//------------------------------// // Chapter 35 // Story: Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel // by the-pieman //------------------------------// The area all around me is smooth, gleaming, white stone. I’m not sure what kind, because there’s no imperfections or changes, and there’s seemingly random bursts of clear crystals a few feet away as my eyes open. “That... was not fair...” I mumble as I go to sit up. “Cheap shot...” I hear some muttering nearby, along with a faint, but high-pitched, ringing noise at the edge of my hearing. As well, the side of my head hurts like nothing else, and I think my face tried to stick to the floor. I manage to sit up and get a better look at my surroundings, rubbing my ear which seems to be the source of the ringing. All around are eye-searingly bright white surfaces, smooth, clean lines, and geometric shapes. The crystal clusters appear to be giving off light, but it’s hard to tell with how bright and reflective everything here is. Where am I? “Greetings, traveller!” A powerful voice sweeps through the room, tearing at my headache. I’m still recovering from the amount of booze I drank, and now the head injury, and the voice surpasses every other painful thing I’ve ever endured. “Keep it down, some of us are still recovering...” I mutter as I attempt to stand up, hands gingerly pressed to my ears. “Ah, we apologize. Please, rise in our presence, and be greeted by the light!” The voice bellows, and it’s only a few decibels quieter. I get to my feet and look around for the source of the voice. I prefer the darkness to blinding light and it’s starting to hurt my eyes badly. I can feel them watering slightly. “Could you turn down the light a bit?” “What light? There is only the grandeur of the White Queen; no meagre light may illuminate my majesty of our own self!” “You just said... oh screw it. So you’re the white queen, great. Whaddya want with me?” “We are... unsure. The Red Queen was in control of the castle forces when your capture was completed! She did not believe our own forces would be capable of defeating hers, and delayed your judgement and execution, and now it falls under our purview instead!” Argh, still shouting... “Look, shut up and speak like a normal person!” I say, wincing at the loud voice. “What am I doing here? Make up your mind.” “You are here to have your fate decided by our most magnificent and munificent desires! And we believe... hmm... you shall enter into this day’s chess game! Yes, this is a most immaculate idea!” Oh... the chessboard. Great. Also... munificent? I take it this is the stupid sort of royal who knows big words but not what they mean. Either way... the chessboard, great. “So what piece am I? I’m fine with anything but the King.” “You shall be our most important and valued of pieces, which shall be most instrumentalized to our purpose! A pawn!” Glaring at the source of the light, I finally make out a white, equine shape in crystalline armor, with geometrically precise hair. More friggin’ ponies, even in Wunderland... of course. Might as well get this over with. “So when does the game start?” “In but a short time. We shall go to glorious battle, and preserve the castle for the forces of the Light! And of Order, and peace, and of goodness!” The Queen says, pride in every word. “Yeah yeah, blah blah, you’re the good guys and the other side sucks Hitler’s balls, I get it. Just call me when I’m up.” “It shall be so! And we shall keep your companions well secured, that they may be safe until the victory meal of tofu and healthy portions this evening when you win this battle for us! By use of our own brilliant and most efficacious tactical expertise, of course!” The way this queen talks and boasts, I have the feeling I could beat her in a game of chess all by myself. Either way, it looks like it’s just waiting for the game to start for now. Looking around, I spot the only bits of color not fitting the area, those being the splotch of blood where my head had been, bits of hair and skin stuck in the dried mess. The other is a large pool of silver with a rather distinct top hat floating on it, inside of a large, mostly clear vase. Shit... “What did you do to the Hatter? I mean, obviously you liquified him but... why?” Rather than answering, the light simply seems to vanish for the most part, and I turn, seeing that the White Queen had left. Turning back to the vase, I see that a humanoid head is forming from the mercury-like liquid, hat perched jauntily on top. “I know you.” The faceless Hatter says. “You wouldn’t be the first.” I say, recalling the Jabberwock knowing my real name. “So what’s going on? Aren’t you, y’know, dead?” “I know you.” The Hatter repeats, moving close to the layer of crystal separating us, brim of the hat folding against the clear crystal. “You spoke to me, when we met. When we first met. Not last time, but the time before time before time before that. You circle your fate... but you are not the same this time. What is different?” I’ll be honest, it sounds important and philosophical, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. “Yeah, uh, okay. So what’s up with you? Why are you in a vase?” “Because it is an effective method of holding a being made of a liquid material. Also, it is more blue than any other color, and I’m not feeling the inspiration for a blue period.” “Uh, okay. So what do you mean I’m different this time? Also, you’re the Mad Hatter right? You aren’t supposed to be an animate liquid... I mean, I get the mercury correlation but it still doesn’t make sense.” “I am what I make things of. That is how the saying goes, right?” The Hatter replies. “As for this time, I mean something has happened differently. You aren’t the you you were when you were the you you were.” I’d put money on my still being drunk if I wasn’t still in the land of messed-up wordplay. “Okay then, so I... time traveled?” “I suppose that would be the most logical conclusion, but it is a tad silly. After all, we’re all already travelling through time, at a rate of one second per second. It’s rather amazing that we’ve all been able to coordinate how fast we endure time, especially since I don’t recall being invited to any meetings on the subject!” Okay, this guy is nuts. He’s like one of those crazy drunkards who sounds like they’re saying something important and meaningful until you finally realize he’s just talking bullshit. Unfortunately I have nobody else to talk to, so... “Are you going to be playing chess as well?” “I am unsure, to be entirely honest. Hmm, what a funny phrase! As if one might announce dishonesty.” The silvery humanoid figure raises a dripping hand to his non-existent lips in thought. I figure maybe seeing if the Hatter is anything like the Hatter is in the books would put us on the same page. If he gives the right answer to his famous riddle, he’s the real deal. “So, I have a question. How is a raven like a writing desk?” “I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter, and I have to admit, that was the answer he gave in the original books, word for word. “But then... you were the one who told me to say that.” He says, baffling me to no end. I never... wait, this is more of this time-manipulation bullshit. For all I know, I did talk to him in an alternate timeline that he’s aware of. And if I become aware of a separate timeline as well as this one I could end up as batshit as this guy is. I decide to save my sanity, what little Wunderland has spared that is, and end my conversation. I resign myself to silence as I wait for my position as a ‘pawn’ to be needed. About an hour later, I suddenly find myself in a line of pawns on a massive, hexagonal grid set into the ground between two castles... no, the same castle, just in two locations. Gah, my headache is coming back just looking at that. Nevertheless, I’m a pawn and so I’ll be moved eventually to at least make way for a piece behind me, and at most to ascend and become a much more powerful piece. In either case, the hexagonal spaces baffle me. How does one tell the difference between straight and diagonal movement like this? I see one of the pawns move straight forward, followed by one on the far side... in red. Huh, not black and white then. White and Red are the colors, and that pawn ahead of me has just moved. A few turns later, and I feel a pressure in my legs, begging me to move forward a space. I figure this is how you play Chess with sentient creatures as the pieces: make them want to move. But that’s not taking advantage of a pawn’s main ability to move two spaces from the starting position, if I’m to become a better piece like a rook or a bishop, I’ll need to get to the other side faster. I obey the urge to move forward and try to continue on to the second hexagon ahead of me. I stop short when my feet just... fail to move forward past the middle of the hexagon. This isn’t fair, I know chess. Sure not hexagon chess but still I bet I’m a better player than the White Queen is. Secondly, if she’s the white queen... why would a piece be the main player? How do they see the board? This is stupid...” The last bit of my thought is spoken aloud and heard by the rest of the nearby ‘pieces’. “The Queen is creating a defensive screen, Pawn.” I turn to look over my shoulder, and see that it’s a pony in crystal armor and sporting a long, clear spike of glassy material from one armored shoulder. A knight, I guess, though the pony is nearly as tall as my shoulders, making it rather large for a pony, though not as big as Celestia who is about a head taller than I am. “I am not a defensive player, really. Pawns are meant to become better pieces not just act as cannon fodder.” I say to the knight. I’m gonna figure out how to break the psychic control of myself and do what I want. “I’d make a better queen anyways.” “Perhaps you would’ve been better on the Red Side... or perhaps you are the Knave. We shall see, in time.” “Whatever, horseface, I’m just trying to get home.” “Then perhaps you should be less eager to spend your life on a risky gamble, Pawn.” the knight responds, then tenses and gallops off to a new position. “Am I the only one who thinks the term ‘pawn’ isn’t as derogatory as its implications?” I ask the piece behind me to my right, another pawn. “Pawns are as valuable as any piece.” The other pawn replies. “It is not a term of derision, nor of honor. Only the Queens bear worth above the others.” “You don’t play much chess yourself, do you?” I ask rhetorically. “I was born to it, actually.” The pawn says, and I get a better look at him. He appears to be a fairly normal pony, dressed in simple but impressive white scale mail armor. He doesn’t appear nervous or upset, standing stoically in place one hex behind me. On a square board, this would mean diagonally-moving pieces could slip between us, but on this hexagonal board, we’re a solid wall of defense, and can move up one space at a time safely... I can see the value of this strategy, but it’s too defensive, and it’s not going to get us any meaningful captures. “Unless she moves the pawn to my other side two spaces and lets the Rook out...” I mutter to myself as I imagine a top-view of the board and mentally move pieces around. Even on this hexagonal board, I can see a way to win this in roughly twenty-five moves assuming the opponent is of similar strategy. “But the knight can’t be where it is yet, we’ve already screwed up. It would take another ten moves to rectify the issue.” I say aloud to myself as I think it over. The pawn looks over at me, a confused look on his face. “How can you tell?” He asks, sounding puzzled. “I play chess a lot. Granted the hexagon spaces are new to me but I have a pretty good idea of how this could all play out. It just takes a bit of strategy and thinking ahead. Of course if I had a better view of the whole board it would be even easier.” The pawn blinks uncomprehendingly. I sigh. “Nevermind.” Returning my attention to the other side I stand and wait for further orders. Chess had never been this boring before, I can’t see what’s going on. More than a dozen turns later, I’m grinding my teeth down as the White Queen makes a series of bad moves that put her in a worsening position, eventually starting to send me and the other pawn forward, the one I hadn’t talked to already picked off by a piece I didn’t recognize that didn’t move to attack. Still, I’m moving, and that’s progress... If the queen gets her head in the game I could end up a rook or bishop and totally dominate from the other side. It’s just down to hoping though. My buddy is picked off by an enemy Knight, a large earth-pony in blood red, without any armor, just a long, bone-like spur of a lance jutting from its shoulder. Its helmet is the only armor it wears, the full-face covering decorated with small spikes and splashes of crimson that don’t quite match the pony’s fur. That said, that should put it in prime position for me to take it out. I so badly want to just run up there and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, but that’s up to the queen... ugh. Instead, I’m urged to step forward, putting me one space away from the enemy’s home row, meaning I’m only a single move away from getting empowered... and suddenly I’m not being given any move at all, other pieces getting moved around me. Twenty turns or so later, there’s a sudden feeling of something important breaking, and everything comes clear as I realize that both Queens are next to me, one on either side. Both look down to me, and at the same time, command me to take the other. “Uh, okay, which one do I take?” “You are the knave, it is your decision.” The Red Queen says. “Whomever you choose to obey will win this round. You will, of course, be rewarded appropriately.” Her voice is almost seductive, and looking at her, I can see why. For a pony, she’s actually rather nice to look at, and appears to be an alicorn, all in shades of red. Instead of wings, though, she has a series of thin, bony things, like fingers growing from her back, thin bloodshot webbing giving them some amount of volume. “And what sort of reward would that be?” I ask, looking to the White Queen who is, without her absurd light, a rather normal looking pony, very similar to Celestia in appearance but pure white all over. Her mane, unlike Red’s luxurious fall of black cherry-colored hair, is short and carefully kept, all angular lines and precision, like Twilight’s mane taken to the logical extreme. She’s also more angular than her curvy comparator. “I will give you any one thing you need most. As well, I am the embodiment of order and good!” She says, smiling triumphantly, as if that last part would win me over. “And I will give you one thing that you most want. And whatever she says, she’s wrong about what she’s the embodiment of. She’s the avatar of stagnation and insipid idiocy run rampant.” Red says, whispering huskily to me. “Well, what I need and want is to go home, so technically, assuming neither of you are lying, I could get what I want from both of you, making my choice not matter.” I say, always being one to create a third option, if one is not given. “What happens if I take neither of you?” “You can’t not choose either of us.” White says. “You are a piece here, as much as either of us. And if the game runs too long... we will all be replaced, yourself included.” “So we all want to win, and that means taking one of you. So who can give me my way back to Equestria?” “Whoever wins.” Red says. “That is who will have the power of the Castle at their whim until the next game, tomorrow.” I think about that. “So in other words it doesn’t matter who I pick, I’m going home either way.” “No, it does matter. If you pick me, I can bring peace and happiness to anywhere in my control!” White says, stepping towards the edge of the space I’m on. “Peace? Ha! More like boredom. I can throw a feast in your honor if you side with me, and send you safely on your way come morning.” “I can throw a feast, too, and it’ll be healthy! I can get you to Equestria before the night is over!” “I’m able to give him what he desires and a way back!” “What I give him will help him be a better person!” “Well, I can-” “Shut up!” I yell, quieting the fighting. “Jeez, you are like the lion and unicorn, only you aren’t beating each other up, and one isn’t obviously winning...” The queens stare at me. “Look, I don’t need food so a feast would be purely for indulgence, also I fail to see how healthy food makes me a better person. The way I see it, Red is giving the better offer, but since I’m fair I can give both of you a chance.” I turn to White. “So go ahead, appeal to me. Why should I pick you? And no bickering.” “With the power of the Castle, I can give you what you need. What this is yet, I do not know, but it will benefit you in the long run. I can also guarantee you safe passage to the nearest Lookinglass Gate, and ensure that you arrive as soon as is safely possible. I’ll also pack you some healthy snacks for the journey!” She says. I nod. “Uh huh... And what else?” The second part is aimed at Red. “I can grant you, with the power of the Castle, something you want more than anything else, though I don’t yet know what that is. And I will grant you safe passage come morning, to the nearest Lookinglass Gate. And tonight, I will throw you a feast, and entertain you as best as my considerable power will allow. You will have the pick of pleasures from a dozen different worlds~” she trails off the ‘s’ with what I assume is a seductive noise, but I’m not personally interested in her. I weigh the options. On one hand I get health food and something I absolutely need. On the other hand... Well, pleasures from a dozen worlds has many implications, on top of what I want the most... “Alright, I’m picking Red. Seriously White, you’re way too straight and narrow to come up with a good deal.” “I- but you’ll need it! I promise!” However, her last-minute pleas don’t really sway me, and I step towards her with intent to ‘take’... whatever that entails, likely me killing her Wizard Chess style. The moment I step onto her tile, though, she simply fades away, looking utterly crushed. “That... was incredibly anticlimactic.” Red runs one of those creepy bone-finger things under my chin. “You made a good choice. Now, let’s rearrange things a little, and get this really started!” She says, two of the bony tendrils coming together and making a noise like snapping fingers, and the entire area shifts, and we’re riding on a  parade float towards the castle, a scarlet-colored woman -not a pony, but a humanoid- lounges next to me, dressed in a long, flowing gown of near-black material, her blood red eyes focused on the crowd all around the long avenue rather than on me. Hell of a reception for the win, that’s for sure. After the float ride, which ends with some fireworks that are just barely visible in the sky, we enter the castle I assume I was in earlier, though the white ‘angular’ look is replaced with flying columns and gold-trimmed scarlet and burgundy fixtures everywhere. There’s red potted plants, whose leaves are shaped like hearts, potted roses climbing some of the columns, and red candles on near-black candlesticks and chandeliers made of black iron. It actually looks pretty cool, and there’s actual carpet in here, which is even better, because those solid stone floors were extremely uncomfortable just to look at, let alone kneel or sit on. The Red Queen, still looking humanoid, walks down the halls like she’s perfectly at home in them, and there’s suits of blood-red armor standing at attention on stands in the alcoves on the walls. There’s servants galore, from a half dozen species or so, all of them dressed in or colored red, and wearing scarlet masks. They all bow to me and the Queen, stepping out of our ways. Now this I could get used to. And it’s going to last the rest of today and all of tonight? That coupled with what I was told was being provided, I finally feel absolutely happy about my not needing to sleep at all. “Now, I received word that there’s some kind of prisoners in the castle. I haven’t been told why, I figure they could make a decent stew between them, or perhaps something else would be a better recipe. Have you any suggestions? A decent centerpiece for the feast would be lovely, and I normally don’t have anything to give me good suggestions.” I think for a moment before my memory passes back to one special meal I had a long time ago at a special event. “A pig. A whole pig, cooked on a spit to the point that the meat falls off with but a touch and melts in your mouth like chocolate.” “That sounds delicious~! I’m sure the little pink one would make an excellent substitute for a pig!” The Queen says, clapping her hands delightedly as my brain stalls on the meaning of her response. Little pink one could mean anything, but I get the feeling that she means Pinkie, as it’s likely that the prisoners are the ponies I came here with. “Ah, if you can’t get a real pig I’d settle for a wild boar... I’d rather you don’t serve my friends. I’d also like the prisoners released into... uh, my custody. They may participate in the feast.” “Oh, piffle... fine, be that way.” She says, waving her hand absently. A pair of wings, built like the tendril-things on her pony form reach up, twisting into hands and snapping their ‘fingers’ as we enter the feasting hall, the three ponies and the vase containing the Hatter all appear on chairs around the massive table. And really, the table is big enough to easily seat three or four hundred beings, and the vaulted ceiling is big enough that the roof isn’t visible, shrouded in darkness from being too far from the light sources a ‘mere’ fifteen feet up. I take a look at the current ‘spread’ and see a boar, which must’ve been big enough to get mistaken for a VW Bus before its legs came off, an apple big around as a hubcap in its mouth sitting in the center of the table, smaller pigs further down the line. The center of said table has a notable bit of extra width to it, with space for a large, throne-like seat, and a smaller one beside it, presumably for me. There’s also bowls big enough to swim in heaped with mounds and mounds of mashed potatoes, cheese covered somethings, dumplings in stew pots, and even vegetarian options, such as bowls of roses, marinara-covered pasta bowls, piles of sandwiches of numerous designs and toppings, and everything from olive-based puddings to some sort of omelette made with onions and peppers and other things that I think are multi-colored mushrooms. There’s bread of all kinds, stacks of fried veggies, three different types of soup (all reds) and shish kebabs adorned with a bewildering array of edible items. And judging by the lack of dessert items (that pudding looks bready) this is only the first course. I grin widely at the ponies who are slack-jawed, and even Cadence, a princess with likely access to pretty extravagant meals, is looking bowled over. I saunter into the room and take my seat in the slightly smaller throne and go to fill up a plate. A servant steps over and scoops whatever I point at onto a plate and sets it before me. “Finally, something with absolutely no downsides.” I say as I gesture for the others to eat, though they stay stunned for a good long while. Cadence is the first to recover, and follows suit, pointing with a wing and getting what she asks for, saying polite ‘thank you’s to each servant as they assist her, and Twilight recovers next. Pinkie finally picks her jaw off the floor and joins in, gathering up food to eat while she can. It feels good to be the winner... I take a slice of the centerpiece and, as I asked for mere moments ago, it positively melts in my mouth. It tastes... pretty good, though it’s not as I expected boar to taste. Either way it’s interesting. Very smoky flavor, and quite good. Next I try the first soup, and that’s great too; it’s got a slightly meaty flavor I wasn’t expecting, but I don’t mind it too much. It certainly adds to the flavor. As I eat, I see that the servants have entered, all wearing blank red masks with the eyes nothing but blank black holes in the masks, though the servants themselves are all quite attractive. More so, in fact, than I’d expect from ‘peasants’ in a royal setting. I’d expect at least one to have some amount of... imperfection to them. Thankfully, they aren’t all creepy perfect, but they’re pretty close. “So.” I begin, addressing my friends. “Another part of this is that I was offered ‘pleasures from a dozen worlds’ and I figure that would be interesting to experience.” “I hope it’s better than this. I mean, this is great and all but it tastes... Idunno. I’ve never had half of this stuff...” Pinkie trails off, unsure of how to continue. I just shrug. “Neither have I but it’s pretty darn good.” I get a plate of whatever else is available. At this point I’m not really caring what I’m eating, it all tastes delicious but slightly off. Oh well, it’s still pretty good. “Maybe it’s because it was literally cooked and prepared in a matter of seconds.” I suggest. Twilight looks it over, muttering something quietly as she tries one of the sandwiches, one with rose petals on it. “I will admit, this is quite good.” “This is the treat of the first world; Terra. Dishes prepared from cultures all over the world, right here!” The Red Queen says, garnering applause and cheerful whooping from the courtiers that had settled in. Down the table, I see one grab a servant and kiss them, the servant not pulling away or refusing, but rather just moving on once the courtier is done. Interesting... maybe that’s why they’re all pretty, they’re meant to be concubines as well... Either way, though. “So, if this is from different cultures of Terra, why have I never seen anyone in Ponyville or Canterlot making things like this? I get the whole ‘meat’ thing is taboo to unicorns, but I’d expect a pig or something from an Earth pony town like Ponyville.” “Likely because they lack the insight to make the most of what they have available.” The Red Queen says haughtily. “Actually, I do recognize this cooking style from a Griffon banquet I attended while learning diplomacy.” Cadence volunteers. “And these sandwiches are just like the ones back in Ponyville; well, they don’t taste quite right, but very close.” Twilight says. “I think it’s something to do with the way the roses are grown.” I nod. “Well if I can get half this stuff from a Griffon city, I wouldn’t mind visiting one in the future. Given both birds and wildcats are carnivorous it makes sense a lot of meat dishes would be theirs.” “Well, maybe not a boar that big...” Twilight says, an inquisitive tone in her voice. “Where did this come from exactly? The only types of creature this big would have to come from either an undiscovered part of Terra or somewhere else.” “Oh, we made them here.” Red says, before reaching out with a hand and grabbing a fistful of meat, eating it surprisingly delicately for having snagged a chunk the size of my own liver. And, actually, I just realized that she’s much taller than I am. Like, nine, ten feet tall. “Well, if this is supposed to represent Terra... as extravagant as this meal is, several things here do come from Terra yes, but at different sizes. The boar is the best example as I stated before.” “Twilight, don’t complain. Tonight we get to eat like disgustingly rich people with absolutely no drawbacks except possibly a stomachache from eating too much. Don’t ruin this for me, alright?” I insist, shaking a fork her way as I spear a chunk of omelette with it. “I’m just saying, it’s a bit of an exaggerated representation. I could offer some encyclopedias another time to help you make it more accurate if you’d like.” The Red Queen turns slowly toward Twilight, and her glare is hard and unforgiving. “Are you criticizing my hospitality?” “N-no! It’s, uhm, entirely alright.” Twilight says, ducking in her seat, and Red’s gaze returns to the haughty, pleased expression she has normally. “There, there. It’s no trouble at all! And besides, you apologized. And that’s what’s important. Now, on to the desserts, a treat from a new world!” She says, even though almost nobody seems finished with their food. She snaps her fingers above her head, and the entire feast literally melts into a blood-like mess before evaporating away, the crimson fog revealing a massive feast, this time of an almost uncountable number of different dishes, ranging from what is clearly ice cream to some things that appear to be flowers, crystalline and bright. Another appears to be a live crab, but with only three legs set up like a tripod, and four claws, and the whole thing is placidly sitting in a large bowl of water, which is boiling around the crab to no apparent effect. I sample some ice cream first and it is both familiar and not. The texture is similar to sherbet, but the flavor is very foreign. “And what world is this a ‘pleasure’ of?” I ask, taking more of the ice cream. It’s different, but also very good. “Mmm, four worlds, technically, but I’m lumping it in a one. It’s from a galaxy far and far away, that hasn’t existed in a long, long time.” I eye the crab and think about traps for a moment. I decide against trying the crab, but I figure everything else is free game. Continuing on I discover tastes so new and delicious that my usually insatiable sweet tooth is content with what I’ve eaten. “Okay, that was fulfilling in more ways than one.” I say and the others agree with me, especially Pinkie who finally got to eat as many sweets as she could handle. Given her odd physical nature I half expected her to just sort of swell up, but she doesn’t even do that. I swear that pony could out-eat a bear. The Red Queen makes a gesture and the food melts and dissolves like the main course. “Now we move on to the next pleasure, crossing eight worlds in and of itself: a dance with participants from every world Wunderland borders!” The Queen says, grinning widely, as the table breaks apart and flies to the edges of the room in pieces, becoming a series of smaller tables laden with drinks and small snacks,meant for refreshment after activity rather than an actual meal. Every one of the courtiers all rise together and immediately pair off, with no real regards to gender or species. This leaves Cadence, Twilight, Pinkie, the Queen and myself without partners, and four figures approach, also each without a partner. There’s a pony, a humanoid, a tall, willowy figure who, while humanoid, doesn’t quite seem right. There’s a canid fellow on all fours, with red-dyed fur and a fine bow-tie. I pick the humanoid as it would be the easiest for me to dance with. The humanoid is, at least, female, though I can’t tell much more thanks to the bird-like red mask she’s wearing, and she seems to know how to do the fancy dance better than I, so I mostly follow her lead. Cadence takes the canid, saying he looks adorable, and Pinkie selecting the pony. That leaves Twilight, Red, and the weird tall figure. The ridiculously tall figure steps forward to dance with Twilight, who looks nervous. I swear I’ve seen that tall thing somewhere, but I’m not placing it. Ah well, he doesn’t seem dangerous. The Queen seems content to grab a servant and begin dragging them towards the center of the dance floor. “So what’s your name?” I ask my partner. I’m only half expecting a response I can understand, but still, it’s conversation. “I am Duchess of Roses.” She answers, without any inflection in her voice. “Interesting. And what’s with the mask? Surely a Duchess doesn’t need to hide her face...?” “We who are the Queen’s have no faces, that we do not risk being anything more than her. To do so would be...” I can tell she’s thinking of a word, not merely stopping. “Disrespectful.” Is what she decides on. “Odd.” I reply but don’t press any further. I don’t understand much about royalty in Wunderland and I suppose having a face in a world where facial features are entirely optional is... sort of disrespectful in a way if you are below someone. Not that I’d order anything creepy like that. “Do you find me pleasant?” The woman asks some ten minutes of dancing later. “I ask because the Queen has given you the rights of her right hand for the evening.” There’s something off about her phrasing. One, the implications are... not what I’d hoped for from Wunderland, and two the cadence of her words is off, and has been from the beginning. “Well, you are nice. Not perfect, who is after all, but you don’t need to be perfect. Although I must ask. What sort of rights does her right hand have?” “Any except to countermand her.” The Duchess replies. “I can live with that.” I reply, giving her a smile and continuing the dance. A few dirty thoughts cross my mind, thinking about what I could do with that kind of power for a whole night. I shake them off though. I might make a request, but I wouldn’t force anything on anyone. It’s just been a pretty long time is all. After a while the dancing is over and I’m ready for the next world’s pleasure. I find myself near the center of the room as the Queen makes her next grand gesture, snapping her fingers again. The Duchess stands next to me as the Queen’s command makes the dining hall become a large, square area with a central ring-shaped area. “Now, we will move on to the next great entertainment; a battle between combatants! My dear Knave will fight any of you I choose, and any who can defeat him will be rewarded. And for each enemy he finishes off, I will give him a reward after the fight. This is fun!” The Queen says, and I feel myself slide along the floor into the circle. “Now, choose your first opponent!” She says to me, grinning a little too broadly. I look around at my options. There’s dozens of courtiers and servants, the girls, the Queen herself... and the Courtiers and Servants range from humanoid to a slug-looking being with spikes running down its back. I decide to start with the most creature-like beings and figure that the slug is the slowest of them all and will be a relatively easy fight. I select that one to begin with. The slug surges forward, putting that ‘slowest’ theory in its grave, and I dodge, as the slime it exudes begins to make the stony floor hiss and sink, evidently quite acidic. The slug turns its upper body towards me and purses its... mouth? I think that’s a mouth. It purses that and spits acid at me, forcing me to dodge again. I decide I’ve got to play this carefully and turn intangible and run straight for the slug, swinging flaming arms through its body. The slug recoils and squirts more acid around, the material phasing through me. However, it begins to shriek as it shrivels, and it begins to try retreating from me. A quick decision to switch to electricity ends the slug as I charge several hundred amperes into the creature. It shrieks again, then expires, collapsing sideways. I look around, adrenaline pumping, and see that the acid squirts weren’t kept within the circle, a couple of servants and courtiers down on the ground, dead from having vital organs melted away. Nobody seems to be responding except for Twi, Cadence and Pinkie, and the Red Queen, whose grin has only gotten wider, her eyes more energized. “So. That’s one more reward added to the pile. Any other takers?” I offer, presenting myself with open arms. The Queen points at a random courtier, a human in a scarlet suit looking like it’s from the 1800s, who immediately charges into the ring, no weapons or anything, and tries punching me without a word. Surprised at the bold, unarmed attack, I end up taking the punch to my cheek and it hurts my jaw quite a bit, so I retaliate with a punch of my own, this one to my attacker’s gut, followed by a punch in the eye. The man goes reeling back at the punches, and I realize he has no combat training nor experience from the way he’s fighting. Feeling sorry for the man, I go for my vorpal blade, deciding to give him a quick and mostly-painless death. I have a feeling that I’m not exactly allowed to spare anyone here and it’s the least I could do for someone about to die anyways. With the characteristic snicker-snack of its passage through the air, the man’s head falls free of his neck. “Good, good! Now let’s see... you.” The queen points at Pinkie, who begins to slide towards the circle, in spite of having been sitting when she started and visibly fighting the movement as she goes, a terrified look on her face. “Uh, no, I think that’s enough... You already owe me many more pleasures, and a very large favor on top of two more. I wouldn’t want to take all your gifts.” I say, already having lost my appetite from killing that man in cold blood. Faced with the suggestion that I’d have to kill Pinkie, I feel about ready to purge myself of the glorious meal from earlier. “Hmm... I’m not sure, though. You should at least make sure it’s a nice, round three.” The Queen says, Pinkie looks switching between us with terror in her eyes. I think for a moment and come up with a plan. I kneel down to Pinkie. “I have an idea, play along.” I stand up and summon a pair of daggers from my satchel of coal, and get into a battle-ready stance. I’m gonna really have to sell this. When the match starts I run up to Pinkie and whisper a quick “Don’t worry.” To her as I ‘stab’ her, the blades of the daggers disappearing as the weapons are telekinetically held to her sides. She looks confused for a moment before she gets the plan and slumps over as if I had drove a pair of knives into her. Pinkie makes exaggerated ‘dying’ noises, and slumps over. The Queen, thankfully not catching on, nods. “Good. Now we have three more for tomorrow’s breakfast. I knew I’d get to find out how the pink one tastes eventually.” She says, smiling. “Tastes?” I ask, highly disturbed. “You’re gonna eat them? That’s sick!” “What? How so? And besides, you did earlier.” I suddenly think back to the vaguely meaty taste of... well... everything I’ve eaten so far at this castle. I’m suddenly starting to see why the White Queen said the Red is evil. “After all, waste not, want not. Life is a chance to enjoy whatever you want, after all, you just have to be... efficient.” She says. “Okay, no.” I say, helping Pinkie up from the ground. “No.” I repeat. “That’s disgusting. I had no idea what I was eating, you didn’t say it was sapient creatures being eaten, that’s just messed up.” I plan to swallow a gallon of bleach to clear out my insides when I get home. You know, that would be interesting. I’m immune to most toxins thanks to my stellar physiology. Maybe I actually could drink bleach to clean myself out... Either way now is not the time for that. “Well, you should have realized, you know. You have nothing to blame but yourself, Knave.” The Red Queen says, dismissively. She finally looks far enough down her nose to see Pinkie standing up. “Oh, it’s alive! It’ll be fresher in the morning this way, wonderful.” I shake my head and point an accusing finger at her. “That’s it, sicko. You.” The Queen waits a few moments. “Me what, precisely?” I spark up again and make my demand, using my Absolute voice. . The Queen laughs, stepping forward and snapping her fingers. I hear something make a noise like breaking wood in oatmeal, and I nearly black out from pain. Looking down, I see that my left leg is shattered, right in the femur, visible through the flesh and my pant leg. I grit my teeth through the pain and draw the Vorpal Blade, the sword flying at her. Her hand comes up and she calmly snatches it out of the air, before simply crumpling it up and throwing it aside like a paper airplane caught by a ninja. “Such a darling toy, but not really my sort of thing. Now... apologize, and I will give you the favors I promised.” She says. I’m starting to see red, and not just because of the castle’s decor. “I’m... sorry.” I say, my teeth being ground to nubs in pain and fury. I’m not sorry, but as it stands there’s nothing I can do about it right now. I need to wait until later when she doesn’t have omnipotence. “There, see? Now you’re not as wrong as you were before. As my first favor, I forgive you for insulting me. My second favor is to forgive you for insulting me by thinking you could fight me. And third... I will mend your leg.” She reaches out, and meat liquefies from a courtier’s body, tuning into a bloody ball in the Queen’s grasp, which she then applies to my leg. It’s almost as painful being fixed as it was getting broken in the first place. I get up and test my ‘new’ leg once it’s done. It feels really really really weird having it be broken one moment and fixed the next, not to mention it still hurts like a bitch. Speaking of bitches... I return my gaze to the Red Queen. “So, what are the rest of these ‘pleasures’? More slaughter of innocent sapient creatures for our mere amusement?” “Of course not! Now, you choose whatever of my toys you want, and avail yourself of them. If you don’t like crowds, you may use a bedroom. The rest of use will be enjoying ourselves out here.” She says, gesturing at the hall, which is rearranging itself into something more cushioned for... well, I know exactly what they’re for, and I’ll leave it at that. Pinkie and Twilight are hugging under the spread wings of Cadence, who looks angry and protective, and I look at the sea of people other than them, realizing there’s probably no real consent going to be involved for anyone I don’t rescue. But taking everyone ‘for myself’ would likely just result in the Queen inviting herself along. I officially hate Wunderland, at long last. I just gotta think of something, outsmart her again. She’s brutal, but pretty stupid but not that stupid. Idea! I approach the queen. “I would like a private room and... the three pony prisoners.” The girls look very confused and, in Twilight’s case, disgusted. “Oh, three at once! A good start, to be sure. Call for more when you’re ready.” The Queen says. When my request is granted and the ponies and I are alone in a very... well-equipped room, I lock the door and sigh in relief, assured that we won’t be disturbed. “You aren’t seriously going to do this with us are you?” Twilight asks, looking horrified and disgusted, the three of them backing up against a wall. “No! Hell no!” The group lets out sighs of relief. “I got us out of there so you wouldn’t end up on the receiving end of anyone... dubious. I want us to talk gameplan. How we’re gonna get out of here.” “Well, uhm, lack of anything to do tonight aside, that’s a good idea. Let’s get a planning party started, ponies! And human.” Pinkie says, pulling out a table covered in parchment and an inkpot and three quills... already on the table. Eh, I’ve seen weirder shit today. “Yeah. So anyways I was thinking we need to stop this crazy queen, and soon, but she’s impossible to beat here.” “And the chessboard won’t reset until noon tomorrow.” Pinkie volunteers. “Whichever Queen is in power has complete power as long as she’s still on castle grounds or the chessboard, but those border every part of Wunderland, so it’s not an actually useful escape method. Moving an inch either way on the way out can lead you to ending up anywhere.” When I give her an incredulous look about how she knows this, she shrugs. “Granny Pie mentioned she had to escape once, and she told me the story as a beddy-bye story.” “Okay then... so wait, when the next game starts, she’ll be just another piece, right? She can be ‘taken’ then, right?” “But if we join the game, we’d likely be on her side, the side of the Red Queen.” Twilight explains. “If that happened we wouldn’t be able to take her.” I ponder for a bit. I take one of the quills and start writing down what we know. “We have to keep this going until noon tomorrow. And you guys are in serious danger until then. So we need to figure out a way to hide you away safely until the next game starts.” “What if we were sent to the dungeons again?” Cadence asks. “Sure they weren’t very comfortable, but if you tell the queen that we are to be put there until the next game starts...” “We’d be relatively safe there until the queen loses her power and we can’t be kept any more.” Twilight finishes. “Alright.” I say, writing it down. “And I’d also have to stress that none of us end up as part of the game either so that we can all escape.” “But what do we do about breakfast?” Pinkie asks. “Well, and the queen, but breakfast too.” I sigh. “I’ll sneak you guys something before the night is over, something safe to eat. Probably something cheese or bread-based to reduce the chance of it once being alive.” Everyone nods in assent. “As for the queen, I-” I’m cut off by the door being opened despite the lock I put on it and remember what I’m supposed to be doing here. I grab the nearest pony, Pinkie, and basically start shoving my tongue inside her mouth and the Queen asks if everything is to my ‘satisfaction’. I pull my mouth away from Pinkies and stare at the Queen, hoping it was enough. “Uh, yeah, it’s great. Could you just, uh, leave?” She grins. “Of course. I’m a little miffed you got first tastes, but I suppose I can let it slide. Would you like any more in here? I’m sure they’d be able to he~elp~” she sing-songs the last word. “Uh, sure. I’ll send for someone when I’m... finished here.” I return to my game of tonsil-hockey with Pinkie and after a good minute or so the Queen leaves, closing the door. At the sound of the ‘click’ I pull away and take a deep breath, sighing in relief that it worked. “Okay, back to planning.” Pinkie simply lays back on the floor. “Y-yeah, planning...” She says, not getting up yet. Cadence is giving me the wiggly eyebrows of suggestion and I roll my eyes. “I’m just trying to make sure none of you get eaten, okay?” “Well, depends on your definition of ‘eaten’, really.” Cadence says giving a sideways glance, Twilight lighting up like a Hanukkah Bush. Pinkie giggles, her tail flopping across her chest where she can grab it to pull herself up with. I’m not going to question it. Eitherwhats, she’s grinning happily as she approaches the table. “So my plan was that if she’s vulnerable as a piece, and if we aren’t pieces, then we can take her the usual way. Queens are positioned at back row, so we’d have a good opportunity to get behind her and take off her neck with one of our spare Vorpal Blades. Make sure she can’t do this kind of thing again.” “Sure...” Pinkie half slurs. “Whatever you say.” I roll my eyes, and turn to Twilight who is focusing much too hard on what has been written. “You know, I gave up a potential blowjob for saving you guys so start acting like adults and let’s get this done.” “Yeah girls, that’s a big deal. In fact, I wasn’t in any real danger, and I’m  missing out on an orgy. Shiny already gave me permission as long as I make sure to get pictures-” Twilight gives a startled ‘what?!’ That interrupts the princess, looking confused and blushing really hard. “Oh, don’t be a prude, Twilight, we have a healthy relationship that he says I’m allowed to bring others in on.” “Considering we already know that the Queen is a crazy murderer-slash-cannibal I’m just making sure nobody here gets raped or eaten in the not-fun way, alright? Seriously, I could really use a chance to let off some steam right now, but I’m saving you from potential harm instead.” “Well, you could blow off a little steam...” Pinkie says, tracing a circle on the table with her hoof, and Twilight just concentrates and scribbling up ideas with a heavy blush. I pause to think about the offer. “You know what? Fine. The plan isn’t exactly being contested but nobody’s giving any better options either so... End of the planning.” Twilight looks up. “But I’m trying to come up with plans!” She says, holding up a sheaf of papers, some of which include some weird options, and a few of which seem... plausible. Cadence shakes her head. “Sorry, Anthony, I’m just trying to lighten the mood. There’s a time and a place though, and I am sorry.” She says, ears back. I sigh. “No, I’m serious. I’m done. You three are going to the dungeon where you’ll be safe, and I’m going to get a relatively normal girl in here and... yeah.” “You can’t interrupt the game.” Pinkie says, and I turn towards her. “If you try, it turns out... bad. Our best bet is to leave tonight, by asking the Queen to send us early. You have to do something that’ll get a favor from her though.” “Why?” I ask. “She said she would send us to the gate in the morning. Why do I need a favor just to move it up?” “Because if you wait until tomorrow, you won’t be able to stop her from taking me before the power runs out for her. I just don’t know how you’ll get a favor from her, so... I haven’t really been trying.” She says, sounding sad. “But that doesn’t answer my question.” I say, “ Why would I need a favor from her just to get us sent home early?” “Because otherwise, we have no idea where any of us will end up. And if we have to meet up, again, after traversing all of Wunderland, again, I don’t know how many of us will go home. I mean, if I leave, I can get back to Granny Pie’s pretty easy, but the rest of you...” “Okay, I need a favor from her. Any idea how to do that?” Cadence thinks, while Twilight continues to scribble, and Pinkie continues to look forlorn. “Seriously, I can think of one, but it’s not going to be very fun.” Cadence looks up. “What’s your idea?” I hang my head and sigh, leaning back in the chair. “I could choose her to have sex with and I could figure out a way to please her enough to owe me a favor.” Cadence blinks. “I think I might have a better chance of that. I mean... have you actually done anything like that yet, let alone with an nigh-omnipotent shapeshifting psychopath with no moral compass?” “Point taken... and the slight insult is noted.” I glare at Cadence. “Alright then, what’s your ingenious plan to be owed a favor?” “I only have a few pieces in mind so far, and I wasn’t insulting you. I’m the embodiment of Love, and there’s an awful lot of foreplay involved in that. Shining Armor knows that pretty well by now.” Twilight looks like she’s about to combust at the cheeks. “So we’re stuck then.” I say, throwing my arms up. “Well it was nice knowing you all but if we really can’t get out of this mess then I guess it ends here!” “Actually, I think I have a plan.” Twilight says, pushing forward a piece of parchment. “Here, if we use a precise series of shield spells, we can channel ourselves to to the point where we all leave the premises at the same point, and escape that way. No awkward orgies, no ponies as menu items, and we all end up in the same place. Now that I know there’s a Gate nearby, I can use the Compass to lead us directly there.” She says. I decide to go with that plan, it’s the only one that’s fully thought out and all. “Okay, so we just leave? Like, right now?” “Well, there’s a three hour tolerance, and I’ll need to go over the barrier specifics with Cadence. I know I have the precision for it, but we’ll need to test it a few times; she knows a more flexible barrier spell than I use, and I’ll need to learn it for this process, or we’ll be crushed alive between the planes of forces they form.” “Okay, that’s bad.” I say. “But what do we do in the meantime? I don’t know how much longer I can stall the Queen.” She blushes. “W-well, uhm... you did already have a plan, and, well... Pinkie would need to be kept occupied, too.” She says, stammering and blushing harder and harder as she speaks, looking anywhere but at me. “Yeah, I get it. Alright, uh... so how are we gonna, you know, do this?” I’m then struck by an idea that would make this a whole lot less awkward. “Hey, can you turn Pinkie into a human again? Just for a little while?” “Uh, yes. That would actually make the exit easier; I’d do it for Cadence and I, but then we wouldn’t be able to form the barriers. It’ll be easier if we maintain a bipedal posture.” She says. After a moment of waiting, she realizes the context. “Oh, yes, of course.” She then points her horn at me, then Pinkie, and within moments Pinkie is the nude, curvy girl I remember from before. We only cuddle, but the smell of spilled flour and fresh bread is extremely relaxing. Of course, as usual, half my brain is complaining while the other half wants a bit more and it’s honestly really confusing. I end up getting more frustrated than before and it just... I groan out loud. “This isn’t working...” Pinkie sighs, snuggled against me. “Sorry, Anthony... Oh, I know! I can give you a massage to help you relax, okay?” she suggests, looking up with a smile. “It’s basically the same with hooves and hands, right?” “I... guess so. But I’m not as elastic as dough so this will be a bit different from kneading bread...” I warn her, unsure if she has any real experience doing anything more than that. “I know. I’ve practiced, sorta, and Rarity says I’m passable! Which means really good by everypony else’s standards, usually.” “Okay, uh... just... rule still applies. Hands above the waist.” I clarify. She’s a really, really cute girl, and I don’t want this to get any more conflicting. She nods, and gestures for me to take off my shirt, which she promptly dons the moment it’s off of me, and rolls me over before sitting right on my butt. This is just as distracting as her bouncing.