//------------------------------// // Chapter 11: Every Wizard has a Summer Home // Story: Humphrey Dinklehuegen and the Talking Horses // by Unwhole Hole //------------------------------// Sunflower reached into the bag and pulled something far larger than should have reasonably fit into it out of its opening. As she roughly dumped the contents onto the floor, Sweetie Belle gasped. It was not actually an object, but a girl, bound and gagged. “It- -it’s HER!” she cried, stepping back as she recognized the dragon-girl from before. “You know her?” said Sunflower, re-synching the bag and returning it to her coat. “To get out, I stole one of their clothing. I found her injured and decided I would confiscate her.” “And you fit her in that little thing?” said Trixie. “The bag? Oh. It’s bigger on the inside. They’re commercially available.” “I got stuck in an outhouse like that once,” said Humph. “A blue one. After the curry festival. Oh boy, its owner was NOT happy.” The girl writhed and shouted into her gag, pulling herself slowly across the white tile floor of a large but completely empty room. “But what if she tries to become a dragon again?” said Fluttershy. “What if she tries to eat us?” “I injected her with a magic-limiting potion,” said Sunflower. “So she won’t be able to do magic for some time. That, and I snapped her wand.” Sunflower held up the several small pieces. “Repeatedly.” “Wow,” said Humph. “You really are a Slytherin.” “You bet your sweet butt.” Sunflower, still in her human form, knelt down and sat the girl up. It was immediately apparent that one of the girl’s eyes had been permanently forced to look in a separate direction than the other. “Her eye,” said Sweetie Belle. “That? Yeah. Someone hit her with a derping spell. I’m guessing that was you?” “Actually, it was the Great and Powerful Trixie,” said the Great and Powerful Trixie. “Oh. Well, most of the stuff with her brain is cleared, but not all of it. I’m afraid part of the brain damage is permanent.” With that, she removed the girl’s gag, which was actually just a piece of duct tape. Sweetie Belle winced from the sound it made, but a torrent of Scottish swearing immediately followed it. “Hold on,” said Humph, “I know how to talk to them!” He squatted down, and the girl stopped yelling but not glaring at him- -or as close to at him as she could glare. Humph just stood there for a moment, and then raised his hand in a gesture of greeting. “Hoots, man!” he said, slowly. This was followed by what Sweetie Belle assumed was the worst possible language in the Scottish language. It eventually resolved into something marginally understandable. “You dirty Anglo git, how dare you talk to me like that- -we do NOT say that it’s not even a normal phrase I’ll have you know that I’m a member of the Changs and one of us almost graduated from Hogwarts not that it matters if I get out of this I’ll eat you and allllll of your horses- -” “She says she wants haggis,” said Humph, translating. “Why did you attack us?” said Sunflower. “Who are you? Who do you work for?” The girl immediately went silent. “Not going to talk, then?” said Sunflower. “You’re not going to get a thing out of me. I ain’t talking.” “Fine, then,” said Sunflower, sounding annoyed. “We do this the hard way.” She looked around the room. It was mostly empty and completely unfurnished- -like the rest of the house- -save for a lone halogen lamp apparently left behind by the painters. Sunflower crossed the room and picked it up, removing the heavy metal pole from the center. “Dinklehugen, is this floor sealed?” “Of course it is.” “Good. Because it’s about to get really messy.” She carried the pole back to the girl and pointed it at her. “I’m going to hit you with this, and you’re going to be in a lot of pain until you tell me who you are. You’ve got that?” “Do your worst.” Sunflower raised the pole. “Wait!” said Trixie. Sunflower paused. “If you don’t like it, don’t watch.” “Don’t be stupid. That will leave marks.” She drew her wand. “There are much better ways to do this.” Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened. “Trixie, you can’t- -” “Oh, I can. And I will.” She leveled the wand at the girl, and for the first time the girl’s eyes flickered with a glint of fear. “I would never be able to perform the spell on my own, but with this wand…” She smiled. “This will teach you to try to eat the Great and Powerful Trixie! I’m so going to enjoy this.” “I- -I won’t talk!” said the girl. “You can torture me until I go insane I won’t- -” “RICKTUSEMPRA!” The girl jolted as if she had been shocked, and then began to writhe as the spell took effect. She fell on her side, shaking violently, trying to resist its effect- -and then burst out laughing when she could no longer hold back. “Stop- -the tickling- -the TICKLING!” she gasped. “Tell Trixie what she wants to know, and Trixie will stop.” “Never!” Trixie flicked her wand again. Another silver beam hit the girl and she roared with laughter and released a girlish squeal. “Tell Trixie what she wants to know, and the tickling will stop.” “No, I can’t- -” She squealed again, trying to get her arms free to block the magical tickling. “I can’t- -OKAY! OKAY! Just stop the tickling! Just STOP!” Trixie lowered her wand, and the girl was left on the ground breathing heavily. “Now remember,” said Trixie. “If I even think you’re lying to me, you get the tickling again. You’ve got that?” “Fine,” said the girl, sitting up. “But if anyone asks, you used the crutaciatus curse on me and I lasted for two hours. If anybody found out that I got tickled into submission…” “That doesn’t sound like an answer.” Trixie raised her wand again. “Wait! My name is Liu Chang. I work for the British Import and Export company.” “Wait- -imports?” “And exports, yes.” Trixie looked to Humph, and Humph shrugged. “Smugglers,” said Sunflower. “You’re smugglers.” “We’re legitimate businessmen! Who happen to deal in stolen/illegal/apocalyptically dangerous artifacts.” “But then why were you after us?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Isn’t it obvious? For the unicorn blood, of course.” “B…b…blood?” said Fluttershy, who promptly fainted. “Yeah, that’s about right for an English reaction to the mention of the word ‘blood’,” said Liu. Sweetie Belle looked distressed. “Why- -why would you want our blood?” “It is a very powerful magical substance,” said Sunflower. “Powerful to the point of foolishness. Even I’m not daring enough to try to use any of that- -it’s the only centaur tradition that I actually still follow.” “What does it…do?” “It lets you ignore your own death,” said Humph, darkly. “What it does doesn’t matter,” said Liu. She looked at Sweetie Belle, who was only a few years younger than herself. “I mean, how much blood do you have, a pint? You could be made of solid gold and be worth a hundredth of the amount of blood in you.” “But I need my blood! It’s what makes me so adorable!” “She’s not getting any blood,” said Trixie, trying to comfort the younger unicorn. “We won. They’ll never find us here.” “Don’t be so sure,” said Liu. “When it comes to money, we’re persistent. I will get free. And we will take your blood. Every. Last. DROP.” Sweetie Belle started crying, disturbed by even the thought of someone being after her blood. She had no idea that it was magical, or that they would be willing to capture her and bleed her just for the sake of money. It was extremely deponyizing. “It’s going to be okay,” said Trixie. “No it isn’t! My- -our blood! They want our blood!” “That’s not that bad,” said Humph, picking up the piece of tape that had been covering Liu’s mouth. He replaced it where it had been. “She could have been after your horns or something.” “Those are also a valuable alchemical reagent,” said Sunflower. “They’ll probably take those too.” This did not comfort Sweetie Belle at all, and she cried harder. Even Trixie was starting to look shaken. “I mean- -” “Just stop,” said Trixie. “You’re not making us feel any better.” “Sorry.” It took several hours for Trixie and Sweetie Belle to calm down. Humph put them in one of the upstairs rooms, the only one that actually had a bed. They had both fallen asleep very quickly. Fluttershy, meanwhile, had redoubled her efforts on her portal device now that she was completely aware that the wizarding world was entirely hostile to her and her friends. Humph opened the door and checked on the two unicorns. They were both asleep, and though adorable, it was clear that Sweetie Belle was still having bad dreams. Humph sighed and closed the door. “So,” said Sunflower, who had suddenly appeared behind him and was still maintaining her unfamiliar human form. Humph nearly jumped out of his skin, which, as a wizard, was entirely possible for him to do. “Are they going to be okay?” “Not if their blood gets ganked, no,” said Humph. “They’d be dry little husks!” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare them. It’s just…I’m not good with people. Even pony people.” “It’s okay. I think. They’ll get over it. But we need to get them back home as soon as possible. I mean…their blood. Their goshdarn blood. Why would somebody even try to do that? They’re sentient creatures!” “You mean the species that drove our unicorns to extinction? Yeah. This is completely unexpected.” Humph just sighed, and started walking down the hall. “And what are we going to do with the girl?” said Sunflower. “What do you think? We’re going to let her go as soon as the ponies are safe.” “Let her go- -do you know what she is?” “A smuggler. She won’t have any reason to bother us once her goal is gone. And we can just go home, and continue this like it never happened.” “Do you really think that will work?” “No,” said Humph. “But I like to hope.” He stopped at a window and looked out at the sea and the fields that surrounded his empty, nearly unfurnished secondary home. Sunflower approached him from the side and also looked out the window. “Thank you,” he said. “For capturing the Scot?” “No, no, that actually made things worse. I mean for helping us get out of there.” “You owe me,” said Sunflower. “You owe me BIG.” “Yeah,” sighed Humph. “I guess I do.” They stared out the window for several minutes longer, and then Sunflower seemed to shift. She turned toward Humph and took a deep breath. “So. You think I’m attractive?” “Yes. Of course,” said Humph. “I assumed that was obvious.” “Well…my human form will last for about one more hour. So we can…if you want to…” “What?” “Snog?” Humph blinked. He did not actually know what that meant, but he had a few guesses. “What?” “I don’t mind. If you want to. But if you do, you’re going to have to hurry. I know you like this body. The source used to be a model before she expired. By your human standards, I’m extremely attractive right now.” “Eh…not really.” Sunflower glared. “What?” “It’s just that, well, you look so much better as a centaur. The pointy ears, the big yellow eyes, the dark skin, the punk-rocker haircut. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. That’s just the you I expect to see.” “I have a horse attached to my body,” said Sunflower, slowly. “And that’s not a bad thing. It’s just a part of you.” “Are you saying you’re attracted to horses? What are you, some kind of pervert?” “Well, come on, it’s not like you’re an actual horse! I mean, all that brown fur. And do you remember that one winter when you didn’t shave your legs and you got those little fetlock ploofs? That was frigging adorable.” Sunflower blushed heavily. “You- -you thought my fetlock tufts were cute?” “And it’s not even that. It’s not what you look like that matters. It’s that every time I need help, you’re always there for me. Sure, you yell at me and sometimes hit me, but any time I have a problem you don’t even question it. When I’m panicked and don’t know what to do, you always do. And you…well, you actually tolerate me.” “So…what?” “So? Well, nothing. Unless you want to go to Knockturn Alley sometime. With me. They have a few killer bars. Sometimes literally. Without the polyjuice.” “You’d actually want to spend time with a centaur?” “I already spent time with a centaur. I am right now, even if you don’t look like it.” Humph paused. “But we can still snog. After you change out of that weird-looking blonde form. And maybe I can even ride in your saddle?” Sunflower slapped him, hard. She then turned and stomped off. Before she turned the corner, though, she called out. “We’ll see.”