//------------------------------// // 18 // Story: Happiness Is What You Make Of It // by Nameless Narrator //------------------------------// The knocking on my door is firm and clear this time. Unlike the nurse, the knocker doesn't wait and opens soon after. "I'm glad you are awake, Greyscale," doctor Clear Insight levitating a notepad enters. Just like the nurse, he examines all the beepers and boopers around, including taking a quick look at the hanging clock- "Ai deednt doo anyteenk dis taim." -and eventually sits down on a chair which floats next to my bed during the doctor's initial observation. Unicorns are pretty amazing with the things they can do using magic. I mean, Stitches is a talking plushie but a unicorn like doctor Clear Insight, I bet he could enchant the chair to take my temperature. "I apologize for being overly cautious, Greyscale. I trust you, but there are your parts which make me doubtful. The dangerous parts." "Ai woodnt hurt a flai," I pout. "You did hurt yourself." Oh, right. Hehe, I've completely forgotten, what a silly dummy. "Ou. Ai maid a meestake, Ai nou," I hang my head low. "Admission is an important thing, but I would like to know why Stitches wanted you to hurt yourself. Have you managed to think of something since we met last time?" As much as I want to lie to him again, I think it would make things worse in the long run now. I mean, he's been nice to me ever since I arrived here. It's his job to help me and everypony else. On top of that, I now realize many patients here are sick like me and don't think properly sometimes. Poor ponies, temporarily dropping down to my level. I've been unfair to the head psychiatrist, and based on what? Only on one confused patient's theory about pills. On top of it, I can barely remember what I said last time and if I try to make things up I'll just tangle myself in lies. I'm not smart enough to do complicated things like keep up a fake reality. The best I can do is be honest and open and hope things work out. Maybe Quick Trick just misunderstood things like I did. Anyway, with Pyre's release being scheduled, I think I can lay my worries about doctor Insight keeping patients here longer than necessary to rest. If Stitches didn't really talk and some part of me I don't remember is really trying to hurt me then trusting him might be my best chance at getting better. "Ai... Ai... Ai wos scared of d yello peels," I mutter, making the doctor twitch backwards. "Bananas? Wait, come again?" Clear Insight pushes his glasses that slipped in his surprise back up. Alright, time to come completely clean. I just hope he doesn't get mad. Would he get mad and throw me out of this friendly place? I don't even have a box outside anymore, and it's snowing. Would Stitches try to hurt me again? No, no, no. Stitches can't be bad, Eclipse gave him to me. It's just my head. Eclipse gave him to me to protect me. "Ai wos told d yello peels wood meik mee eevn dummer den Ai alredy em, all woozy end sleepee. Ai thought eef Ai wos eevn more stoopid den Ai wood forget Eklips and evryponee and dat wood meik dem sad. Ai deednt wont anyponee to bee sad." I patiently wait for the doctor to chew through what I said. We haven't talked much in a while and he must have been talking to ponies who speak all smart so now he needs to adapt. Well, I should be the one adapting, but my mouth just jumbles everything no matter how much I try. I guess I simply can't become better, but thankfully the doctor is plenty smart for both of us. "You've been talking to Quick Trick, haven't you?" he sighs. I nod. "Yes, on d day Ai arraivd." He leans in, and I try to look as small as I can, then he pats my shoulder. "Greyscale, you must understand that many ponies here are confused like you are. Quick Trick is among those. He suffers from advanced paranoia, that means he believes ponies around him are trying to hurt him in some way, and that even items around him have been arranged in such way that he would be in danger. That's why he was let go from the Royal Guard. He simply couldn't work around ponies he was supposed to protect. Cases like his are difficult to treat, because most our non-invasive treatments require trust which he cannot sustain due to his condition." "But he had a big peenboard wit pictures end everyteenk." "Yes, we are letting him continue his imaginary investigation so that he works with us at least a little. It will take a long time for him to recover, but I believe we can do it. You have no idea how sorry I am that his involvement led to you getting this badly hurt." Quick Trick did say ponies were supposed to be here unnecessarily long. Was he basing it on himself having to stay here past his original treatment? "Ai... Ai dunno. Ai teenk mai head is all wrong. Ponees say teenks end Ai keep meesunderstandeenk. Ai burnd maiself end den Grey Shrain told me Ai got eet wrong. Ai beleevd Kwik Treek end Ai got eet wrong. Wen Ai trai to beleev udders Ai em wrong, end wen Ai traid to beleev mai hed Ai messed up too. Wat is reel end rait?" To my surprise, Clear Insight smiles, fiddling with his notepad into which his levitating pen keeps scribbling. "That is a difficult question, Greyscale, because I don't know from personal experience how you are feeling. However, I am here to help you. That is my life calling and my expertise, something you can trust," he scratches his head with his pen, "You know what? Just to ease your worries, I think I can prescribe different anti-anxiety pills. How about that?" "Reely?" "Of course. We use a variety of pills because not all patients can be given every single one. If you are worried about the yellow ones, we have a lot of different ones with similar effects. However, in cases like yours it help the most if you can face your fear directly and win." "Wot doo yoo meen?" "I mean that your condition, out of all the clues I've got up till now, is caused by some sort of deep and powerful fear. By running away from a minor part of your treatment you are only reinforcing that fear. However, if you can face a simple fear like this, you can move onto bigger things. Maybe if you grow enough trust in yourself then the block in your memory will melt and you will remember everything again." "So yoo meen det eef Ai eet d peels Ail remember everyteenk?" He chuckles. "It's not that easy, although in some difficult cases I wish it was. Anyway, you've been given the pills already multiple times, how come you are afraid now?" "Ai, umm, deednt teik dem." "What do you mean?" he asks, his glasses slipping off again, and looks at his notepad, "There isn't any mention of you refusing to take the pills." "Ai geiv uan to Dreezel, Ai glood uan too mai huf befor d haidra noticed." "Hydr- right, miss Chiseled Chin," he shakes his head, snickering, "Hydra." "Den Ai-" He raises his hoof to stop me recounting all the ways I avoided taking the yellow pills. "Greyscale, Greyscale... I was right about you. You really are a smart and resourceful pony." "Yor not mad?" "Mad at you? No. Mad at myself? Definitely so. I misjudged your condition which led to you hurting yourself. The fact that you managed to do all that under our oversight only affirms my original theory about you. I am at fault here. Still, I am slightly disappointed that you gave in to your fears. As I said before, I think something that happened to you prevents you from talking properly. Why? Maybe because your mind is so terrified that it made one more block for you so that you cannot even describe what happened. It is all about fear, fear you will one day have to face." Could I one day be a proper pony? Heheh, no, that is too much to ask, but I could definitely make it easier for ponies around me if I could at least speak like one. If the road to that starts with eating one pill then I should do that. I can't let a scary story haunt me forever. But Stitches said Quick Trick was right. On the other hoof, Stitches is not supposed to talk, and it's supposed to be all inside my head. My head that is scared of what Quick Trick's head made him believe. Taking a deep breath, I start shaking a little but say: "Ken Ai teik d yello peel nau?" Clear Insight's proud smile warms me up inside. "It would be a step in the right direction, but not now. We can't be giving you pills on an empty stomach." "Aim afraid mai hed will go wrong again eef Ai teenk too much 'bout eet." "Self-examination is good. Giving in to self-doubt is not, Greyscale. Believe in yourself, believe you can do it, and you will. Just to be sure, though, when your meal is ready I will be here personally to make sure you take all your pills, and I will stay with you as long as it takes for you to gather your courage again." "Tank yoo." "And to show that I believe in you, I will order your release from the infirmary back to your room in a day or two. You will have an escort at all times, and you will have to undergo a certain... arduous treatment, but I think keeping you confined into one room for too long is a bad idea." I don't like the sound of 'arduous', but I guess if it's necessary... "Will eet hurt?" "In order to block the influence of that part of the mind that is trying to hurt you, you must learn to ignore the voice." "But Steeches reely tolkd!" "I understand it felt that way, but I examined the plushie personally. It is not magical or anything else, as I stated before. We need to build negative reinforcement in you towards the voice telling you to hurt yourself. To do so, we will have to associate said voices with... unpleasant sensations." "So eets gonna hurt," I mumble. "Only a little, we don't want to harm you unless absolutely necessary, but it's going to freeze. Like I said when we last met, I believe hydrotherapy, while crude and straightforward treatment, could work in your case." "Haidra ter-a-pee? Ees miss Cheen gonna feed mee ais creem?" Clear Insight explodes with laughter. Oh well, I guess brain freeze isn't going to be too harsh since I don't have too much of it. "Ai laik vaneela...?" The elderly doctor just laughs and laughs and laughs. The hair on my back stands up. It's going to be strawberry, isn't it? MONSTERS!