//------------------------------// // Chapter 28: Cut to the Joke // Story: Relationships are Evil // by TheTimeSword //------------------------------// The Ponyville Hive looked close to completion from the outside. Windows had been carved out and placed without glass, the walls were slowly being painted with colors of auburn and a light red, and the walkway was being finished leading down to the stone path. The inside told a different story. The plentiful windows shined light through the wooden beams, scaffolding, and unfinished walls. Though most bedrooms had their frames set up, they were still empty except for the studs to hold them in place. Workers moved tools and wood around, building the bedrooms, kitchen area, storage, queen’s room, and many more spaces for recreation. The building had been constructed far quicker due to the ample amount of help from some of the ex-villains. Discord himself had been part of the construction for today, and with his help, many of the workers could move on to other parts of the project. Even Starlight was impressed with how helpful he had been. However, the sun was soon to set and the draconequus had been working long enough. Even the Lord of Chaos deserved a break. Discord placed his hammer down and removed his hard hat, handing it off to Starlight like a coat rack. He gave a cackle as he walked away. His mischievous grin remained facing her as he headed to the door. Just as he reached the exit, a purple alicorn trotted through with her eyes planted on the construction map she held. The paper crunched between them as they ran into each other. The alicorn fell to her rump and yelled, “Watch where you’re going!” “Me? You’re the one with her muzzle in the paper clouds,” Discord said, “Though it’s good that I bumped into you. Pun intended.” “Oh?” she said as she rolled up the blueprints. “And why’s that?” He flicked his wrist and a paper appeared in his eagle’s claw. “Well, I’ve got a show tonight and I was hoping you might come along. It’s been a while so-” “A show?” she interrupted. She looked at the paper and saw the Club Chaos name flashing in white and yellow above Discord’s name. “What show could you possibly do?” she asked with a condescending tone and smirk. The draconequus rolled his eyes so hard they popped out of his head and into his other hand. “I am a comedian. A purveyor of jokes. Did you not expect the Spirit of Disharmony to house a day job? How else do you expect me to pay rent to Fluttershy? She’s a tough landlord!” Twilight raised an eyebrow and her muzzle scrunched up. She wasn’t quite sure if Fluttershy charged rent, but she was interested in this supposed career of Discord’s. “Well, I was supposed to take off to help with the preparations for the Running of the Leaves, but I came to see if Starlight could handle it instead. If I blow that off then who will be here to manage the workers? Who will see to the preparations?” She levitated the blueprints over to a bench and turned her back to the draconequus. “What time is your show, anyway?” she asked as she placed a hard hat on her head. He grabbed the hard hat and tossed it back onto the bench. “In about thirty minutes.” The alicorn’s mouth shot open and her head slumped to a tilt. “You’re inviting me thirty minutes prior to the event!? T-That’s not enough time! There’s no way you can-” Discord snapped his fingers and a black coat and red tie appeared on his torso. “Do you even know who you’re talking to?” he asked, a toothy grin on his face. With a groan, Twilight said, “Fine. Fine! I’ll put aside the preparations and Starlight can manage the workers here. But you owe me. This comedy act better put me in stitches.” The draconequus raised a finger and she cut him off before he could say another word. “I swear if you touch me with a needle I’ll send you to Tartarus myself.” He shrugged, and with another snap of his fingers they were gone. A moment later and they reappeared in an unfamiliar place for Twilight. Her eyes reflected the strange goo-like nothingness that replaced the sun. As she stared out, she took a step forward and felt nothing underneath her. She had almost fallen from the grassy platform they had appeared on. Their platform was just an island in the middle of nothingness. Other floating islands were scattered about in the distance. She turned back and saw a large building with stone pathways, garbage along the side, a strangely tall entrance, and a few creatures standing outside. Club Chaos glowed on a sign above the entrance. One piece of living existence in a realm of insanity. “D-Discord?” she called out as she looked around for a moment. Like a dog, he grabbed her but the scruff of her neck, hoisting her into the air. “You forget who I am, you forget you have wings, what’s next? Forgetting you like books? No, no, that would never happen.” She struggled from his grasp, breaking free and floating in the air next to him. “Well, no matter. Once we’re inside you won’t have to worry about falling, except for me and my amazing performance, of course,” he chuckled. “What is this place? Where are we?” “Home sweet home. A place full of chaos that I’ve created. Unfortunately, guests showed up over time and built places like this. That or they were accidentally brought in.” He signed to the building in front of them where the entrance line was shortening. “Not that I mind. They quite enjoy my act and don’t cost me any utilities! Plus, Ted makes a really great club soda.” Twilight floated down to the ground. “So, you really are putting on a comedy show?” She eyed one of the creatures that stood outside. It seemed to be a brightly colored fish with a black leg shooting out from its bottom. The creature wiggled its toes as it noticed the purple alicorn staring. Twilight realized what she was doing and quickly looked away. “Do you, uh, want to give me a tour?” Discord shook his head. “Through the front entrance? I am a performer! An entertainer! No, no. We’ll enter from the back! A star can never enter with the commoners!” They walked along the side through an alleyway that was between the bar and another structure made of brick. The second building seemed to be torn in half – as if the club and it had been ripped straight up from a city but part of it didn’t make it. This alley also had a dumpster with a small, green creature throwing newspapers around from inside. It didn’t even seem to notice the two as they passed, simply grunting and tossing the garbage around. Once they reached the back, Discord grabbed open the door and lead Twilight through the dim hall. Painted cardboard trees lined the path with random pictures of creatures strung on the walls. Another door with Discord’s name on it was an offshoot of this hall. The draconequus unlocked the door with a key and went inside, Twilight following closely behind. The room held a red couch, a large mirror, a television, and a dresser drawer. A guitar hung on the wall over the couch with several signatures on it. The television had a bowling ball on the inside, past broken glass. A pair of extremely large panties sat outstretched upon the dresser drawer like a table cloth. Discord stood at the mirror, attempting to fix his tie and polish his horns. Twilight took a seat as she waited for Discord to show her around. It wasn’t nearly as dark as it was in the hallway and she could clearly see the grime and filth on the carpeted floor. As she sat quietly on the couch, it began to rumble and growl. She hopped off faster than lightning and saw the cushions she had been sitting on begin to move. “’Ey! What’s the big idea!?” Two eyes opened on each arm of the sofa and the cushions moved as it spoke. “Oh, sorry Twilight. I should have told you not to sit on him as we came in,” Discord mentioned as he stared at the reflection, smiling all the while. “A-A-A talking couch!?” she screamed. “A talkin’ horse!?” it yelled in reply. “You bring in some strange creatures, D.” Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes. Discord placed a paw on her shoulder and introduced her to the couch. “This is Princess Twilight Sparkle. She’s my, uh, friend.” “You got otha friends then me, D? That’s a surprise. Pleasure to meetcha Ms. Sparkle. The name’s Bridgewater. You sit on me again and I’ll make sure that horn is shoved in-between your cushions if you catch my meanin’.” Discord held back his laughter as Twilight backed away. She was unsure how chaotic and volatile natured the couch could be and decided it best to show respect. “Pleased to meet you as well, er… Mr. Bridgewater.” “Mr. Bridgewater? Shoot, that was my father’s name. Or it would have been if he hadn’t been turned into a futon. That was a dark day. Real shame.” The couch then seemed to move all on its own, heading slowly for the door. “I’ll get outta ya hair, D. You and your uh friend can have some privacy,” it said, chuckling. As it squeezed out of the doorway it bumped into another strange looking creature. “’Ey! I’m walkin’ ‘ere!” the couch yelled. Discord closed the door and turned to the alicorn. His smug smile faded as he saw the mare shaking with a nervous twitch. “What’s wrong, Twilight?” he asked as he kneeled in front of her. Her head sunk down as she gave a sigh. “This realm, this place. It’s so different from what I’m used to. Please tell me nothing else I sit on tonight will come alive.” His mouth opened to make a joke but she slammed it shut with her magic. “And keep your jokes to the stage, I’m on edge enough as it is without your nonsense. Speaking of which, aren’t you supposed to be out there already?” “It’s almost time,” he replied as he looked at his hand which had become a clock. “You better go out and find a seat while I finish getting ready.” He rose up and walked to the door. “Just head back down the hall we came in from and head right. It’ll lead you out into the seating area.” Twilight did as she was told, though only after a bit more coercing. As she traveled back down the dim hall she discovered why it was so hazy. Smoke filled the air above her, blocking the light. She followed the smoke down another hall and she found herself passing through a doorway that was covered in beads. They smacked against each other, making noise as she stepped into the bar area. The stage sat opposite the bar with many tables and chairs sitting in-between. Stairs to the left of the bar went up to another seating area, and a door sat between this set of stairs and the bar. Many of the tables were already taken but she managed to find an empty one that was the furthest away from the stage. The smoke was worse in this room but the ceiling was further away. The ceiling fans did nothing to help remove it either. Twilight stared out into the cloudy room, getting a fuzzy eye for all the strange entities that waited for Discord’s performance. She saw the footed fish across the way at a table with an orange cat. The cat wasn’t a normal cat though. Instead, she was bipedal like Discord and was much taller than the fish. She also seemed to be the source of the smoke as she held a very long cigarette, bellowing smoke from one end. Another table sat a square robot that had a lightbulb for a head, or at least she assumed that was its head. A table that sat closer to the stage had another two bipedal creatures with white faces. One had slicked back green hair with a purple suit and the other had a red and black outfit with playing card symbols. At the bar, a pony-like creature that was made of pink ooze, a skeleton of a pony with a blue hoodie on, and a bear sat together. The skeletal pony seemed to make a joke and the bear scoffed. Twilight could hear it say “Well I never!” as it got up and walked across the room to sit at a different table. It was such an odd turnout but seemed practically normal for a show where Discord was the star. She wondered if the upstairs tables held even stranger beings. Discord was practically normal compared to the creatures here. “Is this seat taken?” she was asked. A giant piece of broccoli stood at the opposite side of her table, grabbing onto the open chair. It had no eyes but did have a mouth, which seemed too smiley for her taste. “N-No. Go right ahead,” she replied, courteously. The broccoli grabbed the chair and raised it above its flowered head. “WOOHOO!” it yelled as it ran away, only to be stopped a second later as a blue minotaur entered, punching the broccoli to the ground. The minotaur had a shirt with security written on the front in white, bold lettering. Another minotaur, this one red, showed up out of nowhere and helped with the beating. The two minotaurs dragged the broccoli out of the room but only after breaking the chair on the broccoli’s head. Twilight watched in horror but then looked around the room, noticing that no one seemed to care. She assumed that it would not be the last strange thing she’d see before the night was over. The nervous sweating she had been doing was causing her mouth to become parched. She quickly took the bear’s seat and waited for the bartender to serve her, hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with another creepy, oversized vegetable. The bartender was a strange creature with brown hair and tan skin. It was wiping down the counter with a torn rag when it noticed Twilight. The creature walked over and pulled out a piece of paper from its flannel shirt. “What can I get you, hun?” it asked with a deep, masculine voice. “D-Do you serve water?” she asked, unsure if she could even pay for anything. The creature frowned and grabbed a glass from underneath the counter. It poured water from the sink into the glass and dropped a straw in before handing it off to the mare. “Here you go. If you need anything stronger, just holler. The name’s Danson,” he said before wandering off. As Twilight sipped on the water, hoping for it to taste as normal as water could, the overhead lights began to soften. She turned around in her stool and watched as spotlights ran their focus to the stage. The crowd of creatures silenced themselves as an announcer spoke. “Ladies and gentlemen! Quarkers and quarkets! Robots and everyone else in this rainbow colored spectrum of ugly monstrosities – I’m talking about you, Ted! Feast your eyes, mouths, or whatever optical sensors you use to see – the one, the only, you know him, you love him…” The curtain raised up revealing the draconequus. “The Lord of Chaos and all things badly behaved – Discord!” The crowd’s applause seemed to deafen the room as many of the creatures clapped whatever they could. The fish stomped its foot, the ooze seemed to smack its hooves together, and the robot’s lightbulb flashed off and on. The cat lady looked as if she smiled at the sight of Discord, still holding the cigarette firmly between two of her fingers. Even the bear seemed to cheer up as the show started. As the room began to settle, Discord tapped his microphone and said, “Hello everyone! It’s good to be here tonight. I actually thought of canceling because I was feeling really hurt by a pony friend of mine. I was telling her about the show and how I do comedy and she didn’t seem to believe me.” Twilight realized immediately who he was talking about and saw his distraught expression. “I told her I could prove it, I could tell her a joke.” Twilight’s face held a state of confusion as she tried to figure out why he was lying. He didn’t tell a joke earlier, not one that she could remember. “So I told her a joke. This is what I told her,” Discord said, “Two horses walk into a bar and scream neigh. Get it? A bar? Well, she found that OFFENSIVE! So I began to tell her the one where two horses have their heads stuck between a picket fence. You know what? She found that one to be un-bar-able.” The crowd seemed to roar in laughter and even Twilight snickered. “I just can’t win with her.” “I’ve been hanging around on a little plane of existence called Equestria for a while now,” he continued on. “But it’s good to be back here in the chaos dimension where I don’t have to worry about the time or day or finishing my train of thou-” He stopped mid-sentence and stared out into the crowd, his eyes unflinching. “Oh snap, is that garlic bread?” he asked, causing the audience to giggle. “Speaking of garlic bread, I once had a friend who choked to death on the stuff. I called a doctor to see what I should do and he asked me to make sure my friend was really dead. I went over, snapped the guy’s neck, and then asked ‘What now?’” The audience loved Discord’s sense of humor. Twilight gave a sigh of relief, her fear subsiding. “I had assumed Discord was lying about him being a good comedian,” she whispered to herself. “I guess the jokes on me. Everybody loves him.” “I see we have the clown prince of-” Just as Discord seemed to point down to the white-faced creature in the front, he lifts his finger to point at the bar “-slime.” The rest of the crowd laughs except for the first creature who had slumped down with his arms crossed. “Don’t get all upset there J-Dog,” Discord said. “I tell you, folks, don’t cross this guy otherwise you’ll end up sleeping with the fishes. And no one wants to sleep with Randy, trust me.” The fish with the lone leg hooted and hollered and then yelled, “It’s true! I’m so alone!” “Speaking of being alone, right now I have a roommate who has a lot of pets. I get along well with some of them but they always seem to ignore me, except for this one dog. I’ve never had a problem with dogs so I try to be as nice to it as possible. When I finally think we’re making a connection I go and try to hold its paw. It immediately pulls away so I have to act like I was reaching for my contacts and can’t find them.” He gives a shrug as he lets the audience die down their laughter. “Worst part is I think he told the other animals. Every day one of them try to use my hand in a different way. Things got real awkward real fast when I went down to the farm.” Though many of his jokes flowed easily, Twilight soon felt like an outsider to the rest of the audience. They laughed as she sat quietly. The jokes Discord told weren’t bad but referenced things that she had no idea what were. “So I said, you only dislike me. There are others in the cosmos who truly despise me. Of course, that’s right when the space cops showed up.” Nothing seemed quite right with his jokes but the crowd swelled with their own laughter. Twilight couldn’t even feign a smile, but even the snobby bear found the jokes to be amusing. Discord sang the next few punchlines, which were entertaining in their own right, but still, Twilight sat with a troubled look. She began to wonder if that’s why his jokes always fell flat around her and her friends. Everything except for his visual gags were out of their world and into something completely, totally, and absolutely chaotic. “And can you believe it? I made the machine say forty-two!” he yelled and the crowd almost lost their minds. Twilight gave a sigh of relief as the draconequus went to close out the show. “Well, you all have been great folks. Remember to tip your waitress!” As he said it, a second Discord appeared in a staff outfit, serving out drinks to members of the audience. “And stop trying to grab my rump, Bulby,” he said and pointed at the robot. The robot’s bulb lit up and then burst into pieces, causing everyone to laugh. “Goodnight everybody!” The spotlights shut off on the stage and the lights on the ceiling brightened. The crowd of creatures rose up from their seats, giving Discord a standing ovation. Twilight cheered with the others of the audience before it began to die down. With the show over, many of the creatures seemed to pile out of the club while only a few stayed behind. Twilight waited for Discord at the bar but the draconequus failed to show up. Once she finished her water, she got up from the stool and began making her way to the back rooms. Smoke seemed to pour out from beyond the beads like a campfire had been set ablaze. Smoke wasn’t the only thing coming from down the hall – echoed shouts followed close behind. Twilight trotted up to Discord’s door and saw that smoke was rising from the crack at the bottom. Another shout came from a feminine voice, forcing Twilight to turn the knob. The door wouldn’t open, it was locked. Using her magic, she turned the other side of the knob and swung the door open. The orange cat lady turned to face the alicorn with a snide look on her face. Her white whiskers moved to each side of her frowning mouth, sizing up the mare. Discord stood behind the cat lady with a fearful look in his eyes and his hands outstretched from his body. “Sorry, Discord’s busy,” the cat said with a growl and a hiss in her voice. “Busy, huh? Well, that’s too bad because I’m Discord’s manager and any business with him will have to wait,” Twilight responded with her own fierceness. Her eyes skimmed across the cat. She was much taller than what she appeared at the table, her head almost hitting the ceiling. Discord paled in comparison to the full-length feline. “You best run off little pony.” Claws shot out from the cat’s fingers. “If you know what’s good for you.” Discord moved forward and placed his eagle claw on the cat’s shoulder, but the cat swung it off. “I’m not leaving until I get what I want.” Twilight stepped forward with her horn ready. “And what it is you want?” The feline smirked. “I want-” She grabbed Discord by the neck and rubbed a hand down his torso “-him.” Twilight wasn’t surprised by her answer, the body language of the cat had already articulated that much. But Discord didn’t seem to want her in the same way. His morose expression was enough for Twilight. “Sorry. The draconequus is mine. Go get your own.” She then grabbed Discord with her magic and tugged him across the room. “You?” the cat said as she grabbed Discord’s other arm. “Don’t make me laugh. You could never satisfy a performer such as Discord. He is a true artist, a genius in his own right!” “He’s a clown! And he’s my clown!” Twilight yelled in response. They pulled and tugged on the Lord of Chaos until he started to rip straight down the middle. Instead of continuing the struggle, Twilight let go of Discord and began levitating the cat. Discord fell to the floor as the feline was pushed to the ceiling. “This little game is over,” Twilight said as she sent the cat down to the floor, then to the ceiling, then to the floor, and then out the door. “Beat it, hairball!” she yelled as she slammed shut the door. Discord drew to his feet, holding onto the dresser as he rose. “Wow. You really gave her a wallop!” he chuckled. “Thanks for your help. She was getting a little too handsy for my liking, so you showed up just in time. A second later and I’d be hacking up fur balls.” “I was more than happy to take care of that pushy cat. Nobody hurts my friends. Do you get fans coming to your room often?” He shook his head. “Not fans as persistent as her, that’s for sure. Mostly they come to give me gifts, though sometimes the gifts can be a little odd.” He then levitated the large underwear from the dresser. “Being popular has its ups and downs.” She looked at the television that held the bowling ball. “It would appear so.” “Oh, that thing? Pfft, the seventies,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Did you enjoy the show at least?” “Well, yes and no. To be honest, I started to lose track of how many jokes made little sense to me. I thought it was just because the jokes were bad but then I realized that it might be me who was in the wrong. It got me thinking, maybe that’s why your comedy sometimes falls flat in Equestria,” she answered with honesty. “I was very impressed how you managed to keep the audience in stitches for so long. Pinkie’s the only other one that I know who can do something like that. You’ve definitely got some talent.” “I do have to say that my Equestrian jokes leave me a little hoarse,” he strummed his fingers against his face. “You ponies rarely take jokes well. Remember that time I was going to transform you into a stick in the mud? Oh boy, that fire in your eyes would rip a phonebook in two, that’s for sure.” “You really want to bring that up after seeing what I did to that cat?” Twilight’s lips curled into a smile as she hid her anger. “We should be going now before I have to fight off any more of your fans.” “Going?” he questioned as he stroked his beard. “I’ve got a better idea! Do you wanna see where I live?” The question was a bit odd to Twilight. Her eyes squinted as she stared him down, trying to figure out if he had a tricky plan up his sleeve. “Personally, I always avoid going home with strange stallions I meet at the bar, but I suppose a quick peek wouldn’t hurt. Though if your home is as chaotic as you then I don’t think I’ll want to be there for long.” Discord clapped his hands excitedly. “You’ll be the first guest I’ve had in over a thousand years!” He grabbed the alicorn and placed her under his armpit, carrying her out into the hall – the cat lay dizzily against the opposite wall. The beads clattered behind them as they entered the almost empty bar. Ted waved the two off as they stepped past the set of minotaurs, heading out the entrance. Another minotaur, this one green, stood as bouncer to the club. “Sorry about all the ruckus tonight, Mr. Cordial,” the minotaur said, “Always got a couple of crazies whenever you’re around.” Twilight almost scoffed aloud at the thought of craziness being around Discord and not the other way around. Discord let her go as he turned to chat with the green fellow. She flapped her wings to the edge of the island, staring out into the abyss of the bizarre world around her. A flock of seagulls passed by – traveling backwards. A giant apple bore leaves of trees on an island that held no dirt. For a second, she could have sworn she saw Discord in the distance, dancing with a white-furred pony. None of it made any sense. “Ready?” the draconequus asked. She had been so consumed by the environment that his question startled her. He stared at her for a moment and saw the panicked embarrassment running across her face. “Hmm,” he hummed, glancing over the mare as she regained her composure. The look that had been in her eyes was one he’d seen before, it was a fearful glimpse. “Actually, we should go at another time. It’s been a long day and I’m rather tired.” He feigned a yawn and miniature tires came flying from his mouth. “No, it’s-” Twilight stopped herself. She knew Discord, he was never tired of something unless it bored him. She also knew he wouldn’t put up with her if she was the one boring him, and that clearly wasn’t it. “Okay,” she replied, smiling at the draconequus. “How about we head back to my place, instead?” As he rolled up his sleeves, Discord leaned down and said, “Keep all hooves and noses inside the track at all times for fear of losing them.” With a snap of his fingers, the world around them dissipated and transformed into the castle library. “Oh shoot,” he said as he looked around. “I was aiming for the bedroom. I really need to get this thing calibrated.” As he shook his hand, a dog, a red ball, and some corn flakes fell out. “Discord…” He looked up from his hand to see the alicorn staring at him. Her eyes were soft and round and stared directly at him. He had never seen that look before, nor had he seen her bite her lip for anything other than to hold back a scolding. It was a sight that sparked a chaotic chill down his spine. Something was out of the ordinary, something wasn’t right. “Uh, y-yes?” he answered with a hushed tone. “You’re sweet.” Those two little words sent Discord’s heart into his throat. “W-What?” he asked. “What did I do?” Twilight didn’t answer his question. She knew what he had done and that was enough. Instead, she shook her head and smiled. Her wings flapped for a moment as she floated up to match his height. A peck on the lips was a good enough answer for Discord. “How about I help you write some jokes about us ponies? I may not be a comedian and I’m certainly no Pinkie Pie, but I think I may be able to help. If you can get me to laugh then there’s nothing you can’t do.” Discord stood completely still – as if he had been turned to stone for a third time. It was only a quick kiss but it was more than he had expected and was better than a scolding from an angry alicorn. “W-Well,” he coughed. “I suppose if there are more kisses then I can’t argue against the help.” “Hey, maybe with my help, one day I might actually find you funny.” He raised a claw to dispute but was silenced by her laughter. His frown turned into a smile and then he found himself laughing as well. “Very funny,” he replied. “But a good rule in comedy to remember is…” He grabbed her with both hands, pulling her close. “Always get the last laugh.” His mouth met hers and she did not fight back, giving into the gentle touch of his lips. It was a while before they said another word to each other, and even longer before they would say a complete sentence.