//------------------------------// // At Least It’s Better Than a Harem // Story: Nock One Up // by Pony with a Pen //------------------------------// When Captain Bronze Lance received his promotion and all the duties associated with it, he didn’t picture this moment. Informing a stallion that he now held the position of “Personal Bed-buddy of the Princesses” didn’t exactly fit his job description. Private Arrow sat quietly on the opposite side of Bronze’s desk while the captain thought of how to begin this terrifyingly uncomfortable conversation. Outside the office, ponies hustled and bustled about, oblivious of his dreadful predicament. Since sending the missive requesting Arrow’s presence this morning, Bronze Lance had done nothing but sit at his desk and agonize over this coming moment. Sighing, Captain Bronze Lance hung his head in defeat. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could visit his cardiologist. “I realize this is your day off, so I’ll be brief. We’re reassigning you.” Private Long Arrow’s back straightened reflexively. “Sir?” “Before you ask,” Bronze Lance said reassuringly, “no, it’s not because of your performance. You’ve more than earned your position in the castle. The Princesses and I simply believe this new arrangement will be more…” He tapped his hooves together nervously. “Convenient.” Arrow blinked, but otherwise didn’t move. “Private, I spoke with the Princesses today about certain… things I’ve noticed and offered them a suggestion; they decided to go ahead with it. I’ll sort out the paperwork later, but effective immediately, you are under the direct command of the Princesses. Your new official title is ‘Royal Protector of the Sisters,’ and your rank is equivalent to lieutenant.” Also, your unofficial title is “Celestia and Luna’s Personal Gigolo.” Bronze placed his head in a hoof and prayed to the gods for mercy, or at the very least, a swift death. He was enabling the Princesses’ illicit lover—on Their Highnesses’ orders, no less. If that didn’t secure his spot in Tartarus, then Tirek must be sitting on a beach and sipping martinis in the afterlife right now. “If I may ask, Sir, what prompted this?” Long Arrow asked. “I graduated from the academy less than a year ago, and I’ve only been here for a few weeks.” Was he trying to make this awkward? Did he want Bronze to just blurt out, “You earned it when you had super-happy-adult-fun-time with Their Highness,” is that what he wanted it to come to? “It’s come to our attention that you have a special relationship with the Princesses,” Captain Lance emphasized. “It’s not special,” Arrow replied. “Sir, the Princesses treat all of us equally—with kindness and respect.” Bronze Lance coughed awkwardly as he thought of how to respond. This stallion either couldn’t take a hint, or had no idea that stuffin’ the muffin with the Princesses wasn’t part of his duties as a Royal Guard. “There’s no need to be modest, Private. We’re aware of the… uh, rapport you have with Their Highnesses.” After all, not every stallion in the Royal Guard went on private trips to the Crystal Empire with Luna or slept in Celestia’s bed. “I… see?” “Yes.” Bronze Lance steepled his hooves as he continued. “When you report for duty tomorrow, you’ll be issued a new set of armor and given your updated duty roster.” He was fairly certain that Private Arrow’s old set of armor was still scattered across Celestia’s bedroom floor. “In the meantime, here’s your new access pass.” “Thank you, Sir,” Arrow said as he picked up the card Bronze slid over to him. “That pass will allow you to move freely about the castle, including the castle’s restricted areas. In more sensitive sections of the palace, guards may ask for written or verbal approval from one of the Princesses before allowing you to pass. Although, most of the time, all you need to do is explain why you need clearance. Guards won’t hassle you anywhere else in the castle if you flash that access pass.” Long Arrow looked over the card, flipping it around in his hoof. “Permission to speak freely, Sir?” “Granted,” Bronze replied as he set his forehooves on the desk and leaned forward. “Isn’t this a breach of security?” Captain Bronze Lance lowered his head into his hooves and rubbed his temples. “I appreciate your concern, Private, but I assure you, this is not a breach of security and will not result in one.” Horse apples. It was absolutely a breach of security. Giving some rookie full access to one of Equestria’s most important buildings didn’t sit well with the captain. He trusted his guards, but this still presented a major security hazard—not that Their Highnesses cared—and it only got worse when Luna made her suggestion. “Now, continuing on, your access pass also functions as a credit line to the royal treasury. Every purchase you make with credit will be tracked and must be approved by the Princesses at the end of the month. You’ll have to pay back the treasury for whatever expenses aren’t approved.” Secretly, Bronze Lance hoped that the list of expenses wouldn’t consist of condoms, socks, alcohol, and edible panties, but he knew that it probably would. The Princesses would likely approve all of them. “Do you have any questions?” Bronze Lance asked indifferently. “Yes, Sir. I don’t under—” “Good,” Bronze interrupted. “So does everypony else in Equestria. Dismissed.” Long Arrow’s mouth hung open, mid-sentence. For a moment, he sat in his stair with a hoof raised, uncertain of how to respond. Hesitantly, he stood, saluted, and left the room with a confused look in his eyes. Captain Bronze Lance shuffled through the papers on his desk, trying to look busy as Arrow exited his office and ponies looked in through the open door. When the door finally closed again, signaling the end of his meeting with Private Arrow, Bronze leaned back in his chair with a sigh and stared at the ceiling. Shining Armor never had to deal with this. “Does Long Arrow’s plot belong to us yet?” “Okay, Luna,” Celestia said with a sigh. “For the last time, out meeting with Captain Lance did not involve the ownership of anypony’s plot. Arrow’s plot belongs to Arrow, not the Royal Guard, and not us.” The Sisters sat in Luna’s bedroom, enjoying the late afternoon sun as it streamed through the open balcony doors. A breeze drifted through the room, carrying warm, fresh air and the scent of the castle’s garden. Celestia relaxed on a sitting pillow as she sipped her tea, while Luna reclined on a couch across from her. Cookie crumbs dotted Luna’s coat and muzzle, and a half-eaten bag of cookies rested on her chest. “Really? Give me ten minutes with him, and I can change that,” Luna replied, biting down on a chocolate chip cookie. “Five minutes if I’m allowed to use toys.” “I’m ignoring you,” Celestia said, rolling her eyes. “What you want to know is whether he’s been reassigned to us or not yet, and the answer is yes, I believe he has. The captain’s meeting with him should be over now, and Arrow will assume his new position tomorrow. “I still disapprove of calling Long Arrow in on his day off, but Bronze Lance was so determined to settle it today.” Celestia set her tea down, rolled onto her back, and stretched her hooves to the corners of the sitting pillow. “It’s unusual; he’s normally much more considerate of when ponies clock out for the week.” “I know,” Luna said. “I’m surprised that he actually got something done.” “Oh hush, Lulu,” Celestia said, closing her eyes as she bathed in the sunlight. “He gets more done in a week than you do in a month. You’re just upset that he doesn’t cater to your every whim like Shiny did while he was dating Cadence.” “Shining Armor did not ‘cater to my every whim.’ He took the wise advice of a being millennia older than him,” Luna retorted. “The Royal Guard is fat, lazy, and complacent. Before they were disbanded, the Equestrian military never would have allowed such disorganization and sloppiness in—” “Hot stallions,” Celestia interjected, flicking an eye open. “What?” Luna asked, confused. “You just miss watching all the stallions at the wargames and parades Shining Armor used to put on, don’t you?” I-I-I, wh-what?” Luna’s eyes darted around the room. “Th-that’s ridiculous!” “That’s why you don’t like Bronze, isn’t it? Because he doesn’t put on as many training events, so you don’t get to watch fit, sexy guards work their flanks for your enjoyment.” A bright pink blush spread over Luna’s cheeks as her eyes grew wide. Rolling onto her side, Celestia broke into a giggling fit. “Well, maybe Long Arrow can help you with that after I’m done with him tomorrow!” “Yeah, yeah, you get first turn. ‘Older Sister privilege’ or whatever,” Luna grumbled, waiting for her blush to fade. “It was unfair when we were fillies, Celly, and it’s unfair now.” “Unfair?” Celestia smiled incredulously. “Leaving me to deal with a stallion still under the effects of a sleeping enchantment is unfair. Arrow and I were supposed to spend the day together, but he was barely even conscious.” “Not my problem that you suck at sleeping enchantments,” Luna pouted. Choosing to pardon the insult, Celestia continued, “Be that as it may, it’s only fair that I get the first day with him in his new role, since I had to scrap my plans with him yesterday.” “Phfft, I bet you two won’t even do anything exciting tomorrow. What do you have planned, Sis? A wine tasting at some snobbish Canterlot art gallery?” Celestia smirked. “Yes, something like that.”