//------------------------------// // Chapter 10 - Inner Thoughts (Pt.1) // Story: Life Between Death // by cierragp //------------------------------// I really don’t know what I had been doing the past few months. Love? Don’t lie to me. That does not mix with war. I know that all too well. Harmony’s a prime example. Despite everything she wants to hang on to, she still has to leave. I don’t know how to feel sorry or sad anymore. The war had numbed me for so long, I guess emotions just have disappeared. But why hasn’t pain disappeared? Why haven’t the tears and blood taken their effect already? Either way, I shouldn’t love Soarin. Not at this time anyways. You’d think a pony like me would know better than to give herself over during a time like this? Well, guess what? I don’t. I don’t know when to stop; I don’t know what I need to do. All I want is just a bit of warmth back. True, everyone’s been saying that Soarin and Spitfire are together. I guess I’ll just pass. I hope not, because otherwise my gift, loyalty, would then be my curse. The rocks are jagged and difficult against my soles. No one can afford anything right now. The war has to be paid for, and we are the prices. It doesn’t really matter that much for me though. I just hope I don’t get sent to the trenches, because at least half of the ponies sent there never come back, and are never seen. Either they die of their own foolishness, or Sombra’s wrath. But in a world like this, who is truly evil? ~~~ “Soarin?” I call out, not bothering to hide the distaste. Rumor has been that he’s been spending the nights with Spitfire. When Lightning had told me, I just labeled it crap. “Rainbow!” A silly, goofy smile spreads on his face, as he heads towards me. The one I see nearly every day, and the one that’ll be what breaks my heart. The only hope I have is that the rumors are false. Everything’s messed up in this world. Scootaloo isn’t sweet nor kind anymore; her grouchy attitudes are enough to get me away. She might just be having mood swings, but something tells me it isn’t so. “I’ve been waiting for you a long time!” His smile is so genuine, I had to smile back. I feel a bit of regret for regarding him so coldly earlier, when had been nothing but sweet and kind and helpful to me. Soarin wraps a wing around me. And worst of all, I do recognize what I feel. Love. Destructive as a bomb planted in a town, dangerous as the darkest magic of the world itself. I don’t want that to happen. But yet, I never resist. I’ve always been a stupid mare somehow, always getting tangled up in things I don’t know how to deal with, whereas ponies like Scootaloo and Lightning can do just fine. I can’t. I don’t have their talents. And I’m not particularly liked. You’d think a commander would be respected, but oh no, that’s not the case here. I had found frogs, toads, maggots and even fleas in my personal items, and the giggling of students as I walk past. It was only after I broke two wings and at least five legs of ponies that did not obey our – Lightning and my – commands did the troublemakers stop. Yet Soarin was lying down, and pulling me with him. I didn’t really have a choice – leaving just seemed too hard. I do know that I loved him, but these feelings aren’t meant to be acted upon. Sometimes I feel like I’m insane. The world spins and I hear things. The screams, the battle cry – anything that had happened recently, but some older. Pinkie’s sobs – although I had never seen it, I could picture it clearly as the day. I don’t think anyone would loved a mare so insane that she hears voices, or a mare that returns home after months on a battlefield, haunted by the memories of fallen comrades and bloodshed and the battle cry. But I’m both of them. I am the mare who went to the battlefield. I am the mare who had gone insane. I am the mare that no one would want. Sometimes some things are better unspoken. Soarin’s warmth beside me makes me feel much better. I suppose I can always pretend that he is mine, and I can have him, but at the end, the loser would be me. “Soarin?” I asked quietly. “Yes?” His deep voice drifts back, gentle as I had remembered. He had always been kinder than the rest of us. Rumor says that he still has a heart. “Why are you being so kind to everyone?” Stupid question, I know, but I didn’t want to be stuck in silence ever again. It reminds me of death, when the final breath is drawn and everyone bows their heads in silence, some weeping quietly and the others with the danger of tears. Either way, a stupid question sounds better to me. “I don’t know.” He seems flustered, and a light blush is spreading on his face. “I just feel like that, well, everyone seems so sad. I feel like they could all use a little kindness. I mean, it’s what we do, right?” He’s waiting for me to answer. But I don’t know what to say. “Yeah…” Was the only thing that came to mind. Why did I always act so stupid around him? “I guess.” He says quietly, staring at the stars. “That’s Orion.” “Nice.” I felt a bit compelled to show what I could as well. “And that’s the Pegasus, and Capricorn and the Snake. I forgot the term for that one.” “How do you know all that?” Soarin asks quite suddenly. “One of my friends taught me. Her name was Twilight Sparkle. She’s in Canterlot, as the Princess’ protégé. She’s a bookworm.” “Oh…” Something inside Soarin seemed to stir, and he dodged away from my questions. Suddenly I didn’t want to speak anymore. Just let the silence take over. ~~~ Scootaloo was still sleeping. She was much more peaceful during sleep and she doesn’t stir. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling this guilt all the time now, but I guess Scoot’s problems are partially mine. But this makes no sense why she’s so mad at me now. How hard is this? I always thought it would be easy, but I was – and still am – rethinking that over and over. I don’t know. The only answer I could have found with my muddled mind. War is hard. Love is harder. Seeing someone you love hurt is the hardest.