I sighed as I closed the door. To be honest, I didn’t know why I reacted that way. I guessed that seeing my long time friend holding a secret like that, a secret that could eat him from the inside, was too unhealthy for his sake for me to let it pass by. However, surprising me was the way I tackled the situation. It was almost how my father would handle things. Tactless and… cold.
Just the idea of becoming like my father brought a shiver down my spine. This idea quickly died down as the voice of reason inside my head spoke up and reminded me that I never could reach the level my father was boasting back when I still lived with him. Even then… what if his influence never really left me.
In fact, now that I am free from any other obligation and have time to think, even I find my past behaviour suspect. I was cold and distant to anyone who wasn’t Augustine and my Pokemon team. Well, even with my team I was cold, but not as cold. Maybe… lukewarm? I can see that I was lukewarm to them.
I stopped for a second and came back to reality. Why was I analyzing my past behaviour out of nowhere while laying down in the middle of a hallway? Heck, why was I analyzing that in the first place? Wait, why was I finding differences in the first place? Why am I acting so differently than yesterday? It’s not like I changed much since then.
I looked at my pawn and realized the clear mistake I just thought. Indeed, I changed… a lot. However, I don’t believe I changed mentally. Unless whatever happened to me also happened to the me me. The mental me, who I was psychologically.
I grabbed my head out of a mix of frustration and confusion. I’m thinking too deep about this. Sure, I was cold in the past, but the past is the past. I looked back at the door I just left and sighed again. No. I am on a roll on fixing problems haphazardly, let’s take time to think about this one for once.
What if I actually changed mentally. What if this change was so drastic that it pulled me out of whatever bubble I was in and allowed me to do a retrospective of my past. To change again, this time consciously, for the better of everyone.
Did my past actually leave a trace on me? Did my father hurt me more than I would allow myself to believe? It would make sense, now that I think about it. Children from problematic homes are more likely to have a more introverted and cold personality. Question is, how did I know that? Wait, I do know how…
===
“Mister Sycamore. I am telling you that, even if it doesn’t show, she will have to live with what happened to her. She will have lasting effect of this all over her psychological state and personality. Does she seem to act… colder than a normal girl? Maybe even introverted to a high degree?” The psychologist asked the scientist, her small round glasses slowly sliding down her Cyrano nose.
“Maybe. I haven’t stayed with her much to know about that. However, all I want to know is if it’s going to prevent her from getting a trainer’s card.” Sycamore pushed, hoping to get the answer to his last question from the professional.
“We’ll have to pass some tests to be sure that the… events didn’t make her more aggressive. This might be the only things that could prevent her from getting the card. Except that, I will still hold my ground on my opinion. A girl that suffered such mistreatment shouldn’t be allowed to roam the land like that. I can let by the fact that we let them go so young, but this one is a special case.” She finished her rant by placing her writing board with a bit too much strength than intended.
What the adults didn’t know was that a young girl, barely passed the age of 11, was watching through a hold of the ajar door. She would remember what was said, but wouldn’t pay any attention since she was sure that what was said wouldn’t actually happen to her.
===
I gave a slight dry chuckle. Boy, was I oblivious in the past. Maybe a bit too oblivious. I guessed that, even back then, I was so sure that I was finally free of my father’s influence that I didn’t see his shadow following me throughout my adventure. Maybe even the fear of maybe meeting him again was enough to cause my state to worsen.
I placed my head down on the floor, my face reflecting my horrible mood. In the end, right now, I felt good. Almost like if a weight was lifted from me. Maybe the knowledge that I am finally free from my past life was the reason why I was more outspoken since I woke up. Maybe now, people will see me for who I am. A girl with too much to say, but no tact whatsoever.
I slowly pushed down, moving my new pink body off the ground. I knew that staying there wouldn’t fix any of my problem and that self-deprecation would never help me in any situation. I moved forward, letting my subconscious take care of all the walking. I knew that if I would take over for it, my face would quickly meet the stairs.
As I was walking down the stairs, my train of thought was still going strong with result of self-analysis coming in from all over my head. One fact was clear, the way I treated Tenebre was wrong in all sense of the word. I ruined a perfectly good friendship instead of trying to shift the love into simple affection. I left my prejudices take care of the thinking… just like He would do.
Maybe I was just never used to someone telling me they loved me. Heck, I never thought anyone could love me. This might be because my parents never loved me… or at least my father never did. What does love feel like? Would I ever know? After what happened, even I doubt it.
My ears pulled back, outwardly displaying my state of mind to whatever or whoever was watching me at the moment. A small tear fell down my cheek as I realized what I was thinking. Is that what I think of myself? Someone who couldn’t be loved?
I closed my eyes and tried to keep the emotions inside, like I always did. Showing emotions is wrong… that was what I was taught… but I shouldn’t do that and I know it… however, my body was simply ignoring me at this point.
I slammed my head in the wall. This was too much for me to handle, I just wanted everything to end at this point. My mind was going so fast to every single conclusion that I didn’t see a shadow moving towards me and grabbing me.
I screamed and all my muscles locked for a second. I thought it was my father, here to get his revenge for running away from home. I opened my eyes and, in a fog made from tears, I could see the silhouette of Heart placing her hooves around me. In fact, she didn’t grab me… she was hugging me.
“I don’t know what happened, but it must have been bad if you hit your head like that. Did you fall off the stairs?” Heart asked, oblivious to the internal struggle I was currently facing. She started petting me gently near where I slammed on the wall. I was still sobbing, the pain and shock finally subsiding, leaving only empty thought and tiredness.
“It’s… not that.” I started. “I don’t really wanna talk about it… but I don’t feel like I’m myself anymore.” I knew I was overgeneralizing the situation and that her help could really be useful in order to bounce opinions off her, but at this point, I was too tired to care.
“Oh, this seems like a much greater problem. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” She asked. I sighed and wiggled my way out of her grasp. A voice in my head tried to urge me to accept her offer and I was considering the situation.
“Honest question, why do you care, Heart? Here we are, two random animal-like creatures stumbling down through your doorway. All we’ve done for you is spilling blood on your carpet and causing you more problems with your neighbors. Why would you go as far as becoming my impromptu psychologist?” This question was another one in my list that was boggling me to no end.
She looked at me, a bit surprised at the question that was asked. However, she still looked like she was giving it an honest thought. After what felt like hours, she finally came up with an answer. “It’s simply who I am.” I was taken aback. I was expecting an answer longer than a line and Heart knew it perfectly well.
“I don’t know where you two came from, but here…” She looked outside the window. “Well, in this country minus this town at least… we ponies believe that acting for the benefit of others is simply common courtesy. Plus, not taking you in after seeing your injuries would weigh on my mind for years on end. Finally…” Her face turned into a slight grin. One that conveys a mix of kindness and slight redemption.. “...getting you means pissing off Crazy and that is always a plus in my book.”
I chuckled a bit, a godsend after everything that happened. I only saw a glimpse of Crazy Nail before everything that happened, but anyone that cuts my body open doesn’t even deserve a shred of sympathy. “I guess I do want to talk about my problems after all…” I surrendered to the obvious answer. Speaking to an impartial party is often a great way to find a light in any darkness.
“Just come over to the living room’s couch and tell me everything.” She proposed, already making her way there. I followed suit, my eyes still hazy from earlier. I was free from the wrath of my psyche, but I knew that speaking to Heart would make the pain come back.
I am not okay, I said to myself.
I layed down on the couch in a position that would be incredibly uncomfortable if I was still my bipedal self. Heart sat down beside me and placed her hoof back in petting mode. “So, Neige, what’s going on? Why do you say you aren’t feeling like yourself anymore?” She started.
I forced myself to speak. “First off… you need to know something about me.” I then went on, in generalized details, my… tumultuous relationship with my family. Even if I wasn’t going into details, I could see a range of emotions going through Heart’s face. From disbelief to anger to pity, her face was a rollercoaster and I was the one manning the control panel.
“And here lies my problem… I used to keep my emotions in check by staying to myself. I wouldn’t talk to others and I wouldn’t barely talk to the ones close to me. Heck, Tenebre is the one I shared the most words with since yesterday. However, everything changed this morning.” I was finally done with all the explanation and it was already a slight relief.
“From what I can see, you are more outgoing than secluded. I take it that’s your problem. Whatever happened to you during that… event caused by your Pokemon god, you believe it affected you mentally?” I nodded to Heart’s observation.
“Not only that, but since my self-imposed lockdown is gone, I feel like I am too much like my father and it scares me. Wh-what if I do something wrong and lose all my friends!? O-or maybe I turn bitter with age and…” I started hyperventilating, the emotions rushing back to me. Sweet lord Arceus, I am so weak. I can’t even speak to someone without-
“Look at me, Neige.” The sudden order broke my train of thought. “If there is one thing I know about friendship is that no mistake can break a well kept bond. If you remember to stay yourself, everything will be alright.” I looked at her and she responded with a warm smile.
“Plus, from what you were telling me, you really don’t want to become like your father. Sadly, the facts are that you will indeed act a bit like your father.” I cringed. That was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear. “However, it is your job to rectify his mistakes and make sure that what you keep from him is his good side. Everyone has one, you just got the short end of the stick with him.”
I nodded and placed my head back on the couch. “Now, about Tenebre…” Heart started and my eyes shot open. “I don’t know what type of taboo this… Pokephilia is, but whatever it is, I doubt it still is effective here.” I knew she was right, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.
“Even then, when you grow up believing something, it’s kinda hard to change your behaviour on a whim like that.” I stated. I was met with a nod, but also a small know-it-all smite. “I’m missing something, aren’t I? You have a solution for that too?” She chuckled at my reaction.
“I am a mother, of course I have stuff to say about anything. From what you told me, you aren’t much older than Leaf, and yet your maturity could be equal to any adult. Sadly, what you need now are experiences to speak about. You have been given a gift no one I ever encountered has ever received. You are young and you have been given a new life. Maybe the new Neige could also try new things.”
“Am I really that new, though?” I asked to no one in particular. Heart moved her hoof from my back to my head.
“Who are you?” Heart asked, rhetorically. I answer back with my name, completely clueless to what she was getting at. She moved her hoof from my head to near my heart. “What are you?” I was about to answer the first thing that came to my mind, but I stopped, understanding what she meant.
“I am an 11 year old… Espeon. I have pink fur and a weak appearance, but I am hiding a strong spirit that will never surrender.” I chuckled. “My thickheadedness might actually be something less negative I got from my father’s side.” I could feel the pressure of the entire day leave my shoulders. “Thank you Heart. You’ve helped me a lot.”
I looked outside and, to my surprise, it was already dark. “I guess Princess Celestia passed by while we were talking. I should go and put Leaf to bed. The rest of the job is on you, Neige. I know you can make the right decision.” Heart then left the living room, calling her son’s name aloud. I had no idea who this princess was, but she might have been related to the celestial bodies. Yeah… her name is kind of a sign, I think.
I jumped down from the couch and decided to face my problems head on, the first one being Tenebre. I was still unsure of whether or not I should give his love a chance, but I had a plan. A plan that is more sound than confronting him in a corner and forcing the confession out of him. I still am dumbfounded on how I thought this was a valid way to tackle the issue.
I quickly made my way up the stairs and up to the door of Heart’s bedroom. I stood in front of the door, my heart beating like it never did before. I felt like I just spent an hour doing exercise, but all I did was going up the stairs. I guess I still can’t get over what I did… right?
I opened the door. “Tenebre, I’m so-” I stopped, realizing that no one could hear me. In fact, I was alone in the room. “What?” I looked around and saw that the window was open. “No… he didn’t run away, didn’t he?” I asked to myself.
I placed my upper body on the side of the window and looked outside. I couldn’t see the ground due to my lower height, but I knew that he wouldn’t be there. Knowing him, he was somewhere high, moonbathing and enjoying the calmness of the outside. I turned my gaze upward, hoping to see him. As if on cue, yellow circles started flashing faintly on the flat roof of a house about 20 meters from me.
I jumped, barely holding myself onto the windowsill. My body was telling me to get the flip away from that window and do the rational thing, taking the front door. However, my heart was telling me that what I was doing was perfectly sane. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and jumped.
As if my body was listening to a whole new set of reflexes, I landed gracefully on my paws and jumped forward. I knew the general direction and that was all I needed. My body obviously knew what it was doing, so I decided to trust it. Heck, I might end up liking it.
I got to the alleyway neighboring the house I was trying to get to. Like if I was trained since my birth, I jumped on a random garbage can, swiftly landed on the half windowsill of a closed window and gave a final push, landing my top half onto the roof. Luckily, Tenebre seemed to be ignoring any sounds from outside his vicinity.
I took a few seconds to remind myself of what I just did. It was dangerous, almost impossible and might have caused me problems if I missed something. However, the new me was quick to discredit the claim. After all, a cat always lands on his or her legs. I’ve had worse injuries in the past day than a sore paw.
I slowly made my way to the Umbreon and took a seat beside him. I saw that his eyes were closed, most likely because he was lost in deep thought. A small dark ring was around both his eyes, wet with tears that I caused. I lowered my head at the realization of how deep I injured him.
In front of my was a window of an even higher house. I would ask about how high these ponies could build, but that wasn’t important enough in my situation. Even then, the window mirrored my state. My eyes had the same circles as he had, but in the shade of my coat. My fur was a mess. I could see that I had better days.
I heard a sigh. I quickly turned my head and looked at Tenebre who seemed to be back on Earth… or the closest equivalent. I stayed silent, preferring to not disturb the black cat. However, even that was a failure since, the moment he saw me sitting beside him, he jumped backward, back on his paws.
“N-Neige!? What are you doing here?” He asked, clearly stressed out by all this. I did my best to keep my calm and stayed exactly where I was.
“Tenebre, come sit next to me.” I ordered, keeping my voice calm to try and share the emotion. Still cautious, he walked towards me and took back his seat. I looked back forward, staring at nothing, letting the cold air envelop me.
“You… look surprisingly well this evening.” He said, trying to start a conversation. However, his line brought a chuckle out of me.
“You only say that out of politeness. I look like a mess.” I grinned awkwardly, my face heating up. I never really cared about my physical appearance before, but in front of him, it felt like I was committing a cardinal sin.
Tenebre smiled at my antics. “I take it you were crying by how you look. What happened?” He asked, his voice displaying his honesty. I cocked my head, wondering if he was serious. “I could hear a commotion downstairs. Did you hurt yourself.”
“Yes. Yes I did.” I started. “I did hurt myself, both physically and mentally. However, it should be fixed now.” I confessed. I doubted Tenebre would actually understand what I meant and I considered keeping it that way… unless he asked.
“What… do you mean by mentally hurt?” And he had to ask. I sighed, folding my tail around myself and staring at the split tip. I started poking it with my paw, trying to feel which nerve could control it.
“Tenebre, honest question. What do you think of me? Why would you ever want to… be with someone like me?” I had to know, I just had to.
“Ooph, that is a really loaded question, Neige. I never thought you would be the kind of person who cared about other’s opinions about you.” He said, punctuating with a jokey grin. I stared at him, trying to keep my serious face on.
“Fine, fine. Why would I stay with someone like you?” He stopped, his mood shifting from joyful to somber. “To an honest question goes an honest answer. You.. are an inspiration to me, Neige.” He looked down as if reminiscing bad memories. “I had lost all hope when I was in that Team Flare hideout, but you saved me and, at this point you were my hero. A question remained in my head during that time, however… how does a hero cope with what I felt? How does a hero lives with the memories of a painful past?”
He turned around to look at me. His eyes were clear as the sky. I could practically see his soul pouring out of him. “It took me a couple of weeks to realize the truth. You would come back to Sycamore bruised, beaten, but still standing tall and proud. A part of you kept on living, never bowing down to your oppressor. That’s when you went from a hero, someone so far from my own league that I can only dream to reach your height, to an inspiration, someone I can relate to, that can help me day by day.”
He raised his gaze to the moon and I followed suit. “When you chose me to become your partner for your adventure, I was overcome with joy. The one who I looked up to decided to look down and choose me. It barely took a few days before I became an Umbreon. I was overcome by our friendship, but by then, something else was growing.”
He placed his paw on my cheek and moved my head towards him. “I love you because you showed me that the past only exists if you let it exist. I love you because whenever I feel down, I know I can survive because you lived much worse and still are standing up. I love you because you are the single best thing to happen to me ever since I was born.”
I was left flabbergasted. To know that I was the cause of all this was extremely surreal. When he finished the explanation for his love, his face turned redder than ever before. “However, if it has to be that way, I’ll stay your friend. I will never abandon that bond.”
“The past only exists… if you let it exist.” I repeated slowly, my mind finally surrendering.
“Uhh… yes. I know, it was kind of cheesy, but I thought that, due to the current si-” I’ve decided to stop his tirade with a kiss. I could feel his breathing come to a screeching halt, his eyes growing to a cartoonish size. Yet, it only took him a second to close his eyes and surround me with his arms.
We broke the kiss after what felt like forever. It was my first time doing so, but I hoped that it wouldn’t be the last. “Mi- I mean, Neige. What has gotten into you? What about what the others think… or even Pokephilia!?”
I chuckled and pecked him on the cheek. “Oh, I never was aware that an Espeon loving an Umbreon was illegal. I’ll have to look it up online. Oh wait! We’re no longer on Earth anymore. Those laws don’t even affect us here.”
“B-But-” I placed a paw on his mouth, hoping that unsanitary act wouldn’t cause a problem.
“No buts. Look, I’ve made a lot of thinking in the past… uhh, hour or so. I have to learn to let go of the past and focus of the present. Arceus gave me a present that allows me to change my fate for the better. Maybe even become a better person that I’ve ever been.” I stood up, smiling. “So, how about we continue this conversation at Heart’s house. She’s probably worried sick and I’m starting to doze off.”
He nodded, the situation leaving his mind in need of a proper reboot. “Oh, and Tenebre? You can keep calling me Milady if you want. I don’t really mind getting used to it.” The wink at the end was enough to cause him to smile. A smile made of pure happiness and bliss. One that I’m sure he never had in his life. It’s not everyday that a dream becomes true.