//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: The Response // Story: Star Wars: The Snuggle Protocol // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// 2 days later The soap sat on the table in front of them, no more menacing than it had been when they found it. Twilight and her friends still stared at it, arranged in a half-circle as if studying an alien artifact, which technically it was. For all of Twilight's examining though, it appeared to be just an ordinary bar of soap. "I haven't found any other places that sell soap like this, so it seems that they were making them in that pyramid-thing," Rarity said. AJ still eyed the bar skeptically. "Seems like a whole 'lotta trouble just for a buncha soap bars," she remarked. "WAIT!" Pinkie exclaimed. She reached out with her hoof and lifted it up. "Oh, sorry. Thought I saw something. False alarm." "All the forest critters were scared of whatever they were doing," Fluttershy said. "But none of them seemed to be afraid of the soap bar. I hope whatever was frightening them is gone." Twilight nodded. "Whatever they may have been up to, I hope it's over with now." "What're we gonna do with the soap? Or about that huge hole where the building was?" Rainbow asked. "The Rebel Alliance said they were sending in a team to handle it, so I guess we can talk to them when they get here," Twilight said. "Alright," AJ said, leaning back in her chair. "Y'all wanna get something to eat while we're here?" "Not really." They were at the local Freddy Fazbear's Pizza in Ponyville, a family-themed pizza restaurant they used as a meeting place recently. Their usual meeting place, Sugar Cube Corner, was frequented by stormtroopers and thus made it difficult to speak freely. Most ponies didn't even visit Fazbear's Pizza because the place was so creepy but neither did the Empire, so it was fine for their needs. Unfortunately, it was even creepier than the building they'd blown up two days ago but they tried really hard not to think about that. The front doors of the pizza parlor burst open. "What's up?! How you guys doing, y'all enjoy the fireworks?" Grex asked, the first through the door. Rena thwapped her wingman with a rolled-up paper. "Shut. The hell up, Grex." "Geez, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can't a guy celebrate pulling off a mission?" "A secret mission," Sonder, Gold-Two corrected. "Which may fail if the "secret" part is lost." "Not to mention the whole town's full of stormies," Avin, Gold-Four added. "And they're probably on the look out for us considering how much damage we've caused," Payday, Gold-Nine added. Payday was actually a clone pilot, CP-7981 an actual Jango Fett clone from the Clone Wars still flying his BTL-B Y-Wing. The fact he survived and defected to the Rebel Alliance was impressive enough, and he didn't need his wingmen putting that in jeopardy. "Exactly. We're surrounded by people who wanna kill us and anyone we don't know might want to tell them we're here," Rena said. "So keep your mouth shut." "Fine, fine, but you can't stop me from smiling about it. Hey guys!" "Hey," Twilight said, greeting the twelve bomber pilots. "So what did you guys think? Do we deliver or what?" Grex asked. "You... certainly did do that," Rarity said. "All we found was this soap, though," Twilight said, levitating up the bar for them to see. "Was this really all they were doing in there?" "Eww," Grex said, looking at it. "The Imp logo on it has a heart in the middle. That's just creepy." "As far as we can tell, it seems all they were manufacturing is soap," Rena said, sitting down on the opposite end of the table with her squad. "The Rebel Alliance is still very grateful for your assistance." "Woo-hoo... yeah," Rainbow said, half-enthusiastically. "We really got their... soap." "Hey, you might not think it's that much but that's how it starts. One day, they're making evil soap and the next, evil shampoo," Grex said. "Has Commander Reknaw checked in?" Rena asked. Twilight gestured over her shoulder. "He's in the bathroom." As if on cue, the sound of a toilet flushing drew their attention to the squadron's advisor in the restaurant's restroom. It managed to silence them and they sat awkwardly as they waited for their commander to join them. Kabeze, a green bear wiping a glass even noticed the noise. "Ah, you've all arrived. Good, good," Commander Reknaw said, adjusting his gloves. The rebel officer spoke with a thicker British accent than even some of the Brits in the alliance. His tone was more upper-crust because he was supposedly an Imperial defector, having turned shortly before Yavin. There was a chair saved for him but he chose to stand, walking around to the head of the table to address them. They all noticed his shirt was untucked and he appeared to be sweating for some reason. "Commander. We were just going over the details of the raid with Twilight's ground team, sir," Rena explained. "We've just received more information about the operation," Reknaw said. "I'm afraid the situation is a bit more complicated than you realize. Have any of you seen the news?" They all leaned forward. "No... what did we miss?" The commander turned on the overhead t.v behind them. It played a recording of a broadcast from just last night. On the television screen, the leader of the Imperial Garrison on Equestria stepped in front of a blue curtain. "Good evening and welcome to Late Night, I'm Jimmy Fallon and if I seem like a nervous, less-charismatic version of any comedian, it's only because I am." "Haha, that's actually kind of funny," Grex said, laughing. He was the only one that did, though. "Fortunately, we still have better jokes than him, or at least better writers. But hey, at least I can swap working for the corrupt overlords at MSNBC to working for people who really care like in the Galactic Empire." Rena rubbed the side of her temple. "You can skip the monologue, if possible. Sir." "Actually, I can't," Reknaw admitted. "The show may be from last night but the rewind doesn't work." "Oh..." And so, they had to watch most of Jimmy Fallon's show until he finally got to a point where he talked about something relevant. "Now, I know we don't normally spoil surprises around here but as many of you know, there was a rebel attack last night. This weekend was supposed to be the start of our new "Get Clean with The Empire" campaign but the attack unfortunately destroyed our new Equestrian Environmentally-friendly decorative soap factory." On screen, a picture of a bright pink cake-shaped building was Photoshopped over the black pyramid they'd destroyed in the middle of the green valley. The picture shifted as Jimmy talked, showing the stormtroopers running as Y-Wings parachuted rebels that attacked the factory, setting it on fire. The cake-shaped factory burned to the ground and several CGI models of Counterstrike characters stood around urinating on the ashes. "Oh, COME ON!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "It didn't look anything like that when we blew it up!" "It's likely this cowardly, heinous, evil and downright mean attack has set back the Empire's efforts to help everypony make hygiene easier with its new decorative soap line. The factory was completely destroyed by these cruel, cleanliness and freedom-hating rebels and resulted in the deaths of all the valiant stormtroopers stationed there and countless innocent puppies." "NOOOOOOO!!" Pinkie wailed, "Not the puppies!!" But even Fluttershy wasn't fooled by the deception. "I don't think there were actually any puppies there, Pinkie." "Oh. Can we get puppies then?" "This is absolutely ridiculous," Rena said. "They're blaming us for destroying things that weren't even there." Twilight's expression turned to one of deep concern. Her eyes were fixated on the soap. "But you did destroy something. The only thing that's left of that factory is a huge crater and the only evidence left is... soap." "Precisely," Commander Reknaw said. "And unfortunately, we don't have any proof you didn't vaporize a plethora of pups in the raid so it's a possibility at least some in Equestria will believe you did." Grex covered his head in his hands. "They're gonna hate us. We're puppy murderers." The recording continued. "And now, to talk about our response to the rebels, I present to you the Imperial governor of Equestria! Phillies and gentlecolts, here's Grand Moff Dinkleberg!" Jimmy stepped back and the blue curtain parted, revealing a gray-haired man drawn by Butch Hartman wearing the standard gray Imperial officer's uniform like Jimmy himself. "Well, hi there, neighbors!" "DINKLEBERG!!" Timmy's Dad, Gold-Eight exclaimed. "I know those rebels might've roughed us up a bit but I'm here to say that all of us in the Galactic Empire are still supporting you. We're still strong and we've got great things planned for everypony here in Equestria. A silly little thing like one of our factories exploding isn't going to get in our way, no sir! As far as those rebels are concerned, we're gonna teach them a lesson, by golly and have a lot of fun doing it, too." "I... I've never been threatened by 'fun' before," Grex said. "Yeah, I don't like the way he says fun," Applejack remarked. "So, the Empire's continuing its Hugs for All Initiative as part of the Announced Area Affection Application program of regulation eye-dash-six-oh-six-one-dash-bee. And this weekend, we're proud to announce our first Imperial Affection Day Parade! This event, as you'll read about in your Imperial handbook, is the first of our many new Affection programs designed to strengthen the bond between citizen and government. There will be fun, games, rides and even a raffle all this weekend! And none of those naughty rebels are invited!" "We're not invited?" Avin asked. "That's all? We can't come to their fair?" "I don't know if this is a joke or what. It doesn't make sense at all," Rena commented. "Oh believe me, it's real," Commander Reknaw said. He held up a letter. "I already received my invitation. It's clear they don't realize my allegiance has changed though I don't know for how much longer that will be. At any rate, whatever's happening this weekend doesn't seem like something they want us around for." "So, what do we do about this?" Rena asked. "And also sir, the raid? Was there any more information about what we bombed?" He shook his head. "Rebel Command had high confidence that facility was a weapons refinery. Its specifications match other, similar outlets but honestly, it doesn't make any more sense to me than you. Intelligence may have dropped the ball." "You guys told us it was an evil place," Rainbow said, accusing them. "That that thing was threatening Equestria." "Wait, why did we listen to you guys in the first place?" "Because we're nice and you like us," Grex said innocently. "No," Twilight shook her head. "No, that's not it at all..." Something felt off, off about this whole situation but she couldn't put her hoof on it. And it had something to do with that soap. "At any rate, the whole galaxy's found out about our raid and through the back channels, it's reached Rebel Command," Reknaw explained. "You blew up a decorative soap factory. That's what it looks like now, and because of this, our requisitions requests have been dropped to the bottom of the list." "Awwwwww," the pilots and Pinkie Pie for some reason collectively groaned. The commander held up his hand. "It gets worse. Because of this, in order to get sufficient funds and supplies, we've been forced to seek sponsorship. So, you're no longer Gold Squadron. You're the new Doritos Locos Bold Squadron." "Oh mai gawd." "You've gotta be kidding me," Grex said. "Yay, Doritos!" Pinkie cheered. "Also, as per Disney's regulations, the Y-Wing is now going to stand for the You're Welcome-Wing to coincide with the release of their new movie, Moana." Grex's head hit the table, followed by several others in the group. "The good news just keeps coming. What did General Kota say about this?" Reknaw shook his head. "General Kota is still with the task force in orbit and hasn't been briefed on the situation yet. I'm in command on the ground and your current orders are to investigate this party coming up. Any questions?" "Can we at least get some pizza while we're here?" "Dismissed." They all got up as a group and departed as quickly as they could. Pilots and ponies, all eighteen of them left the pizza parlor and proceeded into Ponyville proper. Gradually, Grex edged his way forward to the front with his squad leader. "So, what's the plan?" Rena looked around. Above them, hovering high above Ponyville was a Star Destroyer. A formation of TIE Strikers flew by and a group of pegasi followed them. "The Empire's wanting to be more affectionate with the locals. So, we act like locals, see if we can get invited to that party." "Uh-huh, okay, good idea," Grex nodded. "Um, how do we do that?" "We ask them." Behind the group, Twilight allowed herself to drift to the back of the formation to join her friends. "So, what's the plan, Twi?" AJ asked. "I... think we need to do some more information gathering of our own," Twilight said. "Starting with the one who told us to listen to the rebels in the first place." "And who was that?" Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Princess Celestia."