Sun butt was pissing me the feck off. Why was a white horse even jealous can horses get jealous? Hell if I know. There was a train and some horse man thing and I bet his cock is huge and holy shit what the hell is up with horse dicks? Where do they even go when they're not out? Is there a pocket dimension full of horse pussy and cocks just floating around? Can they get pregnant if they touch in the genital dimension? Feck man I don't know.
The ache in my head was as bad as when my father first introduced me to the English classic that was gin and tonic. Why any sane man would bloody put that medicine tasting shite down their throat I'll never know. The hangover from a few of those was a ton similar to how I was currently feeling.
This is South Command did we attain contact with the pink or the stink?
That is a no south command. We have not completed operation Dry Spell.
I opened my grime encrusted eyes with a groan and hissed as a torrent of bright sunlight assaulted my eyes like a Scotsman on a herd of sheep. Whatever hit me in the head had a greater force behind it than my ma when she caught me stickin' my hand in the biscuit jar. Last thing I could remember was finally gettin' lucky with a cute lass then some white glowing bimbett hit me in the head. Shite I still couldn't think straight. The sound of running engines and the slow hum of a man however startled me enough in my dazed state to roll over and open one eye.
"Good afternoon Mr. Killian." Bishop whispered as his tail swished across his backside. He was sitting on a large velvet bench with a thick book in his left hand while the other juggled a ripe red apple.
"Feck and shite all of you to hell." I growled as my left arm supported me while I tried to sit upright.
He looped an arm under my shoulder and hoisted me up with ease that made me feel like a small child in his grasp. It was strong, true, and most definitely more gentle than I would have thought from a beast probably weighing close to a ton.
"You have been out for some time. I was worried that perhaps the Ordained Princess struck you too hard." He commented as he sat back down and started reading his book.
"Feck your princess and feck you." I grumbled while rubbing my eyes.
"Perhaps another time."
Wait what the feck did he just say?
I looked from over my hands at Bishop who now sported a smile under his well trimmed beard. His eyes followed my feet to my face as he nodded.
"Surprised?" He chuckled, focusing back on his book.
"You bet your hybrid ass I'm surprised! Jesus, Mary, and Patrick I didn't know you were a fruity pop!" I yelled through my hands.
His smile wavered before one eye looked to me.
"I have spent many, many years wandering the world Mr. Killian. You would not be the first strange creature to earn my glance." He began as he turned a page, "Nor would you be the last. After so many years wandering this world I have found that the habit of making oneself uncertain in personality to garner attraction is greatly flawed."
He closed his book and looked to me with his full attention. Jesus the eyes on this guy were sure enough to pierce right through the bank of Stirling.
"So I intend to make my interest known. To say that your primal movements during courtship are unrefined would be a great understatement," He began as he stood and took two steps to be right in front of me, "However I find that it is indeed a breath of fresh air compared to the quiet and restrained advancements of pony kind. So even if I am to serve as your guardian and mentor be quite aware that I am also admiring your actions and mannerisms. I look forward to us spending more time together and learning from one another. Where as my knowledge of the arcane shall benefit you I'm sure the ways of your people will benefit myself."
I sat down blasted far the feck away by the completely blunt... flirt? Was he feckin flirting with me?
"Are you feckin flirting with me?" my mouth voiced as a direct link to my brain ran unfiltered.
He smiled again and a very, very small part of me felt a thrill.
"I'm thoroughly confused Bishop. For one I'm definitely not some kind of beast as you make me out to be, two I'm definitely not interested in takin' a three foot long meat log, and three seriously what the feck!"
"As one of two witnesses to your handling of the young Maire I can say you are indeed quite predatory. Whether or not that is an adverse effect to the magic you've been absorbing is yet to be seen. Aside from that yes, yes I am flirting with you." He paused and closed the book in his hands gently. "With any luck at the end of this journey you'll be alive to learn a thing or two from me. Now I believe your other interest will be coming down the hall to check on you once again for the fiftieth time this day."
Sure enough the door to our car banged twice which elicited a chuckle from the centaur.
"I'll leave you to your thoughts Mr. Killian. Rest assured until such a time comes as you shut down my advancements I will wait much like a predator waits for prey." He looked at me with a toothy grin and rolled his eyes. "Good afternoon to you."
He opened the door and nodded to the pony next to him, closing the door and leaving me with a visibly distressed and apparently angry Maire. Her mane was a disheveled and terrible mess, bags were under her eyes, her hoodie was a crumpled mess, and her eyes were dagger fine pin pricks.
"YOU."
Shit.
She moved in a gray and blue blur and tackled me against the wall. For a soft plushie like thing Maire had a shit load of power behind her run. Her head collided with my chest and knocked the wind right out of me. Bottles of Guinness flew around my eyes as I heard the distinct angry muffling of the young mare. I put a hand on her head and scratched gently as my eyes rolled into the back of my head.
More tears, more worry. Jesus fuck can't a guy get a break?
She looked up at me with her big sparkling eyes and sniffed in the most unladylike fashion imaginable. Feck it all it was adorable.
"I thought you were dead." She muttered as she pressed her head against my chest.
"Well I'm not. Just hurt like a sum' bitch." I reassured her as I looked around the cabin.
Wasn't a cabin oh no. I was sitting on a bed in a god damn PALACE. The room was huge, a table was set against the opposing wall with food and drinks, the bench across from me was large enough to fit half a football team, the true football not the American shit, and the entire place was filled with more expensive stuff than the Queen of England probably had in her mansion.
Jesus you'd think I was some right kind of celebrity.
"Celestia hit you upside the head when you and I were... um..." She blushed hard and buried herself into my chest.
"Damn it that was embarrassing. Five seconds away from the best rut of my life and that damn sun ass walks in and takes it away from me." She growled as her hooves hit my chest with a soft thud,
"Hey now don't mean we can't continue where we started!" I glowed as I pat her head gently.
"Killian; chances are that Bishop, Twilight, or goddess forbid Celestia would just pop in before I got those damn pants off of you."
Man I am sensing a universal cock block pattern behind all of this.
"Well who's to say they would?" I growled as I tickled her sides.
"Because it is far more entertaining to see you this way." Came the motherly voice that sent chills down my spine.
"CELESTIA GOD FECKIN DAMNIT CAN I HAVE MAYBE FIVE GOD DAMN MINUTES OF PRIVACY YOU MOLESTING ABUSIVE HORSE!"
The sun goddess smiled above me as a tongue slipped between her lips and blew a raspberry at me.
"I have to have some fun! It's not every century that a creature comes to my kingdom and treats me like just an average pony." She said with a pout.
"YOU KNOCKED ME OUT COLD I'M IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND TO RIP YOUR HORN OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!" I yelled as I came toe to hoof with the princess and shoved a finger in her chest.
"Oh don't go and promise a mare a good time like that." She added with a wink and a shake of her tail.
Jesus fuck all the creatures are crazy masochists.
"Just... why are you still here?" I muttered while face palming myself.
"Why to keep you company until we reach Vale of course! I have a dear friend that is currently there sorting out some chaos from a rampaging Diamond Dog war band. Dreadful things really." She chimed in as she walked over to the food bar with a wiggle.
"Hey leave some food for him! He hasn't eaten in three days." Maire yelled as she scrunched her muzzle and stormed up to the table.
Man sounds like you're about to have some kind of multi-species harem.
"Who the hell said that?" I asked out loud.
Oh don't mind me, I'm too meta for you. Probably a leftover voice from blunt trauma you know.
I grumbled and rubbed my temples. I was getting mighty sick of the comic book like shenanigans that were taking place at my expense.
"Killian, we had something made specially for you." Maire cleared her throat and hovered a plate to me with a silver dome over the top of it.
I hesitantly opened the top and about cried as the scent of parsley, cayenne pepper, and meat filled my head. It was a plate with two of the nicest steaks I had ever seen in my life. Lord I had almost forgot meat in my short time in this nightmare world. Hands shot out with no further command from my mind and grabbed the juicy cutlet, jamming the whole thing into my mouth.
"I told you, he's more primal than we know." Bishop called as he entered the car.
Feck the horse man fruit pop I'm enjoying this meat.
"If we can maybe take five minutes and not talk about which of you wanna have me all to yourself, can we maybe discuss what the hell is going on?" I yelled with the last bit of delicious ambrosial meat in my happy gut.
The room was quiet. Maire was blushing fiercely, Celestia was biting her lower lip which was covered in cake icing, and Bishop had one eyebrow raised and arms crossed.
"Very well. I suppose then we should discuss the point of this merry journey. In roughly an hour we will reach Frost Vale. It is a town that stands as a gate to the neighboring kingdom of Cloudhaven. There we will travel on train till we reach the border where we will begin our journey through the forests of Nocticotul, then we will reach the kingdom of Saddle Arabia." Bishop monologued as I attempted to pour myself a cup of coffee.
I'm not awake enough for this shite.
"Why do you make it sound so easy?" I asked as I took a generous sip of the molten brew, "Nothing in life is so easy. Where's the part where you tell me there's certain doom, death, and peril?"
Everyone in the room blinked and continued to stare at me like I was a true idiot.
"W-why would there be death, doom, and peril?" Maire asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Because I'm heading to an unknown land to seek out some kind of cure for a disease that shouldn't right exist in your world?" I encouraged with a wave of my hand. "Hello? Protagonist story here, I've read enough books and seen enough shows to know that it is never as simple as get to point B from point A."
The silent staring continued. Bishop thankfully broke the silence.
"There may be minor resistance but I still do not see why you would think so hard on the matter. I am more than capable of defending myself and you from any attacker."
Maire puffed up and stood up to me with a scowl.
"I'm tough too you know! I can beat your sorry ass can't I?"
Oh boy, competition between the two people that want to jump my bones, joy.
The fight never came but both Bishop and Maire had a stare off while I tried to perhaps garner some useful information from the princess.
"So who are you seeing in Frost Vale?"
She smiled with her cheeks filled with cake and shook her head.
"You'll meet him soon enough."
More cryptic bullshite. Fan-feckin-tastic.
The train began to screech and pulled to a slow halt as Maire and Bishop broke their glare to look back to me.
"It seems we have arrived. I advise you to wear the winter clothes provided in your compartment Mr. Killian it is quite cold out there." Bishop said as he began to make his way to the next car.
Celestia smiled and set her empty plate down on the table. With a quick curtsy to me she popped out of existence in cake aroma pink light. Yet again, and definitely not for long, I was left with the unicorn I had tried time and time again to have to myself.
"So. I guess this is where we set off and a grand adventure?" I quipped while grabbing a bag from the upper storage shelf.
Maire sighed and nodded her head.
"So do I have to compete with mister mysterious?" She asked.
I groaned and got to my knees making sure to grab her marshmallow soft face in my hands.
"No Maire. I haven't even had a chance to think about anything other than pain, hunger, and the now ever present need to pin you to the floor and have my fair share of carnal pleasure."
Maire widened her eyes with a blush and gulped.
"I swear to Saint Patrick first true quiet chance I get I'm gonna pin you to a wall and make sure you can't even stand straight. When you think you're able to get around I'm gonna do it again, and again, and again until you're pretty arse is stuck in this damn train."
I turned back to Maire after putting a large white coat on and saw she was shivering and blushing a fierce shade o' red.
"You better keep that damn promise." She whispered as her eyes looked away.
Still feckin adorable.
I pulled the door open to the blistering winter wind of the white capped platform and winced at the sheer force of cold. The princess and Bishop weren't kidding about the mountains oh no. The snowy pass was devoid of anything sans the platform and the expanse of pure white in front of me. Where the hell was the town? The city? A god damn urinal would have been a welcome sight.
"Do you think it's too quiet?" Maire whispered as she pulled the hood over her head.
"Oh don't go saying that. It's always bad luck to-"
The ground shook violently and a roar like a bear and a dog erupted all around us as four hulking abominations strangely similar to my old hound tore from the earth and stood around us. Each wore a white hooded vest and had claws like daggers pointed menacingly at us. They looked like an assortment of dogs only much bigger and much, much more dumb looking. I thought the rugby players back home were ugly and dumb looking but these boys would have a run for their money.
"God dammit Maire."
Maire got low and looked to the beasts that began to surround us. Each of the fierce dog folk began to advance slowly with a deep growl that made even my steel will shake.
Where the hell is Bishop? Isn't he supposed to be protecting me!?
Now, now. Don't you know better than to have such wishful thinking?
"Who the hell is talking?" I muttered under my breath as I grabbed my head in my hands.
"Apologies but that would be me!" Came a very creepy old male voice.
I looked up and around my shoulder to see a truly bizarre creature posing on his side atop the train. His body was like a reptiles with a long red tail that flared with a sort of fin. His gold and red eyes looked down at me with some kind of look between a mad Scotsman and a thirsty drunk which in itself was both frightening and horrifying. A bear arm extended from behind his back and in a flash of bright light he appeared at my side which caused Maire to shriek and jump into my arms.
"Cut the intros short. My name is Discord, god of chaos, here's my card." He sneered as he popped a card into the collar of my shirt with a wink.
"Well boys! Looks like we might need some back up!" He yelled as a spatula appeared in his hand a colander on his head which hung weirdly over one horn.
"Oops. Looks like I left my weapons in my other suit. Would you have anything on you?" He asked as a arm strangely like a chickens leg made a grabby gesture at me.
"FECK NO I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!"
Discord rolled his eyes and snapped a finger. Within a microsecond a strange boy band tune begun playing seemingly out of nowhere and a swirling cloud of yellow smoke and glitter spun rapidly in between myself and the dog things. Within the last few days I had seen some insane things but this? This was beyond feckin crazy.
"I choose you Al! Use sweet moves!" Discord yelled as a strange baseball cap and blue vest manifested on his body.
A tan stallion burst from the swirling sparkly mass and stood with his chest pushed out in some kind of dominant fashion. His wavy dark brown hair waved carelessly in front of his face as he... he...
"Are you moonwalking!?" I yelled while in the process dropping Maire.
The bastard flipped around and stood on his back legs while leaning back and casting a hoof through his hair moving it out of his face. A bright lime green eye shown and sparkles flew from his hair as he whipped 180 degrees and proceeded to moonwalk towards the beasts.
"Oh nice! So glad I made him forget flamethrower for this." Discord cheered as he raised a hand and tossed cash at the dancing stallion.
I really have no clue what is going on.
"I'ts a dance battle you paddy drunk!" Discord whispered in my ear as a fist tapped the top of my head. "Now shut up and enjoy the stallions dance moves."
I watched as the stallion in question bucked wildly and planted his back hooves into the jaws of the first dog then propelled himself up with the kick and socked the one next to him right in the chest. I began to join Discord and yelled support while waving my arm over my head like a man at his first bare knuckle brawl.
After a series of flourishing kicks and a fifteen second smoke break, don't ask, the stallion trotted up to me and extended a hoof. His eyes looked kind but had an edge of insanity to them. The fluff on his neck reminded me a little of Maire and judging by her sudden silence I figured she was trying to figure out what the hell happened.
"Almond Bark. Pleasure to meet you sir." The stallion spoke with a chipper smile and a wink. His hoof bumped my fist with a satisfying crack and he turned to Discord with a chuckle.
"Did you see the look on the last ones face when I bucked him right in the boys? Tell me his eyes looked like they almost popped out."
Discord waved a claw non nonchalantly and murmured.
"You didn't do half bad kid. I'll give it to you ya got spunk."
Almond smiled and pumped his hoof in the air.
"Element of Crazy here I come!"
A cold breeze whipped up behind us as I could hear Celestia clearing her throat.
"Element of what?" She asked with a cold stare at Discord.
Discord sputtered and seemed to shrink a tad with a wolfish grin.
"Well you have your Elements of Harmony I figured why not have some Elements of Chaos?" He whispered as he tapped his fingers together and gave what I'd describe as a desperate attempt at puppy eyes.
Celestia scrunched her muzzle and continued to drill holes in the strange creature as I diverted my attention to Maire.
"So you um. You ok?" I asked as I poked her side.
She looked at me with wide eyes and merely shook her head.
"What the hell was that?"
Well hello it's me Discord! Celestia and the writer didn't seem to like my little number with the boy band where we'd sing to victory but poo on him right! Well audience it's time for your voices to be heard! Who will the young Irishman boink first? Will he go at
A. The OC Pony?
B. Celestias sweet fat cake ass?
C. Take a giant meat log for the team?
OR
D. Me! I mean look at me, I am so hot you know.
I looked at the creature staring at seemingly nothing and merely blinked.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked as my hand twitched with the desire to punch the crazy dragon bear thing.
"Oh poo. I thought I was breaking fourth wall exposition! The writer must really have a drunken iron grip on the story."
Celestia came to my side with an eye twitch and sighed.
"Don't mind him. He doesn't seem to know what he's doing."
Discord looked to me with a wide grin and clapped his hands together.
"ENDCHAPTERNOW SAYS WHAT?" He yelled.
"What?"