Chapter III
Knock First
Anon pushed the door open and walked into the hardware store, hands pocketed and the smell of sawdust and alcohol in the air for some reason. It was like a miniature version of Home Depot shoved in some guy's house. Anon looked over to the counter and saw an earth pony stallion with a light brown coat and a white mane.
"Windows and door again?" he asked.
"Just the windows," Anon replied, "Fixed the door this time," the stallion nodded and walked towards the aisle to retrieve a windowpane.
Anon leaned on a wall, crossed his arms and legs and closed his eyes. Today was a strange day, what will he do with a pony the size of a horse in his house? Discord isn't much of a problem, he moved in when he couldn't stand doing tea parties with Fluttershy anymore. The only problem is that Anon has to deal with Discord's bullshit like this morning when he poured chocolate milk into his orange juice he was enjoying at a restaurant. Which was empty because these ponies sorta fear him, some are fine with him and understand his intentions which are nice depending on the circumstances. Anon shook his head, 'Lemme tell you, OJ and chocolate milk are not good combinations,' he thought as he tried to think about how Discord managed to survive running purely on cotton candy and chocolate milk, 'He should be dead from diabetes.'
Anon heard the sound of clopping hooves as he opened his eyes. The stallion had come back with a crystal clear window and some rubber sealant on his back. Anon pocketed the sealant and pulled the window off of the stallion's back, "Thanks," Anon said as he fished out a sizeable bag of bits and handed it over to the stallion who nodded and went back to his counter. Anon looked at the window, he noticed the label indicating that it was magically resistant to anything, the price was fucking huge and he paid like nothing compared to this price. Anon looked over at the counter, the stallion was staring off into space, 'Fuck it,' Anon thought as he pushed it back home, it was pretty big.
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Anon backed up and looked at his work. The window looked as if no one had ever used it as an escape route and a doorway. Pulling out a hammer from somewhere, he threw it at the window. Instead of the hammer bouncing off harmlessly, it somehow shattered into pieces, iron and all, it just shattered, 'Fuckin' magic I swear,' he thought as he stared at the broken pieces, 'I'm not cleaning this up.'
Anon walked around to his front door and entered his house, Celestia still laying on the couch, tied up, looking up at him. The plate of chocolate cake was still sitting on the desk, 'Dammit, I forgot to put it in the fridge,' closing the door, he walked up, picked up the plate and headed for the kitchen.
"No, wait Anon! Can I have it?" Anon stopped at the doorway, looked at her in the eyes. Celestia could feel his eyes drilling into her as if he could see her soul, she can hide her emotions very well behind a mask but Anon was making her uncomfortable and she can feel it slipping.
"No," Anon calmly replied before disappearing into the kitchen.
Celestia's eyes shrunk, "Please, Anon! I'm famished!" Celestia pleaded. Her reply was a head of lettuce flying out of the kitchen and hitting her square in the face. Celestia rubbed her muzzle on the couch before looking at the edible plant in front of her. She scrunched up her face, she could eat this but she'd rather have a side of ranch or maybe some cake. Deciding this was all she was getting, she lowered her head and silently ate her food. At least it was better than nothing, maybe she'll get more later. She doubted that Anon will let her starve. Hopefully, she's correct. She jumped when the door was kicked down with a loud smash and an earth pony with a beige coat galloped in.
"Anon! One of the princesses was banished―" her eyes fell upon the tied up form of their ruler who gave a not convincing and nervous smile. Celestia hoped that this pony would not tell the press about this.
Anon came running out of the kitchen, his magnum drawn and pointed at the pony, the magical safety off. It was fucking Bon-Bon, "What the fuck are you doing?! I just fixed that door you ignorant Mongol-tard!"
Bon-Bon flinched at such an insult, whatever a Mongol-tard was, before regaining her composure and yelling back at Anon "You should explain why one of the princesses is in your house tied up!"
"First of all, learn to knock dammit, second, because she terrorized me at night while I was trying to read in peace!" Anon yelled, "And she was gonna assassinate me!" Celestia's face contorted to confusion. When did she try to murder Anon? She only knew of him since yesterday.
"What?! Why would the princess of Equestria try to kill you?!" she yelled.
"Remember that time two months ago?!" she held a hoof up to her chin before shaking her head, "When Celestia here fucking sent an entire battalion of guards here armed to the teeth?" her mouth formed and 'O' as she remembered, "Well, I bet that she came back to find me herself!"
Celestia was utterly confused, "What? When did I do that? I don't recall such a repugnant act."
Anon had lowered the weapon and threw it off to the side somewhere as the two stared at her, "Well, Celestia, Twilight sent you a letter saying a creature was attacking Ponyville, right?"
She hesitantly shook her head, not remembering any letters stating an attack, "Must've been Luna then..." he murmured. Anon had remembered seeing Celestia's guards instead of Luna's bat ponies, "Anyway that's when a huge ass bear that looked like Barney on steroids came into town and started wrecking the place."
Celestia tilted her head and looked at Bon-Bon who sighed and shook her head, "Ursa Major..." Celestia formed and 'O' with her mouth. Whatever Barney was, she did not know but it must be similar to an Ursa Major.
"What happened to it?" Celestia asked. She was currently wondering why she never got a letter on this. If Luna got it like Anon had just muttered, she was concerned on why her sister received the letter and she didn't and why didn't she receive any news until now.
"I kicked that motherfucker into orbit," Anon said as he gave the air a light kick to demonstrate his heroic deeds. Celestia tilted her head again in complete confusion and looked at Bon-Bon who shrugged with a foreleg.
"I don't know princess, it actually happened. I was there and saw it with my own eyes. It's probably dead orbiting Equus," Bon-Bon never expected Anon to actually do good once in his life that day. She expected Ponyville to be in ruins by the time Celestia's guards came. That was a strange day.
Celestia laid there, her mind processing the information. If Anon really did send an Ursa Major into Equus' atmosphere, what's going to stop him from sending Celestia to the moon or even sun? She shivered a little.
Bon-Bon turned and looked up at Anon, "Anyway Anon, now what? You have a princess tied up in your house. If ponies weren't scared of you before, they'll be now if they discover her."
Anon shrugged, "I dunno, but I'm keeping her. Serves Luna right for trying to kill me."
"What? Anon you can't keep the princess in your house tied up!"
"Who says I can't?"
"Uh, Princess Luna, maybe?"
"Fuck her, I don't give a shit, I'm taking Celestia as payment for sending guards and traumatizing me," Celestia's face scrunched up, she was apparently worth something now.
Bon-Bon sighed before Anon spoke again, "And don't tell anyone about this," he added.
Bon-Bon stared up at Anon, "If I do?"
"Then you'll be joining Barney," he said whilst pointing towards the ceiling.
Seeing Anon's face, which looked like he wanted to do it for fun, Bon-Bon gave a nervous smile, "Oookkkayyy, I'll, uh, I'll see you at work on Tuesday then..." she said as she backed out and galloped away. Anon somehow got a job here in this place, maybe because he saved Ponyville once from that oversized bear. Of course, Discord could've just made everything he wanted appear out of thin air so Anon didn't have to constantly pay for anything but Anon didn't want to become a lazy anti-social little shit that lives in complete isolation.
"Anon," Celestia said. Anon turned his head to look at her, "Why did you assume that I sent out guards to murder you?"
"Well, because those ponies that tried to kill me were wearing golden armor, not that blue-purple stuff Luna's guards had so I guessed it was you," Anon said, slightly shrugging.
Celestia's mind exploded when she remembered that she lent Luna a bunch of guards because she was currently lacking in hers, "Well Anon, I didn't send those guards if you are still wondering, but it was most likely that my sister did," Celestia disliked blaming her sister but she banished Celestia from Canterlot so this was basically revenge.
Anon stared at her before shrugging, "Welp, someone new to add to the mental kill list," Celestia regretted mentioning her sister. Anon looked down at the broken door, "Dammit, I forgot to tell her to pay for this," Anon groaned as he walked towards the fallen door. But he stopped when he heard a snap and the door disappeared, only to reappear fixed and back on the entrance, "Discord? Come out."
Discord poofed into existence next to Anon, still wearing Celestia's crown, "Hello Anon! I do hope that you're enjoying yourself."
"You know I'm still mad at you," he growled. Discord took a step back, slightly fearing for his life, "But for fixing my door I'll let you go," Discord did a fist pump, "But don't do that again, I'm capable of fixing shit on my own and I'll be taking that crown," Anon said as he swiped for the crown and placed it on his head.
"Awww, Anon, come on. You're no fun," Anon ignored him and walked into the kitchen. Discord looked at Celestia who stared back at him. She motioned with slight shake to her tied hooves, "I'm sorry Celestia but I can't help you."
"What? Why?"
Discord leaned closer to Celestia and whispered, "Because Anon here is capable of many things that I do not know of and most of them are pretty scary Celestia," Celestia stared at him, "He's also my best friend!" Celestia was stunned. Since when did Discord consider friendship?
"Yo, Discord!" Anon yelled from the kitchen. Both their heads whipped in the direction of the voice.
"Yes?" Discord yelled back.
"You want some cake? The frostings melted though and I'm not hungry," Discord's face lit up while Celestia frowned. Discord ran on his fours into the kitchen then came out with a half sliced chocolate cake along with a tomahawk covered in chocolate frosting. Discord could've just used a fork, but no, he uses the weapon that almost killed him. Celestia scowled at Discord who sat down in the corner of the room and happily ate. Discord noticed and stopped chewing, staring at the angry tied up alicorn before grinning mischievously. Before Celestia could guess what was going to happen, the entire room quickly lit up in a bright flash while Celestia shut her eyes tightly. When she opened her eyes, she saw herself gobbling up the cake in a un-princessy like manner. Discord looked up at Celestia, smugly smiling, which to Celestia was a creepy-looking Celestia covered in chocolate frosting. Is that what Celestia looked like when she was eating cake?
Anon came walking out, still wearing the crown, "Who fucking went Super-Saiyan in...here," Anon saw the two white alicorns, both staring at him, "Uh, am I interrupting something?" 'Discord' Anon guessed, in the corner shook his head, "Alright..."
Celestia glared at Anon angrily, "You give him a slice and not me?!" she yelled. Anon glared back at her.
"Because you technically tried to kill me and he hasn't," Anon said calmly. You'd expect the princess of Equestria to refrain from yelling. A lot.
"What?! You just said that my sister did!" Celestia retorted.
"Well, she had command of your guards which you probably had to have given her," Anon wasn't wrong on his conjecture. Celestia knew that well, "Alright, first of all, no goddamn yelling in my house, got it?" Celestia glared at Anon, "I guess that's a yes then. Second, if you behave and not try to kill me or run, maybe I'll give you something other than lettuce," Celestia's ears perked up at this news. Maybe she'll get some cake! She needed some cake badly or she'll go insane.
Celestia laid on the couch in silence before speaking, "Fine. I accept your terms," Anon gave a small nod, "But can you at least untie me? These ropes are digging into my fur."
"Nah," Celestia glared at him and sighed, "Until I know you are gonna run away, you're staying like that. Also, I'm using you as a bargaining chip when Luna comes here," Anon turned his head to look at Discord in the corner.
Discord who was still disguised as Celestia was busy licking the plate, "Dude, turn back, you look retarded," Celestia snorted while Discord stopped and stared at Anon. His muzzle was completely covered in frosting. Anon saw a slightly sinister smile form on his frosting-covered lips before Discord then undisguised and lunged backward and smashed through a window, flying away. Again.
"Goddammit."