Chapter 9: Risky Business
POV: Luke
Saturday - 17:55
Walking sucks, a lot. Jake's suggestion of staying the night at our camp started to seem more and more like a good idea.
Thalos and Jake were chatting idly about some or other bad decision Thalos had made,of which there seemed to be many. Every so often they'd bring me into the conversation, mostly to settle a disagreement. As I watched the two of them speak, I saw an odd bond between them, seemingly out of spite for their history.
“You know, I've been trying to figure this out, how exactly did you two become friends?”
They looked at each other for a moment, before Jake began speaking, “You know the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp?” I nodded, “Well, it was like that, except it involved a reel of solder and a sudden trip to the burn ward.”
I whistled, “That sounds like the perfect first impression.”
“It's about the best one to date,” Jake said, “you remember Greg?”
Greg... Greg… Nope, wait, yes. Didn't he...? “Oh… wow.”
“And then there's you,” Jake pointed out.
“Me? But we've never met before... well shit. That just begs the question of how you two are such good friends.”
Thalos chose that moment to speak up, “That's pretty simple actually, I'm the only one who can keep up with Jake's bullshit.”
“And I,” grinned Jake, “am the only one who doesn't literally explode when exposed to pure, unrefined TK.”
Of course, “That makes a lot of sense. However, where does that leave me?”
Jake stroked the starting hairs of his beard, “You’re probably going to end up being our public relations manager, seeing as I’m either an asshole or asleep, and TK’s… well TK.”
“So I have to make sure the ponies don’t hate you?”
Thalos flashed a thumbs up, “Pretty much!”
I’m so fucked.
After that the conversation petered out. Jake periodically checked on the Geiger, Thalos would occasionally pull some odds and ends from his backpack and make a note on his cellphone. I ended up dicking around with the arduino board mounted on my right forearm. Eventually I managed to assemble a basic GPS unit based off of dead reckoning.
Saturday - 18:25
By the time we stumbled back into camp, the sun had already dropped below the horizon.
“Cool,” announced Jake, “we're here. You two-” he suddenly stopped, lifting his hand. “There's something here. Spread out and check the shelters.”
“This is ridiculous why does trouble always find us?” moaned Thalos, “Why can’t it be a small fluffy FRIENDLY rabbit or puppy or anything that doesn't want to hurt me? Is that too much to ask?”
As we all spread out the only other noise than the wind and bushes was Thalos still mumbling under his breath, all armed and ready for a full on deathmatch.
I walked slowly over to the nearest shelter and peeked inside, shining the light from my cellphone over the interior. There was a flash of pale blue and yellow and I found myself sprawled out on my back.
“Found it!” I called, “Careful, it's a quick little bastard.”
“Got him!” yelled Thalos, just before a heavy thump echoed through the clearing, “Never mind.”
A brief scuffle erupted soon after, ending with a painful crunch. I swept my light over the area, stopping for a second on a dirt-caked Thalos before landing on Jake, who was standing calmly over the crumpled form of a pony wearing silver armor, emblazoned with crescent-moon sigils
“Titanium beats iron any day, dumbass.” he quipped, shaking his right hand.
“You remember what you said my job was? I don’t think that you should have punched that pony. Because generally people hate you when you punch them.”
“Iron still beats flesh though,” moaned Thalos while cradling his hand.
I burst out laughing and and Jake just stood there with face in palm...yet again.
I took stock of the situation: One triumphant physicist, two injured parties and nowhere near enough manpower to drag a horse all the way back to town. “I think that we’ll have to wait until he wakes up. I don’t think Princess Shouty would appreciate you leaving one of her guards in the wilderness.”
Jake huffed, “In that case, I recommend that you two collect the stuff that was left here and get ready to head out. In the meantime, I'll go find the nuclear spud chucker.”
“Wait, are we moving? I really don't want to move, I like this little place.” TK said with the most pathetic pleading face ever, before receiving a smack on the back of the head from Jake.
I shrugged, “Unless my memory is failing, this forest is full of stick monsters and other assorted nasties. You’re welcome to stay but don’t come crying to me when your insides are your outsides.”
“Whatever, I'm lazy and not really good for much outside of zany fun… And music! I like music!”
“Thalos?” Jake sighed, “Please shut up. You are giving me a headache. Would you just pick up our shit or something is going to kill you, and it won't be a forest thing! Play a song if you really must, but not too loud. If you get us attacked, I'm going to kneecap you so we can escape.”
“Any song requests?” asked Thalos, with a cocky grin plastered across his face.
“Whatever, really, no dubstep though,” with that Jake turned around and walked back into the forest.
POV: Jake
Saturday - 19:30
I scanned around the clearing for an hour or so, trying to triangulate the radiation put out by Thalos’ potato gun. Eventually I managed to find the vague direction it lay in, activated the Geiger counter in my arm and walked off, sweeping my arm back and forth to keep my bearings.
Thankfully, it didn't take long to locate my target. It was heavily dented, but otherwise intact. I picked it up and gave it a closer inspection, the barrel was made of aluminium with a breech loading slide, a 9kg gas bottle formed the water reservoir which connected to a scrapped radioisotope battery which would provide the heat to vaporise the water and fire the potato. All in all a decent design.
Carrying the cannon back into the camp, I was greeted by Luke, Thalos and the guard, lying comfortably around a small campfire.
“Found your cannon, TK,” I announced. The guard leapt up and faced me, a stern look on his face. I raised an eyebrow in response, balling my right hand into a fist.
“Sweet, how bad's the damage?” asked Thalos excitedly.
“Superficial mostly, shouldn't impact function for the most part. In any case, care to introduce me to our new friend?” I said gesturing vaguely at the guard.
The guard, to his credit didn't immediately refute me, “Lieutenant Blue Skies, Equestrian Lunar Corps. And you are?”
“Alternivity Deft, the dude who put that neat dent in your helmet. Engineer, physicist and…”
Before I could say more Thalos started speaking again.
“I wonder if it will have the same effect here in Cartoonia or whatever this place is called. Do you think the potato physics are the same? Do you think the physics in general are the sa…”
Before I had an aneurysm, I shut Thalos up with a swift palm to the back of the head, “I was talking, Thalos,” I scolded, before addressing the guard once more, “I apologise for my friend, he's a moron. As I was saying, I'm a very highly qualified scientist, and I assume the idiot and Locke have made their own introductions?”
Blue Skies nodded, “They have indeed, though, Thalos,was it? When Thalos warned me not to anger you, he made you out to be some sort of tyrant, but I've seen nothing that would lead me to think that.”
I chuckled slightly, “You'll have to forgive Thalos, he has a love of hyperbole. Mind you, I can be rather cruel, should you make a concerted effort to piss me off.”
Blue Skies gave me a harsh look, “Are you threatening me?”
“Not at all. I was only explaining a part of my behavior.”
“I'll take your word for it, but first I want to know something.”
“By all means, ask your questions,” I replied.
“How exactly did you make that dent in my helmet?”
“To put simply, the bones in my right hand and forearm are made of titanium, you were running quite quickly, and I had some rather steady footing, after that the laws of physics just did their thing.”
Blue Skies gave me a confused look, “What is titanium?”
I sighed and started to explain the properties and uses of titanium.