//------------------------------// // Fancy Pants Discordance: King For A Day // Story: Pony POV Series: Fancy and Fleur-Dreams and Duty // by Purple Patch //------------------------------// Pony POV Series Fancy Pants King For A Day Recursive Fanfiction Why, hello there. I believe I haven’t seen you in jolly old Canterlot that very often. How may I be of help? Well, that’s quite an interesting proposition but I see no harm in it. My name is Fancy Pants. To be perfectly honest, even I’m not entirely sure. Write it down as one word if you like. How ponies are spelling my name is unlikely to become all that great a concern of mine. Well, you must be new, dear fellow. Not to boast, you understand, but I’m rather well-known in this general area. I am the Lord Minister of Canterlot, its essential head of the municipal government. I essentially take care of the matters that concern Canterlot and its social circles provided they aren’t royal affairs. Where our fine Princess defends our lands and protects and guides our ponies on the path of peace and progress, I chip in here and there to ensure things run smoothly. As Lord Minister I do have some say in royal affairs when they occur and I do my part to advise her highness however I can. Oh, her highness values any advice. A wise ruler always does. More than anything, she needs ponies she can rely on. After all, a princess can’t be everywhere, even one such as her. It’s easy when you know how. The first step is building a reputation for yourself, I suppose. Ponies have always thought of me as a bit of a role-model, social-wise. I’m invited to more parties and gatherings than you shake a stick at, purely so that upcoming socialites can say ‘Fancy Pants so enjoyed our little celebration. It’s such a shame you couldn’t come, snork-snork-onoxious laugh’ to their envious nemeses. You get used to it. I’m not without genuine friends. Any other day, I have my good friends and benefactors, Swan Song, Silver Frames and Golden Gavel around. I was a prefect at Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns and rather looked out for that little trio of awkward youngsters. And most prominently, I have her. Oh come on now, old bean, you must have heard of Fleur de Lis! Renowned Canterlot Supermodel, cover-mare of nearly every major fashion magazine in Equestria... And the love of my life. Yes, we are married. Very happily. You hear about these marriages between politicians and celebrities and royals. Ever so messy, one wonders what they saw in each other to begin with. But me and Fleur, we share something. I helped her, you see. And then she helped me. Back when both our lives were a little more hectic than they are now. I was an idealistic politician with no small amount of enemies and she was a struggling graduate striving to find her career in the fashion industry...and I later found out she was being stalked. I very swiftly put a stop to that and then recommended her to a friend...and when I say friend I mean Photo Finish. A high-strung madam but she knows talent when she sees it. Fleur rose quickly and used her new-found power to actually save my life. I’m not joking, dear fellow! She foiled an assassination attempt! For that, I shall look upon her as nothing more than a guardian goddess and she feels much the same about me, this I am certain of. We need each other and our lives have never been happier than shared among one another. Well, of course, she gets a lot of attention from the media. We both do really. And we always see young stallions (And a few mares now and again) give her looks that aren’t quite as proper as we would like but, whenever she feels pestered or worried, I always say the words that make it all better for her. ‘You can’t help being beautiful’ It always brings a smile to her face. A smile that makes every day of mine complete. But it’s not flattery, you understand, it’s a promise. A promise that I will never think less of her by how others think. That’s always been a great anxiety of hers and I put it to rest whenever it surfaces. Well, at this moment, I’m going to see the princess. There aren’t that many ponies in Canterlot who get the chance to say that very often. Princess Celestia summoned me on matters most urgent and, as an upstanding member of her highness’s court, I can do nothing more than... ...see pink clouds of candy-floss covering the sky...raining with, what appears to be, chocolate milk...on checkerboard soil...and shoals of fish, floating in mid-air... Do you know, I could be wrong but I’m not entirely sure this is supposed to happen. Have I wandered off? I...dear me, I need to find somepony. Things aren’t...things aren’t right at all. My ears pique up as I hear a filly’s high-pitched scream...or that might have been Blueblood. Must be chatting up the wrong mare again. I’ll have a word with him later. And, goodness gracious is that Photo Finish?! I...I... Ahem...I most certainly did not see what I just saw...not a bit of it... Moving very swiftly on. I must find the Princess immediately. This is a far cry from the Canterlot I’m familiar with. And the one in which I’ve currently found myself leaves much to be desired. Ponies are going completely mad all over the place. Citizens of Canterlot I know to be safe and sane are running around laughing like clowns or screaming as if the end is upon them. Is it? Where is Princess Celestia? She has to be here. She must be. I mean, for Paradise’ sake, can’t she see what’s happening?! Can’t she do anything?! “Not a thing” I stop dead in my tracks. That voice came from nowhere and did not sound particularly friendly. I gaze out at what was once, to my knowledge, the path to the palace. It is blocked... By a great golden crown the size of a hula-hoop with a deep indigo crystal in the centre, right in front of me. Just like my cutie mark. Suddenly everything sounds so quiet. The madness outside seems to have subsided, at least for me. Perhaps this is simply a peculiar dream. I look into the crystal, my face staring back at me. Then my face starts to change. And not for the better. I grow dissimilar horns, twisted and gnarled, and one jutting tusk. My mane and moustache turn grey and fall down to my chin, forming a scruffy little beard and my eyebrows turn bushy and white. Most noticeably, my monocle seems to merge with the eye it covers, causing one of my pupils to grow larger than the other, magnified, as my eyes themselves turn yellow where once there was white...and red where there once was blue. “The new look” my reflection says “It’ll catch on fast” Alright then. Now I am distinctly unnerved, I don’t mind saying it. I take a step back as the crown begins to spin and a trailing, spiralling ribbon emerges from the inside of its rim. Then I see that it is not a ribbon at all but the most bizarre creature I have ever seen. Not so much a creature in itself as an amalgamation of many. I can’t be too sure...pony, snake, goat, dragon, turkey, stag...wait a moment...I’ve seen him before...his statue anyway. Every time there’s been a party at the Royal Gardens... “D-D-Discord...” I try to stop myself flinching. I fail “The Bringer of Chaos...The Reality-Warper...Turned to stone by Princesses Celestia and Luna centuries ago...” “In the moving, breathing flesh” the creature cackles, throwing out his asymmetric arms as if he were a performer “And very happy to see you, Lord Minister...if you deserve to call yourself that” “I...Well really!” I am quite offended and I choose to show it...at least as far as my courage can bring to do so “That is hardly reasonable, sir” “Oh, is it now?” I do not like the look the mad god gives me. I see why the Princesses did not freeze that hideous smile in stone during their last affair “What sort of Lord Minister lets all this...” he gestures at the calamity unfolding around us “...happen to his fair city? Or is the safety of Canterlot entrusted to another?” “Yes it is. And I warn you, she is not to be trifled with” I give him a firm stance and a measured glance like my old aunt taught me. By golly, I’m not letting this foul serpent get his way, not while there’s a pony named Celestia in the world! “The Princess will find you and I assure you, my good sir, she will make you pay for this outrage!” At this, the creature throws back its misshapen head and laughs. As if I’ve said something... “Very, very stupid” Dear Celestia, can it read my thoughts?! “Yep. And it’s no use relying on Celestia, however dearly. She can’t stop me. But then that’s nothing new, is it?” I draw back, startled at his words. “I don’t understand” “You should put that on your jacket” Discord sniggers, his beastly eyes gleaming like volcanic gemstones “If Celestia can’t stop me...if she can’t defend the city she rules over...what good is she? Why call her your ruler when she’s done nothing to earn that title? Ask yourself...If the Princess can stop me but doesn’t want to, surely she is malevolent. If the Princess wants to stop me but can’t, surely she is incompetent...Either way, why call her the Princess?” He slithers up close. The more avian of his hands trails itself around the crown, which becomes smaller and smaller until he’s twirling it round his claw. “You could rule. You’re a smart stallion, Fancy Pants. You and I both know you’ve always been the real mind behind the throne. Ponies look up to you. You’ve all the values of a Prince, unlike that miserable pampered fool the world calls Blueblood, who Celestia insists on coddling. None are more competent. Experience, wisdom, patience, honour...you have it all...” “Indeed. And you forget one other thing, sir. Loyalty!” I stand my ground as best I can “I will never, in good conscience, betray my Princess, do you hear me?!” “Why ever not? She’s the one who’s betrayed you. She let this happen. She could have easily stopped it, a mare of her power, her influence...yet she didn’t...What is that, if not treachery? And what are you if not the one to punish it?” The crown hovers over then under his twiddling claws, just above my head as the Bringer of Chaos begins to chant. “Ruler and Defender Of city, field and town. Oh, Fancy Pants the One True King In his gleaming golden crown” He places the crown upon my head. It’s a perfect fit. It...It feels as if I was made for this...this was...Destined. Then the crown disappears as he stares deep into my eyes. I look around. Something I don’t find fun. Things really have gone to Tartarus, haven’t they. There are ponies chasing each other with weapons. Fire, explosions, screaming, here in the capital! Is Celestia really so blind? So powerless? Does she honestly think I can improve things if she cannot? ... Yes...Of course she does. I’m the one who improves things. Half the improvements in Canterlot would never have gotten done without my help. My work, my talks, my money, my good, honest drudgery makes Canterlot what it is today. And what thanks do I get? Why is she still wearing the crown?! I've earned that crown! It's mine! I Will Wear The Crown! My vision blurs. I must have lost my monocle. I fumble around. Dash it, I must look like so ruddy foolish. It lands in my hoof. I put it to my eye and see the creature standing over me, a look of concern on his face as he glances at my forehead. “You seem to have lost your crown” he says with concern. My hoof flies to my scalp. The crown is not there. Somepony has taken it. How dare they! “I believe I saw Celestia wearing it in the Royal Palace” Celestia? That vile little sorceress! That sanctimonious wastrel! That up-jumped, clueless, disobedient whelp! In my palace! Wearing my crown! I’ll make her pay for this! “Reclaim your kingdom, Fancy Pants” Discord tells me, every word repeated in my head in a voice not unlike my own “Take back what was stolen from you. Give Equestria the ruler it deserves. And please...entertain me” Yes. Yes! Equestria needs a new king! The path to the palace is clear now. Of course, it is. I’d know the way to my own palace. What if there are guards? Well, they’re my guards. They will seize her on my instructions if they haven’t done so already. No...I will put her down myself. I will be the hero! The conqueror! The Slayer of Celestia the Tyrant ! The False Princess! The Crown-Thief! My crown...I will wear the crown! I stumble. Tchah! Where’s a ruddy carriage when you need one?! I look into the murky chocolate milk puddles on the road. They’re clear enough to show some colour and I notice mine are dimmer than usual. My mane and moustache is more grey than blue and the white of my coat is off somewhat. Bah! The loss of my throne has already taken its toll. Celestia will suffer for what she’s done to me! I speed on in the direction of the palace. I need a weapon. Somepony give me a weapon! I can’t face a rogue alicorn unarmed. Or perhaps I can? No, I will end Celestia’s life by the sword. Nothing else would be befitting. I find a guard, if he deserves that role. He’s rolling around on the ground like a cur with a blank look in his eyes, looking like a perfect goof. “Grant me your blade! Your king commands it!” I bellow. Yes, the royal voice comes naturally to me as I take his sword from its sheath with a flash of my magic, golden as my precious crown of course. The guard wags his tail and scratches the underside of his chin frantically with one hoof. Imbecile! Probably blind drunk, on guard duty no less! I’ll have his head for this offence! Later though. Celestia dies first. Cut off the head of the snake. Then the accomplices. Thus is the fate of traitors. I will wear the crown. There! My palace, my ancestral home, so beautiful. How I have missed it. The light of its serene towers and mighty halls is enough to quell my righteous fury. The blade feels light in the hold of my magic. I tuck it into my belt. I have rather changed my mind. I believe I shall be merciful. I shall give her a chance to surrender peacefully. Return what is mine, Celestia, and I shall spare your worthless life. After all, a king needs a concubine. And she is a very pretty traitor. “Fancy! Oh my Fancy, thank Celestia!” While I’m on that subject... I see her, Fleur de Lis, rushing up from the alley. The mare I’ve spent so much time with in recent years...I don’t seem to remember why though. She looks appalling. Her alabaster coat is covered with dirt. Her lilac eyes are bloodshot and pouring with tears. Her mane is unkempt and clumped with soil, leaves and twigs. Her entire body is clammy and quivering, struggling to keep upright. Her posture is distinctly different. Where once she held her head high, she now slinks along the pathway like some form of stray cat. How dare she appear before me in such a squalid manner! “Fancy, you need to help me!” she sobs like a school-filly “The eyes! The hooves! They’re everywhere! They won’t leave me alone! Please, Fancy!” She falls into my chest, wrapping her filthy foreleg around her king’s noble shoulder “Keep them away, Fancy! I just want them to stop!” I am quiet for a moment. I can’t quite process this. She is a commoner. Nothing more. What reason does she have to speak to me so brazenly, to ask aid of me? Doesn’t she know I’m her king? Has she been like this since I’ve met her? Of course...it’s all so obvious now. Such a dirty little thing all along, in heart and now in body. Hoping to hide behind me. Hoping to use me, to live off me. I’ll show her who’s really been pulling the strings. “How many?” I ask in a very calm and collected tone, a regal tone. Witless nag that she is, Fleur gives me a clueless look. “Well?” I ask with faux-patience. She doesn’t need to answer. I know already. I’m just letting her know that. “How many stallions was it this time, then? Anypony you knew? A father? A brother? A colt you found outside the bordello? Perhaps a little of all three? Perhaps all at the same time?!” “Wha...Fancy!?” She explains, cupping her babbling mouth with her revoltingly spindly hooves. “Don’t you dare pretend to be surprised, you loathsome, grasping excuse for a mare!” I snarl, finding my blade hungry for blood “I know the truth. You’ve been a pay-ride for coin all this time. Celestia’s coin! You’ve been spying on me! You have spied on your one true king! Treason! Heresy! Fleur-de-Lis, I name you a traitor to the crown!” “No...” Fleur squeaks like the rat she is, shaking her head as I advance “No, no, nononono, not you too, not you...not my Fancy!” “Silence!” The blade flashes in front of her. I notice it looks prettier than she ever was. And it feels so very thirsty. “What was that you always had me say? You can’t help being beautiful?” The words turn my stomach. Egomaniacal tart! “Well I think I can help. I think I can stop them all looking at you...here” The sword of the king lunges. A scream escapes the temptress’s mouth as I draw a streak of glorious red across her miserable face. All at once, as if the blood is drained from her from that single strike, her mane and eyes dim and her coat greys. Aha! I've broken her spell! Temptress, succubus, changeling, whatever you are, I will end your depraved charade! “FANCY, NO!” she shrieks. I never want to hear that wretched voice again. “Be silent, traitor, and accept your fate! Have at thee!” Damn and blast it, the filthy thing’s too fast! She gallops off, weeping, towards the forest. She won’t get far. I’ll deal with her later. I have more important matters to take care of. I will wear the crown! I charge towards the palace doors, blade in my grasp. Already I can feel my armies mustering to my call! Oh the day of glory is at hoof, my warriors! The door gives way as it damn well should. “Celestia the Usurper, your reign is at an end!” I cry at the top of my lungs as I rush toward my throne “Kneel and plead for mercy before your king and I shall-” What?! What is this foul devilry! I am unable to move! My magic has no affect! The sword clatters to the ground and is snatched up as the traitor stares at me from behind the shimmering prism that contains me. NO! RELEASE ME! I AM YOUR KING! YOU CANNOT KEEP ME FROM MY DESTINY! I WILL RULE! I WILL WEAR THE CROWN! “By the light of the Sun, Fancy Pants...” The look she gives me is...pitying, tearful...does she feel remorse? “What has the monster done to you?” Then the prism shimmers quicker and harder until her face is blotted out. I see nothing. My palace, my crown and the traitor who stole them vanish in front of me. And by the time the prism is lifted, I am trapped once more in a dungeon cell. I scramble to my hooves and pound at the door, yelling oaths of death and destruction upon them and all their kin. They cannot hold me! Not in my palace! Not in my domain! I am the King! I will wear the crown! * NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! * My rage suddenly subsides...as does my arrogance...and a great many other things. All thoughts of my glorious crown escape my mind as swiftly as they became trapped within. I dropped my monocle. Replacing it, I take note of my full surroundings and try my hardest to remember what exactly took place. There was Discord. A crown. A sword. There appears to be blood on my sleeve. “FANCY, NO!” ... Oh dear Celestia... Please... ...no...