Hey there. My name’s Dave; not Dave Twinkles, or Davebubble, or even Donut Dave. It’s just Dave. I’m a salespony, and I live in a little town just south of Canterlot called Ponyville. If that name sounds familiar, it’s because, even though Ponyville is a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, we’ve got something that no other town in the world has; a six little super heroines. Or, at least that’s what they say.
You see, nopony’s ever actually seen these mares do anything… well, heroic. We’ve certainly heard the stories, but I feel like the evidence in their so-called heroics is a little lacking. Like that time our little town was elected to host the Summer Sun Celebration for Celestia herself, but instead her evil sister showed up. So what do these mares do? They run off into the everfree forest in the middle of the night, and when they show up a couple hours later, everypony thinks they’re flippin’ superheroes.
Or that time that Discord thing showed up. Now I’ll admit, things were pretty weird during that whole mess; I was pretty busy pulling carrots out of trees so I could feed my legs, so it’s hard for anypony to confirm very much that was going on at all. But you’re gonna sit there and tell me that the only ponies that weren’t effected just so happened to be the same mares, and that they just somehow managed to turn that monster into stone? Nopony bothers to think that, I dunno, our god-like rulers had anything to do with it? Or the royal guard, maybe? Nope, it just has to be our beloved elements of harmony. There’s no other explanation. It’s just nutty.
Now, I’m not saying I resent these mares or anything, they’re nice girls, and some of them aren’t half-bad looking. But I just have a hard time believing that the whole world revolves around them, ya’know? Though, this isn’t to say that weird stuff doesn’t happen around here. Lemme tell ya’ the some days in Ponyville are just weird. Like, I have no idea what’s going on kind of weird. Like, little fluff-balls eating civilization as we know it, or the gates of Tartarus opening below our hooves kind of weird. Though I didn’t know exactly how weird it could get, until a pony by the name of Newscoop showed up in my life.
It started on a Friday in the middle of June; I remember it was a Friday because I was heading to the store to get some milk. I always found it a little weird that we ponies sold cow’s milk to one another; I mean, yeah, it’d be even weirder if you were taking the milk that came from some mare in town, but cows aren’t exactly pets, I mean they can talk just like you or me. But I still bought milk every Friday, because I’d usually run out by then, and if I didn’t, I’d have some extra, no big whoop.
But anyway, I was at the store, checking the dates on the cartons, ‘cause one guy doesn’t exactly burn through a carton and I didn’t want it going bad, when I see this stallion in a trench coat and a big brown fedora heading straight for me. That freaked me out a little, cause I thought he was gonna flash his pony bits at me or something, but right as he got near me I saw a little glowing pen and notepad float out of his pockets.
“Are you Dave?” He asked me, in this real hush-hush tone of voice, before looking suspiciously around the store.
“Uh, yeah, that’s me…” I started, but he immediately started writing furiously on his notepad. Is this guy for real?
“I’m Newscoop, from the Ponyville Inquirer. I’ve heard you have some interesting theories about the elements of harmony.” The fact that I thought they were a load of hooey wasn’t exactly a secret, I’ll admit. While I didn’t go parading it around, I wasn’t really opposed to telling my friends, or really anypony who asked for that matter, how I felt about it. I mean, I’m not out to hurt anypony’s feelings, but these ladies have bypassed some the roughest economic and political struggles most of us have to go through. I mean, they’ve actually broken some laws, some big ones, and nopony even complains because they think they’re friggin superheroes!
Not that I was ready to tell this guy all that. I mean, I’m pretty open about my views, but I’ve never even heard of the “Ponyville Inquirer,” and I don’t exactly want my face and life philosophies to be plastered next to some article proclaiming “I discovered a seapony!”
“Uh… well, what have you heard?” I’m usually better at smooth talking my out of something like this, but right about now, I just wanted him a few inches farther from my face. Seriously, this guys smells like a friggin drainpipe.
“Word is a pony by the name of Dave has been saying that the elements of harmony actually aren’t the elements of anything,” His voice was still all hush-hush, despite the fact that I don’t think anypony would have cared if we were talking about burning down Canterlot. “That their awards and recognition aren’t the result of their own heroism, but of the biggest hoax Ponyville has ever seen. That’s what I’ve heard”
“Well, uh, maybe you have the wrong Dave.” Seriously, this guy was starting to creep me out.
“I don’t think so. I don’t think there’s anypony else in Ponyville named just ‘Dave.’ And you know what else I think?” I cringed a little when he said this, just desperately hoping he wouldn’t get any closer. “I think you’re right.”
Even to my own surprise, hearing him say that helped me ease up a little. Nutjob or no, I wasn’t used to hearing anypony actually believe me. I mean, what’s so hard to believe? I’m not some sort of crazy conspiracy theorist; I’m just connecting the dots. So that’s what I told him.
“Hey man, I’m no conspiracy theorist or anything, I’m just connecting the dots, ya’ know?”
“Yeah, I do. It makes sense. I mean, when has anypony actually seen these mares do anything that they’ve claimed to? Why do they get so much entitlement out of it?”
Now this guy was talking some sense. “Yeah, I mean, look at Twilight Sparkle. Nice enough mare, but for some reason she’s on government payroll. Why? What does she even do?”
“She reports the magic of friendship to Princess Celestia,” he said without skipping a beat.
I tell ya’, If I was drinking something right then, I’d done a spit take right into his face. The magic of friendship? What kind of job is that? Clearly, I needed to rethink my career choice.
It was evident that Newscoop could see my own surprise. “Here,” a small white card was levitated from his pocket, “this is my card. Come to the address listed and we can get an interview, and maybe get to the bottom of this.”
I held it in my hoof, looking over the address as I thought aloud. “You know what? I think I will.” I gave him a friendly smirk and a nod before turning around to grab a carton of milk. You know what, I thought to myself, he’s probably right. I should tell Equestria about this, it’s not just absurd, it’s a scandal! I was actually getting excited. Things were weird around here thanks to those mares and their free reign, and I was getting sick of it.
I had no idea how weird it was about to get.