As the two outcasts passed the night again at the abandoned warehouse, they found themselves in good spirits. They knew they hadn’t secured the job and its benefits yet, but for the first time since they had been banished, they felt very optimistic that things were going their way.
“I still can’t believe our luck managing to find a possible job that’ll also offer room and board,” Spike said aloud, shaking his head in awe at the thought as he pulled out of Thorax’s saddlebags the leftover meal from their train ride to Vanhoover. He figured he’d better eat it now before much more time passed or it’d go bad, and either way, he felt like celebrating.
Thorax, having dropped his disguise and sitting nearby to the dragon as an orb of magical light he had cast lit their spot for them, looked more pensive. “I didn’t know that whole room and board thing was even done,” he confessed.
“And see, that’s the thing, it’s not,” Spike admitted to the changeling, digging into the cold, but still tasty, leftover au gratin potatoes. “At least, not like it used to be. Back in the day, it used to be a common practice in Equestria, especially among private stores like Miss Fly’s bookstore, but not so much anymore. Now it’s a dying practice. I know, because Twilight used to lament all the time about how it was fading out. She used to daydream about doing that, getting a room and board job in a bookstore or someplace to make a living in…until she came to Ponyville and got running a library all to herself instead, which I guess was even better for her. But the point is that it’s not so common now. That’s why Fly Leaf said she was ‘old-fashioned’ about it. Not many ponies bother with the room and board, at least not in fields and businesses like hers.”
“So we’re really unbelievably lucky finding her and her business then,” Thorax reasoned, rubbing his hole-riddled front hooves together in thought.
Spike chuckled, thinking back on the day in full. “Guess you were right about those acorns then,” he commented.
Thorax grinned back, watching the dragon munch with his solid blue eyes. “You seem to be in good spirits.”
Spike looked at the ground for a moment, still grinning but it had turned somewhat bittersweet. “It just feels like, for the first time since we were kicked out of the Crystal Empire, things are going…right for a change.” He poked his plastic fork at his meal. “The past couple days it’s just been like one thing going wrong after another, or feeling like I gotta sleep with one eye open or keep looking behind my back, or the trouble we’re both fleeing from will jump us and make things worse. Living in fear of what the future might bring…if we can still keep ourselves safe…fed…taken care of…” he let out a shuddering sigh almost of relief. “But not now. If things work out tomorrow like we hope…and maybe it’s premature of me to do so but I can’t help but feel confident that it will…then I won’t feel like that quite so much, that we can rest easy. It feels like a great weight has been pulled off my shoulders, and it feels wonderful.” He then chuckled. “Besides,” he continued as he adopted a more teasing tone, returning to his meal. “If things do work out tomorrow, then I’ll get to live the dream life Twilight always wanted but never quite got, which would serve her right.”
He took a bite of his meal, looking at Thorax for a beat, grinning, before the realization of what he just said sank in. “Wow,” he murmured, surprised at himself. “I’m rubbing in that of all things? That’s kind of…petty, actually.”
Thorax had adopted a serious expression. “You felt hurt by Princess Twilight’s role in your becoming cast out,” the changeling pointed out simply, having noticed this in Spike well before now. “So your first instinct is to sort of…lash back in some attempt to try and get even in some way…any way.”
Spike chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “Can you blame me?” he asked softly for a moment, his former cheer suddenly melting away as he thought back about the ponies he had once trusted in but now felt had all but betrayed him.
A morbid moment of silence fell between the pair.
“I’m probably like an open book to you, aren’t I?” Spike reasoned aloud.
Thorax glanced at him, his soft blue eyes conveying confusion. “How do you mean?”
“Well…your thing is emotions. You feed on it…taste it…heck, you can even smell it somehow. You probably can tell exactly how I’m feeling, what my mood is, at any given time.”
Thorax’s gaze wandered off the dragon, pondering the question. “It’s not so simple as that,” he admitted to his dragon friend. “I don’t think you realize just how much a flurry of emotions you, or anyone for that matter, can be at any time.” He fiddled with his hooves for a moment. “Ponies think the best way to hide their thoughts and feelings is to not show any emotions at all…but from my point of view, the better way is to show as much as you can, because then they all overlap and muddle together, and for a changeling like me at least, that’s very confusing. It’s difficult to pick out which one is key, the one core emotion you should associate with whoever it is that is demonstrating it. The one that has the real meaning for the moment. Plus, emotion doesn’t necessarily reflect one’s intents or thoughts. Someone might be feeling sad and driven to tears when thinking about what would be seen as a happy thought, for instance.”
Spike pondered this for a long moment. He then asked the question he wasn’t sure he actually wanted answered. “What sort of emotions am I feeling right now?”
Thorax hesitated to respond for a long moment, looking at Spike with a look that was silently asking if it would really be wise for him to answer that. But finally he gazed at his hooves, collecting his thoughts. “Joy,” he listed off at first, starting with the positive. “Love. Kindness. Optimism.” He glanced up at Spike with an almost apologetic look before continuing. “Frustration. Rejection. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Hatred.” A pause as Thorax debated to himself before finishing the list. “…and loneliness.”
Spike was silent for a very long moment afterwards. He snuffled his nose and wiped at it with the back of his arm. “All that at once, huh?”
Thorax shrugged. “To be fair, some are far greater in strength than others which are more…whispers…at the moment…and some sort of…pulse…over time.” But then he nodded. “But yes. They’re there. All at once.”
Spike thought about that telling thought for a second. “Huh.”
“You have to keep in mind that emotions are raw and in the moment though,” Thorax continued. “And they certainly don’t determine anyone by their presence alone.”
“I just hadn’t realized some of them were even there right now,” Spike confessed. He let out a shuddering sigh. “Sort of…humbling, in a way.”
Thorax made a comforting smile. “Don’t get too focused on them, though,” he advised by way of reminder. “As I said, it should be your actions that define you, not your emotions.” He paused then added, “Besides, you have a lot on your mind right now so…some of them are understandable for you to be feeling right now.”
Spike went quiet again as he stared at his meal, not having taken a new bite of it in a while. “What are you feeling right now, Thorax?” he asked suddenly.
The changeling was caught off guard by the question, and momentarily was unsure how to answer. “It’s a bit harder for me,” he admitted finally. “I’m less aware of my own emotions than those around me. It’s more just background noise that you learn to…tune out.” He considered the question a moment longer. “But I suppose I feel not dissimilar to you for the most part.”
Knowing some of the things that were making himself feel like he was, this got Spike thinking. “Back in your hive,” he began. “Did you have to leave behind any fellow changelings behind that were close to you? Family? Friends? Well not friends, or you wouldn’t be out here in the first place…but…you know, things like that.”
“Sort of…we don’t really socialize with each other in the same way. In the hive, you interact with someone when needed, like to ask a question, or help complete a task, or receive instruction on what to do. Beyond that…you’re left to yourself most of the time. So I didn’t really have any of that to worry about when I left the hive. That was part of the point, actually.” He waved one hoof vaguely about himself. “I see these ponies of Equestria and all their families and friendships, and I can’t help but think how we changelings don’t have anything like that…and I think we’re the worse off because of it. Equestria has something we don’t. Something important. And I would love to be able to bring that back to the hive and show the other changelings that maybe we should be like that too. Make them see the benefits of that way of life.” He then shook his head. “No, the only thing I remember really bothering me greatly was the fact that I left the hive very consciously aware I was also betraying my queen.”
Spike nodded his head. “Queen Chrysalis,” he murmured.
Thorax nodded back. “But even for her I can only find so much concern. There are times when she means well, of course. Times when you can see that really does want the best for the hive and its future. But Queen Chrysalis…is not a forgiving queen. She likes to hold grudges. Long grudges. And sometimes about things that, in the long run, seem more insignificant. So I admit, there are times where I feel like any grief my betraying the hive gives her just…serves her right.”
Spike gazed at Thorax in sympathy. “That sounds…miserable.”
Thorax nodded sadly for a moment, but then he abruptly looked up at Spike and grinned. “But you know what? Despite everything, and being on the run as a banished outcast in both my hive and Equestria…in some ways I’m more…pleased with life now than I ever was before.” His grin grew. “At the very least, I’ve got you as a friend. Couldn’t ever claim that before now.”
Spike grinned too. “No, I suppose you couldn’t.”
They were silent for a moment again, Spike finally returning to his meal to finally finish it off. Thorax yawned suddenly. “Well, not much point dwelling on all this gloomy stuff right now anyway,” he muttered then nodded to Spike. “Since we need to be up early, I’m going to call it an early night.” Pulling out his cloak and wrapping it around him like a sort of nest, he started to settle down, curling up into a ball. “Good night, Spike.”
Spike watched his friend settle down as the changeling let their magical light go out. “Good night, Thorax.”