“No. Nooooooo,” Shining Armor whined rather childishly, seated at his kitchen table with a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese before him. “Can’t you see I’m enjoying my macaroni right now?”
The guard that had rushed to speak with him most urgently glanced away. “Again, I’m most sorry, Captain Armor. I know how much macaroni time means to you, but… he has returned. Just like yesterday.”
There was little shock that statement; no trembling or evident fear at all.
“Sombra,” Shining muttered, rolling his eyes as he used his horn to eat a spoonful of his deliciously gooey macaroni. “Have you tried simply ignoring him? He has no way of getting in here. He has no magic. The gates are locked. Any pony that wants out, we just teleport a safe distance away.”
The guard sighed. “You see, Captain, we’ve tried to ignore him, but that only makes him work even harder at gathering our attention. And Sombra can yell really loud. For example: all he’s done this morning is sing catchy Equestrian pop songs, but with lyrics of his own design. As horrible as it sounds, I was surprised to find myself hoof-tapping to his rendition of ‘Smile, Smile, Smile’, redone as ‘Scowl, Scowl, Scowl’. I must admit, he does have quite the singing voice. Basso profondo.”
Shining looked up at him. “What?”
“It’s the lowest male singing voice.”
“The more you know.” Shining took another spoonful of macaroni, licking the spoon afterward. His eyes darted between his near full bowl of noodles and the guard. “Do I need to deal with Sombra personally? Can’t someone else do it this time?”
The guard anxiously scratched at the back of his neck. “Well, technically, you are the Captain of the Guards. And it is the Captain’s duty to deal firsthoof with all Crystal Empire problems. And you are wearing that nametag of yours again.”
Shining glanced at his lapel. A nametag there read: “CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR”. That only made him frown. “It’s only to stop ponies from calling me ‘Shinning’ Armor anymore. It’s annoying! You know what ‘Shinning’ even means? It means to climb stuff! As in, ‘Better get Shinning Armor to go climb that rope over there! I heard he’s great at it!’”
“The more you know.” The guard’s face reddened. “You’ve been saving that rant up for some time, haven’t you?”
Ignoring the question, Shining crammed more cheesy goodness into his mouth, hopeful it would distance his mind from Sombra. Sadly, following the fourth spoonful, he found he could hardly enjoy it anymore. He just knew he’d have to deal with Sombra sooner or later that day—with or without a bellyful of tasty warm pasta.
He pushed himself from the table. “Fine. And maybe this time I’ll turn the hose on him and watch him freeze.”
***
“This better be good, Sombra!” Shining bellowed down from the lip of the Empire’s silvery wall. “You’re ruining my mac and me time!”
Sombra craned his neck up to view. He retorted, “Well, in that case, you’re ruining my Empire and me time!”
On the railing, Shining tiredly rested his head on a hoof. “For the second and hopefully last time, Sombra, you are not getting in here. Ever. So why not try a new city to corrupt and systematically destroy? How about you try running a subpar bagel shop in Baltimare?”
“Would you buy bagels from the likes of me?” Sombra asked, sharp fangs and twitching eyelids out on display. “I think I’d have better luck selling crystal-shaped drugs in some decrepit back alley, seated atop a hill of soiled mattresses known as my Throne of Bad Decisions.”
Shining grimaced. “I guess you have a point. Okay. Have you thought about staying in the woods and never coming out? Wouldn’t that be cool! Huh? Never bothering anyone ever again? Perhaps dying of hunger or dehydration eventually? Eaten by a bear or pack of wolves? Sure sounds fun to me!”
“Save your breath, Shining,” Sombra replied thickly. “There is only one place for me! My Empire made of beautiful, rich crystal! I consider it so beautiful, in fact, that it is not even an it to me anymore, but a she! And right now she is calling to me! Wanting me deep inside of her! And I won’t stop until I’m all the way in. Whether that means I have to force my way through her tight front gate or sneak through her secret back entrance—”
“I get it, I get it,” Shining interrupted, holding out a hoof. “Sex jokes. Highly amusing, Sombra. But I hope there’s more to today’s display than this. As I told you yesterday, mere words won’t get you inside. Neither will sheer annoyance or moronic threats.”
“Then how about this!” Above his head, Sombra held out a single leaf of paper. From such a long distance away, not a single guard on the wall nor Shining knew just what was on it, if there was anything on it at all.
“What is that?” Shining asked. “You write me a poem? A short story? A grocery list? A Top Ten Princess Jokes List?”
A nearby guard nudged another one in the ribs. “I’d totally read that. I love top ten lists. Almost as good as top twenty lists.”
Sombra scowled at Shining just as hard as the song ‘Scowl, Scowl, Scowl’ had told him to. He was clearly taking this a lot more earnestly than the rest of them. “Will you just read it?”
The wondrous, short word known as ‘No’ danced on the tip of Shining’s tongue, ready to viciously pounce, when the paper in Sombra’s clutches was suddenly levitated into the air.
Only to land perfectly in Princess Cadence’s grasp.
“Cadence?” Shining blurted out with a jolt. “But… but… it’s not safe for you up here! Sombra! He’s—” He then noted Flurry Heart bouncing around on Cadence’s back, gnawing on the tips of his wife’s mane. “Flurry Heart? You two can’t be up here! Not while—”
“Hello, Sombra,” Cadence greeted the disheveled villain at the foot of their city warmly. She even gave him a polite wave.
In response, Sombra reddened and pawed at the snow. “Hi, Princess Cadence. You’re looking rather fetching this fine morning.”
“Thank you. And you’re looking rather… alive? Surprisingly alive and kicking?”
“Yep!” Sombra chirped brightly, as if the notion of not dying like he was supposed to years prior gave him some form of bragging rights.
“Oddly enough, this is the first that I’m hearing of you,” Cadence told him, using her large eyes to toss daggers in Shining’s direction. “I heard just a short while ago from a friend that you popped by yesterday. You’d think my own husband would’ve mentioned something as big as the return of King Sombra, but… what do I know, right?”
Sombra just kept pawing at the snow. “You really think I’m that big a deal?”
Back atop the wall, Shining trotted up to Cadence, his wavy mane quickly becoming unkempt. “Cadence, please try to understand. I was only doing what I thought was right at the time. Sombra came back yesterday, but then he left! And I thought he’d never come back! I… I just didn’t want you to worry. You or the baby.”
He rubbed his nose against Flurry Heart’s, causing her to squeal and grab at his cheeks and mane. They both smiled at one another.
“You thought I was going to miss out on something like this?” Cadence’s replied smugly, scanning the single page that Sombra had held up earlier. “I can’t stay inside the castle all day, you know? And this might even be good for Flurry Heart. Baby’s first villain and all.”
“What’s the note say?” Shining asked.
Cadence gave it a once over. “Not a note, but a flyer; one that I stuck up last week asking around the Empire for potential babysitters. How Sombra got hold of a copy is beyond me.”
Somehow Shining’s skin paled even more than physically possible. “So he wants to babysit for us? That’s his plan to get back inside here? Holy macaroni, is that unicorn ever delusional.”
“Speaking of macaroni, Flurry Heart finished off that bowl you left on the table in the kitchen. Hopefully, you were all done with it.”
All warmth in Shining’s face exited in a hurry as he narrowed his eyes at his daughter. “You’re lucky we’re related,” he hissed.
Keeping the flyer above her head, Cadence stepped toward the wall’s railing. “So you want to look after Flurry Heart, do you?”
Sombra nodded, a faint smirk on his muzzle.
“Usually we try hiring ponies with experience, Sombra. What experience do you have in such a field as childcare?”
Sombra waved a hoof in the air. “Experience? You kidding? I’m great with kids! Why, back when I ruled the Crystal Empire, I had a whole group of children dig their own graves as a teambuilding exercise! I know nothing motivates me more than near death experiences!”
Cadence pursed her lips. “That’s not all that helpful, honestly.”
“Helpful, you say?” Sombra asked with a sly grin. “What about that one time I ordered a whole group of homeless children to put together their own orphanage to live in? What a way to solve a problem, am I right?”
“It’s widely known that that very same orphanage collapsed in on itself not six hours later, crushing to death every pony trapped inside.”
“So? Problem solved! Less homeless kids to worry about! And what a fun treasure hunt that made for the kids that remained! ‘Who wants to find what’s left of Little Timmy everyone? Although he might be a tad littler than before, being sandwiched between two floors worth of solid concrete.’”
Cadence turned her back to him, making eye contact with her husband. With just a look, she knew what he was thinking. See why I didn’t want to get you involved?
Reluctantly, Cadence walked back into Sombra’s view. “Well, as nice as that all sounds, and as interested as we would be to hire you to look after Flurry Heart… uhh… the position’s been filled! It was filled this morning, actually. They start tomorrow.”
“Wait. You hired someone and didn’t mention it to me?” Shining asked her credulously.
Now was the time for Shining to read his wife’s mind. For the love of Celestia, can’t you tell that I’m lying here?
“O-oh,” Sombra stammered out, rubbing at his unshaved cheek. “I guess I was a little late in applying… and being such a popular baby and all. What is the lucky pony’s name, if I may ask?”
Caught completely off guard, Cadence gulped dryly. “Suzy.”
“Suzy…” Sombra let the lone name dangle.
“Suzy Suzypants,” Cadence finished lamely. There was a reason she only lasted a single night in beginner’s improv class. She made a mental note to rename some poor mare living in the city Suzy Suzypants should Sombra start snooping around for them.
“Suzy Suzypants. I… see.” Sombra nodded a single time. “Pony names really went down hill over the last few years. Well, I guess I’ll be heading out, then.”
Collectively, Shining and Cadence exhaled in relief.
Until Sombra shot his head back up with newfound energy.
“Hey, here’s an idea! Why not let Flurry Heart decide? I know I heard someone mewling up there before!” He lightened his tone. “Flurry Heart! Oh, Flurry Heart!”
Before either Shining or Cadence had a chance to react, Flurry Heart’s eyes shot open while her wings spread wide. A new voice was calling out to her, and it interested her greatly. Leaping off her mother’s back, she managed to make it a full dozen paces out over the safety of the wall before the combined magical strength of both her parents’ aura pulled her back in.
Too late, though. Sombra was now in clear view, causing her to excitedly clap her hooves together.
“Hey there, little one!” Sombra called out sweetly. Or as sweetly as a nefarious, mass murdering monster could. “Have your parents been saying mean things about me again? It wouldn’t surprise me. But Sombra isn’t all that bad. Why, he could even be your friend! Can Suzy Suzypants even do this?”
With that said, Sombra flipped upside-down to stand on his head. For the first ten seconds or so, it worked, up until his ratty old cape fell over his face, blinding him. He toppled to the ground with a thud, his forehead scraping against a rock hidden in the snow.
By the time he got back to his hooves, he was already bleeding from the head.
Much to Flurry Heart’s evident delight.
Cadence held tight to the happily clapping and giggling child—a dour expression glued to her face. “Oh, Flurry Heart! Don’t laugh at that! It’s not nice laughing at ponies that hurt themselves.”
Down below, Sombra grinned much wider than before, uncaring of the blood seeping down his cheeks. “Could that be laughter I hear? A baby that actually enjoy seeing others writhing in pain?”
No one could stop Sombra as he attempted another cartwheel across the snow, letting himself go limp in the very middle so he’d land squarely on his head again. This only made Flurry Heart laugh even harder than before.
“Best for last!” Sombra announced with a blood-caked face, running full tilt toward the solid crystal wall that outlined the Empire. Right before impact, he jumped, perfectly flattening himself against it. For eight seconds he merely hung there, until he sluggishly fell away one limb at a time, like an old piece of chewed gum pressed against the underside of a bench.
That last act seemed to do the trick, as Flurry Heart didn’t just laugh and clap this time around, but howl and thrash until tears streamed down her small cheeks. She even leveled a hoof in Sombra’s direction, as if to wordlessly exclaim, Look at this guy! This guy gets it!
Sprawled out on the cold ground, Sombra looked beat. Beaten and bloody, in fact. He smirked toward Cadence. “Clearly, she likes me better. So when should I stop by? How’s eight tomorrow morning sound? I could make us all banana pancakes for breakfast!”
Cadence didn’t even have the words to properly convey how she felt at that point. Awkwardness? Pity? Anger? Sadness? Concern for her daughter’s newly discovered blood lust? So with no good answer in mind, she simply turned away from him to retreat back inside. But not before ordering a group of guards to exit the city’s gate to patch up Sombra before sending him on his way.
An entire three weeks later, Flurry Heart would finally cease drawing pictures of Sombra injuring himself. But only because she ran out of blood red Crayons to use.