“This place is fucking massive!”
“Largest museum outside of Canterlot. About twice the size of the rifle museum we visited. We need to know every inch of the place.”
“What a pain in the ass…”
“Welcome to the big leagues, Dash.”
Dash and I stepped through the large, vast halls of the Ponyville Museum of Art and History, casing the biggest heist Mythos had ever attempted. The museum was packed, with a permanent buzz of conversation to mask our own. It made maneuvering through the place difficult, but not impossible. Of course, we would be trying to steal the gems, which was much harder than just walking around the place.
“How are we going to do this?” asked Dash.
“That would be why we're here, to figure it out. It won't be easy,” I said. “Let's take a look at the case, see what we can see.”
Dash and I slid through the crowd, maneuvering to the crowning jewels (no pun intended) of the museum; The Elements of Harmony sat at the back of the museum, in a room mostly to itself. Dash and I approached, stopping in front of the glass case. Sitting on a bed of velvet were six gems, each about the size of a grapefruit. We had the exhibit to ourselves for the time being, so we gawked at them for several moments before talking.
“They're big as hell,” muttered Dash.
“The largest gemstones ever pulled from the earth,” I said, awestruck. “Six gems, each found in different places, each the exact same size. According to legend, they used to be the weapons of an ancient band of warriors that defended Equestria from evil.”
“Yeah, I know. I didn’t completely fuck off during school,” said Dash. I was skeptical, and Dash could tell, so she set out to prove herself. “Each gem represents a different trait. The red one is loyalty, the pink one is compassion, the orange is integrity, the blueish purple one is generosity, light blue is laughter, and the pinkish purple one is magic.”
“Kindness, not compassion,” I corrected her. “And honesty, not integrity. But well done, Rainbow Dash. You do know your history.”
“Yeah, yeah, moving on,” she murmured. “How are we gonna snatch these?”
“Well, let's look at what won't work. We can’t gas the place like with the rifles, because this place is too big. I won’t be able to synthesize enough KO gas. We can't break the glass, or an alarm will trip. If we open the case without prior okay, the alarm will trip. If we manage a way around that, we wouldn’t be able to pick up the Elements, because they're on pressure plates. If the weight changes…”
“The alarm will trip, got it. What about a power outage? We kill the power, no alarm.”
“The doors and windows will bar themselves until the power returns,” I said with a shake of the head. Two girls came up to view the exhibit, so Dash and I scooted over a bit, keeping our volume down. “We'll be trapped until we turn the power on, which would require a third party. Also, the alarm would trip.”
“This couldn't be easy, could it?”
“Of course not. That'd be boring.” I tapped my foot impatiently. “Look, we’ve been here for too long. Let’s just head home and grab something to eat. Maybe we’ll figure something out when we have some food in our stomachs.”
“Sure, whatever,” sighed Dash. We headed for the door, walking out with nothing but disappointment. “You know what we need? We need someone who’s job it is to figure out this sort of shit for us.”
“That’d be me,” I said.
“Yeah, but what about when you can’t think of it? We can just be like ‘hey, asshole, think this job through’ and he does it, then we can do the hard part.”
“Sans calling him an asshole, that was Spike.”
“Then we need a new Spike.”
I stopped, struck with an idea that was so absolutely insane that it might just work.
“What?” asked Dash. “Too soon?”
“Give me your phone. Your personal phone,” I said. She did as she was told, and I quickly dialed the only number saved in her contacts.
“Sup, D,” said Scootaloo.
“Not exactly. Look, we need your help here,” I said. Dash quickly snatched the phone out of my hand.
“Uh, I beg your fucking pardon? You can’t just ask her to get into this shit show because we’re stuck,” said Dash. She put the phone to her ear. “Yeah, Squirt, nevermind. We’ll be home soon, we’re gonna pick up food.”
“Ask her. She might have an idea,” I said. “My most ambitious heists were planned when I was about her age.” Dash glared at me. “Look, just ask her. She doesn’t have to lift a finger, just brainstorm ideas.”
Rainbow clearly didn’t want to budge, though the reason why was unclear. It could’ve been the weed, or the Sweetie Belle incident, or our argument after the fact. I didn’t know, and, at the moment, I couldn’t be bothered to care. I didn’t have long before the Queen arrived in Equestria, and Celestia was undoubtedly growing impatient. That just wouldn’t do. The Senator had taken a huge chance on me, and had done so when I was not at my best. Disappointing her… It was unthinkable. I needed to prove that betting on Mythos was always, always a safe bet.
“Come on, Dash,” I said. “We need her.” Dash clutched her phone tightly, then tossed it back to me.
“Quickly,” she said.
I immediately ran through the situation with Scootaloo. I didn’t expect her to come up with a solution to my problem. At best, she’d help eliminate impossibilities and spark my own brain. I wanted a new perspective, not an answer.
“I’ve got nothing. Sounds like it’s impossible,” said Scootaloo. “That sounds like really tight defense.”
“No heist is impossible. Every defense has a weakness. Every armor, a chink in the plates,” I said. “Come on, kid, anything.”
“Well, you… No, that wouldn’t work…”
“I’ll even take non-solutions, that’s how desperate I am.”
“The pressure pads. I saw this movie where the guy needed to steal something from off a pressure plate,” said Scootaloo. “So he just replaced it with something the same weight.”
She was right; that wouldn’t work. Or, rather, it didn’t solve all of my problems. We’d need to deal with the whole alarm thing in order for that to be a viable strategy. Of course, we could always cut the power, as Dash had suggested earlier, but that was a one way in, no way out thing. Unless we had someone to turn the power back on, of course. Unfortunately, we didn’t.
Or did we?
“Sorry I’m not more helpful,” said Scootaloo.
“Oh no. You were worlds of help. I’ll see you at lunch.” I hung up the phone and passed it to Dash.
“Got something?” she asked.
“Yes. But you won’t like it.”
“The fuck outta here with that!” shouted Dash, slamming her palms down onto the table. As a former librarian, her shouting in the new HQ, regardless of how abandoned it was, made me cringe. This was supposed to be a place of quiet. “I’ve been thinking you’ve been losing it, but know I know for sure that you’ve lost your goddamn mind!”
“It only makes sense,” I said, poking at what remained of my salad. “If we want the Elements, and we do, then this is our only recourse.”
“Alright, I guess I was speaking a different language earlier, so I’ll try plain-ass English,” said Dash. “We’re not getting a kid involved in our shit just cause we’re being dumb.”
“I’m not a kid,” said Scootaloo quietly.
“Shut up and eat. This is an A-B conversation.”
“Look, it’s the only way. We can't get around the alarm, so we need to cut it out of the equation altogether. This is the only way to go about it.” I pushed my plate away, no longer hungry. “Show me the flaw in it. Go ahead, show me why it won't work.”
“She's a fucking kid! And you're asking her to help you commit grand larceny!” shouted Dash. “If that's not a big enough flaw for you, I don't know what will be.”
“I'm fifteen,” said Scootaloo. “Not a kid.”
“I’m not talking to you, ya little shit. Eat your burger, we'll talk later.”
“Look, you're clearly not seeing the benefits of this plan, so I'll walk you through it again,” I said. “We rappel in. We cut the power. Pick the case, lift the gems, replace them with frauds. Close the case. Scootaloo restores power. We rappel out. Perfect solution.”
“Except for the fact that we've gotta use the kid,” said Dash. “It's a no-go, and there's not going to be any more discussion about it. So fucking drop it.”
I had no time for this. I had no patience for this. My temper was at an all-time low, and Dash was burning through it rather quickly. As such, I was liable to say some things I wouldn't say normally. I was seeing red.
“Scootaloo, please leave the table. I need to talk to Dash in private,” I said. She nervously stood up, only to be stopped by Dash’s hand on her shoulder.
“Sit down,” she ordered.
“You're not gonna want to hear this. Leave, girl.”
“Sit. The fuck. Down.”
“Fine. Sit,” I said. I myself stood up, and began pacing around the table. “It's time for another dose of reality. We are far past the point of negotiations. My Crew was never a democracy, but now it is a full-on dictatorship. We are doing this job, and there is no other way to do it. No ifs, ands, or buts.”
“Fuck this job. If it requires Squirt getting involved in our shit, then Celestia really will be SOL; Shit Outta Luck.” Scootaloo looked like she was about to speak, but Dash put the back of her hand over the kid’s mouth. “She's not putting a goddamn toe into this.” Rainbow glared at me, then sarcastically added, “No ifs, ands, or buts.”
How could one person be so damn stubborn? Couldn't she see that things have changed? It wasn't about her or that little brat of hers anymore, not that it ever was. This heist was bigger than all of us.
Dash was willing to throw it away to serve her own purposes. Maybe her muzzle really was slipping.
“See, you're still not getting it,” I said. “I’m not asking your permission. This was never a debate. I merely told you what was going to happen. Not what I want to happen, not what I wish would happen, not what I think might happen. What is going to happen.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“The boss. The person who writes your check.” I stood up angrily. “I'm the only reason you two aren't dead in a ditch. I'm the reason that your bedroom isn't decorated with the girl's insides right now. I stuck my neck out for you how many times? How many people have I killed just for you, Rainbow?” She said nothing, so I kept going. I was on a roll. “All I've done for you and your precious baby sister, and you refuse to pay me back even in the slightest! I am the only reason you are alive and out of jail, Dash, and I'm giving you a chance to make more money than you'll ever need, and you're throwing that opportunity away because you're being stupid!”
“I'm stupid for not want a fucking child involved in our criminal activity?” Dash demanded.
“You're stupid because you still don't get it! It's too late for the holier-than-thou, leave the kids out of it bullshit. Remember Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?” Rainbow bit her lip, making it clear that she had forgotten to some degree. “Sixteen years old, only a year older than her.” I pointed at Scootaloo, who seemed to want to vanish into thin air. “You had no problems with that when we were earning 3 million a pop.”
“It's not the same,” murmured Dash. “They were already in it. Already criminals.”
“I hate to break it to you,” I lied, because I really didn't mind breaking it to her at all. “But so is she.”
“What the fuck—”
“How long did she live in the Laundromat after Soarin was killed? Every heist we planned and carried out while she was there, she's an accessory to the crime.” That wasn’t exactly true, but I highly doubted that she knew that. “We moved to Appleloosa and lived with a serial killer. Every murder committed while we were there is another tick in her column. And that's not even mentioning what she did to Sweetie Belle.”
“What's your point?” snapped Rainbow.
“My point is that she's already got red on her ledger. You can yell about keeping her out of trouble until you're blue in the face, but that won't wipe her record clean,” I said. “So, I say, instead of letting this hold us back, we use this to our advantage.” Rainbow growled, my logic obviously beating her senseless anger. “Look, why don't we ask her if she wants to help? If that doesn't put you at ease, nothing will.”
“Rainbow?” said Scootaloo quietly. “Can I talk now?” Dash’s angry gaze intensified, a feat I didn’t know was possible.
“Go ahead,” she hissed.
“Well, I might be young, but I understand. We're in a bad situation. And we're in a bad situation because I… I killed Sweetie. So let me at least help fix it. I know that doesn't make up for it, but at least let me try.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” asked Dash. “This has nothing to do with what you did.”
“Yes it does. This is all my fault. If I didn’t kill Sweetie, you wouldn't have had to kill Rarity, and we'd still be okay. I fucked everything up.”
Rainbow and I put aside our anger for just a moment to share a glance. Dash looked as confused as I felt, perhaps even more. Was that how Scootaloo saw it? That would explain her guilt. It made a lot of sense, too. In times of extreme stress, the brain sometimes rearranges memories of the incident in an attempt at making sense of it all. This being her first kill, and not one she thought about very much, it makes perfect sense for her to have an incorrect account of events.
I could work with that.
“There's no point in placing blame,” I said. “You did what you did, and there's no changing it. So, again, instead of letting this hold us back, we use this to our advantage.”
“No, back the fuck up,” said Dash. “That's not what went down.”
“Don't lie to me, Rainbow. It's okay, I can take the truth,” said Scootaloo. “Just… Let me help fix things.”
“Squirt… We'll talk about that later. Right now…” Rainbow shook her head, then pulled out a cigarette and lit up. “So your big plan is to use the girl. Besides it being totally fucked up to use a kid, there's another huge problem. She doesn't know shit about hacking or computers.”
“This one task is very simple. I can teach her in three days. The Queen will be here in five,” I explained. “So I have time.”
“So the only flaw in this plan is an ethical one,” said Dash. I nodded. “And I'm not changing your mind at all?” I shook my head. “Well, fuck my vote, I guess. Let's start putting this shit together.”
Finally. I was starting to think I’d have to seriously hurt this girl.
“I need to make a few calls. I’ll be back,” I said.
“Yo, ask your bestie how much we’re getting for this,” said Dash. “I don’t want for this to be all for fucking chump change.”
“I’m sure the Senator will pay us handsomely. I’ll be back.”
I flipped open my burner as I walked away, getting to just out of earshot of Dash then dialing the number of someone who was slowly becoming my favorite person. The phone rang then, after about a minute, the lines connected.
“Hello, Senator Regal’s office, how may I help you?” said the receptionist on the other end.
“I need to talk to the Senator,” I said.
“And who may I ask is calling?”
“Midnight Glammer.”
“Let's see…” I could hear her typing away for a bit. “Ah, I see. I'll put you through, Ms. Glammer.”
“Thank you.”
“Ah, Ms. Sparkle,” said Celestia, her line finally connecting. “It's good to hear from you. Are you enjoying the new equipment?”
“Yes, ma’am. The van especially.” The van I was referring to was a beautiful crime chariot, brand new and perfect. It had a special function that I was especially fond of; at the press of a button, a second license plate would lower to replace the original. Both of them are registered, and it helped the van vanish off the grid if the need so arose.
“I knew you'd like it.” I could hear the smirk in Celestia’s voice. “So, what can I do for you?”
“I just wanted to update you on the job. Things are coming along quite nicely,” I explained. “We’re expected to move out on schedule.”
“Excellent. I knew you’d be just the lady to get things done, Ms. Sparkle,” said Celestia. She wasn’t just smirking now. Based on her tone, I’d say she had a proper grin on. “Oh, and don’t think I forgot about our prior agreement. I’m setting up your meeting as we speak.”
“I appreciate it. Believe me, I am not worried about payment at all. Frankly, the job is enough for me. It’s not every day that you get to plan the heist of the century.” I turned around to see Rainbow talking to Scootaloo.”My partner, however, is getting restless… She’d like to know how much we will be getting to be paid?”
“Hm… 65. That sounds fair, no?”
“Er… That's a bit shallow, actually. I've been paid triple that for jobs half as difficult. As I said, I don’t much mind, but my partner probably won’t be happy with that. 65K is definitely on the lower end of things.”
“I agree. That's why I wasn't offering 65 thousand. That's 65 million, a piece. Let's round that up to 70, because I like you. And that's just for acquisition. For insertion, that'll be another 25. 30 if you do it quickly.”
I’ve seen a lot of money in my time, and let me tell you: 100 million dollars was a lot of money. Easily the biggest pull we’ve ever gotten, assuming we succeeded. As if I needed another reason to complete the heist of the century.
“100 mil apiece… that is more than sufficient,” I murmured.
“100 apiece, or 200 for yourself. Depends on what you decide to do with your dog problem.”
My dog problem. I didn’t like referring to Dash in that way, but it was quick, clean, and to the point. A week had passed since my chess game with Celestia, and her advice still weighed on my mind. She was right, of course. I'd have to act soon.
“I've already decided,” I said.
“And?” asked Celestia. I looked over to Dash one last time, as she hugged her dear little sister, presumably telling her that everything would be okay. I sighed, utterly annoyed by the situation I was in. No matter. I wouldn’t be in it much longer.
“After this job,” I promised. “After this one.”
“Forgive me for prying, but what exactly are you going to do?”
I sighed, running my hand through my hair tiredly.
“Like you said: Cut it loose.”
“Impressive. I wasn’t certain you’d decide so quickly.” Celestia chuckled slightly. “I suppose that’s what I get for doubting you. Never bet against Mythos, eh?”
“I wouldn’t recommend it, no,” I said.
“Of course not. Well, Ms. Sparkle, if you need anything at all, be sure to call my office. Until then… Happy heisting.”
The line disconnected, leaving me with nothing but the task at hand. I couldn’t help but grin at the prospect of the coming job. My only regret was that Spike wasn’t around for it. He’d just have to read in the papers about the heist of the century, wishing he could have been a part of it.
I shook my head firmly, trying to clear him from my mind. I couldn’t afford any distractions. I had work to do.
Everything was finally in place. Dash and I were waiting on the roof of the museum, having made our way up there by way of a maintenance ladder. On my shoulder was a duffel bag that held nothing but a case for the gems, while Dash carried one with various tools we’d need. Beneath the pale light of the moon, we were masked, gloved, suited, and ready to go.
“Hello?” Scootaloo’s quiet little voice just barely whispered through my earpiece. “You ready to go?”
“Waiting for you, Artemis,” I said, cracking my knuckles. “And speak up. I promise, nobody will overhear you.”
“I don’t like the fact that you gave her a codename,” grumbled Dash. “I feel like you’re getting her involved more than we originally agreed.
“It’s a necessary precaution,” I said. “Be thankful I’m not offering her a mask.”
“Alright, Twi—” I coughed loudly, snapping the girl back to reality. “Sorry. Medusa. I’m looking at the screen you showed me. Ready to proceed.”
I gave Dash the thumbs up, at which point she unzipped her bag and withdrew two climbing ropes, one of which she tossed to me. I wrapped one end around a rail on the edge and hooked the rope onto itself, while Rainbow did the same. She dug back into the bag and handed me a climbing harness, which I strapped myself into as quickly and carefully as possible. Since it was a simple climb, it was a simple harness, with one exception; my grapple mechanism that would allow me to quickly ascend and descend without the need of climbing. Just a little something I threw together to make my life a bit easier.
“Harness secured,” said Dash. “Grapple hooked. Ready to enter.”
“I guess we’re good to go, then,” I said. “Rappelling down now.”
I carefully hopped over the side of the railing, pressing my feet against the wall to keep myself up. With Dash just behind (or, technically, above) me, I hopped down bit by bit until I was standing on a large panel window which normally served only to let natural light into the museum. Today, however, it served another purpose.
“Screwdriver,” I whispered. Dash rummaged through her bag and handed me a simple Yankee screwdriver, which I used to quickly pop out the bolts securing the window in place. I pushed the window open and hopped through and into the museum proper. After dangling awkwardly for a bit, I flipped my mechanism and slowly descended until I was about three feet from the ground.
“Alright, Artemis,” I said. “Kill it.”
That was the girl’s signal to kill the power. Since it was night, the signs of that being successful would be the bars lowering over the open window; no more, no less. You can imagine my surprise and general irritation when not only did that not happen, but the lights actually came on.
“Artemis!” I hissed.
“Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!” The girl was flustered, understandably enough, but I had no patience for failure. “Um… Here, it’s this one, I think.” The lights went out and then the thick, heavy iron bars fell over the window frame. I sighed, then descended the rest of the way, my feet quietly hitting the ground.
“Move out,” I ordered. Dash and I quickly shed our harnesses, then slid through the room. Normally, on a lesser job, I’d consider swiping other desirable items, but not today. To steal anything but the Elements of Harmony would cheapen the entire heist. That just wouldn’t do.
I stood before the case with an extremely satisfied grin plastered beneath my mask. I held out my hand, and Dash slapped my lockpicking kit into my palm. I took a moment to absorb the gravity of the situation, then began working on the case.
“Start unpacking,” I said. Dash grunted something, but dropped the bag and unzipped it. She started pulling out the things we’d need for our fakes; a scaled, empty sandbags, a 50-pound sack of sand. Dash cracked her back, stretching uncomfortably.
“Fuck, that was heavy,” she grunted. “Better be worth it.”
“Of course,” I said. I popped open the case, my hands nearly trembling in delight. History was about to be made.
I lifted Laughter from its case, turning it over in my hand. It was lighter than I expected. Far less dense. I handed the gem to Dash, who set it on her scale.
“Two sixty-two point oh one grams,” said Dash. She handed the gem back and filled a sandbag with 262 grams of sand, taking care to account for the weight of the bag itself. While she did that, I withdrew my case from the duffel bag and gently lowered Laughter into one of the six slots.
“Honesty,” I said, passing the orange gem.
“Two sixty-one point oh three,” said Dash, handing the measured gem to me. This went on for some time, measuring Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, and, finally, Magic, before replacing them with sand approximations.
“And there you have it,” I said, staring at the gems. “The most valuable stones in Equestrian history.”
“You can gawk at them later,” hissed Dash. “We gotta go.”
“Yeah, I guess so…” I closed the case, relocked it, then hefted my duffel up and slung it over my shoulder. Dash and I returned to our harnesses, strapped in, then zipped up to the window.
“Artemis, light it up,” I ordered. After a bit of panicked silence, the bars raised from the window, which let Dash climb out. I was going to follow her when I noticed, just across from me, a security camera whirring back to life. It caught my attention, and actually made me smile. On most jobs, the best case scenario is that we’re never seen. Something groundbreaking like this, however… I’d like people to know that it was Mythos that had done it.
I waved to the camera and blew it a kiss before climbing out of the museum and locking the window behind me.
I sat in my kitchen, drinking a whiskey while reading through one of the books that Celestia had gifted me. In fact, the one I was reading was a title I recognized; The Nexus Dragon Anthology, the book that Spike had quoted in an attempt to advise me. That must have been a coincidence, but, at the same time, it couldn’t have been. What are the odds?
The gems were delivered and planted on the Queen the day before. It felt nice to be in Canterlot again, even if for a small period of time. It made me consider returning to the Laundromat, though I quickly stamped that idea to death. That would be insane. Shining would smell me if I was in town for longer than a few hours. I was in no hurry to meet with Shining again. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but I knew only one of us would walk out of that meeting.
“Thank you so much for taking a risk on me, Senator Regal. You won’t be disappointed.”
“I don’t doubt that you will exceed my expectations, my dear, which is why I wanted to speak with you like this.”
My guests were just outside, which was just fine. I was ready for them. After planting the Elements, I was ready for my payment.
“I have to admit, this is… unusual. I’ve held government positions like this before, but I’ve never been invited to dinner by a Senator.”
“I like to get to know those who work with me. It makes everything run much more smoothly. Makes transparency much easier to maintain.”
I sat down my whiskey, then lifted The Widow from the table and strapping it to my face. It was time.
“Transparency… Yes, I can see how that would be important.”
The door unlocked, and two people stepped in. I didn’t have to look up to know that. I could hear them nearing the kitchen, which meant it was nearly showtime.
“Yes, and I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely transparent with you. You see, I didn’t pick you for this job just because of your knowledge or your qualifications,” said Celestia. “I picked you because of your past.”
“My… My past?”
“Yes, my dear. Come, it will all make sense in a moment.”
I set down my book just in time to see them walk in. I hardly even noticed Celestia in her bright, sunny yellow suit. My focus was on her guest. She wore a blue pant suit, dark blue like the night sky. Her two-toned hair, light blue and white, was done up in a professional bun, and she wore those reading glasses she oh so despised, bracing her golden eyes. As soon as she saw me, fear ran through her. As it should.
I’d be afraid if I was her, too.
“T-twilight?” she said, nervously. “H-how?”
“The Senator is a friend of mine. When she told me who she planned to hire, well, I couldn’t resist,” I said. “I insisted she bring you over for a visit. It’s been far too long.” I stood up, pulling my revolver from my lap and pointing it at my former friend’s head.
“Don’t you agree, Lyra?”