Twilight needs to get laid.

by EvilRat


Stress levels are over 9000!

The air crackled with magic as Twilight’s teleportation spell finished. She fell flat on her stomach and when the shock of the rather sudden relocation, as well as the traumatic experience with Starlight and Trixie wore off, she finally able to take stock of where she was—Sugarcube Corner. Just as she relaxed, an insanely pink face overtook her vision. Concerned for her friend, Pinkie Pie had jumped over the counter, the violation of Twilight’s personal space be damned. Pinkie thought that Twilight looked like she had seen a ghost, and not just any ghost, but her own ghost. Whatever happened must have scared the fudge out of her.

“Twilight, are you okay?”

“No, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay again.”

“What happened?” Pinkie’s eye widened to the size of cumquats with curiosity.

“I... I think Starlight and Trixie are into some really strange, kinky things, and they want me to join them.”

Pinkie tried her hardest not to burst into laughter. “Really? When they come to my after hours private parties, they always seem pretty normal.”

Twilight started, trying to figure out what to question first. “So it was a prank. Great, now I only have one problem.”

“Ooh, let me guess! I bet you’re really worked up about a friendship lesson or something?”

“Um, actually, yes. How did you know?” Pinkie merely pointed a hoof at herself, before she gave Twilight an exaggerated eye roll. “Right, you’re Pinkie Pie.”

“So kind of friendship problem do you need help with? Do you need to apologize to somepony, or maybe you need help throwing a surprise party for a friend?”

“No, Pinkie. Princess Celestia said that I need to get laid.” Twilight said before Pinkie could ramble forevermore.

“Oh, silly, why didn’t you just say so. I usually have my private parties twice a week. If you need to get laid, that’s the best place for it. I always have snacks and punch and special punch and stallions and mares and toys and we just do whatever we feel like.” Pinkie said excitedly.

“Wait, what?”

“I usually don’t get involved past making sure everyone has fun and there's plenty of refreshments, but every now and then I join in the more adult part of the party.”

Twilight looked confused, what kind of party was she talking about? “Um, what goes on at these parties?”

“I’m talking about orgy parties Twilight. Ponies get together and drink and eat and screw and whatever else they feel like.”

Twilight stared blankly. She knew what an orgy was, but to find out her friend regularly threw those types of parties on top of everything else that had happened, was more than she could deal with right now.

“Pinkie, I’m going to slowly walk outside, then I’m going to start running. I don’t know when I’ll stop.” With those last words, she slowly walked to the door, exited, and then bolted for her life. She didn’t stop until she had reached the residential section of Ponyville. As she slowed, she saw her old friend Lyra’s house. She would be normal, she would understand, she would help. She trotted up the walkway to the door and knocked.

Lyra was having an enjoyable chat with her friend Moondancer, who had come to town to visit with old friends. Moondancer had plans to surprise her friend Twilight later and ask her to dinner to catch up. They both heard the knock on the door and Lyra got up to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw a slightly frazzled Twilight standing there. “Oh, hey, Twilight. How are you today?”

“Not good. I got a lesson from Princess Celestia and so far no one has been able to help, and I’ve learned some really disturbing things about some of my friends in the process. But I think you’re the one who can finally help me complete it.”

“Okay, I have company that would love to see you, so let’s all sit down and see if we can help.” The two walked inside and went to the dining room.

Moondancer looked slightly surprised to see Twilight there. “Hello Twilight, I had planned to come see you later. How are you?”

Twilight looked at Moondancer, realizing that she would be perfect to ask. They had been friends since that were fillies. She screwed up her courage, and thought of anything she could say. Finally, she decided on something she had seen in one of her novels, and adapted it to fit the situation. “Hey Moondancer, want to go out to eat together, then come to my place and eat out together?”

The silence that befell the room was deafening. Lyra was doing everything she could not to burst into a fit of laughter. Moondancer just seemed dumbstruck, however, she was the first to recover. “Um, are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

Twilight deflated. She was sure that was the right thing to say. “Shoot, I’m never going to get this lesson done. Why is getting laid so hard?”

At this point, Lyra had recovered enough to speak. “Celestia told you to get laid?”

“Yes.”

At this point, Lyra couldn’t hold back anymore. She fell out of her chair, laughing harder than she ever had before. Moondancer, on the other hoof, blushed hard and seemed lost in thought.

Twilight felt so embarrassed, she ran out of the house, so she missed it when Moondancer looked up and said, “I’ve waited so long for you to ask me that.” Then Moondancer realized Twilight was long gone. With a sad look at the door, she said “she'll be back... hopefully.”

Twilight’s mind was in full panic mode. Celestia was going to take back her wings and send her back to magic kindergarten. She was going to fail an important lesson and ponies that fail lessons get sent back. Or maybe she’d get sent to the moon. Or exiled. Or worse. She needed help. She needed someone who definitely knew how to get laid. But who did she know that was that experienced? Someone who was an expert on love and lust. Wait. Expert on love. Got laid regularly. So much so she had become a mother. Cadence! She and Shining had been doing it since they were teenagers. She was sure to know how to help. With this revelation, she ran for the train station. When she got there, she almost threw bits at the attendant and screamed “One ticket for the next train to the Crystal Empire!” The shocked attendant fell off his chair from the force of the yell, which bordered near Royal Canterlot Voice levels. He got up and printed the ticket, then handed it to her without a word.

The train arrived about two hours later. In that time, Twilight’s panic was increased steadily. Her eyes twitched, and her mane and tail looked like they hadn’t been brushed in a year. Other passengers avoided her, most Ponyville citizens were well aware of the signs of a Twilight freakout. And every one could tell at a glance that this one was in full swing. As she took her seat, she started to calm down a bit. This had to work. Cadence was the alicorn of love. She would help solve this. The train started to chug as it departed Ponyville, on its way to Twilight’s ultimate destiny.