A meteor falls out of the sky with a tremendous CRASH. Applejack and Winona rush to the scene, saving Rarity from some monsters.
Rarity is annoyed. “I need to make it to the Wind Shrine!”
“Woah no way me too!” Pinkie says, appearing from nowhere. “That sounds great!”
“Who are you?” Applejack asks.
“No idea! But I do know I have no memory and that my name is Pinkie Pie. And that I am the source of a lot of meta jokes that will become a lot more serious in nature later on!”
“You make no sense.”
“That’s the point silly. Come on Rarity! Let’s go adventure!”
Rarity follows quickly, and Applejack leaves them for all of five minutes. Then she sighs. “Fine… Let’s go save them.” Winona frowns - she didn’t even ask.
“Griping Griping Griping, Bitching Bitching Bitching, MONSTERS EARTHQUAKES!” Rarity yells, screaming and freaking out.
“Oh fun! Oh wait… Applejack has to save us. Can’t lay the beat down. Why?” Pinkie wails.
Applejack comes form nowhere and defeats the monsters and saves everypony from the earthquake. Then they enter a cake.
“Griping Griping Griping, Bitching Bitching Bitching…” Rarity grumbles, absolutely hating caves.
“Pirate cove!” Pinkie says, grinning. “SHIP STEALING TIME!”
They are on the ship. Applejack frowned. “Ah have no idea how to drive this thing.”
“I do.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Oh cool, can you help?” Pinkie asks.
“I’M A PRINCESS.” Rarity blurts out.
“Good for you.” Rainbow Dash mutters. “Brig now.”
They get tossed in the brig. Five minutes later they’re brought back up.
“Okay so whatever I’ve decided to help you guys.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Wait what?” Applejack spurts. “You don’t even know what we’re doing yet!”
“Plot convenience!” Pinkie Pie says, giggling.
“I AM SPIKE!” Spike roars. “I AM BIG, POWERFUL, AND IMPORTANT TO THE FUNCTION OF THIS PIRATE GROUP!”
“And you’re going to die multiple times!” Pinkie pie says.
“What?”
“Nothing!”
They arrive at the Wind Shrine and battle their way through a bunch of monsters that will become completely obsolete and laughable later. The important pirate Amethyst remains alive. The unimportant one, Seabreeze, dies in a gruesome fate. Deadly birds are deadly.
“Why was the bird so deadly!?” Rarity wails.
“Hey heroes.” Luna says. “Uh, look, this is kinda a recording. Wind Crystal’s dead. So, uh, Wind, Water, Fire, Earth; Laughter, Generosity, Loyalty, Honesty. Yay. You are the Warriors of Light. Save the Crystals. Don’t fudge this up.”
“Mother…” Rarity wails.
<Hey it is I, the laid back and chill Wind Crystal nobody ever gets to see! I’m dead!>
“Nobody cares!” Amethyst yells. “Give them your power!”
<Aw…>
It is now time for the heroes to go to Morphisis.
“Let’s go to Morphisis!” Rainbow Dash yells. “Let’s smash through the canal.”
They are in the canal.
“You know…” Pinkie says. “We have the strong one, the fast one, the non fighter, and the random one. A perfect group!”
“Missing a leader.” Rarity observes
“Applejack can fill the role for now, It’ll be fixed later.” Pinkie giggles.
“KRACKEN ATTACK!” The Kracken Yells.
“OI! I AM DEAD!” Spike yells. “But not really…”
Rainbow Dash cries and goes on a mad rampage. Then the ship just goes adrift for a while before crashing in a ship graveyard.
“Okay this scene is completely pointless since Rainbow Dash isn’t a stallion.” Pinkie says. “TO MORPHISIS.”
“We need to get a dragon to help us…” Applejack says.
“Why?” Rarity questions.
“Because why else would there be a rumor of a dragon in this town!”
Later, on the mountain.
Rainbow Dash frowns. “…Garble?”
“I want to eat you.” Garble responds.
“I know. But I have the power to knock your silly, and I have backup.”
“And I have cakes!” Pinkie says, the bodies of the Cakes on her back.
“MY GOSH PINKIE!” Rarity yells. “WHY ON EARTH-“
“Jokes.” Pinkie says. “Now GAAAAAARBYLE!!!!” She clears her throat. “Take us to your leader.”
“Fine.”
Later, at Spire Hive in Morphisis…
Chrysalis blinks. “Well welcome to my kingdom. What appears to be the problem.”
“We need you to-“ Rarity begins.
“Wait.” Pinkie says. “Why aren’t you speaking in bold?”
Chrysalis sighs. “Formatting issues.”
“Ah.”
“Anyway I will not turn of the Water Tower machine.” Chrysalis says.
“I have a pet manticore!” Minuette yells.
“Good for you dear.” Chrysalis responds. “Just go check on the Water Crystal if you must. We’ve got a meteor to investigate. Don’t blow things up.”
Minutes later.
“THE WATER TOWER IS BLOWING UP AND THE WATER CRYSTAL HAS SHATTERED!” Rarity wails.
Rainbow Dash grunts. “Alright, let’s do this the hard way. Grab those crystal shards and lets go!”
<Please be gentle- ACK I SAID BE GENTLE WITH ME>
“Bye!” Rainbow Dash says, taking everypony out through the tower - but it isn’t enough. They would have drowned had Spike not saved them.
“I die for ‘real’ now.” Spike says. “Sorry about this.”
“WHAT THE FUDGE IS WRONG WITH THE UNIVERSE?” Rainbow Dash yells.
Spike is burning on the ocean. “Mmm… Fried dragon.” Pinkie says.
One space-meteor (totally not a spaceship -wink-) teleport later, they arrive in Solamane.
“Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle!”
“And we’re all sharing a cell!” Rainbow Dash yells. “Nobody cares!”
“You’ll care. I’m about to become your techie and your leader. Also your god-empress.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“I like her.” Pinkie says.
They are released from the cell and head into the fire powered ship to stop it from destroying the Fire Crystal. Also there’s a ‘savage griffon’ around somewhere. They smash their way through the ship and defeat the Nightmare Celestia thing. Celestia dies in the process.
“WHY DO PONIES KEEP DYING?” Rainbow Dash yells, putting her hooves to her head.
“I don’t like how this is boding for nothing.” Rarity says.
Pinkie winces. “Yeeeeah…”
They rush to the Fire Crystal. <Hey, I’m a jerk, and I’m here to make you realize that we Crystals are not worthy of being worshipped! You all suck! Also crap they just turned the machine on to maximum. I WILL USE SELF DESTRUCT ON THESE BASTARDS.>
“Can you… not?” Twilight asks.
<Nope. I’m a jerk.>
“Well great.” Twilight says. “Girls, we need to get out of here.”
One freaky minotaur fight later, they are outside and they absorb some of the fire crystal.
<YOU MESSED IT UP PEGASUS.>
“What? Why did you feel the need to say that!?” Rainbow Dash says, taken aback.
<Because I’m a jerk.>
“To the Earth Crystal, the last remaining hope of the world!” Pinkie yells.
“Nopony knows where it is.” Applejack points out.
“I might.” Lyra says.
“Woah where’d you come from?” Rainbow Dash says.
“Twilight’s daughter. You got me out of a library. I didn’t thank you.” She blinks slowly. Then she slaps Twilight. “You need that.”
“I am suddenly not depressed anymore.”
“AND I REMEMBER THIGNS!” Pinkie says. “WE NEED A MUFFIN BUTTON PRONTO! Oh also i’m from another world and Fluttershy is my daughter.”
“…What?”
“I know right! So weird! Oh and BONUS, we’ve got an evil villain! And we haven’t renamed him from the source material either - EXDEATH!”
“That’s a stupid name.” Rainbow Dash says.
“That’s why the name hasn’t been changed!” Pinkie giggled. “Also because he never got a good character arc in the source but whatever. ONWARDS!”
Nopony will ever know what happened on Crescent island. EVER.
“Okay done with that.” Applejack says. “Twi, what do you have for us?”
“A ship that can cross the desert of shifting sands!”
They crashed into a pyramid that will never be revisited. Ever. Because the story is already long enough as it is. Have you SEEN the final word count? OVER A HUNDRED THOUSAND. I don’t get enough appreciation to include all the scenes…
“You okay?”
Yes Pinkie I’m fine. Anyway so they cross the desert, find a bunch of Crystal Ponies underground, discover the City of Man (much to Lyra’s ECSTASY) and get the Vlerryn!
…Also Luna’s been spotted around, but that’s not important.
“SAAAAAAAAAND!”
“WRONG ABRIDGED SERIES MOTHER!” Rarity yells.
“No seriously, there was, like, a LOT of sand in that desert.”
Rarity and Rainbow Dash have an awkward moment.
“We’re sisters.” Rarity says.
“Screw you.” Rainbow Dash responds, giving her the middle feather.
“My word you are so grumpy about this! Did the Fire Crystal rub off on you?”
“Probably.”
They crash through the City of Man and are fooled by Nightmare Moon into defeating the guardian of the Earth Crystal.
“AHAHAHAHA THE NIGHT! WILL LAST! FORE- Gah stupid body that’s not what I’m trying to do!”
<I am the wise Earth Crystal. And I can safely say - you are all idiotic.>
“HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAH!” Nightmare Moon yells. “DIE!”
<Actually no I’ll upload myself and OH STARS THAT’S PAINFUL!>
“And now I will destroy you all with my true form!” Exdeath says, appearing before them in all his blue armored glory.
“…A HUMAN!” Lyra squees.
“Shut up minty. You found a Bon Bon. Now stay out of the adventure.” Exdeath grunts. “Also those Eidolons you’ve been collecting are totally ancient human warriors.”
“What?”
“Oh right you’ve been glossing over them. How sad. But I’ll have to kill you all now!”
A meteor crashes into the city.
“On second thought I’ll just leave now and avoid crushing defeat by rock.”
Luna manages to stop the meteor with the last of her energy - and dies.
“NOOOOOOOO!” Rarity yells.
“NOOOOOOOO!” Rainbow Dash yells.
“MOTHER!” Fluttershy yells, hopping out of the Meteor. We must return home to face off against Exdeath!”
“Okay! Bye friends! See you soon- er I mean STAY HERE AND PROTECT THE WORLD. Right.”
They vanished in a poof.
There is silence.
<I can send you to the Otherworld.> The Earth Crystal offers.
“You do that.” Twilight says.
CRASH INTO THE OCEAN!
“Oh no.” Rarity says. “I feel a running gag forming. No. Nonononononono.”
“Hey I’m Starlight and I’m not suspicious at all.” Starlight says, before passing out.
“Powerful uber duper magic powers!” Pinkie says.
“I don’t trust her.” Rainbow Dash says.
Hours later…
“SHE’S FREAKING AWESOME!” Rainbow Dash yells.
Everypony gets captured by Exdeath’s gargoyles.
“Hey there maggots.” Sunset grins. “I am Sunset and I’m here to be hammy.”
“I like ham.” Rainbow Dash says.
“You’re more of a headstrong idiot than I am.” Sunset observs. “Awesome.”
“I hate you!” Starlight growls.
“I love you too!” Sunset chuckles.
“Wait are we…?”
“That’s left ambiguous. Frankly I think we’re more like sisters.”
“Ah.”
“Wait what?” Twilight says.
“Nothing!” Starlight and Sunset say, nervously.
“Hey I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m here to break you out!”
“Hey I’m Sunset and I’m here to stop you-“
“DEFINISTRATION ATTACK!”
Sunset blinks. “What the hell’s defini- AUGH WINDOW! FALLING! AAAAAaaaaa…”
“Time to run!” Pinkie yells. “Everypony out! Also high Starlight I’m going to be your best friend!”
“…Why?”
“Because I know you’re going to betray us.”
“…What?”
“Don’t think too hard about it just get all friendly with me. AWAY!”
Exdeath growls. “CAN WE RAISE THE SHIELD YET?”
“Yep!”
“Okay. LAUNCH THE MAGGOTS INTO SPACE.”
KABOOM.
Twilight blinks. “We’re in space now.”
Pinkie shoves Rainbow Dash and Rarity together. “Time to resolve some sisterly issues!”
“I’m a jerk!” Rainbow Dash says.
“I’m needy!” Rarity says.
“PROOOOBLEM SOLVED!” Pinkie grins. “All you had to do was be honest!”
A meteor crashes into them - Fluttershy’s driving it. “Hi mon!”
“Hi Fluttershy! Let’s go home.”
They go home. Rarity hates meteors.
“Time to meet the Warriors of Dawn!” Pinkie says.
“Hey. I’m Gilda. I’m a lovable jackass.”
“Hey. I’m Maud. I might be the most powerful ally you will ever have besides the spirit of chaos. And maybe Limestone, but her powers aren’t fully explored.”
“Also our fourth member was your mom Applejack.” Pinkie says.
“WHAT?” Rainbow Dash shouts. “Your mother was Daring Do?”
“Woah. Didn’t know that.” Applejack says.
“Time for us to lay siege to Exdeath’s barrier.” Maud says. “I am coming along. Gilda’s in charge.”
The attack on the barrier goes well. Until the end.
~TRANSDIEMENSIONAL MONSTER NOISES~
Maud frowns. “I have to give myself up to defeat this thing. Forgive me.”
“SONIC RAINBOOM!” Rainbow Dash yells.
Maud still dies.
Pinkie begins her freak out. “I can’t change anything! NOOOOOOOOO!”
“Huh.” Applejack says. “Was she the last one to lose it?”
“No, you get to lose it later.” Twilight says.
“Aw crap.”
“Let’s go talk to Discord!” Fluttershy says. They do so.
“I’m funny.” He says.
Marble mutters something about abridged Discord sucking.
“Now. Go to Everfree. Find Exdeath. Stop him from destroying Life Crystal.”
“You have Crystals too?” Twilight says, surprised.
“Divergence from source material.” Pinkie offers. “Let’s go on one final adventure!”
“…The final battle is coming?” Starlight asks.
“Oh no don’t be silly! Just… the end of some stuff. Come along Fluttershy, let’s have the full gang here for one trek!”
In the forest, Pinkie leans into Starlight. “Now I know you’re considering not betraying us but you really need to. Just do it.”
“What-“
“Oh and have this necklace.” Pinkie smiles. “It’s going to be important later.”
Starlight sighs, and casts the illusion. The Warriors of Light break the seals on the Life Crystal and Exdeath destroys it. “Ha! I’m so evil and dastardly. I totally used you to weaken that which gives you power.”
“That’ll bite you later.” Pinkie says.
“Excuse me what? Starlight, leave, daddy needs to punch some sense into some ponies.”
“Yes sir.” Starlight says, slinking away, ashamed.
“Now, time for fun. I’ve trapped you all and… Oh look a little buttery pegasus.” He kicks her. “Like kicking the dog-“
“THAT’S IT! YOU DIE TODAY!” Pinkie says. What follows is perhaps the most epic battle of all time - with the most epic battle music - Pinkie cuts loose and unleashes the wrath of the fourth upon Exdeath, grinding him into defeat and giving him an epiphany of truth. She dies in the process though, passing on the summons to Fluttershy before fading…
“NOOOOOOOOO!” Fluttershy says.
<Hey, Life Crystal here. Become my essence Fluttershy before I fade completely…>
“O… Okay.”
“TIME TO ATTACK EXDEATH DIRECTLY!” Rainbow Dash says.
“Actually no time to go through his castle of illusions first.” Twilight says. She pokes the wall of Exdeath’s castle. “I can’t dispel the illusion…”
Far away, Marble sacrifices Gilda to some dark power to unlock the secrets of the castle.
Rarity screams. “BY THE STARS THIS IS DISGUSTING.”
“Fleshy.” Applejack agreed. “Well now it’s time for Exdeath-“
“Nope!” Sunset says. “Time for the greatest show on Earth!”
“I am suffering extreme emotional turmoil.” Starlight says.
“Pfft.” Sunset says. “Just fight them and hit the music. IIIIIIIIIT’S SHOWTIME!”
Sunset and Starlight are eventually worn down, but they fuse into Sunlight. At this point Pinkie’s Necklace decides to make a shipping joke that’s pretty funny and was probably planned WAY too far in advance. This causes them to split, and Starlight to break down. They eventually agree to betray Exdeath.
…Who promptly sucks them into an Interdimensional Being that should have vaporized them. (But didn’t, though who cares about that right now?)
“Hey.” Exdeath says. “I’ve gone through an Epiphany.”
“You know what you’re doing is wrong?” Twilight says, hopefully.
“Oh yes but I knew that from the start.” He growls. “I just realized the meta nature of this whole story and it angers me to no end.”
“What in tarnation is meta?” Applejack asks.
“No need for you heroes to know. You’re about to die- wait. Heroes. I’m the villain. But this isn’t the climax… …I’m new to this give me a second to figure it out…”
“Hey. Hit me.” Rarity says.
“OKAY THEN GIGAFLARE!”
“Reflect.”
“Damn you.” Exdeath growls, crawling into his main chamber. “AETHER CRYSTAL!”
<What? I’m an evil greater scope villain mastermind, what are you->
“I’m going to betray you before you get your chance to shine.”
<…And I’ll create a new hero for you to deal with out of spite.>
“Fair enough. Power please. Thank you.”
<I hate it when you’re polite. Twilight Sparkle, kill him.>
KABOOM.
The Warriors of Light appear outside Trotton, for some inexplicable reason.
“Hey look i’m home!” Rarity says.
“And hey look I’m her sister!” Rainbow Dash says.
“PRINCESS TIME!” Rarity emphasizes.
“Oh crap.” Rainbow Dash pales.
Later that night, Twilight is looking at the moon.
“…That’s not our moon.”
“Obviously the worlds have collided.” Fluttershy said.
“I DETECT MAGIC BEACON!” Twilight says, spreading her wings and destroying the balcony. “Oops. Still not used to these things.”
“Hello it’s me Discord, I was calling you.” Discord blinks. “And Marble’s here too.”
“AHHAHHAH I’m back!” Exdeath says. “And my plans are coming to fruition!”
“I’m just as powerful as you.” Discord says.
“Darnit. And there was this whole splinter thing-“
“Um.” Flutters speaks up. “Actually we didn’t comment on that.”
“SONIC RAINBOOM!” Rainbow Dash yells. “Hey guys, am I late?”
“I think these events are happening a little out of order…” Applejack mutters…
Exdeath growls. “Fine. FACE THE VOID MARES! WATCH AS YOUR HOME IS DEVOURED!”
Rarity looks down at the Void Sphere. “My word that’s terrifying.”
The City of Man appears in the sky and saves everyone.
“Deus Ex Machistupid.” Exdeath mutters from the Void.
“OKAY GUYS!” Lyra says. “We’ve gotta collect armies and weapons to fight Exdeath! Can we do that?”
<It will take some work… Gather the armies and collect the legends… And we don’t know how to take control of the Void once were done…> The Earth Crystal speaks.
“Done.” Twilight says. “Also we now know where to get control of the void. Time to go do the bonus dungeon before the end of the game because it would be awkward to do it AFTER the final confrontation.”
“THIS PLACE MAKES NO SENSE!!!” Applejack yells.
“Hiiiiiiiiiiii.” Starswirl says. “Do you like my Void?”
“No.” Fluttershy says.
“Do you like my ‘son’ here?”
“No.” Discord sais.
“But… You ARE him!”
“So?”
“Nevernimd. I’m completely insane and delusional. I’m not helping you save the world.”
“Yes you are.” Twilight says. “Let’s test some new powers me and Fluttershy got to play catch up.”
“Darn you.”
“Also we’re not actually coming back.” Twilight says. “We decided you’d be too dangerous outside.”
“No hard feelings.”
“Time to go attack Exdeath directly!” Applejack says. Then pauses. "NOOOOOOOO! MY FAMILY!"
She and Rainbow Dash have a big long fight while Exdeath's podium produces a "LOSE IT: BINGO!"
Later Rainbow Dash grins. “Boss Rush time!”
Dozens of boss fights later…
“I AM MIDNIGHT SPARKLE AND I AM HERE FOR LORE AND EXPOSITION!”
Rainbow Dash blinks. “That was what the Fal’cie was for though…”
“SCREW YOU I’M AWESOME! AHAHAHAHAA- Oh crap.”
>OMEGA.
>I AM OMEGA.
>I AM THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN THIS STORY.
“What-“ Fluttershy began.
>YOU DO NOT EXIST.
“Who are you talking to?” Twilight asks.
>EXACTLY.
Rarity whimpers. “Why am I alone?”
>BECAUSE ME.
“I REWIND YOU!”
>FUDGE. YOU HAVE WON FOR NOW. BUT I AM NEVER TRULY DEFEATED. I WILL RETURN.
Midnight laughs. “I’m back! And now you have to deal with me- Oh fudge.”
Sunset and Starlight grin. “Hello bitch.” Sunset says. “Now we need to be here so we can become the Chekov’s Gun. I think. That is how this works right?”
Starlight shrugs. “We just need to sacrifice ourselves so YEAH!”
Midnight blinks. “Fudge.”
DESTRUCTION OF FINAL SUPERBOSS!
Exdeath should be easy now. You know, if he didn’t suddenly understand that he was in a fictional world and what exactly that means.
Yeah Pinkie says sorry.
Exdeath reveals his true form - no it’s not a tree that’s stupid! It’s the Nightmare Forces… Or Tantabus… Or whatever. “Fight me.” Exdeath says.
“Okay.”
“I LAUNCH ATTACKS FROM OTHER FRANCHISES AT YOU!” Exdeath roars. “I can be relevant too.”
“Screw you.” The armies of the City of Man say, smashing him into submission.
“Fudge this. Breaking your multi-res Phoenix.”
“YOU SUMMON THE SPIRITS OF THE WARRIORS OF DAWN!!! OOOOOOOOOO!” Pinkie says.
“…Fudge this, you have a plan, and I know it. I’m not letting you finish. I’m smart.” He enters the crack in reality.
“WE MUST FOLLOW HIM!” Pinkie says. “THE FINAL CONFRONATION IS BEHELD BY ALL SIX OF US!”
“Welcome to this Source.” Exdeath says. “We shall sift between dimensions and realities all the while staying inside the Source with the power to go anywhere. I am going to rewrite this story.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
Exdeath wins.
“What was that?”
“That was non-abridged you typing.” Pinkie says.
Exdeath twitches. “Great. This is impossible. Time to just torture the entirety of reality.”
“Yeah no.” Twilight says. “The six of us will stop you for eternity.”
“THEN I SHALL BORE YOU TO DEATH!”
…
“Figured out how to beat him.” Twilight says. “Say your elements!”
The Warriors of Light say their elements, and hit Exdeath with a rainbow.
“What was that supposed to do?” Exdeath asks.
“No idea.” Twilight says. “I was just trying to get their attention.”
“Who-“
“Hi boss.” Starlight and Sunset say. “Time for us to break the seals around the Void in you.”
“What the- oh crap karma. Damn. Well, I expected this. TIME TO GO OUT LAUGHING OMINOUSLY! AAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!”
Twilight kills him. “Screw you.”
“I think he just revenge killed us.” Starlight says.
Pinkie giggles. “Have fun touring the cosmos! Bye!”
“Okay…” Sunset says. “Hey Applejack, can I-“
“Don’t even ask you’ll just be cut off just before you finish.” Applejack says.
“…Can I have your-“
And then they were gone.
Pinkie giggles. “Well, I gotta die again. Rebuild the world for me will you?”
<We can’t rebuild the world.> Tochi says. <Also I named myself. Fun.>
“We named you.” Twilight says. “Well, tell Rainbow Dash and Rarity to get out of their restaurant, we need to complete this running gag with another crash.”
<What?>
“Let’s find a new home.”
THE END
CREDITS
Post credits:
“-Sword.” Sunset growled.
“You should have listened to her.” Starlight says.
“Hey there.” Gilgamesh says. “Time for me to mess with you.”
“Wha-“
“GO PLAY WITH SHARKS KAY BYE!”
THE END
REALLY
GO HOME
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