Ain't That a Kick in the Head

by cyberlord4444

The House Always Wins

War, war never changes.

A year ago, the NCR and Caesar's Legion fought over Hoover Dam, and the resources it controlled. However, it's conclusion wasn't decided by greater numbers or superior strategy, but by the efforts of a single man, a Courier for the Mojave Express.

This Courier was brought into this conflict by nothing more than a delivery, a platinum chip bound for New Vegas. However, he was intercepted, the chip stolen, and shot in the head and left for dead. However, this particular Courier had a reputation for getting the job done no matter the obstacle, and was about to add 'getting shot in the head' to his resume. In his quest to complete the delivery, he found himself in the middle of a three-way brawl for the New Vegas strip.

The New California Republic, a burgeoning new government trying to establish a foothold in the Mojave. Their hearts were in the right place, but the higher-ups felt that securing the dam was more important than the safety of the citizens who lived there.

Caesar's Legion, a group of fanatical militaristic slavers based on ancient Rome. They had cut a bloody swath on their way west, stopping only when the NCR proved more formidable than the 52 previous tribes they had conquered.

And finally, the enigmatic Mr. House, the ruler of New Vegas. The only thing the common man knows about him is that his rule of the strip is unquestioned, primarily due to his army of Securitron combat robots.

However, the Courier soon became well acquainted with Mr. House, as it was him who commissioned the Mojave Express to recover the chip, and his traitorous protégé Benny who waylaid him. Mr. House made the Courier an offer, become his new protégé and complete Mr. House's plan to take complete control of the Mojave.

The Courier refused.

Mr. House couldn't be trusted with the best interests of the people, and was debatably insane. He flat out ignored the outer district of Freeside, leaving it to rot, and his response when the Vault that kept the people of Vegas safe when the bombs fell opened, he ordered it filled with concrete to force the inhabitants to leave and live in his city. His only concern was to bring the Strip to it's former glory, caring little for those outside of it.

Caesar's Legion wasn't much better. While Caesar himself did concern himself with his people, albeit in his own way, when he died the Legion would either implode as various factions attempted to take control, killing countless civilians in the process, or violently explode, bringing death and slavery to countless more without that, admittedly skewed, morals of it's leader.

The NCR, while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, was the best option of the Mojave. Most of the resources the NCR had in the area were tied up fighting the Legion, which meant that when they were gone the NCR could turn it's attention to bringing peace to the Mojave.

And so, the Courier did what he could. He made alliances, from the xenophobic Boomers to the Brotherhood of Steel. He went to the three families that handled the day to day operations of the strip, the Omertas, the Chairmen, and the White Glove Society, and gained their support. He gathered allies, from a morose sniper to an idealistic Brotherhood Scribe.

And when the battle for Hoover Dam began, the Courier called in his chips, and the NCR won.

In gratitude, the NCR made him the governor of the Mojave, and the Courier did his best.

The Lucky 38 casino, once the private citadel of Mr. House, who's doors never opened, became the most popular casino on the Strip, as well as the new headquarters of the Mojave Express.

Freeside was placed under the oversight of the Kings, who had done their best to keep order during House's rule, and the people prospered.

Mr. House's Secruitrons were sent out to the far corners of the Mojave, to root out Raider nests and guard caravans that traveled through the desert.

And when the Courier grew restless, he found himself sucked into new challenges, from the ghosts of the Sierra Madre to the mysteries of Big Mountain.

And through it all, the Courier never left a job unfinished.

War never changes, but sometimes, if only for a moment, it stops.

The Courier looked out at New Vegas from his penthouse suite. For some reason, his forehead scar was itching, although that normally only happened when trouble was brewing. His job was to keep the Mojave safe, and intended to keep it that way.

"Excuse me sir, but your friends are gathered on the main floor," said a voice from behind him.

The Courier turned to see a Securitron with a smiling face on it's monitor, and returned it with a grin of his own, "Thank you Yes Man."

Yes Man was originally hacked by Benny in order for him to take over the Strip, but an error in his programing allowed the Courier to be able to use Yes Man as well. After being made Governor, he kept Yes Man around to help out, after having his programming fixed of course. As the courier took the elevator down, he grinned at himself as he prepared to meet his friends. When the doors opened, instead of the normally dozens of people who would have filled the casino floor, there were only 4.

"Good to see ya Jack," said Rose, a blonde haired woman wearing a duster and a Stetson.

"So that's what my name was," Jack chuckled, "I've had people calling me 'governor' or 'Courier' for so long I almost forgot it."

"I know how that feels like," said Boone, a fit man wearing sunglasses and a red beret, "spend too long being called by your call sign and you get startled when you're called anything else."

"Well, at least he didn't forget us," said Veronica, a young woman wearing a brown robe.

"I suppose reserving your own casino for a get together isn't too much trouble," said Arcade, a balding man in a lab coat.

Jack smiled, these 4, as well as a few others that he'd invited but were unable to attend, stood by his side during his adventures through the Mojave, and were his friends.

However, before they could exchange further pleasantries, the blast doors of the Lucky 38 started to close.

"You doing that boss?" asked Boone.

"I wanted some privacy for us, but I didn't go that far," Jack replied before turning to Yes Man, "could you open that please?"

"I'm sorry sir, but the door controls have been locked down," Yes Man replied cheerfully.

"On who's authority," asked Jack.

"It appears that the lockdown was ordered by Mr. House," Yes Man Cheerfully replied, "although that doesn't seem likely, seeing how you killed him and all."

Before Jack could respond, Yes Man's monitor flickered for a few seconds, before the face changed to that of a bearded man, a face that also appeared on every monitor they could see.

"Mr. House," Jack snarled.

"I don't know who you are," Mr. House's voice emanated from every speaker within hearing range, "or if you're even watching this, but if you are, precisely 1 year ago, you made a deadly mistake, you killed me. As I speak, a curious device in the Lucky 38 is charging, a failed experiment from before the war. It was originally designed as a teleportation device, but it was scrapped since none of the test versions were ever found again. If you're outside of the Lucky 38, prepare to watch as everything you stole from me vanishes, I do hope you'll be able to see it. If you're still inside, I suppose I'll have to settle for simply killing you."

As the face of Mr. House disappeared and was replaced by Yes Man, everyone else made for the door, trying to pry it open.

"Can you get control back?" Jack asked Yes Man.

"Of course," Yes Man cheerfully replied, "although based on my calculations, I'll be finished approximately 1 minute after the device Mr. House mentioned has activated, looks like Mr. House is pretty clever huh?"

Jack sighed, "Activate the PA system."

"Yes sir."

Jack cleared his throat, "Citizens of the Strip, it appears that Mr. House is more of a sore loser than I thought. As I am currently inside the Lucky 38, I must request that the NCR sends a new governor as soon as possible. To the Four Families, keep order until my replacement arrives. I know I'm the only reason you tolerate the NCR, but please, treat my replacement with the same respect you gave me."

As Jack motioned for Yes Man to end the transmission, Boone walked up next to him, "Never thought this would be how I get my ticket punched."

"Me neither," Jack replied, "Yes Man."

"Yes sir?"

"Ain't that a kick in the head."

"Yes sir," Yes Man cheerfully replied as music started to play.

"Job's done," Jack said, before singing along, "tell me quick, ain't that a kick, in the head."

With that, the song played it's final notes, and then there was a flash of light, then nothing.

[Equestria, Canterlot Castle]
Twilight Sparkle and the rest of her friends exited the Castle, shiny new medals around their necks. "Finally... facing those nobles was harder than dealing with Discord."

"For some ponies, maybe," replied Rarity.

"Hey Twilight?" asked Pinkie.

"Yes Pinkie?"

"When we beat Discord, all the stuff he did went away right?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering who we needed to blast with the orbital friendship cannon to get rid of that thing," Pinkie said before pointing in the distance.

"Get rid of wha..." Twilight started, before looking in the direction she was pointing. On the outskirts of Ponyville was a massive tower that she was reasonably certain wasn't there the last time she looked. At it's base was a brightly colored sign that said 'Lucky 38'.

"How the buck did I not see that?"