//------------------------------// // The Angriest Place on Earth // Story: Totally Random! // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens. “WAAAAAAAAAALT DIIIIIIISNEEEEEEEEY!” Dan Vs. Walt Disney Dan felt a light tap on his shoulder and turned to see that it came from a hand with nails painted hot pink that was attached to a shapely and attractive woman that also happened to be his girlfriend. “Uh, Dan?” Pinkie Pie began with a small smile. “Walt Disney is kinda, sorta deady already…” Dan stared at Pinkie blankly for a moment, his lips tightening as his thoughts began to collect. “Whoa… uh… Pinkie?” “Yes, Danny-kins?” “I love you, and don’t get me wrong, really impressed with your speed here, but maybe you and I should discuss some ground rules regarding when it’s appropriate to murder someone and when it’s not.” It was Pinkie’s turn to stare blankly as her thoughts began to collect. “Uh…” “Still, if you didn’t mangle him too much, I can at least slap his corpse around a little.” Dan Vs. Walt Disney’s Corpse “Erm… I think we’ll need a shovel for that,” Pinkie said. Dan’s eyes flew open. “You buried him alive!?” Dan said in disbelief. “Now that is hardcore!” “Uh, Dan?” Chris’s voice rang out. Dan and Pinkie turned, Pinkie’s eyes lightening up like a Disney end of the night fireworks display and parade as Dan’s face contorted in confusion. Chris walked up wearing nothing but tight red shorts held up by two red suspenders pinned with golden buttons, a yellow bow tie, yellow boots, and a black mouse ears hat. “What the hell happened to you!?” Dan cried. Chris shook his head. “Elise’s idea… Don’t ask… Anyway, what I think Pinkie means is that Walt Disney is already dead!” “Oh!” Dan said. “You mean…” Chris and Pinkie nodded. “Yes!” “Someone already snuck in and killed Walt Disney before I had a chance to wreak my sweet and terrible vengeance!” Chris and Pinkie sighed and shook their heads. “No…” “Well, ironically enough,” Dan continued, either not hearing or ignoring the other two present, “we’ll just have to solve this mystery and take vengeance on the person who murdered Walt Disney!” Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens. “Muuuuuuurdeeeeereeeeeerrrrrr!” Dan Vs. Walt Disney’s Murderer Pinkie glanced upwards in annoyance before a thoughtful look came over her. “You know, a murder mystery might be fun.” “There! You see!” Dan said. Chris chewed on this thought for a moment. “Dan, you wouldn’t happen to know when Walt Disney was born, do you?” Dan shrugged. “Sure… He was born December 5th, 1901.” Dan frowned. “How does that help us find the murderer?” “Just… bear with me here.” “Dan can’t!” Pinkie piped up. “He’s not part Canadian!” “She’s got you there, Chris!” Dan said. Chris rose his fingertips to his forehead. “Okay… Walt Disney was born in 1901… and the average life expectancy is…?” “76.4 years for men in America,” Dan answered, “81.2 years for women. How does this matter?!” “Okay, so if Mr. Disney was still alive, he’d be…” “Oh, who keeps track of what year it is!?” Dan spat out. Chris groaned. “Oh my gosh, guys!” Elise cried out exuberantly as she ran up wearing a full silver gown and five-point silver tiara tipped with sparkling clear jewels. “This is such a dream come true!” Pinkie inhaled a huge volume of air. “Elise! You look just like a princess!” “I feel just like a princess!” Elise cried mirthfully. She glanced up. “I even found this beautiful diamond tiara!” “That’s MY tiara!” a young girl’s voice shouted out. “No one cares, you little brat!” Elise fired back. Everyone paused and stared at Elise for a moment. “Yanno what?” Dan said. “I think I’m good, just watching Elise run around to relive the childhood she never had and cause mayhem across the park is all the vengeance I need.” Elise Vs. Wasted, Empty Childhood Pinkie glared up into the air. “Enough already!” she shrieked. “Geez! It’s like you’ve never heard of the rule of three!” She shook her head. “This is just like that dumb ‘turned into a pony and trying to talk to Twilight through the mirror’ chapter…” Pinkie Pie Vs. Not Recognizing Good Comedy When She’s at The Exact Epicenter of It All Pinkie’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits and she pointed skywards. “Hey! Don’t make me come up there! I’ll do it! You know I will!” Dumb, Obnoxious, Whiney Baby-Girl Vs. Talented and Handsome Author “That’s it!” Pinkie said as she threw both hands into the air. “Just remember you’ve brought this on yourself!” she said as she leapt into the air, grabbed the bottom of the ‘s’ and looped her other hand around the bottom of the ‘o’ to ‘Handsome’ and began climbing up the letters, up and over ‘Whiney’ until she was OW! OW! OW! What the hell, Pinkie?! Pinkie pulled back her fist for another punch. “And this is for everything you put us through in the seventh arc!” ‘POW!’ FRICKIN’ OUCH, DUDE! But you ended up together with DAN finally in that arc! “But it took for freakin’ EVER!” Pinkie cried as she pulled her fist back in again and threw it forward right into her own chin. “OUCHIES! What the…” Pinkie began pulling back both her first and then propelling them forward into her own face again and again. “OW! STOP”—POW—“OWIE! IT!” HAHAHA! You may have amazing, world-altering powers, but here, I AM GO— A boxing glove on an extending mechanical arm suddenly thrust forward out of Pinkie-OW! What?! How the heck did I not see that coming?! “Don’t look at me!” Pinkie said with a shrug. “You’re the one writing all of this.” Meanwhile, back in the real story. Chris boggled vacantly at the shenanigans that had completely and utterly destroyed his perception of the world and already strained grip on what he thought was reality, not helped by the fact that his wife was riding in the nearby teacups screaming “Wheeeeee!” at the top of her lungs in a manner that could only coincide with decades of repressed childhood dreams finally bubbling to the surface. He felt a gentle pat on his back. “Hey, buddy,” Dan said. “Let’s get you to a cotton candy machine you can stick your head inside.” Chris took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, please…”