“Hey there pal,” a deep voice says.
You look up to see a shirtless Minotaur. Before you have time to check if he's also a pants-less Minotaur your head erupts in a mighty headache. The sunlight streaming in from the trees above is right in your eyes.
“Move to the left a step,” you groan, shielding your vision with a hand.
The beast does so with a grunt. The sun now resting on his broad shoulders and thick neck instead of your pupils.
“Care to explain why you're laying on Iron Will’s lawn in that fancy get up.”
“At least I'm wearing clothes.”
He does not look amused at your cheek.
“I have no idea why I'm here, or where I am.”
He offers a hand, and you accept, being more tugged to your feet than helped.
“You're on my Iron farm. I'm Iron Will.”
“Iron farm?” you ask, looking around.
Iron Will's lawn was a vast patch of lovely verdant grass, trees and bushes. In the distance you can see a neat looking cottage, presumably this bullman's abode. No iron or farm like things nearby.
“Well, it is going to be. As soon as I learn to farm.”
“I thought you mine iron, not farm it.”
“Shuddup,” he says, slapping you on the shoulder, he puts himself next to you, and waves his hand over the vast open landscape.
“All of this is mine, and soon I'll have an Iron farm bigger than the Pie's rock farm.”
“Well that's all fine and good,” you remove his giant hairy blue hand from your sore shoulder, “I need to be going home. Which way is Canterlot?”
You turn to face him, and find he's got a mammoth grin spread across his bovine countenance. Deep from within he releases a hardy chuckle. He leans into the laugh, slapping himself on his steel abs with one hand, and waving downward with the other.
“That's a good one,” and then he heads toward the cottage.
“Canterlot is under the control of the Mega Forces, pal, good luck getting there,” he flexes as he points to the right of him, toward a forest down a hill, “but if you want to get beaten up and robbed by hoodlums head that way for a few days and you'll reach it.”
Iron Will leaves his cottage's door open, but disappears inside. The Mega Forces, damn. YOU caused this to happen. How long have you been out that those bafoons took over Canterlot? Looking up at the sun, you reason it's about 8 or 9 AM. Just a few hours from dawn, when you were last at Canterlot.
You jog to catch up to Iron Will, entering his well furnished cottage with curiosity. It's a nifty little place, that's for certain. Almost reminds you of the library. There is a pain in your chest where your heart should be for a moment. The room is empty when you scan it, Iron Will must be in one of the side rooms.
The floor is a hardwood, very chic. A dark wood coffee table rests in front of a leather couch, both of which poised to watch a small radio with only two dials. The radio rests on a large bookcase, filled with what looks like graphic novels. You hadn't realized those were a thing in this world. Makes sense, why wouldn't they have them? You waltz over to the shelf and pick one at random, it's a nice pink. The cover is a foil picture of, something. Looks like a cat?
You glare at the paperback, “I see you're a fan of, what the fuck, Neko Neko Tiny Bubblegum Cat Vol. 132?”
“Don't touch those,” Iron's gruff voice calls, you hear the stomping of heavy hooves against the floor as he storms in, pushing between you and the bookcase. He snatches the book away from you and carefully places it back where it belongs.
“The translation doesn't always portray the elegance of the title,” he says softly, petting the books.
“Well whatever, I just wanted to know more about what happened to Canterlot. Also what day is it?”
“Iron Will don't know, don't own a calendar.”
“Amazing,” you reply, throwing your hands up in dismay and collapsing on the couch. You toss your feet up on the coffee table and splay out, feeling rather depressed now.
“As for Ponyland's capital, about a day or two ago the Mega Forces of Villainy stormed the place, and without Princess Celestia to defend it, they completely demolished anyone who put up any resistance.”
You curse under your breath. This is your fault. And if you don't rectify it, something bad will surely happen. “Is that all? What have they been doing there?” you inquire.
“Well,” Iron Will rubs his big chin, “the radio put out an ad.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, the Mega Forces were looking for new members, and they were gonna hold tryouts for new villains. The baddest monsters around have been flocking to the capital. Even if they don't get the spot, you know they're probably gonna join up as henchmen.”
“Wait a minute, that card!” you say, an idea hatching in your head like a Blue Breasted Tit chick.
“Iron Will was a henchman for awhile. Awful really, so much box moving,” Iron Will commented idly.
You search around your suit pant's pocket, cutting your finger on the thing, but finding it. The business card they gave you! Is that eggshell with raised lettering? T-that's breathtaking.
“That's a nice card.”
You leer at Iron Will for a quick second, but quickly return your attention to the card. It's shimmers in the sun coming in from the windows. The silvered, raised lettering reads “spin me thrice for a quote on our price.” You're not in need of evil doers, but hopefully they'll still come to talk.
You shrug and follow directions. And then the thing disappears in a puff of smoke.
“What was that? Magic trick?”
You hear a horse whinny, and clopping, loudly. Should have filtered the explicit tag. You and Iron Will both perk your heads up to the sound of crashing on the roof.
“What the hell was that?” you ask, expecting no answer.
Iron Will shakes his head with confusion and rushes outside to see. You follow him closely, leaving the door open. Outside you find what you should have expected, Dickcord, messing with the straw of Iron Will's roof.
“Hey! Get off that, you—” Iron Will pauses, struggling to think of an insult for the combo meal that is Discord.
“Little early for presents, it's still spring, Christmas isn't due for a couple months,” you quip. They should put you in a Marvel movie with these levels of snide remarks.
Discord waves his hand dismissively, and smugly keeps up the bantz, “little early for Halloween costumes, Green Slender Man.”
“So you're interested in our offer, Anonymous. We knew you'd come around.”
“Yes I am curious,” you say with a knowing smile.
“Well,” his voice trails off as he slithers down the house, “the position is up for grabs. We're holding try outs as I'm sure you've heard from your friend here.”
The master of tricks wraps himself around a fuming Iron Will. You squint at the Mega Force member. “You don't think I'm good enough to join you even after defeating Celestia, and Luna for that matter?”
He uncoils himself and tickles your chin with a claw, chuckling. “Not after your suit has been drained of it's power,” he tugs on your tie, “this is just a bit of fancy cloth now.”
“Hmph,” you grunt, shaking free of him. You attempt to straighten out your untucked, wrinkled shirt, and wipe some dirt off your jacket's shoulder. Then you assume your “stance”. Fists up, body loose, face smug.
“Oh, are you suggesting a bout?”
“Keep whatever you two are going to do far away from my house,” Iron Will says with a grunt, trotting off toward his door.
You notice he ducks inside, but watches from within, trying to pretend like he's merely fixing up the house. All too quickly you see him return to the doorway to watch. Discord backs a few feet away from you, and floats up above the roof. You can't jump that high without some boost power from one of your forms. The heat of the sun feels nice on your shoulders, and the first prickles of sweat bead on your forehead. Discord laughs and suddenly sends forth a jolt of lightening. You dodge swiftly, and see the grass beside you blacken and crackle from the energy.
“My lawn!” you hear from inside.
Out from the patch of darkened plant matter, taffy like pink limbs sprout forth. Eldritch whips of candied pink swipe for you, and nearly hit! You feel the bite of one of them, slicing your elbow open. The suit jacket and shirt are no match for the ferocity of Discord's creation and are easily torn through. Blood trickles from your wound.
You should have been paying attention! Another bolt of magic hits your square in the chest, launching you about twelve feet in a straight line back, where you are slammed into a tree. Sharp pain wracks your body! You collapse into the shade of the evergreen, nettles raining down on you. A smile comes to your face despite the pain, and you cough up a bit of blood, wiping it away with a sleeve.
Painbow will be the perfect form to deal with this memester. You sit, waiting for the suit to transform and for your vigor to be restored. Discord waits too, floating just where he was. His candied abomination collapsed on Iron Will's lawn now, flopped over like an elongated cabbage.
There is a pause. Silence aside from a bird's call. Something is wrong! This is taking too long! Then you hear Discord laughing. He does a figure 8 in the sky and soars closer to you.
“Looks like I was right, you've lost your enchantment!”
She really did take it away! Despite yourself, your shock is clear on your face, which gives the king of mischief a hearty giggle.
“That's a real shame. Welp. You're free to try for the position anyway,” he says, floating off towards the clouds, “come to Canterlot sometime, many are gathering and tryouts will start soon.”
“How soon?” you call.
“Eh,” he jiggles his hand, “two weeks or so.”
That is no time at all.
“Oh, and Iron Will, Neko is getting its television adaptation this season. He can catch it on toonami, but it's being delayed by our competition. Which will be aired on the TV and radio!”
And with that, Discord almost disappears into the aether. But Iron Will is apparently a very fast bullman. There is a blue blur, and a roar.
“When someone messes with your toon, end their life soon,” Iron will yells, stomping into the scene. His nostrils puffed thick clouds of acrid anger, his cloven hooves mashing into the grass, his biceps pumped and chest puffed up too. Looking good Iron Will!
You try to pick yourself up, but you are too fucked up. Your chest aches and felt like it had just caved in. Breathing was hard, but you tried to roll on my side and get the best view of what was about to happen. Discord rolled his eyes and got ready to teleport away with a snap of his clawed fingers, but Iron broke into a charge, horns pointed for the prize. Discord tried to flick away, reacting like a jelly, wiggling away from the blue hairy beast. Too slow for to evade the immovable object!
With an amazing fury Iron wrapped one hand around the entirety of Discord’s slim body, squeezing like a tube of toothpaste. Through your blurry vision you swore you saw his eyes red and flaming like a bat out of hell. Discord tried to lurch and squirm, but he was in an Iron Grip!
Will hefted him up with both his hands now, holding him high over his horns, he knelt down hard now, rocking the early and nearly rolling you over on your back with the force.
“HOW ABOUT A TASTE OF THIS BULL’S HORNS?” he cried, slamming Discord down on his horns in a sick modified backbreaker.
You saw the villain's tongue loll out like a loose slip of paper, and his eyes go back into his head as he collapsed on the ground. Wrapping one hand around his enemy’s neck and one into a fist Iron was about to show his foe what a real rage looks like.
He pounded the old draconequus into the dirt, knocking out his one giant tooth easily, the sound was as if someone trying to choke a rubber chicken relentlessly. When the enraged bull finally stopped seeing red and cooled off, Discord’s eyeballs were rattling around in his head like clothes in a dryer.
But then they stopped rolling, and Discord regained his composure. Iron Will didn’t react, huffing and puffing to catch his breath, adrenaline spent. With his lion paw the old trickster lashed out, clawing across Will’s nose, which nearly took out his nose ring!
The ol’ bull recoiled, grip loosening on his prey. Discord wicked his hands in a fancy way and summoned up a giant candy octopus! Sticky taffy tentacles slapped against Iron Will’s hard muscles. Lashes and droplets of blood come off in a spray, and Will staggers back, arms waving in a circular motion as he tried to gain some sort of balance.
Discord let out a huff, “not bad kiddo,” and disappeared in a flash.
End of Episode 3, Season 2.
IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
How will Anonymous ever recover his former strength?
Will Anonymous and the Minotaur discover the magic of friendship?
How do you farm rocks?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE LA HORSE!