Later that night, after you stumbled home, concerned passers-by offering assistance only to receive slurred cursing with half-hearted waves of dismissal with your hands, you pass out, but wake up several hours into the night.
Your head is killing you, and it appears you've emptied your stomach on the bed and floor in your room.
You sit up and groan, rubbing your head gingerly. "Ugh... free booze comes with a catch..."
Still fully dressed, you slip clumsily out of your pants and shirt, tossing them aside, and stand up to use the restroom. As you do this, you apparently step just right onto a puddle of vomit and slip, falling onto the wooden floor with a heavy thud.
"Ow! Son of a bitch!"
You get up and throw a fit, kicking the bed and stubbing your toe. "Ow, dammit!" You collapse on the bed, rolling around in agony until the pain subsides.
You get up a second time, limping out into the hall towards the bathroom, where you nearly fill the toilet with stomach acid and any remaining booze in your system.
"Geesh..." You flush and wander back down the hall to your sparsely stocked kitchen. There was a nagging, dull ache in your stomach, signaling that you needed to eat. Opening the fridge only made things worse. The only meat available in Equestria was fish, which got old within weeks of being teleported here from that damn PlayStation VR game. No bacon, no beef, and no chicken. God, how were you even alive still? What human can withstand lack of bacon?
You close it and sigh unhappily, going to the cabinets to grab some peanut butter and jelly to make a few sandwiches.
While you did this, thoughts about earlier crept into your mind.
It was apparent by the same two comments made about how you should have someone how lonely you are. You've been in this land, in this world, for almost a year now. That's a long time to be without company. And although you've hung out with some of the ponies here, it never amounted to much.
You finish devouring your two sandwiches and head back to your room, still deep in thought.
There had to be something you could do to end your loneliness. And you knew what that was. But you just couldn't do it.
Dating a pony just didn't really appeal to you in any sense. But as you'd concluded the other day, they were the only true options. No other sentient beings here that were any better.
Leaving the puke on the floor because you were lazy and tired, but mostly lazy, you crawl into bed like a pathetic worm.
If you were going to date a pony, you were going to date a really good one. But which pony in this vast land was best, especially for you? You've never gotten to know anypony in particular. Except...
Except the Elements of Harmony.
Squirming around under the covers, you realize that they were truly the only ponies you actually liked, if even a little. They were kind of cool. And to be honest with yourself: they were very likeable, even for ponies.
Much to your chagrin, you also realize you might even find them... slightly attractive. You shiver violently at that thought.
Now that you've pretty much decided upon the Element Bearers, which one? There were six. All with fairly decent personalities. How were you ever to pick just one?
Hmm...
The only way to determine which of them was best for you was to date them all. And that's assuming they would all even date you. But there was only one way to find out.
You curl up and pull the pillow over your head. You were done thinking this through. Tomorrow, you'd take action.
You awake the next day with a heavy pounding in your head. You sit up and rub your head gently, thinking that it was your hangover. But you soon realize that it was actually somepony at your door.
Climbing out of bed and tossing your black cargo shorts on, you make your way down the hall to your front door, yawning loudly. Who could this be at 1 pm?
You unlock the door and crack it open, peeking out.
Twilight Sparkle stands there, smiling and waving. "Hey, Anon! Can I have a moment of your time please?"
You open the door the rest of the way. Twilight was one pony you were pretty familiar with. She was always wanting to examine you, do tests, or ask questions about you and your "homeworld". She was pretty, cool, nice, and smart. Good qualities in a girl, right?
You smile back down at the purple princess Alicorn. "Twilight! So good to see you. Won't you come in?" You step aside and wave her into your humble abode.
She nods and trots in. "Thanks. I just came by to see if you'd like to go over some of the test results from the weekend." She stands and watches you close the door, turning back to her.
Twilight was the perfect candidate for the start of your plan. The dorky, intelligent mare was actually kind of cute. But how should you go about asking her out? Just lay the question on her? Dating was new to you, mostly. In the human world, your world, you'd only ever had one date. She costed you $250, but she was great for the 30 minutes you'd known her.
You grin. "Sure! Well, maybe we could discuss this over dinner later?" you ask hopefully.
She was clearly surprised by your reply. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops slightly. "Anon... Are you asking me on a date...?"
You shrug. "Huh. Am I? I guess. Sure." You snatch up a notebook off the coffee table beside you. "So what time, eight?"
She shook her head rapidly. "Whoa, hold on. This is not what I expected." She starts pacing the room. "But this does open new doors for study. Perhaps I can do this. I'll do it," she says, stopping and giving you this adorable, toothy smile.
"So, eight?" you repeat your question, your pen at the ready.
She rolls her eyes. "I suppose that works. Meet me at the café?" she asks, heading for the door.
You stand up after writing down your date time and place and open the door for her like a gentleman. "That sounds like it's going to be a great evening. See you then!"
Before she could say anything else, you close the door in her face and rest your back against it, breathing a sigh of relief. "Well that was easier than I thought." But it wasn't over. You still had to have the date.
That was going to be a whole different ball game.
Standing in the mirror, you examine yourself, fully clad in a nice grey suit and tie that Rarity, another Element bearer, made custom for you. After all, you had to get human clothes somehow. It was just twenty minutes before the date, and you had gotten fully ready so you could be there early.
Looking stylish and stunning as you'll ever be, you spray on some cologne Spike the dragon gave to you and head out for the date.
The sun had just set, so dusk was still hanging on as the moon started climbing into the darkening sky, the hot daytime temps beginning to fall. Ponies around town were starting to finish up their day, whilst others were heading out for dinner or whatever other plans they had.
The café was not far from where you lived, and you'd been there a few dozen times anyway.
Since you couldn't really have a reservation, you just walk in and find a nice seat by a window.
Despite not really even wanting to even do this date thing, you are mildly nervous. This would be the first attempt at dating in awhile, and your first time taking your date out to eat. You'd brought a decent amount of bits to pay for the meals, and if she wanted, you'd get her a drink as well.
Just before eight, bookhorse came into the café wearing a nice gown, but nothing too fancy. You start sweating.
She notices you within seconds and trots over, taking the seat across from you. "Hey!" she exclaims, a beaming at you brightly.
It was quite infectious, as you couldn't resist but return the attitude and smiles. "Well, you look nice."
She blushes lightly. "Thanks. I don't date, so I've just kind of picked anything," she admits.
"Well, you look stunning. Don't worry," you reassure her, not even sure yourself why you were complimenting her so much. It wasn't a bad thing necessarily, but you kept needing to remind yourself why you were even doing this.
A waitress comes over and brings you both a menu, offering to get drinks.
"I suppose I'll have a tea, sweetened," you tell her, and she jots it down on a little notebook.
"I'll have water," Twilight says, scanning her menu thoroughly. Her eyes were squinty and her tongue hangs out to the side, which makes her appear even more adorable. Looks like you don't need the tea to induce diabetes.
After the waitress walks off, you go through your own menu. Most of the stuff in it was suitable for ponies, but not yourself. And there wasn't a big, juicy steak for you to get, either, so you had no choice but to get a simple vegetable stew with garlic bread.
Twilight, on the other hand, gets a massive burger and plate of fries, digging in like it was her first meal in days.
Lifting a spoonful of the surprisingly tasty soup to your mouth and slurping it up, you attempt to start the conversation with an ice-breaker.
"Pick-axe," you blurt, unsure of why. Some literal ice-breaking wasn't going to help you here.
She stops chewing and stares at you, swallowing. "Excuse me?"
"I have no idea, hehehe," you reply, laughing nervously. You take another spoonful of your meal as an excuse to go silent, hoping she'd have something to say.
Thankfully, she did. "So, Anon, the test results from that spell for being able to fly look pretty good. It seems that your body can take just about any spell I can cast on ponykind. Isn't that just wonderful?" She stuffs a few fries down her gullet.
"It sure is..." You guzzle down half your tea, feeling thirsty suddenly. What was happening to you?
After she finishes chewing, she gives you a look of concern. "Are you okay? You look a bit troubled."
You pretend to be just fine. "Oh, yeah. I'm great. How could I not be? Hehehe." You stuff you face with more stew.
"Hmm," she hums, sounding unsure. "Well, this is going pretty well I'd say. I forgot to bring my notepad so I could take notes, but I can do that when we head over to my place afterward."
Unfortunately, she says this during your gulping down more of your tea, triggering a perfect spit-take. "W-what?" you ask, feeling a bit more nervous now.
"I figured you'd want to see the notes I took on you while I was testing you last time. Why, is there something wrong?"
You shake your head. "No, no. Sorry. I'd love to." You use your napkin to clean up the tea you spit across the table.
She rubs her fore hooves together happily. "Excellent! Well, I'm about done here, if you are."
You've only had three spoonful's and she's done eating. "Uh, yeah, sure." You place the bits you owe with a tip beside your plate and stand up.
As you leave with your "date", she tries to take your hand with her hoof.
Gritting your teeth, you allow it, soon finding out that pony hooves are softer than you thought. It made you wonder how much softer the pony it belonged to was...
With not much to say along the way to the library, you ask about the weather, which she knows nothing about. She tells you to ask Rainbow for answers on that subject.
Once you get to the darkened Golden Oak library, she tugs you in, getting some candles lit. "Well, I'll grab those notes real quick," she says, letting go of your hand and trotting off to her desk nearby, shuffling through some papers.
"Where's Spike?" you ask, glancing around for the little runt, seeing no sign of him.
She comes back over with a few papers. "Oh, I asked him not to be here tonight, so we could get some privacy." She holds up the papers with her magic. "Check these out. Exciting, huh?"
"Yeah, yeah. What do you mean, 'privacy'?" you inquire suspiciously, raising an eyebrow.
She sets the papers aside and smiles casually at you. "Well, it's tradition for a male to court the female on the first date."
Now you didn't know what to say. You stagger back and plop into a small recliner, and she proceeds to climb into your lap.
"What are you doing?!" you yell, horrified.
She seems to have an epiphany. "Ooooh, I get it. You prefer it with the lights out. I understand." She gets up and goes around the room, blowing out candles.
This was your opportunity to run, and you seize it, fleeing before she even has time to turn around. Racing down the street, back to your own home, you don't stop until you've made it in and locked the door tight.
Collapsing on the floor in front of the door, you sigh with relief. "That went slightly different than I expected."
Tonight, you avoided a horny Twilight. What would tomorrow bring?