//------------------------------// // No Cheating // Story: God, the Devil, and Ponies // by Ponky //------------------------------// “Are you hungry, Mister Star?" Pinkie Pie chirped from above as the Devil approached the top of the canyon. "No," he lied, hooves shivering under the strain of one more heave. How had she gotten ahead of him so fast? And without even breaking a sweat? "'Cause if you are, I brought some pie!" He glanced up, panting. "What?" Pinkie revealed two wicker baskets from behind her... back? That didn't make any sense. Lucifer blinked as she violently tossed open the baskets' lids. Inexplicably, at least two dozen apple pies leapt from the thing and landed in neat piles all around her. "Holy horseshoes, Pinkie Pie!” Applejack said. “I’ve never seen so much food come out o’ two little baskets before!” “Pfff... I have,” Lucifer mumbled under his breath. "Want one, Morning Star?” Pinkie asked the Devil. He took a few deep breaths and eyed her wide grin. "Uh... no." He grunted and set his sore hooves onto the next rock up. "Oh, for the love of..." Rainbow Dash swooped out of nowhere and caught Lucifer under his forelegs from behind. He could only yelp in the time she carried him the last fifty feet or so and set him next to Pinkie's pies. "Hey!" Lucifer's brow creased. "You're welcome," Rainbow spat, "slowpoke." "Have a pie!" Pinkie encouraged, gesturing to the piles. "I will not have a pie," said the Devil in a huff, "and I'm not grateful for your help. I could have made it out myself." He stood up and shook out his dark grey mane. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way." "Where are you going?" Twilight asked, landing with Rainbow on the other side of Pinkie. "Away from you," he said with a sneer, and began to trot away. The six ponies glanced at one another, then followed. The Devil heard their hoofsteps and turned around. "What do you want?" Their only answer were six concerned stares colored with various emotions. Confusion, frustration, suspicion. The usual. "Go away." He turned again and trotted faster. So did they. It was like six colorful balloons were tied to his tail and dragging along the dusty ground behind him. "Ugh! Leave me alone," he said over his shoulder. "No," Twilight said. "Why not?" "Because you're weird," Rainbow said, "and we don't trust you." "Weird?" He barked a laugh. "You're a talking horse with rainbow hair. And I'm the weird one?" "Huh?" "You're acting rather suspicious," Twilight said. "We've been around enough trouble to recognize it when it falls out of the sky." "Look, I'm not planning anything devious," Lucifer said without stopping his quick trot. "Just leave me alone and I'll leave you alone, and then in a week we'll be fine." Rainbow Dash landed hard in front of him. He squeaked in surprise and sat on his haunches, wings partly open. “Does it hurt when you fly?” Rainbow suddenly asked. "Uhhh... what?" "You're not using your wings. Are you, like, hurt or something?" “I just don't like flying,” Lucifer said, examining one of his leathery appendages. “I have to ask, Morning Star,” Twilight Sparkle spoke up from behind. “You aren’t a pure pegapterus, are you?” He rotated his head enough to see her. “Excuse me?” “I mean to say, you must have had only one pegapterus parent, correct?” “Peg-gap-ter-iss?” Lucifer repeated slowly. Twilight’s ears twitched. “A… bat-winged pony, Mister Star?” Something clicked in the Devil’s mind. “Oh, right!” he said with a low laugh. “Is that how you say it? I’ve always pronounced it pega-tare-iss in my mind, see, silencing the middle P. Can’t say I’ve spent much time around others of my kind.” Twilight's eyes narrowed. So did Applejack's. "Why do you ask that, Twilight?" Fluttershy spoke up. “His eyes,” she said. “Your pupils are round like ours, rather than slits like a dragon’s. That’s where the race comes from, you see: interbreeding between pegasi and draconic creatures thousands of years ago.” “Eeeeww!” Pinkie Pie grimaced, shuddering so badly that her hair quivered through the rest of her protest. “Twilight, that’s gross! Dragons and ponies can’t interbreed.” “Not dragons, Pinkie,” Twilight expounded. “Draconic creatures. It was long before the Pre-Classical Era; the creatures in question are probably extinct now, at least within Equestria.” “Your mane’s different, too,” Fluttershy added softly. “Pegapteri have webby manes that match their wings. Yours is lovely.” She seemed surprised at her own compliment, shrinking beneath a lock of pink hair that she somehow managed to drape over her entire face. Lucifer was thrown off by the comment. "It is?" he asked, and reached up a hoof to feel the hair that curled around and under his large ears. "Huh..." Fluttershy smiled at his strange reaction. "Hasn't anypony ever complimented your mane before, Mister Star?" "Uh... yeah, sure," Lucifer said, playing with the locks above his eyes. "All the time." "Y'know," said Applejack, "if you really don't got nothin' to hide, you could just tell us what yer doin' here without all the lies." "Hmm? Oh." He cleared his throat and slicked his mane back. "Force of habit, I guess. Yeah, no, no one's ever complimented me before." “Well, she's certainly right,” Rarity said, approaching him. “Your coloring is simply dazzling. Such rich, somber tones in your mahogany coat and dark grey mane, stunningly contrasted by those brightest of eyes.” Lucifer grinned a little, his curiosity getting the best of him. “What color would you call them?” “Your eyes?” she asked. “Goodness, I can hardly say. Common nomenclature hardly seems to do them justice. I suppose that, refraining from slang, I would have to call them… chartreuse!” Well, that didn’t exactly help. Hailing from the colorless depths of Hell itself, Lucifer had never been much of a decorator. His smile drooped as Rarity put a thoughtful hoof to her chin. “Oh, I bet you look absolutely fabulous in black…” she mused, more to herself than anypony else. "Rarity, this guy could be some kind of crazy villain!" Rainbow Dash said. "And you're thinking about playing dress up with him?" "Well, can't you just imagine him in a top hat?” Rarity said, pointing to indicate the invisible piece. "Oh, no, never mind, it would hide your coiffure. Oh, of course! A fashionable collar piece!” “Rarity—” “Oh, what am I saying? Hoity Toity stopped wearing his weeks ago! Celestia forbid I design you something out of style.” Lucifer grunted. "Yeah, I'm not a model, lady." “A bow tie wouldn’t be enough,” Rarity continued under her breath, “but a cloak would be far too much... maybe a vest?” Lucifer's ears pricked. "A vest?" He looked down at his chest. "Hmm... that would actually be pretty..." He blinked and shook his head hard. "No! For Dad's sake, leave me alone! I'm just gonna head out into the desert or whatever and hang around for a week. If you don't bother me I won't bother you, and everyone south of the clouds will be happy." "South of the clouds?" Twilight repeated, glancing upward. Lucifer whipped around and galloped away. Rainbow started to follow, but Applejack grabbed her tail in her teeth. "No use, Rainbow," she said, shaking her head. "Some ponies just ain't lookin' fer friendship." "I'm not looking for friendship either, Applejack," Rainbow yelled. "Can't you see he's clearly dangerous?" "He's headed away from Ponyville," Twilight said. "Maybe he's serious about staying away." "I don't buy it," Rainbow said, folding her forelegs. "Well, we'll keep an eye out," Twilight said, pushing her mouth to one side. "I doubt Morning Star is worse than anything we've handled before." ~~~ Lucifer grumbled under his breath. "A vest... wants to make a stupid black vest. Who cares about a vest? Can't believe I was gonna... pff. Stupid ponies and their pies and..." He glanced over the shoulder. The six mares were nowhere in sight. In fact, nothing much was in sight at all. Just a brown, cartoony desert filled with rocks and dirt. "That's more like it," he said with a crooked grin. He dropped to his haunches and outstretched his wings. "Ooohh... that does kinda hurt, actually," he said aloud. "Maybe I just need to..." Still sitting, he started flapping his wings as hard as he could. A few rough flaps slid him through the dirt, but there was no takeoff. "Pff... stupid wings." He folded them back at his sides and stared toward the horizon. A great, skinny mountain poked up in the distance. Some sort of city hung from its side. "Looks like Olympus has been sliding," he said, chuckling at himself. "Too bad. That kept 'em distracted from the Big Guy for centuries." He stared at the hazy silhouette a bit longer and then drug his hooves through the dirt. "Yup. Just gotta sit here and wait... for one week... and then I'll win the challenge. Ha haaa. God won't know what hit Him." "I know everything," a voice said from behind him. The Devil yelped and spun around, on his hooves faster than he knew he could jump. "Jeez, Dad, don't do that! Especially when I'm totally powerless like this." "You're cheating," God said. He wore an amused grin. The Devil guffawed. "What?" "You're cheating. You can't just hide away in the desert and expect to win this bet. You have to be among the ponies for one week and not make a single friend. That's the only way I'll let you keep your garbage on the internet." "Okay, first of all, it is not my garbage. That stuff is disgusting. But it does its job." He cleared his throat. "Secondly, I can't cheat if we didn't establish any rules in the first place." "We did." "And lastly, I'm the freaking Devil! Cheating is kind of my thing." "And justice is kind of mine," God said. "So if you want to win this fair and square -- which is the only kind of winning I accept -- I suggest you follow their hoofprints back to their village and prove to me that these ponies are nothing more than exploitable fiction." Lucifer groaned. "Thaaaat's soooo stuuuupiiiiiid." God only laughed, shaking the rocks around them, and then he disappeared. Lucifer offset his jaw and paced in tight circles. "Go back to their stupid village and show the stupid ponies... exploitable? They're less than exploitable! They're Flash animated nothingness with forced adorability! Grruuugh..." He stopped and looked back to where he'd climbed out of the gorge. "Okay, fine. I'll go crash these ponies' party. What's a better way to avoid friendship than showing them just how villainous I really am?"