Twilight Sparkle and Her Unwanted Love Life
By TheSarcasticJudge
Twilight Sparkle should’ve paid attention in P.E.
The crisp apples, ranging from luxurious red, mild and mannered green, and sour powered green apples, weighed Twilight down tremendously. The load on her back was backbreaking work on its own, but it would be a lot better if there wasn’t a certain baby dragon pressing down on Twilight’s back uncomfortably as she tossed apples behind her shoulders; the ones she deemed ‘unsavory’ or ‘had a weird pear-like shape’ or even the best excuse yet:
‘they looked like bollocks.’
“Thanks fer th’ help, Twi’,” Applejack offered a confident smile, either oblivious or ignoring Twilight’s best efforts to stay upright and much less the distance of five yards between the two ponies. “Although it would help mighty fine if y’all would pick up the pace a-little.”
“Yeah… it’s… no problem…” Twilight heaved, as she struggled to keep placing her hooves in front of the other, each portion of her body screamed in protest. Her legs quivered and almost felt like they were confused, her walking was a little like a kitten trying to take its first steps. She almost crashed into a bush a couple of steps back. “So why did you ask me to help with this? I… ugh… harken back to what you said yester…day, Applebuck season wasn’t until next… nhhhnnn… week.”
“Ah made a bet,” Applejack shrugged.
Twilight Sparkle heaved again, trying to keep a lazy Barbra centered on her back and managing to lift agonizingly torturous amounts of apples, which proved itself to be a calamity in regards to her muscles. It would help if she would breathe a little bit better—lactic acid just ate away at the strength of her muscles. “A bet?” Twilight repeated, strained to even try to have a tone or even emotion in her voicesound anything regarding emotions. Or interest. “What was the bet?”
“Bring all these here apples to th’ barn by eleven-thirty,” Applejack answered. “If Ah do, Red Gala has ta walk through town wearin’ Gran-Pappy’s leather suit!” Applejack chortled.
“That doesn’t sound so bad,”
Applejack turned his head to Twilight. “It’s not that kind of suit, Sugarcube.” He chuckled darkly before winking. Twilight still had no idea what Applejack was talking about, but was in fact a bit concerned about the chuckle and the wink. (What does the wink mean, does it mean that he likes her? Does it mean that Twilight’s in a relationship now?! What do these gestures mean?!?) Barbra was doing her best to not laugh her dragon flanks off, snickering and snorting right into Twilight’s ears.
Twilight ‘accidentally’ allowed Barbra to fall off.
“Right,” Twilight felt a lot better without Barbra’s weight on her. “What was the stipulations?”
“Th’ what-now?”
“Terms and conditions?”
“Twi’, Ah don’t even own a computer and that sounds like somethin’ Ah wouldn’t read,”
“Ugh—not reading,” Twilight shuddered at those words. “What would you have to do if you lost?”
Earlier that morning.
“An’ what do Ah hafta do if YOU win?” challenged Applejack. Red Gala eyed him for a minute before she smiled with all hints of smugness radiating off of her large manure-eating grin. Applejack prepared for the most embarrassing thing
“WHEN Ah win, ya mean” she corrected. “Ya hafta lie ta Gran-Pappy Smith fer a day.”
Applejack snorted. “That all?”
“Nnope.”
“Say what-now?” Applejack was taken out of his thoughts of sweet, early victory. Applejack quickly regained his composure with a meaningful glare behind his cool and calculated face. “A’ight partner, what’s your game?” he inquired cautiously.
“Ya gotta tell 'em that ya knocked up that new librarian,” answered Red Gala with a hushed, meaningful, and downright diabolical tone. Applejack's eyes shrunk to pinpricks before gulping a big lump in his chest, his blood running with icy slush just as his cheeks blushed like a hot forge. If Gran-Pappy knew, or even thought for that matter, that somepony was fooling around with HIS grandchildren without marriage, the culprits would be on the alter and saying ‘I do’. Within minute of finding out. Six feet under if needed to be. Not to mention, Applejack might get a vasectomy afterwards. There will be hell to pay and Applejack couldn’t foot the bill.
“What’s th’ matter, Applejack?” Jested Red Gala with a hint of tease spiced in her words. “Ya ain’t a chicken, ain’tcha?” With that, a fire lit up inside Applejack stomach.
“Ah ain’t never been no chicken, an’ Ah’ll never will!” Applejack roared with indignation. “Ya got yerself a bet!”
“Err—Ah rather not say,” Applejack coughed suspiciously at his omission. Twilight Sparkle was too busy being broken in half by the apples plus+ Barbra on her back to notice or care, Sshe probably guessed it was probably to wear Gran-Pappy’s girdles the entire day.
“…Right, okay,” Twilight replied, regardless of the meaning behind the words, she didn’t really hear nor did she really care. “Bloody hell’s bells, I’m glad we’re all said and done with this. I’m famished. Exhausted too.”
“Tell me about it, lad,” Barbra agreed. “I bet I could eat a whole timberwolf and sleep for twenty years!”
“What do you mean you’re feeling tired? You’ve done nothing but sleep on my back, or been chuckin’ out apples left and right,” Twilight complained. “All the work you’ve done was throw apples at ponies who are trying to enjoy their jogging routines without being pelted by fruit.”
“It’ll teach them to exercise during tea-time,” Barbra muttered under her breath. “Speaking of which, I am hungry! I’ve been working so hard, I missed tea-time and my third snack! You know it is imperative that I get my fifteen snacks a day as a growing dragon so I can be big and strong!”
“Just because Butterscotch told you that rubbish when you went over to his house, doesn’t mean I’m just going to hoof over gems like my job depended on it!” Twilight Sparkle argued before sighing. Given as this was going literally nowhere with Barbra’s stubbornness and Twilight’s need to be right, Twilight Sparkle decided it would be beneficial to the both of them plus Applejack if she dropped it entirely. “Whatever, let’s just get to the farm before my spine breaks in half.”
Just then, as Barbra climbed on Twilight’s back (“Mind the wings!”), Barbra pulled out the reddest, shiniest, most delicious, most perfect-looking apple that Twilight Sparkle had ever seen in her life. It was like one of those moments in time when the world just stopped and admired this one absolutely perfect thing, just because none of the rest of its kind could ever compare to—
Barbra ate it.
Both Applejack and Twilight Sparkle glared daggers at Barbra, but neither of them said anything. They both have reasons to be peeved, but their reasons differ. Twilight wanted to donate the apple in a museum, the apple core more like, while Applejack wanted to sell the whole darn thing to a museum, after taking its’ seeds and replant the whole farm with it. Barbra opened her eyes, after enjoying such a euphoric snack. Her mouth still had apple chunks on her lips and juices from the glorious apple ran down her chest and onto Twilight’s back. “What?”
Applejack shook his head disapprovingly whilst Twilight huffed and trudged on with a howling stomach. Barbra retched.
“You alright? That apple wasn’t poisoned or anything?” Twilight turned her head to the choking reptile. “Barbs?”
Barbra burped up fire and out came a rolled up scroll with Solaris’s royal seal. The sky suddenly became dark and weary, lightning cracked across the sky like a whip and thunder roared with the intensity of a dragon. Any hope that Twilight Sparkle had of absconding from her eventual and inevitable doom became sucked out of her chest. Her fate was sealed.
“That’s odd weather,” Applejack mentioned. Barbra blinked, shrugged, wiped her mouth, and read the newest letter from the prince.
My Dearest Student,
As you know, and quite certainly I know from all of the letters you won’t stop sending to me, The Grand Galloping Gala is right around the corner. As always, it is always imperative that you must come to improve on culture – and all of that nonsense. Because I have issued a decree, per my executive power, I hereby declare you will remain in Ponyville until you made friends—not just ‘special meaning-acquaintances’ like that would change the narrative of me buying you a house in Ponyville at all. Also, the study of friendship is now a legitimate topic and you will send me Friendship reports from now on, every week. Starting today.
Upon this new information, I have made it an assignment. You will come to The Grand Galloping Gala this year, it is MANDITORY and NON-NEGOTIABLE that your attendance and compliance is present. I have made it into an assignment. You will fail this assignment if you do not meet the following criteria or if do not come at all. Failure will lead to a very disappointed mentor.
Barbra’s attendance is irrelevant. She is welcome to attend if she wishes (I suspect this is highly unlikely). This mostly applies to you, Twilight.
Your criteria are as follows—Attendance. Tactfulness. Appearance. Presentation of Self. Compliance.
I do not doubt you will attend. I look forward to it.
—With Love and Care,
Solaris.
P.S: Again, there is an ulterior motive for the firm hoof.
P.S.S: I changed the invitation from “Twilight Velvet Sparkle & Barbra da Draco” to “Twilight Velvet Sparkle, plus date.” You won't be allowed entry without your plus one.
“Plus WHAT?!?!” Twilight exclaimed. She didn’t know what she was feeling, if it was shame or indignation. “This has to be some kind of sick joke! Failure?! Friendship reports?! A BLOODY DATE?!?! Where in Solaris’ nonexistent shaving cream will I get a date!? I’ve never been on one in my whole life!”
“Quit being a Nancy colt,” Barbra snorted, “It’s not the end of the world.”
“It’s the end of the world as I know it,” Twilight Sparkle rambled. “I’m going to blink and suddenly, Solaris is pushing me onto an alter with somepony who he probably never met!”
“Twi’…”
“I’m doomed! I can’t get a date if I even TRIED!”
“Twi’,”
“I’m going to fail Solaris and he’s going to be disappointed with me!”
“TWI’, GOSH DARNIT” Applejack snapped a branch to get the mare’s attention because of the lack of fingers. “You’re drillin’ one of mah trees wit’ yer horn!”
Twilight blinked, she was walking into a tree. She pried herself out of the tree and she popped out onto the ground. Barbra and the apples fell onto the grass. Twilight Sparkle fell right on her haunches
“Sorry,” Twilight apologized.
“Forget about it,” Applejack waved a hoof in dismissal. “Besides, Ah could be yer date.”
“Wait what?” Twilight Sparkle blinked, her panic levels raised way above outburst and getting dangerously close to full-on alicorn meltdown. This was cold-war levels kind of paranoia, Defcon 2, and it was getting too close for any iota of comfort.
“Keep it together, cowgirl,” Applejack managed to say before Twilight became one hundred percent nuclear. “Ya see, mah family’s in a mighty tight spot... money wise…”
Everypony knows that anypony who’s anypony goes to the Grand Galloping Gala. Even at an invitation-only event, the Gala holds a guest list of roughly 2,500 visitors, each with their pockets full of jingling bits and their stomachs a’roaring.
This is where I come in.
If I were to open up one stand, just one stand, every single one of those uptight billionaires and fancy aristocrats, who don’t know a good apple pie from a pie fished out of the trash, would line up to get some homemade Apple family love, edible and deluxe edition. Remastered with DLC packs, all of them packed with all of the love a trust-fund college brat can enjoy. My family will be practically swimming in their bits. They may even like my cooking so much; they might want to open a trading contract, just like the Rich family!
Why, with all that money, we could really fix up the place, like replacing that saggy old roof on the barn, that saggy old plow, and we could even pay fer Gran-Pappy’s neck operation! Think about it, Twi’! The crazy old stallion could dance the night away again! With all that surplus of profit, if you want, we could even give some money to charity, so the school and library could have some new fancy-schmancy learning stuff!
Somethin’ special, like a ‘tahbit’ or whatever it’s called!
“That’s brill, Apple—oof!” Barbra continued to chuck apples out the saddlebags with bogus excuses like ‘Too phallus looking’ and ‘this one looks like your dreams, Twilight!’. The apple that was supposedly shaped like Twilight’s dreams was casted out of Barbra’s claws, it thwacked Twilight on the head and landed between Twilight Sparkle and Applejack.
It landed in a dry mud. Synonymously, that dream was crushed by the hooves of a certain cyan pony with jagged rainbow mane, who was falling from the tree Twilight was previously drilling into.
“Sorry, I was busy doing totally wicked stunts but then I couldn’t help but hear a incredibly sexy mare mention something about the Grand Galloping Gala!” Rainbow Blitz said with confidence, puffing out his chest and flexing his very built muscles for Twilight to gawk at. Twilight wasn’t as much ‘gawking’ as she was trying to register the outright and forward flirt from Rainbow Blitz, at the same time trying to figure out what exactly did he mean by sexy? As in her sex, being female? Or as in some kind of… Oh.
Twilight understood now.
“You were napping in that there tree, weren’tcha?” Applejack deadpanned with an irritated look.
“Uh,” Rainbow Blitz’s chest slightly deflated. “Would it be a lie if I said I wasn’t at first?”
Applejack sucked in breath through his nose before exhaling through his mouth, his breath directed away from them. Applejack removed his Stetson from his head and wiped his forehead before placing it back on. A, a cool and collected Applejack was a lot… lot worse. It was like an icy fury.
“When Ah asked you, earlier, ta’ help harvest an’ carry these apples,” Applejack said coolly. “You told me you had important things to do as captain of th’ weather team.”
“I did,” Rainbow Blitz answered. “Then I got done, flew around and did some kick-flank stunts, and took a nap here.”
“Gosh DAR—” Applejack held his tongue, being careful of what he’s saying before he starts burning bridges with his life-long friend. “Blitz, Ah love ya. Yer like a brother ta’ me, but you have no idea how much Ah hate your laziness and in-api-whatever attitude ta’ get any work done.”
“Ineptitude,” Twilight Sparkle corrected.
“Sparkle!” Rainbow Blitz snapped. “Whose side are you on here?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Why would I need to take sides if I wanted to correct a mispronounced word? It is a civic duty to help ponies with mispronunciation!”
“Grammar Nazi,” Applejack murmured, which earned a glare from Twilight. “What? You’ve been dogging Applebuck to stop usin’ run-on sentences whenever he writes—you made him correct grammar mistakes when he was given that punishment to write a sentence over and over again!”
“Unbelievable,” Twilight puffed.
“Anyways, you’re my bro A.J (sappy stuff aside), but you’re being obtuse to the manner of the situation!” Rainbow Blitz tried to evade, “You think it’s easy being the most radical thing alive?” He paused for a moment, and then continued. “Actually, it’s a walk in the park for me. But what if I wanted to do something wicked cool (like save Equestria for instance, or chug a whole barrel of Zap Apple Cider in one sitting)? I have to recharge my dude-batteries from time to time, just a little.” Applejack snorted, rolled his eyes, and shrugged.
“Yer ‘dude-batteries’ either suck or they weren’t included when yer momma made you,” she deadpanned. “Speakin’ of which, didn’t yer momma ever tell ya not ta spy on other ponies?”
“Jaw it, Farmcolt,” Blitz shushed, causing Applejack to raise an eyebrow and restrain himself from strangling his friend. “The Coolcolt and the Broad are talking.” Blitz turned to Twilight, placing a hoof on the drilled in tree as he stood on his hind legs. Twilight responded to this sudden invasion of her privacy by rearing up and pressing against the tree. “So you have tickets, Sparkle?”
“A-actually…” Twilight rubbed the back of her neck nervously. This was almost reminiscent of her teenage years in the University, when being protégé of Solaris actually meant something to the pea—COMMONERS of Equestria. Jocks in Varsity Jackets hovering over nerds like Twilight, while passerby stallions like Applejack looked on or minded their own business. The good nerd always falls for the bad-colt Jock. Swoon. Not. “I… uh… right, so you see was—”
“She’s taking me!” Applejack flared up. Twilight Sparkle blushed madly, given the context was easy to be mistaken for. “Not you, ya lazy sum’ gun!”
“Like HAY she is taking you, you grass chewing hard-flank!” Rainbow Blitz flared up. He turned back to Twilight. “Him?! Why settle for a stiffer like him when you can take the totally decorated celebrity talking to you?”
“Because Twilight’s more of a celebrity than you?” Barbra asked with the straightest face she could manage in this situation. “If anything, you would only become known as the pony Twilight took to the Gala with.”
“Barb.” Blitz looked at the baby dragon. “Not cool, man.” Blitz turned back to Twilight. “Say, why did you freak about the whole ‘disappointed Solaris’ thing?”
“Uh….” Twilight would REALLY love some space between them. Perhaps a whole continent and three seas will suffice. Only if they were on different planets, that is.
“Stiffer!?” Applejack shoved Blitz off of Twilight, who stood next to Barbra. Twilight Sparkle was amazed by the ferocity in each other’s voice, weren’t they supposed to be life-long friends or something?! Barbra felt awkward, being the fourth wheel. “Last Ah recall, Twi’ asked ME! An’ jus’ what do you plan at doin’ at th’ Gala, anyways? Seeing them Dundervolts fly around with their stupid lil’ tricks?”
“Applejack, if you ever call their tricks stupid again, I will sneak into your house on a random night and murder you as you sleep,” Rainbow Blitz said. “If you ever call them ‘Dundervolts’ again, I will personally burn this entire farm down,” Applejack wasn’t moved. “I’m not going to just WATCH them with Twilight, I’m going to JOIN them in the presence of Twilight!”
The Wonderbolts would dazzle the crowd, as always. With everypony watching them, the audience would have no idea what several flavors of awesome would shower them with her presence. Suddenly, a lone rainbow-colored streak in the sky would flash as a speeding object would break the Wonderbolt’s performance. Who is that? WHAT is that?
It’s just me, Rainbow motherbucking Blitz! The crowd would erupt in cheers at my several custom-made flying tricks. And boy, I’ll show all of them! From the Light-Speed Spiral to the Determinative Dash, the crowd would go bonkers at every single bucking minute! They would love me so much; they would get a smoke machine and a DJ, just to make me look more awesome! After being blown away with my performance, the Wonderbolts will welcome me into their ranks with open hooves.
“Oi, Rainbow Blitz!” my incredibly hot Canterlis nerd would call out. “Pip, pip! I think you’re the bloody coolest wanker I ever had my eyes to lay upon! Cheerio, Pip-pip! I could never ever think about having tea and crumpets with you! All I ever drink is tea alone!”
“Thanks,” I’d say nonchalantly (whatever that means). “But you’re wrong, Twilight. In fact, I think I’ll lower my standards just this once, just to hang out with you a while.”
“R-r-r-r-really?” she’d stutter in that motherbucking adorable accent. “Y-y-y-you do that?”
“Sure, why not?” I’d answer. “But let’s make this quick, I just got accepted into the Wonderbolts, and I don’t wanna keep them waiting.”
“Jolly good show! Jolly good show!” she’d blurt out, practically orgasming. “Ohhh Blitz~” She would moan my name, unable to keep her hooves off of me. “I can’t take this game of playing hard to get anymore! Take me!”
“With pleasure,” And then we’d have the best, mind-exploding sex ever. Like the kind of sex where you can’t walk for two whole days, kind of bump, thus I will be immortalized by her as her first groupie.
“I can’t believe you sat through all of that without puking,” Barbra mused at Twilight, who was visibly disgusted.
“Solaris Blimey…” Twilight shuddered a little. “I swallowed it.”
“Rainbow, that there’s th' silliest story Ah’ve ever heard,” Applejack said, pulling Blitz out of his quixotic fallacy. “Th’ Wonderbolt don’t even perform at th’ Gala! Besides, she asked me first, ain’t that right Twi’?”
“Actually, Applejack, you asked me, if we’re open,” corrected Twilight. “And I’m not sure if you can go without ponies seeing us as a couple, which might be a bad thing for the both of us.”
“Yeah! So the ticket’s mine!” Cheered Rainbow Blitz. “Suck on that, Farmcolt!”
“I never said that!” Twilight exclaimed, and was ignored.
Twilight Sparkle’s eye twitched, she was getting tired of these shenanigans really quick. In fact, she was even starting to think taking either one of them will be a horrible idea because of the repercussions that would strain the friendships with her special-meaning acquaintances.
“Oh, yeah?” said Applejack, his anger rising. “Well, Ah challenge ya ta a hoof-wrassle fer it!”
“I’m all game, Blondike!” And with that, the two stallions were locked in a ruthless close quarters skirmish, with the gladiator being a nearby stump. Each pony was instantly pressed to their physical limits as Solaris’ mighty sun beat down on them. Truly, this was a hoof-wrestle for the centuries! Unfortunately, the winner would not be determined because of Twilight breaking the two up.
This time, they just argued bickered relentlessly
All the while they were arguing, Twilight kept being the middle mare keeping them apart from ripping and tearing into one another. Twilight’s irritation meters were going up and rising past the point of cooling off through any meditation. To any other pony, it would look like Twilight was playing mediator. To Barbra and any other dragon worth their salt, it was a classic case of Auspisticism. Really, really complicated stuff—dragon relationships were.
Applejack struggled in Twilight’s magic. “Buck you!”
Rainbow Blitz struggled along with Applejack. “Buck you!”
“Both of you need to calm down!” Twilight stamped her hoof, stomping on an apple and crushing the poor victim of war. “Crickey! This is MY decision! This ticket nor me is some trophy to fight for!”
“Yeah, it is,” Applejack disagreed.
“Yeah, you are,” said Rainbow Blitz at the same time.
“You’re both wrong,” Twilight shook her head, but she was ignored once again.
Rainbow Blitz stamped his hoof. “Don't you see, Twilight? This could be my one chance to show 'em my stuff. You gotta take me!”
“Ah ain’t gonna repeat mahself again,” Applejack flared up once more. “Ah asked fer that ticket first.”
“Okay? Rainbow Blitz snorted. “That doesn't mean you own it.
“Twilight!”
“Twilight!”
All too soon, they begin to flood Twilight.
“Drummin' up business fer th’ farm?”
“A chance to audition for the Wonderbolts?”
Applejack insisted. “Money t' fix Gran-Pappy's neck.”
“Living the dream!” Rainbow Blitz mooned.
When Twilight couldn’t give a coherent answer, they went back to sizing each other up. The tension was so thick; you couldn’t even cut it with a lightsaber.
The stallions disregarded her entirely now and stared down each other, ready to start a no-holds-barred brawl, possibly involving Twilight in referee clothes, an octagon ring, a hearse on standby, and some barbed wire. Three whole minutes passed, and not a word was spoken.
“Ahem!” Thinking that Twilight is a horrible auspistice, Barbra cleared her throat loudly. “Say, lads? How about we discuss this after lunch, maybe there can be even something of a compromise?”
Note to self, give Barbra a big huge kiss. “Right, I’m famished! I’ll get back to you on the Gala ticket after lunch, I promise.”
“I (Ah) can treat you (y’all) to lun—” Both stallions begun before Barbra gave them a glare worthy making Solaris feel degraded with his own disappointing stare.
“No.” Barbra answered for Twilight as she absconded from the farm hastily.
Applejack peered at Blitz. Blitz returned his glance. They nodded simultaneously for they both knew what must happen. Both athletes grip each other’s hooves and shook it, it was a dance of thorns. A contest to win over Twilight’s favor and earn that ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala while the loser bites their dust.
Twilight had already decided the thousandth time Barbra asked. Twilight Sparkle trotted nervously in the direction of her favorite restaurant. It was her favorite because the stallion who served her the most was Mandolin from Canterlot! It was always nice to talk to Mandolin, a mint colored unicorn who frantically goes on about ‘humans’. He’s such a sweet heart, if not delusional by the obsessive glamor over the mythological beast. He’s also a homosexual, which is like the golden mine for any mare like Twilight to be frie—err… ‘special meaning acquaintances’ with!
“So, whose gonna be your date?” Barbra teased, pestering Twilight’s already questionable patience. “C’mon, you know you like both of the buggers.”
“I don’t know!” The purple alicorn shouted before conjuring up a pillow to scream into. Barbra was taken aback by the sudden outburst. “If I pick Rainbow Blitz, he’s forever going to think I’m in love with him, that sad sorry bastard! Applejack’s family will suffer for my opportunity cost! If I pick Applejack, Blitz will have an absolute blooming meltdown! ARGH, I DON’T WANT TO TAKE EITHER OF THEM.”
As if that was a cue for Bubble Berry to crash right through the Spa Window, Bubble Berry did so with ease. “Gah! Bats! Bats on my face! Help! Wait, these aren't... tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?!” Twilight Sparkle shoved her face into her hoof, now the Pink Nightmare wanted part of this roundabout game. “It's the most amazing incredible tremendous super-fun wonderful terrifically humongous party in all of Equestria! I've always always always wanted to go!”
Bubble Berry inhaled, and Twilight knew to cover hear ears for this.
One music piece via context later, Twilight took off the ear muffs while Barbra was trying to make sure she wasn’t deaf herself. Twilight didn’t hear a thing Bubble Berry said and she was glad she didn’t. It would only make telling him twice as hard.
“OH THANK YOU, TWILIY!” Bubble Berry immediately started to kiss all over Twilight’s face, who struggled valiantly to escape the pink clasp of the Pink Demon. Twilight finally managed to pry herself loose when Barbra found a crowbar from Bubble’s tail and pried the two of them together. “FOR THE MOST WONDERFUL-EST GIFT EVER!”
“I—what” Twilight was rubbing her face to get the feeling of Bubble Berry’s kisses off of her, still shocked and trying to forget this ever happened. “A-actually—”
“Dear lords, Bubble Berry!” Elusive chastised as he and Butterscotch walk out the door with robes on and towels on their heads. Butterscotch still had a cucumber on his left eye. Twilight sniffed the air and smelled seaweed wraps. Elusive took a look at Twilight. “Twilight, my fair mare, I believe you caught me in an awkward and revealing situation!”
“Not at all,” Twilight thought she finally managed to get the unpleasant feeling of being forcefully kissed—not just on her lips but everywhere on her face. She decided not to tell Elusive, for Elusive might commence pistol duels with Bubble Berry and Prince Artemis. “I was just telling Bub—”
“She’s taking me to the Grand Galloping Gala!” Bubble Berry bounced. “Whoop-sce-be-doo! Doop-sha-levity-doo!”
“I am n—”
Elusive cut Twilight off. “The gala? I design ensembles for the gala every year, but I've never had the opportunity to attend. Oh, the society, the culture, the glamour! It's where I truly belong, and where I'm destined to meet her.”
“You said her in italics, that must mean she’s relevant in this subplot!” Bubble Berry asked. “Too bad you’re not going, but I can relay a message! OOO! I’ll throw her a party in your honor! What’s the lucky lady’s name?”
Her.
I would stroll through the gala, and everyone would wonder, "Who is that mysterious mare?" They would never guess that I was just a simple pony from little old Ponyville.
Why, I would cause such a sensation that I would be invited for an audience with Prince Solaris himself and the prince would be so taken with the style and elegance that she would introduce me to her, his niece: the fairest, eligible unicorn mare in Canterlot. Our eyes would meet; our hearts would melt.
Our courtship would be magnificent. I would ask for her hoof in marriage, asking the Princes for blessing, and of course she will say
“Yes!” We would have a royal wedding, befitting a duke, which is [giggles] what I would become upon marrying her, the mare of my dreams.
“That sounds very unobtainable and shallow,” Twilight and Barbra deadpanned simultaneously, but Elusive wasn’t listening.
“My fair mare, I must state my grievances that you would prevent me from meeting my truest love,” Barbra looked hurt. “By inviting Bubble Berry so he could… party. Forgive me for my openness and reaction, but how could you? Hmph.”
“W-well, listen, guys,” Twilight stammered. “I really haven’t decided who gets the extra ticket.”
Elusive and Bubble Berry are snapped out of their trance. “You haven’t?!” They both exclaimed at the same time.
“Um… excuse me, Twilight. I would just like to ask, I mean if that’s all right, if you haven’t given it to someone else…”
“You? You want to go to the Gala?”
Oh, no. I mean, yes, or, actually, kind of. You see, it's not so much the Grand Galloping Gala as it is the wondrous private gated garden that surrounds the dance.
The flowers are said to be the most beautiful and fragrant in all of Equestria. For the night of the gala, and that night alone, would they all be in bloom... and that's just the flora! Don't get me started on the fauna. There's loons and toucans and bitterns, oh my!
Hummingbirds that can really hum, and buzzards that can really buzz. White-blue jays, and red jays, and green jays, pink jays and pink flamingos!
“Gee… that’s… beautiful…?” Twilight was exasperated at this point. “I—”
“Hold it!” Bliz yelled from above a cloud.
“Blitz!” Twilight flinched, “Were you following me?”
“No! Wait…I mean, yes! NONO… I mean, maybe?” Blitz stammered over his words. He backpedaled just right, however. “Look, it doesn't matter. I couldn't risk a goody-four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anypony.”
“Wow, she’s like your friend (maybe) and you’re referring to her like a stranger,” Barbra commented but was ignored.
“Wait jus’ another minute!” Applejack came out from behind a tree. Twilight Sparkle rubbed the bridge of her snout with her hoof.
“Oh for crying out loud,” Twilight’s head was starting to hurt and she was hungry. “Did you follow me too? Is this going to be a new thing now?!”
“No,” Applejack answered flatly. “Ah was followin’ this scamp here to makes sure he didn’t try nothin’ funny! Like tryin’ to take mah ticket.”
“Your ticket?!” Blitz roared. “You’re trying to steal my date!”
“But Twilight’s taking me!” Complained Bubble Berry. “AND DATE?! THIS IS NOT CANON, I REFUSE IT.”
“Ahem…” Elusive took the cucumbers off his eyes. “Gentlecolts, we all know whose getting that ticket and it’s me. I will win her heart and that ticket if it kills me.”
Twilight left them to their own accord, thinking they will straighten themselves out before daybreak.
“Well, you’re in a bit of a pinch,” Barbra pointed out, which only made Twilight dip her head back into her pillow and scream as loud as she can again. Twilight felt like she was in a teenage romance movie with one of those shifty platonic love triangles (or hexagons). Of course Twilight has seen these movies and thought them to be of what life would be like in Secondary School like a regular pony would be during the awkward stages of puberty. IT WAS AWFUL AND THE HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA WAS AWFUL TOO. (even though Twilight has only seen it happen through a screen)
“Hey, chin up, mate!” Barbra petted Twilight’s ears. This soothed her immediately and she felt like new. Barbra always did this whenever Twilight would get too distraught to see reason, it was sort of like a reset button for her. Barbra is the only one allowed to rub her ears, anyone else who tried (Solaris) almost got their forelegs bitten off by an angst-filled, hormone-fueled, and emotionally susceptible teenage protégé. “C’mon, let’s go get some grub and settle this whole thing out.”
“Nnnnhhh, okay,” Twilight torched the pillow into smoke and continued trotting to the restaurant.
Finally, food for thought and thought for food! Twilight sat hungrily at the table while Barbra completely mashed her hay-fries. Twilight felt disgusted yet impressed by Barbra’s metabolism and eating habits. The greasy hay-fries deeply fried of any and all nutritional value and enough salt to make every beach goer float in the sea!
As Barbra shoveled in a handful of the fries into her awaiting cavern of teeth sharp enough to pierce the heavens, she looked up at Twilight. “Wampf fhum?” She spoke with her mouth full, not even bothering to cover it. Bits of hay and grease fly towards Twilight, who catches the cocktail of saliva, hay, and grease into her magic and puts them in a napkin.
“No thanks,” Twilight shook her head. “I’ll wait for my food.”
Barbra swallowed… well, it was more like gulped a lump the size of Twilight’s head. Twilight has seen this before and it never ceases to amaze her. Snake like properties among with the diet of a goat! Truly amazing.
Twilight decided to keep this comment to herself, as any good mare with respect does.
“Your daisy sandwich with extra turnip paste, and shall I refill your teacup, Ms. Sparkle?” Mandolin asked in a formal tone. It was like Mandolin was in the military with all of this sharpness, what happened to the eccentric colt from two months ago when Twilight left Canterlot? “Also, are you going to eat in the rain?”
“Mate, you don’t have to be so formal, it’s a little unnerving,” Twilight Sparkle assured the mint colored colt. “You’re going to get a generous tip, I assure you. What rain? I don’t see any rain.”
“Between you and me, Sparkle,” Mandolin leaned into Twilight’s ears and whispered. “I am only being a shock-troop like this because my boss is a blooming nightmare! He expects us to be military precision! I’m going bonkers but I need this job, so could you please just play along?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, please do,” Twilight whispered right back. “It’s good to see you, Mandolin, we should catch up sometime.” Twilight bit the inside of her cheek as she thought outloud.
“Oh my lord!” Mandolin, through a hushed giggle, gave a grin. “Are you asking if we can hang out?” Mandolin raised an eyebrow playfully, “Who are you and what have you done to the mare next door, who never walked out of it?”
“Being forced out of my comfort zone,” Twilight admitted. “Still, you and Bon-Bon are always welcome to come to the library and we can watch—”
“Surelock Homes!” Mandolin finished for Twilight. Twilight held her breath, waiting for the answer to her half-hearted and uncooked idea. Mandolin looked over his shoulder and gulped. “Look, I’ll hold you on that offer… Twilight was it?”
Twilight nodded.
“Well, it’s been nice being chummy but I gotta get back to work,” Mandolin conjured up a kettle of hot tea and poured it into Twilight’s teacup. Twilight Sparkle’s eyebrows furrowed as she witnessed the entire laws of quantum physics being broken into two like twigs. “Good day!”
“How did you—okay, you too...?” Twilight decided to drop the impossibility and take a sip from her refilled Teacup. Barbra looked between Twilight Sparkle and Mandolin, raising an eyebrow. “Oh hush, he’s not into mares.”
“Ah,” Barbra wiped her mouth with her arm. The savage! “So you have a gay friend finally?”
“Barbra! You can’t just say that willy-nilly!” Twilight chastised through hushed teeth. “For starters, he is another one of my ‘special-meaning acquaintances’ and we don’t even know if homosexuality is accepted in Ponyville like in Canterlot!”
“I don’t see why it matters,” Barbra shrugged and turned to some random stallion with an assortment of berries for a cutie mark. “Excuse me, sir, but are you a colt-cuddler?”
“Am I?!” The stallion held up a ring and a minty blue stallion with hair that reminded Twilight of toothpaste. The toothpaste stallion had a cutie mark of a toothbrush. “Why, I’m married to this one!” The stallion then proceeded to carry the toothpaste haired stallion like a suitcase into the store.
“Uh… sure,” Barbra replied before turning back to a confused Twilight Sparkle. The stallions were now inside the restaurant. “Oh.”
“…” Twilight Sparkle said nothing and took a bite of her sandwich. This sandwich is absolutely amazing! It’s nutritious, it’s delicious, it’s—
Wait a minute. Those colt-cuddlers were rushing inside when Barbra turned to bother them. Speaking of Barbra, where the dickens is she? Why did she run inside on a clear sunn—Oh screw this oblivious thought, Twilight knew exactly what the hay is going on.
Twilight turned her head upwards. “BLITZ!” Twilight yelled into the patch of clouds that allowed the rays of sunlight. Like a groundhog (more like skyhog), Rainbow Blitz popped his head through the patch of clouds.
“Hey, I was just thinking of you!” Blitz gave a confident and friendly smile, but Twilight saw right through him.
“Blitz,” Twilight Sparkle groaned. “I can’t take this along with everything else, so please – no favors, it won’t work.”
Blitz looked insulted, but he wasn’t. “Twilight! You would actually think that I would go out of my way to do this for some lousy—epic bucking ticket that will make all of my dreams come true and allow me to do all I want.”
“I don’t know if you just flirted with me or if you’re actually starting to think I am your marefriend...” Twilight Sparkle shook her head, right now is not the time to get your priorities mixed up! “Nevermind, NO. FAVORS.”
“Twi—”
“NO FAVORS, NOW COVER UP THAT SUN AND LET ME EAT IN THE RAIN!”
“If you insist,” Blitz pulled the cotton-like cloud over the whole. Now Twilight can enjoy her meal! It’s nutritious, it’s delicious, it’s—
Soggy.
Twilight Sparkle was now Drenchlight Wetkle. Her mane was plastered to her eyes, but she knew every stallion that wasn’t hooked with another pony was staring at Twilight. She could feel their eyes burning into her soul. Twilight moved the mane right from her eyes. She gripped the soggy sandwich so hard, it crumbled within her hoof grasp.
“To the one pony in town I know who’s not gone completely bonkers,” Twilight toasted sourly as she held up the rain filled teacup. “Yet.” Twilight took a sip of the rain and spat it out. It tasted salty.