//------------------------------// // The Usage of Buck // Story: Ruined Forever: Season One // by Chapter 17 //------------------------------// "Big Mac, ah take full responsibility for mah part in this, bein' that the bet was half mah doin' and all, but to be perfectly fair ah don't think either of us anticipated Granny Smith's girdle havin' a secret button that made inch long spikes on the inside stab into the wearer while constricting to rib breakin' levels," Applejack said from her spot overlooking the harvest ready orchard. "Nnnnope," agreed a wide eyed Big McIntosh standing next to her with his midsection covered in lightly bloodied bandages. "Boy howdy was your granny into some shit back when she was a fine young piece a' filly! Heheheh!" Granny Smith chortled loudly from her spot on the porch. "We know Granny, stop tellin' us!" Applejack shouted over her shoulder before looking back to her brother. "Anyway, just rest up and don't you worry none Big Mac. This bumper crop of apples is gonna get harvested good and proper despite this injury located directly here," she continued prior to jabbing her hoof directly into Big Mac's injury. The wounded stallion winced, and then glared at his sister while covering his side with his back leg. "Sorry!" she apologized sheepishly. "So who'll replace me?" Big Mac asked while examining the vast sea of leaves and apples awaiting them. "Pardon?" "One of your friends'd probab-" "For shame Big Mac!" she interrupted whilst jabbing an opinionated hoof into his side, producing another wince and glare. "Sorry! But who exactly do you think you're talkin' to here? Ah can get this job done all by mahself!" ... "What." "You heard me!" "Ah heard you, but you're not talkin' any sense," he said quite bluntly, producing a scoff from his sister. "Why of all the...this is your sister Applejack, remember? The loyalest of friends and the most dependable of ponies?" she asked indignantly before jabbing him in the ribs again. "Dang it sorry!" "But still just one pony," he reminded her after wincing, starting to look somewhat irritated. "You and ah both know that there was a year when one pony cleared every apple in this here orchard Big Mac! Every!" Jab. "Single!" Jab. "One!" Jab. A scowling Big Mac proceeded to push her out of hoof's reach with a nudge from his back leg. "Aw dang it ah'm sorry big brother!" she apologized a third time. "We also both know he had to recover in the hospital after that, and we'd've all been homeless if he hadn't because that was the worst year the farm'd seen for decades," her brother countered firmly. "Just because we ain't fallen on hard times don't mean we can't make him proud Big Mac, and this year ah promise ah'm gonna! Why, ah'm so serious ah'll even seal the deal with the traditional Apple Family Hard-As-Yah-Possibly-Can-Promise-Buck-To-The-Ribs!" "WAIT-" ------{STATIC}------ Ruined Forever: Season One CRACK!!! The Usage of Buck ------{STATIC}------ "Why the buck do we even have that tradition?" Applejack asked nopony while watching the ambulance carriage pull away. "Oh well, no use cryin' over spilled marrow with all these apples to buck!" She hadn't gotten a chance to even do any bucking before the ground quaked beneath her and sent an apple tumbling down to hit her right on the head. "Geh! Hey quit that!" she yelled up at the tree in consternation. "Ah just swore on mah brother's ribcage that ah'll be the one to buck all these apples and ah don't need you messin' up mah promise ya hear?!" The ground trembled again and sent a second apple tumbling to the ground. "Ah just said-" A third apple hit her in the face and that was the exact point where she was completely done with any and all negotiations. "Alright that tears it! Somepony's getting a dose of the ol' Apple family elbow grease!" ------{STATIC}------ Rainbow Dash grumbled from her spot lying on her side atop a fluffy warm cloud, both fore legs still in casts with her long time friend Fluttershy at her side. "Um...I'm sorry Rainbow Dash, but Doctor Residence said no flying until the casts are off," the gentle yellow mare replied, having apparently understood her friend's grumbling noises. Rainbow Dash grumbled inquisitively. "Oh, I don't think it really matters that you don't use your legs to do it, flying makes motion all through the body and I imagine he's just a little bit concerned it will make something heal improperly," Fluttershy explained. Rainbow Dash looked up at her and grumbled hopefully. "No, I don't think it matters that you're getting your casts off next week either. Doctor's orders," Fluttershy reminded her. Rainbow Dash glared back down at the ground and grumbled bitterly. "Well, um, he has a limp, I really doubt he can bend his back legs in a way that would let him do that to himself. I don't think anypony can do it actually." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and grumbled in clarification, causing Fluttershy to widen her eyes and blush. "Oh, you meant the other kind of bucking..." It was at that point that the prone pegasus pony caught sight of a dust cloud on the horizon being kicked up by a sizeable herd of cows stampeding out of control right toward Ponyville! "Holy hay! Fluttershy! Help me up, I've got to warn the town about that stampede out there!" "Oh my goodness!" Fluttershy replied, moving to accomodate her friend's request and gently hoist her back onto her hooves. Rainbow Dash then took a deep breath and let out as loud a bellow of warning as she could manage! "STAMPEEEDE!!!" ... "WHAT?!" Pinkie Pie's voice yelled back from the distance. "I SAID STAMPEEEDE!!!" Rainbow repeated. "...WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU'RE TOO FAR AWAY DASHIE!!!" Pinkie shouted back once more. "Oh for the love of...Fluttershy, fly over there and yell at them that there's a stampede coming and they need to clear out right now!" she ordered after taking half a moment to think. "What?! Why me?!" Fluttershy asked, suddenly nervous at the prospect of drawing so much attention to herself. "I-I could just push you closer instead!" she suggested as she flew to the side of the cloud and began flapping with all her might! To her credit, Rainbow Dash displayed an impressive amount of patience as she stood there with an annoyed expression briefly indulging Fluttershy's valiant effort to move her cloud an entire two feet in ten seconds. "FLUTTERSHY!!!" she yelled rather than repeat her request in its entirety. The meek yellow pegasus let out a squeak as her blush deepened and she sped off toward the town to attempt to warn everypony. 'Attempt' being the key word. "Um, excuse me everypony, there's a big stampede of cows coming this way really quick and, um, we should probably move out of the way and-" "What? We can't hear you either Flyshy!" Pinkie Pie interrupted after everypony on the ground completely failed to make out what she was saying. This of course only made Fluttershy more aware of how the eye of every pony in the crowd was now transfixed upon her, causing her to withdraw into her mane slightly and lower her voice quite unproductively. "Oh um...sorry I...just wanted to um...t-tell everypone that th-there's a s-s-s-stampede on the way and-" "C'mon spit it out already we got better things to be doing with our day than this!" shouted a particularly impatient pony who was doubtlessly less important than he fancied himself. At that point Fluttershy had fully withdrawn behind her hooves and mane, only able to communicate via terrified squeaks and whimpers. "No no no, Fluttershy, you're still doing the quiet thing! You need to do the loud thing! LIKE THIIISSS!!!" Pinkie Pie screamed demonstratively causing the few ponies around her to flinch away and cover their ears while retreating. "SHE SAID STAMPEEEDE!!!" Rainbow Dash yelled from her distant cloud that was now turned rather dark from the sheer force of her anger. ... "WHAAAT?!" Pinkie Pie yelled back. Rainbow Dash proceeded to scream in unbridled rage as her cloud shot lighting in all directions. Thankfully the stampede that nopony but Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had yet noticed beyond all odds was stopped by the timely interjection of Applejack tackling the lead cow to the ground out of nowhere, prompting the rest of the herd to skid to a stop and moo in a panic before the cowgirl pony stood atop the prone form of the lead cow aiming a scowl at the lot of them. "YA'LL BE QUIET RIGHT NOW!!!" she bellowed, scaring the herd into silence and attracting the attention of every hoofed creatured in a two hundred yard radius. "Now, what the HAY are ya'll doing stampeding past mah family's orchard raising such a ruckus that the apples're fallin' off the dang trees before ah can buck 'em mahself?!" "Doesn't that HELP you?" asked one of the cows. "DID AH ASK YOU?!" "Well Mooriella-24 over there saw a snake and it just scared the willies outta her donchaknow?" answered another more helpful cow that was content to not overthink things. ... "24?" Applejack asked with a raised eyebrow. "Oh yeah, we ran out of cow pun names a while back and just started using them again with numbers," she explained. "That don't make a lick a' sense, AND STOP STAMPEDIN' PAST MAH ORCHARD!" Applejack commanded while stomping her hoof with authority! She then noticed the ponies watching. "And uh...through town ah guess." The crowd cheered uproariously for their savior and hero, approaching to lift her up and carry her away in celebratio- "Get yer hooves offa me, ah've got work to do!" Applejack warned them off before sprinting on back to Sweet Apple Acres. "So did you see any of that at all?" Spike asked Twilight who was seated across from him at the nearby outdoor diner intently reading a book as they waited for their food to arrive. ... ... ... "What?" Twilight finally asked as she snapped out of her reading trance. ------{STATIC}------ Pinkie Pie scrutinized the banner hanging above her with the well honed gaze of a professional party planner pony as it shimmered with a light blue magical aura. She squinted her eyes. Then tapped her chin thoughtfully. Then tilted her gaze. Then took a few steps to the left to view it at yet another angle. Then stepped back to her original position. Then she nodded. "Yep that is definitely an apple!" she confirmed happily. "You had me hold the banner for ten straight minutes in order to confirm that the apple on the front is an apple?!" Rarity questioned as her horn's light faded. "Do you have any idea how many other things I could've accomplished in that time?" "No but I can tell you you're going to accomplish a lot more in the time to follow by shutting up and doing it instead of sitting here complaining about the time you wasted as though it'll do anything," Twilight pointed out as she flipped through her index cards double checking the written contents. "By the way has anypony seen Applejack? It's going to be difficult to ride her popular coat tails to get the ponies of Ponyville to stop hating me if she's not here to wear the coat." "Now that you mention it, I haven't seen her all week!" Rainbow Dash replied as her cloud slowly floated through the air above. "Your legs are still in casts Rainbow Dash there are probably a lot of ponies you haven't seen all week," Twilight said dismissively as she made a small correction to one of the index cards. "Are you serious?! I have a hard enough time coping with not being able to fly or do anything for two weeks without you constantly giving me shit for it on top of-" The royal student's horn lit up briefly to give Rainbow Dash's cloud a firm magical push that sent it drifting away quite quickly until the pegasus pony's resultant outpouring of obscenities was drowned out by the sheer distance. "So I'm not going to suggest we directly break Rainbow Dash's legs, but I am going to strongly hint that maybe we place her in situations where she is likely to break her legs, because being able to do that to her for the past two weeks has been amazing," Twilight did not suggest because that would be awful if she'd actually done that. "I find it morally repulsive to agree yet cannot quite bring myself to disagree," Rarity did not reply because that would be almost as awful as what Twilight had completely not suggested previously. "Yeah you would find it hard to disagree with breaking legs wouldn't you?" Twilight sneered with narrowed eyes. "Hrm?" "Nothing!" "Oh, well then, I wouldn't worry about Applejack if I were you darling. In all the time I've known her she's proven most punctual," Rarity assured her fellow unicorn friend as Fluttershy saw that Rainbow Dash's cloud was now several football fields away and gave a weary sigh before pursuing it. "Really? We're not even going to do a basic bit of checking on her just to make things go smoothly? It's not that long a walk to Sweet Apple Acres and we'd only have do it once. Hell we could send literally any pegasus and they'd cut the hour walk down to maybe ten minutes there and back," Twilight proposed. "No no no Twilight, we can trust Applejack to show up on time. Why, I believe she would take it as an insult if we did check on her," Rarity countered. "It's not like I'm attempting to impugn her character, it just seems like a basic good idea for making sure everything goes to plan when everypony's watching later," Twilight said with a roll of the eyes. "I'm afraid it will probably be taken that way regardless of intent darling," Rarity assured her with a resolute nod provoking a sigh from her fellow unicorn. "Fine. I won't go to check on her, or ask anypony else to check on her, but I really think you're assuming a lot on Applejack's part here." ------{STATIC}------ "As you all surely remember, one week ago today the town was beset by a rampaging herd of cattle from which my very close friend who holds quite a high opinion of me saved us. It is therefore on this day we have all assembled to-" "GET OFF THE STAGE!" a pony in the crowd kindly suggested as Twilight stood at her place on the podium above. "DO YOU UNGRATEFUL WORMS KNOW HOW LONG I WOULD'VE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL IF THE ELEMENTS HADN'T RESTORED THE DAMAGE NIGHTMARE MOON DID TO ME WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOUR-" Twilight snapped before stopping, taking a breath, and recomposing herself before resuming. "What I meant to say is that Applejack is an amazing mare who recently went so far as to display her dedication to the greater good of all by offering to lay down her life in defense of me, because with her down home wisdom she was able to see something in me that apparently everypony else in town has failed to pick up o-" There was suddenly a flurry of pink and index cards went flying everywhere as Pinkie Pie popped up between Twilight and the podium, sending her carefully written and edited speech notes scattering to the winds. "Today is the day that Mr. And Mrs. Cake have finally gotten desperate enough to agree to letting me run Sugar Cube Corner while they're off on a catering job, and Applejack was nice enough to agree to help-" "Pinkie?" Twilight interrupted in a deadpan fashion. "Yes?" The most distant onlookers were then treated to the sight of a pink dot being magically flung through the air away from the town hall at high speeds whilst letting out a gleeful "WEEEEE!!!" "Now as I was-" Twiligh began whilst trying to gather the various index cards that were now drifting downward in the air. It was for naught though, as she was superceded a second time by Rainbow Dash and her Fluttershy powered cloud. "Later on today that dickhead Doctor Residence is going to finally take my casts off and AJ is going to help me get back in the swing of things 'cus she's awesome like that!" Rainbow Dash proclaimed, brimming with the anticipation of getting her mobility back! Twilight scowled as her notes were only more thoroughly scattered. Her horn began to glow brighter before she- "Wait! She's still recovering Twilight!" Fluttershy plead as she moved herself between Twilight and Rainbow Dash defensively to keep her from flinging the pegasus into the wild blue yonder. The irritated unicorn let out an aggravated sigh and merely magically nudged the cloud off to the side of the stage. "But, um, actually I wanted to also tell everypony that Applejack is going to come help me with the bunny cen-" The most distant onlookers were then treated to the sight of a yellow dot being magically flung through the air away from town hall at high speeds screaming in utter terror. "Now as I keep trying to say-" "I can't believe you did that to Fluttershy! Isn't she one of your friends?!" scoffed one of the ponies in the crowd, cutting Twilight off yet again. "And after all the trouble she went to alphabetizing your library for you!" scolded another. Twilight's right eye twitched, the seething unicorn now only able to speak through her teeth. "First of all, that is not how you organize a library, secondly-" "I would also like to interrupt you, while at the same time wishing you good luck with assaulting an elected official," the mayor said whilst smiling smugly at the social pariah currently about to burst into flame at the podium. "BUCK! BUCK IT! BUCKING...BUCK!" Twilight swore loudly as she ripped apart her index cards, tossed the bits of paper into the air, and then lit them on fire with such intensity as to render them to ashes inside of two seconds as she stormed off of the stage to the crowd's applause. The mayor adjusted her collar briefly before taking Twilight's place at the podium and briefly clearing her throat. "As you my recall, one week prior a local mare we all know and love saved the entire town from disaster despite the failure of our weather ponies to provide adequate warning," she began, the crowd responding with generally displeased murmurs of agreement. "We tried as hard as we could, buck all of you!" Rainbow Dash said while glaring back at the assembled citizens. "OooOOOoooh!" Pinkie replied with a half lidded gaze at Rainbow Dash, suddenly present despite having been launched miles away moments prior. "Not like that," Rainbow hastily clarified. "Awww..." "Today, we honor her bravery and commemorate her heroic deeds by presenting her with this trophy, conferring upon her the title of Town Pony! Now I am proud to present the ever dependable and punctual Applejack!" the mayor continued, a raise of her hoof signalling the ponies backstage to pull open the curtains. Nopony was there. ... "You know, after the fiasco at the Summer Sun Celebration I had assumed the ponies in charge of setting all this up would have had the foresight to check that the guest of honor was both present and behind the curtains before the proceedings began," the mayor lamented. "GOD DAMN IT RARITY," Twilight shouted from the back of the audience because of course nopony was about to allow her to move to the front. ------{STATIC}------ Applejack let out another lengthy yawn before closing her eyes and starting to snore a few moments. She then popped back awake and shook the fatigue out of her head to earn another few seconds of productive consciousness. After somewhat clumsily stumbling over to a nearby apple tree beneath which she had arranged all the necessary baskets, she turned and delivered a buck in its direction only to miss and stumble back a few steps. "D-dang it," she mumbled before yawning and falling asleep on her hooves once more. SUDDENLY TWILIGHT! "APPLEJACK WHERE THE BUCK WERE YOU?!" Twilight roared as she loudly burst into existence directly in front of her dozing friend via teleportation spell. Applejack let out a terrified exclamation as she reared up on her hindlegs before falling back onto her rump, having to then look up and blink a few times before the shape she saw resolved into something recognizable. "What in...Twilight Sparkle? What the hay are you doin' here and what're you talkin' about?" she asked in a daze. "I'm talking about the award ceremony for Town Pony! You were supposed to be there to play me up so the rest of the town wouldn't hate me anymore...and accept a trophy for something you did I guess. But you ruined the whole thing by not showing up!" ... "Well okay I'd done that anyway by losing my patience and flipping my shit again but still!" "Aww land sakes sugar cube ah'm real sorry, ah just been so busy with harvestin' this years crop that ah plum forgot," she apologized as she meandered over to the next tree. Another one of her usually precision bucks managed to not only miss the tree, but also knock over an already filled basket of apples. She was unable to curse very loudly, but what she muttered after catching sight of the apples scattered on the ground made her glad Applebloom was not around to possibly hear it. Twilight teleported in front of her a second time, giving her another miniature heart attack before replying. "Yeah well you're not the one that just made an ass out of herself in front of the entire town!" she persisted as Applejack stumbled past her. "Also, no offense," she added for the sake of a nearby mule that happened to be standing around in the orchard for no apparent reason. "Technically I'm not an ass to begin with so-" "Ya'll shouldn't...worry...so...mu...mmmuuu..." Applejack dozed off yet again mid sentence. Ever the considerate mare, Twilight woke her up with a bright and noisy teleport for a third time. "What is wrong with you? It's like you're drunk and sober at the same time," she asked, having finally cooled off enough to notice her friend's off kilter disposition. "And why the hay do you gotta keep teleportin' instead of just walkin' a few dang hoof steps like the rest of us?!" the farm pony spat back irritably, having just been scared back into the apple tree she had been trying to buck. "Because I'm pissed, have a metabolism that outputs way more magical energy than I casually consume, and practicing spells helps me simultaneously cool off my mood and my magic so that I don't literally catch fire," Twilight answered curtly. "I answered your question, now you get to answer mine!" Applejack's face softened and she let out an exhausted exhalation. "Truth be told Twilight, ah've been up ever since the stampede last week buckin' these here apples." The lavender unicorn's eyes widened and a blush spread across her cheeks as she backed away a few steps. "You've been doing what to apples?!" "Uh...buckin' em?" Applejack replied with an eyebrow raised at her friend's rather odd response. Twilight blinked a bit nervously and averted her eyes. "I um...okay, that's a bit much to be sharing with platonic friends so soon, but I guess I've heard of stranger." "The hay is so strange about this?" Applejack queried as she managed to finally nail a buck on the nearby tree causing apples to fall into the baskets set up below. "Oh...oh! You meant that kind of bucking!" Twilight said with some amount of relief. "Obviously. What other kinda buckin' is there?" ... The blush on Twilight's face only intensified as she bit her lip and looked around in nervous silence hoping against hope that Applejack was too exhausted to connect the- Applejack gasped in shock and then scowled at her friend. "Twilight what in tarnation are you implyin'?!" "I'm sorry! I'm not implying anything! It's just that 'bucking' is also a euphamism for-" Twilight started to stammer. "How would somepony even do that anyway?!" the exhausted mare asked hypothetically as she brought a hoof to her suddenly tightly closed eyes. "I uh...I guess if somepony was holding a knife to your throat and ordered you to do it you could push one-you know what that's not important right now! What is important is that you've stayed awake for over a week! What, are you doing the entire orchard by yourself or something?" Twilight asked sarcastically because that was obviously a ridiculous thing to attempt. "Yes," Applejack answered plainly. ... Twilight blinked. "Why?!" "Ain't nopony else here that can do it, so ah gotta do it mahself." "Look, Applejack, I could probably clear the entire orchard in about," she paused and looked around to do some mental math, "three minutes? Probably two if Rarity was here to help. But to expect an earth pony with no powers of mass levitation to be able to get every apple tree on your property harvested by themselves is completely insane! You need to get some help!" "Pfft, shows what you know Twilight Sparkle. Ah'll have you know mah Pa did just that one year!" Applejack retorted. "Oh yeah? So where is he now? Shouldn't he, and your mother for that matter, be here helping you?" "Uh..." Applejacks ears lowered solemnly. "About that-" "I mean what kind of irresponsible ponies would just leave their daughter here to do everything on her own after not even showing up for the family reunion?" Twilight pondered aloud with a furrowed brow. Applejack frowned. "Now hang on just a dang minute Twilight-" "For that matter why don't they have the good sense to be here at such a critical time for the family business? As soon as I meet your apparently deadbeat parents I'm going to give them a piece of my mind about such absentee parenting and business management, although from what I know of them so far they're not the kind of ponies you'd want to have around anyway!" Twilight continued bitterly. "Alright, that's it!" Applejack was suddenly more angry than tired. "Get yer keister off mah family's property right now!" she demanded while pointing a hoof toward the nearest property line. Twilight grumbled but did as requested and started walking away. "Fine, work yourself half to death instead of asking for help for no good reason, see if I care. I've got better things to be doing today anyway." Applejack glared after her until she was out of sight, then looked down at one of the stray apples on the ground. ... She shivered in disgust and then placed the apple back into one of the baskets. "Hasn't been a dang month yet and already that girl's been around Pinkie Pie too long." ------{STATIC}------ "That was so embarassing," Twilight groaned in humiliation as she laid there on the library balcony with a pile of books next to her. She was silent a few moments before raising her head off the floor with a thoughtful expression on her face. Following a brief search of the books stacked to her side she found the dictionary and began to idly scan through it. "Miscommunications like that with the word 'buck' happen far too often now that it's gained so much traction as a euphamism for intercourse. Granted, that's just a consequence of the fact that language evolves, but this is playing havoc with everyday innocent conversations, so maybe it should start evolving in a new direction for this little detail. There has to be some other word that more clearly presents as a general usage obscenity without losing the linguistic impact of 'buck'. 'Rut' sounds far too clinical in comparison, doesn't have even a fraction of the impact...and off the top of my head all the other words we have for that are even more inadequate for this purpose. Could it be that we just don't have a word like the one I'm looking for yet?" Twilight frowned and closed the book, setting it back atop the stack before resting her head on her folded forelegs, allowing herself to get lost in thought for a while longer before resuming her utterance of those thoughts aloud. "I'm probably wrong...but if I just assumed I was right, what kind of word would I create for this purpose that would be good enough to take over for 'buck'? The word's already so good for it, which is obviously why it took off like it did...but then again the word's impact doesn't come from just one part of it. What if I made one simple change...even something as simple as altering the first letter? What letter would I use in that case though? The sharp B sound really works well with the even sharper CK sound...cuck is already a word...so is tuck...luck...muck...puck...suck...duck. Hrm, I need something else. Something that flows as opposed to being sharp to differentiate this new word from 'buck'...something like-" "FFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAALLIIIIIIIIING!!!" Rainbow Dash cried out from above seconds before she landed directly on the balcony railing that bent her in two with a gut wrenching crunching noise. On the brighter side of things, her casts were both off now! "Rainbow Dash?! What the...uh...juck happened?!" Twilight asked the pegasus who groaned pitifully before letting out a few painful sounding coughs. "J...juck?" Rainbow asked before having another coughing fit. "Uh, nevermind, would you mind explaining why you crashed into my library again?" ------{STATIC}------ "Okay AJ, now that I'm out of my casts as of about ten minutes ago you can help me jump right back into doing the most awesome and dangerous stunts that anypony has ever seen!" Rainbow Dash proclaimed to a tired looking Applejack from her spot standing triumphantly atop a seesaw. ------{STATIC}------ "You just got out of casts and you're already back to stunt flying?!" Twilight scoffed. "Hey, Doctor Residence said it was okay!" Rainbow Dash responded in her defense. ------{STATIC}------ "Even though the casts are off you need to keep in mind that you're not completely mended yet. Your bones are functional for the usual walking and flying, but they're not quite at one hundred percent yet. Take it easy for the next couple days. You should be fine after that," the doctor advised while giving Rainbow Dash's x-ray charts a final look. "So I'm clear to go do extreme stunts now?!" she asked hopefully. "..." Doctor Residence sighed wearily. "Yeah, sure, that's exactly what I meant by 'take it easy' you idio-" "Coolthanksbye!" Rainbow Dash sped out the nearby window leaving naught but a rainbow trail behind. ------{STATIC}------ "Rainbow Dash, he was using sarcasm!" "Then he was doing it wrong because I've had one of those before and this time didn't feel nearly as good, or good at all really. I was completely apple static to the whole thing!" The pegasus was then taken by another coughing fit, followed by looking down at the hoof she'd been coughing into with some alarm. "Is this blood?" "You mean 'apathetic', and how can you not know what sarcasm is?! You use it all the time!" "Oh yeeeaaah Twilight, I use it aaall the tiiime," Rainbow replied with a roll of her eyes. "You're using it right now! God nevermind just tell me what happened next," Twilight requested with a hoof on her forehead to try and massage away the incoming headache. ------{STATIC}------ Applejack laid on the pavement, the impact of her most recent fall having temporarily flattened her much like all the previous attempts that by now had left a collection of impact marks on the cobblestone. "I don't understand. All you had to do was fall directly downward. Gravity literally does all the work! How did you break gravity?!" Rainbow pondered in disbelief. Applejack pulled her face free before shaking off the daze still lingering in her skull. "Uh, not to bring yer competence into question or nothin', but are ya sure ya factored the massive difference between pegasus and earth pony weight? Ah might just send ya flyin' all outta control if ya didn't." "Come on AJ, who do you think you're talking to? I've totally thought this through, you can trust me!" ------{STATIC}------ "And then she trusted me." "Which she never would've done if she wasn't off her rocker with sleep deprivation, and I'm a mare who knows her sleep deprivation," Twilight proclaimed with a stomp of her hoof. ------{STATIC}------ "So...Twilight...let it be known that I do appreciate scholarly diligence but...this was the book I assigned for the report on Monday." Celestia placed a decently thick tome upon the table. "This is the report you gave me." Celestia then placed a stack of hoof written papers next to it that was easily five times as thick. "Have you slept at all in the past five days?" she asked with some concern. "N-no don't worry teacher, I've got all the pots with the doorknobs on the catnip," the young filly Twilight Sparkle said prior to keeling over, making tiny snores of slumber as she snuggled up in what her little hooves could reach of her teachers flowing etheral mane. Celestia sighed and then smiled warmly at the sleeping filly. ------{STATIC}------ "Does the air taste like pennies to you too?" Rainbow Dash asked, now looking quite pale. "That tears it. I don't care whether or not Applejack wants me on her property or not, I am going to go over there and lecture her some more if she's going to let her crazy decisions mess up other ponies too!" Twilight resolved as Rainbow's cheeks puffed out. "Uh, we should probably take Rainbow Dash to the hospital first," Spike suggested as he emerged onto the balcony with Twilight's tea. "Spike, don't worry. There is nothing wrong with that pegasus," Twilight assured him. Rainbow Dash then vomited liters of blood all over the balcony. "Okay, something's wrong with that pegasus," Twilight recanted with a grimace as she backed away from the quickly growing puddle. ------{STATIC}------ "So hey, fun fact, Rainbow Dash almost died. As it turns out, even with the impact tolerance of a pegasus, you can still pretty much turn at least half of your internal organs into paste if you do something like concentrate all of that impact into a small area, like for instance landing abdomen first onto a thin balcony railing from an uncontrollable fall, the descent of which started only slightly above the ozone layer. Frankly I'm still amazed she wasn't just sheared in half. Fortunately for the sake of our kingdom's greatest weapon ever functioning again, and friendship I guess, the healing crystal at the hospital happened to be fully charged. There was a terminally ill newly single father of three who had recently lost his wife waiting for it, but he should be fine for another week while they recharge it," Twilight explained with a glare on her face and strained patience in her voice. Applejack had moments ago been reaching for an apple on the ground and become somewhat distracted by the fact that she had drifted out of consciousness prior to snoring through the lavender unicorn's expositing of previous events. Though Twilight knew on an intellectual level it was her own fault for neglecting to check if the farm pony was awake before speaking, she soon decided to blame in on Applejack anyway because that felt much better. "Wake up!" "BEH!" Applejack woke with a start, attempting to snap to attention and only managing to slam the back of her head into a low branch that a less sleep deprived farmer might have thought to prune before starting work. "I was trying to tell you that Rainbow Dash almost died!" Twilight repeated with far less verbiage and sarcasm. Applejack blinked her bleary eyes in confusion then proceeded to respond as though the two of them were shouting a conversation back and forth from opposite sides of a large field. "Hinge bow cash utmost fried? What does that even mean?!" Twilight growled and stepped closer before repeating herself even louder. "Rainbow Dash almost died!" "She only almost lied? Why come tell me?! Just 'cus ah'm the element of honesty it don't make me some kinda morality police! Was she lyin' about me or somethin'?!" "I said DIED!" Applejack's mouth fell open and tears formed in her eyes nigh instantly from the sheer devastation that suddenly struck her. "SHE DIED?!" Two purple hooves grabbed her by the head and turned it so that her ear was pointed directly at the frustrated friend that was now close enough to bite her. "ALMOST DIED!!!" "Oh thank goodness!" Applejack heaved a sigh of relief. "What'd ya scare me like that?!" she berated as a hoof wiped the moisture from her eyes. "And what the hay are ya yellin' for? Ain't like ah'm deaf or somethin'!" Twilight stood there staring rather intently at her friend as she did an admirable job fighting down the urge to strangle her until it had passed and left her able to speak again. "Because you're the one who almost killed her by trusting her dumb ass and jumping onto that seesaw as thought she knew what she was doing! It's going to take Spike days to get the blood puke stain out of the wood on the balcony and until that time I'm going to have to look at it! So for the love of pony, please just get somepony else to finish this up for you and go the buck to sleep!" The farm pony narrowed her eyes and scrunched her muzzle defiantly as though the mere idea of what Twilight had just suggested left the most sour of tastes in her mouth. "No." "Hell at this point, I could just do it for you. Three minutes from now, this entire orchard could be harvested, you could go to sleep, and I wouldn't even tell anypony that I had helped you, so you don't have to worry about this stupid pride you seem to derive from not asking for any help after your parents just leave their family here to-" "No, ah ain't doin' it Twilight Sparkle," Applejack interrupted with a snarl as she turned to make a dramatic exit that consisted of hitting the exact same branch again and then stumbling off to the side of it. "So long as there're apples on these here trees ah'm gonna keep on buckin' 'em! Now if you'll excuse me ah got apples to buck and ah believe ah already told ya to git off mah family's property!" she continued as she stumbled away, her firm words somewhat undercut by the way both eyes were briefly unable to find focus on the same point. "If you're going to be such a stubborn idiot about this at least cancel your other appointments! I've got importantl grammatical reasearch to be doing and the last thing I want to do is spend all day going around fixing your-" ------{STATIC}------ "-shit," Twilight deadpanned as she faced the emergency medical tent that had been hastily put up outside Sugar Cube Corner with Spike riding on her back. "So are you going to go in or what?" the baby dragon asked as she persisted in standing there. "How exactly am I supposed to help in a medical emergency again? I'm the royal apprentice, not a med student, I don't have any training!" Twilight asked again with a frown. "I doubt the pony that keeps the supply closets at the hospital stocked has any training either but they still appreciate having them around. Plus I'm sure the ponies here will probably appreciate you helping even the least bit here way more than they would appreciate you staying back in the library trying to invent a new swear word," Spike answered with arms crossed. It would be far from the first time he had played the role of Twilight Sparkle's shoulder angel...dragon...thing. The lavender unicorn grumbled quitely to herself but then mentally resigned to seeing this through, approaching the tent and pulling the tent flap back to see a good number of bed ridden ponies looking ill to the point of being green in the face. The motion also attracted the attention of the attendant nurse, a white coated, pink maned earth pony wearing the expected cap. "Twilight Sparkle?" Nurse Redheart raised an eyebrow, clearly puzzled at why such a well known pony non grata would suddenly be showing up in her tent during a medical crisis. "Yes, I uh...came to help as soon as Spike informed me that there was a situation at the bakery," Twilight answered wearing a forced smile. There was a brief moment of silence before the nurse's expression shifted, not quite to all out contempt, but there was a definite narrowing of the eyes as she regarded her with suspicion. "Why?" "Well, out of the goodness of my...my uh..." Twilight wilted, the smile fading as she realized her facade of enthusiasm was never going to fool anypony and would only make her look worse. "Look, I'm here, and I don't see any other ponies around helping you right now. Would you like help from me or not?" "Hrm..." Redheart let her eyes drift off to the side as she contemplated things for a moment. Twilight was sure she was about to get told to go home to the library where she had wanted to remain in the first place, but was inwardly dismayed when she heard the nurse relent. "Alright, I doubt the patients will feel very good about letting you help but I could use the extra hooves at the moment." "Okay. What do you need me to do? I could compile a list of symptoms and compare them to a diagnostic manual, analyze the camp and assemble a list of needed supplies to send out to Ponville General, gather and assemble insurance information, or even-" Redheart interrupted her by holding up a bucket. "Here's the puke bucket. I don't think I need to explain what it's for, but if I had somepony else taking it to the patients I would be able to get so many other necessary things done all the quicker." "The puke bucket? I voluntarily bring you the intellect so dizzying that Celestia herself took it upon herself to cultivate it, and you give me a puke buck-" Twilight began indignantly before Spike's hand placed itself firmly over her mouth for yet another of the interruptions that seemed to constantly be happening that day. "Could you give us a minute?" he asked. "Of course Spike," Nurse Redheart said with a warm smile and nod to the baby dragon. "What are you doing?" Spike asked Twilight in a harsh whisper. "What am I doing?! What is she doing?! I know I don't have any medical training but I'm still better than puke bucket duty! For...spuck's sake I helped save the entire world! She should be awestruck to be in my presence let alone being offered my help!" Twilight replied in just as harsh a whisper. "That one sounds too close to 'spunk'." "Damn it, you're right." "So you're telling me that if you could've seen into the future a few weeks ago, and seen that the ponies here wouldn't forget what you said about them and start worshipping you after you'd saved them, you wouldn've let everyone in the world freeze to death out of spite?" Spike asked pointedly. "Well obviously not Spike. 'Everyone' includes me, why would I essentially kill myself just to spite them?" "Exactly, and after what you said at Pinkie's party, is it too much of a stretch to imagine that everypony here just assumes you saved the world as a mere side effect of saving your own skin?" "Are you kidding me?! If all I had wanted to do was just save my own skin I would've teleported back here instead of staying to fight Nightmare Moon with my friends after she'd already made a gelatin dessert out of half of my skeletal system!" she reminded him. "Yeah, I know that, you know that, your friends know that, but how is all of Ponyville supposed to know that? To them you're still that mare that wants to petition to have their town flattened to make way for a parking lot first and the savior of the world second." Twilight rolled her eyes. "So then why did you even bring me here if my reputation with the town is already ruined forever?" "Because it isn't!" "Well for not being irreparably ruined it's kind of odd that I can't even offer to volunteer here without getting suspicious looks from the nurse like I'm plotting to rip gold implants out of her patients' teeth while her back is turned." "True, but she isn't throwing you out the second she sees you either." "Are you implying that my reward for saving the entire world is being allowed to start from zero like a nopony who hasn't accomplished even one hundredth of the academic achievements I've devoted my entire life to pursuing, arguably at the expense of my own sanity?!" "Yes, you're being allowed to start from zero, but it's still a huge deal because you're being allowed to start there after having been at negative twelve bazillion after what you said at the party!" Twilight inhaled to speak. "And don't just say that that's not a real number!" "I wasn't!" Twilight scoffed. ... "Okay fine I was," she admitted, "but still, the puke bucket? Even as a nopony am I not worth anything more than that considering the things I can do?" "It's not about worth Twilight. Right now, in this particular situation that isn't regarding worth in the least because you're the only one here hung up on it, the only thing you can do worth considering is holding the puke bucket so Nurse Redheart can get other things done. Your other option is going back to the library so you can continue not giving the town any good reason to think differently about you. It's your call." ... Twilight let out a sound that could only be described as a growl as she stepped past Spike toward Nurse Redheart a second time. "I'll take the bucket." "Are you sure?" Redheart asked sensing the obvious resentment in the unicorn's tone. "I am one hundred percent sure that this is the last thing I want to be doing right now, but I am doing it anyway," Twilight confirmed, levitating the bucket next to her as she moved further into the tent. "Huh...well then just try and not kill anypony. I'll be over here taking care of some of the paperwork if you need anything," the nurse replied with some relief as she was finally given time to tend to the tasks that had been nagging at the back of her mind for a couple hours at that point. "Please, if I was going to kill somepony I could think of way better ways than a bucket." Twilight paused and raised the bucket to examine it more critically. "Though if I were to get creative..." Before Twilight could get creative she heard the telltale sound of a pony about to upchuck and promptly levitated the bucket in the direction of the sound. It was grabbed by a pair of pink hooves before an oddly green face framed by a poofy pink mane stuck itself inside, and the resultant sound was about as pleasant as the pony in question felt whilst making it. Once her body stopped heaving she set the bucket down and was left groaning in misery on her hospital bed. "Pinkie?!" Twilight trotted closer, suddenly looking concerned. "Twilight? Is that you? Oh thank goodness, I need somepony smart to hear my last will and testament," she moaned pathetically. "How did..." The puzzled look on Twilight's face then shifted to an annoyed stare soon masked by her own hoof. "Applejack didn't cancel her appointment with you did she?" "Nope." "What happened?" Twilight asked while visibly bracing herself for the oncoming answer. ------{STATIC}------ "Ah'm gonna forget every single thing ah know about bakin'!" Applejack announced with eyes crossed as she tossed potato chips, soda, lemon juice, and earth worms into a mixing bowl. "I'm going to just toss this shit in the oven without checking it even a little bit!" Pinkie Pie proclaimed as she added water, eggs, and sugar before tossing that shit in the oven as promised. "We're going to devour these muffins without even glancing at them!" the crowd called out before the muffins were maliciously mauled. "I sure hope my spur of the moment interest in free muffins doesn't have lasting consequences that will affect the way others see me for six years or more!" a grey coated pegasus mare pondered aloud from the edge of the crowd. ------{STATIC}------ ... Twilight exhaled slowly through her nostrils before opening her eyes. "For now, let's just ignore how everypony is suddenly as much of an idiot as Applejack is today. It's fine that you didn't check the mixing bowl and that nopony else thought to look at what they were eating. That's normal as far as this conversation is concerned. What I do want to talk about is that list of ingredients. Are you sure some kind of experimental biological weapon didn't get poured into the mix after spontaneously being left in Sugar Cube Corner?" "Nopony needed to add a biological weapon Twilight! Those muffins were already a biological weapon unto themselves!" Pinkie replied as she grabbed Twilight by the face dramatically, causing Twilight to push her back lest her nose curl any further from the smell of her breath. "Then why is everypony so sick?! None of those things are toxic! Gross when put together, and in the case of the earth worms gross all by themselves, but not toxic. You could eat those and be fine! Look, Spike's eating some right now!" she said as she pointed to her assistant who was indeed munching on one of the leftover malformed muffins. "To be fair though, I am a dragon that metabolizes crystals," he replied mid chew. "It's a somewhat different case." "Shows what you know Sparkle, the water in those muffins nearly killed me!" said a nearby convalescing mare who was not only green in the face but covered in hives. "You mean the water for the muffins was tainted?" Twilight asked in puzzlement as she stepped nearer. "No, I mean I'm deathly allergic to water!" ... Twilight blinked. "Are you talking about some kind of rare skin condition that only strongly resembles an allergy?" "No you dolt, I mean exactly what I said! I'm deathly allergic to water! Even the small amount of water left in the muffins almost did me in! If they had baked for even two minutes less I would be dead now! What is so hard to understand about this?!" the mare repeated while rolling her eyes disdainfully. "Well for one if you're so deathly allergic to water you probably should've already known that baked goods are made with water. But the thing I'm having the most trouble understanding is how you survived to your current age with such a condition since our bodies are formed of almost three fourths water." The mare's eyes shot open and her pupils shrank in abject horror. "Wh...what?" "Yeah, it's just a basic fact of biology. Life on this planet is utterly dependent on water. So in all likelihood you're actually not deathly allergic to water, because if that were true you'd be-" The mare fell out of the bed with a dull thud and then laid there deathly still, no longer breathing. "-dead," Twilight finished before standing there looking down in mute shock. After a long, heavy silence she looked up again to see Nurse Redheard standing a ways away having just walked in to the sight of Twilight standing over a very dead mare. ------{STATIC}------ There was a brief scuffle inside the medical tent followed by Twilight fleeing out the front flap looking slightly disheveled. "Why the broom?!" she asked shortly before a broom hit her in the face. "Gah!" "Get out of here! Shoo!" Nurse Redheart shouted as she repeatedly struck Twilight with the weaponized cleaning implement until the unicorn ran away hissing at her. ------{STATIC}------ The exact circumstances that had lead to the scene before her were uncertain. She did not take issue with this however as the circumstances were irrelevant. What she did consider as she sat there, looking up at her idiot friend sleeping while suspended upside down on the end of her overturned apple cart, was the opportunity that the scene before her presented. Her seething stare threatened to bore a hole into the oblivious farm pony that snored steadily onward. ... "You stubborn bitch horse. You don't show up for the award ceremony and make me look bad. You listen to Rainbow Dash's dumb ass and I'm the one who has to haul her broken husk to the hospital. Then you make a medical emergency where I try to help after my Celestia damned baby dragon tells me off for pitching an attitude, and now I've been beaten with a broom with a mareslaughter charge to which I may look forward. Everything terrible that's happened to me today has been your fault, either directly or indirectly, because of this stupid orchard and your stubborn flank. But now? I can solve it. This is the perfect opportunity. While you're hanging there I can just harvest this whole orchard in minutes with magic and let you sleep like you should have been doing the entire bucking time. Then you'd stop wrecking everypony's shit in town and I'd stop getting screwed over because of it. The only...only downside to this plan is that it would hurt your feelings, but at this point, when multiple ponies have had their lives on the line, that would be completely ridiculous to worry about. Just picking the apples for you while leaving you to sleep right there stuck on your apple cart is easily the best and most logical plan imaginable. A month old foal would come to the same conclusion. So even though I am just as certain that waking you up right now would be the thing you'd want me to do the most, it is also the single most idiotic move I can make at this juncture. Were I to do that in consideration of your feelings, I would be a moron...an imbecile...probably the stupidest pony in all of Equestria." ... "Bucking friendship. Wake up Applejack!" Twilight yelled. "BUH WHA WHERE WHAT HAPPENED?!" Applejack exclaimed as she flailed her hooves in a brief panic before getting her bearings and blinking away the sunlight. "Oh...ah musta fallen asleep and...tipped the cart over." "You also poisoned everypony at Sugar Cube Corner!" Twilight reminded her. "What? How? Ah mean, them ingredients weren't what ah'd've called traditional but none of 'em're poisonous!" she queried before letting out a long yawn. "If earth worms were poisonous that dare when ah was six would've done me in!" "Okay, yes, I still haven't been able to explain that, or how a mare made it past age twenty while having a lethal allergy to water, but we'll probably come back to that sometime at or before my court hearing." "Pardon? Did you say allergic to-HEY!" the farm pony yelled in a huff as Twilight's aura engulfed her before starting to unstrap her from the harness. "What?" Twilight asked with a slight tilt to her head as she levitated Applejack back onto the ground. "Consarnit Twilight, did ah ask you for help?!" Applejack inquired while doing the best evil baggy eye she could muster. "Um...no?" Twilight responded. "That's right, ah didn't, now put me back up there and ah'll get outta there all by mah self!" Applejack demanded while pointing a hoof up at the harness. Her magically endowed friend proceeded to stand there mouth agape for seven straight seconds before reacting with a more pronounced head tilt. "Really?!" "Really!" "Are you serious?!" she asked again with even more disbelief. "As serious as the broken ribs ah gave my brother 'bout a week back that he has now mostly healed through! Now git me back up in that harness and mind your own dang business!" Applejack repeated to her displeasure. ... "Oh my god," Twilight lamented, covering her face with her hoof as she did as requested and put Applejack back in her upside down harness six feet off the ground. "There, now just you watch me get free of this here cart!" Applejack boasted while flailing to reach any part of the cart below at all. "Ah've got an appointment to help Fluttershy in an hour and this here cowgirl ain't about to be late!" ------{STATIC}------ "Applejack should be here any minute now," Fluttershy said to herself as she waited patiently in the clearing she knew for a fact had many new baby bunnies to be counted for the census. "Oh, I hope I don't come across as clingy or needy. I need to work on talking to other ponies besides Rainbow Dash for once, and Applejack just seems so nice and understanding. Plus, while I'm getting to know one of my new friends a little better, she'll be helping me finish the census in a quarter of the usual time. I really should stop worrying, this is probably going to be wonderful." ------[TWO HOURS PASS]------ "Ooooh," Fluttershy whined as she sat there utterly alone and forlorn, tears shimmering in her eyes. "I'm sure this is my fault somehow..." ------{STATIC}------ "There goes the two hour mark Applejack!" Twilight proclaimed a bit too happily from her spot lying on a picnic blanket flanked by a pile of grammar books and a fruit platter, both of which she had had ample time to retrieve from the library. She had also went to the trouble of finding an hourglass which she promptly turned over for the second time. "I'm sure you're seconds from getting out of that harness! I mean, it certainly looks like you've made absolutely no progress at all because you need help, but what do I know? I'm just a Canterlot mare who's never farmed a day in her life! Clearly you're in complete control of this situation your parents dumped you into because they're not here to help like I imagine a decent set of parents would be. Then again what do I know about decent parents either? My mom's a-" "Twilight if you don't stop talkin' bad about mah parents ah'm gonna come down there'n deck you but good no matter how good a friend ya are, ya hear?!" Applejack hollered down at her after briefly stopping her struggle to escape from the fiendish harness of the overturned apple cart. After so long spent trying to contort her way free the farm pony was breathing heavily, drenched with sweat, and generally looking somehow even more exhausted than before. "And for your information ah do have the situation under control! Once ah get down from here it won't take me more'n half an hour more to get the last bit done, and then ah'll have harvested this whole orchard by mahself just like ah promised!" she added before grunting with the renewed effort of regaining her freedom. "Eeyup," Big Mac interjected as he walked closer, his pace a bit slower than usual to account for his still rather devastated ribs. "'Cept maybe all the rest here ya haven't even touched." He pointed a hoof which Applejack stopped struggling and followed with her eyes, only for those eyes to widen in complete shock as she beheld roughly four fifths of the orchard that had yet to be harvested even after her days of sleepless toil. "But...ah...ah coulda sworn..." She slumped in the harness, hanging there as tears started to form in her ringed eyes. "I was almost...that...it ain't fair! Ah almost had it! Where did the rest of them apple trees even come from?!" "It's been there the whole time Applejack," Big Mac replied. "Why didn't ya tell me?!" she asked, her voice breaking as she covered her eyes with a hoof while gritting her teeth. "We have been Applejack! Both of us! Together!" Twilight proclaimed as she cuddled up against Big Mac's side and wrapped a hoof around his foreleg while still staring Applejack down. ... Big Mac politely removed his hoof from her embrace and took a step away while Twilight sighed sadly. "Ah...ah just..." Applejack grimaced and tried to wipe the freely flowing tears away only to have them replaced as she stared frustrated, hopeless daggers down at the lavender mare that had been pestering her all day. "Fine! Ah can't buckin' do it! Ah need help! I ain't nowhere near the worker that Pa was, and he ain't got no reason to be proud of me! Are you happy now Twilight?!" "Yeah, I am pretty happy that you're finally talking sense! But don't hang there staring death at me like any of that other stuff you're saying about yourself is my fault! Why you'd even want a stallion who just up and leaves like that to be proud of you in the first place is beyond m-" "Shut yer trap already n' go get our friends while ah still got my good sense back alright?!" Applejack cut her off whilst Twilight's comment also drew Big Mac's stony glare. "All of them? Applejack, I could probably do this all in three minutes, maybe even only two if Rarity helps. There's no reason to get all of them together fro-" "AH SAID GIT!!!" Applejack bellowed with all of her remaining might. "Fffffffffine!" Twilight relented angrily before starting to storm off. She stopped midstride though, ears perking up and eyes widening as her lips quietly repeated the first consanant of her one word response and then linked it into something else. She then mouthed the combination silently a few times and was then overcome with sufficient joy to hop into the air with glee. "It's perfect!" she declared with the undiluted joy of discovery, teleporting away the instant her hooves had come back down to the ground. The two siblings were left standing there looking after her, blinking a few times in confusion before the silence settled in again, broken only by a few sobs of the younger sister. ... "Could ya...help me down Big Mac?" she asked finally, body hanging there limply without her stubborn ego to protect it from its own immense weariness any longer. Big Mac nodded and started moving to push the cart back onto its wheels. "...and maybe gimme a hug after?" He smiled warmly. "Eeyup, so long as you know Pa would never not be proud of ya." Applejack sniffed sadly, too tired to even wipe the tears from her eyes at that moment. "Eeyup." ------{STATIC}------ "Ah'd like to offer ya'll a big ol' apology for makin' today such an ordeal for everypony, for starters," Applejack said to the assembled group of friends, looking absolutely haggard and only able to remain on her hooves because she had gotten an hour or so of uninterrupted sleep at her brother's insistence. "Ah ain't got no good excuse, but thinkin' on it the best explanation ah can give for mahself is...ah got this idea in mah head that doing what Pa was able to do so long ago would sorta...make up for somethin'. Ah got pretty stubborn about it too, and ah really am truly sorry." "Hey, don't sweat it AJ. You did almost kill me, but something good came out of it! Since they were forced to use the healing crystal I don't have to take it easy for a few days anymore, so in a way you kind of helped me out!" Rainbow Dash assured her, following up by doing a couple somersaults in the air to bask in her newfound freedom. "Ah also can't even begin to tell ya how thankful ah am that ya'll were willing to come help out after what ah put everypony through. Although, does anypony know where Fluttershy is?" she asked as she looked around and failed to spot the shy yellow mare anywhere. "Eh, she's probably fine," Rainbow Dash replied dismissively as she reclined on the air with hooves placed leisurely behind her head. ------{STATIC}------ Fluttershy's reddened eyes still glistened with the remains of her tears as she lay there in bed staring mutely at a music box in her partially darkened room. It was structurally simple, but the various engravings along the side of the box were of exquisite artistry, depicting a pattern of several types of flowers. The sad tune it was playing slowly wound down and stopped. Fluttershy sniffed and rewound the box before the tune resumed. Meanwhile a small white rabbit hopped onto her bed, strolled over to her nightstand, took the coin purse lying there, and then walked out of the room flipping her the bird on the way out. ------{STATIC}------ "Huh...alright, you two've been friends since way before ah even met'cha so ah'll take your word for it," Applejack said to the confident pegasus before turning to the rest of the group. "Now ah know the job looks pretty dang big, and ah doubt we'll finish it all this afternoon, but if come together and work plenty hard we might have the orchard picked clean of apples sometime...tomorra'...after...noon?" She trailed off as her eyes wandered upward, soon followed by her other friends as they all gazed up in wonder to see a vast array of apples floating through the air in the grip of purple and blue magical auras. Their gaze dropped down to see Twilight and Rarity focusing intently, their magic passing through the entire orchard in dual waves that carefully plucked the apples from each tree one after another to deposit them into a large cluster of gathered apple baskets. Upon finishing the last apple, Rarity collapsed on the spot and started panting with exhaustion, whilst Twilight merely wiped a small bit of sweat from her brow and turned to Spike who had a stopwatch clasped in one claw. "Time!" Spike clicked the stopwatch and examined it for a moment. "Two minutes thirty-seven seconds!" "Aw fuck, I was hoping we could beat two minutes," Twilight griped. "I'm sorry darling, that was quite a few more things than I'm accustomed to levitating all at once," Rarity apologized as she caught her breath. "Also, don't you mean 'buck'?" "Actually, no! I'm testing out the new word I thought up as a substitute for 'buck' when its being used as an obscenity," Twilight explained proudly. "I think it works nicely, and its use should drastically cut down on certain miscommunications, like mistakenly thinking your friend just casually confessed to molesting apples for a completely random example I thought up just now." "Pfft, that's dumb, how would somepony even do that?" Rainbow Dash scoffed dismissively. "Well," Pinkie answered with a thoughtful hoof on her chin, "if somepony asked me to do it I'd probably just pick up a couple and push them into-" "ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT," Applejack interjected as she stuffed an apple into Pinkie's mouth before the pink party pony could clarify any further. ------{STATIC}------ Rainbow Dash finished downing a fifth helping of cider, setting the empty bottle down next to the other four as she licked her lips with delight. "Oh man I can't stop drinking this stuff! It's amazing!" "Holy moly I still can't believe you've never had apple cider before Dashie!" Pinkie Pie said as she started searching the cooler for yet another bottle for the pegasus. "I know right? I hope this doesn't turn into some kind of crippling addiction down the line or anything," Rainbow Dash replied in jest as she leaned back against the bench, obviously too cool for proper posture. "Oops, that's all for that batch. Oh well!" Pinkie Pie shook the bits of ice off her hoof and resumed sipping her own cider happily. "Oh...okay...no problem." Rainbow Dash began to fidget as the newly cider-less seconds excruciatingly ticked away. "So Twilight, I was wondering something about this new word of yours. I know you made it to reduce confusion in conversation, but what if somepony finds they miss the less vulgar colloquial charm of the original?" Rarity asked. "Uh...then obviously they're free to keep using the original as they please? Did you think I was going to start petitioning Celestia to have the streets patrolled by some kind of word police that would beat anyone that kept using 'buck' in an obscene context with batons?" Twilight replied, positing her own question in return. "That or some variation thereof, it wouldn't exactly be out of character for you darling," Rarity remarked. "Even though it turns out we only needed Twilight and Rarity, ah want ya'll to know that ah'm still just as thankful to each and every one of ya," Applejack assured them all from her spot at the end of the bench. Her increasingly heavy head was rested on the oddly inviting wood of the table, and her eyes were half lidded as she found it progressively more impossible to remain awake even though her manners demanded she do so for the sake of her guests. "What are you still doing up Applejack? You've already done more than enough without continuing this self imposed torture on yourself just for our sakes," Rarity scolded as her magic lifted up Applejack's head and slid a fancy pillow underneath it. Applejack let out a long yawn and snuggled her head into the soft bit of lacy bedding despite her usual reservations against such frou frou things. "Trust me Rarity ah'm hittin' the hay as soon as ya'll take off, but not a minute sooner. Ma and Pa didn't raise no disrespectful host even if ah haven't slept for a week," Applejack said in weak protest, causing Rarity to sigh in elegant exasperation and take a sip of cider. "Yeah they did a fine job raising you to put up with stuff like their abandoning you at harvest time too," Twilight added with a disdainful roll of the eyes. Rarity spat out her cider and started to cough and sputter. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie both gasped as their eyes shot open in shock. Applejack lifted her head from the pillow, suddenly not nearly as tired as moments prior. "Twilight," Rarity coughed, "dear you shouldn't talk like that about-" "Why shouldn't I? They clearly just dumped the rest of their family here to take care of their farm for them while they're off doing Celestia knows what!" Twilight interrupted. "No Rarity's right!" Rainbow Dash agreed hastily as Applejack began to stand up for her sitting position, "You need to just-" "Just what? Drop it? Am I the only one who sees what Applejack spent the last week doing to herself because they chose to not be here to help? I mean I could understand Applejack being too emotionally invested to lack objectivity, but what about the rest of you? Do they have dirt they're hanging over your heads? Because I guarantee I could probably dig up even worse on them if that's what you're worried about!" Rarity stopped Applejack as she made her way around the bench to Twilight's end. "It's alright Applejack, take deep breaths, count to ten, think of a happy place full of properly coordinated decor and tastefully selected-" "Applejack, please, you're far from the only one with completely horrible parents. If anything it's something we have in common," Twilight offered with genuine sympathy to the mare that was currently plucking Rarity off the ground with one hoof and gently setting her on the benchtop before continuing to advance with a cold dead stare in her eyes. "Does anypony else feel like it's a bit contrived that the first thing we did wasn't just telling Twilight that-" Pinkie Pie pondered before Applejack spoke up for herself. "If'n you wanna give mah parents a good lecture about how dang awful they are, they're right up there waitin' for you to give 'em a piece of your mind!" she seethed while pointing over to a nearby hilltop. "Good, I have quite a few pieces to give them!" Twilight shot back as she got to her hooves and looked over to the hilltop. Failing to see any sort of building, she squinted while continuing to stare for a few more moments. "Do they live on the other side of the hill? All I can see are a bunch of flowers and two grave-" The color drained from her face and her eyes practically bugged out of her head as the icy cold realization lanced through her brain. "-ssssssssssss-" She slowly turned to see Rainbow Dash and Rarity awkwardly averting their eyes from her. "-sssstoooooooo-" She continued to turn, now exchanging a glance with Pinkie Pie who did little other than shrug at her. "-ooooooooonnnnnn-" A few moments later she met Applejack's exhausted but furious eyes, the unicorn holding on for dear life to the last consonant of that word as though it were the last thing keeping her from slipping into a void of death. "-nnnnnnnnnessssss...ssss....sss." ... ... ... In an instant Spike was magically pulled next to Twilight before the both of them were enveloped in a protective field that shielded them from the ensuing massive explosion of magical energy that consumed the entirety of Ponyville and the outlying regions, leaving nothing behind but glowing hot glass that would never ever ever ever tell anypony about what Twilight had done that day. "TWILIGHT WHAT IN TARTARUS HAVE YOU DONE?!" Spike asked, falling to his knees after the shield had dropped. "I'VE MADE EVERYTHING RIGHT AGAIN SPIKE, NOW NONE OF THAT EVER HAPPENED AND LIFE IS WONDERFUL!" ------{STATIC}------ "Twilight? Twilight?" Rarity repeated while nudging her in the side. "Wha? Huh?" Twilight finally responded, snapping out of her stupor to find herself lying on her side on the ground. "What happened?" "You kind of just stood there looking terrified at Applejack for a few seconds and then collapsed into the fetal position muttering to yourself," Rainbow Dash replied. "From what Fluttershy's told me about surviving a bear attack, that was probably the right move." "Then Applejack fell over asleep!" Pinkie Pie piped in, standing nearby with the comatose farm pony resting on her back. "Like, way asleep too! Look at this!" she said cheerfully before bucking her hips up to launch Applejack a few feet into the air before catching her several times, the slumbering mare not stirring in the slightest for the entire process. "Wee!" "Okay...right..." Twilight got back to her hooves and shook some of the dirt off her side. "So uh...this has been fun. Yep. Now if you'll all excuse me, I'll be in the middle of nowhere digging the deepest hole I possibly can and then living at the bottom of it forever." "You've got that hearing at the Ponyville court house regarding the wrongful death of that patient first," Spike reminded her while chewing on another delicious bite of worm-chip-soda-lemon muffin surprise. "Also you're due for a letter to Celestia." "Fuck." "Ooh wait wait wait let's try for a triple flip!" Pinkie Pie said before bucking Applejack even higher into the air and adding some spin to it. "One flip...two flip...thr-" Applejack landed on the table, breaking half of it off and sending empty bottles flying everyhwere as she laid there still asleep with limbs askew at awkward angles, covered in scratches from the now splintered wood. "Aww shoot, almost had it!" ------{STATIC}------ Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that somepony's right to screw themselves over with their own bad decisions ends at the point where they start screwing over other ponies with those decisions too, and you're not doing anypony a favor by allowing those decisions to continue, friendship be damned. As a side note, if you're going around calling somepony else an idiot you'd do well to check if you're not also being an idiot yourself. Your Faitfhul Student, Twilight Sparkle P.S. Please send the royal court lawyers P.P.S Please P.P.P.S PLEEEEAAAAAAASE ------{STATIC}------ The lawyers did not arrive in time and Twilight thusly found herself standing at a podium again just as she had at the beginning of that terrible day. To her sides were two police officers meant to both make sure she behaved and to ensure that the crowd holding pitchforks and torches assembled in front of the Ponyville court house remained orderly. She looked down at the documents in front of her and groaned, thinking that doing this herself was at least the better alternative to having it done for her. At least the ponies of Ponyville would see her taking it on the chin voluntarily as opposed to some spoiled rich girl being finally brought to task for once in her life. "Um, hello everypony," she began. Crickets responded. "As you know this afternoon I was present at Sugar Cube Corner, volunteering my servies to Nurse Redheart in an attempt to at least start to make up for what I said about this town on the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration. This unforunately resulted in the death of one of her patients, and even though none of it makes sense to me in the slightest, the fact of the the matter is that it happened as an unintended result of my willful actions and I have thusly plead no contest to a charge of negligent mareslaughter." "How the hay do you manage to kill somepony via negligence when the only thing Nurse Redheart trusted you with was the damn puke bucket?!" piped up one pony from the crowd with whom they quickly agreed. "She speaks nothing but lies!" "She murdered that pony!" "HANG HER!" "Look, when she explained to me that she had a deathly allergy to water I thought it sounded absolutely ridiculous, and that the hives covering her body must have come from some other condition. How does a pony manage to live at all, much less to adulthood, when they're deathly allergic to something that comprises three fourths of their own body?!" Twilight clarified. Five ponies in the crowd fell dead on the spot, covered in hives. "OH COME ON!" Twilight pleaded to the universe as the police ponies swiftly took her back into custody.