//------------------------------// // Trixie // Story: What If Twilight Had a Gun // by The card holder //------------------------------// Ponyville was bustling with gossip about a new performer in town. Apparently, she had simply rolled her wagon into the middle of the town, and simply left it there while she set things up. Apparently, part of that setup was hiring a pair of dumb colts to act as advertisers, because of course. Twilight had ignored their stupid voices all day, but when she actually arrived to the stage, she was just in time to hear the mare herself announcing her own show loudly, and shortly after a blue unicorn mare in purple wizard clothes suddenly appeared in a puff of smoke. According to her own self-inflated ego and the prior announcing, she was called "The Great and Powerful Trixie". Twilight held the perpetual frown on her face, unimpressed. The crowd around her let out "Ooh"s and "Aah"s, which made her frown even harder. "Watch in awe," Trixie began to say to the crowd, "as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by ponykind!" As fireworks went off behind Trixie, Twilight intensified her frown. She already had a lock on magic in this part of the country, and this uppity showmare was moving in on her turf. She was considering busting a cap in her blue ass, but eventually decided not to, since Celestia made it a point to tell her "Shooting ponies isn't nice". "My, my, my," Rarity began next to Twilight, "what boasting!" "Rarity get that title drop shit out of here," Twilight scolded. "Oh come on!" Spike started, next to them "Everypony knows-" "Spike, shut up and go to your room until I tell you." "B- But Twilight, this is the first time I've been out of my room for weeks!" Twilight gave a glare that would reduce many lesser ponies into averting their gaze. Spike looked away. "Fine." He slunk off, as Twilight's "friends" watched him leave, unsure exactly how to react. Soon, they turned their attention back to the stage, where Trixie was poofing some flowers into existence because magic tricks are clearly impressive in a world where a third of the population can use it at will. At some point, Rarity and Applehorse started having a small argument over some bullshit about ability and bragging, but Twilight did not care at all, so she tuned them out. She did hear Rainbow's addition to the end of the argument, though. "It's certainly why you got me around being better than the rest of us!" "Rainbow, you are so far stuck up your own ass I could punch you in the throat and make you lose teeth," Twilight deadpanned. Sheepishly, Rainbow looked around, before her eyes settled on the stage. "Well, I mean-" She collected herself and gave the most halfhearted "Boo!" one has ever heard. "Well, well, well," Trixie said on stage, "it seems we have some NEIGHsayers in the audience, who-" "No, that's it, we're fucking done here," Twilight said, drawing her gun and firing into the air, making the crowd start screaming and running away. "I draw the line at horse puns." Suddenly, Pinkie Pie. "Silly Twilight, we're just-" The pink pony's attempt at comedy was interrupted by a gun barrel shoved in her mouth and a glaring Twilight getting right up to her eyes. "One more word of that sentence, and I will end you." Pinkie only gave a nod in response. Meanwhile, Trixie was flabbergasted. "W- Why did you scare off my audience?!" she shouted, more than a little peeved. "I was about to tell them about the time I vanquished an ursa major!" Twilight didn't give an answer as she started walking off, her friends, again, reluctantly following. "Come back here!" Trixie shouted, now positively enraged. "Don't ignore me!" When it was clear she was being ignored, she let out a strangled scream and went back into her wagon, the stage folding back in place behind her. Underneath where the stage used to be, Snips and Snails looked at each other, and in that moment, the dumbest idea of all time was formed. It should be expected, of course, that those two colts proceeded to lure an ursa minor to Ponyville that night, and came running to Trixie to kill it dead like she claimed to have done to a major. Naturally, Trixie was unable to actually do anything despite her best efforts, but thankfully, just before she had finished having her life flash before her eyes and had to listen to the two dumbest ponies ever next to her, Twilight arrived on the scene, gun in her telekinetic grasp. Sadly, it was too late to save her wagon home, since that was literally the first thing the giant bear had stepped on. The bear roared at her, as it had been doing for the past 10 minutes, and Twilight answered with a much shorter, much sharper roar of her own. BANG The first shot only made the ursa pause in its roar, so Twilight continued. BANG BANG BANG BANG Each shot impacted the bear's cosmic coat, and despite its size, the shots still had an impact as the bear kept flinching away, until eventually the ursa minor fell. Because it was dead. With the threat dealt with, Twilight turned to the three ponies who were cowering from it. "There, problem solved." Before any of them could say anything, she got right up in Trixie's face. "You are a bragging piece of shit." She then went to Snips and Snails. "And you two are the fucking dumbest ponies I have ever seen, I mean holy shit." And with that, she left, leaving behind a giant bear corpse, three crying ponies, and a town full of confused ponies. The next morning, Celestia found a letter waiting for her. Dear Princess Celestia, You don't pay me enough. Twilight