If I am going to use these magic mushrooms against ponies, I need to know exactly what I am dealing with first.
It is true that I can kind of get an idea of how they work just by analyzing their magic, but it's not good enough. I need to know for sure their exact nature. Which is why I must test the effects on my minions. I am pretty sure that they don't work on anyone who has already discovered their secret. After all, I can't get them to affect me again.
And now it is time to get my answer. The jackalopes are gathering around me as a return to their lair, eager to learn what I have discovered.
Oh chaos, what a discovery it is! I bet they just can't wait to learn all about it...
"As a matter of fact," I declared out loud to the group, "I did find something extremely fascinating. Feast your eyes upon this piece of work!"
At this point, I withdraw the mushroom that I had tucked away in my bag and set it on the ground before me. The little critters stare at it in confusion, but things are sure to liven up soon.
...
Any moment now.
...
Or not?
...
Well, this is awkward. Nothing's happening, and they're just staring at me in confusion. Ugh, this is so embarrassing! Apparently, the stupid things cease to function when severed from their roots.
No, that's not quite correct. Now that I remember to check, I can tell that the magic is working, it's just not taking hold very quickly.
Apparently, the magic takes hold much slower when there is only one mushroom to do all of the work.
Wait, why are the jackalopes freaking out all of the sudden?
What are they looking at?
...
"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" I cry at the jackalope that the others were yelling at. He's standing right next to the mushroom. And there is a chunk taken out of it in the shape of bunny teeth. "Are you crazy?" I cry at him. "Your first instinct when encountering an unknown fungus is to PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH?"
The creature is cringing guiltily.
Suddenly, as I am staring at him in disbelief, I feel a moment of uncertainty as his form shifts.
What in Equestria am I looking at?
Suddenly, the other jackalopes all almost simultaneously let out a very loud scream of terror and rush away as fast as they can.
I don't have to wonder why. The one who foolishly consumed the strange mushroom has what appears to be a timber wolf standing over him.
The strange thing is, the jackalope is actually inside the timber wolf, and the timber wolf looks translucent, like a ghost.
As the jackalope waves his arms around wildly and chatters at his family in a panic, I perceive something even more interesting: the form of the timber wolf is following his motions as exactly as possible. It isn't perfect, since the two have a different body shape and size, but it is definitely close enough.
Also, he sounds like a chattering rodent and a yipping timberwolf both at the same time.
The magic emanating from the illusion is definitely the type that the mushroom utilizes.
The little guy has, quite by accident, manifested himself as his own nightmare.
"Everybody calm down!" I exclaim. "That's just your friend there!"
They all give me a bewildered look.
"The one that ate the mushroom?"
And now they are looking at me like I'm crazy.
And now he's chattering away again. And now the others are looking very confused, and still scared.
"Are you telling me that you can't see him?" I ask.
I get several nods in return.
How strange. Why can I see his fluffy self and they can’t? I wonder...
"This is all just an illusion!" I cry out to them. "You see, that mushroom uses magic to show you things that are not real in order to try to scare you!"
Slowly, this sinks into their little heads, and suddenly, some of them stumble forward nervously toward their 'friend'.
"You see him now, right?" I ask insistently.
The ones brave enough to approach nod at me, but immediately turn back toward the illusion and poke at the non-existent body of the non-existent timberwolf.
"I know you must be wondering why in the world I would bring you something like this, but consider the following. What if you have this thing around when a real timberwolf comes stomping along? Or any other dangerous creature, for that matter?"
I see their faces light up in understanding, and many start gesturing their approval.
"And it would appear that anyone who is aware of the secret power of this curious fungus can literally see right through it. You all have nothing to fear now!"
As I watch my minions in their excitement, a wild idea starts to form in my head.
By complete accident, I think I have discovered a way to create an incredibly convincing disguise. If I can create a potion using the mushroom as a main ingredient, I feel certain that I can control this effect. While it would obviously be foolish to disguise myself as an object of terror, I bet that the mushrooms can be fooled. All I have to do is trick them into reading my mind in a certain way.
And, to my extreme fortune, I am a master of manipulation.
"You there!" I order at the jackalope disguised as a timber wolf. "I need a second pair of eyes for something back in the cave. You are clearly making everyone else nervous despite the fact that they know what's going on, so it might as well be you. Come on."
"Look, I know you're bored!" I grumbled at my chosen assistant. "Believe me, I'm bored out of my skull too." I carefully scoop the mushroom mush out of the mortar and into a vial of water.
I am sitting in front of a stone protrusion in the floor that makes for a decent table. On this makeshift table are several mushrooms that I have uprooted in order to study them. Artificial lighting is also unnecessary, as the node of primal magic also radiates a decent amount of light.
I have no idea why.
"This is really weird for me. I mean, ordinarily if I wanted a magic potion, I would just conjure it up, and done! Or, rather, I wouldn't need to use a potion at all, I'd just make whatever I want to happen occur. Even since losing that power, I've just stolen whatever I needed. I don't even remember the last time I made anything! At least, without using magic."
I shake my head as I prepare the final ingredients. Chaos, I hope this works. This is going to be really embarrassing if I can't control this stuff.
At least I don't have to worry about the possibility of accidentally poisoning myself.
"Anyway, you don't have to wait around any longer," I declare as I hold my concoction in the air dramatically, sparkling in the magical light of the primal magic in the chamber. "For I have succeeded!" I continued dramatically. "For in this vial lies an incredibly powerful and dangerous magic! Oh, you might not think that it's that big of a deal, but mark my words, if used correctly, this little thing will help me deceive all of ponydom and, more importantly, make the most powerful pony in Equestria into a fool!
"My plan is quite simple, yet elegant and genius. I am going to trick the ponies into hooving over the location of my powers, completely unaware of my true self! And then, I shall steal back what is rightfully mine! In order for this to work, as much as I detest the necessity of this part of the plan, I must disguise myself as a pony. I know, I know! Being forced to act normal may as well be my own personal tartarus, but the one thing that will make it worth it will be the incredibly delicious reactions I get when they realize that they played right into my hands this entire time! Imagine their shame when they realize that they willingly hooved over the most powerful magic in the world to the very foe that they tried so desperately to keep away from it!"
I finish my little speech with a bit of appropriate maniacal laughter, and then look over toward my assistant. He is back looking like his plain jackalope self again, a result of the inefficient delivery of the mushroom's magic into his body. Fortunately, I believe that the potion will augment the potency of the magic and make it last far longer.
He just gives me an uncertain look.
I just shrug. I can't expect him to fully grasp the brilliance of my plan.
Right, the plan. I need to focus.
I form my disguise in my mind's eye. I don't want to draw unnecessary attention, so it is nothing special. Just an ordinary light blue earth pony with a red rhombus on his rear.
Who would have guessed that this would be the face of the sun princess's doom?
"Alright you mushroom stew," I say to the vial. "The figure in my thoughts is truly the most terrifying thing ever. And do you know why? Because he will bring all of pony-kind to their knees!"
And I definitely mean it.
I take a swig of the mixture.
And then I start coughing.
"Whoa," I say, sputtering a bit juice, to my annoyance.
It's not that it tastes bad. It doesn't taste good either, but it does taste... interesting. And completely unexpected.
I take a moment to look at myself.
And become very annoyed.
I forgot a very specific detail: my true form is rather larger than a pony.
Wait. Pony.
Holy chaos, the potion actually worked correctly!
... I'm pretty sure...
Still, if somepony bumps into me, it's going to look really strange.
Actually, it is going to look strange even if I touch anything.
I have just decided that Rhombus the pony really doesn't like physical contact.
"So, how do I look?" I ask, turning toward my assistant.
He hesitates, and then makes an uncertain gesture.
I let out a sigh. "Yes, I know you can still see the real me. That's because of your awareness of the magic behind it. But, if I were to, say, walk into Ponyville, not a one of them would have a clue, and therefore they would be completely fooled!
"I'm... preeeeetty sure, anyway. There is only one way to test that theory, I suppose. In the unlikely event that I am wrong, I'll just do what I always do and figure it out later."
I notice that the jackalope is making a strange gesture.
He's repeatedly putting his front paws on the ground.
What's that supposed to mean?
I look at my hands, and then suddenly realize what's wrong.
"Of course," I mutter, getting down on all fours. "I have to walk around like this, don't I? Oh, joy..."
One more downside that I had not considered. The payoff for this had better be good.
Another thought occurs to me. How long is this disguise going to last, anyway? If it's as short as just eating the mushroom, all of this work will have been for nothing.
Plus, it will make me look very stupid.
I quickly analyze the magic sustaining the illusion and get a feel for how quickly it is being consumed.
Hmm. I'd say, about three hours, maybe?
Oh, and that's right! I didn't even drink nearly all of what was in that vial. Which I am still holding.
Why, it's still almost full! If I have this math right, the whole thing would sustain the illusion for... two whole days?
That's way more than I need!
Well, if I'm going to really be putting my disguise to the test in hometown of my rival's champions, I definitely want to make this a worthwhile trip.
I move to my bag of supplies and pull out a knife, and then pick out the nearest mushroom so I can severe it from the cave floor and bring it with me.
When I am finished, I realize that I already had several mushrooms sitting on the table directly in front of me.
I just shrug to myself. Whatever. Who cares?
I grab my fedora and place it on my head. Tilted, of course.
I'm going to scare some ponies.
Okay, I'll admit it. I feel nervous. I really hate it, but I do.
I really hope everything goes according to plan.
I can't believe I'm actually scared of failure! This is pathetic! Ordinarily I wouldn't care about setbacks in the least, because I know I can always come up with something else if need be.
But, without my powers, if this plan falls through, well...
I don't really know what I'm going to do then.
Suddenly, I scoffed to myself, causing my single minion to look at me in curiosity. Of course, there's no need to let him in on my thoughts right now.
I'll just do what I always do, of course. Don't worry about it until it becomes a problem.
Some of my nervousness is replaced with excitement. If all goes according to plan, this will be the first positive day I have had since my release.
In fact, I'm feeling quite elated right now! Unlike every day up until now, I have a real advantage here. For once, I don't feel helpless and powerless in this struggle that I have been forced into, despite Celestia's best efforts. Already, I consider that to be a victory.
And now, here I am, finally at the edge of Ponyville.
"Your job is simple," I say to my little servant. "Just stay here and stay out of sight for a while. I need to do this alone, but I need you to be here in case I have sudden need of your help."
The critter actually looks relieved at this. He salutes at me and runs off into one of the bushes.
Well, that's taken care of. Now I just have to remember where that seamstress's place is so that we can do honest business. After all, if it keeps on disappearing when she isn’t looking, she’s going to grow suspicious.
And then give her a good scare. I think of the fright mushroom that I have stuffed inside of the bag that Rarity herself bought for me and grin.
I am about to pass one of the ponies. I'm pretty sure she can see me, and she certainly doesn't seem alarmed.
Excellent.
Wait. Uh oh, maybe not.
What is she doing with her hooves?
Should I be concerned? What does this mean? Does it mean that she can see through me?
...
No, she's smiling at me.
And now she is continuing on her merry way.
...
Oh, duh! She was waving at me! That's a thing that ponies do.
I feel really tempted to be offended by this gesture. But, I have decided that I will not be offended. In fact, it pleases me greatly. Of course, I hate these random acts of senseless friendship, but far more important is the fact that I have the silly mare completely fooled.
I can just imagine her one day discovering that she had so casually waved at me without a clue of who I was. It will surely cause her embarrassment for the rest of her life. Or, shame, more likely.
It is this comforting fact that gives me the ability to keep in character as I stroll throughout the town.
I pass more ponies and have similar encounters. And I have started to wave back with a smile.
What the ponies do not realize is that my smile is not one of friendliness, but one of sinister pleasure.
I have them all fooled. Each and every one of them.
Today is a good day indeed.
"You sure are in a good mood," remarks a stallion that I don't know as I begin to pass him.
My smile doesn't even falter. I look him straight in the face with unrestrained glee.
"Oh, yes indeed," I answer him. "Today is by far the most excellent day I have had in a long, long time."
"Really?" he asks, surprised. "Well, I hope it only gets better for you."
"Oh, I'm certain it will!" I respond, my smile growing even larger at the irony of everything as I walk away.
This sort of thing continued on for a little ways, right up until just now. Standing directly in my path is a mare dressed up in a business outfit. She obviously has put extra care into looking her best, but she is clearly shaking in her horseshoes.
I could just walk by her and enjoy her discomfort with... whatever it is she's worried about.
Or, I could find out exactly what has her in such a tizzy in the first place.
Curiosity wins.
"Something bothering you?" I say, and I immediately feel an urge to poke fun at her, and I have to stop myself. While I certainly won't stoop so low as to actually be polite, I can't let myself break my cover.
"No- Well, yes..." she answers. "I have an interview in less than ten minutes. I'm... I'm just nervous."
She smiles at me uneasily.
...
What am I supposed to do here?
I know what I would do if I wasn't trying to pretend to be somebody that I'm not, but I obviously can't do that. And my next idea is to just do nothing and move along, but I'm pretty sure that isn't what a 'decent' pony would do either, and it would be suspicious.
Oh, who am I kidding? I know exactly what to do in this situation in order to blend in.
But I don't know if I can bear the shame of actually doing it.
There has got to be a way to make this more bearable, Discord! THINK!
"You probably have nothing to worry about," I say to her.
YOU'RE DOOMED! I scream mentally. DOOMED, DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED!
This thought puts a smile on my face, which the mare obviously misinterprets.
"Thank you," she says with a sigh. "I'm sure you're right. I'm probably overreacting."
Nope, you're not overreacting at all. You're so DOOMED that it's hilarious! And I'm not even talking about your insignificant job interview, although I'm sure that won't go the way you're hoping either. It's only a matter of time before Equestria is consumed in chaos once again. Enjoy it while you can.
"No problem."
She steps aside and lets me pass.
...
Oh, hang on, is that Rarity's place right there? How did I get here so quickly?
I stop in front of her store for a moment in order to mentally review everything in my head.
I must admit, this idea is yet another stroke of genius. As I observed before with the jackalope family, a single mushroom will not conjure up a nightmarish illusion in an instant the same way that a whole hoard of them does. I will simply get this over with as quickly as possible, and then 'accidently' leave my bag behind. A few minutes later, after I have left the scene of the incoming incident... Chaos.
...
Maybe this isn't the smartest move to make at this moment in time? After all, there is at least a possibility that somepony might figure out that I had something to do with it?
Well, yes. But...
I'm so bored! This is the sort of thing that I thrive on! I've been looking forward to this all morning!
Actually, I fully expect the Rarity's fears come true to feature myself, or, at least, an illusion of myself. After all, I am the most terrifying thing that these ponies know.
And if I can get myself in the same area as that illusion, and nopony ever figures out that the other Discord is a big fake... Well, if that doesn't throw everypony off of my trail, I don't know what will.
Yes, this is definitely a thing that I should do.
What am I waiting for?
I eagerly open the door to the boutique and step inside.
There's nopony to be seen.
Now where is that Rarity?
"Welcome to Carousel Boutique!" Her voice declared from somewhere in the back of the store. "I'll be right with you!"
Well, this is annoying. Does she really expect me to wait on whatever it is that she's doing?
My personal annoyance asside, if I stay in here too long, then my special present will go off before I can leave, which would obviously be bad.
I definitely can't let that happen.
I take a breath, and then say, "I... Er..."
Way to go Discord I think to myself scornfully. Way to take charge there.
Suddenly, I realize that Rarity is approaching me.
Oh. I guess when she said 'I'll be right with you,' she actually meant it. That's... suprising. Honestly, I was expecting her to linger for an eternity.
"Hello sir!" she greets cheerfully. "How can I be of service?"
Wait, what?
Does she really say that to everyone? Why is she implying herself to be a mere servant? I know she hasn't recognized my true self, she would be screaming if she had. She's an element of harmony, for crying out loud! She should be pointing out how much better she is than everypony else!
Okay, actually, that doesn't sound like something they would do. They wouldn't flaunt their authority around like that. But they should still know that they do have it.
"Um, sir?" asked Rarity, clearly confused at my hesitation.
Oh, forget it. Why should I care about the specifics of how these ponies are wrong about so many things?
...
I need to say something to her to explain why I'm being so silent.
...
"I'm sor- ACH!" I suddenly have to cough a couple of times.
"I'm sorrrrrrrrry," I manage.
Curse myself! They're just WORDS, you fool!
"I was just, um," I continue on hastily. "I was just left speechless by your style!"
A complete and utter lie, of course. But it was a good cover, and also would let me silently gloat at her vanity.
"Oh!" she cried. "Thank you! A lady does try to look her best."
Well, at least you'll have that much when Equestria is a chaotic paradise.
Ugh, I need to not be wasting time, I need to get this over with.
"My name is Rhombus," I lied.
"O-Oh!" cried Rarity. "Of course! You’re wearing the- How did I not notice- I’m sorry! Good to meet you!"
"I don't mean to be rude-" I began.
Well, actually, I would like to be rude, but I have a very good reason for not doing so at this time.
"-but I am short on time."
I reach into my bag and produce a box of gems and set it on her counter.
She starts a few times, unsure of how to respond.
Eventually, she manages to get out, "Yes, of course! Ah, where did I put your things?"
She takes a look around her, but apparently is disappointed and begins moving around as she begins searching.
"By the way, if I may ask, what exactly were the circumstances of your previous visit? I was disappointed that I didn't get to meet you!"
Argh, tar and feather me! She had to ask that. Still, I was expecting it, and I came prepared.
"Oh, you were busy chasing after your cat, I believe. I was in a hurry, and I didn't want to bother you."
"You saw that, did you?" she said, apparently embarrassed. "For some reason, there was a jackalope running around here all by itself and Opal got it into her head to chase after it! I can't imagine what those critters want, but apparently they’ve been causing trouble for one of my friends as well.”
Here she comes with my stuff. Good.
She then takes a look into my box of gems. "I'm afraid that you have vastly overpaid me once again, Rhombus," she says. "I can't accept all of this!"
I groan out loud in annoyance. I don't have time for this! I don't care if I paid too much, she has no idea how easy it is for me to get more!
Suddenly, I have an idea. An explanation that would will possibly further benefit me later.
"See here, Miss Rarity," I say back in an annoyed tone. "I came to your town to do something very important! My overpaying you is comparatively of no concern! Believe me, I have plenty more where that came from. All that matters to me is that I return to my work as soon as possible!"
Rarity gazes back at me in shock. "Well, if you insist!" she exclaims meekly.
Suddenly, I realize that this is not the way that I should be handling this. If I offend Rarity too badly, then regardless of if she knows my true identity or not, she might cut off contact with me.
Keeping my time constraint in mind, I open up my bag (while ensuring that a certain fungus remains out of her view) and begin filling it with my new supplies as I begin speaking again.
"I'm sorry for that outburst," I make myself say, "but trust me, it is very important. I'm very lucky to have your help-"
I mentally change that last statement to 'I'm very clever for tricking you into giving me this stuff'.
"-but I suspect something bad is going to happen any minute now!"
I finish packing and seal the bag up.
"My goodness," says Rarity with concern. "What ever could be so important?"
"Well, you see," I say quickly, "I had another reason for coming to your town that I have not yet disclosed. I'm looking for someone."
"Maybe I can help you?" offered Rarity. "I'm familiar with many of our residents, and-"
"A very dangerous someone," I emphasized, hoping that she wouldn't pick up on this hint too quickly.
"My goodness," she repeated. "Whatever do you need all of this stuff for then?"
Uh oh. I wasn't prepared to answer this one.
I need to think up a lie, quick.
"I wasn't lying when I told you that I need them for my gem mining operation," I told her. "But you see, this guy that I'm looking for likes to hoard magic. I'm going to lure him out with some special magic crystals!"
"That sounds dangerous!"
"Oh it is, but I don't care. This guy is a real big jerk," I answer, using the same term that I knew many ponies applied to myself.
"Well, I should let you go then," she said.
I wasted no time turning around toward the door.
"But-"
Suddenly I feel her touch my side.
Remembering how bad a thing this is, I jerk away in alarm.
"PLEASE don't touch me!" I cry at her. "Just- please don't. I really don't like to be touched."
She looks back at me in slight shock, but I can also see confusion in her eyes.
She must have figured out that something is wrong, I just know it.
"I'm sorry," she says. "I'll be sure to remember that in the future. I just... wanted to let you know that... Well, if there is anything that I can do to help you with... all of this... Something safe at least..."
She didn't continue any further.
"You really mean that?" I ask, surprised.
"Yes, I do!" she answers back. "If you ever need help, I... I promise I'll help you! With whatever you need."
How interesting... Now that... I wonder what I can force her into with that little promise... Hmm... I almost feel bad for what's about to happen to her.
Oh no. About that...
"I have to go!" I suddenly cry, and rush out the door.
Without my bag.
As soon as I set foot outside of the boutique, my magic senses start blaring a warning at me.
I don't even have to examine the magic very closely to know it is coming from. There's only one pony in Equestria that gives off magic like this.
Pinkie Pie.
Great. Just what I needed. Where are you, my excitable little pony?
Aha. There she is. Bouncing down the street, alongside-
Twilight Sparkle too? Why? Why now, of all times!
"Hello there!- um..."
And now Pinkie is suddenly in my face! This is terrible!
"Um... Argh...!"
... What in Equestria is that girl doing? She's staring at me like a hawk!
Oh sweet delicious smorgasbord! How could I forget about that pony and her strange powers that even manage to baffle me! She's got me pegged!
"Pinkie, what in the world?" asked Twilight.
"Argh! Why?" cries Pinkie in frustration. "I'm SORRY!"
In my utter confusion, it takes me a moment to realize that she addressed that statement at me.
And I haven't the faintest clue why!
"What in Equestria do you have to be sorry to me for?" I ask in genuine confusion. Fortunately, it appears that my disguise has not been compromised, which is a huge relief.
"Pinkie, I don't even recognize this pony," said Twilight.
"THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" screamed Pinkie in despair. "I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME!"
"Pinkie, I don't even remember seeing him in Ponyville. You've probably never met him before!" said Twilight, her confusion increasing.
"That's not true! I know for sure that I've met you before because if I hadn't, my Pinkie senses would be telling me that I've met a totally new pony and that isn’t happening, so obviously I have met you before and I'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR NAME! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! AAAARGGGH!"
This crazy pony is attracting the stares of every single other pony on the whole street. I know that there is no way that they are going to discover me, but for some reason, being the center of attention in these circumstances is incredibly uncomfortable.
"Pinkie, we have met before!" I cry back at her. "My name is Rhombus! It has just been a while! What are you getting so upset over?"
"I've never forgotten anypony's name before ever!" she cried back at me, still alarmed.
"There's a first time for everything, right?"
"I guess..." answered Pinkie uneasily, thankfully at normal volumes this time.
"Actually, It's not that bad!" exclaimed Pinkie, instantly shifting moods. "Now I get to meet a new friend all over again! So, Rhombus, what does your cutie mark mean? Does it mean you like shapes?"
"Um, sure it does..." I answer. I'm not really sure how I should deal with this situation to be perfectly honest. Everything would be so much easier if she were to just- go away.
"Hey Pinkie, are you not late for something?" I say.
As she gasps, the tremendous force of all of the air entering her lungs so quickly lifts her off of her hooves for a second.
"Oh my goodness! You're right! I was supposed to be at the hospital twelve seconds ago! Sorry Twilight, we'll have to finish this up some other time, bye!"
I feel a burst of Pinkie's strange, energy bloated brand of magic and then she disappears in a blur.
I suddenly have no idea where she is. I can't even feel her magic any more. Without my powers to augment my senses, my magic sense only reaches about as far as I can clearly see.
Wait a second, she just said that she was going to the hospital, for whatever reason. In all likelihood, she didn't have a reason to lie about it.
Still, not knowing for certain where that mare is currently located is more than a little unsettling.
"I'm sorry about her," said Twilight apologetically. "Sometimes, Pinkie Pie is just... like that."
I don't answer her.
The awkward silence is pretty amusing.
"Um, soooo..." said Twilight, trying to strike up conversation. "What does your cutie mark represent? Something tells me that there's more to it than 'you like shapes'."
I actually let myself laugh aloud at the sarcasm in Twilight's final words.
While unexpected, I have realized that this encounter actually presents a fantastic opportunity! Naturally, in my quest to reclaim my powers and give the sun princess payback, it will be beneficial for me to pull the wool over the eyes of all of the elements of harmony, but Twilight specifically happens to have a particularly strong connection with my nemesis. Tricking Twilight takes the highest priority.
"Yeah, there's a little more to it than that. You see... I can sense magic everywhere around me."
I feel a small rush as I let this small nugget of a greater truth free. I did have my doubts about whether saying this was a good idea, but I ultimately decided that it was safe. Celestia never mentioned it when I got free a few months ago, so she herself clearly doesn't even know about it. The elements of harmony are thankfully ignorant of this ability of mine, and will not associate it with Discord.
And when a certain bit of chaos happens in just a moment, I can use this to force the elements to place their trust in me.
Or, rather, force them to misplace their trust in me. I fully plan on betraying that trust, naturally, right after tricking them into giving me everything I need and stealing my powers back.
"What?" said Twilight in slight shock. "Are you telling the truth?"
"Absolutely," I answered. Ironically, I really am technically being truthful. This time.
"But... I don't understand!" she cried, obviously intrigued. "What connection is there between being able to sense magic and an equilateral quadrilateral? Um, that is, a rhombus?"
"I know what an 'equilateral quadrilateral' is, thank you," I say, offended. "I'm not stupid!"
"I didn't mean to imply any such thing!" said Twilight quickly. "It's just that most ponies prefer that I not use 'big words'."
I grin as an idea pops into my head.
"Well, fortunately for you, my head is an incalculably elephantine lexicon."
Thousands of years of experience does tend to force me to learn all kinds of useless information that I would never actually actively seek out. Thankfully, it does sometimes turn out to be useful. Mostly by helping me point out how much better I am than everyone around me.
Twilight gives me a weird smile and says, "Okay, you're just trying to show off."
Before I can respond to that, she eagerly blurts out, "But you still haven't answered my question."
And, oh what an answer I have for you! It will probably revolutionize magic as you know it! You'll almost certainly write a research paper or seven on it. It's just too bad for you that it's all a giant fabrication.
"It's nothing special," I answer, even as sinister and hilarious images of dance through my head of Twilight discovering that everything she knows is a lie and burning her own library to the ground. "When I look at different kinds of magic, I see them represented by different polygons. It's kind of like a jig-saw puzzle. Different magical polygons fit together in different ways to make different spells."
Starswirl the Bearded is surely spinning in his grave at the enormity of this lie. The reality is that I don't need something so stupid and needless complex.
"That's- that's-" Twilight starts. "That's one of the most incredible things I have ever heard!"
I can't believe she's buying this preposterous sham!
"So what can you sense around us, right now?"
"Well, let's see now..."
And then a frowned as I realize that my little conversation has caused me to completely miss something very important.
The chaos is already in full swing, and I'm missing it.
I stare at Twilight, considering.
I'm just going to have to bring her with me.
"Actually, I'm getting some distinctly chaotic vibes from somewhere over there." I gesture in the appropriate direction.
Twilight's face flew into alarm almost immediately after hearing the word 'chaotic', just as I had hoped.
"Why didn't you say so sooner!" she cried. "Somepony might be in danger! Come on!"
She rushed off.
I just smiled to myself, shrugged, and then started running after her.
She didn't go very far before stopping, unsure of where exactly to go.
"Where exactly?" she demanded as I caught up.
"Um, give me a second to figure it out," I bluffed.
After a few seconds, I said, "It's coming from over here!" and ran to the boutique.
I stopped in front of it, and Twilight stopped right beside me, her fur paling.
"In there," I informed her, trying very hard to not let my pleasure show.
"This is bad," cried Twilight in a panic. "Why are the windows black?"
I wasn't expecting to hear that. I turn my head to look, and sure enough, the windows to the boutique are so dark that I can't see through them at all.
Suddenly, Twilight pulled the door open and charged inside. I chase after her.
When I find myself inside the shop, I stumble to a stop as I admire the center of attention: A transparent but otherwise perfectly convincing illusion of the most handsome draconequuis in the universe. Although, if I understand the magic of the mushrooms correctly, he shouldn't be see-through for anyone else in this room.
I really like what happened to the place. Judging by Twilight's expression, she finds it worthy of her attention too. Polka dots and stripes of random colors cover every piece of fashion in the whole store. Even funnier, they also have the appearance of being covered in ink, or dirt, or are otherwise covered in filth of some sort.
Of course, this would be even better if all of these dresses and scarves and everything were brought to life and chasing ponies around, but this isn't bad. I have doubts that the illusions created by the mushrooms are even capable of altering our perceptions of reality in such a big way.
Fake Discord slowly and dramatically swivels around to greet the newcomers.
"Ah, you're just in time!" he exclaims. "Welcome to my little party! I was just entertaining your dear friend Rarity!"
"Leave her alone, Discord!" shouts Twilight, charging up her horn.
You have got to be kidding me. It's so obvious what you are up to! He has at least three whole seconds to react to your spell!
A bolt of magic fires from her horn. I instinctively analyze it and determine that it is supposed to knock the fake Discord out or something.
Suddenly, I start having doubts. Without magic, how is my fake double going to deal with this situation? I know that the magic can't affect something that doesn't really exist, but there is a very high probability that it will dispel the illusion.
Before I have time to doubt any further, fake Discord snaps his fingers and teleports himself to the side.
Uh oh.
That's not good.
That's really not good.
Of course their greatest fear would be that I would somehow reacquire my powers! If the elements think that I have my powers back, Celestia is going to step up her game big time, and I can't have that! But Twilight and Rarity here have just seen some pretty convincing evidence, and I can't reveal to them the truth!
Cut my beard off with a pair of blunt, plastic, filly scissors, this has backfired! I have to figure this out quick!
"How?" cried Twilight. "How is this possible? The Princess locked your magic away!"
"Princess Celestia's security is child's play!" said fake Discord. "Even without my magic, I am unstoppable!"
Despite how worried I am, I take a moment to shake my head at this.
That's a nice sentiment, me, I think, but empirical evidence shows that you are not quite unstoppable without powers. As much as I hate to admit it.
Twilight tried another spell, this time attempting to seize the fake Discord in her magic. In reality, she is grasping at nothing, so, of course, the spell once again failed to have any effect.
This simply caused fake Discord to burst into laughter.
"You don't have to do this, Discord," said Twilight desperately. "You can still come back and cooperate! You know what will have to happen if you don't!"
"I get totally stoned?" answered fake Discord. "I'll pass. I would much rather take the path that keeps my self-respect intact, even in the unlikely event that you all do somehow manage to overpower me again."
"Rarity," said Twilight, ignoring the fake Discord, "are you okay? What did he do to you?"
"Twilight," whispered Rarity, who was sitting on the floor and backed up against the wall. "He's planning terrible, terrible things for us! It's monstrous!"
Twilight glared back at fake Discord.
"What kind of terrible things?" she demanded.
"Ah, yes! As I was explaining to your dear friend before I was rudely interrupted-
Suddenly, I hear the sound of the door opening behind me. I turn around in surprise and see a random mare peering through the open front door.
"Um, are you open?" she asked. "The windows are all dark, but I heard voices and I thought..."
She trailed off as she took in the inside of the boutique and the supposed master of chaos in the middle of it all.
"... I'll just be going now." she whispered, slowly backing away from the door as it creaked closed.
There is an appropriate moment of awkward silence.
"As I was explaining before I was interrupted," continued fake Discord again, "I have noticed how some of you ponies have the audacity to think yourselves worthy of attention, and call yourselves celebrities! Which is why I have decided to ensure that anyone who thinks to draw the attention away from myself and onto themselves will be forced to wear clothes of my making! Muahahahahaha!"
I roll my eyes. I can see why this is terrifying for the seamstress, but everyone else? Not so much.
This imitation of myself is, well, pretty stupid.
"And furthermore, I will completely embarrass anyone who dares consider themselves a celebrity so badly that they will never be able to show their faces ever again!"
Well, that particular aspect might be worth considering. Of course, actually getting my powers back is the priority here, but it doesn't hurt to build up other ideas in the meantime.
"Discord, why are you singling out Rarity?" demanded Twilight.
"What are you talking about?" asks the fake Discord. "My plan will affect everypony in Equestria."
"Except your 'plan' seems suspiciously made to torment Rarity specifically! I know you better than to believe that all that you told us is everything you have planned!"
"Well, it would be pretty stupid of me to actually tell you about my plan, wouldn't it?" asked fake Discord.
"What did Rarity ever do to you?" demanded Twilight in genuine confusion. "I know that she was involved with turning you to stone, but so was I! So were all of my friends! Why are you picking on Rarity?"
"Oh, I think she knows why," answered fake Discord sinisterly. "Do you want to tell them?" he asked Rarity's form. "If you don't, I will."
She didn't so much as lift her head in response.
"Very well, have it your way." He turned around to face us.
"You see, you and your friends share a great many similarities."
Okay, I am totally confused. I have no idea where he's going with this.
Which, considering that he's supposed to be me, is slightly concerning.
"One such similarity," he continued, "is that you all represent your roles as the elements of harmony almost perfectly.
"With one exception. Your selfish little friend here."
"Discord, that's not going to work," spat Twilight immediately, clearly not impressed. "We all know that she wasn't herself when she acted the way that she did in that maze."
"No..." whispered Rarity, loud enough to be heard, though not looking away from the floor beneath her. "He's right..."
"Of course I'm right!" he answered triumphantly. "Think about it. How many times have you witnessed this pony become so obsessed with her own success and she ignores everypony around her?"
Twilight stared back at fake Discord furiously. "Rarity is the most generous pony I know! Unlike many from my hometown of Canterlot, she provides her services at just above the cost buy the fabrics in the first place! And not only that, she frequently gives out free samples!"
My illusionary self burst out laughing. "I'm not talking about wealth! I'm talking about fame! Reputation! Everything that you have just stated in your friend’s defense is actually just a technique she employs to accomplish her true desires!"
Before Twilight can rebuttal him again, he begins speaking once more.
"It is true, I did mess with her head just a little that one time, but all I did was make her think that some stupid boulder was a jewel of unmatched fabulousity! If, instead, I had decided to transform that boulder into a genuine mega-diamond, I wouldn't even have needed to work my magic on her!"
Great dancing pumpkin pies! I had no idea that this affect Rarity so deeply! Perhaps the knowledge will prove to be useful in the future?
Rarity let out a sob. "It's true..."
This really made Twilight mad, judging from her reaction.
"You know what, Discord!" she spat. "You're capable of creating some perfectly beautiful things! You really are!"
Wait, what.
Okay, first of all, how can she think that if she hates everything that I do, and second of all, how does a pony say those words when they are obviously furious?
"And if Rarity thinks that your creations are magnificent, there's nothing wrong with that!"
This even shocked the seamstress herself, causing her to look up at us for the first time.
"How can anypony love anything that came from Discord?" she asked.
Privately, I agreed.
Twilight, strangely, ignored her for the time being.
"But it wouldn't matter if she did love your hypothetical ‘present’ for her," Twilight continued. "Without your magic forcing her to do otherwise, there is no way that she would let it get in the way of what's really important!"
Oh Chaos, no! She's about to launch into a tirade about the power of friendship or whatever!
I have an idea.
"You know," I say out loud, drawing the illusion's attention, "If you already have your powers back, and you already have this whole 'taking over the world' thing figured out, why aren't you out there doing it instead of hanging around here bragging about it?"
"I'll take my time if I want to!" the illusion argued back. "I do whatever I want! Who are you, anyway?"
"What? Do you not recognize me?"
All faces in the room other than my own reacted to that with great surprise.
"Why don't you remind me?" answered fake Discord.
"You turned me into a newt!"
The awkward silence was ended when Twilight let out a single word. "What?"
"Oh, yeah!" cried fake Discord, as if he actually remembered this.
"And you don't even have a plan!" I accused. "Because you don't really have your powers at all!"
He squinted back at me.
"Are you daft? Perhaps you missed my beautiful work as you came in?" he asked, gesturing around him.
"Oh, I noticed. But, you see, I just happen to have the power to sense magic around me. And I know, without a doubt, that all of this," I said, gesturing around me at the very works that fake me had just pointed out, "is not your particular brand of magic."
My illusion's face turned expressionless, and Twilight and Rarity looked absolutely dumbfounded.
I decided to strike while the iron was still hot.
"All of this magic came from a unicorn!"
Fake me looks back at me in annoyance, but does not confirm or deny it.
His reaction doesn't matter nearly as much as Rarity's, though. The mushrooms are, although powerful, literally brainless. The entire illusion is actually controlled by the victim's own mind.
If Rarity believes what I just said, then fake me will act like it is true.
Fake Discord glares at me before raising his talon and snapping, and then vanishing.
I'm pretty sure she bought it.
Our surroundings are instantly returned to normal boringness. The magic in the mushroom also seems to have just sputtered out.
And I'm feeling very pleased with myself.
Wait, I think to myself in alarm. Is it weird that I'm so happy about defeating a more stupid version of myself? Is that weird?
After a few moments of contemplation, I decide that, no, it is not weird at all. I find this perfectly acceptable.