//------------------------------// // 4. Learning Days // Story: Dear Small Pony Book // by Carapace //------------------------------// Dear Small Pony Book, I managed to finally defeat my ailment over the course of a restful weekend (not counting several rigorous sessions of peek-a-boo and silly faces with my over-lady), so I leapt up from my makeshift bed with all the energy and vitality I had been robbed over the course of the holiday week. My own little way of socking the Winter Spirits in their stupid faces. I truly hope the First Mother got her fangs into their necks. And I hope she took a good chunk out of each of them. Stupid Wendigos. If there is one creature in this realm I detest with all my heart and every inch of my carapace, it is they. Today was one of the set days my generous hosts set aside to discuss various subjects of my education. I have come to call them Learning Days, for I find that I end up learning quite a bit more than they do whenever we have these talks. That little bit about why I was not to go up to a couple in the midst of a display of affection and tell them that they looked delicious and that I would be most gratified if they would allow me to feed upon them happened in a special Learning Night session. Never before had I imagined that this might be thought of as “weird” or “creepy” to them. It was no small mercy that the couple in question happened to be my hosts, so they were less offended, more amused. They are most understanding of my lack of social graces. A simple apology and sincere promise upon my Name and Eggshell—two very important things to us changelings, but I will explain those at a later time—is usually enough. I must confess, this is a very welcome change from the Badlands Hive. Such a faux pas, as some ponies call them, would earn me a beating or two from one of the higher ups in the Swarm. Or, if you were particularly inept or just impressively unlucky, the Queen herself. The Queen had a wicked backhoof. My jaw grew quite familiar with the sensation, and I lost more than one set of fangs to her ire. Not fun. I much prefer Princess Cadence’s stern Lecture or Shining Armor’s hoof squeezing my shoulder while he explains where I went wrong and requests that I not repeat my mistakes (if they’re capital B Bad enough). My Learning Days typically take place in the dining room around lunchtime. That way, they could enjoy some food while they taught me, and then I could receive a treat of my own. Of all the ponies I have fed upon, my hosts’ are the most delicious of all. Not to mention the most filling. Sunburst is rather tasty as well, but the love around him is that of friendship or brotherhood. Both are certainly good and make a fine meal, but romantic love, even when it’s not directed at a changeling, is … I have seen Spike eat gems. He claims that they taste better than any substance he has ever encountered. I do not like gems, Small Pony Book, and neither do ponies. But to dragons, gems are delicious. That is how love is to us. I’m sorry if that seems like an odd way to explain it, but that’s the best I can do for you without knowing what your kind feeds upon. When you feel inclined to share this information with me, I would be happy to draw a comparison. Please understand that I do not intend to pressure you into this at all. I am a patient changeling. Today, it was just Princess Cadence and I. Upon entry, I fixed her with a quizzical look. I confess that I was a bit concerned as to where Shining Armor was, and found myself wondering if it would please her if I went off to search for her mate. They certainly brightened up whenever they were together, so naturally they should seek to achieve this during break times. Changeling intuition is rarely wrong, Small Pony Book. Remember that. My brilliant host, Princess Cadence, was wise to the way my mind worked, though. She smiled and trotted over to greet me with a hug. “There was a little bit of an incident on the training grounds today. Shining is going to be busy disciplining a couple recruits for mouthing off and not paying attention.” Of course. I had forgotten that Shining was sometimes occupied outside his schedule due to his duties in overseeing the Imperial and Royal Guard branches in the Crystal Empire. Still, I frowned. Subordinates should not be “mouthing off” to superiors. I knew that and I was, for all intents and purposes, a terrible member of the Swarm. Discipline was paramount. She caught my look and gave me a little tap on the end of my snout, which made me wrinkle my nose and cross eye eyes. “None of that grumpiness, buster. Shining might like to play and joke with us, but he’s a big stallion and knows how to get his troops in line. If I know him, they regretted it the instant he laid eyes upon them. In the meantime,” she paused to release her embrace and bump hips with me. “You and I have some learning time scheduled. And lunch for both of us, if your tastes trend toward my love today.” “Your love is always appetizing, Princess,” I replied eagerly. I am unashamed, there is no reason to feel it. She offered. “I am honored that you share it with me.” “So very polite. I hope your manners rub off on Flurry when she’s older.” Princess Cadence cast me a sly wink. “When she figures out that oatmeal is supposed to go in her belly, not on her caretakers.” “I think I speak for everyone when I say we are all waiting for that day.” “Quite.” With a fluff of those gorgeous pink and purple tinged feathers, she took her seat at the table and gestured for me to sit on her right—the side I’d learned was reserved for family or close friends, when it came to pony royalty. I sat beside her and readied for my lesson. Once she’d made herself, she gestured to a few pieces of paper and a pencil she set before me. “You remember we spoke about testing some of your knowledge last time, right?” I nodded. The conversation was quite vivid in my memory. Both she and Shining mention a want to see just how much I remembered from our chats, as well as some of the things I might know or not know that hadn’t come up. A wide range of subjects. Princess Cadence tapped the papers. “I’ve come up with a quick test for you to take. You can have as long as you need to finish it, and I’m not going to be angry or lecture you if you miss a few questions. This is just to see what you can show me you know.” It seemed simple enough. A quick glance to the front page revealed a few numbers problems and a question about alchemy—or chemistry, as was the appropriate term unless magic came into play to make the reactions occur. That was another explanation from a past discussion. I believe Princess Twilight was present for that one. Yes, she was. She explained the distinction. I wonder if Princesses Celestia and Luna are as kind and patient as their younger counterparts. The former must be, after all, she taught both of them. I’m not as familiar with Princess Luna’s recent history, but Shining assures me that she is “a softy once you get to know her.” That aside, I was confident. While changeling education was very basic beyond how to hunt, infiltrate, and maintain our castle, we knew numbers and chemistry well enough. If that was all I had to face, this test would be delightfully straightforward and I could impress my hosts with what a good subject I am. Then maybe we can discuss how I can benefit their kingdom beyond looking after Flurry Heart. “Okay,” I said, taking the pencil in hoof and beginning the first question. “Easy enough.” I didn’t suspect a thing about the way she hummed in approval and smiled while a staff pony brought her tea. Why should I? Princess Cadence is a generous host and a benevolent ruler. She would never trick me. I was a fool. Princess Cadence is indeed a generous host and benevolent ruler, Small Pony Book. Never doubt that for a second, even as I lament my failure to see through her calm smile and sipping of her favorite tea—Earl Neigh, I think, by the scent and use of cream and sugar. But she had indeed tricked me. The Princess of Love, the mare who embodies everything about the bond ponies share with family, friends, and lovers, is a wily mare. Wily, cunning, and with more magic in a lock of her mane than most changelings would ever know what to do with in their lives. Remind me to tell you what she did to Duplicitous. I’ll give you a preview: we had to spend hours healing his back before he could even lift his head for a drink of water. In any case, the numbers problems and chemistry had been a ruse. Oh, they were more of a challenge than I anticipated. A little figuring went into deciphering how I was to “find x” until she helpfully explained that she wanted the missing value. Easy enough. The chemistry was challenging after the first problem. I confess I have utterly no idea what the difference between types of bonds or electron levels or why in the First Mother’s immaculate gleaming fangs alkali metals didn’t react well with water—all I knew was that some of them could be used for the Swarm’s benefit. But then we came to history. Now, I would like to preface this by saying that, contrary to what the Queen might say, I am not an imbecile. I am not a good fighter either, I’m a better infiltrator and hunter. I can catch fish and small animals easily. I know changeling history, Small Pony Book. I know the history of the Badlands Hive like the back of my—oh, dear, that hole wasn’t there before. I must have added one between shifts again. Silly me. Pony history, however, is different. It is, in a word, far too linear for my taste. I know that there were once three tribes that united, then the Princesses of the Sun and Moon ruled together until the latter, leaving the former to rule (mostly) alone for a thousand years, with Princess Cadence by her side for the latter decades and Princess Luna returning shortly after. And, of course, Princess Twilight now joining them. That is just about the extent of my knowledge on history. I have utterly no idea who the Founders Six were or why Star Swirl the Bearded is renowned as the foremost magical mind Equestria had ever seen until the aforementioned Princess Twilight began her studies. I had no idea that the Crystal Empire fell because of a curse laid upon the land by King Sombra, who would rather see his domain fall to frozen wasteland than let Princesses Celestia and Luna defeat him and take over. Sadly, that was only the beginning of my shame. Forgive me, Small Pony Book. I am, to put it bluntly, a blithering dunce when it comes to pony customs. A fact that tormented my poor, changeling mind while Princess Cadence furrowed her brows and wrinkled her snout at one of my answers. I knew almost instantly that she had gotten to the one about how to address a pony who had made a mistake in a task I’d requested. I wilted, waiting for her question. It wasn’t a long wait. “Thorax,” she began slowly, “I want you to understand that I’m not mad or disappointed in you in the least bit before I ask this. You do know that, don’t you?” I didn’t, but I nodded anyway. She took a deep breath. “Okay. Why do you think it’s acceptable to ‘sink my fangs into the offender’s neck as punishment,’ if you wouldn’t mind explaining?” My mouth tasted like sandpaper—please don’t ask about my experience testing that for edibility. “That was one of the ways we disciplined in the hive.” I squirmed. “You … I won’t explain what our venom does. Out of respect.” “I know it hurts quite a lot and paralyzes for some time, which is why I’m asking,” Princess Cadence said. “So, that is not how you would like to deal with such a thing?” “It’s what I learned to do and, admittedly, have done.” Her frown deepened. I let my earfins droop. “Isn’t that sort of like what Shining does when his troops misbehave?” “Shining doesn’t bite them,” she replied, the corners of her mouth twitched upward. “Nor does he kick, punch, or use magic on them unless they have a rather impressive lack of self-preservation and try attacking him.” I couldn’t help but chitter in amusement. Shining Armor was an impressively gifted unicorn, and a mighty warrior. “Surely no pony is that stupid.” “It’s happened three times since he made captain.” I feel no shame in admitting that I almost swallowed my tongue in surprise. “Wha—who would—why?” “Some ponies think that just because the’s the youngest captain in three centuries and that he was dating me before he made it means he can’t fight.” A wicked gleam flashed in her eyes. “Shining Armor took combat lessons from a general by the name of Perun—a pegasus who hit like a stampede of buffalo. He made sure everypony under his watch could fight like no other, and made doubly sure no unicorn under his command became too reliant on magic. Shining hasn’t had a recruit test him since he put the third on the mend with a broken shoulder.” A shudder ran down my back. “What did that one do?” “He insulted Shining’s mother. He also made the mistake of taking the first swing.” I trust I don’t need to detail why that qualified as an impressive show of idiocy and lack of self-preservation. I believe it falls under something we in the Swarm called “too dumb to live.” Still, I had to ask. “So what does he do usually?” “A lot of running, a lot of extra workout drills, and all while he makes sure they know exactly how he feels about their conduct.” Princess Cadence heaved a sigh and ran a hoof through her beautiful mane. “There is no hitting unless somepony takes a swing at him. At all.” She fixed me with a Look. I squirmed. “There will be no biting unless somepony threatens you or Flurry Heart. Understood?” I nodded, but added, “Or you. Or Shining. Or Sunburst.” She sighed again, but this time with a smile. “I’ll accept that. Thank you, Thorax.” “Of course, Princess. I am pleased to offer my services, and shall happily sink my fangs into any who should threaten the Royal Family.” Her left ear twitched. For a moment, I thought her smile looked a little bit strained. “Let’s move on to the next one,” she said quickly, averting her gaze to my test again. I wondered if I upset her, but she spoke up before I could inquire. “Now, this one,” she began, “I have to correct you on. Not really because you’re wrong from your point of view, but because it would be rather … well, do you remember that talk we had with interrupting couples?” Again, I nodded. “You said I should not do so unless I was invited.” Confused, I tilted my head. “I’ve been meaning to ask, if I were invited, would that mean I were joining the couple? Do ponies do that too?” “Sometimes, but that’s beside the point.” Her left ear twitched again. Was there an itch bothering her? I tilted my head and tried to remember if there was a point on the page. I didn’t recall one. “What is the point?” I asked. “Hearts and Hooves Day is not a holiday for lots of food. It’s … a special day to spend with the special pony—or changeling—in your life and show them how much you love them.” “Oh!” My earfins perked up. “So, like how changeling courtship begins by bringing food to show my affection? I bring a yummy looking—” I stopped short as I noticed her raising an eyebrow. Her silent way of steering me away from those norms. “By bringing them a treat they really like?” I offered instead. To my relief, Princess Cadence beamed and nodded. “Yes, Thorax, that would work just fine. So, food can be involved, but the holiday is not for you to start feeding.” She thought on it a moment, then added, “Unless somepony offers it, of course. Then it’s fine.” “Okay. That makes more sense.” Somewhat, at least. I am trying, Small Pony Book. Truly. I opted to change the subject to one of the other questions that had vexed me so. “Was I incorrect in thinking that Star Swirl the Bearded was renowned because he created a spell that allowed him to stir the stars until they swirled?” Princess Cadence chuckled and shook her head. “I’m afraid so. I don’t think Auntie Luna would’ve been happy with that one.” I blinked. "Why not?" "She can be rather finicky about how her stars are arranged. In fact, let me tell you a little story about her ..."