//------------------------------// // Chapter 9 // Story: The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs // by neutralmilk //------------------------------// The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs Chapter 9 The Honeymoon (Prequel) Twitchums stared blankly at the massive crowd of ponies sitting before him, his hot pants wedged uncomfortably in his pony butt crack. He was entirely aware of the crowd’s eyes gazing at him but chose to pay it no mind. He was far too busy not giving a crap to concern himself over such petty matters. All he knew was that he looked gorgeous. Well, as gorgeous as an alicorn with a puny red-eye, metallic tail, and a hideously clashing afro possibly could. “You’re a lucky stallion.” He heard a voice behind him say. Twitchums turned his head to find a balding priest (or its non-denominational pony equivalent. See? Now I can’t get sued!) sitting on his (or her, for all you equal-rights activists out there) haunches, waiting for the ok to start the ceremony. “Uh, what?” the alicorn asked in response. “Dude, you’re lucky! I’ve been trying to bag that mare for like, weeks!” Twitchums stared at the pony, unsure of how to react. An all too familiar feeling of rage began to pump through his veins. “I mean she’s so friggen hot! Her plot is just… WHOA!” The pony continued blathering on about Rainbow Dash’s fantastic flank, blissfully unaware of her fiancé’s increasing ire. “Man, if you weren’t marrying her I’d be all like: ‘Hey baby.’ And she’d be all like ‘Oh, Wedding Bells, you’re so rugged!’” I’m going to rip his throat out. Twitchums concluded mentally. Suddenly he felt his eye begin to act up. His heart skipped a beat. He had to calm down before he did something he regretted. “Hey buddy, your eye ok?” The priest asked, noticing Twitchums’ precarious condition. The alicorn squeezed his lips, sealing back an exclamation that’s far too mature for this story and nodded in response, sweat trickling down his brow. “Yeah? Ok good. So anyways, her and I would go back to my place and…” Twitchums felt himself getting closer and closer to snapping. No! Must. Keep. Calm! “… And when I bring her to my Mother’s place we could- Oh, hey! Looks like they’re ready backstage!” The pony stopped his ramblings and stood up, doing last minute preparations for the wedding. “You ready to get this show started, big boy?” Twitchums wiped his brow, his eye no longer twitching. “More than you could ever know.” The majority of the ceremony bored Twitchums to the verge of tears. He knew that he should be excited, but the pure dullness was enough to make him long for the days before Rainbow Dash. The days of his romantic entanglement with Applejack. A solid week and a half prior to the wedding itself. It seemed like a lifetime… Twitchums decided to take solace in the crowd of attendees, hoping to free his mind of the emotional ties he had with the orange mare that still plagued his thoughts; day and night. Right off the bat, Twitchums spotted Twilight Sparkle and her friends (and Spike too, but he doesn’t count) sitting together in a small group. The mares looked different, minus Twilight who watched the wedding with a smile on her face. The rest seemed… Kinda dull. Twitchums McButternubs thought to himself. His eyes scanned over the equines and their grey-tinted coats. What seemed to puzzle him more, however, were their demeanors. Instead of their characteristic smiles adorning their faces, each wore a grimace. Even Princess Celestia sat, glowering at the male alicorn and his soon to be bride. Out of nowhere a low, menacing cackle filled the room and disappeared almost instantly. Twitchums felt an unmistakable wave of dread wash over him as the remaining ponies in the crowd turned grey, except Twilight Sparkle, himself and his fiancé. “Eh,” He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess they must be jealous. I can only pork so many ponies before the author ties me down to Rainbow Dash. That is unless there’s a sequel…” He turned his attention away from the glaring ponies and back to the priest who had finally finished a long, pointless speech about the power of true love or something cheesy. Just the thought of it made Twitchums want to spew chunks of oober death. He didn’t though. Instead, he fell asleep. What a real man. “Before I continue to the vows,” The priest said, also ignorant of the random change in the temperament and colour of the ponies in the room. “Is there anypony in here that thinks these two should not be joined in matrimony?” A sea of hooves shot up among the mares in the room. And Big Mac. He raised his as well. “Let me rephrase that: Is there anypony in the room that doesn’t think they should get married for a reason that doesn’t involve wanting Twitchums all to themselves?” The hooves slowly dropped, including Big Mac’s. A pony coughed awkwardly in the back. Boy, it sure is good that I don’t love Twitchums McButternubs like the rest of these ponies! Twilight Sparkle thought to herself as she watched Big Mac slowly back out of the church. Sure he’s a stud and has a shmexy puny eye and he’s an alicorn and stuff, but I mean, he’s marrying my best friend! I’m happy for them. I mean. I’m sure I would fall for him if I was ever in a situation where all of Equestria depended on us working close together. Like, if Discord just randomly showed up and stuff. But what are the odds of that happening? “I see,” the priest began again. “Well then if anypony does not believe these two should be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your pea-” Just then in them most cliché style imaginable, the doors to the church were thrust open, fog billowing through them. The grey ponies rose from their seats and began stomping their hooves in rhythm. A dark figure stepped calmly through the open doors and was met with loud cheers. “Hello, my little ponies!” Discord exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air. Everypony in the room burst into applause. Twilight Sparkle jumped away from the crowd and darted to the front with Twitchums and Rainbow Dash. “D-D-Discord?! But how did you-“ Twilight began. Discord lunged forward and put his eagle claw over her lips, shushing the mare. “Hush now, don’t spoil the moment!” Discord waved his hand in the air, a cup of chocolate milk dropping into his hand. “Anypony want some?” A stallion in the crowd raised his hoof. “Well you ain’t getting any. BAM.” Discord cackled madly and drank the chocolate milk, glass first. “Sweet Celestia! You’re so evil!” Rainbow Dash cried at the draconequis. “You’re gonna pay for ruining my wedding!” she lunged forward but instantly found herself in a cage made entirely of celery. Rainbow Dash hates celery. It’s so freaking nasty. “Ah! Celery! My only weakness!” “Mwahaha! Now that I’ve drained everypony of their will and captured you, Equestria is as good as mine! Chaos shall reign once more!” “Not if I can help it!” Twilight shouted, planting a hoof firmly on the ground. Her attempt to look strong failed miserably and, in fact, only made her more adorkable than usual. “You?” Discord put his paw to his beard and stifled a laugh. “And what do you think you’re going to do to stop me? All of your friends are under my control. And even if you do manage to change them back, I still have Rainbow Crash here.” “Hey, watch what you’re saying!” Rainbow shouted from inside her plant prison. “Don’t worry Discord. I have somepony that’ll help me stop you and your nefarious schemes!” Discord reared his head back and laughed, lightning going off in the background even though they were inside. “Oh really? And who’s that, huh? That statue of a super sexy alicorn god right there?” He pointed a claw at Twitchums who was still asleep. “I’d attempt to discord it just to prove you wrong, but then that’d leave too many plot holes! Mwahaha!” “I wish you the best of luck in defeating me, Twilight Sparkle!” Discord suddenly brought his face next to Twilight. “You’ll need it this time around. You’re Elements of Harmony are as good as defeated.” The purple unicorn gulped and watched as Discord unzipped the wall of the church and stepped outside into his new kingdom, Rainbow Dash in tow. She was going to need some serious help if she wanted to save Equestria.