//------------------------------// // Eleven Scrolls // Story: Starlight Glimmer's New Diary // by Amethyst_Crystal //------------------------------// Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle, Enclosed in this box, you will find the first nine entries of my new diary, each on separate scrolls. Well technically, it's more like eleven entries, I had split the last one in three parts. These diary entries are much less... unpleasant. Sometimes a bit angsty, I guess. But overall still lovely compared to the old one. I decided parchment scrolls would be a better format after my old book, since I can store them here in the castle easily. These have been written from shortly after I began my training as your pupil of Friendship, up until the night after the events during the Crystalling of your niece Princess Flurry Heart. I have further entries around, but I felt like it would be better to share them in portions, for thematic reasons. Well, also I'm nervous to share them all at once... Too shy to share the most recent stuff. Hoping these give you some greater insight into my thoughts and understandings. Thank you for all your help and guidance. I'm glad you are my true friend. Your faithful student, Starlight Glimmer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1 Hello Diary. My name is Starlight Glimmer. I want to treat you more kindly than my last one. This is meant to be for new beginnings, new possibilities of life. So for starters, I have to get some big things off my mind. I was wrong. I thought I knew the truth of the world, of myself. But the only thing I really knew was my own fears and insecurities. I have been laughing and crying off and on most of today. I am a whirlwind of emotions. Nothing of my past world was real. I can't believe what a little foal I've been, for so many years. Because now, Twilight Sparkle is my best friend. If I had written that even twelve hours ago, I'd know I've lost my mind. Instead, it would seem I've finally found it again. Twilight Sparkle was never my enemy... no, my own ego and pride were my true adversaries. She didn't have to reach out to help me either, diary. That alicorn had every reason and right to hate me, for what I've done to her. But instead, she offered her compassion and understanding. Twilight told me that I can still make friends, without forcing them to be my friends. She was the last pony I wanted to be friends with. But when she offered... I couldn't refuse. There was no happiness left in my world. Only grief, uncertainty, fear. I am tired of all the pain. I would rather try and live a new life. So, here I am. Have my own room in Twilight's Castle. Already teleported most of my stuff into here, which isn't much, having been a vagabond for quite awhile again recently. Still... this is just absurd. I can't believe this is happening. My sworn enemy is now my best friend. Heheheh... Oh Starlight. Why are you so... confused. I need to trust her now. Twilight understands true friendship. I do not. I never did. All those lies I told ponies in Our Town. All the pain and suffering I've caused. Twilight should have sentenced me to Tartarus. Why do I get another chance? Do I really deserve one after all? Well. This has been an awkward start, diary. Maybe things will be more clear next time. For now, I need to go see Twilight and her friends. They want to begin my Friendship Initiation Rites. Wish me luck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2 Wow. Lessons today were a lot more awkward than I was hoping. I keep getting weird looks from the others, and disappointed confusion goes both ways. They try to teach me what they call 'basics' of social life, yet it seems to elude me completely. Pinkie Pie tried to teach me to laugh more 'sincerely'. Applejack tried to help me relax and not be so 'uptight' even while working. Rarity tried to show me how to be more graceful and self-aware. Fluttershy tried to give me insight into true kindness. Rainbow Dash outright told me to stop being so... controlling. Am I really? I never thought about that. I felt really bad when she said so. I'm really worried now. Am I controlling? That's terrible. She must be exaggerating, right? But maybe she is right. Maybe I try to make ponies do what I want too much. Is that really true, though? I want ponies to do what's best for them. It just so happens that I know the... oh. Well, I guess I need to be more self aware of what I say and do, after all. Twilight Sparkle bid the others to leave me be after awhile. She seemed really concerned. 'What's wrong? Are you okay?' Well no, I was not okay. None of this failed training was okay. This is humiliating, infuriating! I can't believe I'm even doing these stupid lessons! How can I be so incompetent at friendship, when I was able to lead so many other ponies into thinking I'm a master of it? Why is it that I panic about real friendship, the kind that has true honesty, loyalty, kindness, laughter, and generosity? I thought I knew what true friendship could be. But it seems I haven't any idea at all. Then Twilight told me 'To calm down and try to see from new perspectives'. Then I cried that none of her friends liked me. They were all being passive-aggressive and resentful. I just knew it. Twilight had that quirky smirk on her face, and her sass went into overdrive. 'Please don't misunderstand, they were just being cautious and considerate. We've been developing a habit of friendliness towards former enemies, you see. It's just easier to get along that way. Count yourself lucky for us being used to it by now.' She was actually giggling! I still had tears in my face and I just stared at her. I was so confused and intimidated. Twilight Sparkle noticed, I think she even flinched. Suddenly, her huge wings unfurled, and swooped out to wrap me up in a big warm hug. 'You should stop covering your eyes with fear,' she said much more gently. 'Try to see others more clearly. Trust me, it's not easy when you start a loner,' she confided, smiling down at me. That was the first time I felt really safe and relaxed in a long while. You don't always succeed to comfort, but when you do, you do so wonderfully. Thank you, Twilight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 I am easily distracted by the task at hand. Too easily. I obsess especially over... unpleasant things. Twilight tells me to stop focusing so much study on dark magic, on mind control, on power. She says I should resist such interests for now. She has an obvious frown when she says so. But I crave the darkness. The power. I know I can master it... eventually. Why has it always been difficult for me to do so? I have been revisiting my old history lessons recently. Luna took power when she wanted it. Luna took it, and became a new creature entirely, Nightmare Moon. Why not I, then... Unfortunately I'm too weak, and so was she. And the same pony defeated both of us. My new teacher, Twilight Sparkle. I was afraid of her before. I still am. Being reminded of all the powerful creatures she and her friends have defeated only enhances that fear. But it is a cautious, respectful fear. I do not wish to cross Twilight Sparkle. She shattered my vision with her truth before. Who knows what would happen next time I defied her? Ugh, I shouldn't think like this. I need to knock it off with this brooding angst. No dark magic, then. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4 Sometimes it is easy to miss friendship lessons in the most obvious places. Right under my nose, someone wanted to be my close friend. It's just, how was I to know? They act so abrasive, aloof towards me. Apparently they are just 'cool' and like that with everypony? I mean, I'm glad she does like me after all. She seems like a nice pony underneath the 'coolness'. But it scares me that I didn't know or understand, that she really did want to be friends. How can I learn friendship, if I can't even recognize it? But I will keep trying anyway. Because that is my sworn duty right now. To develop and enhance my friendship capabilities. Everypony said not to worry too much about it though. Rainbow Dash's aura of coolness requires interpretation perhaps a bit advanced for a friendship initiate such as myself. I do find this 'coolness' fascinating though, and perhaps I can cultivate it to enhance my own charisma. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5 Twilight says that soon I will have my first big official friendship lesson, now that I have nearly finished these warm-up exercises. These lessons with her closest friends, who were all all actively aware of my rehabilitation process. I suppose they don't count as lessons, then. I mean. They do, because the Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash & Rarity didn't have to do this. So they were friendship training lessons but not the big lessons. Oh, whatever. You know what I mean, diary. Anyway, I feel like I'm making progress when she phrases things that way. She appreciates a calculating, organized mind like mine, I think. Perhaps because she is the same way. It is strange how similar we are to each other, and I do still feel wary about Twilight's cutie mark. WHY is it so like mine? I asked her the other day, tried my best not to make any fuss, just casual, you know? She simply giggled and shrugged and said, 'Well, now we're working together on magic and friendship, aren't we?' It was really sweet of her, and it made me feel better. Maybe things are that simple. But a little later, I saw her eyes as flew off to see Applejack. She looked really worried about something. I'm sorry Twilight. I should have known you'd be concerned by such a question... if you weren't already thinking it yourself. It was in that moment I first realized how, despite being similar in mindset to me, she was much stronger than me. Because I did not even know that she could worry, in the way I worry. Because she did not want me to worry about her, too. Is that what friendship is? A constant mask, a disguise? Or is it just the self-stability and grace to not unduly influence others with negative emotion? Does that make it a lie? No. Just withholding pain of new truths when it is not, appropriate to do so. Empathy? Sometimes I feel like I learn more from my teacher by studying who she is, more so than what she guides me to do. Hmm. Oh, I totally forgot my original point now. Sorry, diary. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6 To be honest, this castle gives me the creeps. For a castle of an Organized Order of Friendship & Magic, seeded by the ancient tree of Harmony(!), it is highly chaotic in nature. At least, it seems that way, to me. This Living Magic Tree Fortress. There are so many hallways and doors and rooms. I swear I should remember the orientation of the layout by now. Yet it is ever-shifting, twisting, evolving, re-patterning. I have complained quite bluntly with both Twilight and Spike about it. Neither alicorn nor dragon has given me any satisfying response, usually just petty teasing for getting lost. No, this place is unnatural and unsettling. Yet it is a living domain, is it not? What if this is in fact a second Tree of Harmony? Or perhaps a hybrid Tree of Balance? It is certainly orderly too. After all, the rooms themselves don't really change. It's the hallways. That's why I hate walking around in here. I remember when I was lost in those cold cavern tunnels for weeks on end. My only salvation was having put hidden rations near the entrance ahead of time, with foresight for plans of mapping out the caverns. Before the insurrection at our town. The insurrection against my rule. Instigated by Fluttershy, led by Twilight... Anyway, I didn't starve. But I did go mad. Truly mad. More-so than the now obvious passive madness I've had for the past many, many years. Ever since the day that... Well... Maybe it's better to get lost in hallways... so that I don't get lost in memories... unless the memories haunt me there, too. At least I am no longer wasting my mind away, deep in that desert, before founding Our Town. There was no easy way out, in the eternal expanse of sky and sand. Hiding on a lonely island oasis, of inner peace, and no growth. But sometimes, I do miss that time in my life. The soft wind in the palm leaves and ferns. The crystal clear magical waters of the pool. The delicious fruits and flowers. Selfish, solitary contentment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7 I remember now. The first friendship lesson I shall have, since I'm done with training. My very first big test, to prove myself ready to follow the path of true friendship. My first chance to really make myself a better pony. The hallways in my mind have recoiled, pushing backwards, narrowing, shortening. All the doors have been shutting, crashing, clanging. As Princess Twilight Sparkle narrows down the cards she'll play for my fate, then she shows what she is holding. And now there are only 3 doors in front of me. And only walls behind and beside me. The doors on either side make me uncomfortable, for being my first serious lesson, if nothing else. The door right in front of me, which I keep trying to avert my eyes from... this door makes me afraid. I cannot believe there is a one in three chance this door opens to my lesson. I cannot believe who she chose. My first friendship lesson. It may as well be my last. Princess Twilight Sparkle might order me to rekindle my friendship with... Sunburst. This really isn't fair. I did not expect her to be so cruel. Or oblivious. Maybe I was wrong about her. Maybe she doesn't understand friendship. But Twilight really was hurt by me in the past... so I still do not know it either. Why is this happening to me? Should I trust in Twilight still? Maybe I should just talk to her, like Spike suggested. But I really don't want to let her down. Twilight gave me a new chance to be myself. My real self. The pony I want to be. But it's difficult getting to know myself when I'm so busy trying to be friends with everypony. Is this going to help me know myself better... by confronting my deepest fear? Sunburst is at fault for everything. I hate him and I'm scared of him. I don't want to see him again. Its all your fault, Sunburst! No! No, that's not true! I can't keep lying to myself like that. I have to admit, diary... It is my fault that I became this way! I am to blame! I have just used Sunburst as a scapegoat my whole life! I can't see him, not because of fear... it's because of shame! Please Twilight, don't make me do this... I had such high hopes for learning about friendship with you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8 Now the left and right door have fallen away, leaving behind the one I feared most, dead center. I wanted to scream at Twilight. A cry of absolute terror and resentment. The wailing frustration of my soul. 'How could you pour anxiety onto me, and then deliver my worst fears?' I desperately wanted to shriek, right there on the balcony, no matter how many ponies heard. But I kept it all to myself, diary. Because I want to prove to Twilight I am strong like her, too, that I can resist giving my pain when I shouldn't. I want to trust in her judgment. I can do this. I can. Twilight believes in me, after all. Spike still says to talk with her about it though. How does this little dragon always have the most sensible ideas? Maybe I should talk to her still... I am absolutely terrified after all... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9a Today has been productive and rejuvenating! Although of course there were many hazards around the way. Like coping with my fear of seeing Sunburst again. I tried over and over to convince Twilight to drop the lesson, in favor of focusing the visit on her new royal niece in the Crystal Empire. Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor's filly. How convenient that Sunburst would reside there now. Ugh. I just don't get it, why should I have to deal with this? How good is a friendship lesson when it stresses me out so much. I tried to appeal to Twilight one more time on the train, but in response she assigned one of her enormous checklists to me, for optimum efficiency in my personal task. It did NOT reassure me to see so many words about reuniting with Sunburst. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, I was denied relief within reach! Princess Twilight's brother, Prince Shining Armor, was totally out of it, exhausted from the new baby, and Twilight had just decided to postpone my lesson after all... When Spike opened his big mouth and suggested taking the checklist and acting as my supervisor in Twilight's stead. Thanks, Spike. Really appreciated that save there. Or rather, the opposite of one! I wanted to get out of this, and now I was being forced to see Sunburst anyway. Oh, um. I guess this makes it sound like I really didn't like any of today, and lied in my initial statement for this entry, diary. But really, I'm just trying to recapture my feelings at the given time. For reflection. Anyway, we had passed by a statue of Spike... a STATUE of Spike! I asked him what the heck that was all about. Seemed so strange to me. Well, and I also sought to undo his task. I wished to evade my lesson. And if that meant manipulating those around me, the way I used to. Then so be it… I'm sorry, diary. I'm not proud of how I felt at the time. I was very upset. I felt like my thoughts and feelings didn't matter... Because I was still a bad pony. Yes, that's right diary. I wasn't just wrong. I was bad too. I don't like to talk about it. I don't tell anypony about it. I've never told her, but... I think Twilight knows. I'm sure of it. She knows everything about me. More than I know about myself. This friendship lesson has just reminded me of that. Is this why Twilight seems genuinely afraid of Princess Celestia sometimes? Is it normal to be scared of your teacher's knowledge and power? Is it okay? Twilight has never threatened me. Never. I mean, okay, back when we first met. And definitely the second time we met. Given the threatening and dangerous circumstances I forced Twilight into each time, I think it would be reasonable for me to just let it slide. But not the third time we met, or ever since she shattered my boundaries of hate, and took me in for comfort and rehab. Sure Twilight is scary. But I also think she's really good, and that makes me feel... hopeful. Heheh. I guess this is the consequence of bottled up emotions, diary. I mean, come to think of it, I was a lot more emotive today than usual though. I guess these are aftershocks or something. Uh, where was I. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9b So Spike turns out to have saved the empire from King Sombra. Again, I felt a tinge of jealousy. Nightmare Moon, King Sombra. Two masters of darkness. I have always wanted to master those arts, but I couldn't get the hang of it. Maybe it's best I didn't. I may have become just as bad as those two... or maybe worse... I really am a bad pony. I wish Twilight would just say so... Spike has saved the whole Crystal Empire twice. Well, it's more like a Crystal City-State. It really was an interesting tale, maybe I'll transcribe it sometime. I bet he'd love having his own biography. I failed to persuade him out of stalling the lesson further. Twilight's notes dictated to him a counterpoint to that tactic. Thanks, Think-of-Everything Teacher: indirect defeat due to your overwhelming mind games. Again. Feeling worried already at Sunburst's door, then Spike just had to lay on the tension and stress under guise of focused perseverance. Whatever. I don't need to be reminded how intense I feel about this. When Sunburst opened the door and peered outside... Wow he was cute. He really was. Nice cape and glasses too. Oh. I am getting off topic. Sunburst was weirdly impressed by the fact I was a student of the Princess of Friendship. I guess he didn't get the circumstances... I didn't want him to, either... I mean so what, he was an important wizard that went to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, right? Or wherever it was. I might be mixing up stories Twilight has told me. Or maybe they did both go there... Anyway, he just kind of... said nice to see you, and closed the door. I felt sudden relief. I am surprised I wasn't angry or upset. The door was closed. I felt clear of responsibility. Satisfied at completion, Spike lunged into my face with his stalwart determination. 'Talk with him more', the little dragon said. Why does he have to be right about things like Twilight? Well fine then. I went inside, I sat down for tea, we talked about... nothing. He asked if anything happened since he left. I panicked and lied and lied and lied. I think he knew I was. Lying I mean. I got hot tea all over his table mid-panic. It was an accident, honest! Sunburst said he wasn't sure what the point was for us to actively re-start our friendship, because it had been so many years. Many years. So very long. When your first and closest friend leaves you behind, and you sink into a dark depression with delusions of grandeur which leads to many ponies suffering... Even being saved from myself, and royally pardoned, and given qualified rehab... How do you start again, after all that? Spike checked the ominous checklist and invoked an objective which basically amounted to 'sharing shame'. I flipped out, and in retrospect, I guess Sunburst did too. We've just met again for the first time and years, and Spike says 'share your shame'? Uh, no thank you. We quickly said our goodbyes. I felt devastated. Sunburst was way too preoccupied with his skills and abilities to care about me. Just as I always expected. I have nothing good to show for my past years, while he has become a great wizard. I mean sure, I know spells too, but I mean like classical unicorn studying and training of the magic arts. Spike gave me a hug and said he and Twilight were still my friends, regardless. You know what, he had a good point. At least I have a couple friends, right? I still felt bad about Sunburst though. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9c Twilight's baby niece princess turns out to be a living weapon that accidentally destroyed her own heritage and future: the Crystal Heart. Really? Could this day get any worse? Well at least the little one didn't seem capable of much more than teleportation and a few dangerous light beams. I found out later on that she bawled the Crystal Heart into oblivion. Wow. I told Twilight about failing to win back Sunburst, about how I failed my lesson. I expected her to reject me as her student, honestly. But I had to go back to get Sunburst, cause his wizard powers may help us reconstitute the Crystal Heart. Great. More awkwardness and shame. When I got there, Sunburst was being so selfish! Too busy with his magic to help save the Crystal City-State? Really? I urged him to reconsider, and suddenly he confessed: he had never become a wizard. Ever. Woah, really? That was just awful! I knew he really cared about becoming one, even before he left for magic school. His peers at the school... how would they have treated his inability? Would he have been mocked and shamed and held in contempt? Oh, poor Sunburst... Turns out he became a scholar of magic instead, because he could do nothing beyond basic material telekinesis common to all Equestrian unicorns. At least he knew about magic, just not doing it himself. I felt so bad for him. But then he said 'how would you know how it feels?', insinuating my connection to the princess of friendship meant I must have led a blessed life. Uh. No. Do not talk to me about how great my life was. It wasn't. It was horrible, all of it. I couldn't contain my secrets anymore. I flew into a wild rant about all the pain and shame and guilt welling up in my heart and my mind for all these days! Spike later told me I may have been a bit blunt about my crazy dark past, but so what. It's better to show how messed up I was. Yet apparently, Sunburst was just impressed by my time travel. Or maybe he was still processing the insane information overload I laid on him. We both apologized to each other for losing touch. We both meant it too. We both had bad events and situations in our past. Honestly, I think my past was way more worse than his, but it did start due to over-reacting after all. Also Twilight did teach me to be mindful of what I say, for the sake of comfort or courtesy. I need to work on that more. Sunburst went on to save the day with all his immense magical knowledge, combining just the right rituals and spells to restore the Crystal Heart. Just as well that he did, I was feeling too exhausted from the social ordeals, though I did have to help fuse the heart back together. Standing there with Twilight, Celestia, and Luna, adding my strength to theirs. It was very intimidating. I could sense their magical power. Thankfully I didn't lose focus or panic. Sunburst seemed much happier after the ordeal was over. At least we are friends again now. That does make me happy, too. Even Celestia praised his intellect and skill. Wow! We both said our goodbyes, and we went back to our own lives. Spike had a talk on the train with Twilight, who seemed a bit worried still. Maybe about me? I'm not sure what they were saying, but Twilight was all smiles by time he finished. That dragon is a good dragon. Came back home, everypony decided to rest and relax. I choose to do an absurdly long multi-part diary entry, heheh. Well, first friendship lesson is now completed: rekindling friendship with Sunburst. Thank you Spike for your help, and thank you Twilight for your guidance. Maybe I can become a good pony of friendship after all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~