“Good Morning, Ms. Cheerilee,” the class chorused.
The teacher smiled at her class. She especially made sure to smile at the four boys in the back of the room. Today was their first day of school in Equestria, and boy, did she have a treat for them!
“Good morning, class. I hope you brought your thinking caps, because today we’re going to learn about physics.”
For a moment the children were silent until one of the human boys raised his hand and asked, “Um, Ms. Cheerilee, what’s a physic?”
“An excellent question, Stan. It is the use of force in energy conversions. In this case, using mechanical work to convert potential energy into kinetic energy.”
“Ah man, freakin weak,” said the fat human child in the back. To Cheerilee’s surprise, he didn’t even try to muffle his voice like most of her other students would.
Raising her hoof, Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “Ms. Cheerilee, that seems a bit over our heads.”
“Yeah,” agreed Kyle. “Why the heck do we need to know this stuff? I barely know what gravity is.”
“Oh, this is a very important subject. You will need all the knowledge you can get for tomorrow.”
The child in the large orange coat that covered his mouth mumbled something.
“Could you say that again, Kenny?” asked Ms. Cheerilee.
“He said, ‘what happens tomorrow?’” declared Stan.
The teacher smiled. “You all will be participating in . . .” Ms. Cheerilee flipped her chalkboard around. On it was an exploded diagram of a wooden cart. “. . . the Apple One Derby.”
Upon hearing this, the class erupted into cheers.
“Ah, kick ass!” yelled Cartman. The class gasped when they heard the swear word. “Um, I mean, sweet. Super sweet. Please continue, Ms. Cheerilee. You have my undivided attention.”
Ms. Cheerilee glared at the child and made a mental note to remind Cartman about her policy about saying bad words in school. “Now hold onto your horseshoes, everypony. You’ve got a lot of work to do before you’re ready to race.”
Stan raised his hand. “Uh, not actual school work though, right?”
The teacher rolled her eyes. “Each of you will be given a block of wood at Sweet Apple Acres tomorrow. And you’ll have twenty-four hours to turn it into a race ready cart.” And with that, Cheerilee pulled down a blue print on how to turn a huge chunk of wood into a go-cart using old-fashioned tools.
The class let out a collective moan.
“Jeez, dude. This could take weeks. How are we supposed to build a cart out of a tree in a day?” asked Stan.
“Don’t worry, Stan,” said Cartman. “Kyle’s a Jew. He’s good with making things out of wood, especially crosses. Why I bet if we told him Jesus was coming tomorrow, he’d cut down a tree and work all night to turn it into a crucifix.”
“Screw you, fat ass,” shouted Kyle.
Kenny angrily mumbled something.
“Yeah, Cartman, shut the hell up,” said Stan.
Again, the class was stunned at the use of so many swear words.
“Boys!” yelled Cheerilee. “That’s enough! I want all four of you to see me after class.”
Kenny garbled something from underneath his jacket and pointed at himself.
“Yes, you too, Kenny.” After taking a calming breath, the teacher continued from where she left off. “Each of you will get to pick an older pony to help you. But choose wisely, because they will also be riding with you in the cart during the race.”
The foals chattered amongst themselves excitedly at this announcement.
“Just remember, everypony. Your cart must finish the race to win one of these three awards.” Walking behind her desk, the teacher pulled out a case containing three ribbons for fastest, most traditional, and most creative.
Cartman’s eyes grew wide with wonder as he gazed at the prizes. He daydreamed crossing the finish line with the biggest, fastest, most traditional and creative cart imaginable while everyone else looked on in envy as he took all three ribbons. He then imagined taking his juggernaut of a vehicle and destroying all of Equestria with it as the ponies looked on in horror. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You’re next, you fu*#ing horse fa#$ots. Who wants to die first?”
“Cartman. Cartman wake up.”
The fat human child stirred in his desk. “What, what happened?”
“You fell asleep during the physics lecture. Come on, the bell just rang, and Ms. Cheerilee wants to talk to us,” said Stan.
The quartet of children gathered around Ms. Cheerilee’s desk. The teacher glared at each of the boys, especially Cartman.
“Did you enjoy your nap, Eric?” she asked.
“Uh, yes, ma’am. But don’t worry. I listened to every word you said about pig tits.”
“You mean physics?” corrected the teacher.
“Why the hell are you asking me? If you don’t know how to pronounce the word, how am I supposed to?” Cartman shot back.
“Damn it, Cartman,” shouted Kyle. “The word is pronounced physics. If you were paying attention, you’d know that.”
“That’s enough!” shouted Cheerilee. “I don’t know how things are done in South Park, but here in Ponyville we do not use swear words in class. If I hear anymore of your foul language, I will notify your parents, and you’ll be on the first train back home. Is that clear?”
Kyle gulped. “Yes, ma’am. It won’t happen again.”
Stan nodded. “We’re sorry, Ms. Cheerilee.”
“Dude, you’re such a pussy,” whispered Cartman.
“What did you say, Eric?” asked the teacher.
“I said I’m sorry. Jeez.”
Kenny for his part reached up to the pony’s desk and put a beautiful apple in the middle of Cheerilee’s planner. Carved into the skin of the fresh fruit were the words “Best, Teacher, Ever.”
The earth pony smiled at the boy. “Why thank you very much, Kenny.”
Kenny blushed and retook his position next to his friends.
The gift had a calming effect on the teacher as she continued to speak. “There is something else I want to talk to you boys about. You four will be on the same team when you go to participate in the Apple One Derby. This means all four of you will be working on the same cart. It’s not fair for any of you to be separated and have to work with ponies you’re not familiar with on this large of a project.”
“Ah, man,” replied Stan, disappointed.
Eric began to rub his hands together in anticipation. “Hmm, with these three extra drones at my command, I can easily complete the b.f.c. The big f--”
“You know we can all hear you, right?” asked Kyle.
At that moment Kenny murmured something from underneath his coat.
The teacher gave the boy a strange look. “Kenny, it would help me to understand you better if you’d just remove your coat. It’s not that cold in here.”
The child looked away shyly.
Cheerilee sighed. “Stan, what did he say?”
“He asked if you were going to help us build the cart.”
The earth pony shook her head. “As much as I would love to help you boys, it wouldn’t be fair to the other students. Therefore, I’ve chosen somepony for you.”
Cartman smiled sweetly. “Ah Ms. Cheerilee, you didn’t have to do that. My friends and I don’t need supervision to build one, sweet, little, wooden, derby cart. All four of us passed the arts and crafts class back in South Park with only minor injuries. In fact, I promise you right here that none of us will do anything unsafe. How’s that?”
The earth pony smiled sweetly at the fat human and said, “Not a chance. I’ve asked Fluttershy to watch over you boys while you build the cart, and she will ride in it with you, too.”
Stan frowned. “Who’s Fluttershy?”
“Follow me.”
The four boys followed their teacher out of the school house, and there waiting for them was a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. The pony was looking up at the sky watching a flock of birds lazily glide by.
“Boys,” said the teacher. “This is Fluttershy.”
The announcement startled the pegasus. After letting out a terrified yelp, the pony dove headfirst into some nearby bushes.
Kyle looked up at Ms. Cheerilee. “What’s her problem?”
“Oh, nothing. She’s always been a bit . . . skittish.”
“Is that it? I thought she had Tourettes,” ventured Cartman.
The teacher glared at the child. “That is not funny, Eric.”
“I know, right? Tourettes is no joke. Thank God she doesn’t have it. I had a dog named Port, and he had Tourettes. He liked to run in the middle of the street before a car took his left legs off. Then we renamed him Starboard because he could only hop in a clockwise circle.” As Cartman spoke, he tried to keep himself from laughing, but the more he talked, the more he laughed. “It’s a true story. Swear to God. Oh Jeez, you should of seen him, guys. I wish I would have taped that.”
Everyone just stared at Eric. “Cartman, in the name of everything that is good and decent, could you act like a normal person for five minutes?” asked Kyle.
Before Eric could reply, the pony that had been cowering in the bushes bolted out of her hiding place. The pegasus galloped right up to the startled boys and closely examined each one of them. With a loving smile on her face, Fluttershy proclaimed, “Awww, Ms. Cheerilee. They’re so cute, especially this little guy.” The pony began to tickle the coated boy underneath the chin. This caused Kenny to sag to the ground in absolute bliss.
“Are these the four humans you want me to watch tomorrow?”
“Naw, these are the three humans and one dirty J-- . . .” Cartman’s sentence was cut short by a sharp elbow to the gut from the Marsh boy. Cheerilee saw the whole thing but decided she didn’t.
“Yes, Fluttershy, these are the ones. Could I talk to you in private for a moment?”
“Of course,” replied the pegasus.
Turning to the humans, the earth pony said, “Just stay right there, boys. This will only be a minute.”
Cartman clutched at his stomach and muttered, “You guys. We need to go to the hospital.”
Stan rolled his eyes, “Oh come on, dude. I didn’t hit ya that hard.”
“No, I’m not hurt. You elbow like a bitch.” Eric winced as he took a step forward, his hands covering his gut. “I got a plan to win the derby tomorrow.”
“What’d you have in mind, fat ass?” asked Kyle.
The boys listened to Cartman’s idea until Kyle declared, “That’s the stupidest f*#king plan I’ve ever heard in my life.”
Stan nodded. “Yeah, someone could get hurt.”
Eric scoffed, “Guys, you’re clearly not thinking about the big picture here. Who the hell else has a prize ribbon from another freaking planet? If we just win one of those prizes tomorrow, we could sell the thing for millions of dollars. Does Dale Earnhardt have a prize ribbon from Equestria? Huh? Does Hulk Hogan? Does Tom Cruise?”
Kenny’s muffled voice answered Cartman’s question.
“Moon rocks don’t count, Kenny,” answered Eric.
“Dude, you want us to steal an oxygen bottle from a hospital,” said Stan. “That’s not cool.”
“Okay, Marsh. What’s your idea for a propulsion system? What’s more creative than sticking an oxygen tank in the ass end of a cart and knocking the nozzle off? What’s faster? What’s more old-timey than using oxygen for Christ’s sake?” asked Cartman. “And besides, we could get this thing from a nursing home. It doesn’t have to be a hospital.”
Kyle stomped the ground. “Oh no, you don’t. You’re not doing this again. You’re not going to drag the three of us into another one of your schemes. We’re going to build the safest cart we can tomorrow. If we win, fine; but if we don’t, so what? As long as no one gets hurt, that’s all that really matters.”
Cartman gaped at his friends. “Are you three for real? Okay, forget the glory, forget the prizes, forget the money. Are we Americans?”
The boys blinked. They were caught off guard by the question. They were silent for a moment before Stan said, “Yeah. But what does . . .”
“Exactly,” Cartman said interrupting Stan. “In this land of godless, commie, hippie ponies, we represent the best school, the best country, and by Jesus, the best species ever created. We deserve to win this race. Are you all really too lame to see that? What would George Washington say right now if he saw us not trying our hardest, pulling out all the stops to bring glory to our nation?” Eric paused to let what he just said sink in. “You guys, we have been chosen to represent the United States of America in this derby. If we don’t win at least one of those prizes, the ponies will think that our country is weak and pathetic. If we come home defeated, then our nation’s shame will be written into Equestrian history books for all time. Are you prepared to bring that kind of dishonor to America, gentlemen?”
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny looked at each other uneasily but did not speak.
When no one answered him, Cartman turned to leave. “You three sicken me.”
Kyle sighed, “Wait.”
Cartman stopped leaving. No one could see his face, but an evil smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Yes, Kyle?”
“You could be right about this being a bigger deal than just a race. I mean, we don’t want to come off looking like a bunch of losers, right?”
Stan shook his head, a look of determination on his face. “No. I mean, we need some sort of edge if we even want a prayer at winning. This oxygen tank may not be a bad idea after all, since everyone else is super strong, can fly, or use magic.”
“My thoughts exactly,” said Eric.
At this time Cheerilee and Fluttershy exited the school house.
“Now boys, I want you all to give Fluttershy your undivided attention tomorrow,” commanded the teacher. “She was the first and only volunteer to supervise you in making the derby car. She is a very good friend of mine, and I will be very cross if I get a bad report from her.”
The pegasus blushed at the earth pony’s kind words.
Cheerilee looked up at the sun. “Well, I think I’ve kept you all long enough. Do you boys know where the Apple Farm is?”
Kenny pointed to the road behind him and said something that sounded like he was talking underneath a rock.
The teacher nodded, “Yes Kenny, it’s that way. Good job.”
The boy closed his eyes and smiled up at the teacher.
“Well, boys, I’ll see you in the morning.” And with that, the teacher walked away leaving the human boys with Fluttershy.
“So . . . are you a sub or something?” asked Stan.
The pony smiled at the boy. “Well, I do sometimes substitute for Ms. Cheerilee if she is not feeling well. But my passion is in taking care of all the little fuzzy animals, birdies, and critters.”
Cartman sighed in relief. “Oh, thank God. I was wondering where the heck we were going to take Kyle if he got hurt.”
Before Broflovski could smash his fist into Cartman’s face, a little blue bird flew up to Fluttershy’s ear and began chirping away frantically. The pony’s eyes widened. “Oh my, is it that serious?” The bird nodded. Taking in a panicky breath of air, Fluttershy turned to the humans and said, “I’m sorry boys, but I have to go. This little bird’s mother has hurt her wing. Do you four have a place to stay tonight?”
“Yeah, we’re staying at Princess Twilight’s castle,” declared Kyle.
“Great. Tell her I said ‘Hi.’” Fluttershy said hurriedly. “Tomorrow just head towards Sweet Apple Acres, and Ms. Cheerilee will show you to your project area. I’ll see you boys later.
“Uh, sure,” said Stan. “We’ll see ya in the morning.”
Fluttershy was in the air before Marsh could finish his sentence.
Cartman interlaced his fingers and cracked his knuckles. “Okay guys, here’s the plan. Kenny, you go to the hospital and swipe an O2 tank.”
Kenny McCormick asked a garbled question and pointed at his friends.
“Oh, don’t worry about us,” said Eric. “We’ll be at the tree-castle designing the cart.”
Kenny’s face darkened and gestured angrily at Cartman.
“Damn it, Kenny. Do you know how much brain power it takes to design a derby cart from scratch? This is gonna take us all night. You got the easy job. The ponies won’t notice an orange, two-legged freak stalking the hospital. You got nothing to worry about. And besides, we’ll cover for you. We’ll just tell Twilight you’re at a pony sleep over or something gay like that.”
Before leaving, Kenny flipped Cartman the bird and stomped off towards the Ponyville Hospital.
“I’m going with him,” said Kyle.
“No, Kyle. I can’t let you do it. If we lose Kenny that’s a shame, but if we lose Kenny and you, then all I got is Stan, and Stan can’t do $h&t with wood. We’ll need your crazy Jew wood magic for tomorrow.”
Early the Next Morning
Eric wiped the sweat out of his eyes. “Jesus Christ, this is taking forever.” Using a non-electrical hand drill, the boy bore into the side of the large block of wood. “Wheels are so overrated. Can’t we just glue a pair of skies on or something? We can be like those black guys in Cool Runnings.” Cartman then began to sing.
“Nuff people say they know they can’t believe
Jamaica we have a bobsled team”
From the other side of the block Kyle grunted, “There’s no snow here, dummy. And do you even know what glue is made of?”
Using identical tools, Kyle and Stan drilled the other holes for the cart’s wheels.
“Yeah, bits of horse. What’s your point?” asked Eric. “This freakin place is crawling with ponies. The princesses should at least take the convicts, homeless, and cripples and turn them into paste. I see nothing wrong with this. Everyone wins.”
As Cartman talked, Stan looked up at the rising sun and started. “Ah crap, Cartman actually has a point.”
“See? Even Marsh is agreeing with me. The less ponies the better. White pow--, I mean Human power!”
“No. I mean there’s three of us; five if Kenny and Fluttershy ever get their butts over here. Are all of us supposed to ride on this thing? If we do, we’re going to have to change the design. None of us thought about that. On top of that, we’ve been at this for two hours, and we haven’t even gotten the wheels on yet. We’re screwed.”
“Excuse me, boys!” screamed a pony from above them.
All three of the human children dropped their tools and took cover. Peeking from in-between his fingers, Kyle looked up and saw Fluttershy staring down at them with an embarrassed/concerned look on her face.
“Oh my, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to shout so loud, but I’ve been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes.”
Kyle sighed in relief and climbed back up to his feet. “Next time just tap our shoulders, okay?”
“Got it.” The pony looked at all three of the humans. “Where’s Kenny?”
Before Kyle could answer her, Cartman said, “He’s bringing us breakfast and an oxygen tank.”
Kyle facepalmed.
“Why is he bringing an oxygen tank?”
“Uh, so he can blow up balloons and talk funny?” Ventured Cartman.
“Oh, you mean he’s bringing a helium tank to help with the decorations,” said the pony happily. “That’s very nice of Pinkie to let him help with the after-race party. Usually she’s very serious when it comes to parties and doesn’t let anypony help.”
“Yeeaaah, that’s what we thought, too,” Stan said slowly.
“How’s the cart coming . . . Oh my.” The pegasus turned her attention to the block. She cringed as she said, “Um, that’s a very good start, boys. Would you like some help?”
“No!” shouted Eric. He climbed up on the block of wood being held up by sawhorses and began shouting. “This is a human derby-cart, made with human hands, and designed by human ingenuity. We will not . . .” At that point the block of wood broke in half under Cartman’s weight.
“God damn it, Cartman,” whispered Kyle.
Fluttershy was the first to his side. “Oh, my gosh. Are you okay, Eric?”
The fat human looked at the broken pieces of wood and said, “You know what? Screw it, we’re done. Our Jew can’t warp wood, Kenny is A.W.O.L, and Stan didn’t freaking catch the big fat crack in the car’s foundation. It’s hopeless. We’re done. Tell the groundhogs to bring me my mail because I will die of this shame.”
Stan rolled his eyes, but he too looked defeated. “Fluttershy, we’re too far out of our league. We didn’t even have a chance before Cartman broke our block of wood.”
Fluttershy smiled at the tired children. “Now don’t get too discouraged. Ms. Cheerilee said that you four might need some help. And we have spare wood blocks just in case. Now tell me what you guys were trying to do.”
Stan shrugged and dug into his jean’s pocket. He pulled out a rough doodle of an enormous cart complete with missile launchers, laser guided machine guns, and hydraulic arms wielding axes.
The pony pressed her lips together. “This is uh, different. I think we can make a smaller version of this without all the pointy, blowy-up stuff. Would you three mind if my friends and I helped?” Fluttershy asked carefully. “Not that you guys weren’t doing a bad job or anything.”
Kyle looked at the pegasus in wonder. “No, we’ll take all the help we can get. But do you really think we can do this?”
“I know we can.” With that, Fluttershy put a hoof to her lips and whistled. Within moments an army of squirrels, beavers, woodchucks, bears, any animal that could shape wood descended upon the boy’s work area.
“Holy crap!” exclaimed Stan.
Cartman’s eyes lit up. “Oh. My. God. You guys, nothing can stop us now.”