A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

by Ringtael

Chapter Seventeen: Viewer Discretion is Advised

        I awoke with Rarity snuggled up on my chest for warmth in my oddly chilly house. I hadn’t noticed much before, but it always seemed to be just slightly warmer than it was outside, but I attributed that to pony magic being retarded and them not coming up with a proper thermostat. In any case, no matter how bullshit my climate control was, I still had the ever beautiful Rarity to look at for a while and keep me cozy for however long she slept. I wondered if I could convince her to begin her morning routine with a shower including yours truly, but for now, she would be my cuddle buddy and by no means was I upset with that.

        I played with her mane, tickled her nose, scratched behind her ear and tickled her side in turns, careful not to wake her up before she had her ‘beauty sleep’. She had told me about her usual facial mask last night, but had left it off in favor of napping with me. I’m sure she had it in the oversize suitcase that she brought along with her for all of two goddamn nights. I had woken up before sunrise, and the clock in my living room told me it was quickly approaching six thirty, making me think about her little sister. I felt terrible about stealing her big sister away from her, especially if Rarity was her primary caregiver like I thought. I didn’t feel like I needed to be supervised any longer and resolved to tell Rarity that she should be with her sister rather than me.

        As an only child, I had always hoped to have a sibling of some sort one day, and had found a brother in Max. Of course, even if he was still among the living, there was no way I would ever see him again, unless I somehow got booted out of this magical world. Unease settled in my heart and I felt torn for no real reason. If Max was still alive, would I leave my life in Equestria for him? I had seen a good bit of heartbreak since I had been here, but I was happier than I had ever been in England, though I did find myself looking for reasons to explode early on. I was doing the waffle, my heart wavering between whether or not I would stay or go. The more I pondered it, the more ludicrous returning seemed. Yes, I had an unspoken oath of everlasting loyalty to Max, but even as I loved him, I loved Celestia and the fact that I actually had friends besides the one I’d had in him were all too attractive a prospect. If I could, I’d bring him here and show him a new life, a new way of living rather than the squalor and constant prowling for our next meal, looking for that next succulent hit of adrenaline from doing a job well. My retrospection made me consider just how fucked up I had been when I got here, regardless of how I treated the ponies that didn’t give me the slightest reason to snap at them. Hell, when I looked back upon myself now, I thought of how comparatively calm I had become, despite my increased libido. I had some new morals that I could abide by, and new friends to help me stick with them. Some of those friends were even a bit more.

        How odd is it that I’ve had sexual contact with four of my six Ponyville friends?

        I was pretty sure that Rainbow was bisexual leaning hard into the lesbian side while Pinkie… No.No. If I was a pedophile or a lolicon, maybe, but stroke either of those, she was never going to make it on my list, and nor was the rather similarly built Rainbow Dash going to. If they weren’t a good twenty centimeters shorter than me and built like tweenagers, I would still say no. I’m the only arrogant one I need in my life, and quite frankly I’m too scared of Pinkie to make a move on her in any sense of the word, not taking the nude hug into account, though I didn’t consider that making a move. It was more or less the only bargaining chip I had if I didn’t want her to prance about town in her birthday suit. No, I most definitely did not put her above doing that. You just never know with her. My stomach churned as I pictured Pinkie naked. I really wanted to keep that image out of my mind. I focused instead on picturing Applejack naked and woke Rarity up, though that may have been my fault.

        Rarity yawned and stretched outward instead of upward, thankfully, and dear God, was her morning breath fuck mothering rank. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth and tried to stop my body from seizing up as my poor nose tried to process the absolute filth puree that entered it, doing pretty much anything I could think of to avoid gagging. Just because she had chronic halitosis didn’t mean I didn’t like her; it meant that I would be the big spoon forever and she would never face me if we woke up in the same bed. I had the fleeting contemplation of whether or not her dominant side would allow that to be the case often. I shivered.

        “Good morning, darling.” Rarity said sweetly, her breath going on a killing spree.

        “Morning, bonny. How’d you sleep?” I managed

        “Fantastically. I must say, sleeping on you isn’t as cozy as my bed, but it does have its perks.” She shifted, pressing down on my morning wood.

        “I’m sure it does. Having you sleep on me is rather nice. I get to wake up to something lovely first thing in the morning.”

        She nuzzled my chest and hummed as I relaxed and savored the moment. She had stopped breathing in my face and that was one of the best feelings in the world, other than sappy bullshit I suppose. I stroked her mane since she hadn’t allowed me to do it much last night for fear of messing it up, and marveled at the thick, voluminous texture. The woman knew how to treat her hair, obviously. If I gave a damn about mine, she’d probably be the one I asked. I briefly ran a hand through my own curls and felt that it strangely resembled hers in a way. When I had lived in England, my hair had always been a bit of a thin, shitty mess, but now it was thicker and less oily. I wondered what the hell they put in pony shampoos to do that. Of course I also had a conditioner to go along with it, unlike previously, so perhaps that was the cause.

        My follicle related thoughts were interrupted by Rarity crushing my unfortunate fellow as she got up. In spite of her general softness in comparison to Applejack, the orange mare was well aware that she was heavier than I by far while Rarity either forgot or ignored that fact. I decided not to comment on my discomfort, and stood up myself, stretching and popping like an old man. After I’d stolen her seat last night, we hadn’t really moved much so I was plenty sore when I finally got on my feet. I staggered off to the loo, morning wood gone after its trauma.

        I picked out my outfit for the day and way about to hop into the lavatory once more when I found Rarity staring into the mirror, pale faced and half naked. It wasn’t that she could get any paler than white, mind you, but she had removed all of her makeup and I saw her in her native state for the first time. Her beauty took my breath away. Without the blush, the natural gradients of her fur shone uniquely, giving her face the effect of being lit up. Minus the mascara and eye shadow that made her eyes look larger, she seemed more human, more approachable. Gone was the lip stain that had given her mouth a rosy tint, replaced by naturally full, kissable lips.

        Rarity’s head whipped in my direction and my words failed me. I crossed myself, despite not being a religious man at the look on her face, which was not unlike that of an angel incensed by the sins of man.

        “Get. Out!!”

        I just stared blankly, unwilling to let this precious moment go to waste. Rarity shoved me hard and slammed the door as I hit the wall behind me. If I could draw worth a damn, I would spend years trying to recreate what I had seen so I could include it in my journals. I’m leaving a page or two blank in the folds of this one just so I can try later, having seen my muse for the first and quite possibly the last time. I mindlessly wandered into my living room and paced around for a bit. Yes, I knew that Rarity would probably be furious with me for a while but I couldn’t help but believe to the fullest extent that her anger was worth it. I’m sure I’ve gone on far too long about her magnificent appearance without all that crap on her face, but it was truly a sight to behold, one that you could only understand if you saw it for yourself.

        I waited for an hour before I tried talking to her through my bathroom door.

        I softly knocked twice. “Rarity? Bonny?”

        Silence.

        “I really hope you didn’t teleport out, that would be rather rude.”

        I heard the impact of glass against wood.

        “So you are in there… Is there anything I can do to get you to come out?”

        “Wait.” She responded

        “Okay.” I went back into the living room. Fifteen minutes later, Rarity came back out, dolled up as usual. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

        “I do hope you’ll forgive my outburst. A gentlecolt should not see a lady unprepared.”

        “This gentleman has filed that memory away. I’ll never forget that, Rarity.”
  
        She cringed visibly. “I rather wish you would.”

        I stared at her wide eyed. “Are you serious? Woman, do you even realize how naturally beautiful you are? Men should be breaking each other’s legs just too be the one standing next to you!”

        Rarity averted her gaze and hugged herself. “I know.”

        There was a story here. Obviously a painful one. “Can I ask about what happened?”

        “I would prefer that you not.”

        “Then I’ll leave it there.” Something that should have been obvious popped into my head.

        “Why are you wearing the same clothes? You brought a massive suitcase with you, but not something else to where?” I said with what I hoped was a disarming smile.

        Rarity looked down at herself casually and did a double take. “Oh drat! I forgot to shower in my haste!”

        “You call an hour and a quarter haste?”

        “Well if somepony didn’t upset me so much, I could have cut the time in half.”

        “When I walked in, you were staring at yourself in the mirror. Not exactly making haste”

        Rarity gave me a haughty look. “You talk too much.”

        “Of course I do. Just get on with it so I can take my shower, that is, if you’re not going to invite me in with you so we can save some water.”

        “You are truly incorrigible, Max. Perhaps if I had some water resistant eyeliner, I would consider it further.”

        I rolled my eyes. “God forbid I see you without make up again. I don’t think my poor heart could bear the sight.”

        “It’s not your heart I’m worried about. Please just let it be.”

        “I am, I’m just taking the piss, bonny. No need to worry.”

        “Good. In that case, I’ll try to hurry as much as I can.”

        Rarity grabbed her suitcase and took it into my guest room leaving me to wonder just where my favorite wolf went. She was getting fond of disappearing when I wasn’t in emotional distress, though when she did take off, I usually found something that hit me in my heart’s soft bits. I thought about that for a bit and wondered what I would face this time unless the incident with Rarity from earlier was the event. If that was all, I could happily deal with it, seeing as how it was more of a plus than anything negative to me. Speaking of Rarity, I wondered why she hadn’t been acting like Twilight or Fluttershy since she was supposed to be in estrus. In fact, I had been in the house with her for some time and hadn’t even noticed a smell other than her perfume, excluding pre-existing odors that I helped cause. It was a curious case that I was going to have to ask her about when she relinquished her bathroom to me.

        The Sun was getting rather high by the time she finally came out looking better. I suppose the curative powers of a shower can solve a good many problems. I glanced at her outfit for the day, which was well put together; a white sundress with deep purple accents that went well with her hair and a shawl that seemed as if it had been made for it. She had probably made the set herself with her own tastes in mind. Good tastes indeed.

        “The restroom is all yours, darling.” she smiled at me.

        “Thanks, I’ll be out in a jiff.”

        I took my time in the shower, spending ten minutes or so under the hot water and rubbed some stubble on my chin. Maybe I would grow a beard? Maybe I would shave it all off and keep my boyish charm instead of the mess of scraggly wires that usually came of me trying to have facial hair. I had always wanted a beard, but I saved it for when I was to grow old and grey. Then and only then could I join the ranks of the bearded superiors.

        My total time in the shower equaled less than a quarter of Rarity’s, but I still had a habit of getting the affair over with as soon as possible so I couldn’t be terribly surprised anyways. Exiting the restroom, I took two steps into my living room and heard a small chorus of wolf whistles from Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow. I should have been upset that they were in my house without my express permission, but Applejack was pretty great, Pinkie was too terrifying to say anything to, and Rainbow was cool when she wasn’t talking about herself. It’s not like they’re strangers to me, but I would still prefer to be aware of what’s going on in my own house.

        “Hullo girls, what brings you over?” I waved.

        “We were just thinkin’ about spendin’ the day with ya. Pinkie said you had somethin’ for Twilight that you never got a chance to give her.” Applejack explained.

        “Yup! Remember that book we made?” Pinkie gave me a devious grin.

        I returned it with my own. “I still have it. Let’s say we go and give it to her now, yeah?”

        Rarity looked between me and Pinkie. “What sort of book do you have that would constitute as any sort of prank?”

        “One moment, I’ll go grab it.” I headed off into my room and nabbed it from its hiding place, handing it off to Rarity once I returned.

        She cracked it open, looking at it skeptically. “It’s blank. You do know that it’s blank, yes?”

        “Cast a revealing spell on it!” Pinkie exclaimed. Applejack and Rainbow crowded around Rarity to get a look.

        Rarity’s horn lit up and she began reading. I found it to be quite the oddity that all three of them took an awful long time to begin blushing, and even then it was simultaneous. That lead me to believe that they were either slow readers or had quite the dirty minds in the first place.

        “Which part are you girls at?” I asked after two minutes, looking up at the clock.

        “Shh!” Perfectly in unison. They were enraptured by what I had written in all the wrong ways. I was hoping that it would be too cheesy too really enjoy, but I was starting to think that I had basically just written a decent harlequin romance novel. I traded a look with Pinkie who just shrugged, appearing to be just as confused as I was.

        “Can you horny hoes put the book down and grab a cold shower? Preferably one that doesn’t involve a hand held shower head?”

        Rarity looked up at me with her face bright red. “Just who wrote this part, Max?” She looked over to Pinkie. “I don’t mean to offend, but it doesn’t seem like something either of you could craft.”

        “That’s some… Nice work. Very nice.” Rainbows wings were standing at half mast, twitching occasionally.

        “Max wrote the first part.” Pinkie said slowly.

        “Pinkie wrote the latter half. What the hell is wrong with you three? That has to be the worst porn I’ve ever written!”

        “I’m awfully tempted to keep this.” Applejack muttered, “Just so it don’t spoil Twilight’s innocent eyes” She added hastily.

        “...I think I know what I’m going to do while I’m here.” A grin creeped its way onto my face.

        “I want to read it first!” Rarity exclaimed.

        Rainbow looked salty. “Dude! so not fair!”

        “Dibs on second!” Applejack grinned.

        “Dude!”

        “I don’t see what the big deal is. Max let me read it before I did my part, and we both laughed.” Pinkie scratched her head.

        “I guess we’re just the enlightened few. Hopefully Twilight is one too, or else we just gave her something to hide from Spike.”

        Pinkie and I both chuckled at that, but Rarity seemed to hold the book a little closer to her bosom.

        “Perhaps you could allow us to… proofread it before you give it to Twilight?”

        “Perhaps you could ask to borrow it from her sometime. I already forgot about it once, and really don’t want to wait now. I’ll do some writing when I get back and let you read that, if it makes you feel any better.”

        Rarity and Applejack beamed while Rainbow continued looking salty.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Our happy little troupe walked over to Twilight’s, though I was pretty sure that they just wanted to do something. There’s really nothing to do in Ponyville if you’re not reading, shagging, or hanging with your friends, so I lagged behind a bit, trying not to rush the day. Pinkie and Rainbow tried to egg me on to go faster, but I was having none of their shit. It was one thing to rush about if you had other plans for the day, but when I had asked them earlier, it was a collective no from all. Unless they were planning a surprise orgy, I saw no point in going any faster than I was.

Spike answered the door with a weary look on his face, and a haggard droop to his shoulders. Rarity gushed over him and brought him close to her chest and asked the poor fellow just why he looked to worn out. Applejack and Cuntie followed suit, but Rainbow and I waited until they shut the hell up to get to the bottom of it. I felt kinda bad for the guy, since they weren’t really giving him a chance to talk.

“Will you guys shut up? Ask a guy a million questions and he’ll never have the time to answer one. What’s up, Spike?”

“Twilight’s been going crazy, dude. She thinks, for some weird reason, that she isn’t going to be able to send Princess Celestia a friendship report this week and is flipping out about it.”

“I’ll handle it, little man. Mind if we come in?”

“If you can get her to calm down, then you’re welcome to.”

Spike didn’t bother breaking free from Rarity’s squishy grasp as we walked in, and I frankly couldn’t blame the guy. I kinda felt bad about being able to ask her for sex and probably get a yes when he was so head over heels for her, so I made it a top priority never to mention that to the I’m a prick, but not a petty prick.

I told the girls to bugger off so I could talk to Twilight alone for a bit, and they reluctantly did so. I found her in the actual library part of the Treebrary, sorting books with a frantic look on her face. The woman’s hair was a mess, her shirt unevenly buttoned and her skirt only half zipped on the side. It was enough to make me think twice about having no back up while talking to her, but I figured I had to be the one.

“Hey Twilight, you got a minute?”

“Max!” Her eyes lit up when she saw me, but it wasn’t a pleasant light. More like the look in Pinkie’s own eyes most day's. “Could you help me with something?”

“I can. What do you need?”

“I have to write Celestia a letter and-”

“Let’s just stop it right there. I have a topic for you; the value of keeping a cool head in a stressful situation, specifically when you’re wearing out your assistant and worrying your friends.”

The books around her dropped and she lifted a finger to her mouth.

“You know, that actually sounds like a good topic.”

“No shit? I kinda just pulled it out of my arse, but that’s how a lot of great ideas are made.”

“I’m not sure if that’s true, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ve got to get writing! Where’s Spike? I need him to take a note.”

“Take it yourself, love. You’ll save time like that.”

Twilight blushed. “I would, but my hoofwriting isn’t as good as Spike’s.”

“I’m sure Celly will understand, especially if you’re her student. She has to at least have a passing understanding of your penmanship.”

“...She asked me to have Spike take the notes I was going to send to her.”

“Ooh. Yeah, that’s bad. Tell you what; I’ll do it. Just get me a pen and some paper.”

She rushed off to grab the necessary materials and I followed her at a far more sedate pace, passing the main parlor on my way. The girls were staring off after where Twilight had evidently gone.

“She’ll be right as rain in a mo’. I gave her something to write about.” I announced

“What was it?” Spike asked.

I looked at him and then to Rarity. “The value of loving someone.” I said airily.

They both blushed, but Rainbow and Pinkie looked confused. Applejack held back some giggles.

“W-W-Well, Max, I’m honored, but I thought our agreement-”

“Who said I loved you? I just said it was the value of loving someone, nothing more.” I gave Spike a devious grin.

He looked rather panicked, staring wide eyed at me. “Don’t tell me you’re in love with Twilight!”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant. Hell, I’m dating her teacher, little man. That would be awfully awkward.”

“You’re dating Princess Celestia!?” Rainbow and Cuntie chorused.

“Dude, no way!” Spike added.

“Yeah, I’m dating Celestia. What about it?”

“She’s The Princess!” Rainbow cried.

I looked at her like she was retarded. “She’s A princess. Did you forget about Luna?”

Rainbow glared. “You know what I meant! How did you manage to bag a Princess?”

“Wit, charm, and more flirting than a simile wrapped in a metaphor.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. How do you flirt with a princess? Especially Princess Celestia!”

“You talk to her like a normal woman, duh. You girls act like it’s a personal offense for me to be in a relationship with your ruler.”

“It ain’t that, it’s just surprisin’. Most ponies think the Princess is celibate or that she just keeps it on the down low.” Applejack explained

“She’s not celibate, but she does like to keep things to herself, so if you girls could please keep this information in our little circle, that would be great. That means you too, Spike.”

“Hey! I can keep a secret!” He protested

“I‘m sure you can, which is why I asked in the first place. Gosh, Spike, you sure can be thick sometimes.”

He gave me an bewildered look, but before anyone could explain, Twilight tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the supplies.

“Okay. Max, take note! Dear Celestia, Today I learned that it’s important to take time and relax, especially when you’re coming to the end of a deadline. I had worried so much about whether or not I would be able to send you a report when Max of all ponies gave me something to write about! I also learned from him that you shouldn’t judge somepony by the way they act and speak, but by the content of their charac- OW!” I had pinched her.

“Do you talk this much shit about me often? Or is it just because I tried to be nice?”

Twilight blushed. “I wasn’t doing that!”

Rarity inspected her nails “You rather were, darling. It’s not inaccurate, however”

 I shot her a glare.

        Twilight couched to get my attention. “As I was saying: the content of their character. I know you shouldn’t really judge a pony in any case, but I find that it’s inevitable in life, so I will resolve myself to do it based on the best aspects of that pony. Max told me that I should try and maintain a ‘cool head’ and try not to worry my friends, which is ironic coming from him, but I- OW! Stop doing that!” She rubbed her arm where I had pinched her in the exact same spot.

        “Stop making me sound like an ass! Celestia already knows that part of me rather well.”

        Twilight grumbled and shot me a dirty look. “In conclusion, your partner is a buttface, even if he has a few good points. Sincerely, your student, Twilight Sparkle”

        I changed the last bit a little, but handed the page off to Spike before Twilight could proofread it. He handed it back to her with a confused look on his face and I shook my head at him. Twilight made quick work of the document until she got to the conclusion.

        “...In conclusion, Max is the best and I can’t wait to have a proper turn with him. Sincerely your, Twatlip Spankle?” She looked at me and I grinned.

        “How did you misspell my name so badly?”

        “He didn’t misspell it,” Rainbow chuckled, “You just misread it!”

        “How vulgar! Max, did you forget about Spike being here!?” Rarity accused.

        “I figured if neither of them read it, it would be an issue.” I snatched the paper from Twilight and held it out to Spike. “If you would, my good sir.”

        He shrugged and sent it off. I gave Twilight a shit eating grin and she huffed.

        “I don’t get what’s so funny, but I’m sure you wouldn’t send anything appropriate to your lover.”

        I kept grinning with Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack joining me.

        “...You didn’t.” Twilight deadpanned.

        “I may have. In fairness, I did sign my name at the bottom so she knows it was me.”

        “Max!” She cried.

        “Speaking of me, Pinkie and I found something while we were out and about, and wondered if you could make heads or tails of it.” I pulled out the book and handed it to her.

        “Oh! It looks like a journal of some kind! Have you opened the lock yet?”

        I handed the key off to her and shook my head. “It’s blank, but we doubted that it was just an old book. We had Rarity check it out for us, but there wasn’t really much that she could get from it either. Thus, you have an old blank book on your hands.”

        “How exciting!” Twilight looked thrilled, completely ignoring the giggles from the peanut gallery. I spared them a quick glare and they straightened up for the most part. I swear, ponies are terrible at pranks.

        “Let us know what you find, yeah? It’s been a bit of bother, not knowing what’s in it. Can’t say I’m usually one for idle curiosity, but it’s definitely interesting.”

        Twilight unlocked the book and cracked it open, her smile bright with scholarly intrigue. She cast a spell or two on it and started reading out loud.

        “Daffodil Bean’s log, day one, entry one. I have found myself at an impasse, my time coming to its peak as I hunt for a certain stallion, Husky Log. I have heard from many a mare that he is the one that can grant any wish, whether mundane or complex with frightening ease, and I hope that he will be able to sate my desires so that I may finally rest.”

        “Huh, so it really is a journal. I wonder what Daffodil’s talking about?” I had to get her to keep reading, but I realized Spike was still there. Entry two was a doozy, and I doubted that Twilight forgive me easily if I didn't get him out of there soon.

        “Hey Spike, you wanna go grab that cupcake I owe you? I’m sure we can hear the rest of the story later.” I offered. I would hear from someone or other how well the prank went, but I wouldn’t risk Spike’s innocence so that I could have a laugh.

        “Yeah, sounds pretty boring anyways.” Rarity and Applejack’s eyes widened as they realized what I was doing, and Applejack shot me a thumbs up that I subtly returned.

I took Spike on the longest route to Sugarcube corner that I knew of and filled the time with some idle guy talk. Well, about as much guy talk as you can have with a fellow that’s probably not in the throes of puberty, though when he spoke about a girl who’s name has popped up a lot lately, I listened intently.

“So there’s this filly, Sweetie Belle…” He started.

“You mean Rarity’s little sister?” I asked patiently.

“Yeah. I kinda have a crush on her too, but I don’t know what to do! Do I keep going after Rarity, or do I go after Sweetie Belle?”

“No one can really tell you what you should do, but I suggest going for Sweetie Belle since she’s not one of Twilight’s friends and she’s closer to your age.”

“I mean, it makes sense, but how do I tell Rarity that I want to go out with her sister? What if she never talks to me again!?”

“Mate, if she hasn’t addressed your crush yet, she either doesn’t know about it or she knows and just doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t speak for Rarity, but women tend to prefer men around their own age, or at least, their own height.”

“Low blow man.”

“Sorry, didn’t think about that one too hard, but you get what I’m saying right?”

“I do, it’s just that Rarity’s so beautiful…”

“Which she is well aware of. What else do you like about Rarity?”

“Well, she’s smart, but not as smart as Twilight which is cool.”

“How’s that cool?”

“It means she isn’t like Twilight. I don’t really know how to put it without sounding like I’m trying to be mean.”

“Twilight’s neurotic, spastic, and a bit too brilliant for her own good?”

“I know what one of those means, and yeah. That’s the gist of it. Rarity’s also generous-”

“Eh.”

Spike’s head whipped to look at me. “Dude! She’s literally the Element of Generosity!”

“And yet she uses you to do a lot of her grunt work without paying you back other than with the occasional kiss on the cheek or a hug. I’m not criticizing her, just saying.”

“That sounds an awful lot like criticism, Max.”

“I just said it wasn’t, bugger off.” He gave me a flat glare and I rolled my eyes. “So what else is there? What really cinches it?”

        “Well besides the way she dresses, her perfect manners, the way she styles her hair, how nice she is to me, I don’t really know if there’s one specific thing.”

        “Besides the beauty?”

        “That doesn’t hurt, but that’s not the only reason.”

        “Of course not. What about Sweetie Belle? What do you like about her?”

        “It’d be easier to list the things I don’t like, dude. She’s nice, cute, creative, good at singing. I could go on all day!”

        “And one specific thing that you like most?”

        “I guess it’d have to be how she never seems to stay in one place like I do. She’s always off doing something with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, trying to get their Cutie Marks, and I really like that. She’s full of energy!”

        “So she reminds you a bit of how you’d like to live your life? Never a dull moment, always something interesting to do?”

        “Yeah! That’s a good way to put it.”

        “I see a few problems with that. Tell you what, mate. Make a list of the pros and cons of Sweetie Belle and Rarity, and figure out which one has more pros for you. Pursue the winner and see what happens from there.”

        “You make that sound really easy.”

        “That’s because in theory, it is. I made a mental one for Applejack when I was debating whether or not to start an agreement of sorts with her.”

        “Wait, you’re going out with Applejack and Princess Celestia?”

        “No, I’m just going out with Celly. Applejack and I aren’t necessarily going out, but we do some of the stuff that couples do.”

        “So you guys like, kiss and cuddle and stuff?”

        “Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Since she doesn’t have a boyfriend to keep her company when she wants something more than a friend, I take the place of said boyfriend and give her the affection she desires.”

        “That sounds an awful lot like dating, dude.”

        “It’s a difference you’d have to experience to really understand. The thing is, we don’t love each other, we just enjoy the cuddling and kissing bits.”

        “What about the other stuff Twilight tells everyone not to talk about around me?”

        “If she tells everyone not to talk about it around you, it’s probably for good reason.”

        “But I’m not a kid anymore! I don’t know why it has to be such a big secret!”

        “How sure are you that you can keep a secret?”

        Spike looked at me eagerly. “Very sure!”

        “You better be, because if I catch flak from Twilight, I’ll shank you in a heartbeat.”

        “...You’ll what?” I gave him a look. “Never mind. Sounds bad.”

        “It is. So Applejack and I are something called ‘Friends with Benefits.”

        “Benefits like what?”

        “Well, we do the bedroom waltz from time to time.”

        “Does that mean sex?”

        “It does.” I checked my nails. There was a bit of rubbish under a few of the.

        “So you do sex to Applejack but you guys aren’t dating?”

        “We are not. We’re just friends as the name implies, with a few conditions that don’t really matter.” I thought for a second. “If you ask someone to be like that with you at your age, I will punt your soft bits.”

        “Well, I was going to ask Sweetie Belle, but now it sounds like a bad idea.”

        “It is. Sex is something that’s worth waiting for, and once you have it, you’ll see it really isn’t as big a deal as it’s made out to be. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up, man. Shit gets complicated fast and it’s pretty sucky.”

        “Well thanks for that pep talk.”

        “Any time. I won’t sugarcoat anything if you ask me not to. I’d rather not have to pick and choose my words around a young man who should really be learning about the world while he can before the stinky stuff hits the fan.”

        “Thanks I guess. So can I ask you something? Two things, actually.”

        “You’ve just asked one, and you only have one more. Choose wisely.”

        Spike glared at me. “You’re not as funny as you think you are, dude.”

        “If that was true, I wouldn’t have any friends. What are your questions little man.”

        “Why did we really leave the Treebrary?”

        “I wrote the book I gave Twilight, and Pinkie did half of it too. It’s a prank that you shouldn’t have to witness since it’s a bit on the raunchy side.”

        “But you just told me some adult stuff!”

        “I know. I did that because I think you should know, but Twilight would hate me if you started asking questions about what you heard, which is why I asked you to keep what I said quiet. I did it more for Twilight and Rarity than you, mate.”

        “How does Rarity play into that?”

        “To be honest with you?” I sighed. “I’m pretty certain she thinks of you as a kid or a brother. Maybe a kid brother, but most definitely not someone to date.”

        Spike was silent for a good while. We were nearly at Sugarcube Corner anyhow and it was a bit awkward buying him a cupcake he showed no interest in eating. I was fairly certain that I had just taken a jab at his heart, but I thought it was better that he learn ahead of time, rather than keep hoping that one day she would see him as anything but a boy. It felt terrible to watch him poke at the pastry with such a glum look, but my muffin was still warm and delicious. I waited a good ten or so minutes before I tried to speak to him again.

        “You alright, Spike? I know it’s heavy, but it is what it is.” He focused on his cupcake.

        “Let’s just go home.” Spike said after a few more minutes of loaded silence.

        “Alright, buddy.”

        We left quickly and took a much more direct route back home. I felt terrible for breaking the news to him, but he wasn’t going to make a move and I was pretty certain that Rarity was oblivious to his feelings. Spike was taking the news awfully hard and I couldn’t see a way to cheer him up at the moment, so we walked on without a word between us.

        Arriving back at the Treebrary was a solemn event. The girls had gone, and took Twilight along with them, leaving me alone with a saddened dragon.

        “Anything I can do for you, Spike?”

        He looked at me. “Are you friends with benefits with Rarity too?”

        “What gives you that idea?”

        “Just answer the question.”

        “If you’re asking whether or not I’ve slept with her, the answer is no.”

        “...You said you wouldn’t sugarcoat anything.”

        “I’m not. I have not slept with Rarity, though I did nearly get there with Twilight.”

        Spike turned the cupcake he was still holding in his hands about. “Would you even tell me if you were?”

        “Yeah, I would.”

        Spike’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a deep breath. “Thanks, dude. I’m gonna go to sleep.”
      
  “Sleep well, mate.”

        I walked home hating myself a little bit. I hadn’t meant to lie to Spike, but I knew that saying yes would have landed that cupcake in my face and earned me his anger for quite some time. I tried to rationalize it so I could breath more easily, but I felt that I should’ve faced the music as it was playing rather than taking an about face on the morals I was trying uphold. Being an honest man was difficult. More difficult than I had previously thought. The feeling niggled at the tender spots of my heart, so I altered my path and began heading towards Rarity’s boutique, hoping that I would find her there.

        Turns out, I found three short girls talking excitedly about something or other unimportant when I strolled in. One had hair reminiscent of Rainbow Dash’s, but was a horrid magenta that clashed terribly with her orange coat. Another was a literal redhead with a light yellow coat, and the last, whom I assumed was Sweetie Belle, had a two toned lavender and light pink mane with a white coat. I briefly pondered getting the fuck out of dodge since I hate dealing with tweenage girls, but my stupid curiosity got the better of me.

        “Hullo, girls. Any of you seen Rarity?”

        They stared at me, their conversation dropping like a gold nugget in a jar of water.

        “Who are you?” The one with the red mane asked.

        “Name’s Max, I’m one of Rarity’s friends. May I know your names?”

        The orange one spoke up. “I’m Scootaloo,” She pointed at herself, “that’s Applebloom, and that’s Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo pointed at each girl respectively.

        “Hullo,” I waved, “Nice to meet you.”

        They waved, but said nothing.

        “So… Any clue where Rarity has gone?”

"You talk funny." Applebloom stated.

        “Why do you want to know?” Sweetie Belle asked.

        “Well, it’s rather hard to stalk someone if you don’t know where they are.”

        “Not again!” she yelled. A very pointy pair of scissors raised up.

        “Hold on! I was kidding, good lord girl! Take a joke, will you?”

        The scissors did not fall. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?” She narrowed her eyes.

        “Has Rarity seriously not said a word about me? Do the words ‘simply insufferable’ ring any bells?”

        “So that’s you! Oh.” Sweetie Belle dropped the scissors.

        “I dunno, Sweetie Belle. I think we might need those, if what Big Mac says about him is anything to go by.” Apple Bloom warned.

        “What about Applejack? Does she say anything about me?”

        “Well, yeah. She says you’re a nice stallion who has trouble tellin’ the truth sometimes.”

        “While that is true, I happen to be trying to change that to telling the truth all the time, which is why I need to talk to Rarity. Now, if you could kindly stop threatening me, that would be lovely.”

        “He looks suspicious to me.” Scootaloo rubbed her chin.

        “Big Mac usually ain’t wrong about many things.” Apple Bloom copied her.

        “And Rarity says you aren’t the nicest guy.” Sweetie Belle added.

        “...I’m just gonna go. I’ll be sure to snitch on you to your sisters.” I turned to leave.

        “Wait!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cried in unison.

        “Are you going to stab me?” I called over my shoulder as I walked away.

        “No! Don’t tell on us!” Apple Bloom shouted. The trio ran to follow me.

        “I was playing, girls. Don’t worry about it.” I totally wasn’t playing, but it seemed like a good day to start lying again.

        They breathed a collective sigh of relief. And started babbling among themselves, so I decided to make my exit before they came back to their senses and started talking to me again. They reminded me an awful lot of Rainbow, Applejack, and Rarity respectively, but I was glad I didn’t have to deal with them for long. That thought lasted all of thirty seconds.

        “Hey Max!” Apple Bloom yelled from behind me.

        “Yeah? What is it?”

        “Is what Big Mac says true? Are you really a bad pony?” She looked at me nervously.

        “I’m not a pony, so that doesn’t really apply to me.”

        “What?”

        “I’m not a pony, thus I’m not a good pony, because I am not a pony.”

        “What?”

        “What country are you from?”

        Applebloom was befuddled. “What?”

        “‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in ‘What’?”

        “What?”

        “Equuish, child, can you speak it?”

        “Well, yeah! It’s the only language I know.”

        “Then you understand what I’m sayin’?”

        “Yeah?”

        “Good. Now what do I look like?”

        “Uh… What?”

        “SAY WHAT AGAIN. COME ON, SAY WHAT AGAIN, I DARE YA, I DOUBLE DARE YA.”

        She looked at me somewhere between confused and angry. “Why should I?”

        “I dunno. It’d be funnier if you knew what I was talking about. With that said, what were we talking about?”

        “...Ya don’t seem like a bad pony, just weird. Maybe Big Mac was wrong about ya.”

        “Or maybe Applejack was right. You never know.”

        “Are ya just bein’ difficult now?”

        “Yup, pretty much. I’ve been spending too much time around Pinkie.”

        “Oh. She does get weird sometimes.”

        “That she does. Can I help you with something? Because I do need to find your sister.”

        “I thought you needed to find Rarity?”

        “I do, but Applejack was with Rarity the last time I saw her, and neither of them should be leaving me alone with myself. Who knows? I might go on a candy binge and clear out Sugarcube Corner.”

        “Are you serious!?”

        “No, I am not.”

        “You’re weird.”

        “And you’re short. Are we going to make any more observations?”

        She finally shut the hell up and started walking backwards into the shop, bumping into the door but not dropping eye contact with me the entire time. It was a queer thing. I fucked off and went searching for Fluttershy, assuming that she would probably be picked up by the girls sometime soon if she hadn’t already been. When three or more of them gathered, they usually formed their little pack and got up to no good, so I kept an ear open for screams, shouts of panic, and general mayhem. I found none, but I really don’t know what I had been expecting; nothing exciting had happened that didn’t involve me since I’d gotten here, though some of the stories that Applejack had told me were awfully surprising.

One of them was the story of how the girls first met over the course of Luna, who was something called Nightmare Moon at the time, kidnapping Celestia and threatening eternal night to be cast over the world, which I found to be frankly terrifying for multiple reasons. How the hell could anyone trust in someone with such propensity for darkness? I mean, hell, I know I’m not exactly one to talk about untrustworthy tendencies, but if Luna’s envy of Celestia had grown to the point where she had gotten an evil power boost that could dwarf her sister’s own, that was reason enough for me to worry. I would never tell Luna that I feared the day she lost control of her emotions, but I did wonder just how long it would take for it to happen again. Being a pessimist, even on the sunniest days, I believed that there would come a time that her evil would be released again, but I had no way of doing anything about that, so I tried not to worry about it too hard.

Needless fretting aside, I hadn’t found anything but a few stuffy animals around Fluttershy’s place. I figured that they had only been nice to me because I was on good terms with Fluttershy, but ever since I had turned her down, I noticed many more near misses with bird excrement than I had ever had in my life. That was just another thing on my ever expanding to do list that I couldn’t get done at the present moment. Instead of walking about town, searching for the rainbow sextet of females, I was going to call it a day and start writing some good ol’ fashioned smut.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My house was also oddly empty. I had been expecting them to have let themselves in or something, and it was odd that I felt rather disappointed that they hadn’t. I don’t think it was because I wasn’t going to have a chance to yell at them for invading my privacy, but that I had been anticipating company that I no longer had. Even my somewhat constant companion had ditched me. I brushed off the heavy feeling to the best of my abilities and grabbed a pen, some paper, and a tall glass of water to begin my new pastime. I wrote in a flurry of movement and inspiration, using my own kinks and some of my wishes to flavor the text a bit, while trying to keep it in a female’s perspective which was surprisingly fun. I had never been much of a writer, and I had found it to be more of a responsibility than a hobby when it came to my journals, but writing for giggles was proving to be an interesting endeavor.

Unlike the gaudy cheese fest I had written into the fake ancient text I had given Twilight, I actually put a bit of effort into this one, making it a little easier to read and allowing it to flow naturally rather than the jerky, rapid scene changes that had been all over my previous work. IT was difficult to switch styles entirely, but not impossible by any means as I had to keep reminding myself time and time again. Another factor was repetition, which broke up the flow of the story and seemed to make it more childish. I attempted to avoid it as often as possible, but there’s only so many ways one can refer to genitalia that will be understood, let alone maintain a certain level of dignity. There’s a difference between harlequin romance and straight up smut, and I was going for the romance bit. It proved a difficult task to keep the hot, heavy tone I was trying to set when I felt no arousal of my own and had no one to read over my work, but I finished the first few chapters by the time the moon had risen. So lost was I in my work that I had completely lost track of time, night having fallen hours ago. It was a bit after one in the morning when I decided to go search of journals to catch them up when I realized I couldn’t find them.

How odd. I always kept them in the same place; in my nightstand along with the billfold I had kept with me since I was fifteen and a ring I was fond of, but never actually wore unless it was on a string. Both of those things were still there, and I was beginning to work myself into a frenzy trying to find them when I gave up and started on my most recent entry in an attempt to calm down. I stopped a few times to look some more to no avail; they were gone and I had no idea where exactly they had went. My thoughts turned to the possible betrayal of my friends, but I waved them aside. The girls were nosy, but I highly doubted that any of them would go snooping through my things just to steal my journal entries.

I didn’t get much sleep that night, fretting over my journal for most of it. Those papers had contained most of my time in Equestria, and it worried me that I would have to rewrite them from memory, knowing I couldn’t remember all of the conversations in their entirety, or do my first impressions any justice. It was like a piece of my mind had just up and left, taking a good chunk of time along with it, and that worried me as much as anything else. How was I supposed to rest easily knowing that I had minded it well, especially for someone like me? I tossed and turned in my bed, eventually giving up to take a walk to clear my head. Not that there was much to see in Ponyville, I just hoped that the exercise would get the worries out of my mind.

I passed Fluttershy’s cabin, Applejack’s farm, and Rarity’s boutique on my circuit, wondering if any of them were still up at this ungodly hour. I had a feeling that they weren’t, so I didn’t bother stopping by, though seeing them did ease my heart a little. I was quite happy that I had such good friends, but that in itself was odd. I had been equally as happy to be by myself before and after Max’s passing, which made me wonder if perhaps the magic of Ponyland was getting to me more than I had thought. Things that would have started blood feuds before were swiftly forgiven, although they were never forgotten, and annoyances that would have gotten a few people cursed to the moon and back were ignored. I was changing, whether I had intended to or not, in ways that I hadn’t foreseen, which worried me even more. I didn’t want to be like one of the ponies; blissfully ignorant and cheery. I want to be me. Surly, snippy, and sarcastic. All I was really trying to change was my honesty (or lack thereof) and my willingness to use my manners, but the more I pondered how much I had changed, the deeper the worry etched itself into my mind. Would I eventually turn into one of these happy-go-lucky fuckers if I stayed my course? Or would I retain some semblance of what made me me?

I was still troubled by my thoughts when I found myself passing Twilight’s house, seeing that the lights were still on. I didn’t have a watch, but I assumed it was nearly three or so in the morning. My interest was piqued, so I walked up and was about to knock when I heard voices through the door.

“I’m telling you! If he finds out, he’s not going to be happy!” I think that voice belonged to Rarity.

There were a few inaudible words that I assumed came from Fluttershy.

“Relax Rares,” Rainbow said, “if we keep it quiet and just put them back, it won’t be a problem.”

That sounded awfully interesting. Too coincidental. I barely opened the door so I could hear a bit better.

“I don’t know what it is, but he deserves it! I can’t believe he made me read that awful journal out loud!” Twilight protested.

“In fairness, it was a good prank. Max even took Spike out to the bakery and missed his own prank.” Applejack replied calmly.

“And Spike’s been depressed ever since, but he won’t tell me what’s on his mind!” Twilight carried on.

“Perhaps I could talk to him? Spike always seems to respond well to me for some odd reason.” Rarity offered.

“You’re welcome to try. In the meantime, what do you girls think about the journal?” Twilight asked more quietly.

“It was… interesting.” Rarity sounded uncomfortable.

“You say interesting, I say great! I can’t believe Max wrote that!” Rainbow exclaimed.

I had heard enough to allay my suspicions, so I softly closed the door and knocked three times on it.

Twilight answered it with the remains of a blush still on her face. “Max? What are you doing up so late?” She asked.

“I was looking for something I can’t find and it’s been worrying me to death. You wouldn’t happen to have my journals, would you?”

She looked at me and cocked her head. “You keep a journal?”

“I do. I wonder where it went. For a moment, I worried that one of you girls may have taken it, but I don’t think any of you would disrespect me like that.”

“Speaking of respect.” Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

I booped her nose.

She swatted at my hand and missed. “I can’t believe you let me read that drivel out loud!”

“You’ll laugh at it eventually, love. Did you read the rest of it?”

She blushed and looked behind her. “Well, I promised to let Rarity read it first, but I’m still mad at you!”

“Would a kiss make it better?” I leaned and and puckered my lips.

Twilight gave me a quick peck and walked away, leaving the door open. I had been joking, not expecting her to actually do it, so I just followed after regaining my bearings. Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow and Fluttershy were all present, but Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.

“Hullo, ladies. How goes the night?”

No one looked me in the eye when they answered, which I found very suspicious, though Twilight didn’t seem to notice. Something was definitely off.

“I happen to be missing something rather important to me, any of you have a guess as to what it might be?” I leaned against the door frame and surveyed their responses.

“Wouldn’t happen to be your missin’ journal, would it? I heard ya talkin’ about it with Twilight.” Applejack answered.

“Yeah that’s it. Wouldn’t happen to know anything about it, would you?”

“Why would we know, Max?” Rarity asked. “It sounds like you’re accusing us.”

“I’m not accusing, just asking. It’s been a bit of bother, which is why I’m not asleep at the moment. Just exhausting any leads.”

Rarity glowered. “When would we even have a chance to get it?”

“There are two unicorns here right now, and Pinkie is a fucking wizard all her own. Plus, Pinkie came over with Applejack and Rainbow earlier today, which you were there for too. Like I said, bonny, I’m just asking. You taking so much offense is making me more suspicious than anything.”

“I don’t see why it would. It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset after being accused of something you didn’t do.” She huffed.

I ignored her for a moment. “Applejack, do you know who took my journal?”

“Max!” Rarity exclaimed. Rainbow and Applejack were averting their gazes.

“Was I fucking talking to you?” I snarled.

She was taken aback and I looked to Applejack once more. “If I get it back before morning, all’s forgiven. I mean I want my journal handed back to me by the culprit. I know you three are hiding something, and since the only one not here is Pinkie, I’m going to guess she has it.”

“...I’ll get it back for ya. Pinkie didn’t say nothin’ until she already had it, but she wasn’t just gonna put it back.” Applejack said quietly.

I walked over and gave her a hug. “Thank you, AJ. My journal means a lot to me, and I’m going to dropkick Cuntie when I see her next.”

“Now, that ain’t right, Max, and you know it.” She finally looked at me,

“Applejack’s right, dude. It’s just a journal!” Rainbow added.

“It’s also the sum of my experiences in Equestria, meticulously kept with EVERY event that has happened from the moment I left the Everfree and ran into you. There are things in that journal that I don’t want known, and things about myself that I never wanted to share. If you could even fucking fathom the gross invasion of my privacy that the act of stealing such a valuable thing is, you would understand why I’m upset.”

“How is it worth that much to you? It’s just words on paper man.”

“Are you an idiot? everything I’ve done in Equestria resides within those pages. That includes everyone as well.”

Applejack and Twilight both jolted. “We have to get it back.” Applejack stood from her seat and donned her coat with Twilight close behind.

“Now that’s the hustle I wanna see! Let’s go storm Pinkie’s castle!” I grinned darkly and followed them out the door, leaving Rarity and Rainbow behind.

We practically ran to Sugarcube Corner in the dead of night. I’m sure it was an odd sight; two women in night clothes bustling down the street, lead by the lone human on the planet towards a gingerbread house in a technicolor town. I found it to be hilarious. We arrived quickly and Twilight unlocked the door with her magic, allowing me to take point since I was the quietest. I padded up the stairs softly with a well practiced ease, the two ponies following in my wake making far more noise than necessary. After the second loud bump, I waved at them, signalling that they should stay behind while I sallied forth and I carried on soundlessly. I cracked the first door I saw and it appeared to be a nursery, so that was a bust. The next two doors were the Cake’s bedroom and a bathroom, both of which didn’t hold what I was looking for, so I went to check the one on the far end of the hall, facepalming as I realized that was the one I should’ve started with. I stood and opened it, strolling right on in and caught Pinkie with a lamp on and her hand between her legs.

Pinkie froze, but her hand did not.

“While I’m so glad you find my life arousing, I would appreciate it if you stopped.”

“You’re in my room.”

“And you were in mine earlier. Hand it over.”

She extended her wet fingers towards me and I struggled not to gag. “The journal, Pinkie. I know you have it.”

“Aww, but I just got past the part where you slept with Fluttershy!”

My blood fucking boiled. “You have five seconds.”

She sat still and looked out the window.

“Three.”

“You’re not counting very fair-”

“Give. Them. To. Me.”

“Or what?” She asked testily.

“Don’t play this game with me Pinkie.”

“Or what?” Her tone had gone dark

I started ripping open every drawer I could find, searching for my journals until I found the sheathes of paper. I heard steps in the hallway and started browsing over the collection until I started seeing silly pink scribbles through some of the words and little annotations. I looked at Pinkie who had put some damn pants on, and there was a knock on the door.

“Pinkie? Is everything okay?” I heard Mrs.Cake ask.

I opened the door and walked through, bumping Mrs. Cake on my way out, not trusting myself to not fucking strangle Pinkie. Not only had the fucking cunt stolen my shit, she had defaced it. I could rewrite the pages, of course, since the damage wasn’t too severe, but the fact that I would even have to if I wanted the stain that was her penmanship to no longer be on my journals pissed me off even further. I brushed past Twilight and Applejack on my way out, Mrs. Cake still asking what the hell had just happened upstairs.

I walked along at a brisk pace, not really caring that Applejack and Twilight were trailing along. It always seemed to be one of them that was worried about me whenever something was pissing me off, but despite the concern they were showing, I wanted nothing more to be left alone.

“Max?” Applejack called. “You okay?”

“No. No I am not.” I stopped walking and let them catch up.

“What the hay happened? We heard a scuffle and it didn’t sound pretty.”

“I asked Pinkie to hand over my journal and she did not. So I tore her room apart looking for it.”

“That was uncalled for! You know Pinkie would have given it back eventually!”

“She invaded my privacy, again. Stole from me, scribbled nonsense all over my work, and I caught her fuckingmasturbating to my life! I am not fucking happy.”

Twilight eyes were wide. “I-I’m sure there’s an explanation to that.”

“If there is, I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it. Pinkie Pie’s crossed a line that I’ve been way too fuckin’ lenient with. Cock suckin’ cunt needs to learn some goddamn manners.”

“Hey! She’s your friend, Max-” Applejack started

“No the fuck she’s not. I will NEVER be friends with someone that fucking disgusting.”

“Pinkie ain’t disgustin’! She was just taking care of her needs as a mare!” Applejack retorted hotly

“I don’t give a fuck about that, I care more about the fact that she has no regards for any manner of privacy, no regard for how anyone else feels, and doesn’t give a damn about her own fucking friends! How could she think I’d be okay with her reading the most intimate moments of my life!?”

Applejack and Twilight shared a look and the orange mare just scratched her head.

“That’s what I thought. I’m going home.”

Applejack looked down. “...Do ya want someone to walk-”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Max. If I would have known…” Twilight hugged herself

“You know what? Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow knew, and they didn’t do a damn thing, so don’t you feel bad for a moment.”

Applejack rubbed her arm and Twilight looked between us. “That’s a little harsh, Max.”

“If it’s any less true, that tell me now. Otherwise, leave me alone. I don’t want to look at anyone right now.”

I walked on and they stood there for a while longer. Too livid to care, I held my pages close and fucked right off, thinking up various ways to get Pinkie back for this. I hadn’t technically forgiven her for spreading my secret in the first place, and now that she had gone and fucked up just as badly all over again, there was no way I could ever consider the pink cunt to be a friends. In fact, from this point forward, Pinkie will now be referred to as Cuntie in my writing, mimicking life.

I came up some brutal ways that weren’t technically torture to eat away at Cuntie’s self esteem, self image, and self respect, planning to put all of them into effect the moment I could. It hurt to think that she had so callously neglected my personal space, and had even invaded my inner sanctum without so much as a word to me. I still couldn’t believe that Rarity had tried to cover for her and that Applejack let her do it! Fucking ponies are terrible friends, especially the Elements of Harmony.

I sat in my empty house and rewrote the pages that Cuntie had ruined, the mere sight of her bright pink scrawl incensing me to the point of shaking so hard I had to stop writing and calm down. I kept a bottle of brown liquor under my sink and took a few shots to calm myself, after eating something of course. Still, it was hard to trust the ponies after getting burned so many times. I truly began to doubt that I was the toxic one; it had to be them! The problem once lie in myself, who was too unforgiving and harsh to exist in their world, but now I realized that the ponies were just insanely fucking stupid! They were so sheltered and ignorant, they hard a hard time seeing anything from someone else’s prerogative, which was exemplified perfectly in Cuntie.

Now Rarity was going to be a whole different story. She had just barely avoided lying in my face about knowing that Cuntie had my journal, and I was a special kind of pissed at her. She officially lost her spot as my proofreader, and was most definitely not going to get to read my new smut. I knew it was especially petty, but I was still quite pissed that she had the nerve to be angry with me when I had asked if they knew anything. That was pretty shitty of her, I must say. If it was a prank they were trying to pull, I would have been fine if it had been anything other than something so extremely personal to me, or something I had put time and effort into, but no. They had to go after my memories and observations which just did not sit well at all.

I went to bed as dawn was breaking, finished with a good chunk of my rewrites. There were still a handful of pages that I was going to have to fix, and I double checked to see if Cuntie had used some form of invisible ink just to mess with me. I determined that she had not since her words were still on my papers, but I still found it infuriating that she had dared to comment on my writing, stating that I spent far too much time describing my sex life, too much time thinking, and too much time killing or threatening to kill people. Bitch should have seen from what I had written that I was a repentant sinner, and the evil thought that maybe Cuntie was supposed to be my torturer for my penance irked me. I tossed and turned some some more, not able to still my beating heart.

I got up and wished that I still had the potent plant in my shed when I decided to go check. I found that Lupa had actually neglected to carry it off and that it smelled even stronger than it had before, a good indicator that it had finally had a chance to settle and dry out on its own. I touched a few of the sticky buds, but smiled when I saw the frosted tip that was the top most bud. It was a beauty, nearly bringing a tear to my eye. I went back inside and grabbed a mason jar that I had seen when I stashed my liquor and brought the top cola in, stuffing it as gently as I could inside so I didn’t hurt it. Now I just needed some moonshine, and I would have a whole ‘nother dragon on my hands. I went back out and picked something that wasn’t quite as majestic to process, and did the illegal thing with it on my back porch. It was already a pretty morning out, nice and cool, but it was slowly beginning to get prettier. I did finally get some sleep, so it was worth it to me, but if I hadn’t had an awning on my porch swing, I would be willing to bet that I’d have been cherry red by the time I actually got my stoned arse into gear.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

        I was quite pleasantly awoken by the repeated feeling of being kissed on the cheek, but when  I rolled over, I saw that it was not a pretty woman placing smooches on me, but rather, my favorite pupper giving me smooches of her own. I rubbed her head and sat up.

“Lupa? Just where have you been the past few days? I miss you when you disappear, you know.” She shook her head and pointed her nose off into and started off. “Oi! Wait up!”

        I followed her in and picked up a willow sapling that had been felled by a woodland creature of some sort. I t was light and only needed to be trimmed a little, but I did so while following Lupa at a sedate pace. Once I had gotten it to the point I could use it as a walking stick, Lupa surged forth and I followed quickly, trying to save energy while maneuvering through the thick underbrush. I was glad that I was wearing proper trousers by the time we stopped, seeing as how they were torn and snagged by a few patches of briar and a couple nettle plants here and there. The big black wolf was standing at attention, her gaze on a point somewhere in the distance. I knelt down and looked with her, spotting what she had brought me to see.

        There was an encampment of snake like men, slithering about deeper into the forest. I looked at Lupa and wished that I had my knives with me, the only viable weapons I owned. Unfortunately, I had a stick. A nice stick, mind you, but a stick nonetheless and I highly doubted that it was going to do bugger all if I had to deal with those fellows in the way I thought we were. I pointed in their direction and whispered ‘bad?’ to Lupa, cocking my head and she lowered her and waved it side to side before following them. I followed her in turn, trying to stay low and out of sight, just in case the worst possibility came into reality.

        We tracked the Naga like beings for hours, only stopping when they did. I saw them eat a diet of fish and what I believed to be nightshade before they continued on each time, which worried me. I wasn’t an alchemist or an expert of poison by any means, but I knew that at the rate they were eating the little black berries that came from the purple flowered plants, they should have been dead ten minutes after the first break they’d taken. That worried the fuck out me, since it meant that I would have to find something else to use as a means of engagement. I was dreading the moment when we got to where ever we were heading.

        The Naga left our field of vision some time later and I could see smoke rise from above the treetops. I was rather curious by now, since there was plenty of it, so I stayed behind Lupa as we kept on, staying in the brush as we observed the clearing that they had either made or found. What I saw was quite intriguing: The Naga had built a small hamlet that was vaguely similar to that of American Indians in the olden days, with wigwam-like structures dotting around the encampment and one longhouse taking center stage in the middle of the assortment. They were are rather well made with uniform branches forming support, with what seemed to be clay at just about every joint. The buildings were robust, yet complex, bound with fine plant fibers that were evidently strong enough to hold them together well, and there were more branches with leaves interweaved in between the support beams that I assumed were there to help keep rain and the like out. These people were crafty, at least somewhat intelligent. That filled me with a bit of hope.

        Lupa started walking into the hamlet with a spring to her step. She didn’t seem scared at all, so I followed her in and hoped that it wouldn’t end with us getting killed because we hadn’t thought this through. I knew she was smart, but I was highly doubting her intelligence on this one, even though I knew she wouldn’t lead me somewhere to die. Hopefully.

We, or rather, I, was stopped immediately by a hulking mass of reptile. His dark grayish green scales didn’t shine or really reflect light, seeming to draw light in and keep it there. His face was far from human, and there were remarkably few features to go along with it other than a few discolorations of the scales around his eyes and mouth. His ears were nonexistent at least from my view which was a good thirty centimeters down, which meant that if I had continued to look forward, I would be staring at his chest, which had two odd bumps that resembled pectorals, but like that of a body builder rather than a normal persons. I looked up at the behemoth and almost quaked in my boots, but I put on a brave face.

I waved. “Hullo.”

“Who are you?” A booming voice asked.

“My name’s Max. I’m a human visiting a pony town nearby.”

“Why are you here?”

I pointed at the hulking mass that was Lupa, though she seemed much smaller when compared to the massive creature in front of me.

“My companion brought me here. I don’t know why.”

“The Otsoa is a friend here. You are not.” It’s voice was beginning to strike me as being more feminine than masculine, but I doubted that it really mattered in the moment.

“How would I become a friend, then? I don't wish you, or your people any harm. I’m actually pretty sure that I couldn’t hurt your people, if they are all built like you.”

“Your words are not enough. Leave.” Lupa growled and the Naga turned around to look at her.

“Be that as it may, he is not welcome here.” She replied to Lupa. How she understood what she was saying, I do not know.

Lupa barked twice. “He is?”

Another bark.

“So it was you two that killed the Kobolds. We had an agreement with them.”

“They raped the corpse of a pony. I couldn’t let them live on knowing they would defile someone else if they were given the chance.”

“We were not aware of their actions.”

“I’m sure you weren’t.” I said skeptically.

The Naga levelled a glare at me. “We would have exterminated them ourselves if we had known. Such evils are not permitted on our land.”

Lupa barked. “You have no proof that it was you that killed the Kobolds. We may not have liked them, but we still had a blood pact with them, and that lack of proof is the only reason you’re still allowed to leave alive.”

“So purging necrophiliacs and murderers from your home is a disservice to you?” I scoffed.

“Killing those we have an understanding with is.” We were beginning to draw a crowd.

“What could the Kobolds even provide you? Shit and piss in jars? Hunting outposts where you can rest while watching over your shoulder so you don’t get stabbed in the back?”

“I said that!” A voice called out from the crowd.

“Silence! Would you dare challenge my judgement, stranger?” The Naga drew itself to its full height.”

“If you make bad calls, then yeah, I would.” I lowered myself and prepared to smash and dash. Lupa stood by my side, and got ready to pounce.

An older looking fellow slithered forth on his tail and came up to inspect me.

“The small creature has a point, Buruzagi. Many of our people were against an alliance with those foolish creatures, and from what we have heard, they deserved their deaths. This one has done us a favor.”

“Honored Elder, your words hold wisdom.” Buruzagi acquiesced. “I, however, do not agree. This ‘Max’ has insulted my husband’s judgement, and my own.”

“Then fight him. Whoever wins is correct.” The Elder shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure she would kill me without trying.” I replied.

“I may.” She smiled evilly.

“I surrender. I stand no chance of beating you, and fighting you in the first place seems like a good way to get killed.”

The Elder crossed his arms and nodded. “I was sure that you would accept. A man should not be so quick to cede his word.”

“A man should not be so quick to cede his life over such paltry matters. I am happy to let Buruzagi have the victory if it means I don’t get my arse kicked up and down this clearing. I’m sure saving her honor means more to her than winning a fight.”

“How would defeating you save my honor?” She asked.

“Hold out your arm, will you?” She complied and I stood next to her, doing the same with mine. “Do you see the difference? I’m about half your size with a good bit less reach than you. Plus, you’re taller and more skilled. Where’s the honor in defeating someone smaller, weaker, and less experienced than you?”

The crowd around us chuckled and my pride ached, but I had avoided being killed for the time being.

Buruzagi coughed. “I had not thought of that.”

“Rarely does anyone think twice about an easy victory.”

“You are wise for someone so young, if your voice is anything to go by.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I’m only about twenty one, though I haven’t really cared about it for a while. I’ve seen my fair share of my world.”

“Your world?” The Elder asked.

“Yes, I’m not from this world. I come from a planet called Earth, and a country called England.”

“Earth as in ‘dirt’?”

“Yes, I know it’s silly, but I didn’t name it that.”

“You are an interesting creature, Max. Perhaps we could persuade you to join us for a while longer?” Buruzagi looked surprised but said nothing.

“I thought I wasn’t welcome here.”

Buruzagi spoke. “It is rare that we have visitors that do not wish to fight.”

“I can’t imagine that you get many that would want to. All of your are frankly terrifying.”

“Thank you, that is quite the compliment.” The Elder brushed his claws against his face.

“...Yeah. So how about I tell you of my world in exchange for safe travels around these parts of the forest? I can’t say there’s much I ever do around here, and without Lupa, I doubt I could find my way back, but it never hurts to have more friends.”

“That title is not given lightly around here.” The Elder explained. Lupa barked and he nodded.

I looked between them. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand her. What did she say?”

The Elder looked surprised. “I forgot that non-Naga races are not able to understand the dialect of most creatures. You know, if you eat more Hizketan Baia, you will be fine.”

“Please don’t tell me those are the berries from the purple flowered bushes.”

He laughed. “No they are not. Those are the Nightshade, you would die if you ate them!”

“I know, that’s why I was hoping that they were different things.”

“They are indeed. We give the Hizketan to our spawn, but we have not had any for a few years now. You are welcome to our supplies. A few of your tiny handfuls should do just fine.”

“So you’re saying that if I eat those, I’ll be able to understand Lupa?”

“Is that the name you have given her? Because she has told us that she prefers Nashoba.”

Lupa barked twice. “Nevermind. She likes the name you have given her.”

“I was hoping she would. It’s a name with a lot of history behind it.”

Lupa’s ears perked up and The Elder seemed interested as well. He extended a clawed hand to the longhouse. “Please, tell us of this history inside. We of the Gose Baso tribe welcome you.” He started off towards the longhouse and Buruzagi followed him Much of the crowd had dissipated save for a few, so it’s not like I was being watched by damn near everyone now. I looked to Lupa and she met my gaze, leaving me behind as she went to dog their nonexistent heels. I accompanied her after a moment.

The inside of the longhouse was rather impressive, with earth toned mud walls keeping the wind and rain out. There were intricate drawing that told stories of past hunts and battles that started from one end and petered off about halfway through, but I was sure that it was an ongoing work. I looked around some more and saw that they had two fire places, one on each side, that gave the structure a woody, smoky smell that I rather enjoyed. The largest Naga I had seen spread wood chips on each of the fires and added logs to them. I assumed the chips were what gave the fire such a pleasant smell, but I had to note that it was fucking HOT in here. So much so, I nearly began sweating just from stepping in, but seeing as how I had been invited in, I didn’t really want to snub them for fear of being disrespectful.

The Elder and Buruzagi were sitting on their coiled tails near the leftmost fire, so I joined them there, sitting crossed legged on the ground.

“Alright, so where do we start?” I asked.

“Wherever you feel you should. You could start with a bit about yourself.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I don’t know if you want to know much about the life of a former thief.”

“Thief?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah, when I was twelve, my mother died after killing my father, and I had no other means of taking care of myself. No family that would look after me, no desire to be put in the foster care system, no kindly strangers that came across a skinny, downtrodden soul. Nope, I took to stealing to feed myself, then I took to stealing to make money so I could pay my own way to feed myself. Don’t misunderstand; I took food from those with plenty to spare, so no one went hungry because of my actions, and I stole baubles from those that had enough to feed a small army, so they wouldn’t miss them. I wasn’t just stealing for satisfaction; I was doing it because I had no other option.”

“We do not like thieves around these parts.” Buruzagi’s tail began to uncoil.

“I figured. I’m not a thief any more. I’ve a better way to make a living than that.”

“And what might that be?” She asked testily.

“I do the occasional job for Princess Luna or Celestia. They pay well, so I don’t have to steal. One of the jobs they sent me on is actually the reason I ended up exterminating the Kobolds. One of them was terrorizing a small town and I was trying to track it down when I came across four of them defiling some poor woman’s body. I don’t know how or when she died, but they were doing something unforgivable in any case, so I may have gotten a bit upset and tracked down as many as I could and destroyed them. It was actually kind of fun.”

The Elder bellowed out a laugh. “Indeed! What was it you were saying about striking down a weaker foe?”

“In fairness, they were about my size and the only advantage I had was Lupa and a few decent knives. They had numbers on me in spades.”

“I suppose a Kobold would be a good match for a creature such as you, but that does not make any sense; if they were your equals, how did you manage to slay them so easily?” Buruzagi asked.

“Well, Lupa was a big help since she drew a lot of their attention, but I’m rather fast and I liked to study anatomy and acupuncture when I was younger. I know where the veins lie, and where the organs hide. It helped me a lot whenever I got into a scuffle, but it’s useless without a weapon to help back it up for the most part. I doubt it would ever work against a Naga, anyway, what with your muscles and scales.”

“It would not. Blows that would fell a Kobold would merely serve to infuriate a Naga!” Buruzagi bragged.

“Be that as it may, if we held such information for the nuisances of Gose Baso, it would be easier to slay the beasts. A little more skill when hunting could not hurt.” The Elder added.

“What does that mean, anyway? Gose Baso?”

“In your language, it means ‘Hungry Forest’. Many of the creatures here prey upon each other, unlike the Lasaia Baso, the Quiet Forest. They may touch each other, but they are so vastly different.”

“We call them the Everfree and Whitetail Woods respectively. I actually live rather close to the Whitetail Woods, so if you ever need something that I can provide, feel free to say hello.”

“Our tribe would not trouble you for matters we ourselves could handle.” Buruzagi huffed.

“But you never know. I have a way with the ponies and a crafty mind. I could come in handy some time. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, just offering my services, should you need them.”

“So you are offering your friendship to us?” The Elder asked. “Even after your earlier disagreement?”

“If Lupa trusts you, I trust you. She tends to be a wise wolf.” She licked my cheek and I wrapped an arm around her.

“...Please tell me you are not bedding the wolf.” Buruzagi asked flatly.

“You fucking what, mate?”
Lupa barked.

“She denies that.” The Elder elaborated. Lupa barked twice more. “She says you are quite promiscuous though.”

“Shut up Lupa!” She pushed me over and licked me. “Alright, alright, bugger off!” She let me up.

“It would seem that she is more your master than you hers.” The Elder idly commented.

“I’m not her master. She may consider that of me, but she is and will always be my equal.”

“Nashoba does not agree, but it is good that you do not see her as a mere wolf. I’m sure you’re aware that she is quite intelligent.”

“I am. There’s definitely more to her than meets the eye, and I can’t wait to learn some of her secrets for once.” I gave her the side eye and she looked at me intently.

“We will provide the Hizketan Baia to you before you make you departure, but we must warn you that we do not know whether or not they are poisonous to your kind. We have seen some animals eat them freely, others die after moments. Some have odd reactions, but we do not understand them well enough to warn you of their dangers, so if you have a healer in your town, we suggest that you have them examine them.”

“I’ll do that. Can your kind eat them freely?”

“We cannot. We have stories of spawn that became too fond of their taste and ate many, turning wild themselves. Our tribe believes that it is a matter of the spirit, and that the Hizketan Baia alters the spirit in a way that allows us to commune with the intelligent creatures. These will not allow you to speak to the average creature, but it will allow you to speak to those such as Nashoba.”

“I look forward to it. I never get to perform enough experiments that risk my life so I can talk to animals.”

“Your humor is odd. What manner of creature did you call yourself?” Buruzagi asked.

“I’m a human. How about I get to that, since it’s actually interesting?”

“You are already interesting, human. It makes me curious as to what your people are like.”

I spent the next few hours telling them of as many details as I could remember. Everything from our food to our entertainment, our clothes and culture, and, when properly motivated, how we did the no no cha cha. It was a strange thing, talking about how humans had sex with a pair of giant snake people, but if they wanted to know, modesty wasn’t going to dissuade me from answering their questions. They explained that Naga treat sex as a sacred thing, only performing it when there’s a full moon which often leads to pent up males and irritable females, but neither of them could explain why it was such a special occasion. They also said that Naga were very polygamous, preferring not to be held down to one mate, though if two fell in love and denied advances or won challenges from three suitors , that they were left alone come the time of the full moon. I found it to be a bit on the odd side, but it wasn’t really my place to judge. Buruzagi not so subtly hinted that the next full moon was coming soon and that I would be welcome to join them if I felt the desire, but I politely declined, citing my preference to knowing people before I slept with them, and the orgy of cold, scaly fuckers really didn’t sound that appealing in any case.

Night fell and the warmth of the longhouse was nice, but the moment we went outside, the sudden drop of temperature had me coughing up a storm. I felt some warm fluid on my hand and ran back into the longhouse to see what the fuck it was, but it was not red. In fact, it was black and quite scary considering I don’t make a habit of inhaling black things. The Elder told me that it may have been the smoke from the fires since most of the buildings were poorly ventilated, but I was still quite worried, so I made it clear that I wanted to get home and find a doctor. He held me for a while longer so we could get the Hizketan Baia, and he sent me away with a jar full of them. I couldn’t see what exactly they looked like since it was so dark, but I thanked him anyways and followed the escort he had detailed back to the Whitetail woods.

The fellows didn't talk all that much, but what they did say was that if I needed to find my way back, that I should follow the trail we were on. Once we got back to familiar territory, they started breaking down branches so I could find the entrance to the path and I thanked them. I’d have to visit them again some time, but it had been a bit strange to meet them so suddenly. I had spent the day with them and had forgotten about the bullshit that was waiting for me in Ponyville, so I was rather happy anyways. I would save eating the Hizketan Baia for the next day when I could have Twilight look over them, but for the time being, it was a good moment to get some much needed rest.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I got to wake up on my own the next morning, which was quite nice. What wasn’t nice was the fact that I walked into my living room and found all five of my friends and Cuntie chilling in my living room. I glanced up at my cock and it told me it was around noon, so I guess they weren’t here at a bad time, though I was only wearing some drawers and a T-shirt which made the situation awkward. They all stared as I slowly backed into my room to put some trousers on.

I came back out and greeted them properly.

“Hullo girls. What’s with the breaking and entering?”

“Dude, why weren’t you wearing pants?” Rainbow asked.

“It’s my house. If I say I don’t want to wear pants, I most certainly will not.”

“As fascinatin’ as your wardrobe situation is, we wanna talk to ya about what happened with your journal.”

“It was an extreme invasion of my privacy, a slap in the face, and the most disrespectful event I’ve witnessed while in Equestria, and I've spoken to both of the princesses. Me. Anyone else want to add something in?”

Cuntie sagged deeper into my loveseat, her hair straight as an arrow.

“Max, you know she didn’t-” Rarity started.

“Great, I’m going to have to burn my loveseat now. I don’t think any amount of washing is going to get that kind of defilement out of the fabric.”

“Loveseat?” Twilight asked.

“Look, she didn’t-” Rarity began again

“I was rather fond of that loveseat. I guess once it’s covered in trash, it’s just not worth it any more now is it? Is there another furniture shop in town? I don’t believe I’ve seen one.”

“That’s not nice.” Fluttershy said quietly.

“That’s accurate.” I replied.

“You know Cuntie didn’t mean to hurt you, she just thought it was a prank.” Twilight started

“How would you feel if I started scribbling in your books Twilight?”

“I would be upset, but I would forgive-”

“No, no, no. I don’t mean your collection, I mean books you yourself wrote. Books that you poured your heart and soul into, something that you put nearly every waking thought and deepest feelings into. How would you feel if someone uncovered your deepest darkest secrets just for laughs?”

“I-I…” Twilight shut up.

I leaned against the wall. “Any more questions? Any more observations?” I reviewed the women in the room.

“Seriously? Nothing?”

Applejack spoke up. “There ain’t no point in talkin’ to ya while you’re like this, Max. No pony wants to risk you layin’ into ‘em.”

“I won’t lay into my friends, not again. Two nights ago, how mad was I at you, Applejack? Did I lay into you then?”

“...Ya took a pretty sharp jab at me.”

“Which is thirty nine less than I normally would have.”

I looked at her until she looked away. “You know, what I don’t understand is how you all can be friends with someone so sneaky and conniving. Someone who’ll smile in your face as she’s stabbing you in the back while knowing that you’ll bend over backwards to forgive her. I don’t understand how you can be friends with someone who looks like a twelve year old, acts like an eight year old, and tries to fuck anything that moves-”

“Max that is ENOUGH!” Rarity stood and faced me. “You have no right to say those things about Cuntie, despite what she’s done! You can’t continue like this , snapping at every pony who wrongs you just because you can-”

“Don’t you even fucking start, you lying cunt! Don’t think I forgot that bullshit you tried to pull! You will never be a good enough liar to fool me, and that little bullshit you pulled was so paper thin, I knew from the moment you opened your gob you were sayin’ bugger all, and I’m so fuckin’ disappointed in ya I don’t even want to look at ya, so why dontcha take yer bullshit right the fuck outta my house.” My inner Chav was being released and the pimp hand was warming up..

“This is exactly what I mean! You get so angry and say such terrible things to ponies who want nothing but good things for you! If you weren’t so busy being a selfish, hateful stallion, you could see that ponies make mistakes!”

“Mistakes? Ya think I give half a damn about yer little bloody mistakes!? I don’t care half the time, but when ya cross lines and play the fuckin’ victim like I’m the bloody one who started takin’ shots in the first fuckin’ place, then I got a goddamn problem with that! So fuckin’ what? What do ya fuckin’ want from me, ‘cause you already know I ain’t one a’ ya bloody ponies, so you can shove you posh little attitude up yer rotten twat!”

“Max, calm down.” Applejack got in between myself and Rarity.

“Calm down!? How bout ya take that dosey pillock and roll over, the lot of ya! See if I give a rat’s arse about whatcha do!” I opened my mouth to yell some more, but Applejack had taken my shoulders in her hands and was staring into my eyes.

“Calm. Down. We don’t gotta talk no more, okay?”

My chest was heaving, but I cooled off quickly. recognizing that Applejack was just trying to diffuse the situation.

“And another thing-” Rarity started to speak again, but her mouth was clamped shut with purple magic.

“You too, Rarity. I hate seeing my friends argue like this.” Twilight looked at her and Rarity relented, taking her outside. Cuntie had disappeared along with Rainbow sometime during the shouting match and now it was just Applejack, Fluttershy and I.

I grabbed Applejacks hand and held them between us, looking down at them. She held mine firmly and pursed her lips to the side.

“You must be mad at me too.” She said softly.

“Not anymore. I was upset, but there’s a reason I asked you and not Rarity or Rainbow where my journal was.”

“Is it the honesty thing?” She asked even softer.

“That’s a part of it, but if you didn’t want to answer, you would’ve just stayed quiet instead of flat out lying to me. No, I’m trying to say that I trust you, Applejack. You wouldn’t steer me wrong.”

“I don’t know how to take that as an insult, so I guess I can only say thank you.” She gave me a little smile.

“You know, if it had been just about anyone else, they would’ve gotten shoved so I could keep arguing.”

“What about Fluttershy?” We both looked to her and she hid behind her hair.

“Shoved.”

“Rainbow?”

“Shoved.”

“Twilight?”

“Shoved for a different reason.”

“What reason is that?”

“Magic is bullshit and she uses it too often against me.”

“That’s not the best reason.”

“It’s good enough for me. Just take the compliment, will you?”

Applejack pursed her lips and looked around. “So, what if it was Celestia?”

I didn’t even have to think about it. “Kissed and then shoved.”

“How the hay are ya gonna kiss somepony then shove ‘em?” She asked, bewildered.

I leaned in and kissed her, then hooked my foot around her leg and pushed her, making her land flat on her ass. I offered her a hand up.

“Like that. You shouldn’t set yourself up so easily, love.”

Applejack took my hand and pulled me down with her. “And you shouldn’t be pushin’ mares that can do that” She got to her feet and I followed soon after.

Fluttershy was still sitting on my sofa, watching us, though there was something in her gaze that made me curious.

“What’s up, Fluttershy?”

“H-How can you go from shouting and yelling to being happy and j-joking around?” She asked.

“Well, the scum that was on my loveseat fucked off and the liar went away, so my two biggest problems aren’t here right now. Plus, have you had Applejack gaze lovingly into your eyes before?” Applejack slapped the back of my head and I rubbed it. “Sorry, I meant have you ever been creepily stared at while angry?” She swung again and I ducked.

"The liar bit is rich, comin' from you, Max." Applejack smirked.

Fluttershy just looked at me. “You don’t make any sense…”

“Would you rather me stay mad and sucker punch Applejack so I can keep making everyone in the room feel like shit? Because that was pretty much the alternative.”

“I only gave ya that one freebie ‘cause ya were drunk, sugarcube. Try it again and I’ll hit back.”

“Does that include kisses? Because if that’s the case, you owe me one.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and Fluttershy giggled.

“Can I get either of you anything? Tea, coffee, a bite to eat?”

“I could use a cup of coffee.” Applejack said.

“I’d like a cup of tea, please.” Fluttershy added.

I prepared both and chatted with them a while longer, which was nice. I was still quite upset, but tried not to let on that I wanted nothing more than to track Rarity down and yell at hr some more. We caught up on the general inanities of life that had taken place since we’d last talked, though it was mostly Fluttershy going on about how her animals were doing. I now thought it was less crazy for her to talk to her animals since I had seen the Naga actually carry on a conversation with Lupa, and speaking of them, apparently neither had ever heard of the Naga, despite them living so close, which I found to be interesting. I had had plenty of coffee as I was sitting between them and had to use the restroom once or twice, and the last time I went, I found them suddenly ceasing a conversation as I walked back in.

“I washed my hands, I swear.”

“Riiight. Have a seat, Max.” Applejack patted the space between them.

“I’d rather stay standing, thank you. Better for the blood flow, it is.”

“Please, Max?” Fluttershy asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes at me.

It was quite suspect, but I didn’t think either of them were going to do anything too bad, so I sat and waited.

“So… I’m sitting.”

“You sure are.” Applejack said far too brightly.

“Mmhmm!” Fluttershy hummed.

I sat and twiddled my thumbs. “Well…” I rubbed my neck.

“So, Max. How would you feel about spending some quality time with Fluttershy and I?”

“I’m perfectly fine with that, but weren’t we already spending some quality time together?”

“Well, we’re not talking about right now,” Fluttershy clarified, “but maybe later tonight.”

I looked at her. “...What kind of quality time are we talking about.”

“Not that kind! We just want to know if you’d be up for some platonic cuddling!” Applejack explained.

“So you’re not asking me for a threesome?” I inquired.

Fluttershy lit up. “N-No! I know you’re not interested in me like that…”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I stayed silent, but Applejack did not.

“I honestly don’t see why not. If I swung that way, I’d be all over ya, Fluttershy. You’re a real pretty mare.”

The buttery mare stroked her hair. “T-Thank you, but I don’t think Max feels the same way.”

“Yeah, see, I’m gonna stop you girls right there. You’re fifteen years too late to try and corner me like this. The next thing you’re going to say,” I turned to Applejack, “is something along the lines of ‘I sure wonder why that is.’ and then Fluttershy will respond with ‘I don’t know, maybe we could ask him?’.”

They both found great interest in my home decor after that. I sighed.

“Look, if you want to know, just ask me to be honest with you.”

Applejack and I looked to Fluttershy who tried to hide. AJ rolled her eyes. “Gee, Max, do you find Fluttershy attractive?”

“Of course I do. She’s hotter than a twenty meter tall bonfire and twice as nice to look at.”

“So why don’t you want to sleep with me?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“I never said that I didn’t want to, I just said that I didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you.”

“Has that changed?” Applejack asked.

“It hasn’t even been a month. I’m more surprised that it’s still an issue. I thought we were fine being friends.”

“W-We are, but I-I…” Fluttershy tapered off.

Applejack just spelled it out for her. “I think what Flutters is tryin’ to say is that she wants an agreement like the one we have.”

“Fluttershy?” I asked gently. “Is that what you want?”

She nodded.

“Then I need to hear you ask.”

“M-Max-”

“No, not like that. Take a deep breath, poppet.” She did. “Look me in the eye.”

Fluttershy turned to me, struggling to maintain eye contact. I took her hands and squeezed them and her eyes flicked downwards.

“Up here, please.”

It took her a moment, but she peeled her eyes away.

“Now, is there something you want to ask me?”

She took another deep breath. “Max. I love you.”

I was fucking floored.

“What?” Applejack asked from behind me.

“I think Fluttershy just told me she loves me.” I answered.

“That’s what I thought I heard. I’m just gonna take a quick walk.” Applejack went to stand.

“Wait!” Fluttershy cried. We both looked at her.

“I know you don’t feel the same way, but I… I just want you to know that and I don’t think it’s going to change anytime soon but I still want to be with you and I don’t want to lie to you and let you think that if we did enter an agreement that I just suddenly started feeling this way even though I just told you, and I know that you’re not the best stallion and I’m ready to accept that, but I still want to try being with you and I promise I won’t push you to change like I was and I’ll respect your privacy and-”

I put a finger on her lips to forestall any more of her rapid fire talking. “Fluttershy, that is the most I’ve ever heard you say in one go. Breathe.”

She started hyperventilating, so I cupped her face in my hands gently. “Breathe slower.”

It took her a minute or two, but she finally managed to calm down.

“Are you sure I can’t take that walk?” Applejack asked nervously.

“Please don’t!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Alright, sugarcube.”

I coughed a couple times. “So… You know I’m a proper knob, yeah?”

“I-I don’t know what that means…”

“It means I’m mean on my good days and worse on my bad ones. What you saw earlier with Cuntie and Rarity were very good examples.”

“Who’s Cuntie?” Applejack asked.

“The pink cunt.”

“...That’s not very nice, Max.” Fluttershy stated.

I spread my hands and lifted my brows. “See what I mean? I wasn’t even trying and I’m still a prick.”

“He’s right, Fluttershy. Ya gotta have a thick skin to deal with him most days. Hay, even some of his compliments sound like insults.”

“I know what I want! You can’t change my heart on this!” She whispered. I’d say she shouted, but with her, there’s not much of a difference.

“I’m not trying to dissuade you, just warning you. We’ll see how this goes, but don’t say I didn’t give you a proper heads up, poppet.” I couldn’t turn her down in good faith since I had seen the better side of her, but I was still nervous about ruining our friendship.

“Thank you Max! You won’t regret this!” Fluttershy beamed at me with tears in her eyes and latched onto me, which I hoped wasn't an omen.

I returned her hug after a moment, but when she didn’t let go, I looked to Applejack for help and she just looked worried.

“Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Yes?”

“Can you let go, please? My ribs are creaking.”

She pulled away with a blush on her face and a smile on her lips, which made me rather nervous. Fluttershy folded her hands and looked at me.

She didn’t say anything. It was weird.

“Hey Fluttershy, why don’t we go check up on Rarity? I think Max here is gonna be just fine.” Applejack offered me an out, for which I was extremely grateful.

“Oh, I guess we could.” She didn’t look to happy about that, but she rose to join Applejack anyway. I saw them out and went to take a few shots to steady my nerves.

I was stressed the fuck out, and didn’t really want to worry them, so I had kept it to myself. It didn’t help that Fluttershy’s confession of love had blindsided me to high heaven and that Applejack had seemed upset about the ordeal, both of which were weighing on me. I couldn’t talk to Lupa because she was nowhere to be found, so I decided to get on with my day and go talk to Twilight so she could analyze the Hizketan for me.

I threw on a jacket and got to stepping, Fluttershy running rampant in my mind, and my argument with Rarity irking me to no end. I was quite annoyed by both events, and the only saving grace I had was that Cuntie had gotten the hell out of my house before I had to look at her again, and that was pretty much the highlight of my day so far. Talking with Applejack and Fluttershy had been pleasant, but the latter bit of the conversation had killed my mood something fierce. I suppose being loved should have made me happy, but my previous reservations about a relationship with her still existed, and it didn’t help that Applejack’s presence had made me feel awfully forced into agreeing. While I doubted that it had been Fluttershy’s intention, the effect was still there and that upset me as well, even though I had regretted not giving Fluttershy a chance. I hate being forced into shit, as many people do.

Having arrived at Twilight’s rather irritated and more than a bit salty, I knocked a bit harder than I had intended the first time, but regulated myself for the second two, reminding myself that Twilight hadn’t done anything to me, so taking my frustrations out on her was unfair and more prickish than I wanted to come off as. Spike answered the door with a smile that evaporated forthwith.

“Oh. Hey dude.”

“Hey, Spike. What’s up?”

He glared at me. “You lied to me.”

“About what?”

“You are in a relationship with Rarity!”

“Yeah, but probably not any more. We just had one hell of a row and I’m rather sure she thinks I’m evil.”

“Well you are! You said you wouldn’t lie to me!”

“How would you have reacted if I told you, huh? Would you have accepted that, or would you hate me for trying to let you down softly?”

“I would have understood!” He shouted petulantly.

“Fine. Ask her out. I dare you.”

“I will!”

We stood and he glared at me for a while. “So is Twilight here?”

“If she was, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“So much for being a man. You sound like a cranky crybaby.”

Spike slammed the door and I went on my way to find… Well shit. I couldn’t very well ask Rainbow where Twilight was because she was most likely with Cuntie, and I couldn’t ask Applejack or Fluttershy because they were heading over to Rarity’s, which is where Twilight probably was. There wasn’t much I could do besides go home and fuck around since I had apparently burned the fuck out of the bridge between Spike and I, so what else was there to do while I was in town?

I thought about it as I walked towards town square and it hit me; I could go shopping! I had never really ad the chance to do so in England and it was more of a necessary chore here, so shopping for fun could be an interesting experience. I needed more soap and cologne anyway, now that I had grown tired of smelling like sandalwood all the time. With a destination in mind, I sallied forth and carried on with my afternoon.

I ended up buying some soap that smelled like atypical male cologne and got the matching scented oil to go with it, foregoing the spray variety since I wanted something new. It was a rather musky, heavy scent that I would have to use lightly, but it would do. The rest of the town didn’t hold too much, so I started shopping for a new loveseat at a place called ‘Firefly’s Fantastic Furniture!’. They had some interesting wares, but there was a piece that was slightly larger than my current loveseat that I found myself very fond of, so I bought it and hired some movers to bring it over. They put it on a wagon and I lead them to my place, having them throw out my old chair and bring in the new one. It matched my current layout better than the last one had, and I actually smiled because of it. I hadn’t realized that I cared until I had done something about it and wondered what else I didn’t like about my house. I noticed that the walls seemed eerily bare, so I followed the movers back and went shopping for a few paintings to liven the place up. Unfortunately, there weren’t any specialty stores that held wall decorations like the ones I was looking for in town, but I did find that there were a few scattered about in different shops that were all done by the same three artists. I picked up a frame that portrayed the Whitetail Woods in beautiful, rich blues and bright whites and greys, while another I had purchased was more of a cityscape that was overall lighter and cast mostly in greys and blacks, which was quite contrasting to the generally vibrant tones that plagued Ponyville. Shopping around some more, I picked up a few tasteful wall sconces and some masculine candles that smelled phenomenal to with them.

I went home and realized that I had forgotten to grab hanging nails or a hammer, so out I went to the local hardware store to find some. The layout of the hardware shop made no sense, but I found everything I need eventually, and bought some carpentry supplies so I could start a hobby that I had always wanted to do. Heavily laden with a massive stack of crap, I made my way back home again as the sun was setting. Shopping had actually been fun and I was looking forward to doing it again some time, perhaps with some company.

Setting myself to do the task I had made for myself, I began finding proper places for my painting and decided that the large blue one would go in my living room behind my couch and that the other would go on the wall in front of my bed. I was sure I could have put them in better places, but I liked where they were and didn’t want to mar my walls any further, so I left them where they were and set up my wall sconces on either side of my blue painting. It went well with the general theme of the room, so I went out to my back porch and started making myself a work table. If I didn’t want it to get ruined by the weather, I was going to have to get a tarp or something of the like to cover it, but for now, the skies seemed to be darkening rapidly.

Wait, What?

A dark rainbutt was being pushed directly over my house and I had a sneaking suspicion as to who was doing the pushing of said butt. Now that I knew Pegasi were responsible for the weather, and that Rainbow Dash was the leading Weather Mare, it could be noone other than her that was trying to literally rain on my parade. As the first few drops began to fall, I moved my lumber inside so I could at least save it from getting wet before I put my laquer on it, and wondered why Rainbow was being a twat. I knew not forgiving Cuntie had probably not gone over well with her, but I was still a friend of hers at the moment and hadn’t blew up at Rainbow personally, so I figured that she would just leave me be for a while. When the booming thunder started, I quickly realized that was not going to be the case.

It was a torrential downpour that was likely going to ruin my lawn and porch if I didn’t put a stop to it, but as I looked out of my window to see if I could catch her attention, Rainbow’s signature trail zoomed across the sky toward Ponyville. Oh well, I could deal with a bit of rain.

Fluttershy and Applejack stopped by around eight, and they were both soaked when they let themselves in.

“I really have to start locking that door.” I commented before going to grab them both towels.

“I see Rainbow ain’t too happy with ya.” Applejack called from the doorway.

“I think it’s the thing with Cuntie.” I walked back in and handed both of them two towels apiece. “She’s being rather childish about the whole ordeal, if the storm is anything to go by.”

As if to prove my words, the thirteenth house shaking clap of thunder rolled in.

“Maybe you should just forgive Cuntie and let it slide, just this once.” Applejack suggested hopefully.

“Nope. I already gave her a second chance, and she’s completely blown it. I got a new loveseat, by the way” I pointed to it.

“What happened to your old one?” Fluttershy inquired softly.

“It’s out back, on my porch. Once it dries out, I’m going to have a bonfire.”

“...You’re actually just going to waste a perfectly good piece of furniture just because Cuntie sat on it?” Applejack asked slowly.

“Yup. I follow through on what I say I’ll do. Just be happy I didn’t dropkick her like I said I would. That time I guess I didn’t follow through.”

“Max…” Fluttershy expressed some discomfort and I gave her a bright smile.

“Sugarcube, that’s so petty, I don’t even know what to say.” Applejack seemed awfully disappointed.

“Then don’t say anything about it and come on in! I got a painting and some sconces while I was out. What do you think?”

They cautiously walked in a bit further. “They’re very nice, Max, but I think you’re taking this thing with Cuntie too far…” Fluttershy voiced her opinion.

“No, too far would be going to her flat, cussing her out, and tearing apart her room again just because I feel like it. Why do you girls always take the side of the trespasser?” I asked with a little grin.

Fluttershy gaped. “I-It’s not that! We just...”

“Don’t answer that, Fluttershy, he’s baitin’ ya so you’ll say something dumb. You gotta learn to watch what you say around Max or it’ll bite you in the rear faster than you can blink.”

“I like you, AJ, you’re a smart cookie. I wish you’d stop ruining my fun, but I’m glad you stepped in before I hurt Flutters’ feelings.”

“No problem.you gotta watch what ya say, too, buster. Fluttershy’s more sensitive than most ponies.”

“Eh, so you say. Do you girls want to throw your clothes in the dryer? I’ve got some robes that you can use while you wait.”

“Thank ya kindly. Mind if we use your guest room to change?” Applejack asked.

“It’s all yours, though I don’t see why you would need to. I’ve seen both of you wearing far less before.” They both blushed and Applejack lightly smacked my arm as she walked past me.

“You’re terrible. You know that, right?” She told me, only half joking.

“You remind me every chance you get.”

I made some tea while I waited for them, and put some biscuits on a platter. I had bought them earlier while shopping since they seemed tasty, and I needed some snacks for my guests. I tried one and my assumption had been quite correct, so I sat in my easy chair and waited for my lady friends to come out and keep me company.

They came out of the back room a minute or two later with their clothes neatly folded, handing them off to me for drying. Applejack took up a spot on one end of the couch and Fluttershy on the other, leaving the middle for me again. I took my place and laid back.

“So how have you girls been for the rest of the day?”

“Fine, though Rarity’s still upset with you.” Applejack remarked evenly, taking my arm and resting her head on my shoulder. Fluttershy laid her head on my lap and I let my hand glide through her mane.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine in a few days, she just needs to cool down. It does bother me that she’s often the first to take a stance against me, though.” I remarked

Applejack interlaced my fingers with her and drew a triangle on the back of my hand, which I found very appropriate. “We’ve talked to her, and it’s just that she expects more from ya, Max. She thinks you’re a better guy than you pretend to be, even if you are changing.”

“If I was a better guy, I probably wouldn’t have attacked Cuntie’s self esteem. It takes a lot to earn my enmity for any real period of time, however, and I would like to think you girls understand that.”

“We do, but Rainbow and Rarity think you’re just being cruel for the sake of it, and the nickname you’ve given Cuntie doesn’t really prove them wrong.” Fluttershy replied.

Applejack tapped the center of her triangle and started again. “I get your side of it pretty well. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I don’t remember you ever forgivin’ Cuntie for eavesdroppin’ on ya in the Lock Pad, or for tellin’ me about your past, come to think of it.”

“I never did because she never apologized. That was strike one.”

“So if she apologized for it, would you forgive her?” Fluttershy inquired.

“Hell no. If she can proposition me without ever bringing it up, then she obviously never felt bad about it. The constant propositioning was strike two, by the way.”

Applejack drew a hexagon. “And strike three was the journal?”

“Yup.”

“So nopony else has crossed a line three times with you?” She asked, confused.

“Not without showing remorse each time. I may have had multiple rows with Celestia and Fluttershy,” I pinched the yellow mare’s cheek, “but those were mutual things. I did something that upset them and they let me know, which ended with arguing and once with a kiss.”

Applejack stopped her doodling. “So it’s okay because everypony involved was angry?”

“No, it’s okay because it never went past harsh words. There was no revealing of secrets, no theft, and no personal injury to either party.”

She flipped my hand over and started tapping a beat onto my palm. "You’re an odd one at first glance, but the more ya explain things, the better I think I understand ya. You’re a private fella who doesn’t like to open up to people, but you’ll do it if ya feel you need to. You’re mean at times, but I think it’s more that you’re dedicated to a good joke or that you want people to learn from what you believe are mistakes, rather than just bein’ an ass for the sake of it. How am I doin’ so far?”

“You’re hitting the nail on the head for the most part. Sometimes I am mean for the sake of it, but that’s the culture I was raised into; we take the piss and let it all go, so that’s why I don’t really hold grudges for arguments. That, and if I’m going at it with someone, then they obviously have something on their mind that’s bothering them, so I can’t really stay mad about someone finding a way to get their frustrations out. I’d say it’s an English thing, arguing, but it’s just as British.”

“What’s the difference?” Fluttershy poked my side.

“Well, I’m from the country of England, but Britain is like a small coalition of a few other countries that are on the same island, like Wales and Scotland.”

“Oh, you mean like the island of Whales, Scotchland and Bridleland?” Fluttershy asked.

“...Fucking gross. I guess Scotchland is accurate, though, since the Scots in my world were a bunch of drunks.”

“The Scotch ponies here are famous for their ale, but not for scotch whiskey. They actually get their name from butterscotch. Scotch butterscotch is the best in the world.” Applejack sighed.

“Please don’t tell me you coat apples in butterscotch.” I groaned.

She lifted her head from my shoulder and looked at me. “That may be the best idea I’ve ever heard.”

I shivered and gagged. “Butterscotch is terrible!”

“I like it…” Fluttershy stated.

“So do I.”

“Both of you are sick in the head. Explains why you enjoy my company.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and laid her head back where it had been. “You say that like ya have no self confidence, but I think we know better.”

“No, you’re actually right on that to a point. I have the odd problem of I’m the coolest sentient being on the planet while simultaneously hating myself to the core.”

“How do you even manage that?” Applejack scoffed.

“A beautiful balance of self loathing and narcissism. What about you, Applejack? What do you think of yourself?”

“Well, I think I’m just your average-” I chuckled, “What’s so funny?”

“You are certainly not average, but please, continue.”

“As I was saying, just an average country mare with a big heart, a thick hide, and honesty pourin’ from every pore.”

“That’s pretty true, except for the average part. You might be the most normal of my friends, but none of you are average.”

“...Even me?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Yes, you too. Average doesn’t describe any of you very well, at least not in my book. Then again, I’m not even from here so I guess my opinion doesn’t count for much on that front.”

“Speaking of your book, is what’s goin’ on right now going into it?”

“Everything goes in there. What I think about what I wake up, what I cook for Lupa, what I did all day and all the conversations I have. Everything.”

Applejack squeezed my hand. “So when you say everything, do you mean in great detail too, or just mentions?”

“I put in a good bit of detail, though there are a few things I leave out. Mostly because I just don’t think they’re terribly important or pertinent to providing an accurate picture of my life. I skip the days where I’m not doing much by just putting what goes on in a paragraph or a few sentences so I don’t get bored if I ever decide to read back through them. One day, I plan on sharing them with Celestia so we can have a laugh or just talk about it.”

Fluttershy sat up. “Why Princess Celestia in particular?”

“Well, it’s Celestia. What else can I say?”

“...Will you ever share them with me?”

“That’s asking a lot of me rather early on, poppet.”

“Well, I want to see you journal too.” Applejack added.

“Not happening, both of you. If I ever feel the desire to let you into my mind, I will, albeit begrudgingly, answer your questions. The only reason I want to share my journals with Celestia is because my days are numbered and hers on not. When I’m dead and gone, I want her to have something to remember me by.”

“That’s real sweet, sugarcube, but kinda depressing.”

“No shit. Dying doesn’t sound like the happiest prospect, but it’s something we all do eventually, save for Celestia and Luna apparently.”

“That’s just the way Alicorns are, I suppose. Nopony’s ever seen one die.” Applejack explained

“No one you know of, at least. How about we get off of this depressing topic and go back to snuggle time? You girls are awfully cuddleable.”

“Well...” They said in unison.

Applejack spoke first. “I got a question, Max.”

“Yes?”

“How much of what we, er, DID, did you write down.”

I felt my face heat up and I scratched at my face.

Fluttershy tugged at my sleeve. “That’s my question too.”

“It’s a lovely night for a walk, isn’t it? Why don’t we kip on over to somewhere this conversation isn’t happening?”

“Max,” Applejack didn’t sound angry per se, “how much detail did you put in there?”

“Well, you see, I consider it a rather important occurrence and there’s a delicate balance-”

“You’re tryin’ to dodge the question and it ain’t workin’. I want to see that part in particular, since it’s me in there. That’s not askin’ too much, is it?”

“Well, I suppose it’s fair, but it’s rather personal.”

“I want to see mine as well!” Fluttershy added.

They were both staring at me with such an intensity that I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Normally, I could have kept a cool head and brushed them off, but they had a right to know what I had written about them in that respect, but I was iffy on sharing my mid-coital thoughts with them. I couldn’t talk my way out of it with both of them sitting there, and I didn’t think my obvious discomfort was going to convince them to leave it be, so I could either tell them both no and leave it at that, or take the risk of letting them see my work.

Fuck me, right?

“Fine, I’ll go get your respective pages-”

“PAGES?” Applejack asked, astonished.

“Well… Yes?”

They traded a look and they both blushed, leaving the three of us doing our best imitations of a tomato.

I walked off quickly and heard them whisper to each other as I left. Wondering just what in the bloody fuck I was doing with my life at this given moment, it took me a good while to sort through my writings and find their individual sections, placing the rest of my pages on my bed so I could organize them when they were finished reading. I was quite anal about how I kept my notes, thank you very much, and I wasn’t going to change that anytime soon. I even had headings on the individual pages so I could keep them in order. Obsessive tendencies aside, I returned to the living room with a very awkward silence awaiting me.

“So… Uh…” I handed each of them a few pages and they looked at my tidy scrawl in shock.

“You write this small and yet you filled three pages.” Applejack gaped.

“Well, there was a lot going on…”I paced back and forth as they began reading, casting furtive glances at me every few moments.

I decided to make myself scarce and went for my liquor and brought out three tumblers, dropping three ice cubes in each and filling them rather high. I know I needed it at the moment. Presenting the glasses to them, they both sniffed the amber liquid and drank quickly, Fluttershy sputtering when she finished hers.

“Why does it burn so much!?” She croaked.

“Because it’s good.” I set the bottle on the coffee table and pulled my easy chair to the other side. “I feel somewhat left out. Do either of you keep a record of some kind?”

They shook their heads and kept reading, their cheeks maintaining the blush from earlier as they read on. Fluttershy began fanning herself a few minutes in and Applejack was crossing and uncrossing her legs, never seeming to keep them one way or the other for very long.

“Hey, Max?” Applejack asked softly, her gaze still on the pages.

“Yes, love?”

“Did Cuntie ever say how far she got in your journals?”

“Yeah, she said she got a little past Fluttershy’s bit.”

Fluttershy looked up and her eyes widened.

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I was so pissed that she read through it in the first place. Those are very intimate details.”

“I’ll say. I don’t want to repeat any of this to anypony. Ever.”

“Yeah, let’s not do that and keep this to ourselves, yeah?”

“...I had no idea The Princess was doing that during my massage.” Fluttershy murmured.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about, and I can tell you that it was a shock to me as well.”

“It seems like you rather enjoyed it.”

“...So I did.” I drained my glass again and filled theirs while I was at it. I have a full glass policy in my house, and it served me well in such situations.

Fluttershy handed me back her pages first and I put them back in their rightful place while Applejack was still reading. She finished shortly after and I was grateful for the extra reason to leave the room. I sat back down in the easy chair after hiding my journal again.

“So, what did you think?” I asked shyly.

Applejack drummed her fingers on the armrest of the couch. “...I think you’re a very creative fella who has something he needs to do right about now.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement.

“And that would be?”

I learned what that was very quickly, with no further explanation needed. They asked me to leave our actions out of my journals for the time being, so you’ll find no smut here. I must say, Applejack pushed some interesting boundaries she had previously laid, and I was much happier for it in the end. I can't go into much detail, sadly, but I asked and I was told that I can say that it was a very good night.

If you’re reading this and you’re not me or Celestia, Go Fuck Yourself.