//------------------------------// // The Machine // Story: The Fugitive Draconequus // by Ironskull //------------------------------// "Discord, wake up!" I fly awake in a flash. "Hur? Hum? Wasgoinon?" "I let you sleep in, but we have to leave any minute now to catch the train!" "Ugh, a train?" I complain. "Why can't you just teleport us to the Empire..." I let out a yawn, trying to wake myself up. "Don't be ridiculous. I don't have nearly enough magical power to teleport all seven of us halfway across Equestria." "Oh, for crying out loud!" I mutter. "I could have done it!" "Maybe so, but that's not an option right now." "Obviously." Twilight turns around to face- "What the!" I cry. "Where did all of these pets come from!" "Spike's going to be pet sitting for all of us while we are away," answers Twilight doubtfully. "Sounds like a recipe for chaos to me. Believe me, I would know." "That's what has me worried..." says Twilight. "But I'm hoping that he will be fine. Now get ready! We're about to leave!" "But I'm tired!" "Didn't you get enough rest last night?" "Nah, I stayed up scheming." "And... Did... you come up with anything?" she asks. "Nothing specific." "If you're still tired, you can take a nap on the train, but we need to get ready right now!" "Alright, alright, I'm moving!" As I am looking around for my stuff, I hear Twilight speak again. "Spike," says Twilight, standing outside in front of the open library door. "Are you absolutely sure you can do this?" "Of course!" he answers. "Wouldn't have agreed to it if I couldn't. Piece of cake! Speaking of cake..." The dragon suddenly produces a chef hat, a cookbook, and a measuring cup. "I got a little something I need to attend to..." Spike finishes. "Yeah, like keeping an eye on a house full of critters!" Twilight says sternly. Spike just licks his lips for a moment before realizing what Twilight just said. "Um, yeah! That's totally what I was talking about! Relax." He walks up to Twilight and starts waving his arms. "Go to your welcoming thing in the Crystal Empire. Spike's got it all under control!" I manage to slip outside before the little dragon can accidently close the door in my face, my things all in a pack over my shoulder. Twilight waves to him and turns to walk away. Suddenly, there is an explosion of distressed animal noises from inside the house, and Twilight clenches up. "Oh-ho, I can't wait to see what this place looks like by the time we get back!" I exclaim in glee. Twilight starts to turn back toward the library, obviously having second thoughts, but she is quickly interrupted by her Wonderbolt wanna-be friend. "Hurry up, Twilight!" cries Rainbow Dash, pulling Twilight away. "We're going to miss our train!" I groan and stomp off after them. When we get to the train station, Twilight and her friends all line up behind a bunch of other ponies. "What? I thought you said we were close to missing the train!" I cry out in frustration. Rainbow Dash is ranting about this Equestria Games business, but I don't bother listening to her. I sit there for a little while, feeling mad that I had to get up for this only to be delayed. "Can't we just sneak aboard so I can go back to sleep?" I complain aloud. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pinkie Pie? Well... that came out of nowhere. "What?" Pinkie declares casually. "I was just answering Twilight's question!" Ah. I see. Nothing to do with me. Of course. Finally, the front of the line disappeared. "Tickets please," stated the train conductor. "Here you are, sir," said Twilight as she passed the stallion a single ticket. He waved her on, and I followed after her. "So, I don't have a ticket?" I asked. "Of course not. He can't see you remember?" "But doesn't this technically count as stealing services?" "It can't be helped, Discord. Now, follow me and I can show you where the car is where you can take a nap." "Oh, goody..." Twilight leads me through he cars until we reach the correct one. "I suppose you can use this room for now. You don't think somepony will bump into you by accident, do you?" she asked in concern. "They had better not," I grumble. "Why aren't we moving yet?" "We just got on board!" "I know! I'm on now, we can leave now!" "These things take time!" "Whatever. It's not like I care..." I jump onto one of the beds on the wall and lie down. "You know," said Twilight, "The last time I was in one of these cars, Rainbow Dash was convinced Fluttershy is a tree." I lifted my head up and looked at Twilight to see if she was being serious. As far as I can tell, she isn't joking. "She knows that Fluttershy isn't a tree, right?" I ask. "My guess is that she was just tired, it was the middle of the night after all. Although, Fluttershy did say that she would like to be a tree." "Really? That can be arranged." "Oh. Um... Well, she might have changed her mind since then... So, anyway, could you not bother anypony while we're here? I would prefer that this goes as smoothly as possible." "Fine, I'll try not to. Lucky for you, I'm too tired to even think about that right now." "Um... Okay, I'm going to go sit with my friends then." "You do that." Twilight leaves. I glare out the window, noting how the train is still unmoving. "Stupid trains and their organized schedules." "Discord..." "Discord, wake up!" "You don't tell me what to do." "Well, you're awake now, aren't you?" asked Twilight. "Yeah, I'm awake." Suddenly, I look out the window and realize that the train is parked in a new station that I have never seen before. "Did I actually sleep through the whole trip?" I ask in surprise. "The last thing I remember before passing out is a trainload of fools bogged down in a magnetic field!" "... What?" "What?" "Discord, sometimes you say the strangest of things." "Let's get out of here then, we're wasting time!" We disembark and I take a good look around. "So this is the Crystal Empire huh? I was hoping it would be more exciting." "You barely even seen any of it!" Twilight protested. "I hope you're right. I wouldn't want to die of boredom while I wait for you to finish your errands. Speaking of which, aren't your friends waiting on you?" "Well, yes. You're not going to go causing trouble are you?" "Nah, nopony would notice. I was thinking I would just stroll around the city, take in the culture." "... Really? That seems... surprisingly tame for you." "Hey, I like to learn what I can about you ponies, enemies or otherwise, before I determine the best way to deal with you." "Huh. Well, don't let me keep you then. Goodbye Discord." "Hmm... I think I will try to find a surprise for you by the time you return." Twilight gave a worried glance. "Common, it will be the good kind of surprise!" "I'm sure it will be." "Well, goodbye Twilight." After parting ways, I simply pick a random direction that leads generally deeper into the city and start walking. I have to tell you, I am not a fan of the décor of this place. Crystal houses, crystal streets, crystal lamp posts, everything is made of crystals! And not even the good kind either. These ponies had to go and cut them all into angular, organized pieces instead of letting the natural flaws in the minerals be admired for what they are. These crystal ponies are interesting, though. Ever since I learned that I can provoke reactions from shining this lantern around, I've been eagerly awaiting an opportunity to use it, and the light shines through and bounces off these ponies in the strangest of ways. Even better, it sure leaves them feeling pretty confused. Eventually, however, I happen upon a pair of stallions wearing strange clothes, and they are notably not crystal ponies. They're standing in front of some big piece of machinery or something. They're yelling about something. I might as well check it out. "Come on, ladies and gentlecolts!" cried one to some crystal ponies who had stopped to listen to their speech. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! With this machine, your lives will become so much easier! It will save time- and effort!" "What is it?" asked a nearby pony. "This, my friend," answered the other stallion salepony, "Is our latest invention! The snow sucker-upper four-thousand! It's like a snow shovel on wheels, but it is self propelled! Or, if you prefer, you can propel it with pony power! The choice is yours! It will pump the snow it sucks up right back out this flexible tube here to be placed somewhere conveniently out of the way!" "But, we don't have to shovel snow in here in the Crystal Empire," the would-be potential customer pointed out. "The crystal heart keeps us protected from the freezing weather outside." "Are you sure?" asked the first salespony, almost pleadingly. "We're in the frozen north! Surely somepony up here would have use for such a machine, at least occasionally." "I don't have a need for such a thing." Many other ponies voiced their agreement and walked away. One salespony sighed. "It looks like this was a bust, Flam. I was so sure that our latest invention would be the prototype that would make us rich, but it seems that we are cursed with misfortune." "If only ponies weren't so stubborn and stuck in the old ways!" lamented his partner. "The earth ponies complained that they did not want the machine because of the magic engine, and we modified the machine so that one can power it through bicycle pedals instead! But still nopony was interested! How could they not understand what an opportunity they were missing?" "I felt sure that if anypony would appreciate our invention, it would be the crystal ponies of the Crystal Empire!" said the first stallion. "After all, they live in the frozen north!" I investigate the machine closer, intrigued. The front has a large square-shaped funnel that reaches all the way to the ground. There are two seats in the middle, both of which with bicycle pedals instead of a floor below them. Only one seat has a steering mechanism, and the other seat is conveniently located in a place where a pony sitting there can control the snow blower. In my head, I'm envisioning driving the thing through a town and burying anypony in sight with snow. "It's too bad that nopony told us that there is no snow here in the Empire," said the second stallion. "What do we do, Flim? Nopony wants to buy our machine!" "I'll buy that thing," I declare out loud, despite the fact that the two would not hear me. I jump into the driver seat without waiting for an answer (which would obviously never come) and try to get comfortable in the seat. It isn't easy, since it was built for a pony to sit in, so I take the bag off of my shoulders and set it inside the other seat for now. Fortunately, the seat is large enough that I can find a comfortable position eventually. I look at the control mechanism, trying to understand how it works. It doesn't look too complex. I twist a knob. Nothing happens. Maybe it's not that easy. Wait, they said that it can alternatively be pedal powered too, right? I try pushing the pedals with my mismatched feet and- Yes! The machine lurks forward. Despite my relative lack of physical strength, my large size in comparison to a pony seems to make pedaling this thing quite easy. I accelerate and the machine starts rolling away. Unfortunately, I can't keep going in this direction without running into one of those crystal street lamps. However, the steering mechanism is simple enough, at least. All I have to do is push it in the direction I want to turn. "Flim!" I hear one of the salesponies cry. "The snow sucker-upper four-thousand has disappeared!" "Huh? That's impossible! How could somepony take such a large machine without us noticing!" Oh yeah. That's right, I promised to pay them. I dig through my bag and find what I need: a small purse full of gemstones. I turn around and rear my paw back and take aim, and then toss the purse right in front of the salesponies. It lands right in front of them, just as I hoped. The pair stare at it for a few seconds. "What is that?" one asks, and picks it up. He pulls it open and gasps at the contents. "Flim..." he begins hesitantly. "I'm not sure what just happened, but I think we just made a sale." Feeling satisfied that Twilight won't chew me out too badly now, I take off once again, riding down the streets of the Crystal Empire. I decide to start messing around with the control mechanism again. I push a button. Suddenly, I feel a channel of magic open inside the machine, but nothing else happens. Of course! This must be the magic engine that they were talking about! I try pushing a lever forward, and suddenly, to my surprise, there is some sort of a clanking noise from under me and the pedals stop resisting my push entirely, throwing me off. It took me a few seconds to figure out, but I realize that the machine is rolling all by itself now. I wonder how long it can go before it runs out of energy? I analyze the magic within the machine and I realize to my slight disappointment that, while those two ponies have indeed built quite an interesting machine, their spellwork isn't the best. The machine is burning through magical energy at a much quicker rate than I could hope for. Still, I should have fun with it while I can. I think I'll try that nob again. I do so and suddenly I hear a loud and constant windy noise. While I'm trying to figure out what I've done, I realize that the blower hose is rattling in it's holder. Aha! I pull it free and point it at my face, only to be startled by how strong the gust of wind being blown out is. I smile a mischievous smile as I realize what a potential source of entertainment I have discovered. I pick up the bag from the other seat and carefully set it in a rather convenient carrying compartment which I only just discovered. I then switch to that other seat for myself. I keep one hand on the steering mechanism, which is comfortably possible thanks to my lanky figure, and with my other arm, I point the hose out into the street. Immediately, there are screams of surprise and confusion, but no one pony stays under the blast of my air-cannon for long, as I crank up the throttle and set the machine into faster motion, eagerly seeking out new victims. I start laughing openly at the chaos around me. "Run, you fools! Run away, or feel my wrath!" I don't know how long I kept this up, but eventually, a new thought comes into my head. Is it possible to get this thing close to Celestia? "Twilight, my dear Twilight, there you are!" I cry as I spot my favorite mare, completely by a happy coincidence, as I was originally in search of some nylon sheets. "Discord?" she says back in surprise. "What are you doing here? And... what happened to you? Is that paint in your fur?" I look down at myself. "It is. I've been putting together a little surprise you see. I can't wait to show it to you, but it's not done just yet. What are you doing here?" "Well..." Twilight said uncertainly and then hesitated. "Things aren't going as smoothly for us as they could be. We're behind schedule. I was just going to check to see if Rarity managed to finish Cadance's mane. There is a traditional style that Cadance simply must wear for the inspector, and the usual stylist is sick, and Rarity volunteered to give it a shot. I do hope that she is almost done. Actually, I can't stand here talking to you, I need to check in with them!" "I'll tag along for just a bit then," I answer. "I'm a little curious about what exactly you're up to." "Fine," says Twilight. "They're just in here, so this shouldn't take long." Twilight opens the door to a building with hearts adorning the roof, and trots inside. Almost instantly, we are accosted by Rarity, who apparently zoomed in from nowhere. "Augh!" Rarity cries in panic. "What are you doing here?" "We finished the welcome committee song," answers Twilight, "and we just wanted to introduce Miss Harshwhinny to-" "No, no!" cries Rarity in further panic, her ears laying back against her head. She takes a deep breath. "Princess Cadance isn't ready!" She hunches down in shame. "Something's gone terribly wrong!" "Something's gone wrong, you say?" I say. "I can't wait to see this!" I run behind Rarity easily and look left to right, looking for the pink princess of love. "Erm..." I hear Twilight say. "I need to speak with the princess." "You can't, you mustn't! She's in the middle of a delicate conditioning rinse that must go perfectly if there is to be any hope for her hair!" At this moment, I catch sight of the horrible disaster. "Bwahahahahahahahaha!" As I'm laughing uncontrollably, I manage to hear Twilight say, "Come on, how bad could it be?" "Oh, it's a complete and utter disaster!" I inform her, struggling to keep my laughter from garbling my words. "Imagine her mane," said Rarity, "turned into a porcupine!" Rarity engulfs Twilight's own mane in her magic and pulls it upward and outward. And instantly, I find myself awestruck at the result. "Ohhhhhh..." answers Twilight in uncomfortable realization. "Wait!" I exclaim, my laughter disappearing instantly. "Hold that style right there! It's fantastic!" Before Twilight can react, however, Rarity releases Twilight's hair and starts shoving her back through the doorway. "Please!" Rarity says softly, "I will bring her back from the brink of tragedy, but you have got to buy me some time! There's no other way!" And then, Rarity slams the door in Twilights face. Well, that was rather rude, I think to myself. And that's coming from me! Of course, now I'm inside this salon and Twilight's not, but this is a simple problem with a simple solution. As Rarity rushes back to Cadance's side, I open the door and walk outside without anypony giving me a second glance. Twilight is waiting for me outside. "What was that you said just now?" Twilight asked me curiously. "I said that that mane style was fantastic! It's such a shame you had to lose it! You should definitely wear it like that sometime!" "Discord, are you making fun of me?" says Twilight angrily. I feel taken aback. "No! I'm telling you, that look was excellent!" "That 'look' is a disaster!" cried Twilight. "It looks awful!" "No!" I insist. "No, it doesn't look awful! Now Cadance, her hair was awful. Hilariously so. But what your friend did with yours? It was a masterpiece. Look, Rarity was trying to make your mane into something messy and terrible, but the truth is that making terrible things is just not in her nature. It wasn't a mess, it had a certain sort of direction to it, all while creating a clever illusion of being messier than it really was! It was a work of art!" Twilight just stares at me for a few seconds. "Um... Okay, wow. You're being serious, aren't you?" she says to me. "You have... very strange tastes, Discord." "Speaking of strange tastes," I say, "I don't suppose you know where I can buy some nylon sheets in this town, do you?" "... Nylon sheets?" repeats Twilight, surprised at this request. "Um, no... Discord, how are you going to buy anything?" "Relax, I still have a bunch of those gems I dug out of that cave to pay for stuff. I'll just take what I need and I'll leave fair compensation. That's okay, right?" Twilight considers this for a moment. "I guess, considering the circumstances, that's the best that you can manage short of having me pay for it for you. But, well, I'm busy, so I guess you can... go right on ahead? What in Equestria do you want with nylon sheets though?" "It's a surprise. Later when you're through showing the inspector around the city, I'll show you. 'Later' quickly became the present, and I now find myself walking with Twilight to unveil to her my masterpiece. "So how did it go with the games inspector?" I ask. Of course, I don't really care about these 'Equestria Games', but Twilight seems to care very about having a good trip here, so... yeah. "It... didn't quite go the way we were expecting," says Twilight vaguely. "It all works out in the end, but I still feel rather embarrassed about it." "Well, this will take your mind off of whatever happened," I declare happily as I walk her around a corner and into an opening. "Behold!" Twilight did behold, and her eyes easily give away her astonishment. "Discord, what is that?" she says in disbelief. "You didn't make that, did you?" "No, I didn't make it. I bought it from a couple of salesponies that were honestly having a little trouble selling it before I came along. All I did is paint it and make some minor modifications. This, my little pony, is a mobile flying snow blower!" "Flying? Snow? Blower?" Twilight repeated in astoundment. "Yep, and not only have I painted it in very fashionable red and yellow zig-zags, but it also flies after what I've done with it!" I answer her with glee. "Take a look at this!" I jump into a seat and twist on a new nob that I added to the design myself. A huge white blob started slowly erupting from the new canopy roof I added. "I've turned this beauty into a blimp!" I declare proudly. "We can propel it through the air using the blower mechanism! I have the machine tied to the ground for now, but I tested it earlier and it works." "How in the world did you find the time and skills to make that!" Twilight cried. "Hey, I've seen a lot in my time. Besides, it turns out that I amaze even myself at what I can accomplish when I want it badly enough. And, you know what? Somepony once told me that one can't truly appreciate something without building it yourself with your own hooves. I used more than my hooved appendage to do it of course, but you get the idea. I didn't believe them at first, you see, but now, I see what she was talking about. I feel very proud right now!" "Wow, Discord, I... I never would have expected you to say something so profound. I'm proud of you too." "Hey, you're not the only one around here with a few surprises. Oh, by the way. The ponies who built the thing put in some sort of magical engine thing that runs off of unicorn magic, but their design chews through energy like Princess Celestia through a cake." "Why do you keep making these jokes about the Princess?" asks Twilight. "Have you seen her? She's not overweight!" "I know, I know! But seriously, have you seen how fast she can eat through those things? Anyway, the engine, I was hoping you could help make it less power hungry." "I suppose so... Um... Discord, I don't mean to criticize you, but... I think your balloon has some irregularities in it." I smile in devilish delight. "Oh, I know. You'll see!" I turn the crank controlling the gas further. "This crank here controls how much gas goes into the balloon," I inform Twilight. "The more I let it have, the higher we go." I look up at the balloon and watch it expand with barely contained glee. "Wait a second. Why does your balloon look like-" "Oh my goodness gracious! Oh my goodness gracious me! You DIDN'T! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T!" "Awww yeah, I totally did!" I cry out, feeling quite pleased. I crank the gas up even more. "You... You shaped and painted the balloon to look like Princess Celestia!" cried Twilight in horror. "That's right!" I confirm as I hop out of the seat and onto the ground, eager to take a look for myself. I move to Twilight's side and look up. "And this is the best part!" I continue, looking up at the balloon with a giant grin. "The higher we go, the more gas we have to give it, and the more gas we pump in there, the more 'Celestia's' midsection expands outward! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!" "Discord, you know what I said yesterday about the Princess killing you over drawing some stupid face on her cutie mark? Forget that I ever said that. I... I don't even know what to say right now!" "It is glorious, is it not?" I say, watching as the large Celestia balloon upped her waist measurements by the second. I pull Twilight's camera out and snap a picture. "It's not glorious, it's... It's... I- I've seen quite a number of political cartoons depicting Princess Celestia in a negative way in newspapers in my years, usually ponies questioning some of her more controversial decisions, but... This is just the most outrageous thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean, if your goal was to embarrass the princess... Then you have more than achieved it." "We haven't achieved my goal yet, Twilight Sparkle. We haven't even dropped in to say 'Hi' to Celestia while she is having her little vacation! Let me just give 'Celestia' here Equestria's most effective weight loss program and then you can help me get this thing to the train and hitch it up so that we can get it back to Ponyville, and tomorrow we'll ride it up to Canterlot and see just what sort of trouble we can give the real princess!" "I can't believe I am doing this..." says Twilight.