//------------------------------// // [Bonus Chapter] 666 - The mark of the Best Villain Ever! // Story: The Ultimatest Evil // by Death Pony //------------------------------// Princess Celestia, ruler of the kingdom of Equestria and Monarch of the Sun didn’t feel well. Too much cake lie at the core of her distress, but she would never admit that; not even to herself. Instead she determined her illness must be the distinct lack of anything challenging to do. It had been months since any kind of crisis had occurred, and even the biggest hotspot of trouble, Ponyville, was eerily quiet. She didn’t want to admit it, but she’d even put on a pound or two (or okay, perhaps several) due to inactivity and the accompanying snacks to relieve her boredom. As she approached her bedchambers a disturbing thought occurred; she couldn’t exactly remember the last time she had attended the sun or spoken with Luna. Like a small niggle at the corner of her consciousness, it was something that she felt should be important enough to be alarmed about but it was masked by a prevailing haze of good feelings that seemed to drown out things like concerns and problems. Shaking her head in an effort to dispel the notion that ‘something was wrong’, she pushed open the door to her bedchambers (which by the way was remarkably dark for some reason) and moved towards her large, four poster bed in an attempt to nap her doubts away. “Hello Celestia,” a deep voice calmly floated from inside the darkened room, a mix of charm and affable menace. With a rather embarrassing squeak, the Diarchy of the Sun gracefully jumped in a half-circle and spun to shoot a beam of magic devastation towards the source of the voice without a moment’s hesitation. The accompanying light revealed a frightening black figure calmly reclining in the royal La-Z-Colt, its tall but slender frame swaddled in black robes and the hood a void of darkness that even the approaching blast of solar destruction could not penetrate. Celestia had a fraction-of-a-moment to mentally recoil in horror at the fact she had just destroyed a living creature in reflex before that emotion was quickly crushed under a feeling of incredulity at the results of her attack. Without missing a beat, the hooded figure nonchalantly raised one hand and caught the blast of magic as one might catch a lobbed softball; if that softball were glowing and sporting temperatures in the thousands of degrees. Holding the orb of light for a moment, the figure rolled his wrist in a sharp circle and was left holding a shining apple of the brightest gold color. The hand brought the apple towards the deep hood, preceding a loud crunch, some chewing sounds, and finally a hearty swallow. “Spicy,” the dark being declared in an amused tone before he tossed the remains into the air where it dissipated in a cloud of sparks that lit all the candles and torches in the curtained room, pushing back the darkness and leaving the place restored to comfortable bedchamber status. “You shouldn’t keep your mouth open for too long Your Majesty, or you may end up swallowing a fly,” he added in a friendly jab. Celestia closed her mouth in response and after a nervous swallow she struggled to recover her dignity. “Who-“she began dumbly, before the haze surrounding her thoughts pulled back for a moment and offered clarity. “It’s you,” she whispered, a half-smile twitching to her lips before she could stop it. “Indeed,” he replied. While crossing one leg over the other, he steepled his fingers in front of his empty looking hood. “At the end of the day, I’ve found that I’m the best at being me.” Celestia had finally recovered from her shock at being surprised and decided to stick with diplomacy after its display of power in the face of her rude attack. “My apologies for the uncouth greetings, you surprised me and I acted rashly.” She finished this statement with a slight bowing of the head, something that would have driven the nobles of the court into frenzy about propriety and station nonsense she’d heard far too often in the past. The Ultimate Evil waved a hand about in dismissal. “Think nothing of it Your Highness; I’m the rude one for intruding into your bedchambers unannounced and then dozing off while waiting for your return.” The grin he probably adopted could almost be felt as he continued. “In the future, I’ll try to get invited to your room before I enter, like a proper gentleman.” Celestia was far too old to miss flirting when she heard it and wasn’t sure if she should be flattered, frightened, or flustered. She decided a giggle was a safe response. “My-my, you are just as charming as I’d heard from the Elements of Harmony Sir Evil.” This wasn’t empty flattery either. The girls had said that it was a confused but lovable failure of a villain who had done nothing but nice things in the guise of domineering evil. She was far more interested in the motivations of the being in front of her than worried about its nefarious nature. The dark robed figure nodded once, and said “Please, just call me… uh, E.” before the feeling of goodwill and friendly banter seemed to drain from his frame and with a despondent sigh the creature uncrossed his legs, places its hands on his knees, and bowed deeply from its sitting position. “As much as I’ve looked forward to meeting you Princess, I’m afraid I must apologize to you first. I’ve…made a terrible mistake.” It seemed to grow slightly smaller in shame and continued. “Actually, more like a veritable parade of terrible mistakes, ever since I arrived in your lands.” The hood came up and Celestia could feel the creature’s gaze boring into her own. “I may have doomed us all without even meaning to.” Cold reality seemed to splash upon the Princess of the Sun at these words. “What do you mean child? Something like that…it’s nothing to joke about or take lightly,” Celestia finished with narrowed eyes. The villain sighed again. “If only it was a joke,” he shook his head in additional denial. “In my…homeland, we have a saying, ‘The path to Hell is paved with good intentions’. No, I’m afraid that I’ve done serious damage to this world and you…no, we’re in need of desperate measures to fix it. The problem is, I can’t do anything myself to fix what I’ve done,” he said. Opening his arms in a helpless shrug he continued, “Anything I do at this point would probably exacerbate things, so all I can do is give you an idea of what’s wrong and how I think it can be fixed. Any more and the whole operation could be messed up.” Celestia noticed his hands clench into fists in either anger or frustration. She tried to reassure the robed figure. “I see. Eve, is it? I have to be honest and point out that Equestria has never been more peaceful or prosperous and most of that is in no small part due to your influence. I’ll need a little more convincing in order to understand what peril we are supposedly in, you see?” Her smile was gentle and motherly, something she found was quite effective on ponies and foreign dignitaries alike. She was sure he was simply overthinking things. “Two days Princess,” the figure said in grim finality. “I’m sorry?” she replied in confusion. The dark being sighed again, “The sun hasn’t set or risen in over two days.” Cold terror began to creep through the alicorn’s veins. “W-What…? What are you saying? I just raised…it…” The frightening reality that she couldn’t remember when she last raised the sun stole the remaining denial she had tried to express. She began to tremble slightly as her mind raced. “It’s what brought me here,” the Ultimate Evil said with sorrow. “Added to what else I’ve observed in the world, I’ve drawn a rather frightening conclusion; I’ve thrown Harmony so out of balance that this world is about to…burst in a shower of positive energy.” The robed figure crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in the recliner. “Either that, or possibly sublimate into a sea of light and dissolve entirely into a pile of mashed potatoes. I’m not one-hundred percent sure which, but neither sounds like something the residents of this world would agree to.” The dark figure tilted its head and took a thoughtful posture. “It would seem that the whole clichéd ideology that most supervillains spout about good needing evil, were far more apt than anyone might have guessed.” Princess Celestia wanted to shout out that it couldn’t be true; that there had to be some mistake, but her voice was locked up tight by chains of fear as her brain scrambled to think of an out. “Luna? Where’s…where’s my sister been?” Celestia asked in a wavering voice. “Heh-heh,” the villain laughed a bit. “That’s actually the good news; she’s not been around lately which means that my, sorta/kinda plan, has a chance to save everyone.” “A plan? You mentioned something like that before…” the alicorn looked at the robed figure with wide eyes. “What is it? How can we…save, everyone?” The robed figure leaned forward in the chair and began to chuckle evilly. “Sin,” he said with obvious glee. “By myself, I could never produce enough of it to push the balance of Harmony back to something resembling normality, but if we could get all of Equestria, and the rest of the world to just be a little more…well evil, then I think we might just avoid a great big Game Over after all.” The Princess blinked a couple of times as she tried to process the idea. “You mean, to save the world…ponies and the rest…will need to…” “Be bad, bad critters, yes!” The Ultimate Evil finished and began to rub his hands together in a continuous motion. “Evil will be what saves Equestria!” Celestia tilted her head to the side and watched his hands continue to knead each other for a moment before curiosity overcame her manners. “What are you doing there?” The stranger froze for a moment and then dropped his hands to his knees again, somehow giving off an air of defeat and slumping over as if in surrender. “Nothing,” he said sadly. “I’m not doing anything at all…” The figure recovered quickly and continued his explanation. “But that’s not the important thing! You see, I thought for sure I had messed up badly by…visiting, all the greatest nemeses Equestria has ever known and…subjecting them to my particular brand of…evil…brainwashing…” he finished with obvious embarrassment. Coughing loudly he continued, “Be that as it may, there were other, nefarious characters I never met because well…they either just weren’t the type of criminal I felt required extra attention or I just never encountered them, you know?” Celestia did not feel as if she knew after all. “Who do you mean exactly?” The Princess could almost feel the feral grin radiating from the dark hood of the being in front of her. “You wouldn’t know this of course, but where I come from, there is an ancient held belief that there are Seven Deadly Sins which comprise most of the evil that all thinking life is capable of. This ideology has permeated many aspects of my culture, from frivolous satire to deeply held religions. Behold!” With that statement he made a flourishing motion with his left hand and was suddenly holding seven cards that resembled the ones used by fortunetellers, with only their opulently designed backs facing Celestia. Pulling one away with his free hand, he placed it down upon the small table that had appeared in between them without her notice. Upon the card was a flowing script that read Pride and featured a unicorn the Princess was sure she should know decked out in a star spangled cape and hat. “This is Trixie Lulamoon, a show pony that once threatened Ponyville in a fit of revenge against your faithful student for perceived injustices against her during a previous visit.” He tapped the card with an index finger and continued. “Her Sin was Pride and seeing Twilight Sparkle’s humility after showing her magical superiority is what caused her to harbor and nurse dark thoughts.” The dark being dramatically cupped his right cheek with sprawled fingers and leaned forward slowly. The alicorn princess looked like she wanted to dispute the notion of a jealous pony being driven to evil but only nodded with a sad frown and motioned for the creature to continue. “Now then I guess we can… Hmmm… We’ll get…Trixie to stage a massive magic show and…uh…” the villain faltered a bit as he struggled to reach a nefarious conclusion. One pale hand came up to scratch the hood while concentrating. “Maybe, turn the audience into…frogs?” Celestia barely managed to keep from facehoofing when the irony of the situation struck her; she would have to become the evil mastermind and devise ways of corrupting her ponies while partnering with quite possibly the second most miscast villain she’d ever met. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. The Princess cleared her throat. “Perhaps, she could play upon their pride and cause them to…desire an unhealthy drive to show-up others? Maybe, cause fierce competition to disrupt…harmonious relationships?” The Ultimate Evil leaned back in surprise. “That’s…brilliant!” He snapped the fingers on his free hand and a notepad and pencil appeared suspended beside him and began to take notes. “Using Pride to corrupt…why didn’t I think of that!” It looked up from the table it’d been staring at to look at Celestia in assumed admiration. “You know, you’re pretty good at this evil mastermind stuff Princess…” The silly grin hidden by the hood was obvious to the great solar ruler. One eyelid gave a minuet twitch as did the tips of her wings, but Princess Celestia managed to keep her serene smile in place despite herself. “Yes…thank you, Eib.” “It’s not…” the hooded figure started, and then gave-up with a shake of his head and grabbing another card, the Ultimate Evil laid it upon the table face-up. This one read Lust and depicted a lavender-blue pegasus sporting a blonde mane and a smoldering look in her eyes that made the Princess mildly uncomfortable. “This filly is Cloud Kicker and she’s quite…famous in certain parts of Ponyville. She’s rather frisky, if you know what I mean.” Celestia figured that if she could see them, the being’s eyebrows would be waggling suggestively. “Her Sin is unchecked Lust,” he added before looking up at the ceiling in contemplation. “Also her favorite verb is rumored to be ‘bang’.” While the great Princess Celestia was certainly no stranger to the more base nature of ponies, talking about this with a non-pony, in her own bedchambers, and so candidly…it was a bit embarrassing; even for her. With a gentle cough she replied, “I-I see…” The dark figure nodded with ease, not showing any signs of discomfort himself. “Yeah, so with her help we could…uh, make ponies more interested in…careless sex, I suppose?” He scratched the side of his hooded head in deep thought. “Maybe, racy air shows? Perhaps…subliminal advertising for smut?” The figure suddenly seemed embarrassed and with a nervous cough turned away from Celestia as he remembered something unpleasant. “The only thing I know for sure is mares really like alicorn males…” he whispered and then shivered a bit, uncontrollably. A loud sigh of frustration almost escaped the solar ruler but she just managed to hold it in with tightly closed eyes; the tip of one wing rubbing the spot just below her horn in a calming motion. After a moment of contemplation, another lead weight settled into her stomach as a second dark idea blossomed in her mind. “Games… Ponies do so like games, and long ago there was a…well, it was a ‘party game’ where ponies would…try to, move assigned limbs to different colored horseshoes…and eventually they would, end up in rather…compromising positions…” she trailed off into silence. “It’s been some time since then of course, but I do remember it being…rather stimulating…” Celestia could barely remember a time so long ago, but deep inside herself she did miss those moments when ponies were forward enough to flirt openly with a princess. “Oh, Twister! Pony Twister!?” The dark menace began to laugh loudly. “That’s great! If we use her to advertise a sexy version of naughty Twister…well, that would probably cause ponies to increase their lust! Oh, and also your population,” he snickered at the end. Hearing her fond memory of fairly innocent fun being wielded to further corrupt her ponies was another unpleasant shock that seemed to become a weight upon her soul, each new one adding to her burden. Her upset tummy did not like. With that he reached for another card and placed it on the table, face-up. The script on this card read Gluttony and depicted a ball of green slime, inexplicably wearing a bowtie. “You should know this one’s true nature Princess; the Smooze was an inexorable wave of pure feeding frenzy long ago. Created with one purpose in mind, I think this thing will prove most useful.” The index finger of its free hand began tapping on its chin as it hummed. “Oh, what if it…hid in closets or, oh bathtubs and…I dunno, jumped out to scare ponies?” The feeling of tightness grew in Celestia’s chest as more vile thoughts were born in her mind. “With its help, we can,” the alicorn swallowed hard, her expression becoming one of shellshock, “c-cause food scarcity and instill a…hording instinct in others. With that,” she closed her eyes tightly, “friends and neighbors will be…less likely to s-share resources with one another…creating the kind of…tension the world needs right now. Ponies would guard extra food for themselves and once food became available again…” Celestia’s wings dipped a little more at the thought of ponies going hungry and fighting over food but she kept her composure despite the increasing pressure she felt on her heart. The Ultimate Evil did a double take. “Woah. That. Was. Genius! We control the supply, create demand, and then wham-o! Tubby ponies are the new black. Truly, you have a gift your Excellency.” While the Ultimate Evil seemed quite giddy at first, a moment of staring at the distraught ruler caused him to pause and then heave a despondent sigh, slapping the next card on the table face down in defeat. “Alright, I think this is enough, don’t you? I mean, look at her face! It’s heartbreaking…” Celestia looked up with a bemused expression. “What…what are you-“ “Truly!? By the Moon, you are the softest-hearted villain to ever grace these ephemeral halls,” Luna’s voice proclaimed as it floated out from the shadows, her tone a mix of friendly amusement and exasperation. “However, if you say you can do no more then I will relent. T’was a fine jape to be sure,” she chuckled. With a gasp, Celestia turned to look around the room in confusion. "Lu- Lulu? Is…that you? What’s happening? Is this a…dream?” Luna materialized from the shadows with a smirking grin on her muzzle. “Indeed my sister, it is I!” She seemed to just barely be containing her laughter at the situation. “I see our plan was successful in scoring a point! Huzzah!” She pranced a little and gave a little hoof-pump in victory. “This….was a…a prank?” Celestia said, her confused tone slowing becoming flat. While Luna continued to giggle behind her hoof, only the hooded figure in the chair began to tense up at the slow change coming over the Solar Princess. The slow smoldering of her immediate surroundings was sending all the wrong signals to the pseudo-villain. “This, was a prank,” she repeated, her coat beginning to smoke while her tail and mane began wildly whipping about, as if in a windstorm. Luna was too busy to notice any changes due to giving into her mirth and surrendering to a full blown belly laugh, pounding the floor with a hoof as she enjoying in getting one over on the master prankster herself. The Ultimate Evil gave a squeal that would have done any school-age filly proud and drew his knees up to his chest in recoil when Celestia’s mane and tail became raging torrents of living flame and exclaimed, “THIS, WAS A PRANK!?” Luna nimbly jumped back from the now scorched marble she was laying on just a moment ago with a laugh. “Ha! Do not think you will always be the one to have the last laugh my sister! Tonight, Batmare has outwitted The Jokester!” She faded into the shadows with a menacing laugh; the last thing to fade was her tongue delivering a rather moist raspberry. The scorch mark left behind on the surface nearby demonstrating that the flaming attack had been just a moment too slow. Celestia’s eyes scanned to room in fury, looking for a new target when they landed on the hooded menace trying to creep from the room with exaggerated steps, moving from tiptoe to tiptoe like a hapless pony trying to escape a den of sleeping manticores. He squealed in terror for a moment when a glowing band of magic seized him around the waist and lifted him into the air. “JUST. ONE. MOMENT,” Celestia thundered as she dragged him before her. “We’re not done talking,” she added, a plume of smoke punctuating the statement with a snort. “You…you’re going to help me get her back. Anything you want to say in your defense before we begin to plan my smirking revenge?” Her glare was strong enough to vaporize granite and it bored into the depths of the dark hood trying to penetrate the darkness. The hooded figure gulped loudly before speaking. “I…I need an adult?” he said timidly. Celestia’s eyebrows shot up in surprise for a second before her expression morphed into a sultry and coy look. She leaned close to the hood and whispered, “Oh my silly stallion, I’m all the adult you could ever ask for,” she whispered huskily before beginning to drag him from the dreamscape bedroom and into a newly created war room. His answering whimper did nothing to boost his self-confidence.