Cupcakes A$$ Kicking.

by thewaffler


Rainbow Factory Fun and Lyra Strikes Back.

A/n: Sorry for the delay. I was sober for the past two months and I have a hard time writing sober, also add in job hunting and college into the mix. I'm back on track now.


It had been about a couple of weeks since the last time a pony had discovered a horrible work of fan fiction. Today Rainbow Dash had been asked to foalsit Scootaloo as her dad Horsepower had taken a double shift at the nursing home. She didn't mind foalsitting Scootaloo for the day. Plus she kinda had a soft spot for the orange filly whom worshiped the ground she walked on, which in turn made her job a lot more stress free. She figured all she had to do was tell Scootaloo a couple stories about her awesomeness, show off her Wonderbolt memorabilia, let her play with Tank, order a pizza and put her to bed till her dad picked her up in the morning. "Totally easy." She muttered to herself.

"Hey, Rainbow it was awesome that you would let me hang out with you today."

"Sure thing squirt, let me show you my trophy room dedicated to my greatness." Rainbow lead the filly down the hall to the room in question and once inside the area light up like Celestia's sun. There were tons of trophies and ribbons ranging from Best Young Flier to Best dressed at the VMA's.

"Wow, your even more radical than my dad which is pretty awesome! They say he's the best at what he does even though I'm not sure what that is all I know is he comes home smelling like old ponies and denture cream." Scootaloo shrugged.


Meanwhile at Shady Oaks Retirement home


"The voices won't stop!" a light blue elderly mare yelled while wearing a bed pan on her head. The other orderlies tried to get her to calm down, but sadly none of them were experienced or powerful enough.


Nurse Coldheart knew it was time to unleash the big guns and with a swift flick of her hooves she sent the call for him.


The ground quaked and rumbled and out of the hallway stepped Horsepower. The stallion charged the old mare, delivered a swift haymaker to her jaw sending her to the ground completely unconscious. He left the room temporary and returned with a tray on his back and shouted to the lobby full of elderly ponies. "IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR PILLS, OH YEEEEEAH!!!"


Back in Rainbow's Cloud home

Rainbow was on her PC because she needed to take care of one small work related errand before she could continue playing with Scootaloo. The rainbow factory needed a new supplier of rainbow juice and her task was to look up new possible candidates, get prices and report them back to the main weather office in Cloudsdale. "Done in ten seconds flat." She told herself. Of course if you've read any chapter in this fic, you know it isn't that easy as Rainbow discovered a certain fic during her search and even though every rational thought told her it was a bad idea. 'When have I ever been rational? Go big or don't go at all.' Those were final thoughts before plunging into The Rainbow Factory.


"Hmmm yadda yadda...Spectrum....BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...killing rejects...can't fucking breathe....BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Rainbow grabbed her sides while laughing; it hurt so good. Eventually the prismatic maned mare calmed down long enough to catch her breath. Scootaloo walked into Rainbow's study curious over the loud obnoxious laughter she had heard while playing with Tank.

"Remember those humans?"

"Yeah?" The filly said while trying to repress old memories of that fic she read on the apple farm.

"Read this, you'll love how they think Rainbow juice is made and what they think pegasi do, well that part made me a bit angry, but you'll get a good laugh from the rest of it." Scootaloo hesitantly trotted over to Rainbow's computer and began to read.

After only ten minutes Scootaloo had tears rolling down her face from laughing so hard her laughter was infectious as Rainbow whom had just calmed down was chuckling so hard she couldn't inhale the oxygen to make the sound of laughter, but after about fifteen or so minutes they eventually stopped enough to inhale life giving air.

"Dash that was one of the bestest, funniest things ever and the most hilarious part was it was supposed to be a horror story. I mean really that one namby pamby zombie pony fic Applebloom was telling me and Sweetie about was scarier than this and that's not saying much."

"Hey squirt, at least we have Nightmare Night costume ideas."

"This was great maybe you should forward it to the rest of the weather team."

"Not a bad idea, let's pull up theweatherfactory.ponyville.gov and let's link this to everypony's email. Hmm...there's Thunderlane, Cloudkicker, Cloudchaser, Flitter, Blossomfourth, Starburst, Spectral Spike...." She started naming off the members of the local weather team.

Scootaloo was getting a little impatient. 'I wonder what ever happened to that one hoo-man Mac let hunt in the Everfree forest.'


Deep in the Everfree forest a Manticore laps at the lake quenching its thirst, birds in the nearby trees are chirping as a gentle breeze passes through this piece of untouched wilderness. The whole scenario is quit peaceful if not extremely beautiful.

"These are the moments you truly live for, just look at that majestic creature. Well...let's blow its damn head off."

KAPOOSH

The rock legend Ted Nugent climbed down from the trees to inspect his quarry.

Back at Nugent Manor

"A fine addition to my secret trophy room." He said as he placed his thirty ought six back on the wall and took in the entirety of his surroundings there were the mounted heads of sixty panda bears, the skeletal remains of a hydra, Mayor McCheese and the head of a CHUD.(Readers go watch CHUD, here's the trailer and it's available on Netflix instant)


It was still early in the morning sunlight struck the face of Thunderlane causing the stallion to slowly awaken. He was careful not to wake the three sleeping forms from underneath the covers as he got out of bed to take care of his daily ritual.

Ten minutes later he closed the bathroom door and on his way back to his room, decided to check his email.

"Let's see what do we got here? Spam, spam, Equestria Daily newsletter and oh a massage from Rainbow, but wait there's a link." Thunderlane had started reading the Rainbow Factory and after a short nine minutes he was hysterical as he laughed harder than ever before mostly due to fact that he had to intern at the actual rainbow factory in cloudsdale and knew first hoof how boring it actually was to work there.

As his fit of giggles died down Flitter, Cloudchaser and Blossom Fourth came into the room.

"Come on back to bed Thunder." They cooed.

Thunderlane briefly thought of obeying his groupies/girlfriends. "Hold on, you gotta read this."

The three mares sat down as began to read the story and by the time they were done they too had a broken down from laughing too hard.

"That was retarded, like a cheesy 80's horror film." Blossomfourth said as she stifled back some giggles.

"Yeah, I mean Rainbow dropped out of flight camp, remember?" Flitter recalled their time as fillies in flight camp where Dash decided she was "too cool for school" and thus earned her dare devil license that day.

"Spectrum sounds like a crappy off brand energy drink."

Thunderlane burst into the room doing his best Charlton Horseton Impression. "SPECTRUM IS PONIES! WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM SOMEHOW!!!" The four of them got a good chuckle out of it and then they all had waffles and went back into Thunderlane's room for round four.


All over Ponyville it's weather team members and resident pegasi were getting a kick out of the fic. Even some of the higher ups who worked at the rainbow factory figured they could make some money by setting up a type of hunted house there on the next Nightmare Night.

Nopony was offended mostly because most of them knew rainbow juice was made from minotaur ghost chili peppers, taco shells and powdered punch mix. There was nothing deadly about it, well unless you're allergic to cantaloupe.

The worst thing that happened was a pegasus named Raindrops who while on a delivery to Manehattan burst into a fit of giggles causing her to drop the cart of Pianos on a sickly earth pony named Marina at the Morris family reunion, luckily hardly anyone was hurt.

It wasn't actually a bad day because everypony couldn't take the fic seriously and got a good chuckle out of the story. The only real issue was that now that anypony saw a rainbow they had a strong urge to laugh and quote The Rainbow Factory.


Back at Shady Oaks Nursing Home

It was bingo time and as you can guess the nursing home had its loudest employee was in charge of calling the numbers.

"B52, YEAAAH!!!" He bellowed as one of the old ponies had a heart attack and was carted off by EMT's. "ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE, YEEEAAAH!!!!!"

As Horsepower was calling out numbers in usual overjoyous manner his mind went to why he was working so much recently. He was taking on extra shifts to buy Scootaloo her birthday present a trip to Galaxy Studios, Coltifornia and two tickets for a live show of Epic Cupcake Time which was their favorite show. Some parents read to their kids, some teach them to ride a bike, but the large white pegasus and his little filly liked to watch four grown stallions and a celebrity guest weave hay bacon, drink, drop f-bombs and then gorge themselves on a calories nightmare from the deepest depths of Tartarus. Plus it helped that Horsepower looked kinda like one of the host. 'FATHER OF THE YEAR, YEEEAH!!' He smiled as he continued to called out bingo numbers.

"LEFT HOOF GREEN, YEE--" He was interrupted mid-scream.

"This is bingo not Twister you idiot." A voiced called out from the back of the room.

"DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR ASS, YOU OLD BITCH, YEEAAHH!!!"

"I am an ass, you roided up moron." She stood up to reveal she was indeed a donkey. The rest of the room was silent because they knew someone was going to the infirmary. Sure enough Horsepower galloped off the stage and grabbed the donkey mare and put her in a sleeper hold, knocking her out.

"PROBLEMS?" He said as he turned to the group that witnessed what had just taken place.

"Nope, I never liked her anyway." The elderly diamond dog was tapped on his shoulder.

"Dominick, I thought you two were friends?" Whispered an equally decrepit unicorn from behind him.

"Nah, at least this way I can go into her room and steal the comforters from her bed."

The two heard more shouting and knew the game was starting again. "F42, YEEEAAAH!!!"

So the night continued as Nurse Coldheart placed another plaque on the wall that read: Employee of the Month, Horsepower.


Learning about how rainbows are made wasn't the only Hoo-man incident that happened that day.

Lyra had been looking for a present for her niece's birthday coming up next week. 'I know dolls. You can't go wrong with that all three year olds love dolls, hell even a certain twenty-seven year old red stallion loves dolls. That's see what pop up when I do a quick search for unicorn dolls...' Lyra went through about three search pages when she saw it. "...blah, blah, blah...Lyra sex doll auction, wait? LYRA SEX DOLL PLUSHIE?!?! WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK?!?!" Sure enough the mint green unicorn had stumbled upon "that doll."

Lyra took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Okay, I am calm, I am the sea, I am a MOTHER FUCKING SEX TOY!!!" Apparently Iron Will's relaxation stress relieving tapes didn't work because she was still extremely pissed off about the whole situation. "Okay, I think I'm done, but honestly the lesbian porn I can kinda deal with as well as the smut, but come on? I don't know what's worse the fact that somepony err...somebody bought it or it sold for one thousand bits in Equestrian currency or the fact that's a guy making love to the same material you'd find on a sweater."

"That's it, I'm gonna find out who sold it then kick their ass, then I'm gonna find out who bought it and teach them why it's wrong to be creepy. Now, where'd I put my negotiation tool?" The unicorn got her baseball bat and printed out the address of the guy who won the auction.

She was shocked when she saw the address, so shocked that her brain had to reboot itself. "B-but that's Guyra's address. Oh that is it, he is gonna get it." She sneered, but in reality she had no idea what she was gonna do, because after all what do you do when your significant other buys a sex doll replica of you? First thing’s first she needed to go to Earth, England to be exact to have a nice long chat with the maker of the toy.


Ding Dong

A pasty white human was stitching together his latest creation an anatomically correct doll shaped like Lumpy Space Princess. While working he was humming Art of the Dress heard the door bell ring. "Who is it?"

"Candy gram for Nigel Rodgers."

The creepy young man stopped his sewing machine and ran to the door. "Nigel like candy."

When he opened the door there wasn't candy of any sort but something far better in his opinion as he looked at the mint colored unicorn with a disturbing twinkle is his eye. "Oh, boy Lyra is here to pleasure me."

Lyra had an idea. "Take me you gross, fat monkey man." She cooed and as Nigel got closer she grabbed her "Negotiation" tool with her magic and hit him square in the goolies with enough force to shatter his pelvis sending him into his flat and right into his sewing machine scattering bobbin, thread and fleece all over the ground. The unicorn whipped out a bubble pipe and tried to do her best impression of Hani-bull. "I love it, when a plan comes together." (Cue the music.) (A/N: I used a generic sounding British name because I didn’t want to use his real name, but I am aware the guy who made it is from England.)


(Back in Equestria Lyra still had some unfinished business.)

Three loud knocks at the door came from the door of the apartment that housed Guyra.

"Hey, baby what's goin’ on?" the mint colored stallion said as he stretched out the sentence in a lighthearted sleazy tone.

Normally Lyra would have laughed, but she had anger in her eyes. "Um, Lyra what's wro--"

She cut him off. "Where is it?!"

"Uh, where's what?" Guyra had no idea what his girlfriend was talking about.

"The sex doll, you fucking pervert! What am I not enough for you? Is this some kinda weird fetish? What?!"

"I don't have any idea what you're accusing me of, the only doll I think I have in here is my new cell phone cozy that Caramel sent me. Oddest thing it came with pants and underwear, which is funny cause we don't normally wear clothes and what's really weird is it kinda looks like a misshapen vision of you." Guyra said with full earnestly in his voice.

Then it dawned on her. First off Guyra is innocent and second Caramel is a douche. She soon apologized and explained to him that that doll isn't for cell phones. The two left Guyra's apartment and decided to pay Caramel Apple a little visit.


Late that night Bon Bon was putting a bag of ice on her stallion's black eye. In the intervening weeks she got to know the secret side of Caramel Francisco Apple. Bonny normally would have found such behavior uncoof, but with Mel, he it made her excited to know he wasn't just an Apple farmer and he was still full of surprises. That was the case usually, but this evening all she could think of doing was knocking some sense into her boyfriend; that was if Lyra and Guyra hadn't already done that.

The moment the ice pack touched his eye the tan stallion yelped in pain. "Damn that hurts, couldn't they take a joke?" He winced once more was pressure was applied to his injury.

"My poor Melly." Bonny cooed as she rubbed his back and had let her protective instincts kick in while she took care of him.


What else took place that day and by that I mean what was Perry Piekinski doing during the events of this chapter?

The burly human linebacker stepped out of the shadows and into the room where twenty creatures mostly ponies, a few dragons and two zebras stood at attention waiting for him.

He looked over the creatures and began to speak trying to fake a southern accent. "We're gonna be doing one thing and one thing only and that is attacking generic OC's."

"Unoriginal original characters have sprung up around Equestria throughout the multi-verse making love to, killing, and fighting ponies. They've been pushing hard for too long and it's time to push back."

"The OC will be sickened by us, the OC will talk about us, and the OC will fear us. They ain't got any originality."

"Every pony under my command owes me one hundred poorly written OC scalps and I want my scalps."

"Sound good?!"

One of the stallions stepped forward. "Uh, sir we're here for the cooking class."

"Oh, that's in room 27B, this is 27A." Perry explained as all but six ponies remained. He looked at his remaining recruits. There were Truffles, Ace Swift, Mrs. Cake, Doctor Stable, Doughnut Joe and Carrot Top. 'Not, quit the dirty dozen, but this'll have to do for now.'

"This isn't the cooking class, nor is it the Spanish class scheduled for 2:30. This is the Attack Bad Original Characters Meet and Greet and Activity club."

The six ponies just stood there. Mrs. Cake broke the silence. "We know dearie and we want..." Mrs. Cake and the others in a brief flash of light were now clad in the gear of the Colonial Marines. "...to bring the pain."

Perry for the first time in his life was shocked. "Um, okie dokie lokie."

The seven of them used Perry's "borrowed" Star Gate and began their journey to beat the shit out of any tortured depressed soul looking for acceptance or any creature with a generic action verb and or color as its name.

Most of them found it odd how violent the thirty-two year old baker was as she brought the pain. She was attacking a dark blue pegasus named Turbo Skies with a broken table leg. The rest of the group just stopped and starred at her. "What? I don't get out much." She said with her trademark warm smile as she continued to wail on the stallion.

It was a long day because what the group realized was that there were a lot of ponies with the word Sky as their name. The only easy thing was finding them in the first place and that was because of their crippling depression, tacky color choices and relation choices. After everything was said in done they went to a little restaurant at the end of the universe to celebrate.


If you were curious what Celestia and friends did that day, well wonder no more.

The offices of Firaxis Games were eerily quiet and the team behind the Civilization series was planning their next games and expansion packs. Suddenly the doors explode open.

BOOM

When the smoke cleared there stood two alicorns and a draconequus. A security guard approached them.

"Um, w-whatever you guys are, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask to please leave the premises."

Without a second thought Discord snapped his fingers and the guard was transformed into a hacky sack to which the god of chaos bounced around before losing control and causing it to nail the water cooler on the far side of the room.

The three made their way pass the cubicles and to the offices of Sid Meier. Luna and Celestia tore the wall off the room to gain entry.

Luna produced a two by four, Discord created a steel folding chair and Celestia brought nun-chucks.

Discord whom needed to be the center of attention. "Boys, you in a mess of trouble." He said in a fake southern accent.

The three proceeded to beat the crap out of Sid, as well as the producer and lead designer.

The still conscious producer Dennis looked at the three mythical creatures. "Ugh...why?"

Celestia turned to them."You didn't put us in the new Gods and Kings expansion pack."

"So, since we took the time to get here, what do you wanna do now Celly?" Luna said as the three left the game studio.

Discord chimed in. "Let us go reanimate the corpse of Garry Gygax and play a game of D & D."

That is exactly how the god of chaos and the two alicorn demigods spent the rest of the day. Oh and of course Garry couldn't go back to Earth, so they let him live in Equestria which for the creator of Dungeons and Dragons was dream come true.