Well then.
I looked down once again at the awestruck purple mare as she continued to twitch in an almost nervous fashion. As I stood there between a panting alicorn, a furious Bonbon, A slack jawed Spike, and a giggling Lyra the thought finally entered my mind that I was definitely not in Ireland anymore. The bottle that was almost glued to my lips gave up it's last sweet drop of mind altering release before it seemingly slipped between my fingers. I could subconsciously hear "Ave Maria" as the bottle fell in such a slow motion that I could see the dust particles brushing past it's sleek shining surface. The moment the bottle struck the ground a symphony exploded in my head, cymbals clashing as my mouth opened and the most un-manly scream escaped my lips and shook the entire room.
"FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK!"
The ponies all jumped in succession, eyes glued to to me as I fell to my knees and continued my scream with hands plastered to the side of my face. This was hell wasn't it? Spitting on the statue of Molly Malone, peeing into the public fountain, popping kids balloons with my laser pointer, this was hell for all of my misdeeds. Twilight popped out of her trance and I could see a piece of paper and a quill hover to the front of her face.
I didn't notice the staring of the others until I had finally run out of breath. My face felt hot, my lungs deflated like tiny raisins, my hands shaking. It was then that in the growing crescendo of my internal opera my lungs took a huge amount of air in before my mouth opened and I keeled over and promptly lost my lunch all over the floor.
"Celestias flank!" Bonbon cried as she leaped out of the way of my apple brandy shower.
It was too late, I was running like the possessed girl from "The Exorcist." My eyes watered as I cursed this world with every single curse I knew. Slowly the world came back into focus yet I stayed put on the ground. The ponies stood in a circle around me wearing faces of horror and mixed concern.
Dornans phallus what had I done to deserve this.
A towel hovered in front of me and as I looked up the purple mare I had embarrassed looked down at me with a warm smile as she nodded at me.
"Do you feel better?" She asked as she put a hoof on my back in support.
"Feck no I don't you dumb mare." I managed to rasp out as I cleaned my face.
Her hoof remained placed against me moving in small circles across my back as she cooed in my ear. I found the action creepy yet strangely calming as the warmth washed over me. In my mind I started to make a mental checklist of what I needed to do to figure out how the hell to get out of this crazy place.
Step 1. Find out where the hell I am.
Step 2. Find more alcohol.
Step 3. Don't drink more alcohol and fail.
Step 4. Find out who runs this place.
Step 5. Get home and repent like a desperate catholic at Armageddon.
Step 6. Call up my old fling and profit.
Slowly I got to my feet and nodded. Time to enact phase one of "Let's get the hell out of here."
"You there, smart purple thing." I stated as my finger pointed at the mare supporting me.
"Twilight."
"Yes. Purple smarty. You seem like an educated pony."
"Alicorn"
"Right... Alicorn. Anyway, you seem halfway intelligent. Where the hell am I?"
Her face contorted into a vicious grin as one of her eyebrows raised.
"A library."
Jesus this one has a mouth on her.
"No feckin shit purple. Where am I g-e-o-g-r-a-p-h-i-c-a-l-l-y?"
At this she put a hoof under her chin and her horn glowed brightly. A map unfurled from the wall and stretched out before me.
It looks like a child drew this.
"Well right now you're in Ponyville. We're kind of the center of all disasters and troubles the last few years." She said while nudging me as if to imply something, "Dragons, diamond dogs, timber wolves, mad goddesses, demons, you name it and it happens here. Anyways to the north east of us we have Equestrias capitol Canterlot where our princesses guard over all of us."
Lyra snickered and rolled her eyes at this.
"Yeah, REALLY good at guarding over us. Why last week Discord summoned an army of paper cut out skeleton warriors and rampaged the entire town until his weird friends fought them off. They said it was a game, can you believe that? They scared everypony in town because we all thought we were gonna be corralled into a prison and be skinned alive."
Bonbon rolled her eyes so hard a hoof flew to her face with a resounding "smack."
"No Lyra, you thought we were all gonna get skinned alive and turned into skeleton warriors. I should know since you pushed me out and kept screaming; take her, take her!"
This brought a chuckle out of me.
"Well we could have! How was I supposed to know guys night wasn't going to just stay with the guys?"
"Girls!" Twilight yelled with a stomp of her hoof.
Bonbon and Lyra stood at attention staring at her with saucer wide eyes. Twilight rubbed the bridge of her snout with her paw which again seemed super weird for me to witness. How many joints do these things have?
"Anyway. So we're the hot spot for all the bizzare happenings in Equestria. You're the sixty-seventh happening this year."
I grinned widely.
"Well if two more things happened before me I'd be a damn good number." I managed to chortle out as I elbowed Twilight.
Her confused look made me realize that my humor would not be appreciated here most likely.
"You know what? Nevermind. Human joke"
After a continued geography lesson I noticed the sun setting in the distance as a cascade of warm oranges and purples reached through the window to the opposite wall. Even if the denizens of this place had shit fashion and coloring sense I was at least able to sigh a sigh of relief at the beauty of the sunset.
"We should probably go home Twilight. It's a good thing you were in Ponyville for the week and not at your castle." Bonbon said as she and Lyra walked towards the door.
"Hey what about me?" I yelled as Twilight poured me another cup of the best damn earl gray I had ever tasted.
"Oh you can stay with me tonight Killian, I figured maybe you'd want to spend the night and help me with some research." She said as her eyebrow raised and lowered in a manner that I took immediately as seductive.
ABORT ABORT ABORT HORSE FUCKERY IN PROGRESS.
I found my feet carrying me out the door and to the side of Bonbon and Lyra who gave me a confused glance.
"I need a drink, no wait I need an ocean of booze. You all have that here right?"
Bonbon shook her head.
Of feckin course. They have magic and electricity but most of the ponies use candlelight like a bunch of saxon savages.
"Well you could go to the new tavern that opened up at the edge of Ponyville" Lyra chimed in.
This horse? I like this horse. She gets me.
"Well that does sound downright lovely now doesn't it?" I roared as I threw my arms over the back of my head.
The street lamps were lit and the ponies didn't seem as shocked at me being present. It was probably because of some magic mambo-jumbo bull like ley lines or occult happenings that made them so used to strange occurrences. Nevertheless Lyra and Bonbon walked me towards the edge of town where a tune caught my ear. The sweetest sounds of a fiddle and a guitar rang true from the ramshackle log cabin that eerily looked like a tavern from my own town. A battered wood sign depicting a frazzled mare hung from the doorway and proclaimed in proud hand carved words "Hair of the Mare."
This I could get used to. I thought with a grin.
The room smelled of sweat, hard work, and booze. Tables were scattered around as stallions of varying colors all talked and threw back tankards of the lords tears. It was a sight that brought a tear to this old boys heart if I could say so. The chandeliers were made from the wheels of wagons and the patrons looked as if they may well have built it themselves. I liked this. It felt a lil bit like home.
At the center of the bar was a raised platform no more than five feet by five feet and from there the source of the joyous tune continued. I smiled as a dusty brown stallion with hair covering his eyes strummed a guitar strung across his lap. His hooves moved in mesmerizing patterns and I wondered how a creature with no fingers could play such a thing.
But what caught my eye was the fiddle player.
Her coat was simply off white, borderline gray, and fluffy in peculiar spots like she wasn't brushed in a damn long time. Her mane was a dull blue which of course was odd in a sea of neon and bright pallets. A fiddle that was well loved and scarred was propped under her chin as a bow slung its way hurriedly across the strings suspended by what I now assumed to be magic. Unlike the ponies in the room (sans the waitresses who wore basic aprons) she wore a hoodie, like, a human hoodie. It was a dark shade of gray and was torn at the sleeves, the hood crumpled under her long unkempt mane.
Damn was she playing too. I hadn't heard fiddle skills like that since my grandmammy died.
As she finished her song with beads of sweat clinging to her head the entire audience froze as they soon witnessed my entry. I felt slightly bad because surely they would be clapping? Clopping? what would the word be?
Regardless I started to slap my hands together and whistle, damn the formalities of alien encounter.
"That was good, damn good! Way to slay the strings!"
Her eyes went wide, a delirious shade of grassland green as her mouth opened and closed. Of course I knew I had fecked up and not being a man to get flustered I did the only rational thing an Irish bartender could do. I grabbed the nearest tanker from it's slack jawed owner and downed the entire tankard in one gulp.
"WELL DON'T STOP ON MY ACCOUNT!"
The patrons seemed to appreciate that and the loud yelling and conversation promptly resumed. The pony I had taken the booze from merely nodded at one of the waitresses and patted his hoof against the barrel next to him motioning for me to take a seat. I happily took the seat and bumped my fist against his hoof in a sign of friendship.
"Appreciate the drink! Sorry if I snagged it from ye I'm not too keen on your kinds social graces."
The stallion was dark red, like the shade of a ripe apple and his golden mane shook a bit as he merely smiled.
"Can I get a solid pint here? I'm looking to get a wee bit shmackered." I managed to slur now realizing whatever this stalion had in his tank was the good stuff.
"Eeyup." Was all he said as he waved at the waitress again.
She was smaller than most of the mares I had the displeasure of meeting, with a bobby looking pink mane and a slightly pink-white body. Her tattoo was a wine bottle with bubbles and with a nervous smile she slid the stallion and I two large frothing tankards.
"Anything else Big Mac?" She asked with a crack in her voice.
"Eenope." Was the quick reply.
I took the tank and raised the frothy brew to my lips, savoring the sweetest cinnamon apple flavor I had the pleasure of tasting. Apple Cider? Damn my nethers it was the best damn apple cider I had ever tasted! The stallion grinned widely as he pointed to my drink then back to himself.
"You made this fine brew?"
"Eeyup."
"Is that all you can say?"
"Eenope."
"A stallion of few words then?"
"Eeyup." Came the jubilant and expected reply.
Oh, I like this guy, he's a man that knows what he likes and doesn't talk too much.
"I like you Mac, you're the first pony that hasn't attacked me or had some kind of mini orgasm around me." I said with a punch to his front shoulder.
He looked at me with a quiet smile and slugged me back and damn in heaven did it hurt! His eyes went to mine then with a nod he looked back to the lass that began her next song.
The stallion with his guitar whipped his bangs from his face and began to sing. A song of finding home, a song of longing, a song of journeys. This world wasn't looking so bad the more I stayed here that was for certain. The two began to sing together, the mare having a almost rugged and... dare I say... sexy voice. I took another swig not noticing it was my second tanker. A good tavern, good music, and a stallion that knew when to shut up.
Well at least I'm not hog tied with that damn purple horse hitting me with a switch.
The singing stopped and there was the sound of hooves hitting wood while the fiddle and the guitar continued. If I knew the atmosphere, and believe me I did, I could only surmise the patrons were about to start dancing. Sure enough the stallions and the waitresses took to the floor and danced, hooves hitting the floor in an undefined rhythm that made me tap my finger against the table. Mac looked to me with head bobbing as he nodded back to the dancing.
"Oh, you wanna see my dance moves ya red bastard?" I sluggered as my arm wrapped around him.
"Eeyup."
"Well fine! I'm well shlickered might as well make a right fool of myself!" I roared as my legs carried me from the table and to the crowd. No eye was unfriendly as they parted, my feet tapping madly at the floor as my hands went to my hips. I might not be a riverdancing toot but I knew where my feet were going as I danced madly, turning only to clap my hands to the rhythm. The room grew loud with the clops and the sound of my shoes hitting the hardwood floor.
I barely registered that the mare on the fiddle was dancing as well, making her way around me mimicking my own dance. How a pony could dance on her hind legs I didn't know but the mare could dance! Her fiddle never left her chin as she looked up to me with a growing grin. Whew this lass was gonna give me a run for my money and I wasn't about to have any of that! I repeated my fervent taps, my legs arching and falling with the precision of a surgeon as I moved my hands up and around my back, swinging in wide open arcs as I tapped to the rhythm. The mare increased her own movements, copying me move for move while still carrying that blasted fiddle.
I felt like I was dancing off with the devil and my booze was at stake.
I slammed one foot to the ground as I begun to move closer to the spitfire of a mare. My head was drenched in sweat and my once combed auburn hair hung loosely over my eyes with the burning of the sun. I would best her if it meant shattering my own knees!
Well at least I would if the damned alcohol hadn't decided it was a good time to turn my brain off.
I fell backwards, propelling myself into an unintentional back flip and landed with a hard crack against the table behind me.
CRASH!
Table aside, I was laying in a bed of splintered wood around a circle of hooping and hollering ponies. A big drunken smile wrapped around my face as I was pulled up by the fiddle mares magic. Her tufty mane had all but hidden the horn and with a bright smile she offered me her hoof.
"Not bad for a misshapen Minotaur!" She beamed as I wrapped my hand around her hoof warmly.
Gods above how are their hooves so soft?
"I'm not a- ya know what? forget it. Not bad for a four legged fiddle player." I countered as the denizens let out a joined laugh before going back to their tables.
The mare grinned and socked me on the arm.
"Maire, Maire Strings at your service." She said with a flourishing bow.
"A mare named Maire, how comical."
Her eyes shot foam daggers at me as she tried to maintain a look of incredulity. She failed though and laughed all the same, picking bits of wood off of my shirt and pants with her magic. It was an odd feeling to be sure. It felt like millions of tiny specks gripping at me then pulling away. Magic was weird.
"And you are? Let me guess... Wobbly Knees? Drunken Lumpkin?"
I sneered at her half heartedly before releasing a deep throated chuckle.
"Killian. Killain Cormac."
"An odd name for a Minotaur. Well whatever that was, it was fun. I haven't danced like that since my last show in Manehattan!"
Manehattan? Lord I'm in the pony equvelant of America aren't I? Gods be damned that's not where I wanna be.
"Yeah, I havent danced like that since the last clan get together. You play well, even your hairy pal over there." I said as I pointed to the stallion with the mane covering his eyes.
"You mean Shag? He's ok, just met him on the road and he joined up. Usually I play solo or find a random stranger to join me."
Something in the way she says that is enticing.
"Shag? What is it with the weird names around here?"
She laughed and left the question where it was. Her horn glowed and two more tankards floated towards us.
"Drink with me Killian! You've earned it after all of that."
I took the tankard and shot her a knowing grin as I brought the tank to my waiting lips. Something in the way Maire's lips touched the tankard reminded me of something... something se-
"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!"
I turned to see a contingency of heavily armored ponies bursting through the door. They all wore shining white and gold armor and had the nastiest pointies aimed at my head. Behind them was a visibly destressed Twilight and some white mare with flowing purple mane. A pink bouncing pony soon followed and I found myself in such a drunken state that with a wide smile I offered my glass to the guards.
"Care for a drink officers?"
Double shit.