//------------------------------// // Tunnel snakes rule! // Story: Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// Authors note: I thought I'd mention that this story is 100% canon and there is nothing you can do about it. This is what the ponies are doing while we wait for season 3. Problem? --------------- We walked all the way back to the castle, or rather, he walked. Or trotted, whatever. Anyway, I wasn't too happy about being carried around like a new born child so I sat there with my arms crossed. "Stupid idiot unicorns and their stupid idiot magic. I oughta punch ALL the unicorns after this..." I grumbled to myself. I was pretty upset at the time, sorry for all the QQ. My gracious carrier just ignored me as he levitated me towards the castle. Dang, it was gonna take several minutes at this rate. I can't remember a time when I've had to sit there for that long without doing anything. Usually there's at least someone to shoot at, and if there isn't than I run around looking for someone to shoot at. It was at that point that I decided that I need some way to entertain myself. If I just sat there for several minutes I would literally die of boredom. So I started singing. "Tunnel snakes rule! We're the tunnel snakes! That's us, and we rule rule r-r-r-r-rule!" I pretty much just repeated that verse a bunch as we walked through the castle. I got some pretty weird looks from the ponies we passed, especially when we stopped by what I assumed was the medical bay, but it was worth it. I didn't stop until we got to a big fancy door in the middle of the castle. I could only assume that this is where he was taking me as he stopped in front of it and whispered to one of the guards stationed by it. The guard simply nodded and pushed the big door open for us to enter. I wasn't sure exactly where we were going until I saw the throne room behind the door with Celestia and Luna sitting in big chairs. Aw shit, this was gonna' be awkward. They noticed us instantly and I saw a big trollish smile appear on Celestia's face. "Oh, Shining Armor, what a pleasant surprise. And I see you've met our guest." "Yes. I found our guest outside, beating up a bunch of my guards while they were training!" Right to the point... Luna couldn't help but giggle when she heard this, but the angry look on Shining Armor's face quickly silenced her. "How many guards exactly?" Asked Celestia after a moment. "About fifteen." I replied for Shining Armor while examining my fingers as though it was no big deal. "Are they... Are they dead?" "What? No, I went easy on them." It was the truth. She sighed and rubbed her face with a hoof for a few seconds before looking back at me. "You want to explain to me WHY you decided to beat up a group of MY guards?" Oh shit, here comes the lecture. Oh well, I was gonna' play it off like it was no big deal, so I shrugged. "I was bored." "And you thought it would be a good idea to get into a fight with a bunch of guards?" "Yeah, I'm glad you understand. Now can you put me down?" I was getting pretty tired of being carried around, and by the way Shining Armor was now sweating and breathing heavily, he was getting tired of carrying me. Of course he looked to the princess before deciding on anything. She nodded to him so he dropped me onto the ground. I grunted and stood up, he didn't have to drop me like that... Celestia sighed again. "I'm gonna need a better explanation than 'I was bored'." "Alright, well I was kinda' just looking for something to do and I saw the guards training. In retrospect, I pretty much picked a fight with them. Yeah, it was kinda' a dick move... Anyways, they attacked me first with their sticks and so I beat them up." I noticed the glare that Celestia was giving me so I thought I'd make it look a little better. "At least I didn't use any weapons." Celestia once again started to rub her face, just with both front hoofs this time. She was clearly frustrated with my behavior. "Shining Armor could you get a medical team to go and check on them?" "Already did." He saluted. He talked to some medical ponies on the way in, which was made weird by my singing. Celestia nodded and then turned back to me. "I hope you know that normally you would go straight to the dungeon for assaulting castle guards, but since you're new I guess I can let you off with a warning." The real reason is that she wanted me to help her, I just know it. Then she noticed my monocle. "Where'd you get the monocle from?" I snickered as the great memory from earlier today came back to me. "Some gracious pony was nice enough to give it to me. It's quite surprising, these gems must be worth a fortune." "Huh? Gems are fairly common, they aren't worth very much." "WHAT!? Awww that sucks, I thought it was worth a lot." Now I was dissapoint. Oh well, it's still worth a lot where I come from. "I think it makes you look like quite the gentlecolt." Said Luna while giggling wildly. "Sister, we should not encourage this kind of behavior." Said Celestia sternly. "Well excuuuuuse me princess! I just wanted something to do." Celestia once again face hoofed. At this rate, she was probably going to accidently pull her whole face off. "You could have just asked for something to do. Why don't you go make something in the kitchen or something?" I don't think I've ever cooked anything, but that didn't sound like too bad of an idea. I'll probably just end up throwing random ingredients together... "Meh, alright. Where's the kitchen?" "Shining Armor, do you think you can show Halo man to the kitchen?" The frown on his face showed that he wasn't happy about letting me go off without punishment, but he bowed to the princesses. "Of course princess." Celestia smiled down at him. "You know you don't have to call me princess. I'm your aunt, you don't have to be so formal with me." "I'm sorry princess, but it doesn't seem proper for the captain of the guard to disregard formalities like that." "Alright, let's go!" I said while swinging my arm in an overly dramatic way. I didn't really want to get caught up in a family moment or something. Shining Armor just turned and started walking out the doors again. I turned towards the thrones as I left and gave the best mock salute I could manage. "Don't worry princesses, I'll make something real good!" I then turned and followed Shining Armor. After following him for a few moments I decided to strike up a conversation since it was apparent that he wasn't going to start one. "So, you're a guard captain huh? You ever fight in any wars?" He turned his head towards me as we were walking and raised one eyebrow. "Wars? We haven't had any wars here in hundreds of years! Everypony knows what." "Hmm, just give it time. I'm sure the aliens will come incinerate your planet eventually." "What are you talking about aliens?" He looked extremely confused at this point. Le sigh. They don't even know about the Cover... Covener... Convoyer... Covenant! Yeah Covenant, that's what they're called! The aliens! I briefly thought about the ponies fighting a bunch of aliens. It was amusing at first, then I realized the ponies would get raped in a war with them. "Don't worry about it. Soooo you and Celestia are related. That must be pretty cool." Shining Armor continued to stare at me for a few more seconds before he decided that whatever I had said about aliens wasn't important. "I married her niece. So yeah, she's my aunt now." "That's cool." It wasn't really cool, I just didn't know what else to say. Thankfully, we were at the kitchen now. Shining Armor stopped by the door. "Here's the kitchen, now I have important things to do. Try not to get into any more fights or I'll come up here and personally drag you to the dungeons." This was clearly meant to intimidate me, but I'm a halo. I doesn't afraid of anything! "Yeah whatever." I then turned and walked into the kitchen where I was immediately met by a scene of chaos. There were kitchen workers scurrying around all over the place making things. The chef quickly took notice of me and walked over. I could tell he was the chef because he had a big chef hat and a long, well-groomed, black moustache. I didn't even think ponies could grow out their facial hair, I mean, they already have fur there. "Vat are you dojng in my kitchen?! Get out at vonce, ve are busy making ze lunch for le princess." He had one of the stupidest accents I've ever heard. I wasn't just going to turn around and leave though, I'm a man on a mission. A mission to make food! "The princess sent me here to make something." He scoffed at the idea of me making anything good. "Fine, but stay out of my vay!" He turned around and left, leaving me to fend for myself in this unfamiliar terrain. I think the closest thing to a kitchen I've ever been into is that room with a fridge and a microwave at power house. I walked over to an uninhabited counter and started to think of what I could make. Then it came to me, it was so obvious. I can make pizza! I don't even think it's that hard to make. I then searched the cabinets for what I needed. For some reason, I know how to make pastry dough. I don't know where that knowledge came from, but I'm not gonna' question it. It wasn't hard to find the ingredients, they seemed to have a surplus of everything so I was able to quickly get to work. I even found a cool chef hat to wear atop my helmet while I worked. Unfortunately, there was no meat to be found, I'd have to make a cheese pizza. It's hardly even pizza without pepperoni... Then I remembered the perfect song to sing while making pizza, and I started singing it while I mixed the batter up in a bowl. Pizza, P-I-Z-Z-A. Gimme pizza. Uh, did I happen to say, I want pizza. P-I-Z-Z-A. I want pizza. Hey, are you ready to play? By this point I was getting really weird looks from all the other kitchen workers. Pshh, like I even care. Now set down the pizza and bring me some chicken. Throw it on top and make it finger lickin' Guacomole. Meatballs, whip cream pouring like waterfalls. Here's some salsa to make it hot. Here's a lot of ice cream to hit the spot. Toss the fish, let it fly, fly, fly, pizza pie. Pizza, P-I-Z-Z-A. Gimme pizza. Watch it rise like a soufflé. Gimme pizza. P-I-Z-Z-A. I want pizza. You think we should stop? Get your motors ready cause here we go. Chocolate sauce, spreading it slow. Oreos, marshmallows, caramel, coconut cream, egg foo young, chicken tongue. Hold the eyeballs. I'm gonna scream. Now don't forget the rice or mashed potatoes. And what about these fried green tomatoes? Batter's up, catcher's ready. 1-2-3-4-5...spaghetti! Pasta...Put it in the pizza. Fist sticks...Put it in the pizza. Ketchup...Put it in the pizza. Meatloaf...Put it in the pizza By the time I was done with my song, all the other chefs were looking at me in horror. I'll admit, it's a terrible song, but for some reason I find it really funny. I just ignored them as I took my finished pizza out of the oven. I think I made it way bigger than I should have, it's easily twice as much as I can possibly eat. Maybe I'll share. I then put my pizza on a big metal tray and walked out the kitchen door into the dining hall. I was surprised to see a bunch of ponies at all the tables, apparently they were about to get lunch or something. Most of the tables were filled with guards and who I assumed were the castle slaves. I even spotted some of the guards who I beat up earlier. I could only tell them apart from the others because they had bruises and they flinched when they saw me. Then I spotted a table with the princesses and the other six ponies I knew. Pinkie Pie started waving at me excitedly so I walked over and joined them. "Hey guys." "Hey Halo man!" They all said at once. I sat down at the big chair and set my huge tray of pizza on the table. The ponies all stared at it for a seconds before looking to me. "What's that?" Asked Applejack. Ok, apparently they don't know what pizza is... What kind of sick joke is this?! How does something even survive without pizza? Probably magic I guess. "It's....." I stood up and pointed my arm up with one finger pointed out dramatically. "PIZZA!" "Is it... Edible?" Said Twilight while poking a hoof towards it. "Heh, I don't know. Admittedly I don't think I've ever cooked before. I guess there's only one way to find out." I then pulled out my alien laser sword and carefully cut the pizza into a bunch of pieces. Sure, that's not what the sword was originally designed for, but it worked great as a pizza cutter.Then I grabbed one piece and pushed it into my visor. It was... Good... The crust could be crispier, and the tomato sauce to cheese ratio was a little off, but it wasn't bad. It could also use some toppings, but it was too late for that. "Heh, not bad. Unfortunately, there was no pepperoni in the kitchen. They must have used it all up or something. Anyways, do you guys want some?" The ponies looked at me, then at the pizza, then at each other. Then Pinkie Pie finally reached her arm out longer than it should have been able to stretch and grabbed a piece which she promptly devoured. "Mmmm, it's pretty good!" As she said that, the other ponies, including Celestia and Luna, decided that the food was safe and took their own pieces. They seemed to enjoy it moderately, but Pinkie really liked it. Then again, I think Pinkie Pie likes all food. Thankfully I made a lot or there wouldn't have been enough to go around. Of course, it didn't last long with Pinkie there... "That was pretty good, Halo man. I'm glad I suggested you go to the kitchen earlier." Said Celestia with a wink. I don't think she told the others about me beating up the guards. Then the kitchen staff brought out a bunch of plates of food that completely outclassed my terrible cooking. Stupid ponies actually knowing how to cook. The ponies spent the rest of the meal sharing stories about their shopping adventures that they had during the last few hours.