They call it “Celestia’s School for Special Foals”. They don’t call it a “looney bin”, they don’t call it a “nut house” and they certainly don’t call it an “asylum”. I’m still not allowed to leave though. They said I needed help. Maybe they’re right. I did a lot of bad things. Really bad things.
Ponies love to tell you it’s what’s on the inside that counts. That’s an easy thing for a pony to say. For a changeling what’s on the inside IS what’s on the outside, unless you want to pretend to be something you’re not. And it’s really easy to pretend to be something you’re not. That’s how I got here. I was pretending to be something sweet, and something innocent, and something good because I wanted two really important ponies to love me.
And after a while I forgot that I was pretending and I almost thought I really was that filly. And I believed that right on up until they were both gone. That’s when I saw who I really was, when I wasn’t trying to trick anypony into loving me because the ponies I wanted to love me were already gone. I found out that past that lie there wasn’t anything inside but a monster. And… I looked at that monster in the mirror and I smiled.
I tried to tell myself at the time that I was protecting and helping ponies just like mom told me I should, but the things I did… it hurts to remember her now. She was always so cheerful, but sad, somehow at the same time. She saw the monster that I was, but she believed in me anyway. She believed that deep down inside I was good. But in the end it turned out I was only pretending to make her love me. Because as soon as she was gone, I proved her wrong.
It’s hard to get news here, but I heard that Sketch is in “protective custody”. I was told she has a “professional friend” and she’s doing fine. That makes me happy. I tried to take the fall for the Plates, but Sketch just couldn’t live with herself. The teachers tell me it’s not my fault, Sketch I mean. They say that she was the adult, but she was the one following me, and that makes it my fault, right? I don’t know what happened to Moth, or Shadefire, but Rock Steady comes around to visit me and Thirteen… mostly Thirteen, but that’s alright. Thirteen’s here too of course. They couldn’t very well just let her run loose. No more than they could me, really. Z comes around a couple of times a week. She say’s Facehugger is huge. Chitin’s nicknamed her “thunder-grub”. Are they a thing now? I don’t know how I feel about that. And they’re both… converted. And I don’t like that.
It’s not that I have anything against the idea of it, anymore… I just hate the idea that Z thought she had to change herself so much to make ponies like her. Or maybe I’m just jealous because when she became what she was on the inside it wasn’t a monster. The stupid cap on my tail is chafing again. I hate it here.
Nopony will tell me anything about what happened to Night Shift. Or even if there’s anything to tell. The rest of my sister’s rejoined Thorax's hive. I don’t know what happened to the Canterlot hive. If I even ask I’m pretty pointedly told that’s not something I should worry about. You try to stage one little coup. Sheesh. I just want to know if my old home is still there. Obviously I haven’t heard from Fast Change since… what happened. I’m not ready to talk about that yet.
Mostly it’s just a daily grind. Wake up eat breakfast . Go to class. Daily Activity. Lunch. Go to class. Visiting hours. Dinner. Day room time. Sleep. It’s like clockwork… at least I assume. They don’t keep clocks where we can see them. If I ask what time it is, they tell me how long it is until the next point in the schedule. Rinse and repeat.
There are other students of course. Alice in particular. She’s an earth pony who fell through a mirror from the human world… or one of them anyway. She’s been here for a while. The teacher’s all think she’s crazy as hell, and she really is, but it’s not like there AREN’T mirror portals to human worlds. And she does seem to know a lot about human-world-stuff. She’s a couple of years older than me and Thirteen. We get along. She say’s Thirteen reminds her of a cat she used to know. Like I said, crazy as hell.
Having my magic blocked is a bitch and a half. I wish I’d paid more attention now when mom used to try to teach me and Z how to do things like an earth pony. I’m just no good with my hooves. I’m even blocked from feeding, outside of mealtimes. The school has a couple of donated pods, and the staff take turns volunteering time to keep me and Thirteen fed. We’re the only two changelings here, of course.
Most of the ponies are unicorns, besides Alice. There’s a few pegasi, and even a lunar, but she’s the only Earth pony. There aren’t any griffons. That makes me wonder what happened to Glenda. Me and her and Indigo used to be so close… before the circus anyway. But I’m not supposed to dwell on that. I’m not supposed to dwell on him. Or everything he took from me. Or what I did to him. Or what I kept doing. I’m not supposed to…
I feel better now. I just had to walk away for a few minutes. I don’t know what writing all this down is going to do, honestly. I don’t know how these classes are supposed to help me. It’s not bad mind you. Thirteen’s actually learning how to read. And that’s good, but it’s not like they’re going to let us go home. For one thing, there’s no home to go to. Surprise and… they're gone. I don’t know if Fast Change even has a hive anymore, but the fact that they won’t even tell me that much tells me I can’t go back there. Not that I really needed to be told.
So I’m here. And I’m writing this journal because the teacher’s said it would help, even though I don’t see how. And every day I just try to sort out how it all came down to this, while everypony lies and tells me it's somehow not my fault.