//------------------------------// // A big fail with Big Mac // Story: Twilight needs to get laid. // by EvilRat //------------------------------// Twilight sat stunned, rereading the letter. Her mind refused to process the information it contained. It seemed surreal. Her mentor, the pony she idolized, telling her to ‘get laid’? Why? Spike sat across from her, with his arms crossed, his mug grin growing every time Twilight reread Celestia’s letter. He’d had to stop himself from rolling onto the floor in a fit of laughter after Twilight had initially read it. After almost an hour of brain lockup, Twilight stood up, her brows furrowed in determination. “If Celestia says I need to do it, then I shall.” Spike started at the announcement, the silence so suddenly broken. “And I will use the magic of friendship to help me!” “Um, you’re going to do what exactly?” Spike asked, hoping that she meant her last statement literally. “I’m sure some of my friends know what I need to do, I’ll just ask them for advice,” Twilight stated, crushing Spike’s and several readers dreams. “Are you sure, I mean most likely some of your friends would help you directly...” Spike ventured hopefully. “What do you mean by that?” Twilight said, naive to what Spike and several readers were trying to tell her. Spike faceclawed, “Nevermind.” Twilight let out a squeak of excitement, jumping into the air as she shouted, “Oh! I know. Rarity would probably be the most knowledgeable about such a topic. Let's go see her first!” “And what's that supposed to mean?” Spike said angrily. Twilight ignored him, turning to the door. “Let’s go Spike.” As she trotted to the door, Spike hopped on her back, both eager to see Rarity and reluctant to hear her talk about other guys. When they arrived, Rarity was busily sewing, numerous piles of fabric situated atop her work station. Twilight, with Spike riding sidesaddle, approached the elegant seamstress at a trot. It wasn’t until they were halfway into the shop that Rarity finally looked up. “Oh darling, what brings you by today?” “I need your help. Princess Celestia has stated that I need to get laid and I thought you would be the best pony to help me.” Twilight said, moving to stand direction in front of Rarity’s table, her eyes brimming with enthusiasm. “Um... You need to get ‘laid’ and you want me to help?” Rarity questioned, stepping back from Twilight while searching for a quick escape route incase what she thought Twilight meant was true. “Yes, I figured you would know the best way to pick up a stallion so I could get laid.” Rarity froze, blinking. Was her friend calling her a slut? “Excuse me, Twilight, but I’m a lady and I don’t just go out picking up stallions for a quick fling.” “No, no, no, I didn’t mean that. I just meant you might know what to do so I can complete Celestia’s lesson.” Twilight said, oblivious to what Rarity was saying. “Celestia’s seriously put you up to this?” Rarity was confused. She had thought for years that Twilight needed to lighten up, and sex would certainly help her do so, but for the princess herself to order her to do it... That was unthinkable. Although, the more she thought about it... “Yes, I have the letter right here.” Twilight pulled the letter out of her mane and showed it to Rarity. Rarity read the letter. It was short, blunt, and seemed to be written as if the author was extremely aggravated. “Well, I can give you pointers, but I’ve never had quite your current intentions. I usually go looking for something a bit more long term.” Spike perked up, taking out his own quill and parchment. “Please go on.” “Oh, I don’t need a long term relationship. I just need to get laid so I can complete what I’m sure is an important lesson,” Twilight stated, ignoring Spike as he got ready to take notes. Rarity cleared her throat and began speaking. “Well, in my experience it's always a good idea to compliment a stallion. Ask him questions and then let him talk about himself. You can learn more about him and use what you learn to connect with him. And once you connect with him, asking him to spend some private time with you is much easier.” Twilight listened intently, committing her every word to memory. Spike, on the other hoof, was busy writing down her every word, hoping to use it later. When she noticed the dragon writing, she happily took the notes from him. “Thanks, Spike, I can study this before I get started.” Spike deflated a bit when his notes were stolen, but did his best to memorize the information. “Twilight, I know you’re trying to get a stallion, but have you ever considered—” Rarity was cut off as Twilight quickly left the boutique in a determined trot, Spike hopping off her back and turning to her. “So Rarity, would you care to talk for a little while.” Twilight was deep in thought as she trotted. She had to choose wisely. She needed a stallion with intelligence, yet strong enough for an alicorn. She suddenly realized she was trotting toward Sweet Apple Acres, and living there was the most eligible stallion in all of Ponyville. Yes, Big Macintosh was the perfect stallion for the job. He was smart, and most certainly strong, and as far as she knew, unattached. She looked around and quickly located the red stallion. He was busily bucking apples, as per the usual. She did her best to strut over to him, swaying her hips in what she thought was an alluring way. Big Mac kicked the tree behind him, letting the apples fall into the baskets he had carefully placed around it. In the corner of his eye, he saw Twilight walking toward him, looking like she had a sprained ankle. He wondered if she needed help, since she was limping so badly. As Twilight approached, she drew on all her knowledge of what was considered sexy in a mare (which all came from trashy romance novels), and spoke to Mac. “Hi there, would you like to come to my castle so you can open me like a book and spend all night buried in me.” Big Mac just stood there, dumbstruck. Sure, mares hit on him a lot, but no one had ever came out this blatantly and asked for sex. That, coupled with the horrible way she was blinking like she had eyes full of sand, was causing him to want to run away as fast as he could. “Um, could you repeat that?” he asked, hoping he had heard her wrong and this was all just a big misunderstanding. "I like my Stallions how I like my book on Applied Theoretical Magic: Resonance on Ley Lines—Long Hard(cover) and Thick. And I can see you fit on both counts,” Twilight said, batting her eyelashes in what to her mind must be rather seductive. Big Mac backed away, his simple life flashing before his eyes as the crazed mare slunk towards him. “Um, I have to go help Granny with... something.” At that last word, he ran away from whatever creature had taken over Twilight’s mind as quickly as he could. Twilight stared at the dust trail that remained from Big Mac’s departure. She couldn’t tell what she did wrong. She thought about the entire encounter and was sure she did everything they did in her books (again, trashy romance novels). She shook her head in frustration. There was no way it was something she did—Big Mac must just not be in the mood for it. She walked away, thinking about what to do next. She decided since she was here, she could ask Applejack for advice. She walked onward to the farmhouse to try to find her friend.