“Sorry I’m late!” Rainbow called out as soon as she saw Fluttershy and Rarity. Rarity lay on a bench wearing her swanky purple dress, while Fluttershy paced close beside her.
“Where have you been?” Fluttershy said as she embraced Rainbow. “I’ve been trying to reach you for days.”
“I’ve been playing The Adventure Book!” Rainbow said. She held up her copy, already frayed at the corners and displaying a mud splatter across its cover.
“The Adventure Book?” Rarity said. “That was all the rage with foals in Canterlot last time I visited. Then again, that was last winter.”
Rainbow ignored her. “You got yours, right?” she asked Fluttershy.
“I haven’t had a chance to read it.”
“That’s the thing, you don’t just read it! You go places, and it makes up this story about something else happening around you. Yesterday I was waiting in line at the record shop because somepony was trying to haggle with Vinyl, so I opened it up, and it said I had really stumbled into a sleeping dragon’s lair! I had to find a way to escape with the treasure I’d picked up, but I couldn’t make any noises, or else the dragon would roast me alive! How awesome is that?”
“That sounds…nice.”
“Here, I’ll show you.” Rainbow flipped open the book. Her heart fell when she saw the page. “Oh it’s being boring now. It does that sometimes. ‘There’s nothing of interest here, but to the north, you see foreboding lights splayed across the horizon.’ We have to go that way to see the cool stuff.”
“I’m afraid that must wait,” Rarity said. She rose from the bench. “The witch is here. Surely you feel it by now.”
Rainbow did feel it. The night was alive, imbued with the energy of ponies crowding together in anticipation of something imminent and spectacular. Yet there was no crowd. In fact, it was peculiar how deserted the town center was. She, Fluttershy, and Rarity were the only ponies in sight, and the shops and restaurants usually open late were closed.
Rainbow wondered if everyone else in Ponyville was following their copies of The Adventure Book north.
“Here we are.” Rarity grabbed a piece of the night sky with her hoof and pulled it back like a curtain, revealing a glimpse of dimly lit stands.
“What is that?” Fluttershy said.
“My hunch would be an arena,” Rarity said, smirking. “To your places, girls. It’s time we get this show on the road!”
FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!
MARES AND STALLIONS OF ALL AGES!
Come one, come all, and prepare for the apogee of entertainment under the big top, featuring nothing less than every form of amazement that anypony could ever dream of! Why, you’ll never want to leave.
Ferocious animals and feats of strength!
Riveting adventures and splendid grace!
Abominations and love at first sight!
And most of all, dazzling displays of dynamic dexterity by death-defying daredevils! But be warned: no force of nature can be defied forever.
First things first, tonight’s acts call for three volunteers. How about you, my dear? Yes, you, the unicorn in the lovely lavender livery. Are these two your wing ponies?
(LAUGHTER)
Unicorns and pegasi peacefully coexisting, what a rarity! Step right up, and introduce yourselves to the crowd. You first, why don’t you take a bow and tell the audience who you are? What’s that? You don’t want to? Well, it’s okay if you’re a little shy.
(LAUGHTER)
It’s time for the first act! With these two dashing flappers among tonight’s volunteers, the only way to start is having them fly through some hoops. Wouldn’t you like that?
(APPLAUSE)
Well, that’s not much enthusiasm. Then again, watching two ponies flying through hoops is a little dull, isn’t it? Perhaps it could be livened up a bit.
Why not with bears?
(APPLAUSE)
That’s the ticket! Here comes the ursine parade, splitting up two-by-two, and proceeding to their designated places. With a single command, every bottom bear rolls onto his back, and reaches his four legs up into the air, while his partner scrambles on top, and perfectly balances paw-to-paw. With their legs matched up, each bear pair creates four fuzzy wuzzy rings to fly through. Can you imagine the effort it takes to heave another bear onto your own four legs? They must be working up quite an appetite like that.
You two might want to start using those wings before the bears get too hungry.
Off and away they go! Barrel rolls and loop-de-loops, nose dives and a roll-off-the-top! Look to the right! That was almost a sonic rainboom, wasn’t it? Almost is never enough, though. Surely you learned that back in Cloudsdale.
What jaw-dropping aerobatics these pegasi have exhibited, even while they’re muzzle-to-snout with bloodthirsty carnivores. There’s only one way to make this even more thrilling. No ring show is complete without some fire, so why not fire-breathing bears?
Watch as these predators open their mouths, and with a mighty flaming roar, light up the evening sky! Those pegasi really have something to fly from now! If it weren’t for the clamor of the bears’ searing breath, you’d be able to hear those ponies’ wails of terror.
It seems their wingless friend is ready to join in on the fun, as her needle and thread are already glowing with magic. And off and away they go, weaving all around the circus, leaping about like a sprite, and returning to this fetching young unicorn. That was quite flashy, but is there more to it?
Yes there is! With one tug of her thread, this single magical mare has toppled every single theatrical bear! They burst into flames as they hit the ground, leaving naught but ash for all their furry fury. How clever of you to wrap that thread around their legs and trip them all up. That’s good. Your friends will need a clever pony before too long.
Here come the fabulous fliers, back to their unicorn friend’s side. How about giving them all a good round of stomping?
(APPLAUSE)
It seems one lucky bear remains. Whatever should be done with him? He deserves a reward for surviving what the rest could not. Well, perhaps he should be the centerpiece of the second act.
Here’s a fun fact for you fine folks. Do you know how a group of crows is called a murder? Well, it turns out a group of bears have a special name, too: a sleuth. What you saw with your very own eyes was this unicorn dispatching a whole sleuth of bears all by herself. So it wouldn’t be very exciting if the next challenge was a mere sleuthless bear. It’s time to think a bit bigger.
Send in the clowns!
Watch them tumble and bumble onto the thoroughfare. There’s a juggler! There’s a sword eater! That one’s got a whoopie cushion! And what about that one? All she carries is a scarlet bucket, its contents to be revealed in due time.
The tumblers leap onto the bear’s back, and soon are joined by the jugglers, sword eaters, whoopie cushioners, and all but the clown with a bucket. She swings her mysterious cargo into the air, disgorging an avalanche of ice raining down on the pile of clowns and bear.
Did you know that there’s also a special name for a group of clowns and one bear covered in ice? Care to hazard a guess what it is?
No?
The answer is, “dragon!”
(APPLAUSE)
As soon as the frosty specks land on the menagerie, they transform into a fearsome ice-breathing dragon! It grows with frigid domination that blots out the stars, and its azure scales shimmer in the scant remaining moonlight. Its mighty head rears on the heroic trio, and a debilitating blast of ice slams into them! Rings of hoarfrost fix the two pegasi in place, but the nimble unicorn has dodged the first assault, and begins her counterattack on the drake. Needle after needle she looses upon it, but the dragon displays a feline agility as its freezing breath catches each pin in midair. The unicorn does not relent, even with the futility of her needlework.
But what’s this? Perhaps the unicorn has been underestimated yet again. Indeed, her arsenal has not been thrown in vain! As each of thousands of needles have been halted in their tracks, the ice has accumulated, forming walls and a dome around the dragon. This unwitting beast has trapped itself!
How? Unbelievable.
That is to say, how unbelievable!
No time to cry over trapped dragons. The show must go on! The triumphant trio free themselves of the icy shackles and enter the center ring, where a fresh challenge is revealed to them. It is not well-worn fairgrounds that separates them from your humble ringmaster’s stand, but an array of tightropes they must cross. Speaking of tight ropes, these ought to keep the feathered duo from taking the easy way across.
Without hesitation, they leap onto the high wire act. What poise they all display! What aplomb! All three are positively unflappable, if for more reason than one. But as they cross the halfway point, a cadre of knife jugglers assemble to raise the stakes even higher. Not so poised anymore, are you?
That nimble unicorn has retained her balance, though, and is making the best of her dire straits on the straight wires. Her needles start flying, knocking scores of knives back to the ground. Now the thread coils around some of the knife handles, grabbing a few blades out of the air, and their razor sharp edges suddenly come back at her adversaries. Her improvised mace needs no refinement in its brutality, for she minces these jugglers faster than new ones can flood in from the shadows! The ponies draw closer to the ringmaster’s stand, ready to pounce unless something thwarts them. But the unicorn hesitates. What could she be waiting for?
SNAP! Through some unbidden force, all three ropes break in unison, plunging the heroes into the void below. Look how close you were to success! You tried your best, ponies, but your time in the limelight is over.
That ending doesn’t leave you all bitter, does it?
(LAUGHTER)
You’re not quite done yet, though. The next, and penultimate act, needs some assistance too.
Introducing our surprise guest, the mysterious chapeaugrapher! Without the use of a single magical spell, this pony transforms a simple loop of felt into many wondrous shapes, each telling its own tale as old as time.
What is the first tableau to be crafted by this art of chapeaugraphy? A twist here, a gentle push there, and the felt has become a festive party hat, with which the chapeaugrapher declares himself the birthday boy! Here come his friends with their presents: one pegasus with a stuffed rabbit toy, a unicorn with a handsome suit, and another pegasus. But the last pegasus came empty hooved! Where could her present be? Oh no, it seems she’s left it at home.
This birthday boy won’t let one forgetful featherbrain ruin his big day. He doffs his hat, and with another curve and a rough pull here, she’s turned it into an aviator’s cap! Our brave pilot takes to the air, her two pegasi companions by her side, as their unicorn friend cheers them all on from the ground. Up and up they fly, until they’re so high that if they were to look down, their friend would appear to be no bigger than a tiny ant scurrying across the ground.
Even if she’s actually an enormous, one-horned steer. This bull is done being a loner on the range and moo-ves back to rejoin the other two cows out grazing. But who’s ever seen a cow with wings? Who’s ever seen two? Never mind that, for the chapeaugrapher dons his cowpony hat. Here he comes, trotting out with the kind of swagger a stallion only gets when he’s never done being a loner on the range. Giddy up, pony and cows! We’ve got more miles to go than a hog has mud!
To where is this herd driven in such a hurry? Why, they’ve got a date on the runway! They’ve arrived at Manehattan, the capital of haute couture, for the annual fashion show. This model comes out in a sleek satin dress. What elegance! This model comes out in a bodice adorned with magnificent jewels. What splendor! This model comes out in austere, military-style boots. What daring! But the first three models have nothing on the chapeaugrapher, and her stunning peacock feather hat!
From the modern day capital of fashion to the royal capitol of olden times, the trio pass through the gates of Everfree Castle to pay tribute to their monarch. The throne room admits their supplicant entry, and before them sits their princess, the chapeaugrapher, with her regal crown. Long may she rule with wisdom and compassion! Forever may the sun and moon shine upon her kingdom!
The busy princess has little time for her court, though. She removes her crown and winds the felt into a rod as tall and scrawny as him. After all, this colt has no need for crowns. What he needs is a sturdy shepherd’s crook to tend his flock. Check! Plus, some well-deserved rest while his charges graze. Check! All that’s missing are some ewes and rams.
And missing is what they are. There’s no sign of those sheep, you dozy colt! While you were lost in sleep, your flock did bolt. Where have those wily wool bags wandered off to?
There’s good news, and there’s bad news. The good news is, the sheep are much closer than you’d expect. See there? Your one-horned ram and two winged ewes just needed to refresh themselves at the nearby watering hole.
The bad news is, here comes the flood! Your poor sheep try to flee, but they seem to be wrapped in chains that are slowly dragging them into the torrent!
At last the grand finale is here, and the heroic trio face their greatest menace. The swollen river forces the air from their lungs and threatens to swallow them whole. Listen to their horrific bleating! Behold their frantic splashing, with their legs so cruelly bound! Is there any hope for them to survive this inescapable mortal peril?
Do you not know the meaning of “inescapable mortal peril?”
Did you not heed the warning that no force of nature can be defied forever?
Will you ever learn from hope’s ceaseless betrayal?
It seems the chapeaugrapher has one last trick up their sleeve. The felt begins to twist yet again, and in a flash of light, the shepherd’s crook becomes a magical aspen staff, glowing turquoise with eldritch energy. The staff hurtles across the circus grounds with frightening speed, crashes into the chains holding the sacrificial lambs, and shatters the steel into a million glinting shards! The clown troupe is quick to bring out fresh shackles, despite the volunteers’ obstinance, but the flying staff turns again, this time aimed squarely at your humble ringmaster. Here it comes, so fast it becomes a howling banshee as it plunges into my black heart!
Fluttershy sputtered for breath. All around her, the circus grounds, the clowns, the shattered chains, and even the river she had been sinking into were crumbling into ash. Rainbow was to her right, flapping her wings to shake off the last remnants of the hallucination. Rarity was behind them, already on her hooves, and glaring at the fourth pony.
The stranger standing before them was unlike any pony Fluttershy had ever seen: a pale pink unicorn wearing a tattered blue cloak with dusty grey trim; an aspen staff with a glowing turquoise gem at its head floating beside them; hints of a midnight black mane with fiery streaks like a comet under a conical hat; taller than any of them and sporting a billy goat’s beard, like a stallion; a face with high cheekbones and a rounded muzzle, like a mare; and eyes like glass orbs holding fragments of the night sky.
“I see you still have nothing better to do than try to get us killed,” Rarity said.
The stranger scowled. “You have only yourself to blame,” they said in a raspy voice. Their staff swung around to point at Rarity. “You did not account for the tightropes breaking, and so fell into the clutches of the witch. If you continue your wanton recklessness, this will not be the last time you compel me to protect you and these innocents.”
“A minor correction, dear. I let you break the tightrope with that flying staff of yours,” Rarity said. “I could have stopped it like I stopped those wicked jugglers’ knives, but I wanted to see how far you would go this time. Apparently, to the brink of drowning. You surprise me yet again with how low you’ll sink.”
The stranger’s staff withdrew. “Have you truly become so callous as to forfeit these ponies’ lives playing a game with me? Or do you expect me to believe you possessed some means to rescue them, had I not saved you all?”
“Must I convince thee that I possessed some means to keepsafe their lives?” Rarity said, mocking the stranger’s voice. “Are you asking me how I was going to get them out of those chains?”
The stranger snorted.
Rarity levitated one of the chains. A crumbling, but open, padlock dangled from it. “I picked the locks while you were busy flaunting your little magic trick. I’m so glad you had a chance to show off your new hobbies, though.”
The stranger’s mouth tweaked, as if they had a retort but held it. Their head turned to the two pegasi.
“Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, my only solace is that you have witnessed Rarity’s duplicity. Do not believe anything she says. She will lead you only to your doom.”
Fluttershy gasped. “How do you know our names?”
“That’s just one of their parlor tricks,” Rarity said. “Quick, check behind your ears. You might find some bits hiding up there!”
The stranger gave Rarity a long, searching look, and then turned away as if to leave.
“Rarity, while you were wasting time impressing these fillies, Cup Cake asphyxiated herself in the oven at Sugarcube Corner.”
The stranger left the three survivors in silence.