I don't remember falling asleep.
The surface of which I laid on was cold and hard. Not the most uncomfortable thing I had laid on but just close enough to make me wish I was sleeping on a bed of hay or grass clippings. The room was dark sans a small oil lantern suspended in the far corner but the light wasn't enough for me to adjust. I yawned and rolled back over, too tired and warm to care about my current predicament with a belly full of sweet sweet cider. I reached over and felt something warm pressed up against my side and this caused my mind to stir to near awareness. The thing in question was soft like a plushie but solid enough to definitely not be one. I felt over with my hand and tugged at soft bits of fur that radiated warmth like the body attached to it. My hand cautiously went up, disturbing the fur around it as I finally hit a bit of course fabric. Tracing further up I found a lace, which was pulled much longer than the other near it.
Oh no.
Finally reaching up I felt a solid object, warm like the rest of the body but hard and smooth.
OH NO.
With eyes adjusting to the dark I saw nestled into me was Maire, the young, er, mare that I had met earlier and danced a right storm with. Her face was scrunched up in an adorable grin as she pushed her back deeper into me and as her fur collided with my chest I realized my shirt was no longer on my person. Like mini bits of velcro my wiry chest hair meshed with the mare beside me bringing on one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.
Which is to say I looked down to make sure none of my bits were out in the open touching hers.
Sure enough my pants hadn't been undone and my belt still firmly in place. With a sigh of relief I resumed cuddling the strangely warm creature with no regard for how we ended up in this strange dark place or the events of the night before.
"Well it's not like we bucked or anything." Came a soft voice followed by a chuckle.
My eyes shot wide so fast I swore my eyelids came off and flew back home. With a startled yelp I jumped, almost falling off the hard surface if not for Maire's magic enveloping me and putting me right back beside her.
"Mmmm... Good morning lover."
You did not feck a horse, you did not feck a horse. Only scotts feck animals those damn sheep feckers.
"Maire. What happened last night?" I managed to whisper as I heard rustling around me.
She leaned over and looked at me with one gorgeous eye as she giggled to herself.
Stop that.
She leaned up and stretched, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie back over her exposed hooves. It was a strange feeling; the borderline between drunk and totally aware was where I'd say I was at. Her eyes stayed on me as she let out another giggle before flopping on top of me. Whatever I was laying on creaked with that and I heard more rustling in the background. Panic was making its way up my spine but it didn't seem to bother me as my mind was captivated by the rituals of the mare waking up next to me.
Seriously stop that.
"Party was busted by the guard. They had you surrounded and I was sure they were gonna run you through till you were a pincussion." She began as the muddled memories in my head began to put themselves back together. "You offered them a drink, one of the newer guards accepted and within ten minutes you had them all drinking and dancing. I wouldn't be all that surprised if every able bodied mare and stallion in the town got hop-scotch drunk last night with you singing and fooling around."
I looked around the room at that and saw there were indeed a great many ponies passed out in the vicinity. Even Mac was leaned up against a barrel with his hooves wrapped around it as if letting go would spell his doom. A quick survey of the battlefield showed that every pony was out cold. What in the hell had happened that everybody got shlickered?
"Do you ponies usually get piss drunk or was this a holiday?" I asked as my hand went up to push my hair from my face. I seriously wished I had a hat right about now.
Maire looked around with a low whistle and shook her head. In the distance I could hear bottles rolling and the whining of ponies awakening with a staunch hangover. The lightweights were moaning and groaning as if they were injured in the line of duty. With a dutiful grunt and a salute I grabbed Maire and resumed curling up on the bar with a surprised squeak coming from the unicorn.
"Well well, not even going to treat me to dinner are you Mr. Killian?" She managed to whisper as I held onto her tighter.
"I'm cold and my shirt is gone."
She laughed and wiggled closer to me.
"That's because you tried making your drinking buddy wear it."
One of my eyes opened and a groan escaped my throat as I let a hand fly in the air.
"Mac! You wearing my shirt?"
A grunt could be heard near the bar and with a thud of hooves I heard my response.
"Ee-eurgh-yup."
"Did you vomit on it?"
Another slam of hooves.
"Eeyup."
Lightweight.
Well there was my only shirt in this godforsaken world. Of course as far as things getting worse from here things weren't so bad. Of course there was the fact that I was surrounded by ugly horses and not a human in sight. On the plus side however I was holding a toasty plush unicorn thing, everyone had smiles on their faces and I had gotten more plastered than I had at any time previous in my life. Maybe things were finally starting to look up for ol' Killian.
Of course I'd say that then the light of a thousand suns erupted through the door blinding me and half the population of Ponyville. Light erupted from every window and frame, blinding me so hard I fell off the table I found myself laying on and tossed poor Maire straight into the air.
"What is going on here!?" Came an uproarious cry that brought images of Galadriel from "Lord of the Rings" when she was given the ring.
Covering my eyes with my hand I walked towards the voice ignoring the shuffling and running of the ponies behind me, desperate in my hazy mindset to turn off the damn light. My hands met something hard, like a light switch and with a flick of my wrist I attempted to flick it off. The result however was far from what I expected. A resounding crash like thunder propelled me backwards into a soft body as we crumpled to the floor. With my fall softened I rose to me feet to see the light had dimmed and before me was a sight not even my grandfather could put into words.
I'll try anyways.
The thing before me stood level to my eyes, with wings unfurled like a great painting of feathers and cherubic glory. The white was so white that a setting of #ffffff wasn't white enough to describe the sight. Feathers scattered in near slow motion while the ponies all clamored to their feet and began to kneel as low as they could. Some even had their snouts in vomit I could see. Bringing my eyes back to the vision before me I made out a pony. If a pony was a blazing goddess. Her mane was all the complimentary colors of a rainbow sherbet and flowed freely in the wind. Her eyes were the most awe inspiring shade of violet I had ever laid eyes on, her walk was well defined, godlike even.
Something though was catching my eyes more so than her captivating and inviting beauty. Something I felt compelled, no! Something I had to do. I approached as the drunk guards fumbled to find their weapons, no means of stopping even when Maine was puling my arm with her magic.
"Don't do it Killian..."
I must.
"I'm serious." She pleaded, her iris' shrinking as I outreached a hand.
Just once, it looks so inviting.
"I'm bucking serious don't you do it!"
My finger pushed against the white goddess' nose, pushing in as my drunken smile spread like wildfire as I looked deep into her eyes and said.
"BOOP."
The towering pony stared unblinking as I continued to push millimeter by millimeter as I whispered "boop" over and over. Her snout was soft like a marshmallow and the warmth from her nostrils made me giggle in fits. I felt a presence not unlike a dark energy surround me as a blow to my good ol' boys caused me to buckle and let out an airy gasp followed by the most girlish scream a man could muster.
"I AM SO SORRY PRINCESS HE DIDN'T MEAN DISRESPECT HE'S DRUNK AND AND AND..." Maire all but screamed in hysterics as she repeatedly landed a blow to the top of my skull with each word.
A laugh, nay, a chortle pierced the air with the certainty of royalty and the joy of a schoolgirl.
"Did you boop the royal snoot my dear creature?"
I was enraptured, eyes wider than any Irishman before me as I stared at the goddess.
"Y-yes I did. Your snoot looks downright inviting if I do say so m'lord."
The creature smiled widely and lowered a hoof to raise me up.
"There is no need for that. My name is Celestia, Princess of Equestria and lord of the sun."
Lord of the sun? Is that fancy pony talk for lord of the dance or something? Because if so I'd show this young hussy who was the true lord of the dance.
"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" I cried as I raised a leg and slammed it down onto a bottle which promptly rolled and forced me to trip backwards.
The resounding crash drove a couple of the guards and lads to chuckle uncontrollably. Even Celestia giggled as I scrambled to kneel before her. Gods above she was beautiful. I saw her smile and those eyes lord I'd have paid a top coin to look into those eyes like some desperate match of the century staring contest.
"It might be the booze your highness, but I'd worship your sun so hard if you let me."
What in the hells did I mean by that?
She giggled even more before bursting out into sunshine and daisies laughter. Never before had I heard a laugh that not only broke my heart but mended it only to break it again.
"My dear we must talk when you're not under the influence." She stated with a grin and a wink so fast I didn't know for sure if it had happened.
She cleared her throat as she looked to her guard.
"I expressly told you to bring him to the castle last night. I do not recall telling you to go and get drunk with him."
The guard shook, armor rattling as most tried to look away from the Princess. Again a sigh escaped her lips as her wings pinched the bridge of her snout before a soft chuckle followed.
"But I am always happy to see my little ponies making new friends."
Her eyes looked to me then to Maire who was blushing so fiercely you could swear her natural color was red.
"And even, dare I say, more than friends?" She whispered as Maire involuntarily twitched with a meek "meep".
"M-MORE THAN FRIENDS? HIM? ME? NO NO NO NO PRINCESS WE MERELY DANCED AND THEN HE GRABBED ME, wait... YES YES HE GRABBED ME AND MADE ME-"
"My little cuddle bug. And Gods be damned if you weren't the softest thing I've ever had the pleasure of having curled into this old bears chest." I said with a wink as I grinned at her.
Her face turned from shock to embarrassment to utter blind rage as she jabbed a hoof into my chest.
"I'm.Gonna.Kill.You.After.This." she whispered through her teeth as I merely grinned and swayed back and forth.
"Later lass, the princess and I need to have a little talky talk." I sluggishly replied as I ruffled her mane with my hand.
"Now princess! I do believe we were going to speak then were we not?"
Celestia grinned and wrapped a warm as summer wing around my back, walking me out of the bar as she nodded with a laugh.
"Oh I wonder my little creature what you'll sound like when you sober up."
A Short Walk Later
I was back at the library with the worst headache I ever had in my entire life. A cup of tea was in front of me as an ice-pack was magically held against my head. The library was quiet; Princess Celestia, Twilight, white regal horse, pink bounce house horse, Spike, and even Maire (Under request from the princess) sat on bean bags and sofas as we all silently eyed each other in the circle.
"So shall we start from the beginning?" Celestia whispered over her cup of tea.
The sound, though lovely, was loud enough to make me cringe myself into a super condensed speck.
"Not so loud sun pony. My headache is so strong it could kill Professor X." I whimpered as I drank more tea.
"My apologies Mr. Killian. I'm only curious as to how you got here."
My head throbbed and I sighed as I tried to use words only to fail miserably.
"Princess? If I may I have been working on a memory projection spell that might help with this." Twilight chimed in as her horn glowed momentarily to grab a parchment and quill.
"Mr. Killian? Is that quite alright with you?" Celestia cooed as she looked at me expectedly.
I'd shove a sausage in each of yer maws to stop talking.
"Aye. Fine, do the thing with your head penises." I groaned as Twilight, white horse, and Maire blushed deeply at my comment.
Too hung over to care about modesty.
I felt a twinge, then a sharp poke as my brain felt like it was on fire. Before me a screen materialized out of thin air and my own memories began to play.
Breen Oakwood August 17th 2014
"Are you sure about this Leslie?" I asked the fare red headed lass before me.
Her top was a simple tight t-shirt and her even tighter jeans left little to the imagination. We had been going out for a little over a year and things finally had progressed enough where we were ready to go to the next step.
Outdoors shenanigans.
"Of course I am you nilly, now come over here and take my top clean off."
"ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT MEMORY." I yelled as I waved my hands over the lass removing her upper garments.
"Interesting. Were you going to drink milk from her teats?" Twilight mumbled as she took notes.
"NEXT MEMORY YOU DAMN HORSE!"
Lockes and Barbs Pub September 21st 2016
"Are you sure about walking home Killian? It's mighty cold for a September evening." Asked a man lumbering on his cane, a key dangling in bony white fingers as eyes filled with youth stared at me.
My back was turned and my collar on my plaid shirt was turned up to fend the cold.
"I'm fine Cole. Leave me be."
His hand went to my shoulder and I looked back at his sunken face with long whispy white hair. He looked old enough to be in the ground but to this day he ran the pub the same way he did when he founded it back before I was even a thought in a ballsack. Since longer than I remembered he was my guardian, my friend. To some he was like a father to me but I'd never admit it.
"You gotta let it go Killian. There was nothing that can be done ya cunt."He added with a half sarcastic, half gentle meaning
I brushed him aside as I looked to the forest before me. Surely there might be some young kid looking to mug someone, looking to make some cash tonight. If I was lucky that young punk would be my punching bag for the evening.
"Not now Cole. I have things to do, stuff to prepare. Affairs to... take care of." I said as I began my walk
"Till tomorrow Killian."
I merely grunted and walked on.
The forest took on an almost otherworldly glow as the moon shone overhead in all of her divine decadence. If only I, a lowly Irish bartender with no name and no fortune could be so grossly incandescent as the moon above me. To float high over the eyes of man to look down and smile at all of creation. That would be my deepest wish.
Too bad make a wish only applies to kids.
The forest was dead silent. The limbs of the trees nary even moved as I came to a small clearing where in the center stood the ol' Killarney Tree. The tree had been in the area for longer than even Cole lived. It was said to have been planted by the first Irish Sage and it held powers greater than any man could imagine. Though now it was a spot for the punks to come and spray paint all over her. Gang symbols and phrases too adult for me to remember littered her once majestic trunk. Leaves were stripped away leaving an empty husk of what once had been.
"Well old girl looks like it's you and me tonight." I whispered as I sat with my back pressed against it.
The tree said nothing. It's exactly what I needed.
"I don't understand what's happening these days. I wake up, I work, I take my medicine, I drink, drink some more, finish with a topper and go to sleep."
I stared at my gnarled hands from years of hard work and fighting.
"It's never-ending. Sometimes I wish this..." I tapped my own skull once.
"Would just take me away. I'm so tired of all the tests and all the people looking at me with pity. Just once I wish I could go somewhere where everyone had a smile and nobody felt bad for being themselves."
I placed my head into my arms as I shivered from the blasted September cold. The air seemed thicker than usual and through my right ear I heard the faintest sound of earth moving. I looked over and saw a hole at the base of the tree, maybe no more than three feet wide with no bottom in sight.
"Heh. What? You want a big man to fill your hole?" I joked as I stood and looked down at the hole.
"I'll humor you, ya old oak. I'll see how far deep this hole is."
I looked down and jumped, expecting to land not even a foot down.
Boy was I wrong.
"And that is how I ended up here. I fell for what felt like an eternity before I rolled onto a road and that bitch Lyra found me." I said as the image dissipated.
The others were staring at me with a face I knew all to well.
"I don't want your damn pity. My life is mine and even if I drunkenly wished for an escape I did not expect some old witch tree to throw me here with all of you." I grumbled with my arms crossed.
A hoof was placed on my shoulder and I turned to see Maire pressing herself against me.
"What did you mean when you..." Twilight tapped her head mocking the way I did in the memory.
I groaned and wished I had some booze.
"Cancer alright? I have cancer in my head." I huffed as I sunk into the couch.
The ponies merely stared, eyes blank until Celestia chimed in.
"What is cancer?"
Oh and they don't even have cancer here? Well yippe-freckin lala.
"It's a human disease. We get it in our heads and it eats us alive. Before you know it I'll be a crumpled husk wishin' for the sweet release of death." I managed to monotone.
Celestia nodded her head and took another sip.
"Sounds a lot like the mind rot the Saddle Arabians were studying a few years ago." She merely quipped.
"They found a cure for it here recently if I recall." The white regal horse said as she tapped her chin.
Awe yeah, go ahead and give me hope for a "cure" that's just what I need.
Celestia stood and wrapped a wing around Maire and I.
"I'm not saying it can help you Killian, but maybe I can send a letter to the embassy and see if there is a way we could arrange transport for you and your..." She paused and smiled, "Marefriend."
"I'M NOT HIS MAREFRIEND WE JUST MET!" Maire screamed as her body pressed even farther into mine. She was a cute one to be sure.
"Awe, you tellin me you'd like to be my marefriend lass? I was just about to ask too," I teased as her face turned into the deepest red I had ever seen.
"Killian. All joking aside if you wish to go home I can divert all of my research ponies to the task. Seeing your memory... It hurt me Killian." Celestia said.
Seeing the princess and goddess frown and look sad. Gods above it made ME sad.
"But, I would personally suggest maybe extending your stay here. Maybe if we can... we can find a cure for your cancer."
I thought long and hard. If I went home who knows what would happen. I'd go back to bar tending, fighting, drinking, and die alone just as my pa did before me. If I stayed here a bit longer maybe these crazy horses could find a cure. then I'd be a new man, free to do whatever I wanted without fear of drooling on a hospital bed with machines hooked up to me.
Would it be so bad to just try for once in my life?
I sighed and looked away from the princess.
"Supply me with booze and you got yourself a deal sun horse."
Celestia beamed with a smile and a slight blush as the human degraded her in front of her little ponies. Something about it... excited her.
"Very well. Then we will see to it that you are properly cared for and outfitted." She cheered a bit too jubilantly.
The ponies all went about the library and some left leaving me with Maire still seated next to me. She cleared her throat and looked at me to meet my gaze only to turn away.
"I see why you put on such a show."
I scoffed and leaned back in the chair.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
She leaned over, then pressed her head against me. Her warm fur made me feel... welcome. I felt as if maybe, just maybe, I could let down the ol' Irish drunk wall and talk to somebo- somepony.
Naw. She'll dump ya like the others. Best to keep your cock clean and your mind cleaner.
"You can... call me a horse anytime you like." She whispered with a chuckle.
"Shut up and get some rest." I chuckled back as my hands went to her mane, petting her gently.
Maybe there is something here for me.
She nuzzled into my hand gently and smiled.
"You know, I think Celestia was oggling your flank in those memories."
Triple shit.