//------------------------------// // First Impressions // Story: Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me // by DataPacRat //------------------------------// Stop me if you've heard this one before. I was glancing at a pony-themed page in the local cafe, when a mysterious stranger asked me if I wanted to go there. I described a few minimal conditions - to keep my mind and memories, have some way to move and communicate - and summed up that if reality was structured so that it was possible to go there, then that would be one of the most important things to learn about it. After all, I wanted to live forever or die trying, and if it was possible to travel to alternate universes like that, that increased the chances of both finding some method of life-extension and new dangers to face. A very short time later, after going through a blackout, I was staring down my muzzle at my hooves... and then through them, at my underside, and a rather large, veined, pink bulge on my belly with several teats dangling from it. When I looked up, a rather bovine face was looking at me from under a straw hat, with a concerned expression. "Mwhooo are myooo, dearie?" A reasonably short time later, I said, "Let me see if I can put all this together. "We live in a land of magical ponies. They own all the land. We need to graze. We don't have any magic, not even earth-pony magic. About the only thing we can do to pay for grazing rights is sell our milk. We can't even milk ourselves - and if we don't get milked daily, at least, our udders get very painfully full, and we could even get sick from infection, like black mastitis. "Outside of the pony lands is dangerous. Any one of us would get eaten pretty quickly... and even if we don't, none of the cows out there are smart enough to be able to talk - so if any of us do go out there, there's a chance - fine, a significant chance that we'd turn into dumb animals. And we tend to stop thinking and go on instinct anyway if we're startled. And any of us that spends too much time alone tends to go insane - or maybe it's the insane ones who want to be alone. "Even inside pony lands, there are still dangers, like dragons and hydras and diamond dogs - and the only way we can defend ourselves is as a herd. You don't even care much that I seem insane, as long as I'm part of some herd, and you'd be happy if I was part of yours. "None of you has heard the terms 'existential risk' or 'cryonics' or 'humans' or 'alternate realities', or can tell me how far away the stars are, or what an atom is made of. "Does all that sound about right?" "Myeees, dearie," said the one who I'd woken up next to, who called herself Daisy Jo. "Right," I wiggled my jaw back and forth, then stretched my neck, cracking some joints. "Well, at least I can look around - kind of, note to self, see if I've just got myopia that can be fixed with glasses - and I can think, and I can talk, and I can walk around some. As long as I don't get too far from a dairy. And I was beginning to worry that I was going to be stuck with a major handicap. "No time like the present to get started. I suppose I should start talking to the Ponyvillians." "Mwould you like some of us to come mwith you?" "Er... I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I don't think I'm going to get any more insane by starting off on my own. If someone tells me that I'm acting even more loopy than I think I am now, I'll start coming right back, okay?" "If myou're sure..." "Pardon me, Miss Applejack?" "That's just Applejack, Miss. Don't reckon that I've seen you around the herd before." "It's a complicated story, and you're a busy mare." "I try not to interfere with your folk's dealings with each other too much - you tend to your apples and I tend to mine. So what can I do for you?" "Stripping things down to the essentials - I would like to travel to Canterlot, but I don't have two bits to my name. ... Come to think of it, I don't even have a name to my name." "Come again?" "Complicated. I'm not asking for a handout - I would like to earn enough money for a train ticket, or for enough supplies to walk there. Are there any tasks I might be able to assist with?" "You mean, besides-" "Yes, besides providing dairy products. I have promised my... output to help pay for the herd's expenses, like rent on the barn, while I am in Ponyville." She scratched the back of her head with one hoof. "Now that's a plum pickle, now that I think of it. You kind of, well, jiggle too much to do much apple-bucking, and Big Mac takes care of the heavy lifting. And your hooves aren't really suited for any delicate work - no offense -" "None taken." "- and we've got more ponies than work for the rest of it. If you want to make some honest bits, I don't think I can rightly hire you. But maybe I know a pony or two who could use you..." "Thank you again for the hat, Miss Rarity, but if there's nothing I can do for you, it wouldn't be right to accept cash." "Are you sure, darling?" "Well - if I really can't find any actual paying work in town, then I may accept a small loan - but I'd like to try things my way first." "I've never seen you before!" "Likewise, I'm sure." "Thanks! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?" "I don't actually know. The name I think I remember having doesn't seem to match up with what I see, so it seems a bad idea to use it. If it helps, the name I remember translates as 'Judge Wicked', or something of the sort." "Are you a judge? Ponyville already has a judge, I just passed by her and Mayor Mare and - say, should I call you 'Cow Cow'? Hm... Or how about 'Moo Moo'? Everypony should have a name, how else can you tell who's birthday is it? Is it your birthday? I could throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party and a birthday party at the same time! How about-" I stopped waiting for her to take a breath and just jumped on in. "You can call me anything you like as long as you let me know what it is, I don't have any job right now but wouldn't mind being a judge if there's an opening for one, my birthday's either a few weeks before Nightmare Night or this morning since everything I remember before today is completely different from what I've been living through-" I had to pause to inhale, which gave her enough time to break into song. "Happy first-memory day, to you! Happy first-memory day, to you! Happy first-memory day, dear what's-your-name, Happy first-memory day, to you, from your first best friend, Pinkie Pie!" Even having expected something of the sort, I nearly pulled something as I turned my head to follow her hopping around me. "Thank you, Pinkie. I don't suppose the Cakes are hiring anyb- anypony at Sugarcube Corner right now?" "Wow, you already know about that?" I blinked. "You mean, they do?" "Of course not, silly! I do all the extra baking they need! And then some, 'cause I keep eating what I bake! But we just met and you already know I work there before I even told you! Are you a psychic cow? A psi-cow? Or-" "Rarity said," I managed to interrupt before going down that tangent. "And that you know everypony in town, so if anypony could use my help, I should ask you." "Well, we do use a lot of milk when we bake-" "Sorry - milk's already spoken for." And I'd have to start heading back soon to get that taken care of - I was beginning to feel 'full', a disturbingly distracting sensation for someone who, just a day ago, had expected never to have any functioning mammary glands at all. "In that case... HEY EVERYPONY! DOES ANYPONY HAVE A JOB FOR A COW?" "Thank you for the tea, Miss Fluttershy." "..." "And sorry again about the carpet. If there's anything I can do-" "..." "I'll just... be on my way, then." "..." "Sorry, lady, if you can't fly, I can't hire you for the weather team." I muttered something about greenhouse gases under my breath, and had to put off the rest of my search until I got my bodily needs taken care of. And there was night, and there was day. And getting hooked up to the milking machine was a great relief, and even a physical pleasure, and that's all that I intend to say about that. Hay wasn't bad, but I was going to have to get used to chewing cud. I tried to pretend it was like bubble-gum, which was enough to keep me from throwing up, at least. "By cow standards, I seem to be quite insane, Miss Sparkle. By pony standards... maybe not so much - but the memories I seem to have of anything more than a day ago are completely inconsistent with everything I remember experiencing since I met Daisy Jo. From what I do remember that seems to correspond with our presently-shared reality, I believe that if I can talk to one of the Princesses for approximately thirty seconds, I will be able to convince her to indulge me with sufficient royal patronage to explore certain ideas I have which could benefit all involved. And if I'm wrong, and I really am a crackpot - then thirty seconds of royal attention should be sufficient to determine that, and to direct me to any appropriate medical care. Unfortunately, the only economic output I am currently capable of is tied closely to my biological necessities, with no surplus to spare for train tickets, or some bags and food for the walk, and the latter option is complicated by needing to be within suitable walking distance of a dairy facility every day. "Since it turns out I cannot read Equestrian, even if you were hiring, I would be ill-suited for library work... so what I am hoping you can help me with is a letter of introduction or recommendation, so that when I do make it to Canterlot, I can talk to one of the Princesses." "That seems simple enough, but - well, you do keep mentioning how you're probably insane, and don't even know your name, so, er..." "...so you don't want to help a mad-cow get too close to a Princess. I expected that. Would a brief demonstration that at least some of what's inside my head is useful suffice?" "It wouldn't hurt." "Fair enough. Let's see." I looked up and down at the implausibly-hued unicorn, who I remembered having seen a dozen or so hours of her life of, in a way that was completely implausible if she actually existed and was actually standing right in front of her; and made my final selection of the useful advice I kept cached away. "If you're interested in being on the right side of disputes, you will refute your opponents' arguments. But if you're interested in producing truth, you will fix your opponents' arguments for them. To win, you must fight not only the creature you encounter; you must fight the most horrible thing that can be constructed from its corpse." "That's... a rather horrible way of putting something." "It is. But that's what makes it memorable - so that, when you're dealing with arguments, you're more likely to think about whether you're just arguing for the sake of arguing, or if you're arguing to help try to find out how reality actually works. Even if I am insane - is the idea I just gave to you useful?" She looked away at the walls, and then slowly, maybe grudgingly, gave me a nod. I raised my eyebrows and looked at her expectantly. She sighed, and nodded again. "Fine. I should be able to get you an audience. A brief audience. With lots of guards present." "I wouldn't have expected it any other way." "Hello, everypony. Miss Cheerilee has agreed to let me talk to you all today - but actually, I hope you'll do most of the talking. And I hope that by the time we're done, everypony here will be at least a little better at figuring out how to get important things done - even if you don't think you know how." "Ooh! Ooh! You mean, like getting our Cutie Marks?" "Certainly. I'd like to tell you a few things I've learned - like, before you even start thinking there's no solution to a problem, you should spend five minutes, by the clock, thinking about it, instead of just saying right out that it's impossible - and then I'd like us all to try a few games together." I was walking through Ponyville, feeling rather proud of myself. I had a small bag of bits - not very many, but more than one - tucked away inside my hat. They were from Cheerilee, for letting her get caught up on some of her paperwork by keeping the fillies and colts entertained with stuff that was plausibly education-related. It wasn't much, not even enough for that train ticket - but I'd earned them entirely on my own, by doing something somebody else felt valuable... despite having no hands, no magic, no literacy, not even decent eyesight. Now that I had an 'in' as at least a sort of educator, I might be able to get some babysitting-level jobs as a tutor, and even if I did have to tailor my pitch to those most able to pay, such as Diamond Tiara's and Silver Spoon's parents, it would be worth- My entrepreneurial musings were interrupted by a small purple reptile waving for my attention. "Miss, uh, Cow?" Spike looked up at me. "Can I help you?" I realized that Spike hadn't been at the school - and wondered what sort of tutoring he might find beneficial... He held up a small scroll and some miscellaneous bits of paper. "Twilight wrote to the Princesses and they wrote back and want to see you and they even sent you some train tickets and said that the royal kitchens can keep you comfortable as long as you stay there. And she asked me to find you and give these to you while she finished talking with Cheerilee and the others." "Thank you, Spike. Would you mind tucking those into my hat for me?" I lowered my head down to his level. "I don't seem to have any bags to carry anything in." "Sure. Here you go." He did so, and then we kind of stood there, looking at each other, until I found myself chuckling. "I guess neither of us has much to do - and since I don't need to save for the trip anymore, how would you like to show me where I can buy some snacks for both of us?" He immediately brightened, and started leading the way to the market. And as we went, I thought to myself that while I might not have a clue how I could be living on Earth for a bunch of years and then suddenly find myself here (or, depending on how you looked at it, how I could suddenly lose all my memories of Equestria and have them replaced by those of a fictional Earth - not that I'd mentioned Earth to anypony at all, yet), or how the physics of unicorn magic and pegasus weather manipulation actually worked, and while I might be stuck in one of the most useless bodies imaginable... I was back on track, on the path of figuring out answers to all those problems - and to the bigger ones that came afterwards. I might even figure out how to live forever - and if not, then while I was trying, I'd still be finding ways to improve the lives of everypony around me, so that somebody who came after me would have a better chance of figuring that out. It was a challenge worth spending a lifetime figuring out. I just hoped I could figure out how to get used to chewing cud sooner rather than later.