Review of Shine
By CandleGenre: Drama
Having edited a few of Candle's stories so far, technical issues aside, I can honestly say that this one outshines them all. The story is a lovely description of Danny's roommate Loki, who after arriving at college starts noticing strange things.
From the very first sentence we are presented with an encounter between a confused Caprice and an even more confused Loki. Caprice flies into the dorm through the window as Loki is unpacking then, seeing she's made a mistake, apologizes and flies off. Already we are prepared for a comedy of errors to take place and the story doesn't disappoint.
After his unexpected experience, Loki tries to figure out what's going on in a semi disinterested fashion. Each time he's about to put the whole thing behind him something happens: an attack by corporate sorceresses, a magic insect infestation, a dragon in the refrigerator. Candle provides us with a number of laughs and witty dialogue, but it's the topic of the story that shines.
At the end, after yet another unexplained event, we have a thought provoking discussion between Loki and Megan. To our surprise we find that Loki has a crush, possibly more, on Danny, but is hiding it due to the pressures of society. This is a very deep and unusual take, reflecting a lot of our own problems, but presented in a light and amusing fashion. More remarkably. Loki believes that the weird events surrounding him are in fact signs urging to confess his feelings to Danny despite the pressure of society not to. Ultimately we are left with Loki going to Danny and mentally preparing himself for the conversation.
Magnificent take and, with the exception with a few spelling mishaps, well executed. You have come a long way in a short time, Candle. I can only say—keep it up.
The TechNightling
Review of Centaur Heart
By DarkSparkleGenre: Romance
I must admit, the title had me very conflicted. The combination of Taur and Romance (along with the tags Sex and Love) raised a number of red flags. Hadn't it been for my promise I would have left the story for later at best. I'm glad that I didn't. The story is exceptionally well written and, while not carrying a deep message, has an interesting plot and well thought out world. What is more, it includes elements of the original series alongside Mistmount Chronicles. The story's only fault—the unnecessary amount of technical details which bogs it down.
At first we are presented with Eric, who is reading up on portals in the city library. After going through a number books on myths and magic, he all but gives up, only to bump into an older version of Icelos. Icelos shares that there's much more about portals that could be found in the library and offers to share the secret if Eric is ready.
This is the first point at which the story disappoints. Instead of going on with the storyline, we are subjected to an analyses of the situation and an overly-details description of Eric's fears. Ultimately he agrees and is taken to a new realm to learn the nature of portals. There he meets Hylonome—a centaur rescued by Zeus, yet "imprisoned for her own protection" to be safe from her vicious brothers.
Hylonome agrees to share her knowledge with Eric, but at a price: for every sect she reveals he must perform a boon. Initially it's relatively minor things: seeing ancient artifacts, sending messages to creatures she knew. Gradually the tasks become more and more life threatening. At the same time, Eric continues to fight the Felina corporation. He has developed portal magic which makes him far stronger than before, yet as one of his promises cannot mention where he learned to use it.
Gradually a spark of love forms between Eric and Hylonome, and naturally he sets it on himself to set her free. Arguably, the story could have ended here, but the author decided to go the extra mile, depicting a new set of fights, including against Hylonome's brothers, as well as conflicts between Eric and his friends. We are also presented with a few disturbing scenes of sexual nature that I think we could have done without.
Ultimately, Eric convinces his friends to help and together they obtain Zeus' permission to set Hylonome free, as well as transform her into a full human.
DarkSparkle mentioned they had written fiction before and it shows: from the good level of writing to the obligatory angst and sex that are frequent in such circles. My advice would be—try to remove those bits and your work will shine much brighter.
The TechNightling
@The TechNightling: Wow! I read through the stories, but after your reviews I don't think I'll post mine. You really are good at this!
I kinda liked the both of them, but Candle's hits far closer to home. You see I'm like that in real life and understand exactly what Loki is going though. In my case my parents know and are very supportive of it. My friends too, but it's not something I shout to everyone.
PrinceEric
@PrinceEric: power to you! :) Saw it from a mile away :) Brush will be devastated, though. Then again, she has PaintDrop's brother to chase after >:D (Paint, any chance you can drag your bro to the site? Let Brush have at least some hope :P)
As for the stories, I'm pretty much in agreement with what Tech said. Shine is nice and sweet. I would have ended in a kiss between them, but that's just me. I don't like things open to interpretation.
Centaur Heart, on the other hoof... where do I start. I actually checked all the explanations on magic and psychology, and they are quite correct. I can even say which books they were taken from. The sex scenes, though... my lungs almost exploded from laughing. Really, DarkSparkle? I appreciate you are trying to be accurate, but the way they end up doing it is so uncomfortable they might well quit. This is fiction, and as in fiction, the most important thing is to convey the feeling adequately. Tech is 100% right you could do away with those scenes and still keep the impact. Just add a few sentences that it had been done (Eric blushes at some point or something).
My biggest problem, however, is how useless you've made Zeus. It's almost as if he's powerless and Eric and company must do everything for him. He's a deity, for stars' sake! That and the way you describe humans is a bit weird. I'm not sure they'd act that way.
MixaMax
You don't understand a thing! I know exactly how humans behave!
DarkSparkle
@DarkSparkle: hey, no need to get upset. *hugs* Nopony is being mean to you. Your story is great, it just needs a few touches here and there. We're all here because we like reading and writing. (That and Midnight Castle.) Tech and Max were just offering advice.
After all, we're here for each other!
LyraHands