Finally, we return to where Twilight and Cadence are working, and I’m significantly more relaxed... mostly. Some of me is still very tense.
“Okay... escape plan.” I say, addressing Twilight. “How is that shield trick going?”
She looks up, noting my present lack of a shirt. Choosing to explain instead of inquire, she says, “Well, Cadence and I are pretty sure you can simply stand between us, and you’ll be fine. Especially with, ah, what just happened helping bolster Cadence for now.” She what? We helped her? H-how?
Oh, right, Alicorn of love, that was probably like a Red Bull for her.
“So, anyways. Yeah. Mild touching happened. Let’s just get out of here before big red and psycho figures out we’re trying to get the hell out of here.”
“I have to agree. Where’s Pinkie?” she asks, and I turn around, having expected Pinkie to be there. Thankfully, our ensuing panic is short-lived, as Pinkie pronks in, still human, wearing my shirt as she steps forward.
“Alright, let’s go~!” she bounces in place a little, making the somewhat-tight shirt do some impressive stretching to avoid tearing in response. Gotta give it to Rarity; she really knows her fabric choices. Cadence nods and grins, looking perkier than normal.
She and Pinkie shoot each other conspiratorial looks to one another, as Twilight and the alicorn light their horns and prepare a set of angled barriers, Cadence up front, Pinkie bouncing in behind her, me and then Twilight behind them. And man has Pinkie got a nice rear- damnit it all! Hormones can burn in the fiery depths of Pittsburgh.
I’m never going to look at pony-her the same again either, am I?
Answers to universal quandaries aside, the four of us quickly move out of the hedge, Pinkie pointing over Cadence to where we need to get to, finding the addition of the pinpoint accuracy of fingers over hooves for pointing, as well as where they can put pressure- no, no, I’m not thinking of that. Anyways, we get out of the garden of horrifying crystal clusters of sharpness with as little distractions to anyone else beyond me as is possible.
“So now that we’re out of there, we’re just going to find the nearest Gate and get back home, right?”
“Yeah,” Twilight says. “But, uhm, maybe I should see about turning Pinkie back. She’s not wearing enough to cover her if we’re going through another forest.” She looks genuinely concerned, and gets ready to cast.
Pinkie hands me back my shirt and Twilight undoes the spell, Pinkie returning to a pony, but giving me a quick hug with her human arms before they turn to hooves. I admit, I do like her hugs a bit more when she can get her arms all the way around me. And not just because she’s even more padded up front.
Damnit.
Nearly an hour later, we’ve passed the same stump on the left of our trail for the fifth time, drawing a frustrated growl from me. Is it really too much to ask for Wunderland to at least let us travel in a straight line without spacetime warping around to drop us off at the same point over and over?
“Hey girls and Anthony, I think we’ve been walking in circles.” Pinkie says, pointing at the stump. “That looks like a good resting stump though.”
We all agree and go towards the stump when the stump agrees. “This is indeed a very comfy perch!” A squared, angular spiral forms mid-air, spiralling out from a single point on the side of a large, lounging cat in silver and green atop the stump. “It’s also my perch, but that wasn’t what you were talking about.”
I sigh. “Enough with the mind games. Can you do something, or stop doing something, and let us get back to the Lookinglass Gate?”
“Why yes, that I can.” the cat says, grinning more widely than its head ought to be able to hold.
I roll my eyes. “Would you?”
“Would I what?” the cat asks, and I grit my teeth to keep from growling, snarling, or otherwise snapping at the cat.
“Would you please help us get to a Lookinglass Gate that leads to Equestria?” I try.
“Absolutely!” I breath a sigh of relief. “... If you can answer a riddle...” Fuck.
Then again... I’m smart, Twilight’s smart, together we should figure it out. “Okay, fair enough. What’s the riddle?”
“...Each, actually,” the cat finishes. “The first will be easy, though. Why can’t a mare living in Neigh Orleans be buried in Chickago?”
I look at Twilight. “I don’t do pony culture stuff, you’re up.”
Pinkie giggles. “Silly, it’s ‘cuz she’s still alive, or the Chesire Cat wouldn’t have said ‘living’ in Neigh Orleans.” The cat nods in acceptance.
...it’s gonna be those kinds of riddles then. I sigh. “Okay, Pinkie gets a pass, three more. Next one?”
“What is lighter than a feather, yet none can hold it for an hour without magic?” the cat asks next. “And the pink one has answered once. The rest of you need to answer one, or it doesn’t count.”
I think for a while on that. Lighter than a feather... “Okay, pass. Twi, you’re up. What can only magic hold for an hour?”
Twilight thinks a moment. Then, her face lights up, and she shouts, “A breath!” she says, and the cat nods.
“Very good. The riddles will grow only harder, though. You throw away the outside, eat the inside, and then throw away the inside.”
I think for a moment. Let’s see, throw away the outside, so it has a shell or peel. Eat the inside then throw it away, no, eat the inside, and throw away the inside of that so it’s something with a pit or seed.
What has both a shell and a seed? Watermelons have seeds and rinds, but you can eat the seeds just fine. Same with pumpkins and cantaloupes so it’s not a melon or gourd... Chestnuts... no, they’re just deshelled and you can eat the rest. Then it dawns on me, something you peel off, eat then throw away.
Cadence perks up right before I can answer, and yells, “Corn on the cob!” and the cat nods. Wow, I was thinking of an avocado but in retrospective, you can still plant the pit.
“Final question, then, for you. ‘I bear a name, but never mine. None care about me in their prime. People cry at the sight of me, and will lay by me day and night. What am I?’”
A lot of things go through my mind. A baby, a plaque, a death certificate, and various other things, none of which fit all the criteria. Wait... hmmmm, but it doesn’t fit the last part. I decide to ask a question. “How many tries am I allowed before I fail?”
“You may answer incorrectly once. The second time and I will remove your heart and eat it. It looks shiny.”
“Uh... okay then.” I continue to ponder. It can’t be death, can it? Then another idea strikes me. “You said that my friends can’t answer, but you didn’t say they couldn’t help me by giving hints if they know the answer...” I inform the cat. It never setup any specific rules beforehand, and responds to my assertion by purring. Evidently it likes my observation skills.
Twilight, looks up. “W-well... it sounds like something related to death. I mean, nopony in their prime really thinks about that sort of thing unless they’re depressed or something. I’m not sure beyond that...”
So I’m close with my death assumption, according to Twilight. I look to Pinkie.
“Hmm... I don’t really know much about death, Anthony. It tends to be rather bad for parties, y’know.” she says with a shrug. “I mean, I think it might be related to something after death. I mean, not many ponies cry just thinking about death before it happens, right?”
I ponder that. “The afterlife perhaps, but that’s got a definite name. Several in fact, so it can’t bear a name that doesn’t belong to it.” I turn to Cadence. She’s my last bet. After consulting her, I’m alone on this.
Cadence thinks long and hard throughout the discussion, before tentatively speaking up. “Well... mausoleums often bear family names, but that could be considered their name too. A death certificate would too, but unless there’s an awful lot of sleepy clerks in the filing office... Uhm... maybe a wake? No, that doesn’t have a name either way, except as an action...” she looks unsure.
I ponder her thoughts as I try to come up with plans. It sounds like a lot of things, but none of them fit every criteria. I decide to give my best idea. “Is it... a nightmare?”
The cat shakes its head. “No. Your friends were... much closer than that.” The cat rolls over. “Here, let me up the stakes a little... if you get the answer right, I’ll even guarantee you passage back to Equestria, and safety all the way to the other side... or if you fail the next one, I’ll kill your friends, as well.”
“What kind of bargain is that!? No deal, we’ll just take directions, I’m not letting you kill anyone!”
“Then get the answer right, of course~! It’s a simple thing, really. And besides, as a little bit of a free tip... the nearest Lookinglass Gate doesn’t exit into Equestria’s borders.”
So we can’t use Twi’s spell to get back anyways... We need the cat. Fuck.
“Alright... then may I get a hint about the answer to the riddle?” I ask, and the cat nods.
“But only one. Your friends were right; it is connected to death, and is an object, not an event, a person, or a place.”
“That’s not a good hint! I was already guessing objects for the most part!”
“And? What does that have to do with whether the hint was accurate?”
“Fine you smug little furball.” I turn to my friends. “Okay, lives are on the line now, we gotta think hard.”
Twilight, going over a small sheaf of papers with a quill, and Pinkie looks pensive. “Well, Anthony, I think if we were close the first time, it must’ve been something one of us said that was close. What did we say again?”
In response to Pinkie’s question, Twilight rattles off, “Mausoleums, death certificates, wakes. Mausoleums were ruled out for having their own names, death certificates for not having anypony lying near them day and night, and wakes for not usually being named, and being an event, which has been ruled out.” Huh, she must’ve been writing them down this whole time.
“Okay, so what’s related to death and has a name but not its own? Let’s cover that one first because it’s the most confusing?” I throw out.
“Alright, as a list of things that fit that criteria, then cemeteries, small mausoleums, death certificates, grave markers of varying kinds and caskets are all possibilities.” Twilight says.
I look to Pinkie and Cadence. “Any other suggestions?”
Cadence thinks a moment. “Well... wait, ‘by’ can include merely ‘nearby’. So maybe... hmm, I think a casket would be lying ‘within’, and cemeteries are either named for location or not given any name at all... Mausoleums are places...”
What kind of grave markers are there? There are crosses, little statues, long-lived plants, sometimes shrines, gravestones, various sorts of signposts...
These are all things that a griever would lay by, and I can’t think of anyone who’d care much about any of them while they’re perfectly alive. Knowing the cat, I probably have to be more specific than just ‘grave markers’. Well, the crosses, shrines, gravestones and signposts all have writing on them, usually the name of who’s buried there. But the shrines and religious ones would matter to whoever follows that religion even during the prime of their life. Same with a tree, because people like trees. That leaves gravestones and signposts... wait, someone would still use a signpost for directions anyday. That leaves gravestones, assuming I haven’t forgotten any.
“Gravestone.” I say to the cat, bracing for the result of a bad answer.
The feline gets up, and pads towards me, revealing it comes up to my waist, and a paw the size of my hand comes up... to pat me on the stomach. “Very good! Also, never call me ‘furball’ again, or the ‘eating your shiny heart’ option goes back under the table.” The cat begins to walk down the path. “Don’t waste time, off we go~!” The cat sounds quite chipper, and is moving happily down the dirt path, and we all warily follow it. I don’t know about the girls, but my heart is pounding from adrenaline.
Nevertheless, we are indeed granted safe passage through a Lookinglass Gate, nothing stopping us to challenge or otherwise impede us, for once allowing us to take in the scenery of Wunderland without any actual worry. I can... kind of see how a naive young girl could see this as a happy place honestly, the only thing telling me otherwise is my past experience and common sense.
As I’m walking, I see something flickering through the trees not that far from me. At first I’m confused, but then I realize it’s a human shape in a blue and white dress.
Speaking of Alice, holy crap. I’m about to point her out to the ponies when I recall that Alice was the one thing that was missing from all the Wunderland books. That means... We’re leaving right as Alice is having her ‘whimsical adventure’ that almost ends with her being killed.
The ‘big brother’ instinct I’d acquired from dealing with the Crusaders urges me to do something. I turn to the ponies. “Hey, you guys go ahead. I’ve gotta deal with something real quick.”
I turn towards Alice, seeing her stop at a cross in a road that’s blurry to me, where a different Chesire Cat lounges in the crossbranches.
I head for the bushes nearby and opt to stay hidden for now and show myself when Alice starts getting in over her head..
Before I get into position, the Cat watching Alice, in the purple and blue stripes, says something. “Don’t worry, child, there’s nothing to fear here. At least, not for you. Now if only you’d remember this all afterwards... no worries! Now if you aren’t going anywhere, then any road will take you there, now won’t it?”
I roll my eyes. At least this time I’m here to help Alice with whatever is going to happen to her. Given what I’ve seen, there’s probably some things that Lewis left out.
Before I can follow as Alice steps into a third path previously unseen between the other two, I feel a set of sharp, sharp claws catch hold of the back of my shirt, just barely not digging into me. “Now now, I promised to guide you out safely, and into Equestria... and you’ve already played the part in aiding the Dreamer anyways.” the Cat says.
“And how, pray tell, have I helped Alice when I only just now see her?”
“Oh, the Dreamer has always been here. And right now, almost all of the Queens’ forces are out looking for you and your friends, instead of standing lethally on guard around the Chess Board. The Hatter, for once, has remembered to arrive on time for a prophecy. You also made sure the Caterpillars are paying attention for once. And you mustn’t mess up another’s dream; it’s quite rude.”
“I’ve been called rude before, and worse. I don’t think it’s rude to help a little girl deal with a horrible dream. Alice is just a freaking kid. I’m gonna help her when she needs it.”
“And that will likely get her killed. She’s safe on her adventure, that much was guaranteed. But if you make it your story, of ‘saving’ her...” the Cat lets the comment trail off.
“Yeah, I’ve read the books and seen several different movies. Sure she comes out alive, but it’s also a rather traumatic experience. I grew up the way I did from less than what she’s going to go through.”
“Gone through, actually. The Dreamer has already passed. And will begin her journey eventually. Wunderland’s time doesn’t go in lines, Anthony. It goes in circles; that is why clocks are round.”
“Very funny. Except it’s not. And here’s a thought: fuck you, I do what I want. If you know me enough to know my name, you already know me well enough to figure out I’m not one to be talked down. I’m going to help a defenseless little girl get through this shithole of a nightmare whether you natives like it or not.”
“Oh, we do like it. Hence why I’m not arguing that you haven’t already helped her. In fact, I’m quite sure I said just the opposite previously.”
“Well I don’t care how much you think I’ve helped, what I care about is how much I think I’ve helped, and if you ask me, I haven’t started.” I look up to the trail that Alice had taken. Which is gone. Fuck. “I hate you guys. So much.”
The cat just grins. “You really should work on that whole ‘statue’ imitation you do when you’re talking. Either way, though, the Dreamer has already begun to flee Wunderland.” As the cat speaks, a strange ripple of distortion flows across the landscape, and the cat is suddenly much smaller - the size of a large cat, in fact, rather than leopard sized. It doesn’t seem to notice... and the trees and the like have all become much friendlier looking. Less ominous, in fact.
“Yeah, right. I know for a fact that her meeting the Cheshire Cat is practically the beginning of her troubles. I’m going to find her, and you aren’t going to stop me.” I head for where the forked trail was, but just end up tromping through knee-high undergrowth. “Oh, yeah, everything’s just peachy-keen around here, now, huh?”
“Oh, quite! It does help that time is quite relative here. In fact, if we went back to your friends now, they won’t have even noticed you leaving yet.”
“Tell you what... you get to make another riddle. If I guess correctly, then you take me to Alice after leading my friends back to Equestria.” I bargain.
“Hmmmm... no deal.” The cat says, stretcching in place.
“Oka- wait what? No? But... You’re a cheshire cat! Riddles are like tiny orgasms for you or some shit! Come on, is Alice really that untouchable to you?”
“Well, as she’s already left Wunderland at this point... yes.” the Cat replies. “Now, are we going to get back to the deal we already made? Any longer and your friends will see that we’ve vanished, and assume the worst.”
I still don’t believe that Alice is safely back at home, no way it could happen that fast. But... “Fine, but if I ever come back here and Alice is coming by for her second trip, all bets are off and I’m doing something, got it?” I eye the cat sternly.
“Oh Anthony... Don’t you know? The Wunderland you know of will soon be replaced by the one the Dreamer has dreamt. You’ll never come back to this one.” The cat says, padding into the undergrowth and returning to its full size as it moves into a part of the wood not... ‘disneyfied’.
“Yeah... I don’t trust you any farther than I can throw you, and current mass would indicate that’s hardly far at all, so... Yeah, when I come back, I’m helping out Alice. If I find you or anyone else fucking with her, I’m gonna kill them. Pass that along.” I say, tromping back to where I came from, towards Pinkie and the others.
None of them seem to have noticed I was gone, and are still in the middle of the conversation I left them on.
Leaving without being able to offer help to save innocent girl who likely needs help makes my inner ‘hero’ kick me in the face metaphorically, leaving a sour note in my head, I just feel shitty in general.
Likely due to my bad temper, I don’t really notice the journey to the Gate, which is a big pond of pure mercury, with a bright, reflective surface that shows somewhere else entirely. A ledge overtop it is the perfect jumping-off point, or would if the scene on the other side weren’t a rocky, purple-stained expanse.
I peer over the edge of the ‘leaping rock’, as that’s where the Cat led us up to. “Okay, that’s not Canterlot.” I say, “You take us to Equestria like you said you would, and don’t pull anything else.”
“I wouldn’t dream of steering you wrong, or pulling anything!” the Cat says.
Then, the furry dickwaffle pushes me off the edge to fall into the portal.