//------------------------------//
// Episode Three 
// Story: Horse La Horse Season 1 
// by Stegtorn 
//------------------------------//

	Dun-dun-daaaah. With Vinyl shivering in her hooves it's clear this battle is yours. Shall you monologue about your dark, sharp past?

"Anonymous, tell Vinyl how it's nothing personal. This is all just business."

"Vinyl Scratch," you begin, intent on doing just what your outfit suggests.

"Y-yes?" she backs away, horn shimmering with the weakest of magic bursts.

"From the moment you entered this rest—"

VROOM! A spinning CD digs its way into your chest, tearing up your band-shirt.

"No!" you cry out, grasping for the archaic format. 

It cuts a bit deep, drawing blood. In pain and confusion, you move to the side, bumping into a table, knocking over salt and pepper shakers.

"Anonymous, the spikes! Use them as kunais," Blackbow Dosh says.

What a good idea. You flick into action, ripping off the spikes on your shoulders. Dodging to the left you hop over a table, tossing the slender blades at her. She pony-rolls to the right, evading your attack. Ah, but you've got another trick up your sleeve.

"PASTA-PORT."

In a wet, noodly storm you disappear, and reappear right behind Vinyl.

"Heh, you're already dead, kiddo."

Just as she's turning her wide eyes toward you you grab her by the neck and put her in a headlock.

"Uncle, uncle!" she cries. 

"No mercy."

You hear Blackbow Dash giggle madly as your dark, whole wheat noddles wrap around her.

"L-let me go!" she calls, squirming. There was nothing you or her could do, the noddles gripped her tighter whenever she wriggled.

"Anonymous, I need more blood, I grow weak!" your rocker boxers say harshly.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD HORSE!"

You rip a spike from a nearby booth seat. Vinyl whimpers as you bring the blade closer.

"Anon! Don't!" Twilight comes from behind you, resting a hoof on your shoulder.

"MEH."

"You won, there's no reason to hurt her."

"ANONYMOUS. SATE MY LUST FOR BLOOD OR I WILL BE FORCED TO REVERT BACK TO BEING REGULAR CLOTHES."

Your eyes flick between Twilight and your victim.

"CRUSH HER WEAK PONY FORM. PLEASE, DON'T SEND ME BACK THERE WITH PINKIE," Blackbow's voice gets a bit hoarse.

ba dum tss

Already your suit is beginning to slip back to its original form. The shirt returns to its previous state, its color fading back to white. The noddles fall to the floor, releasing Vinyl, before dissolving. She crawls away, huffing and puffing. You stumble back yourself, landing in the booth, getting stabbed in the ass by a spike just as it started to fade away. You're quite drained, coming out of the transformation. Bit of a headache as well. 

...And a pain in the ass too.

Vinyl scurries off without saying goodbye or anything. Typical ponies, so rude. Looking around you examine the wreckage. TABLES, CHAIRS, CEILINGS, all completely wrecked. Oh god, here come the employees, and what looks like the owner. Time to split. You scoop up Twilight and crash through the nearest window before anything can go bad. Well, the glass in your arm and forehead is a little bad.

A little bloodied, and very tired, you lumber home, Twilight in tow.

"That was pretty bad back there," you say, looking down at Twilight as you push open your door.

"D-did you not have a good time?"

You rummage around for bandages.

"Hmm, well there was the glass, the crazy clothing that lusted for blood and made me lust for blood, the thousands of dollars of damage we did to a restaurant, oh AND THE GLASS. I don't think insurance is going to cover the damage because I count as an act of god, and their policy doesn't cover that. PLUS, I don't have insurance so I KNOW the coverage for the glass in my arm is 0."

You wiggle a piece out of your arm before tossing it into the sink. Then you clean it and wrap it up. Huh, this is surprisingly easy! But still hurts.

"Well, the suit isn't perfect! Stuff happens."

You spin around, giving her a cold hard stare. "You have me wearing an experiment?"

"W-well..."

You nod to yourself in anger. "Hmm, that's good, huh."

"Oh well I'm glad you understand! I-I'll get going now!"

Twilight bolts for the door before you can react, you try to drag her back in by her tail but you miss and fall flat on your face. "Have a nice night," she calls while running.

That son of a pony! You roll on your back, chin hurting, arm hurting, head hurting. This suit has caused way too much trouble than its worth. But, it is your only set of clothes.

You spend the weekend sleeping nude. Then Monday rolls around, and its time to get dressed. Breakfast choices are toast and nothing else. Well, if you have too. Stuffing your face with burned bread and gulping down water takes a few minutes, and the second you're done it's out the door with you. Monday's are pretty bad, you think to yourself, walking up to the school's entrance.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE."

A large mare moves in front of the gate to the school yard. She's huge; tall, right up in your face. A few other students gather around, unable to proceed past this large, slender pony.

"Is this the part where you call me criminal scum?"

"No," she says aggressively, "Fleur-De-Lis does not stoop so low~"

A rush of air, sparkling light and flower-based perfume flows through you and the students. Fleur looks to the upper left, eye closed, allowing the crowd to get a good look at her majestic form. She's like a celestial being descended straight from the heavens.

"You, Anonymous, are an enemy to the school! Thus, I can not allow you to enter."

"Well. Are we gonna uh, fight or something?"

You slid off your backpack, the students behind you backing off.

"No, Fleur-De-Lis does not stoop so low."

"Then what's stopping me from just walking past you?"

She looks down at you with the most apathetic of expressions. You hear "ooooh" come from the small crowd behind you. One blast of magic later and you're 50 feet away, half in the dirt, all disheveled and bruised. Your previous wounds flare up in pain as you sit up. When you look up, Fleur is already gone, and so is the crowd that was there before.

Oh hey, it's Twilight. The purple pony trots over to you.

"Hey Anonymous, why are you in the dirt?" she asks, looking down at you.

"Meh," you grunt, trying to stand, the dirt surrounding you like a half-tomb.

"Where's your textbooks, Anon? How are you going to do any work without your textbooks!"

"I don't really have to worry about that now. I'm expelled or something."

Her eyes go wide and her saddle bag slips off of her.

"OH. MY. CELESTIA."

She begins freaking out, flipping around everywhere, squeaking and squealing.

"How will you receive an education? How will you learn?"

"I don't know. I'll get a GED or something," you say, shaking your shoulders to rid yourself of the dirt mould. 

She freezes in place, a few feet away from you, head turning slowly toward you. Her mouth is agape and ears perked all the way up. "That's not a real diploma," she says between soft sobbing.

"Oh the horror. How will you get a job without a diploma?"

You sigh and roll your eyes, "well I can't just walk in there, Fleur will blast me again."

She looks over at the school. "Climb the wall?"

A GRAND IDEA.

You stand to the left of the school's main gate, a little around the way so no one would see. Every few feet a band of stone juts out, making the wall incredibly easy to climb. That is if you can reach the first one, which is like twenty feet off the ground. How are you going to get that? Magic of course. Looking around you see a tree not too far from you. A branch reaching out toward the wall. Hmm.

"A plan is forming."

Channeling your ape ancestors you scurry up the old oak, swinging around and landing deftly on a tapering branch. Hmm, feels like you're gotten a bit more limber. Maybe this suit isn't so shitty after all! You scuttle down the branch, reach the mid point.

It begins leaning down, a low creaking sounding. This could end poorly. Not wanting to be like those characters in so many slap-stick comedies you leap from your position, flying on a wing and a prayer. Success! Now you just have to climb up the rest of the way.

"Me-meh."

So close, the edge is right there!

"AND NOW, COLGATE, STUDENT COUNCIL MEMBER," some announcer yells, his voice faint from all the way up here.

Probably wouldn't be ideal to look down now.

"Ahem. Students of Ponyville Magic Academy, with pleasure I announce the school's upcoming sports festival."

A sports festival? Wait a second, lets hear about this.

"All clubs with gather for a spectacular show of force against the Earth and Pegasi pony schools."

You climb over the edge, looking down at the school's courtyard. All the students are gathered around the same platform used in the horn inspection a few days ago. A gasp goes out through the crowd like a rolling wave, and a dozens heads perk up, looking right at you, half over the wall. Shit.

You pick out Fleur on the platform, taller than her comrades. Her eyes immediately lock with yours. 

"YOU!" she shouts, her horn lighting up.

Welp. You try sliding back over the other side of the wall, but you fail miserably. And of course you tumble over the other edge, just barely catching onto a bar as you plummet. The magic shot blows away a good chunk of the wall ahead of you, debris raining from above.

No going back up now. You drop down a few more levels, trying to get to the bottom as fast as possible. Fleur fires another shot.

"Stop. I'll take care of him," you hear Colgate call.

There is some more bickering but you're about two stories above ground and you have no interest in it. Oh god, there's the ground. Green, green. Time to jump! You leg go of your handhold, coming to a roll as you hit the grass below. Surprisingly easy.

Colgate is right on your ass the second you turn around. Toothbrush! Toothbrush! You evade nimbly to the side, dashing away from her and toward the school to buy you some time. However, there is nowhere to. You're pinned in by the crowd, Colgate and the school's wall.

"Those who trespass must be dealt with promptly!"

"Well, alright," you assume your stance but continue to look around for an exit.

You really don't feel like fighting right now. Colgate tenses up. This should be pretty easy, you had her locked down without even changing form, you think, as a rope of floss comes straight for your face. You dive out of the way, rolling to your feet, the sound of the floss snapping licks your ear. That's new.

"Did you like that?" she laughs, "I'm not holding back this time, human. You'll be dealing with my full arsenal! FEEL THE POWER OF SPEARMINT."

She stalks forward a bit, slowly making her way across the grass to you. The crowd is silent in anticipation, which you find quite ominous. Maybe this won't be so easy. You move forward yourself, and once within a few feet of her she throws out another floss whip. This one catches you on your leg, wrapping around your foot.

"Heh."

In a flash of blue dozens more whips materialize, all flying right for you. Instinct causes you to make a break for it, but you fall right on your face. Fear is plastered on your face as the leagues of light green floss assault you from every direction. You attempt to bat them away with your fists, but you're only so fast, many get past your meager defenses and slap against you. Your exposed arms and stomach are beet red from the assault, pain radiating from everywhere on you. You can hear the cringing in the background. It's time to get sweaty. Getting slapped left and right, you sit up, feebly trying to untie the thing around your leg.

"HAHAHA, FOOL," she cackles maldy, much like an unhinged d(m)ental patient.


[Theme of Colgate]  Silver Surfer (NES) - Level 1

More of her ropes creep toward you, binding your arms and legs tightly. It's getting a bit warm. Good, good! You feel the heat build up in your skin, that's good. However the binds are causing your previous wounds to flair up, that's bad. She slaps your face a few times with another whip, clearly enjoying that. That's a little strange. But, you're getting pretty hot as well. N-not in that way of course. Huh, is she trying to constrict you more?

AH. The binds around your no-touch zone get a little tighter. And then all the floss rips to shreds and you drop to the floor. With a grin on your face you get to your feet, clad in no more than suspenders and pink boxers. Colgate is more than a little shocked, but quickly straightens herself out.

"Your move, creep," she says grimly. 

You look about, feeling the heat of dozens of eyes clashing with the pain of your wounds.

"Pinkie, ideas?" you whisper.

"Try running!" she says cheerily.

"That's no help."

"We haven't got all day!" Colgate interrupts.

She materializes a long, heavy brush adorned with rough bristles, whipping it around her with magic. You act quick, deciding to run at her to get a punch in before she can strike you.	It fails completely, and you're tossed aside like a leaf in the wind. Feels like you got hit by a train that got rammed by a bus. In short, pretty fucking bad. What's worse is the impact against the school's wall, and that wall's subsequent destruction.

Your spine, ribs, and gushy parts should all be paste now, but thankfully Pinkie seems to have taken most of the blow. She moans a little as you try to sit up, rubble settling around you.

"You alright?" you ask, holding your aching head.

"It's owie."

"Hang in there."

"I'm kinda tired already Anon, I dunno if I can go on."

You look out back toward the field. Colgate is grinning, sun shining off her pristine teeth. At her sides, spinning toothbrushes, smaller ones. How can you go on?

"Anon!" Pinkie yells, shocking you a bit.

"Got an idea?"

"The bake sale sign! Look," she says weakly.

You look to the right, at a tattered pink banner reading "Bake sale".

"Yeah, and?" you grunt, eyes flicking back to Colgate.

"Get me a cupcake."

"But—!"

"Do it, just trust me" she says hoarsely.

With no better options, and in need of a little treat, you run off down the hall. You already know Colgate is gonna be on your tail like frosting on cake. Skating around the edge you flinch, hearing a toothbrush slam into lockers along the wall, denting them. Getting hit by that won't be pretty.

Then again, you did survive getting thrown through a wall. The sound of you and your enemy's footsteps are all that can be heard.

"We're close Anon. I can smell them."

"You can smell them?" you question, turning another corner.

"Yes~ Please, eat the chocolate one."

Suddenly an abandoned table comes into view. Little cakes, brownies, cookies, the works. But no milk. Meh.

"It's close."

Your suspenders begin vibrating in excitement. It's kinda creepy. WHOOSH. Another toothbrush, whizzing by your head, crashing into the wall. You look behind you at the menacing Colgate, her whips creeping forward.

In a mad dash you reach the table, scooping up the nearest cupcake, a double chocolate one. The wrapper is peeled just as a her whips are inches from you. Whirling around you stand proudly, unsure of what will happen.

"Here we go!" Pinkie squeals in joy, new vigor in her voice.

Your teeth sink into the soft cupcake. . . AND A MIGHTY FLASH OF LIGHT BLINDS YOU AND YOUR ENEMY.

"Gah!" Colgate yelps, you think you hear her fall backwards.

The tightness of your suspenders grows, and shifts. Something wraps around your neck, and you feel your hands being wrapped up by what feels like some sort of cloth. A new form? The light fades, and when you look down. . . 

There is a giant candy-cane in your hand. You're holding it like a spear, and wow, you have some white gloves now.

"You like the bow-tie?"

"Huh?"

Angling your head just right you take a good look at the thing on your neck. A little pink bow tie. Let's fucking go. You look down at Colgate, who's on her side, struggling to get up. Laying on the floor, leading from her to you, the green strips of floss. The ends are charred and black. Did you do that? You heft up the cane, walking over to Colgate.

"Do you want to submit?"

She looks up at you, teeth gritting, a bit of blood dripping from a cut on her cheek. "Not a chance," Colgate grunts through gritted teeth. With a burst of magic you're on your ass, again.

"Anon! You silly billy. Get back up."

"My tender back!"

You force yourself back up on two legs, one hand holding your aching head. The second you look up you see a seething Colgate charging forward, toothpick pointed straight at your chest. Deftly you knock it aside with your cane, a few minty chips falling to the floor from the impact.

"SWEET TREATS WILL NEVER TRUMP MY MOUTH-CLEANING PRODUCTS."

Clink! Clank! You have at each other in the hall, the residual power from your strikes shaking the foundations of the school. Changing it up, you swing low for her feet, but she hops back and then immediately forward, stabbing you. Instead of being skewered you're tossed right through the wall. CRACK! CRUMBLE! For a second you're flying. The roar of the students watching you fly and Pinkie's wails are just a distant buzzing— And then you land in a thorn bush.

"Thorn bushes are real pricks, ya know?" Pinkie comments, giggling.

"Please, never make a pun again."

Colgate jumps through the hole, weapon ready. Bleeding and battered you rise from your leafy bed.

"Ready for round...Huh. What are we on now?"

You bend down and reclaim your fallen candy cane, the hook buried a few inches into the dirt.

"We started in the courtyard, then you tossed me through the wall. I guess that would be round 1 and 2."

"Then I completely wrecked you a second ago."

"Making this round 3."

She nods furiously.

"Meh."

You swing your weapon around, charging forward. She does the same, bringing her pick up with magic like a spear. Grinning almost unnoticeable you bait her into another lunge. She takes it, and the moment she throws herself forward you're on her side.

"Surprise!"

Time slows in a flash of confetti and sparkles. Colgate's mouth opens slowly, a low "Argggggg" coming from her as your weapon descends on her face. Her horsey tongue lolls out, the hook of your candy cane glancing her. The two of you fall to the floor as time reverts to normal. Colgate is panting, staggering around. She drops her pick, her eyes spacing out.

"Did you break her?"

"I hardly touched her!"

"S-sugar?" your opponent groans.

"Uh, you alright?"

"Sugar!"

"O-ok."

She jumps at you, biting into your cane.

"AH!" Pinkie cries.

You try to shake her off, but her teeth are ingrained into the staff of the cane. Her tongue wiggle waggles all over the thin cracks in the candy cane.

"Mission accomplished?"

"I think so?" your accomplice replies, her voice stickily unsure. 

You look out toward the cheering crowd, picking out Lyra, Fleur and Trixie (in her stupid get-up) all looking at you with fury in their eyes. Hmm, you've taken down Colgate with the thing she hates most. That much closer to fighting Sunset...and figuring out the truth.

Sweaty green men!
Combat mares!
FLASHY LIGHTS!

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF HORSE THE HORSE:
Will Anon be able to take down another of the Elite Four?
Will Fleur ever stop being so tall?
Will Twilight sperg out?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!