//------------------------------// // A mare walks into a bar // Story: Ponyville Tourism // by UnluckyReaver //------------------------------// “You OK there?” Lyra asked her drinking buddy. “You’ve been going at this pretty hard.” “This is not hard.” Nathan answered. “I’ve never drink hard.” “Yes you do. You are right now.” “No. It only looks that way from your perspective. I am a human, and as such I can drink so much more that you can.” “That can’t be true.” “Maybe not, but pony alcohol is weak. Far weaker than even the weakest of human brews!” “Really?” Lyra deadpanned, not believing the human. “Really. Even our water has more of a kick then your liquor does.” “Come on, that’s the third pitcher you’ve put away since I walked in. What’s got you so down?” “Down? I’m not down, I’m terrific; it’s not like all of my work for the last month was wasted or anything.” Nathan replied, then looked at the empty pitcher. “That’s not right. Barkeep! More!” “Yes, I know that part,” Lyra rolled her eyes. “I want to know why.” “Why? There is no why. We are the amber of the moment. Nothing more I will teach you today.” “Which famous human are you quoting now?” “Yoda Vonnegut.” “Humans are strange. You’re strange.” “Says the anthropony. Where do you come from?!” “Well, when a stallion and a mare love each other…” Lyra teased. “That’s not what I mean. Why are there small, quadruped ponies like Pinkie Pie if there is also bipedal ponies like you.” “Magic?” “Magic is a stupid answer.” “Alcohol?” “Yes… that is the answer. Alcohol makes everything work. I require more.” Nathan nodded as he tried to get the bartender’s attention once again. “So, why did happen?” “I turned in my article on Ponyville tourism.” “And?” “He said it was the most astounding work of fiction he’s ever seen; and then went on to say if I was not going to take my job seriously, he would find somepony else that would.” “What did you say?” “Let me think…” Nathan took a long swig out of the pitcher he was drinking directly from. “I started simply, talked about how Ponyville is a nice quiet community. Lots of lovely scenery and nature for the artist. Talked about the various hiking trails and campgrounds for the outdoorsy types. Then for the athletes out there, I talked about the fields and lakes, and open skies.” “That sounds nice.” “Then I added a bit about how this was the hometown of Rainbow Dash, the first griffon to be accepted into the Wonderbolts.” “What’s wrong with that?” “That’s what I said. Anyway, the next part I talked about the town itself, the places to eat, where to stay, the places to visit. I listed off several must see places; that one bakery run by the changeling family…” “Sugar Cube Corner?” “Yup, that one. I brought up Sweet Apple Acres, and the best time to visit them is during cider season, but only if you are willing to arrive early and spend you entire day there.” “What’s wrong with that?” “I don’t know, maybe Equestrian Tourism has a thing against werewolves. For the animal lovers out there, I talked about how the local vampony, Fluttershy, has opened a small petting zoo.” “You didn’t!” “It was here idea. Something about needing to be more confident with strangers, and really needing the money. For the more sophisticated and upper class, I talked about Carousel Boutique and how this was the original one that Rarity founded was right here.” “That didn’t go over well?” “Not at all. I would have thought that an arachnopony as famous as Rarity is would be a big draw. I was wrong. Finally I talked about that tree-castle-thing that the resident princess calls home. How it somehow grew from the ground, and now Princess Friendship and the Heroes of Friendship all gather there for important Friendship stuff.” “Really?” “That and how the palace’s tour guide is a ‘miniature dragon’.” “Miniature dragon’?” “I was going to say giant lizard, but Spike is cool, even if he is just a lizard with dragon aspirations.” “Wait, you didn’t tell them about Princess Twilight, did you?” “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I called her an alicorn.” “Nathan….” Lyra glared at the human “Look, I’m not stupid. I’m not going to reveal the national secret that she’s actually a sapient shade of purple.” “Good.” “She wants to do it herself.” “What?” “Yeah, it’s the highlight of the tour.” Lyra facepalmed. “Of course it is.” “You should go, it’s quite the experience.” “Yeah… no.” “Your loss. Next, I hit the big one; the Everfree Forest. I went on and on how scary it was. How only the most adventureful,” “Most adventureful?” “Most bravest,” “Really?” “And the most without the fear of being eaten alive should go there.” “Are you sure they didn’t want you to fix your grammar?” “I said if they were of the true explorer spirit they would venture into the trees and find the old castle of the two sisters; now currently occupied by the disembodied spirit of Nightmare Moon.” “You said that?” “I do not lie whist informing the general public of great tour and adventure locations.” Nathan deadpanned before draining the pitcher. “It would be morally incorrect to do so.” “Finally, I finished the whole article about the numerous events, public celebrations, and occasional monster attack.” “So, what are you going to do?” Lyra asked. “I don’t now. They have some editor changing the whole thing!” “Really? That doesn't seem fair.” "Nope. Not only that, but they are reducing my word count." "By how much?" “One.” Nathan held up one finger. “One? That doesn't seem so bad." "No, not by one, down two one." "What?" “Yup.” “What does it say now?” “Unremarkable.” “Unremarkable?” “Un...re....markable.” “You’re drunk.” “Drunkenness only enhances the truth!” “Now you’re being ridiculous.” Lyra groaned. “You want ridiculous? I’ll give you ridiculous!” Nathan dropped a dozen or so bits onto the counter then marched out the door. Lyra blinked, the quickly chased after him. The anthropony found her human friend in the middle of the street holding Pinkie Pie in his arms. “What are you doing?” Lyra demand. “Here you go.” Nathan said, dropping Pinkie Pie into the anthropony’s arms. “Why are you giving me Pinkie Pie?” Lyra asked. “Easy, you wanted ridiculous, so I gave it to you.” “She’s ridiculous?”/”I’m ridiculous?” Lyra and Pinkie asked at the same time. “Yes. In a town full of anthro, aracnoi, werewolves, vampony, satyrs, minotaurs, lizards and sapient colours, why are you the only normal pony?”