Applejack was finishing her lunch as her brother ran past the house. She quirked an eyebrow, but decided if it was important he would have told her so. She swallowed the last bite and got up, putting her plate in the sink. She heard a knock on the front door, and walked out of the kitchen to answer it. At the door stood Twilight, a disappointed look on her face. “Howdy, Twi. What brings you out to the farm today?”
“Hi, Aj, I need your help with something.”
“What do ya need?”
“I need to get laid.”
“What the what now?” Applejack blurted out as she slowly backed away from her friend.
“Celestia sent me a letter saying I need to get laid, but when I asked Rarity, she wasn’t able to help much. So, I came here to see if you had any advice to help me get a stallion, so I can finish the lesson.”
Applejack breathed a small sigh of relief. Then she thought about what the alicorn said, and was confused again. Why would the princess give her friend a lesson like that? “Um, are you sure that's what the lesson is supposed to be?”
“Of course. The letter was very simple.” Twilight pulled out the scroll and showed it to Applejack. As the earth pony read the short letter, she thought about it for a moment, and reluctantly agreed with it.
“Well, I guess the best advice I can give you is to be straightforward and honest with a stallion. Tell them right up front what you want and what you expect from them. There's no need to beat around the bush about it.” Applejack told the other mare.
Twilight looked perplexed for a moment, then said “That must be why your brother didn’t seem interested.”
“Yeah, some stallions don’t like a... wait what?”
“I saw your brother on my way here and tried some things I had read in the books covering the subject, but he didn’t respond to them at all.”
“Let me get this straight, you tried to get my brother to rut you?”
“Yes?” Twilight said, as she backed away from the quickly angering farm pony.
“Get out,” Applejack deadpanned. She pushed the alicorn out the door and then slammed it in her face.
Twilight looked at the door, confused. After a moment, she turned around and walked back into town. She couldn’t understand why Applejack got upset. Once she arrived back in town, she spotted Doctor Whooves. She had a small crush on the stallion, him being one of the few ponies she could converse with about science and technology. He would understand her situation and could help. She walked over to him and stated plainly “Doctor, I need your help with something.”
The tan stallion smiled, wondering what Twilight needed. “Sure, I’m always happy to help.”
Twilight perked up. Applejack’s advice was working. “I need your help getting laid for a lesson from Celestia.”
Doctor Whooves jaw left an imprint in the ground below him. He stood there stunned for a full minute before he could speak again. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
Twilight again stated plainly “I need to get laid and want you to help me.”
“That’s what I thought you said.”
“So will you help?”
“No, I’m already in a relationship. I highly doubt she would appreciate if I did what you're asking,” Doctor Hooves said before he turned to trot away.
“Oh, I guess that would be bad. Sorry to bother you then.” Twilight said, her head drooping.
As she walked away, a blue blur flew past her and into the ground, leaving a trench. As the dust settled, a rainbow mane came up from the end of the trench. “Ow, that's going to leave a mark.”
Twilight perked up a bit at the sight of her pegasus friend. She was sure to have the advice she needed. “Rainbow, I’m glad you're here. I got a letter from Celestis this morning, and I need help getting laid.”
Dash paused for a moment, then smirked. “Twi, I’d love to punch your v-card, but I think my awesomeness would blow your mind.”
It was Twilight's turn to be confused. Was Dash suggesting what it sounded like she was? “Um, I meant advice on how to pick up a stallion, not suggesting that we...”
“Oh, I don’t know anything about stallions. Have you considered you might be better off with a mare?”
“I... actually never considered that.” Her parents were very conservative, and her time with Celestia hadn’t hanged that in the slightest. But she couldn’t dismiss the idea without considering it. Maybe she should try both. As she continued pondering the idea, Dash took flight with a wave.
How would she even approach another mare about it? She hadn’t ever read anything on the matter. This required research. She hurried to her castle, hoping there would be some books on the matter. When she walked into the castle library, she saw Starlight and Trixie quietly reading. She began to scan her shelves in an attempt to find something, anything about picking up mares.
As she became more and more frantic, Starlight looked up from her book and asked, “Everything alright Twilight?”
“I can’t find a book on how to pick up mares.”
Starlight’s eyes shrank, mouth agape. Trixie look up from her book, an eyebrow raised as she asked, “And why exactly do you need a book like that?”
“Celestia told me I need to get laid, and at first I was trying to pick up a stallion. But when I spoke to Dash, she suggested that I try with a mare, but I have no idea how.”
Starlight processed this for a moment. Then she started to grin, manifesting a riding crop and a ball gag. Twilight’s eyes went wide. Trixie started to circle around her on the other side, grinning evilly. “I think we can help you with that, Twilight.” She cracked the crop against a table. “Trixie and I have wanted a third for our party nights, and I think you’d be a perfect sub for us.”
Twilight squeaked and started shrinking back. Then, her fear of the sadistic look on the unicorns faces overwhelmed her, so she teleported, wanting to be anywhere else at the moment. Once she was gone, the two unicorns fell to the floor laughing. “I... I can’t believe the look on her face.” Trixie exclaimed between bouts of laughter.
“Oh goodness, she’s going to be freaked out for days.” Starlight choked out as she hugged her sides, laughing hard.
As the two laughed at their prank, Twilight appeared in Sugarcube Corner.