//------------------------------//
// Wings 
// Story: How to Disappear Completely 
// by shortskirtsandexplosions 
//------------------------------//

	"Okay, Mr. Bard..."  Derpy stood atop a hill, staring vigilantly against the afternoon sunlight.  The winds kicked at her blonde threads as she pointed her snout towards the bright sky in a stalwart manner.  "Anypony who's anypony will want to start by following the east wind.  Flying east is easy, you see."

"But... uhm..."  Flash Sentry put down the basket of muffins and pointed past her.  "Aren't we facing west, Miss Hooves?"

She blinked.  Eyes rolled.  Nostrils flared.  "...And congratulations!"  She spun one hundred and eighty degrees with a grin.  "You just passed your first test!  Cardinal proficiency!  Heehee."

"Heh..."  Brad's smile was a fuzzy, crooked thing.  "Go me."

"Lesson Number Two!"  Derpy took a few steps and plopped her flank down onto the hilltop.  Thud.  The resulting impact legitimately startled Flash—as if the mare's gray hindquarters were inexplicably comprised of dark matter or something.  "Aerial integration!" she continued, chipper.  "It's the key to mastering the sky and... y'know... all the floaty-floaty molecules in between the earth and space!"

"What... uhm... do you mean by 'aerial integration?'"

"Shhhhhh..."  Derpy smiled at opposite horizons.  "You hear that?"

Flash tilted his head aside.  He put extra effort into perking a fuzzy ear up into the lower levels of the troposphere.  "Uhm... the wind?"

"It speaks to usssss," Derpy cooed, blonde tail flicking.  "Listen to its rhythm.  Become one with the midair mantra."  She breathed in.  She breathed out.  Her eyes closed as she smiled.  "I'm starving."

Flash blinked.  "The sky's hungry?"

"No, I am.  Pass me one of those muffins."  One amber eye squinted open.  "Please?" she chirped.

With a shrug, Flash reached a wing into the basket and obliged her.  Soon, she was chomping away, littering the hilltop with raisiny-muffiny-crumblies.

"Mmmmmmmm... always... mrmmfff... let the sky know who's boss... mrmmfff..."  She finished the treat, rubbing the pastry mess off her muzzle.  "It's a known fact that the atmosphere has no esophagus.  Let it be jealous of you.  Best to wear out the sky's anger before you take off, you catch my drift?  Heehee."

"I... I-I'm not sure I follow, Miss Hooves—"

"Lesson C!"  Derpy stood up tall.  "Wait... was I counting by letters or numbers?"

"Uhhhhhh—"

"Anyfuzz, there are two super duper important things to pay attention to when you go airborne."  Derpy began pacing around the hilltop.  "Fancy-schmancy Cloudsdalian skynauts like to use the terms 'altitude' and 'terrain.'  But me?  I like to call it 'sky' and 'not-sky.'  One's brighter than the other, you see."  She paused, her nose scrunching.  "Unless you're flying at night.  In which case, you should probably flip the two around."  Her nose scrunched even harder.  "Except for when it's overcast, where everything is dark... in which case you're probably better off taking a train to your destination."  She giggled sideways.  "You ever taken the Pony Express to the Crystal Kingdom?  It's beautiful and shiny this time of year.  Just be sure to set up your Fast Passes in advanced—"

Flash coughed.  Loudly.  "You know what?"  He put on a plastic smile.  "Maybe this was a bad idea.  I'm sure you'd... uh..."  He made to turn around and trot downhill.  "...have lots of muffins that need being eaten—"

"Nonsense!"  Derpy was suddenly in front of him, startling the teenager.  "Why would I want to be doing anything else than showing a fellow pegasister how to embrace the beauty of flight?!"

Flash squinted at her.  "... ... ...'pegasister'?"

"Oh!  Oops... uhm..."  Derpy blushed, toeing the blades of grass beneath them.  "Sorry.  Most of my friends are mares.  I guess I don't know a better play-on-word for this scenario."

Flash looked at the sky.  He looked at the ground.  He looked somewhere in between.  "... ... ...'Brony?'"

"Duaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"  Derpy leaned forward from the weight of a ginormous grin.  "I have to write that dowwwwwwn!  Ohgosh!  Ohgosh!  Ohgosh!  You're a smart one, Bard!"

"Hey..."  Flash shrugged with a suave smile.  "It's in the name."

"Heeheehee... hmmmm..."  Delirious, Derpy reached blindly into the basket and scarfed down another muffin.  "Mrmmmffff... so... mrmffff... what were we doing again?"

"Flight lessons?"

"Oh right!  Ulp!"  She swallowed the morsels down her adorable throat.  "Have you tried flapping your wings?"

Flash looked at his feathery appendages, and then at her.  "I'm not sure they agree with me."

"Mffft!  Cookie crumbs!"  Derpy waved a hoof.  "What do they smell like?"

Flash gave his own feathers a humble sniff.  He squinted in contemplation.  "... ... ...sugar cookies and cat fluff."

"Then they belong to you, alright!  Which means you can use them!"  Derpy mimicked Flash's stance—but then tightened her limbs for show.  "Steady your hoofsies—but be prepared to let them to slack.  As soon as you flap your wing muscles, transfer all strength and concentration to them!  Pretend you're an adorable orange squirrel and just... curl your forelimbs to your chest right as you lift off!  You'll be more aerodynamic that way!  Heehee!"

"B-but..."  Flash gritted his teeth as he flapped his wings wildly.  Feathers rustled while the grassblades below them danced.  "About the 'lifting off' part... I-I don't think I have that down pat just yet!"

"It's all in the flap!  Or—as I like to think of it—the feather-flick!"

"But... grnnngh..."  Flash waved and swung his wings for all they were worth, but he couldn't lift off more than a centimeter.  "They just feel so... grnnngh... clumsy and stiff!"

Derpy smirked, eyebrows waggling.  "You're not thinking of a very pretty mare right now, are youuuuu?"

"What???"

"Ahem..."  Derpy reached forward and steadied his sweating figure.  "Just relax for a tick."  She tapped the fuzzy center of his scalp.  "Try to empty this before you fill the sky."

"You mean I'm supposed to empty my mind?"

"Works for me!  Heehee..."

"I just... suddenly feel that there are—like—too many flippin' variables for me to have to master in order to get this done," Flash Sentry moaned.  "I've seen the inside of an airplane's cockpit.  That shit's crazy.  Looks like a Stephen Hawkings sex dungeon encased in aluminum."

"Well, I may not know what an 'airplane' is, but I do know that you're a pegasus!"  Derpy paced around him, winking.  "And all pegasi are born to fly!  The mastery of clouds and barrel-rolls is built in our genes!  Sometimes our slacks too.  Although—I wouldn't suggest wearing dress clothes when flying.  You'll hit a lot of explodey bugs and ruin them."

"Miss Hooves—" Flash sighed.

"Uh uh!"  She pressed a hoof to his muzzle.  "I've got an idea."  She smiled pleasantly.  "Forget what I said about emptying your head.  How about you fill it with something that'll... mmmmmm—make it lightweight!"

"H-how do you mean?"

Her cheeks turned rosy as her tongue rolled:  "Take something cheerful and rapturous and stuff it in between your ears.  Become like a hot air balloon and soar to the sky on the feeling alone!"

Flash actually snorted.  "You're telling me to have happy thoughts?"

"Sure thing!"

"When do I get sprinkled with pixie dust?"

Derpy cocked her head aside like a confused bird.  "Pixies went extinct nine thousand years ago during the Age of Starswirl."

Flash winced, remembering that some things were too fantastical in this world to afford flippant oxymorons.  "I'm sorry, Miss Hooves.  What I meant was—"

"Flight, Mr. Bard, is freedom," Derpy firmly said.  "You chose to meet me for some lessons.  Heehee... that means you want to get into the air!"  Her smile was straight, even if her eyes weren't.  "You took the first and most important step before you even met me!  That means that you really wanna get in the sky.  You just gotta... find a way to make your soul hoof-bump with your wings!"

"I... don't think I can do that."

"Have you ever flown before?  On your own, I mean."

"Uhhhhh..."  Flash cleared his throat.  "Can't say that I have."

"Have you ever wanted to leave a place really badly?  Or reach some spot in the sky where you had never been before?"

Flash's blood drew cold.  He gazed off at the afternoon sky.  The warm colors gave way to gray concrete... to brown garbage strewing sidewalks and rusted bloodstains flickering across front store television sets.  He saw big black bold lettering on websites, on cell phone apps, on newspapers—all shouting, screaming, moaning the same monochromatic misery... painting a world of withs and withouts, devoid of color and mirth in between... aside from the plastic and electronic vices of hedonism that struggled ever so desperately to emulate that which was always missing.  There came a time when he stopped reaching for the sky, for he had long given up on the possibility of catching anything.  Even when he almost had some substance worth holding onto, it slipped away from him, escaping through a crack in the mirror like a butterfly seeking warmth.  There were several moments when Flash thought he had caught glimpses of that sky beyond the fissure... of the rainbows that held a forbidden and blissful magic... songs that he couldn't hear over the rattling of chains that were placed there by nobody but himself.  No, he didn't know how to fly, but he did have the indescribable urge to push.

"If only it weren't so heavy," he muttered.

"Heavy?"  A distant voice stammered.  A gray figure squirmed against a green plane far away.  "What's so heavy, Mr. Bard?!"

Flash wasn't certain why she was yelling.  When he looked down, he realized why.  Derpy was over fifty feet below him, and his ears were being serenaded to the flapping of feathers.

"Holy shit, I'm flying!" Flash exhaled, smiling.  And as soon as the misery in the back of his mind faded, he realized he had run out of things to push against.  His wingtips lost traction, and his lower limbs flailed.  "Holy sh-shit, I'm flying!"

"That's it!  Tell the whole neighborhood!" Derpy cheered—but it was too late.  There was a loud whistling sound, and the impact of Flash's body striking the hilltop before her threw her off her hooves.  The stallion groaned, tongue hanging out as he saw stars.  The mare trotted over, smiling nervously.  "Uhm... remember what I told you about the whole 'sky' and 'not-sky' thing?"

"They... c-came from behind..."  Flash wheezed.

"Any bones broken?"

"Only the ones in my head."

Derpy stretched a fetlock outward.  "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Flash regained his sight just in time to squint at her.  "Ponies don't have fingers."

"Awesomesauce!"  Derpy smiled and yanked Flash back to his hooves.  "You still have your cognitive abilities!"  A sly wink.  "Wanna try that again?"

"Miss Hooves, I almost shattered my vertebrae just now."  Flash dusted himself off as the numbness passed.  "But... more to the point..."  He grinned psychotically.  "Hell yeah!"