//------------------------------// // Part 2: Big Mac // Story: Which Pony Shall I Be Today? // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// An enviable physique, brimming with muscles. A shaggy mane on my back, in serious need of a good brushing. And to top it all off, a really big... neck. Just as soon as I lost consciousness as the pink brat, I regained it as this gigantic hulk of a stallion towering over her. Everypony present was still gathered around the little one... checking her pulse, stroking her head, cradling her unresponsive body. Very different from where I live in central London, where the first reaction to someone fainting would be to take up amateur dentistry to prise out their gold teeth. As ecstatic as I was at discovering I was male once again (although, my original species would've been nice) it was time for me to toddle off, especially as I saw Filthy and Spoiled hurrying over to join the fray. One was desperate to see if his daughter was alright, the other seemed far more concerned with keeping any potential paparazzi away from the now 'black sheep' of the family. Guess who was who? I felt for the kid, I really did. Not only did she have the worst named comedy double act in showbiz history for parents, it was an almost certainty she was going to be given the works in terms of psychological assessments in the aftermath of her possession. Linda Blair, eat your heart out. You could say her upcoming lobotomy was at least partially my fault, but how else would you expect me to react when waking up after a night of debauched revelry, to discover that you're a small pink horse in opulent surroundings that would've put Buckingham Palace to shame in their pretentious grandeur? I needed to ponder more on this unexpected (and unwanted) chain of events, and I tended to think best on my feet, or hooves if I must start calling them that. In other words, it was my intention to take a little stroll to clear my jumbled head, scope out my surroundings and find whatever sick cosmic entity relocated me to this overdeveloped alien rodeo and beat the living daylights out of them. I can't wait. I tried taking a sneaky step forward, forgetting momentarily that I was restricted by the heavy cartload of apples firmly harnessed to my back. Damn, this blasted wagon could be the difference between me making a clean getaway or being forced to explain how I flattened a filly with so much force she was comatose on the dirt, her tongue dangling free like a broken yo-yo. Also, from what I've seen of Mummy and Daddy, they could hire the best lawyers to make sure I was confined to my horsebox for a very long stretch. Not on my watch, you upper-class twits. Hang on a minute... do they use money here? Or even, do they have a functioning judicial service? If so, does Phoenix Wright work for them? Miles Edgeworth, perhaps? It might sound wacko, but in this newly discovered cartoon wonderland, anything seems possible. Apart from rational thought, of course. Anyway, as quietly as I could, I extracted myself from the vehicle of transportation and silently crept away. Sorry market shoppers, you're going to have to make do without your quota of russets today. I had almost managed to fully turn the corner unseen, which is amazing when you consider that this lugubrious form wasn't exactly designed for ninja-style maneovures, when... I heard a girlish scream nearby from underneath one of my hooves. Uh oh. Quickly lifting the limb up, I discovered that it was mere inches from crushing some goofy-looking colt with a brown mane and a pair of tiny wing nubs. So, they have pegasuses (pegasi?) here too. Interesting... Unfortunately, while the buck-toothed one had narrowly avoided being flattened into a dusty pancake, his camera hadn't been so lucky, and now lay in pieces on the ground. I looked down at the debris guiltily, and decided to offer him a trade on the spot in exchange for my carelessness. See, I do have a heart. Sometimes. "Sorry about that, dude." I spoke in an ridiculously countrified accent. Go figure. "You can have all the apples that I've just dumped over there by means of compensation. I'm sure if you sell them, you'll be able to buy yourself a nice, modern digital camera, not like that primitive piece of junk you were carrying before. I mean... hello? The 80's called... they want their blueprint back..." Needless to say, my yokelish speech, full of anachronisms and slang as it was, caused the colt's demeanor to turn on a dime from gibbering terror to utter confusion. I realise I might be talking nonsense from his perspective and that of every other pony around, but hey... I didn't ask to be a tourist in Bizarroland, so why should I try and conform? Until I can find a way out of this mess, they're just going to adjust to my wavelength. Such as it is. In the meantime, I had enough problems of my own. Diamond Tiara's personal fan club had evidently heard the nearly squashed colt's pathetic yelp of fear, and now all their attention was focused on me. "Where are you going?" A magenta coloured mare broke free from their number, a similar hue to my despised ex-mother, although this creature appeared much more affable than Spoiled on the surface. It was apparent though, that my unwillingness to help after the accident was distinctly out of character for me in her mind, and she gazed at me through perturbed eyes. "E-er, I was just stretching my legs, darling. Hard work, carting around them apples all day..." I tried to accompany my blatant lies with a wide, phony grin, but not surprisingly, this only seemed to implicate me further. " Uh-huh, I see, and that's why you dropped your produce all the way over there, while trying to creep off..." The mare said skeptically, and as she sized me up I couldn't help but notice the strange tattoo on her flank of three smily little flowers. All the other equines in attendance had poorly drawn illustrations of a similar nature too... weird. They should try my local tattooist, he did the Chinese symbol for 'hate' on my right arm a treat. The lucky chap could retire early, with all these new customers... "Hello, can you hear me?..." I heard the magenta mare call out, as she frantically waved a garish hoof in my line of sight. "What has gotten into you today, Big Mac?!" "Yeah, I'll have that, and a double serving of fries, with a diet coke..." I answered absent-mindedly, my ailing brain still caught in La La Land, without all the obnoxious singing and dancing, of course. Although, it was still early days yet... "What are you talking about?! Come to think of it, why are you speaking so much anyway?! I hope you're not going to be this spaced out during our date tonight..." The mare shook her head, as flabbergasted as everyone else at this unfamiliar persona her 'coltfriend' had adopted. "Date? Nah, I can't do that. I don't go out with animals..." Still deep in concentration, I continued to waffle on as if I was still in my original form and world. "Besides, I've already got a girl. Sorry, luv." "P-pardon?" I was quickly bought back to Earth... or wherever the heck this was, by a firm slap around the chops. "H-how could you? I-I always thought you were such a decent guy... i-it's like I've never known you at all..." "Baby!" I clutched my cheek in pain, as I attempted to undo the damage I'd just caused... by relying on hoary old romantic cliches. Bound to work. "It's not you, it's me. There's plenty of fish in the sea. With each failure, arises a new opportunity..." "I bet I know who it is too..." The angry mare wasn't listening to a word I said, which is just as well, really. " That floozy you couldn't stop banging on about when you returned from your holiday at the rock farm. 'Beware the quiet ones', indeed. Well, I'll be traveling up there straightaway to have a little word in her ear, but as for you..." She turned to give me a most fearsome glare, that even made those converged around Diamond Tiara's still lifeless body recoil in shock. "We're over. Wild horses couldn't drag me back to you now. I don't even think another magical potion by your little sister and her friends would have any effect this time, either. Goodbye, Big Mac. I hope you're proud of yourself, that you've broken this p-poor t-teacher's h-heart..." And, on that 'uplifting' note, the devastated mare burst into tears and galloped away at a considerable speed, all while ignoring my useless pleas of forgiveness. It would appear that females of any species never listen. Preserved internally for future reference. I looked down depressingly at the little squirt I'd almost pulped to be greeted with a simple shrug of the shoulders, before an audible booing could be heard coming from the nearby congregation. "Hey, shut up!!" I refuse to be made to feel morally inferior by a bunch of old nags. "It was a brief fling, that's all. A one-night stand. A roll in the hay. Don't tell me you peop... ponies have never done anything like that, when it's breeding season and jockeys need something to ride, labourers need something to pull and the glue factory requires essential ingredients. Anyway, I must go now. If you want to sue me, take it up with my insurance company. You can find them several trillion light years from here. Ciao." That's when I made myself scarce, trotting in the opposite direction to where my 'old flame' was headed, (past experience has taught me well in the art of severing all ties with my former girlfriends), kicking up a huge cloud of dust in my egress. Hopefully, this camouflage would be enough for me to make good my escape. Amongst all the spluttering and coughing that I left behind, one snotty voice stood out from the rest, one that I'd used not so long ago, which fortunately was no longer under my control. "Why am I on the dirty ground outside? Why is everypony gathered around me? What is this giant bruise on my head doing here? Why are you staring at me like that, mother and father? Why is Nurse Sweetheart approaching me with that giant needle? Why do I suddenly feel so s...lee...py zzzz...." Sorry, Diamond Tiara. I do hope you can forgive me one day. I'll come and visit you in the mental ward, I promise... whatever form I might inhabit next. Which would you prefer, red, or green grapes now? .................................................................................................................... You'd think waking up in a new town with unique infrastructure and uncommon residents might pique my curiosity enough to look around, but you'd be dead wrong. I was too focused on what I'd done to poor Diamond Tiara, how I'd destroyed Big Mac's chance at ever achieving lasting happiness, if I was ever going to see my grotty yet cozy little flat ever again... I was supposed to pay the bailiffs today too, and I really wanted to hold onto my colour TV. Hopefully, time stood still at home, while I was trapped helplessly in the Twilight Zone... Also, I'd told my girlfriend I referred to earlier that I'd go clothes shopping with her today. I have to admit, I wasn't too conflicted at missing out on that particular experience. Mind you though, a man, or a stallion has certain needs. If I'm not going to have 'cuddle time' with my special lady for a while due to my good self being stranded here, I may be forced to copulate with one of the locals, utilising my newly extended anatomy. A slightly frightening, if intriguing proposition. And by the looks of things, I wouldn't be short of possible candidates either... at least three quarters of this town looked to be female, going by the amount of eyelashes on display. If only they were actually human, along with me, I might never want to go home again. Ah, well... It would also depend of course, if I could stay in this body for long enough to accomplish that worthy goal. If only I could still find some way to prevent myself switching again, it would make things so much easier... "Big Mac? Just what in tarnation is goin' on 'round here?" My train of thought was abruptly halted by a hillbilly-influenced orange pony with a yellow flowing mane and a cowboy hat rapidly approaching, and she didn't seem very pleased to see me. Not another ex, I hope. Time to turn on the charm again... This time however, my new companion didn't let me utter a single syllable before her first complaint emerged. "I've just heard from a lot of other ponies in town... you done knocked Diamond Tiara out, the daughter of our biggest client, and then ran off without even giving her aid?" "I-I..." I struggled to find a decent counterargument to that salient point. "Opalescence got your tongue, huh?" The angry orange mare fumed, her pronounced scowl encompassing almost her entire face. "Well, apparently you weren't short of a few words earlier, so don't try and fool me with the old silent treatment. I also found out you dumped an entire days worth of profits on the street, that poor Featherweight strained his back in trying to carry them off and now you got Miss Cheerilee heading on up to the rock farm to challenge Marble Pie to a grudge match, on account of something you told her! So, I ask again: Just what is goin' on with you today?! Come on, spill!" "W-well..." I could think of a few things to say, but I didn't want to make things even worse... oh, what to do? What to do?! Meanwhile, the orange pony's ire seemed to have simmered down somewhat at my anxious flustering, and she ambled over to my side in a display of kinship. "I know it's been tough, sugarcube, ever since our parents passed away. I suppose I always assumed that you could cope with the responsibility of doing the farmwork, while I raised Apple Bloom and Granny... well, was just Granny. But since I've been on Cutie Map duty and tasked with saving the world at least once a year, I can see how things might of got a tad stretched for y'all. If you ever need to talk to your little sis..." The revelation that this mare was family hit me as she put a friendly hoof around my neck, a touching gesture that might have meant more if I didn't feel a massive electrical charge pass through my system at that precise second... And, just like that, I was female again. Wearing a very baggy hat, to boot. Sighing in frustration while I adjusted it, I turned to my new 'brother' to ask him simply: "So, you're Big Mac, are you?" "Yup." "Do you have any memories of the last hour, at all?" "Nope."