//------------------------------//
// Chapter 9 - Hollandaise 
// Story: Sensation (SFW Version) 
// by Vivid Syntax 
//------------------------------//

I turned my head halfway toward Hollandaise only to turn it back a moment later. My eyes never strayed from the seat across from me. I guess I'd hoped Braeburn would suddenly show up if I wished hard enough. 

Hollandaise asked again. She sounded more than a little concerned, but it might have just been her accent. I don't have to tell you who it reminded me of. "Not much of an appetite today, Soarin'? I can box the rest up for you if you like."

My neck was locked in place. "Oh, uh, yeah. I'm done." I had to consciously tell myself to face her. "No box, please."

Her lower lip stuck out, and she cocked her head to the side. "Well, okie-doke. If..." She paused. I saw her tongue roll around in her cheek. "I'll get your check. It's the same as always." She quickly cleaned up the table and walked back to the kitchen.

'Same as always,' I thought. I took in a slow, deep breath, the kind the medical ponies have us take during physical exams, and let it out through my mouth. A paper napkin fluttered out of the dispenser and off the edge of the table.

I need things. I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I need things, just like everypony else. Sometimes it's a warm body, sometimes it's knowing I'm the best, and sometimes it's lunch. I'm not high maintenance or anything, but I need things.

And as much as I loved adventure, I needed routine. The shows, the travel, the new ponies – they kept everything fresh, but I never had to worry about any of them. Somepony somewhere took care of all the planning, and I got to focus on what I wanted. Yeah, I snuck out of practice sometimes or partied later than I should have, but I could always fall back into the pattern: meetings, practice, shows, meetings, practice, shows, right hoof, left hoof, one-two-three-four. I was dreading life without that routine. It almost felt like I would be out of sync with myself without the Wonderbolts, but between Sunburst and Cobalt Breeze and the familiar restaurant, it seemed like everything would be okay. It seemed like maybe I wasn't as far out of my routine as I thought.

...which is why the next part sucked so hard.

I reached for my saddlebag again and dug out my coin satchel. I needed eight bits, same as always. Yeah, it's a little expensive for a small meal, but that's with a nice tip included, and the food was worth it. I dumped my satchel out onto the table. My bits fell out, clanging onto the hard surface a lot more quietly than I had thought they would. 

I glanced at the coins. Five bits. I drew in a sharp breath and counted them again. Five bits. My eyes darted around the table. I crumpled the satchel in my hooves, but there weren't any more coins stuck in the folds. I looked under the table: nothing but gum. I shoved my face in my saddlebag and let out a flurry of quick swears. There wasn't any money in my bag. I had five bits.

'That's enough, though, right?' My brain was grasping for a memory of how much the meal actually cost. 'No, not with a tip, at least. Buck, how much was it?' I whipped my neck around and searched for a chalkboard or something with the wrap and shake on it, but they only had the daily specials. 'Stupid orange almond salad.' I gnawed on the inside of my cheek and drummed the table. 'How am I light!?' I screamed in my head. 'I'm never light! I always pick up my check and cash it on–' 

Monday is payday. "...BUCK!" 

I looked back at the less-than-sufficient payment. 'What's Holli gonna say?' I thought about being one of those customers that orders a big meal and can't pay, and I had a vision of Holli avoiding me the next time I came in. Pressure built up in my chest. My leg muscles clenched and twitched, my teeth ground into each other, and I sneered at the small pile. I snorted and raised a hoof, ready to slap them all away. I was mad enough to tear the place apart.

Aaaaand I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't get angry again that day. It had all drained out of me. To let out a little bit of steam, my hoof slammed into the table, followed closely by my forehead. "Damn it." I sighed and knocked my forehead against the table again, loud enough to cause a small echo. "...Damn it." With a sigh, I lifted my head and set my chin back down on the table, staring at the bits. My words felt heavy, and I practically had to push them out of my mouth. "You just couldn't give me a break today, could you?" The bits didn't say anything. My muscles went slack, and my wings drooped. I frowned, and having my neck stretched out that way made me sound like I had a speech impediment. "Of course you couldn't."

My stomach twisted up again, and my eyes felt heavy. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up back in the real world, back where I was a Wonderbolt.

But I was stuck. Part of me started to worry about what I'd do for cash if I got permanently cut from the team – I had some money saved up, but I'm not exactly a frugal pony – but I couldn't muster the energy to care. That hole in my chest came back.

"What's wrong, Sugar?" Holli appeared and sat down across from me. I stared blankly at her, my chin still resting on the table while she waited for me to react. Her expression went from warm and friendly to blank confusion as the silence got longer and longer. I was probably giving her the same look.

I felt paralyzed, and my heart sank when I realized I'd have to tell her. I hadn't been light in years. I told myself it was just a mistake, but why did it have to happen right then? My eyes flickered over to the bits.

Hers did, too. She raised an eyebrow, paused, and then chuckled. Her voice was tender but firm. "Soarin', it's alright. I know you're good for it." She leaned over and counted the bits again. "Besides, it looks like you've got enough. The bill's only five." The sunlight hit her face, making her look as bright and cheerful as she sounded.

Like everything else, she reminded me of Braeburn. Holli was sweet, gentle, and really, really pretty. I mean, Braeburn wasn't pretty, but he... kinda was? Stallion-pretty. I'm going with that. He and Holli were there to help. They could both push my buttons, but Braeburn had that mystique about him that wouldn't let me push him out of my mind. 

"I..." My head lolled to the side. The cool surface felt good on my cheek. "I don't have enough for a tip."

Holli giggled. I was the second cutest thing I'd ever heard. "Sugar, it's fine!" She leaned in closer and purred, "But if you want to give me the tip, I'm finished after the lunch shift."

"I don't know if I–" It took a second to hit me. "Wait... OH!" My eyes opened wide, and I sat straight up, wings at full attention. My heart fluttered. "Yeah," I nodded. I tried to give her a quick, sexy comeback, but all she got was a grin and a low, "Yeeeeaaaah."

She stood up from the booth. "Well alright, then! I just need to clean up a few more tables and run some numbers. You okay hanging out right here for a spell?" I didn't get to answer, because she ducked in and kissed my nose.

"Hey!" A loud, gruff voice boomed from somewhere behind me. "No gettin' fresh wid da customuhs!"

"Eh," Hollandaise sighed as she trotted out of sight. "But boss!" She put on her sweetest, most sarcastic voice. "We always keep it fresh here at Bad Sun Rising!"

I ended up waiting there for another hour. Holli brought me some pie ("On the house!") to pass the time. Apple. It was good, I guess, and satisfying in its own right. Heck, it was probably the best pie in Cloudsdale, but I couldn't bring myself to finish it. My fork hit the plate with a soft clink, and I stared at the half-eaten dessert. "Heh." I nudged the plate away. "He's ruined me for other pie."

Holli came back and cleared her throat to get my attention. "Ready to go, Sugar?" She wore an off-white scarf that somehow didn't clash with her cream-colored coat and yellow mane. I saw her wings twitch a few times, and I knew she was just as excited to forget her problems for a while as I was.

"Hell yes!" The bell on the door rang out as we dashed outside and took to the air. Once we'd gotten our bearings, we slowed to a more leisurely pace. The mid-afternoon air was warm and comfy, and the breeze was in our favor.

Of course, once we'd gotten out of the city center and could hear each other speak, the conversation took a turn down Awkward Street. She turned her head while we flapped along, and the look in her eyes told me what was coming. Her words punched me in the gut before she even said them. "So, did your boss give you the day off? I don't usually see you on Monday mornings."

I almost snorted at her, but I just ground my teeth instead. Holli was observant; it was part of what made her a good waitress. Of course she'd ask that. I looked over at her, catching myself wishing her eyes were green instead of blue, and I lied. "Uh, yeah! We had a private gig over the weekend, so we're getting off easy today." Pun totally intended.

"That must be nice. I wish I'd get days off like that." Her voice trailed off. I never knew how to react when somepony got jealous of my job, so I didn't say anything. Her confidence came surging back as she said, "When I open my own restaurant, everypony will get days off for doing a good job." She smiled brightly.

"Yeah. Why haven't you done that yet? You're the best waitress at Bad Sun, and I know you can cook."

"Hm? Oh, I'll get around to it one of these days." She'd been saying that for Celestia knows how long, and it drove me nuts. Hollandaise was sweet, yeah, but she never had the drive to do great things. She was perfectly content just being mediocre and throwing away her natural talent because she didn't like pushing herself, didn't like taking a risk. If she'd ever gone for it, I probably would have asked her out. Like, for real.

We didn't say anything as we landed outside my front door. No need. Why spoil a great moment like that? That electricity starts building in the air, and your body finally catches up to what your brain already knows. Your nerves buzz. Your heart starts racing. Your thoughts turn towards the sexy mare you're about to get it on with, and you start planning all of ways you're going to make her moan.

I opened the door and flashed her a cocky smirk. "You ready for the blue plate special, my dear?" Oh, yeah. The ladies love me.

Hollandaise half-shut her eyes and trotted into my condo. Her voice took on a husky, sensual tone. "I know you've already had your pie, Sugar, but maybe you'd like something a little sweeter?"

I followed inside and shut the door behind us. "Dunno. Guess I'll have to take a good look at the menu." We were both holding back giggles. I love stupid, playful porn talk. Nopony seriously talks like that, but the sheer ridiculousness of it helps cut the tension. 

Plus, you know, it's a liiiiittle sexy.

Holli stopped in front of me, swished her tail, and rocked her hips back and forth. I got a good look at her. All of her. She was ready. "If you take too long, I might need to find another customer, and I'd hate for you to miss out. I'm absolutely yummy."

Something about her word choice irked me, but I was too horny to care. I liked watching her move around. Holli had been over a few times before, and it eased my mind to be with somepony who was totally relaxed, somepony with experience that I already had a rapport with. She moved towards the parlor? with confidence. She knew she had me wrapped around her hoof. "I'll get the shades. Start on the couch?"

"Sure!" My wings popped out as I followed her. I figured we'd get some foreplay on the couch before I'd lay into her with some oral, then up to my room for the main event. I'd completely forgotten about–

"What the buck happened here!?" She stopped in her tracks, and my face bumped into her backside, which wasn't too unpleasant, but it distracted me from what she was saying. "What is this?" She quickly looked all around and then back to me. Her lips quivered and she whispered, "Soarin', were you robbed?"

That threw me. Different thoughts had to wrestle for control: concern for my stuff, calming my friend down, and getting some. "Nnnnno?" She stared at me, mouth agape in an expression somewhere between concern and alarm at how calm I was, so I just waved a hoof, smiled, and talked around the issue. "Hey, don't worry about it. I've had a rough morning."

Her eyes went wide, and she shrunk away from me a bit. "You... you did this?" My blood went cold, and I thought about reaching out to touch her. Thank Luna I didn't. Can you imagine? My head sank, and I must have started frowning. The fear in her voice melted to concern. "What's wrong?"

I looked away and mindlessly pawed at the floor. "I'd... rather not... say." It hit me that I was totally killing the mood, so I perked back up, puffed out my chest, and cocked an eyebrow. "We can still wreck the bedroom, though. It'll look even worse than the parlor when we're done." I gave her a wink.

She turned her body to face me. Her face was stoic and expressionless, and her words were measured. "If... if you want to talk instead, we can." 

Ugh! I really didn't want to go down that road. It was bad enough that the Sunburst and Cobalt had me itching for a pony to cuddle. I seethed to myself, 'Why can't it just be easy for once?'

But no, I had to work for it. "Well, I did want to talk about..." Holli leaned in. I didn't like repeating one-liners, but you gotta do what you gotta do. "...that hideous scarf you're wearing."

"Excuse me?" Her eyes filled with fire, but I played it cool.

"Yeah, it looks terrible. You should probably take it off." She flushed, but more with embarrassment than with anger. "Ya' know, sloooowly."

She rolled her eyes, but her shoulders relaxed, and she smiled and gracefully turned her head. It took some effort, but I focused and brought myself back to our little game. I don't usually play it slow, but I love it when others do it to me. She bent her neck and took part of her scarf in her teeth. Her eyes darted back to me for just a second, and I got a quick raise of her eyebrows. She pulled on the silky fabric that hugged her neck, and it began sliding sensually across her back. The scarf slowly unknotted itself, barely clinging to her coat, and as she dropped it from her teeth, gravity undressed her the rest of the way. Hollandaise crossed one foreleg over the other and tilted her head. She bit her lower lip, looking like a starlet that was toying with a fan.

It was getting the job done. I felt the heat building in my face, and I was getting hard very, very quickly. My chest swelled, my wings were tense, and I started grunting. My eyebrows furrowed, and I gave her an appreciative nod while a wicked smile crept across my face. My rear leg twitched. I stomped in approval. Couldn't help it. I think all guys get that feeling when they're about to get down – you want to just jump in and go for it, but dude, is it ever sweet when you can draw it out.

I don't have much patience, though. I leapt over, grabbed Holli by the hoof (which made her squeal a little) and led her upstairs. Running while holding onto her was impossibly awkward, but I tried. My legs fumbled as I raced up the stairs, beautiful mare in tow and a large, stupid smile on my face. Life was about to get awesome.

Holli chuckled. "My, my, Sugar. I don't think I've ever met a stallion as excitable as you."

I swear I heard something crack in my brain, like lightning was striking inside my skull. Braeburn had said the exact same thing when I was eating his pie. I stopped cold on the steps, spun around to look at her, and for a second, I thought I saw Braeburn smiling up at me. There was a pang in my chest.

I shook off the thoughts. "Baby, we're not even to the main course!" 

I let go of her hoof when we got to the top of the stairs. We trotted down the hallway, past the trippy art and pictures of me with other celebrities, to the big blue door at the end. It opened easily with a slight creak (that's how you know it's real wood) and I gave her a quick nod. "After you, m'lady." She stepped past me, raising her tail so that it brushed under my chin. My mind buzzed, and I took in a sharp breath as my goofy smile returned.

Holli wandered around the room. "Hasn't changed much," she said softly.

I didn't respond. Her little teasing maneuver had pushed me past the brink of self-control. I growled. 

That got her attention. "You've got that look in your eye." She gave the air a little kiss. "So I guess you're ready to give me the ti–"

I dashed forward, planting my lips on hers and closing my eyes. I sucked and growled, taking her lower lip into my mouth. She moaned, long and low, and her body sank an inch or two. Knees must have gone weak. I growled again, and she giggled, pulling away from our kiss. She was already breathing hard. Her breath caressed my face, and it smelled like rosewater.

I hesitated. My stallionhood was rock hard, and my blood raged through me, feeling different, hotter. I was full of raw, primal lust. My body wanted to be next to hers, on top of hers, wherever. Any position I could feel her soft, warm body against mine would work as long as I could stick it in her. But I hesitated.

The hole in my chest was still there. I tried to ignore it. I told myself, 'No, this is what I want. Holli's damn sexy, and I'm not letting one bad fling keep me off my game!' I shook off my doubts and smirked at her. My voice became low, gravely, and savage. "On your back."

Holli didn't say a word. She stared me down for a second, then reared up and let herself fall backwards towards my bed. Her body was amazing. It curved in all the right places, like a glass figurine you'd see in a museum. She wasn't cold or rigid, though, just warm and supple and holy cow did I want her. She landed on the bed with a soft puff, wings spread out and legs open, just like a model in one of those magazines. You know the ones.

I couldn't wait any longer. I lowered my head and crept forward, smoothly putting one forehoof and then the other onto the bed. My body stayed low, like a sexy predator, and I slithered onto the mattress. She kept her eyes on me, and I kept mine on her, even as I started kissing her rear leg. I suckled on her soft skin, leaving a matted coat wherever my mouth had been. She threw her head back and moaned when I nipped at her hip. I dragged my body against hers, feeling her warmth radiate into me, until we were face to face.

Holli didn't want to waste any time either. She wrapped a foreleg around my neck and pulled me into another kiss, deep and heavy. Our tongues swirled together, and our bodies were lined up perfectly, but now that she wanted to go fast, I felt like teasing her more. My hips rotated forward, just a little, just enough to give her a taste. Electricity shot from my stallionhood up my spine and into my head. I was dizzy, but not too dizzy to keep prodding her for as long as she kept our lips locked.

After a couple minutes, she broke our kiss and pressed her forehead against mine. "What are you waiting for, Sugar? An invitation?" My chest rested on hers, and I could feel a strong heartbeat.

I was panting. "What's... what good's a meal... without an appetizer?"

She stifled a laugh. "Okay. I'm not gonna stop you, but that was a bit much."

"Meh. They can't all be good." I nibbled her ear for a few seconds, which earned me a gasp and a nuzzle on the cheek. I pushed my head into her neck and felt that soft golden mane on my face. For a second, I felt at peace, but I caught myself wishing it smelled less like a diner and more like an apple orchard.

'Nope!' I practically screamed in my own head. 'Stay focused, Soarin'!' I slunk backwards, running my tongue against her body in all the right places. My lips explored her warm belly. It felt like a pillow that I could have fallen asleep on if I hadn't been so wound up. It rose and fell with her steady, deep breathing.

My breath, on the other hoof, was heavy and labored, and my throat felt tight. I kept kissing harder and faster, trying to push thoughts of a certain stallion out of my mind, trying to forget that I'd hurt somepony so badly and that he was, in a weird way, getting his revenge by making me want him at that exact moment.

My head moved lower, and I reached my destination. I think I actually sighed in relief when I found a slit instead of a cock. 'Yeah, babe. Thaaaat's beautiful.' I leaned in and went to town.

She shuddered. "Mmm... Soarin'..." She tensed and rolled a little, rubbing her back into the soft bed while I kept up the pace. I took a break and blew a soft breath on her stomach and her more sensitive areas, and she relaxed, just in time for me to grab her legs and dive in again. Between the pheromones and her squealing, I was finally able to shut everything else out of my brain.

I wanted more. I worked her over harder. Faster. I gripped her legs tighter while I ground my hips into the bed. The smells and the sounds and the softness had me reeling. From her short gasps and the way she pawed at the sheets, it seemed like she was enjoying herself, too. I caught a small kick to the head at one point. It hurt and made me a little dizzy, but I was too far gone to notice.

My head was swimming, and my thoughts were a jumbled mix of nonsense. My only lucid thoughts came after we'd been at it a few minutes. 'Buuuuuck, this is nice. Gonna make her squeal, and I'll totally get head after this, too.' My face brushed against her inner hind leg. 'If she just had some thicker legs, this'd be perfect.' I kept going, and my brain kept racing forward without a pilot. 'And I love the way she calls me 'Sugar.' It's got a nice twang to it. She'd look good in a cowpony hat. It'd look amazing with those green eyes of his.'

I froze.


* * * * * 


"Aargh!" Soarin' sits in his chair with his forehead on the kitchen table, his nose pressed to his chest. His withered forelegs are laid out in front of him on the wooden surface.

Well, this is getting bizarre. Instinctively, just to give myself something to do, I pick up my quill start jotting down some notes, but the scratching noises on the paper send his ears flicking my way. I stop and set the quill back down. 

Silence hangs in the air. At least he hasn't noticed that I'm half hard. Thank goodness for kitchen tables.

He makes a noise that's somewhere between a sob and a chuckle. A sockle? I need to strain to understand his muffled speech. "Do you have any idea how weird it is to realize you're eating out a mare and thinking about a stallion?"

"Um..."

Suddenly, his head snaps up, his eyes shoot wide open at me, and he slams the table with both hooves before shouting, "It's freaking weird!" and collapsing backwards into his chair. His mouth hangs open and he stares at the ceiling. That can't be comfortable for his neck.

I wait. He doesn't move, but he makes that noise again. A chob?

This isn't going anywhere. I need to ask him something... something to snap him out of whatever head space he's in. "Did she notice?"

He takes a deep breath, shakes out his mane, and nickers. "She did."


* * * * * 


"Something wrong, Sugar?"

I looked up at her with a wet face and a million excuses in my head. "I'm... just not feeling it right now."

She pondered that for a second. After seeing my parlor, she probably didn't want to set me off. "That's okay. Do you... do you wanna stop?"

I sighed. All the color was gone from my voice. "Nah. Flip over."


* * * * * 


Soarin' slumps forward and stretches his back. He stares at the notepad on the table with a flat expression. "Listen, do I have to..." He doesn't finish.

I speak softly. "Only as much as you want." Well, no, I need you to finish your story, but you can gloss over this part. Here, I'll help. "It sounds like you couldn't stop thinking about Braeburn."

He takes a moment before continuing, and his voice is as matter-of-fact as his expression. "Basically, I gave in." He runs a hoof through his mane. "I was mounting a hot mare, but I gave in and fantasized about Braeburn the whole time. I stroked Holli's mane and remembered the way Brae's fell across his face. I felt up her butt and imagined it was his, and when I looked down, I pretended the pony below me had a butter-yellow back. I ignored her moans and replaced them with the soft, low grunts he'd made when he was pulling me in the cart." Soarin' looks down, and a small smile spreads across his face. "And it was wonderful."


* * * * * 


I loved it. I loved it so much I started drooling. All the tension I was feeling melted away, and my mind felt clear and unburdened. I was okay. Everything was okay.

Thinking about Braeburn got me over the edge pretty quickly. I pulled out right at the end and, with a few strokes, finished on her back. I didn't realize that I'd been moaning, and at the time, I had no idea what it had been.

Holli gave me a moment, but she crawled out from under me before I had caught my breath. Her voice shattered my fantasy, especially since it sounded so stilted. "I'm going to go get cleaned up." She didn't turn to face me at all.

I managed to respond through my panting and turned halfway toward her. "Aw, c'mon. That's a good look for you."

She walked away to the bathroom, and I collapsed onto my stomach with my face toward my mirrored closet. I looked tired: there were bags under my eyes, my mane was a mess (even for me), and my whole body had this defeated look to it. I spread my wings out behind me and pretended to fly, like I always did in my room when I was down, but remembering what had happened that morning with the Wonderbolts made me snap them back to my sides. I didn't look like me. With my lust sated, all I had left was a shell of a pony with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

The room was still, and it was quiet.

I kept staring at the old-looking pony in the mirror, even as Hollandaise fluttered into the room a few minutes later and lay down next to me. The mare in the mirror cocked her head to the side and examined me for a few seconds before she finally spoke up. "So... who's Braeburn?"

Honestly, I wasn't surprised I'd moaned the wrong name when I'd cum, but I still felt bad about it. At least, I felt as bad as I could manage, which wasn't very much at that point. "Long story."

She leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder. We looked at each other in the mirror. "Bad breakup?"

"Sort of. I bucked up. We met, we chatted, we clicked. It got heavy, and I pushed too hard." It seemed so small and simple when I phrased it like that, but remembering that day dug into me like a knife.

"That's too bad." Her voice was supportive. "You seem depressed lately. Sounds like you needed something he didn't want to give."

I rolled my eyes but otherwise stayed motionless. "Holli, I appreciate what you do for me. I really do, but no, I don't need anypony."

"Sugar, everypony nee–"

"I don't!" I barked in her direction. She jumped a little, so I settled down and went back to watching myself age. "Sorry. You're great, but I've learned that you can't rely on other ponies." I felt smug for being so worldly and jaded.

Her words sounded guilty, and she patted my shoulder. "Not everypony is like that, you know. Not flaky, I mean." 

I gave her a vile laugh. "Ha! Not everypony. Just the ones you care about." I pushed a thought about a light blue pegasus mare out of my mind. My blood started boiling again, but not out of desire. 

She snapped back, "Now you know that isn't true!"

"Yes. It. Is." My voice was rising. "I can't tell you how many ponies have walked away from me, ponies I cared about. It happens every time." I glowered at my reflection. "Yeah, you love them. You rely on them. You start to need them, and what do you get?" My wings fidgeted. I was nearly shouting at myself in the mirror. "You depend on them, and what do they do? They leave! They walk out on you or they get you fired or they die! Right when you need them most!" I couldn't stay still, so I flapped my wings and hovered in the air. Angry tears burned my eyes, and I kept shouting at my reflection. "They're all... entitled jerks that can't see how much they're hurting you. It's disgusting!"

With a flap, Holli jumped up into the air and got up in my face, eyes like daggers. "So, what then? You just stop trying? Buck 'em and dump 'em!?"

"Well, better them than me!"

She snorted and hovered a little higher. Her head almost bumped the ceiling. "Sugar, you just said these jerks can't see how much they're hurting other ponies! Don't be such a hypocrite!"

"Ugh!" I knocked the sides of my head with my hooves. "That's not the same! Ponies know I'm a celebrity. They don't care about me." I jerked my head to the side and looked in the mirror again. "They just want a piece of fame without getting to know me! They're all the same, and besides, it's not like I–"

'I just flew away.'

I couldn't breathe. A thousand images flashed through my head, and they all connected in a way that made me sick. Bottom Line putting Fire Streak's name on the top of the roster just to get me out of the way. Sapphire Shores kicking me out of her room. Mom slamming the door on us. Dad in a casket. All the ponies that had abandoned me.

And I saw myself doing the same thing. At the garden party after last week's performance, I'd left Cloudhoof to make an ass of himself and nearly ruin his career because I'd been too deep in a drink to help him out. I'd abandoned my team when I'd been cut from the roster and taken down a peg. I was pushing Holli away while she was trying to help me. And what was bothering me most of all...

I sank down onto the bed and remembered shouting at Braeburn about saying 'Hi' to his dresses. I saw him sitting on that couch, confused and scared and trying to say something as I stormed out. I saw him waiting in that house for me to come back and apologize, sinking into despair when he'd realized I was gone for good. I saw him crying.

The scenes faded. Tears ran down my face. "I... left him. I abandoned everypony. S… shit." I wanted to fall through the floor and just keep falling forever. It felt like I already was.

"Sugar..." I looked up. Holli landed in front of me and gave me a smile. It looked a little forced, but she was trying, and her gentle kindness meant the world.

I broke down. Different parts of a hundred stories mixed together as they spewed out of my mouth. I tried to choke back sobs while I told her about Mom leaving us, about losing my spot as lead flier, and about Braeburn. I told her how much I hated being alone and how everything seemed to be coming apart. I went on and on for over an hour.

She listened to every word and didn't speak until I was finished. "You've really been through the wringer lately."

I sniffed and wiped my nose on my fetlock. My head hung low. "You said it."

It was quiet.

Holli broke the silence very, very gently. "...Maybe you could talk to Braeburn about some of this? You said that you two really clicked."

The hole in my chest was big enough that there was hardly anything left of me. "Eh, I already shot myself in the hoof on that one. I left him." I sighed. "And even if I got him to talk, he'd just leave me eventually, too."

She took a deep breath. I could see the gears working in her head. "Well... some ponies are worth chasing after, right?"

I stopped sinking. "Well, yeah, I guess." I looked up. "But what if they don't want you chasing them?" The Wonderbolts came to mind, too. "What if they don't even want you around?"

"Well, they might not be seeing clearly, Soarin'. Hardly anypony gets it right the first time." She reached out and touched my hoof. "Your best friends won't ever truly abandon you." 

Something happened. No idea what, but it was something. I thought, 'She's still here. I didn't pay her, and I called out the wrong name, and I yelled at her when she was trying to be nice. And she's still here.' 

I blubbered out the words, "You're still here." My heart started beating again, and I sat up straight. Breath came back to my body like an old friend. "You're still here!"

She nuzzled my face. "Course I am."

My mind raced. I wasn't alone. If Holli was still there for me, if she could forgive me for yelling and being so completely stupid, then maybe Spitfire could, too. And Cloudhoof wouldn't be too mad. And Fire Streak deserved some competitive support, just like he'd given me. And if I could patch things up with the 'Bolts, then maybe...

A cross between fiery panic and weightless joy raced through my veins. "Oh. My. Gosh!" I jumped up and took off flying around the room in tight circles, blowing papers off my desk and threatening to start a tornado. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!" For the first time in weeks, my soul felt like it was on fire, ready to take on the world, and the more I thought about it, the more everything became clear.

Holli scurried off the bed and protected her head with her forelegs. She had to shout to make herself heard. "Soarin'! Calm down! What are you doing?"

I put on the brakes, dropped to the floor on all fours and whipped my head towards her. I couldn't believe what she was asking, and my expression was completely blank. Wasn't it obvious? I was shivering and laughing, and I couldn't believe how long it had taken me to see what I needed to do.

"I'm going to find Braeburn!"